I'd Rather I Lose My Limbs Than Let You Come to Harm

Stacey's right. I need a new post. I am a complete and total badass.

Yesterday I had my big fat scary meeting where I had to defend my propppzel in order to advance to candidacy.

And I fucking pwned it. BLAAAADOW

It was delightful. Everything was perfect, from my choice of outfit (brown pinstripe skirt, bright raspberry button up shirt tucked in to skirt, brown vegan peeptoes) that made me feel like a grown up badass to the extremely girly, perfect high tea I fed them, to the careful, thoughtful but loaded questions I fielded from the committee to the people themselves who are mostly people I have worked closely with in the past few years and thus it was very, very important to me that I not come off sounding like an idiot in this thing.

Ohhh, it was so great. I enjoyed the whole process, even when it was clear I was being tested. A ridiculous number of my best friends here were waiting outside the room the whole time, so when they kicked me out at the start/end to promote intense anxiety I had a bunch of supportive smiling faces waiting for me. I felt like I was smart and saying smart things in a smart way, and totally in control and not blindsided or thrown off by anything. Probably it helped that I fully expected Level 10 hazing bullshit going in to it, but it never felt like that at all.

The whole time I just felt like I was talking to people who were treating me like I was a colleague, and not a petulant student that burdens all of them with my stupidity. It was fucking great. At the end, people said some of the nicest shit to me I've ever heard, about how gorgeous my propppzel is and how they'd like to show it to other students as an example of what ought to be done when writing these. The faculty who know me best who were in that room were clearly proud. My advisor hugged me three different times and then asked if she could also high five me.

It was spectacular, and I feel fucking great and totally satisfied. And I ran into one of the committee members this afternoon in the mailroom and she was talking to me differently than she had a few days ago. It's subtle but noticeable. It's unbelievably validating and it's the most complimentary people have been to me--ever-- in this program/field/career path/whatever. I maybe am drinking the kool-aid here, I'm not sure how much of this is patently designed to groom me into miniature thems...but I feel like I killed that shit and I know my project is awesome and the writing was good and I am immensely satisfied with the way I handled myself and That. Feels. Nice.



Also hugely positive is now that I can take the adv.blinders off, I am pissing my pants about Stacey's wedding and seeing everyone in a week! Fuck balls! So awesome. Love and miss you guys tons!