It's Depressing Me To See You Struggle

Yhey-

1. jenny, you were right that the Pinback song, "Penelope," is good. I know you told me that like a year ago but I just now, thanks to JD making me a cd, got around to hearing it. I am adicktid

2.that I persuaded (and it always takes such vehement arm-twisting to persuade grad students) my friends to go get coffee with me after lunch where we ran into my other friends and then i was caffeinated enough not to hate my life during the extremely awful lahb meating i sometimes have to endure on mondays. note to self: store-bought coffee before class=good idea. whole pot of coffee drunk by self in office before class=bad idea.

3.i have this feeling i might be getting a digital camera for my birthday. which is cool since my friend E runs a photo lab and said he would get me prints at cost. which is like six cents. or something. for the whole memory card.

4.i got a free lunch

5.i have been productive for three days in a row

6.i got these fuzzy clogs the other day and they are still the cutest shoes ever and i love wearing them. and i keep thinking about how in high school nick brown said to me, "you know, i'm only really happy when I know that I have a new pair of shoes to wear to school the next day. nothing makes me happier. seriously." yet I still insisted on telling myself he liked girls for the longest time. sorry, nick, m'gaydar wasn't working so hot back then.

7. Ashleigh will be here in a week!!!!!

Neigh-

1. i had to go to lunch with the speeker today, but now that is done for the rest of the quarter.

2. ihave to go to LA in the am. with my prof, who is always a turd sandwich about making us do actual work.

3.no feedback on my awesome grant proposal yet.

4. no eye are bee turned in on my second year projeckt yet

5. i still have to give two talks at two different conferences, take two classes, collect data for three different projects, and write a masters thesis in january. 2005 can suck my nuts

6. in my shit-ass lab meating, there is this girl i totally hate. let's call her "Flindsay." Flindsay has to be the centre of attention at all times. She bothers me. JD is fond of saying that she looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel, but most people throughout her life have probably told her she is incredibly beautiful. She certainly acts like she's always been thought highly of. I personally can't stand her, more so now that I have begun feeling smugly superior to her as I pick up on the fact that her bullshit is really stemming from some deep-rooted insecurity problems. anyway, Flinz interrupted (knock knock. who's there. Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow---MOOOO. Best joke ever) lahb meating to say that she "accidentally" found out that her trust fund boyf is getting her an eye pod for Xmas. So then this happened:

J (the prof): What's an iPod?
Flinz: it's like a --
Me (interrupting): I have one, wanna see it?
J: Yeah! (I hand her mine)
Me: those things are great, i take it everywhere
J: But what does it do?
Flinz: It holds like a thousand songs and he thought i would need it since i'm always carrying my cds around to coffe shops with me when i read and stuff and--
Oz: you can take it to the gym and stuff, it's really handy
J: Oh yeah that would be great, i hate the music they play there
Me (to Flinz): you'll get adddicted to it
Flinz (directed at me but said to J): I don't mind lugging my cds around. It's just a lot of money to spend on something. And I was making fun of them and then Rone said he was getting me one, teehee. so i was like, no, i want one, i'll take it, but i do fine without it

Only later did I pick up on the insinuation that I am lame for having an iPod. What the FIZZUCK ever. This "it's just a lot of money to spend on something" coming from the girl who I have NEVER seen wear the saem outfit twice. I'm not kidding. And it's not because she mixes and matches so well. Fuck that Flinz bitch. I'll kill her with my bare hands.

7. Keith and I (PS, why does EVERYONE who has a name that starts with "K" call themselves "K" in signing things like emails?) had the following "exchange" last night:

Him: Hi, what are you doing?
Me: crocheting scarves
Him: Oh, ha, that's so weird. Did I tell you what Wendi was doing when I called her the other day?
Me (rolling eyes): No.
Him: She was knitting!
Me: God, the odds of that are....astronomically tiny
Him (ignoring me): and i asked what, and she didn't really know. So I said she should knit me a scarf, and she said she was actually planning on making me a scarf. Isnt' that weird? Then I'll have TWO scarves to wear!
Me: My ass you'll have two scarves. Go fuck yourself, I'm not making you a "backup" scarf.
Him: But I'll need both so I can see which I like better!
Me: No, fuck yourself, I'm not making you one. So therefore you're not getting an Xmas present. That actually helps me out cuz I have about sixteen more to make.
Him: Whine, whine whine
Me: No, fuck you for thinking you were going to get to compare the two handmade scarves and pick your favorite. A, that's retarded of you. B, I'm not in the mood for a handmade present competition with your ex girlfriend.
Him: I dont' want to pick you up from Chicago
Me: Really? That's what I want you to get me for my birthday AND it's the only favor I've asked you for in four years AND it would only mildly inconvenience you? Thanks!

