Don't Hold Yourself Like That

My mom's here since yesterday. It's fun. I dragged her everywhere I could think of yesterday. It's fun. She mentioned wanting to get her hair cut yesterday and I don't think expected me to whip out my cell phone and the business card of the place Jenny and I went to make her an appointment. So we got that taken care of. Her hair's adorable. She was very brave and didn't even cry. Well, she almost cried with happiness because she likes it so much. Which is awesome. The woman did a great job and was nice and made her comfortable. I always feel bad going into hair places with these unfortunate orangey red highlights in my hair.

Anyway. We went to eye Kee ah yesterday too and, whoops, ended up getting a lot of stuff. We realized that unfinished wood is stainable and since we're on such a big staining kick these days and it's cheaper we got a dining room. Er, my mother insanely insisted on getting us a dinign room. But it ended up being way cheaper than what we had originally planned. Yay fun, I love eye kee ah

Shut up, Stacey.

What else? Oh I have to go run some experiments. Laters

Don't Drag My Love Around

I got back from El Hey a little while ago. I am fucking tired. I got up with JD at 4:30 so I's could get on the road by 6 to beat the non-carpool lane jam. And beat it I did, only to arrive at the ct.haus at ten to 7. The doors didn't open until 7:30. That was lame but I got some reading done. Between the two of us who were there, we ran one kid. We ran every possible kid and that equalled only one. I drove 90 miles today to Help run one kid. Not even to do anything, just to help. Uhh, that sucked.

Also, I negotiated the freeways like a seasoned veteran. But they still were horrible and scary. yes, I drove through both longue beach and compoton yeah you know i'm in trouble. ok not so horrible or scary but they couldn't be less scenic if they were trying. and i learned why they call the OC-to-El Hey commuting freeways the Orange Crush. Something so appropriate about that. I still have a shirt I wore all the time in high school and college that's bright orange and says orang crush on the front. And Ray 1 on the back. yeah i know. I would wear it to ct. if I thought the judge wouldn't bitch me out.

So today was intense once things got underway. I watched a heering that seriously made me tear up....this little girl with her hair in three braids sticking out from her head who was adorable was maybe 6 or 7 and the judge was explaining that she'd been there 6 mos ago and couldn't read or write or add or anything else 6 year olds should kind of do...ok maybe she was a little older than that....but she'd caught up to her class and all the teachers said she didn't need special help anymore and she had these excellence in language arts certificates and a class photo and the judge was praising her and it's all because she's living with her older brother instead of their deadbeat mom now. And the brother is sitting next to me in the back of the room and he's older than me and you can tell he's unbelievably proud and a good person and he's concerned about expenses but the judge takes care of everything and the judge asks to keep the class photo and the brother says ok and the judge couldn't stop saying how great this little girl was doing

and when they walked out all the atturneys and everyone clapped for her. and she looked like she was going to die of happiness right there. i seriously almost cried. ok, so, that's all the reminding I need of why it's important to drive 90 miles to run one fricking kid. it's totally worth it.

but then the next heering was a termination of parrintel rites and that sucked.

but the day was productive, overall, and now we at least know what we're doing like badasses and it's going to be cake from here on out. Hahahaha.

I'm not going tomorrow because I have to pick my mom up from the airport. at noon, but I might not get back in time.

Now I'm exhausted--I couldn't sleep last night and right when I finally got to sleep JD shifted suddenly, cracking me in the face with his elbow "accidentally" and busted my lip. He was all "oh no, sorry! sorry, whoops baby ZZZZZZZZZZZ"

and then i was up for awhile longer. I think I slept about 2 hours last night.

i will say one good thing for starbux. they open at 5:30 am. Sometimes there's just no alternative.

some of you are expecting mail. it will try to go out today, but there's an awful lot of other stuff I also have to do today.
speaking of.....

You Wanna Jump And Dance But You Sat On Your Hands

So, congratulations to Jenny Jenny Sis Face and newcomer Chris in the comments section of the previous post, who have both correctly identified the "message for dr. steward in the lobby" quote from Dracula, Dead And Loving It, one of the greatest cinematic triumphs of our generation, and they will both now be receiving something awesome in the mail if they (meaning the one of you whose address I do not know, ahem, that'd be Chris) send me their mailing addresses (tmarzipan@hotmail.com).

There are still about sixteen other stolen references that I will hold off on revealing until the rest of you have had ample chance to guess at them. Hahahahahaha.

Everyone will be shocked and awed at the fact that in the course of yesterday afternoon I rounded up nearly enough subjects, scheduled and all, for the preliminary part of this ass-paining study. In lieu of flowers, please donate to the American Cancer Sosietie(sic). No no, hold your applause. That means this afternoon I am running some of them. Whee, I haven't done this in almost a year. Wheee.

Sis, if you want to call me today I'm game but it can't be from 1-3ish my time, I'll be very busy in meetings and then with some kids doing important research activities, so hold off until after that? Yes, thanks. But you have to hear this mom story. Ok, it's not that great but it's one of those ones that makes me bang my head on the desk over and over. Hahahahaha.

Here is a question I would like to have answered:
Why do you very skinny girls get defensive about not having an ass? In general? Most little skinny girls just do not have one, that comes with the whole being a size 2 thing. Size 2 pants are not designed to accomodate any kind of ass. If you fit into them you probably go straight from upper thigh to waist. And that's not a bad thing, but it always confuses me as to why you want one in the first place. Please explain.

I mean, I see why you would want one like mine, it defies logic and has actually won many awards, but not everyone's ass can be so fucking hot. And this isn't for sale, exactly.


hahahahahahaha.

I Die When You Mention His Name

Two new, cool insults: "turd burgler" and "poopernaut"

I thought these up last night. Turd burgler is when J steals all the little kitten droppings in the litter box. Poopernaut is when J explores new, uncharted poop territory six times a day in the loo.

Yes, you guys can also use them. Only to refer to JD, though.

Talked to Stacey today, yay. I love Stacey. I love Scotch. Scotch scotch scotch. I can't wait to see anchorman. also, i want to see dodgeball. colin quinn said it was the funniest thing he's ever seen. and we all know aboutmy little obsession with colin quinn. just kidding.

i just spent 45 minutes trying to figure out why i suddenly got nauseous, only to burp and taste nast and realize i took a vitamin with nothin in my stomach. genius pills, liz, you need to pick up more genius pills.

I have cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. and it's still not clean enough. blast ye, pets and boyfriends and own self's slobby habits.

remember how i said damien rice's music was ghey as hell? well, now i kind of like him a lot. whoops.

my mom is out of touch with reality. let me not go into detail here. hahahahaha. stacey had to sit through the crazy mom story. can't wait until tuesday.

i didn't go to LA today. And I'm not having to go tomorrow. So not until Monday do I have to go. that is HECKA awesome.

there is a rape trial going on in the OC that I would like to tell all of you about, because it so befuddles me. these three 17yr olds raped this girl that they roofied and of course it was on a pool table and she'd done them all before but they raped her with LIT cigarettes and anything else lying around and the retards videotaped it all because she wanted to be a porn star (that's their defense....she wanted to be a porn star so we raped her with cans and bottles shoes and rags, tires and diapers plastic bags ---sorry) and then the kicker is that they "returned" the homemade rape porn to the VIDEO STORE, which is how the police found out about the crime in the first place. Cuz that girl didn't know what the fuck had happened to her.

let's discuss the vomitous sense of entitlement that teenagers growing up in newport beach are apparently feeling. in the comments section.

Message for doctor steward IN the lobby.

A fabulous prize for anyone who can identify the origination of any of the jokes/quotes/titles I have plaigarized in this posting. Thank you

And When It Lands, Will My Eyes Be Closed Or Open?

*Jenny put your comments section back up. Don't be like that. No one ever comments on anyone's blog. I was going to comment on your most recent post but you'd taken down your section. I was badly disappointed.

*I have a massive to-do list for today. I've been up since 4:40am and won't be sleeping any time soon.

*I just swung by a grocery store to get lunch since we have nothing here to eat. And I decided to get sushi. Very uncharacteristic. But it just felt right. And so I just ate some nice veggie rolls for lunch. How nice.

*Stace I'm home already, I will try to get a jump on that to-do list but will call you if youdon't call me first in the near futur.

*I went to La today. And I'm going Friday, and Monday. Let me stress how bad it sucks to get up that early in the morning to run around in a busy courthouse trying to kiss the ballifff(sic)'s ass and random atturneys so they'll let us poke at the foreheads of the mis-treated kids and ask them questions about what they know. sigh. oh but i might get some lovely free technology out of it.

*so there's that study. and there are several thousand others in the works. i think my summer is basically already over. piss buckets.

*that being said, i still don't have to do shit while my mom is here. yippee.

*j and i started stripping one of the dressers yesterday. nothing like retarded layers of paint that you're scraping at with putty knives to piss you off. and some paint thinner stuff that doesn't really eat it enough. so we got a power sander, and i think we will finish the first one (at least stripping it) tonight. Exciting. It's awesome to get some of the shitty white paint off the wood and be able to smell pine and realize that this delicious lovely wood was trapped under this horrible paint for so many years but it still smells like wood. And soon it's going to actually look like wood. I love wood. I love forests.

*we got a tent and sleeping bags the other day. i desperately want to go camping in redwood forest. among other billions of places. every weekend, dammit.

*i started trying to do some crafty things today only to realize that I am not good at crafts. And I never will be domestic, no matter how hard I try to follow recipes or knit or sew or crochet or martha stewsart it up. dammit. sometimes i just want to be a nice housewife with no responsibilities and shit.

*I found something interesting in a junk drawer that I'll soon be sending out to some of you. should bring back memories. hahahahahaha. but before you get excited, it's nothing cool.

*have you guys ever buffed your fingernails? instead of painting them? i discovered this a few days ago and i'm addicted. and my nails are the smoothest and shiniest they've ever been, and there's nothing on them. it's very strange.

*jyushy jush has learned some cute new tricks. one involves jd standing straight up and the cat on the floor and then jd going "c'mere" and the cat jumping straight up with his arms outstretched and jd catches him in midair. it's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen.

*i think i'm going to polish off the sushi now

But Now I Stand On Honest Ground, On Honest Ground

Hey there blogging community. I apologize in advance for the typos, I am typing this in the dark at J's laptop which has a differnet keyboard (slightly) than mine so I don't know what I'm doing. Also I don't care.

I have had the nicest week since school ended. I have done a lot of sleeping, and eating, and not getting dressed until j gets home from work, etc. It's been wonderful. Unfortunately, it's about to end, but it was nice.