*****EDITED FOR PMS PITY PARTY *************

Anyway. The good outweighed the bad. Sis, I'll try you later...wanna call g.ma? She goes in to the hospital for that last procedure tomorrow.

The Effects of Jabbing Your Finger Into Your Own Eyeball: A Meta-analytic Review

I have lots to say but basically am updating because I have just finished my Large Grant Proposal. Raedy knows what I'm talking aboot. The one I applied for last year and didn't get. That I'm reapplying for, to get. I just finished all the little bullshit essays you have to write about what you've done and why you're into science and what you want to do and I made JD read them all in the last couple days and I am pretty g.d. happy with them now. Who wants to read 'em? Huh?

Yeah, no takers, that's what I figured. Markedly better than last year's essay set. Whew.

So now I'm going to crank out the next thing on my to-do list. Which is a paper of massively lame proportions.

Wait, there is some other fun news:

I got sloshed at a champagne brunch on t-day with m'friends. That was very nice, very expensive.
I hung out with my cousin Evan yesterday. We did the driving tour of SoCal coastline.
Celeste, I highly recommend you ask for an iPod. they now make Photo iPods, which are out of my comprehension
JD hasn't had to work in the last three days.
We might see a movie tonight
Oh I saw Alexander Wednesday. Dont' see it.
Jenny, though I still have no idea what to get you for Xmas, JD's present is going to make you lose control of your bowels.
Is the airport express my birthday present, Xmas present, or that uber-lame December-birthday-having combination of both? Just out of curiosity.
I got fuzzy clog shoes today. Woot.
I have to pee.
We got the cat recyclable cat litter which looks like rabbit food and makes him very self-conscious of his bathroom habits.
We're finally today getting new neighbors diagonally downstairs from us

Don't Fool Yourself Into Thinking You're More Than A Man

*it's gorgeous and sunny and not at all Thanksgiving-esque here and I am hating it.

*My childhood class that met last week and had Scotch for us to drink met yesterday and had Sherry for us to drink. What the hell.

*Last night I was at the gym and about to get on a machine and had something of an "exchange" with a fucking bitch who was saving the elliptical next to her for her friend. Oh and the one two down from that for her friend's boyfriend. Here's how that went:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that one.
Me: What? (glaring)
Her: Yeah. She's taking that one. You can't have it.
Me: (nastiest conjurable face) Sure!

So then not three minutes later the one in between the friend and her boyfriend opened up and then I got on it and spent the majority of the time I was on it with my head turned 90 degrees, glaring as hard as I could at the bitch who had been rude to me in the first place. The whole time entertaining fantasies of what I shoudl have said, which goes like this:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that
Me: what the fuck ever. You can't save machines
Her: Yeah. She's taking that one. You can't have it.
Me: (elbow strike to her face)

or maybe just this:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that
Me: (elbow strike to face)

Basically, I was ready to throw down and beat some walking eating disordered ass into the ground. I havent' felt that murderous in awhile. I know typing the exchange can't convey the absolute snottiness with which she informed me that she was a bigger bitch than me, but trust me, she was a total fucking bitch.

Then I realized I haven't had daydreams about starting a fight so vividly in a long time, since I would go out to bars with people in the martial arts program and the energy was so Bad Ninja and everyone wanted someone to start something so we could all hurt people. Hahahaha. I love pent-up rage. It makes me feel so alive.

Anyway. Nothing came of that. Except I'm getting pissed again thinking about it.

That's the great thing about Thanksgiving, isn't it? All the traffic and hate and unbridled indecency that rears up right before the holidays and doesn't dissipate until January? Yeah, really fucking awesome.

*But then also yesterday I went to my copy shop and I walked in (to mail some scarves!) and the guy goes, "hey you" to me. Not "hey," but "hey you," which made me feel so loved I could have ended my day right then. Good thing I went to the gym instead. Nice.

Have great turkey days. I might go buy some Mystery science theater to keep me entertained.

If You're A Ten, Chances Are You're With Him

You can't break dance on this picnic!