Wed I have to go to La and do some important data collection stuff so I can hopefully get a project in gear for a big fat conference that I want to be involved with for next year (where i will be able to see reedy and become instantly famous). and then next tues my mom gets here for four full days of god-only-knows-what. if i have to reassure her one more time that the plane will not crash i will scream. or that no, it would not "all be worth it" if the plane does crash as long as she's on her way to see me. and yes, ashleeee will be catsitting, calm down.

but. I'm looking forward to it, we've big plans to go to san diego and the zoo down there and she wants to go to the beach every day and out to eat for lunch and dinner every day, I can dig it, and otherwise she's not too high maintenance, i think. i learned how to properly fold guest towels in preparation for her arrival and i can't wait to have the house all cleaned and sparkly and amazingly nice for her. i can't believe how much arm-twisting it took to get her to come out here, though. damn.

what else? oh i had a good time last week at that party with the wine and then the next day going to see harry pottser and i love my friends here and i love hanging out with them too. and all weekend was blissful hangout with my dear sweet boyfriend time; we went to disneyland, and shopping, and last night went to see Oklahomo (sic) at the center and it was quite lame. but i love musicals of any caliber so it was still worth it. plus we sat way up in the third tier because we had to get there late and we made faces at how lame the show was and were making obscene hand and mouth gestures at each other and then I realized the usher was sitting a few rows behind us, when i thought we were surrounded by empty seats. whoops.

and i've been cleaning the house all weekend in a frenzied way and some rooms are spotless and some are half done, but i made a giant mess of the bedroom with the contents of al the junk drawers and junk shelves and junk boxes we've accumulated because i am going to sort through all that shit, dammit, and it's taking a long ass time. also i have been going to low's (sic) and reading this martha stewsart book about good things for organization and stealing ideas, one of which is me cutting up all j's suits and using the fabric to cover shoeboxes to make pretty storage. and we got a bunch of project supplies today at low's also, and we're going to refinish this ugly ass dresser (two, actually) and paint the apartment, and i'm making those boxes and we'll do plenty else. i'm excited to have a nice fat project. i also got a jump stick usb thing, which makes me an official nerd.

i can't think what else. i like having time off, I like not checking my email more than once every couple days, i like doing nothing but cleaning all damn day if i want and not feeling pressured to get something work-related finished.

I'm tired and i have to clean some stuff up before I go to bed. fuck it's going to be hard to get up to go to La wednesday. and thursday. fuck. fuck stick.

stacey why don't you ever calllllll me i though ti was on your callllllll list. anyone around tomorrow? i wanna talk on the phone

It Took Me All Of A Year To Put The Poison Pill To Your Ear

Oh. Sweet. Jesus.

I am finally done with this year.

Now my plans are: catching up on email and phone stuff with you guys, going to Disneyland all weekend, going to see Harry Pottser tonight and hanging out with my friends, slacking hardcore until next Wednesday or so when I might consider starting to be productive again. We're going to see Oklahoma this weekend at the center. We discovered delicious fake bolonga yesterday. i have a stockpile of my favorite apples and tortillas and I had a great time at the lame little party last night (thanks to free wine) and i'm going to have a great night tonight and i am so fucking glad it's over.

four-six more years to go of this. hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

There Was No Answer In The Dust

Yup. All-nighter #2 for the week. I am so tired my eyes are crossing but this paper isn't finished yet. Can you fucking believe that? I've been working on it almost nonstop for about 10 hours now and it's still not done. I'm feeling worse and worse about the way it's turning out with every word I type. I needed a break. I am being way too paranoid. I hate that I like this prof so much and am so concerned with her having a high opinion of me (because I happen to know that she currently thinks highly of me, and I am afraid that this bad paper will render that affection totally fucking null. I just wish this was a good paper, and it's not and isn't going to be. The topic is fascinating, though. If only there existed studies about online gaming whatsoever, I could write an awesome paper. But nothing exists, so my review is mostly my wild speculation and bullshit hypothesizing and hoping she'll accept it as a conceptual paper rather than a review. Somehow I doubt it. I have no idea why I'm so worried about this. It's really irrationally unlike me. I made J read the thing earlier and he almost fell right asleep it was so bad. He has a defense mechanism that requires him to fall immediately asleep whenever I start talking about anything that bores or otherwise disgusts him. Or so I've noticed as he's asked me questions about my day in the last few days and as I start to answer I start to ramble about this and that stupid boring thing that happened, and inevitably i catch my breath in mid-gripe as I hear him softly begin to snore. sigh. such is the life of a grad student.

so i got an email from a prof i work with who offered to bribe me with an RAship for helping out on this project that I was already vested in and planning to devote large chunks of my time to. especially since it would involve some presenting of some stuff at a to-be-determined place and i think it's cool (hint: deals with that LA Detendency Curt stuff) anyway and on top of allof that i might not have to ta just yet? Woo the fuck hooo.

no seriously that made my day. she can bribe me any day. i was going to ta for my advisor but that can wait. and hopefully next year i'll have millions of dollars in grant money (as will raedy) so i won't ever have to do it (ta) more than a couple quarters. yeeeeeee

if i didn't have my ipod and a nice fresh pot of coffee my brain would just shut down in the middle of all this and i would never finish this assignment. wow, i am appalled at my ineptitude. this is seriously ridiculous and not entirely characteristic. i hate this inability to produce anything worthwhile today.

it's really sapping me. and it's so bad that i don't think i'll feel relief tomorrow night when my year is officially over. i think i'll feel nervous about this paper, and i think i'll want to email her before i've heard what she thinks and offer to redo it completely if she hates it and i have not yet in grad school felt this concerned with what someone thought of me or my ability to write and produce interesting work. fuck this sucks.

i haven't paid bills or mailed letters to my grandma or cleaned the sink or the mirror or done laundry or gotten groceries or otherwise kept up on the routine maintenance of my non-school life in, not kidding, weeks. I haven't done my laundry in such a long time that not only am i wearing underwear i wouldn't normally select to wear in the daytime, i am wearing clothing combinations that i have never even thought of before. i think my only options for tomorrow are long sleeved color guard tshirts from 1996 and j's khaki cargo pants. i tried to put his pants on once, and he's not fat and i'm not skinny, but they not only fell right off, they fell with great alacrity and pomp, inflating my self-esteem in a really bizarre way that i think can only happen to conceited girls who occasionally put their boyfriends' pants on when they dress like nelly for halloween

i love how i post all the time and never make any freaking sense anymore. perhaps this will all right itself tomorrow. perhaps the whole world will right itself tomorrow.

can't wait to see you guys. i mean that a thousand percent right now

She Drives A Lavender Lexus. She Lives In Queens But Her Dad Lives In Texas.

Ohh, nothing quite like old-ass fountains of wayne to make you happy. Sha la la la la la la she can't help herself

I just rocked my stats final. So now the only things I have left to do this YEAR are: write that damn paper, and attend a "fun party" tomorrow night about how next year is going to suck worse than anything I've ever experienced before. The theme is something else, but that's what it really is. Not looking too forward to it. But then Thursday I am going to see Hurry Pottser and likely get plastered with my friends. Teehee. Can't fucking wait. So there's mainly just this paper standing between me and successful completion of my first year. Just this paper. Just a paper. I've written billions of papers. About stranger stuff. If I could just make my mind up about how I want to spin it the thing would write itself. And no, it's not the kind of thing where I'll sit down and concentrate and it'll be written before I know it. I don't even want to hear that from anyone. I already tried that, which is what I always do when I need to write something, and it backfired so dramatically that I had to pout for hours. Just a paper. One measly little paper. I can stay up all fucking night to do it if I need to. And I'll kick its ass too. FUCK THAT PAPER. It's going to be sorely pissed at itself for irritating me this week once I'm through with it

In other news. I'm starting to suspect, for good reason, that I may be giving a talk at a conference sometime sooner than I would've liked. That's ok. Time to conquer this silly public speaking sort-of-phobia I don't really have
My mom's coming to visit in a couple weeks. Yeah, inexactly a couple weeks.

We saw shrek 2 the other night. in a shitty theater with crappy sound (but they have $5 student tix, THANK GOD, we're going there all the time now) and it was cute. let me just say that when shrek becomes a human he looks even MORE like Adom Kinnsey than he does when he's an ogre. Which was a lot of a resemblance to start with. I laughed my ass literally off during most of the puss in boots scenes. Speaking of a cat, mine has taken to stalking and pouncing, teeth and claws bared, at my face in the mornings while I'm still sleeping. I've started waking up right as he starts waggling his butt back and forth right before he pounces, giving me enough time to swat him out of the air in mid-pounce. Usually I'm too confused to realize that swatting a kitten out of the air means he goes flying off the bed and across the room. But it's really funny once I wake up. We have our nice little routine down pat. He also drags his toy around and drops it at your feet like a dog when he wants you to swing it around for him. I love him. He is so great and cute. everyone thinks so. Oh, and, my mom recommends the movie "Garfiled" to everyone. Hahahahahahaha ahah aha hhahahahahahaha. Couldn't pay me enough money.

Oh dear. I need to go start gearing up for the most intensive afternoon ever. I have a dreadfully involved meeting first, and then there's the paper. That darn paper. That Darn Paper! hahahahahahahhah I am actually going to get through this quarter without a significant mental breakdown? I must be getting better at this!

I know I owe people email and phone calls, those are coming later in the week, I swear. Lovels

Hope That My Sanity Covers The Cost

Best weekend ever. James was off both Saturday and Sunday. That is the first time he's had two days off in a row this YEAR. We are certainly having a good time with it.

Friday I had my last lame-o little lab and then I went to the beach which was crowded I suppose because it is summertime now. And it's gorgeous as usual. And then I came home and had little panic attacks because I wanted to get all my work for the last three days (that starts tomorrow) done while he worked Friday evening so that we could just laze around all weekend. Instead I stared at the pile of straw-like articles I am supposed to spin into a golden lit review and started hyperventilating. I am so unwilling to buckle down and get any work done. I'm starting to think that trying to do grad school in a place this beautiful is really not a good idea. So I didn't get anything done on Friday, I decided to crawl into bed and pout about how inept I am. Then he came home later and announced he officially got promoted to the acoustic department....let me explain this clearly: he and this other guy, his boss, are going to be the TWO guys LAUNCHING the acoustic dept of a very well-known guitar company. Meaning he gets creative control and gets to learn how to make them along with the other guy and it's awesome. Contact him if you want to hear real gushing about it, though. I'm very happy and proud and I think it's fanfuckingtastic.

So I stopped pouting, eventually, although I was pretty disgusted with myself's inability to get any (ANY) work done, so I made him get Taco Bell and I thought I tasted meat in the last bite of my cheesy gordita crunch and I almost barfed. I spit it all out, but the thought of ingesting taco bell meat was gross.

Then we sat around congratulating ourselves on planning the coolest wedding ever (don't worry, Raedy, I'm not pissed, you can still be a bridesmaid) and then slept for hours and hours. And I woke up to him making me breakfast in bed. Which was super awesome. And then we went to the apple store and borders and i picked up a couple of clothing-related items and he got a book about guitar luthering or whatever it's called and then we shopped some more and then went to this awesome vegan restaurant and then came home and got dressed up and went to the ballet. Which was kind of disappointing. But still, we had the best seats in the house, literally, and it was a fun time. And then we went to riteaid and got some treatful mind-numbing magazines and candy bars and sat around in the giant bed and i read about fashion and he read about guitar-making. and watched this auction end on ebay that he decided not to bid on (such restraint) and then we slept for hours and I woke up this morning to ANOTHER breakfast being brought to my lazy ass on a tray. Which was delicious and I have yet to get out of bed except to pee and to get my power cord and I love this weekend and I love my life and Jyushin is being adorable and lovey and I am totally content.

best weekend ever. except that today I have to do laundry get groceries do ALL of my work which includes writing a kickass paper for a prof that thinks highly of me and expects a good paper (which is the crippling pressure preventing me from starting it) and a few sections of another paper for another prof and i have a stats final tuesday and several thousand analyses for a meeting tuesday as well. and i'ma tear it up and get it done but right now I'm just going to sit around for a few more hours in my pajamas and marvel at the fact that his hair can look like wolverine's when he wakes up no matter how short I cut it. i heart him a lot.