I'm fucking bored. I have class in an hour but I'm bored until then. I've run every administrative errand I can think of that I've procrastinated, I've written organizational emails that are wholly unnecessary detailing what I am going to have turned in to various professors after this weekend to hold myself accountable to my Grand Plan to bust it this weekend and not have to do shit for the rest of the quarter, I have written back to people who I owed emails to, I have written some of you and requested information that you have not yet provided, I have obtained signatures and I have made a new comp cd for myself and I have reviewed the material for class and I have neurotically checked off (that's not true. When i cross something off my to-do list, I scribble it into nonexistence) things on my to-do list that I can do without leaving campus and before my class is over, I have compiled stacks of things I will need over the long weekend to be most productive, I have straightened all the items on my desk several thousand times, I have already eaten my "lunch," I have made a list of things I need to do this evening (mail scarves to those of you whose are finished, watch Harry Pottser, go buy some software from the bookstore, crochet a bunch of scarves, go to the gym), I have even convinced myself that I can get enough done today to irrelevate my coming in tomorrow.

I'm bored.

I want to say, also, that at first I was going to lambast you all for not signing up for the Kwaanza message board, but since it's eaten my last three posts and made me resign up twice, I will not be too surprised if you guys actually were just not able to sign up for it. So. You should all still apologize to Raedy. Maybe we'll work this out via email instead.

You know what I want for presents this year? Fiction. Lots of fiction to read that you guys think is worthwhile. I haven't read something for pleasure all quarter. Which is mostly because I cant' read and crochet at the same time. Drat.

Ok, I'm too bored to post anything interesting. The following people need to tell me some scarf colors before they get something nasty:

Chris Daniels
Toni

thank you.

Actually, since you two didnt' even request a scarf, and may not read this at all, I wont' make you a scarf unless you ask for one. Hmmpf

Time to go. Gawd, I wish I had brought some nice crochet to work on. I can't believe how bored I am in this calm before the storm. Suck suck suck.

That's What I Thought

*You have (almost) all received an email from me today inviting you to join the Kwaanza Planning Message Board. Please comment profusely when you have time.

*I have, since three weeks ago, completed six different scarves, variously with and without tassels. I think I still have six or so left to make, but I should have time. We are all going to match like retarded dorky twinkies.

*JD and I have sold out and decided to go with our friends Kristin and Eric to a sham pain brunch at the Hilt Inn on thansgiving instead of bothering to cook for ourselves. Which I am looking forward to mainly because they have all-you-can-drink sham pain. I plan to make a really lame toast about wanting "real pain for my sham friends and sham pain for my real friends" once I've had a couple too many.

*I was driving home from campus Friday, like I always do from the top floor of the parking garage. You continuously make right turns to go down in the parking garage. At some point I cut it a leeeeetle too close and ran my car into a wall. No, I'm not kidding. Somehow I rammed the back passenger side into a concrete barrier. It made a really loud noise, scaring the shit out of the pedestrians who were walking on this floor, but I took a quick glance in my rearview mirror to make sure nothing was hanging off the car, and then I pretended nothing had happened and drove the rest of the way home. When I got home I checked out the damage. hahahahahaha. I am such a genius. It's not that bad, but I definitely cracked the shit out of the saturn-plastic body of my car in, like eight places. I might take photos of this geniusness and post them.

*Not ten minutes after running my car into a wall, I came into my apartment, flung open the sliding glass door, and broke that too. When I flung it open the little plastic toggle that locks and unlocks it slammed into the frame and popped off. Sigh.

*We found a movie theater that has $3.50 evening student prices. On first run movies. We almost crapped our pants that was so exciting. So we saw the Incredibles. That was awesome.

*I have also, as of this weekend, sampled every single local and national chain coffee shop in the irvine area. so when you come to visit I can tell you what's typically sweeter, or gross, or overpriced (all of them), etc.

*Then we went driving around Friday night and I anally planned ashleigh's itinerary for while she's here so that she doesnt' waste an ounce of time being bored while I or JD have stupid responsibilities to tend to. Then when we got home I wrote it all out. And it is now on the fridge. Yikes, i know.