Licking Your Greasy Spoon

I am eating the world's most comically oversized fuji apple as i type this. It's the size of a grapefruit. It's powdered sugar. It's delicious. I just got out of my last stats class until next January. I am about to go sit through my last seminar of the school year. And then, my friends, tomorrow, I will sit through my last stats lab which will be review for the final. Sweet Week 10. I love you so much.

But with the ending of classes comes this pesky requirement that I do the necessary papers to pass them. It's proving hard to start. I'm a big laze bag. I'm powdered sugar.

My iPod is only playing ok computer and loveage today. i heart this little contraption. it's powdered sugar. Loveage always ALWAYS makes me think of Vegas. Because it happens to be what we were listening to through Utah and Nevada the night we stayed there on the way here. I don't think I can explain how cool it was to be driving for miles and hours through vast black desert and then come over a ridge and see Vegas lit up like Christmas in the valley below. With Loveage playing, mmmm.

This ever-lovin' apple is getting the best of me.

We're going to the ballet this weekend. I'm going to the beach tomorrow after my lab.

Dear Powdered Sugar Raedy,

I know it's retarded to plan a wedding so far in advance. i don't think anyone would dispute that. But I disagree with your assumption that I would choose things that would eventually go out of style. I do not ever choose anything stylish, and this wedding will be no fricking exception. Plus, even though wedding magaznes come out every month purporting to be filled with "new" wedding styles, no one in her right mind would take them up on their suggestion to wear "fashionable" spring makeup like heavy neon green eyeshadow and orange lipstick. Everything else pretty much stays the same for weddings. Thus, I am not worried about the premature planning resulting in an unfashionable wedding. At all. But thanks.

Sincerely,
Powdered Sugar Liz

That giant apple not only dripped sticky apple juice all over my entire front half but got 90% of its peel lodged in my teeth. How unattractive.

Ok, lunch at the computer time is over. Back to------- OOH the Cake version of I Will Survive just came on my iPod. Wheeeee!

I'll make a note that we have to play this at the wedding. Hahahahahaha ahah ah ahhah hahhahahahah

Ladies Is Pimps Too

Ok. I have lost my mind. I have now finished planning my ENTIRE fictional wedding. The ENTIRE thing. For TWO THOUSAND SIX. That is in TWO AND A HALF YEARS. It is not even reasonable to be thinking about being engaged at this point, and I have snapped, lost my goddamn mind, and planned the entire fucking thing in one, fell, eight-hours-at-the-laptop swoop. What the hell is wrong with me. It's the middle of the night and I'm calculating numbers like a madperson, JD is passed out on the couch behind me and I am relentlessly checking and rechecking my math, the budget, the things I haven't yet figured out, and I can't stop. Even as I'm typing this I'm pausing every few seconds to glance down at my notebook full of crazed scribblings about estimated costs and big exaggerated question marks

I have absolutely lost my mind. This is so insane I don't even know how to defend it.

Uhhh. I've creeped myself out. Yes, I'm being very creepy. I found a ring, a dress, a color scheme, a reception site, a ceremony site, a caterer, stationary, flowers, bridesmaid-pampering spa packages, favors. I have yet to figure out photography, music, save-the-date cards, a guest book, and the marriage license. ALL I have left to do in the next 857 days before the wedding is figure out what guest book to fucking use.

I have lost my infernal mind.

Oh, and as a heads up: In order to make it as inconvenient as possible for every single person involved, and to maximize the amount of sheer joy and excitement and romance possible, it's going to be in New Orleans. That gives you all TWO AND A HALF YEARS to save up for a plane ticket/hotel for the weekend. And since I'm calling the date this early, you can't bullshit me that you have other plans. And you'll all be graduated by then. Or most of you. And it's going to be on a weekend. And it's a great excuse to go to New Orleans.

You know what's the most striking about my insanity tonight? I'm not the least bit psychotic about it. I'm like totally shocked at the fact that I planned a whole fucking wedding in a few hours, and right now (before everything starts going wrong, I know) I can't imagine how people freak out about this kind of thing. Then again, when you and your future spouse have the same preferences in everything in the world, it's pretty easy.

Ok, so that's that. October, 2006. Clear your calendars. Start saving for the weekend out of town. I don't want any lame excuses in a couple years. Someone shoot me. I'm scared of myself.

She's Right Back To Being My Soldier

In honor of Jay-Z, I am only going to use his lyrics to title my posts from now on. Because I heart him. And people who make me comp cds, no matter how hip-hop inspired, who entitle them, "The Fuck Jay-Z Album," are going to have to deal with the reactive backlash from that decision. Because, as I mentioned before, Jay-Z is totemo chill.

Coming to you straight from socal, the new slang word is: Chill.

As in, "wow, that _____ is totally chill" or "that was so NOT chill of you, keith, to name that cd the 'fuck jayz album'"

So now, because so many of you have requested this information from me, and I like making lists, I present a compilation of Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

FAQ 1: Why are you friends with Keith if you bitch about him on your blog all the time?

Good question. I am friends with him because I secretly like him. And I like to think that he reads my blog and giggles, more delighted to see a mention of his name (as I also usually am whenever you guys refer to me on your blogs) than pissed about the actual content of the reference. That, and, it's usually so out-of-context and ridiculous that it's more amusing than insulting. I like him because he is amusing and insulting. Also because he tries to match me insult for insult and obscure reference for obscure reference. Usually I still win, but it's nice to see someone put up a fight instead of just rolling their eyes and calling me a dork.

FAQ 2: Why do you air your dirty family laundry on your blog so much?

Because it's therapeutic and cathartic. And it helps me organize thoughts that are otherwise swirling around untamed in my head. And trust me, the organized thoughts are more sane. And I could put them in a written journal instead, but this way it feels more like a release. And sometimes I get Stacey going "I love you, Liz" in my comments section after one of those posts and I LIVE for that.

FAQ 3: Why are you such a raging bitch?

Because I'm very very angry, and it gets directed outward instead of in, for the most part. Or I would be a depressive wreck instead of a bitchy wreck. Also, I wasn't allowed to be "sensitive" when I was little, so I had to be "tough" and "bullyish" instead. Someday I'll work through it and the little lamb of a girl underneath all this sarcasm will come out. And then one of you will inadverdently reject her and she'll disappear like Shangri-La for another thousand years.

FAQ 4: What are you listening to right now?

My Slumbering Heart, Rilo Kiley

FAQ 5: What was up with that fucked up dream you had the other day?

Yeah, I have no idea either. It was fucked up though. I almost wrote about it on here but it was too weird.

FAQ 6: Do you ever have dreams about me?

Yes.

FAQ 7: Are they sexy dreams?

Yes.

FAQ 8: How is school going?

Pretty ok. It's kind of terrible right now, it's the end of the year and I'm starting to feel the familiar drowning feeling where I don't think I'm doing anything up to anybody's standards. But more and more I'm grateful to be IN school and to know I like where I am and what I'm doing.

FAQ 9: Can I be a bridesmaid/male bridesmaid?

Yes, of course. I think it would be hilarious if I had 34 bridesmaids.

FAQ 10: How's your cat?

He was a terror until five minutes ago, when he plopped down next to me and has been looking adoringly at me since. Overall, he's good. He has to go to the vet tomorrow.

FAQ 11: How do you juggle so many committments and stressors and still A. stay so awesome and B. update your blog every five seconds?

A. well, being awesome is a learned skill, not an inherited one. so you could all be awesome too, and some of you already are. You just have to know that you're a bad ass. I try to emulate Tassin as much as possible. Just keep repeating, "IIIIIIIIII. Am very popular." Soon you'll start to feel awesome!

B. I like to update as a way to avoid dealing with the obscene amount of work I have to do on any given day. No, I realize the updates aren't interesting, but that's ok with me. It's my way of keeping in touch with you guys without writing eighty emails a week and I like to keep you informed of my goings-on!

FAQ 12: Will you make me a comp cd?

Yeah, send me your address if I don't have it already.

FAQ 13: What are you doing?

Multi-tasking as usual. Nothing if you plan to call me.

FAQ 14: Do you have any beauty/fashion secrets you'd like to share?

Sure. First, Steve Maddden shoes are not the be-all end-all of high class shoes. Next, find shirts and pants you like and buy them in every color you can find in the same style. If you can't afford to do laundry, you will just have to start wearing fancy panties until you can afford to do laundry. No one will notice, unless you wave your butt crack in their face. You should always wash your face. Oh, and brush your teeth. And use lip balm.

FAQ 15: When does JD get home?

Oh, he's getting home right now.

It's The Same On The Weekends As The Rest Of The Days

And I know, I should go, but I will probably stay. And that's all you can do about some things.

Get that in your heads, faithful readers. Put THAT in your pipe and SMOKE it! (now reread with eugene levy doing his indian brave voice from guffman....funnier the second time, eh?)

I had this phone conversation with Keith yesterday:

Me: You're bald
Him: well, you're fat
Me: but you look like you're sixty
Him: and you have a moustache
Me: And actually, YOU'RE fat
Him: You're a slut
Me: You're a slut!
Him: hmmm, that's true
Me: you're a fat bald old slut!
Him: well you're a fat round little slut with a moustache!
Me: I can't wait until I come visit and we just stare blankly at each other and have nothing to say at all for three days.
Him: Me too. We'll go shopping for alcohol as soon as you get here
Me: I think that's going to be our best shot at killing the animosity


HAhahahahahah. No, it's all true. Maybe it wasn't that condensed, but we both said all of those things over the course of the conversation.

I also talked to my mom, and my sister yesterday. then I was reading more of this book about resiliency for one class and I realized my mom is in complete denial about having been the worst mom ever. And it's interesting that Jenny's unwilling to placate her and I'm eager to tell her what she wants to hear so I don't have to deal with the fallout. Interesting. In-ter-e-sting

Also interesting, this guy gave a talk (i heart vagueness) today in my place of usual location about dumb stuff and then about how memories of an emotion rather than the on-line, as-you-feel-it emotion, do more to determine how you feel about someone or something. Isn't that fucked up? I think that's going to be my dissertation. Somehow. Lemme try to work travel into that. I wish I were an anthropologist

I made this master to-do list of all the little shit that needs to happen in the next 10 days to facillitate the big shit and I'm staring at it as I type this, have been staring at it for a ridiculously long time without taking action, and have decided that as optimistically ambitious as the list is, I can't do anything but fidget while contemplating my next week and a half. Worser (haha) is that JD is off work all weekend. Leaving me with giant-o papers to write but a sure-to-be-overpowering urge to laze around with him and the cat and do nothing. Which means I should even more ambitiously get all the shit on this list done THIS week so I can actually have that laze time this weekend, but I'm reluctant to get to it. And if I just keep up with each day's bulletted items I will accomplish everything on time and with plenty of revisions. But I can't stop fidgeting today. I need a nap and I need a snack and I want to sleep all evening.