*Yesterday I realized I have shopping bulimia. Some of you may have known this about me for years. Anyway, upon purchasing several items yesterday, like man-hating boots and some replacement jeans (because for some reason all of my jeans eventually develop a big ass hole on the left knee. I dont' understand that), I came home and purged my closet of all it's ill-fitting, uncomfortable shlock. So, I might post photos of clothes I intend to get rid of, and if you like something you can request I send it to you along with the scarf. Ok? I'll do that later though.

*Then last night I was fast asleep, and I have a bedside table that is actually a lingerie chest, so it's a tall skinny dresser rright by the bed. I don't usually mind that the top is way up high. So like I said, I'm fast asleep and then I wake up gasping because the cat got on top of the dresser and knocked a glass of cold ass water directly onto me. It was a direct fucking hit. Me freaking out woke JD up and then we had to strip the sheets off the bedbecause they were soaked and I had to change clothes and then I stuck the cat in the bathroom because he's a bitch. So then every twenty minutes for the rest ofthe night he jumped at the door handle enough to free himself, which then required me to get up and shut him out of the bedroom again, to which he responded by freing himself again, etc. I didnt' sleep very well. I either dreamed or remember yelling at JD that it was his fucking turn to deal with the cat at 6am or so but he didn't get up. Something tells me if we have babies it will also go something like that. Sigh.

*we ate at this restaurant yesterday that had baked acorn squash as a seasonal vegetable side dish. Which I got. Which was about the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. for serious.

*there's a what not to wear marathon on the day after t-day. Rest assured i will be watching that whilst I crank out five separate papers, not shopping. Also, how jealous am I that someone is getting a $50,000 WNTW wardrobe on some special show in December. Man. why dont' you guys nominate me!? I totally dress like an old man.

*Go post on the Kwaaanzaaa board.

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Virus= Very Yes

hahahahahaha, I love strongbad. I totally forgot about that site. Lovely.

I'm in a better, less angsty mood now. I decided that i can just roll like that. It is, you see, how I roll. I have to pay the gas bill for this month. It is exactly eight cents. Tell me that's not retarded. I kind of want to call them and make sure they realize they've billed us for eight cents. Maybe they could roll it over to next month and not bother me with these silly details? Yeah I can't believe I have to waste a check and a thirty four cent stamp to pay it.

I didnt' realize the cat was sleeping under the table and I just kicked him. Hard. Oops. Sorry, catface.

I just wanted to say "virus = very yes" and alert you all to the strongbad site. Good god I'm dull.

I Never Saw Rainbows In My Wine

I am going to slit my wrists. No, not really. But I feel like I'm seriously drowning. I need to get a fucking handle on my fucking shit, NOW. I am so annoying myself.

So I have a lot to do. Right, that's like, a given. I just had a meeting in which my professor vetoed my genius plan to only take one class next quarter. Unfortunately, there's only one even passably interesting class. Which means I'm going to be in at least two bullshit classes. Kind of like this quarter.

Sigh.

Which, come to think of it, this quarter and it's ridiculous horseshit approach to quartering are pissing me off. I'm just really negative about all this bullshit. It would probably help if I got some shit finished, got some shit under my intellectual belt, or otherwise started applying my lazy ass instead of whining. But right now, I just want to feel sorry for myself. That sucks that all I do is whine.

Mostly I just update this thing when I feel like whining. So you guys who don't probably care get the brunt of it. Yipes, that's unattractive.

Hahahahahah.

I went to LA today, and B drove, and she was PMSing and driving really weird, and I almost got sick in her car I was so nauseous by the time we got back. So I ate some pretzels and fell asleep until I had this blasted meeting. I just really really wanted to not have to take anything next quarter. I was fantasizing about it. But, alas.

I need to fucking grow some balls. Or something. I hate that grad school seems to be more about how much self-doubt and ambiguity you can personally endure than how well you do. I really think the point is to make you question every goddamn thing you think or say or do. At least, that's what it's become for me. Ha.

Alright, fuck it.

I am making a concerted effort starting now to amend my badditude to better reflect what I should feel as a grad student. Which means I need to start doing a better job of not complaining like this on my blog. Which no one reads or comments on anymore because it's so self-indulgently boring. I apologize. Formally.

With conviction. With purpose.

Can we please start planning Kwaanza? I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's Just Enough To Know It's There

So. Kay.