And no one's going to stop me. That's the goddamn hardest thing about grad school. No one's even going to pretend to be alarmed if I slept all week.

Baaaaaahhhh. I hate accountability.

I gave JD a haircut the other day and it looks SuPERB. As in, his girl coworker was like (after hearing i cut it) "Oh, is she going to school for that or something?" hahahahaha. Well, that's like, plan ZZ if this doesn't work out, I suppose. I'm so proud that I finally figured out how to make his hair look awesome.

I kicked the cat in the face on accident yesterday. I cried I felt so bad. I was pretend kicking at him with my Princess slippers and he charged toward my foot and I couldn't pull it. And he was so confused afterward. He walked around sideways for a minute and then came over and licked my face and then laid down and was breathing all weird. I felt awful. Poor kitty. He seemed to get over it, though.

I have a friend here who's being totally lame, and is planning on reapplying to grad schools this fall and transferring. I feel personally like she hasn't made much of an effort to find a niche here, but she complains (all the time, but also) about the funding situation and the lack of structure and the unavailability of the faculty. And I try to point out that these are problems everywhere you go, and that she's going to burn bridges she doesn't necessarily want to be burning if she even goes through the reapplication process....they're going to get wind of it and she's going to probably get shat on. I'm pretty sure she's just an overreacty complainer, but then again, I was unhappy until a few months ago. anyway. Someone reaffirm my belilef that anywhere you go to school it's hard and not entirely accomodating and you feel a little strange for the first bit you're there, and no one is going to hold your hand. That's what it's about, right? Or am I being tricked?

god, can't wait for it to be next Thursday. I think I'm going to see Harry Pottser with my friends.

Does anyone in Eville want to catsit for my mom at the end of this month? She'll give you $50 to go by there every day and turn lights on and play with her incredibly needy cat. It's like June 29th-July 4th or somehting. Let me know and I can getchoo details.

Ok, I am so unmotivated. I am going to go home, eat, take a nap, and then try to finish today's list of shit.

I've Not Been Swept Since The Day My Husband Died

We haven't been this broke since JD didn't have a job. That's broke, my friends. Should be ok by next Friday, but for now it's hilarious how scrimpy we're going to have to be. I know, a week isn't so long to go without spending money, and that's fine, but the cat has to go to the vet next week and get shots, and since we don't know how much that is it's cutting into our grocery money. Wow, I feel like I have three kids and a mortgage right now. We can always just have popcorn for dinner. Actually, we can both survive for months only eating bean burritos and chocolate millk, so we should be fine.

But whew, that's kind of stressful. Squelches my weird compulsion to go shopping, though. Harsh bastard reality.

Also stressful is the last couple weeks of this quarter. Which is now. Which as usual, I am updating to procrastinate from being involved in. I figure, I have all day to get shit done. JD works until like 9 tonight, and I found out this morning that less is actually die this week than I thought. However, nothing is nicer than getting shit out of the way early. So count on me to go do that in a minute.

Thanks for all the nice comments on the last post. I will be taking you all up on offers to drive me to and fro. And thanks. And that's exciting. I think I might try to fit everything I'll need for two weeks into one bag, or else I'll be lugging shit all over various cities and modes of transportation. That sounds like a challenge. Awesome.

Yup, nothing to say today.

Pupils Don't Lie

*My school email is telling me every time I try to sign in that I have the wrong username or password. I have to email something to a class in the next few hours. I will be severely pissed off if I can't get it to them. Oh wait, I could always send it from another email account except I don't know all of their addresses. Oh but I could just tell someone to forward it to everyone for me. Hmm, ok, problem solved. CRISIS AVERTED

*This weekend the cat did something to my laptop while I was gone. He jumped on the keyboard and not only renamed all of the files on my desktop to read "BAJUDSOFB+[>:OJ" but managed, somehow, to change the display COLOR from normal to the exact opposite of normal. Imagine it's like looking at a photo negative all the time. So right now in Blogger I'm typing white letters on a black screen. The icons on my desktop look super cool. I can't see colors the way they're supposed to look, say, if I'm trying to shop online for clothes. It looks really cool, BUT no one can get it back to normal. Jamison and I have tried rebooting it about a million times with this or that safe key held or cache erased or resetting this preference but to no avail. I can start up in safe mode but then it can't detect the airport card and it tells me that my office license has expired. Which is all bullshit but I can't not use word or the internet. Who do I look like, your grandmother?

*I this morning booked a plane and train ticket and okayed the first two legs of the trip with Raedy and Keith respectively. Which is AWESOME. Those of you in SoIn (hahahahahaha) can expect me around August 6th or so, most likely. Jenny, do you and ____ still want to come get me from northern IN? Great, fabulous.

*Somehow I have to get BACK up to Chicago to fly home, which I haven't yet worked out. Anyone have suggestions? I also want to get to Louisville at some point. Anyone want to give me a ride?

*For the All of you who crapped out on your plans to come visit this summer, all I can say is that you better start saving money for December, because if your asses aren't in Vegas I will be SUPER PIIIIIIISSSED

*Remember the recent feud with my mom? Ok, here's the dramatic conclusion:

I wrote her an email, exhausted, saying (in hindsight, I sound very sarcastical) that she should just forget the whole angry exchange because I overestimated what our mother-daughter relationship was, and that I shouldn't be surprised that she won't listen to me because she's never listened to anyone in her whole life, so why would her kid be an exception? And that I wasn't mad and was never mad and don't like her to feel attacked and I disagreed with a lot of her email but didn't even want to deal with it, just wanted things to go back to normal, so could we please just nevermind that whole weekend? The title of the email was nevermind. And I tell her I hope she'll call me on Sunday like normal and I can't wait to see her and I love her. All true.

So she calls me on Sunday and we have the world's most pleasant, not forced mother-daughter conversation about trivialities and we're both thrilled with it and we talk animatedly about many things and it's nice. And only when we hang up am I struck with the realization that my guilt-trippy, bullshit email written pseudo-deliberately in the style that she writes guilt-trippy, bullshit emails to me ACTUALLY WORKED ON HER and EVERYTHING IS NOW FINE AND BACK TO NORMAL. My jaw was on the floor for the rest of the day. And then I got extremely sad when it occurred to me that handling mom like she handles other people, which I do not approve of, is the best course of action for dealing with her. It's like she thinks you're being bitchy unless you insert enough martyr-esque phrases into any given sentence. And then, instead of thinking it might be sarcastic (even though it wasn't when I wrote it) she thinks you're being sensitive and honest. I don't get why I can't just be Normal Honest with her, but whatever,

*In the world's most obvious segue, My readings for this week focus on how stress exacerbates pre-existing illness. I don't even want to follow that through. I gobbled them all up. In a morbid fascination kind of way.

*Ohhh, summer you can't get here fast enough. Here's a list of things on my summer to-do list:

1. Read lots of fiction (I have a list but it's not going on here until I've fleshed it out enough to look decent next to all of your summer reading lists....i wish to god they would let 22 yr. olds participate in that free-pizza-if-you-read-a-whole-book Book It! program. Or that it still existed. Man, that was a good time)

2. Take lots of road trips. Potential destinations include Las Vegas (certainement), Crater Lake, Yosemite, San Diego, Seattle via the majority of Oregon, Big Bear, Catalina Island, San Francisco, Fresno, Redwood nat'l forest, Channel Islands, etc. We need a tent and some sleeping bags PRONTO.

3. End note. Raedy, that was already on my list but thanks for the reminder. Fucking dog balls that's going to be labor intensive.

4. Stripping and then refinishing the two ugly white dressers we share (one from each of our childhoods!) and getting new hardware for them so they look cool with the rest of the apartment and can maybe be permitted to be placed somewhere other than in the back of the walk-in closet.

5. Painting parts of the living room, dining room, bedroom, bathroom

6. A billionty school-related things that won't get discussed in detail here, but trust me that there's a billionty.

1,000,000,007. Start and learn to maintain some sort of greenery (perhaps not a real garden just yet) on the balcony.

1,000,000,008. Read every article ever written about mimory, striss, destriss, emo-ness and learn everything there is to know about blame. Become totally expert at being a grad student. Just in time to TA an intro psych class. HAHAHAHAHAH

1,000,000,009. Make you all summer comp cds

1,000,000,010. Get digital photos printed out on paper and put them in an album. I hate not having recent pictures to pore over all the time.

1,000,000,011. Go visit all of you.

1,000,000,012. Go to the beach as often as possible.

1,000,000,013. Catch up on movies I wanted to see that are now on video

1,000,000,014. Go to Utah

1,000,000,015. Get three projects published and become instantly famous

Yeah, so I might be busy, but I CANNOT WAIT to not have classes. SOOOOOO NICE. YES.

Anyway. Anyghey.

Ex-girlfriend, Black Jetta

Next time you have a free moment call JD and ask him to do his Fred Schneider impression. WELL worth your effort.

So the prospie is here with her boyf. Let's call them Cachel and Riss. And let's just say, in the moments before I have to rush off to class, that I like them both a great deal but I do NOT like the fact that they have clearly never lived in an apartment before...meaning, they have never had to clean up after themselves that wasn't dorm-style, involving only throwing away your easy mac container when it was empty. They use eight glasses a day, each, and when they're done they stick them and whatever else in the sink without rinsing them. Cool except when they have chocolate milk. also, we're ass-broke as usual but they are eating all our groceries ("can i just help myself to the last of the milk?") and even though I've hinted about a thousand times that there's a grocery store within walking distance that they could go pick up a few things from if they wanted, we've taken them out to eat at every meal. Except breakfast, when they use all my milk and cinnamon toast crunch.

And the odds of them getting groceries are not good, they leave tomorrow (i get to take them to the airport at 7:30am) and they want to go to Cheesecake Phactory tonight. Which is fine but in the last three days we've been to Rubby's, Innnnout, a mexican place, a pizza place, a food court....and we don't have the money to do this.

But I can't bring mysefl to point out the ENTIRE tank of $2.49 gas I used driving them all over the goddamn county, or the fact that I won't go to the grocery store while they're here because I know they won't give me any money and that'll piss me off when they want to eat it, or that basically this is the most hectic week for me and I can't find the time to do everything I need to do because they're always sitting around looking bored and I feel guilty for their boredom.

And yes, I invited them to stay with us. But man, I'm not liking this choice right now. Also, I'm annoyed that they can't clean up after themselves and can't contribute to the piles of money I'm wasting in hosting them. At least when it was school-sanctioned I was compensated for "incidentals."

This blows. I have so much to do in the course of today. They seemed off-put that I had to be on campus from 9-2 at least, and they're presently wandering around the campus and are going to meet me later.
Sigh.

I have to go to class #1