I am sitting in my literal tower, ostensibly completing my to-do list for today, and I am going to have to admit that I am slightly too tipsy to do so effectively. I just came from a party for the new fakultee and students and I thought it was going to suck, but a few of us with the same cheery outlook on life and forced socializing made beelines for the free wine, classed up the joint by mixing various types of chardonnay in our classy plastic cups, and after a little while I was having a grand old time and I love all of them

Really, though, it's totally fucking cool to be laughing my ass off with people who aren't my usual clique and to feel really comfortable with a lot of the older students and to know that they're good people and to make plans to go "out" with some of them that I havent' hung out with before because we enjoy hanging around each other so much.

And I came up with this brilliant idea last week (whilst entertaining this visiting speaker from the east coast (killaz!) at lunch) with another girl that we need to have regular wine and cheese partays. And she ran with it and organized all this shit. So I'm a genius face. They have a book club now but I'm not into reading to discuss it when it's not absolutely mandatory. Other than that, we never hang out. So that was rocking

Raedy and I had the year's first official meeting of the Breakdown Club on the phone last night. No actual tears were shed, but it helps to get perspective. My grad school life is not hard. Sometimes I forget what a cakewalk it is to NOT be at Cornellll, Umish, or Uchikago. Am I only cheating myself? Maybe, but I don't fucking care. Anywya, I heart Raedy and we're gonna be roommates ONCE MORE at this bane of my existence that's happening in april

Also, i noticed that stacey updated. And since she only does so with good reason, we ALL NEED TO START PLANNING KWAANZA. What days will you all be in town? I wil be in Evansville at least from Xmas to New Years. Havent' figured out yet how long I'll spend in Chitown at the end of the visit, but prob a couple days leeway on either side.

So what's it gonna be? I can't wait to see everyone. Those of you who haven't requested scarves are missing out.

Let's figure it all out in my comments section. Now I want to try to break the record of 65 comments. Starting....now.

hahaha yeah right no one ever comments on this p.o.s.

1000 Nights or More, I Travel East and North

Crap. I woke up and checked my email and the first news-related item I see is that O.D.B. died last night. NOOOOO!!! That sucks so bad, I LOVE him. He was only 35, sniff. So it's going to be one of those days where a bunch of people I like but don't know die mysteriously. Shit, that so sucks.

I have a very lot of work to do today. That I don't want to do. I'm starting to get paralyzed by anxiety with the end of the quarter fast approaching. And I know there are some things I won't be able to do this quarter, and I know it's perfectly reasonable to admit that and be ok with it, but I'm worried about the next 7.5 months like you wouldnt' believe.

I just want to scream that I don't have time/inclination to go out to lunch with this or that visiting speaker or do all this extra work for this thing I'm not really interested in and if the 1st years actually show up to the party tomorrow for the 1st years I'll definitely be there but since I don't even know where the allumnye centre is, why should they?

But I think I might only be taking one class next quarter. Which would free up most of my time to collect the necessary data for these projects, and hopefully would allow me to get enough done that I'm not panicking anymore. We'll see about that. I need to make a giant neurotic timeline schedule of when shit needs to get done for my peace of mind. I think I'll do that first thing today.

I'm eating vegan beef jerky. It's kind of strange. I can't say that I ever liked normal beef jerky.

So I'll get right on those scarves, people.

Man, I've been sick for the last week and now it's definitely going away, but I haven't wanted to go to the gym or do any kind of exercise so my muscles are all atrophied and if I go tonight it's going to hurt real bad. Oh well.

I wish it was next week, so that I could have a couple days of class and then it would be a five-day break for thanksgiving. I just happen not to have anything to do on Wednesday either. So I intend to get quite a bit of work done then, but I guess I can't really put it off until then. I don't want to do this week. It just seems so daunting for some reason.

I do, despite all my bitching, love quarters, and love being on quarters instead of semesters. Weeks fly by when there's only 10 of them. And holy shit it's week 8 tomorrow. Which means that Ashleigh's going to be here in 3 weeks. And that I'm goign to the midwest in 5 weeks. I think once we hit thanksgiving it'll be a blur.

god, I'm so boring. too bad. deal with my boring ness.

My downstairs neighbors introduced one of themselves to us last night by ringing the doorbell and announcing that they were having some friends over form out of town so if they ever got too loud we could feel free to tell them to knock it off. And he gave his cell phone # to jd. so's we could call if the noise got out of hand, presumably.

So we left and came home a few hours later and there was a cop car sitting right out front and the downstairs neighbors' apt was completely dark and allllll the blinds were closed. But there were like 900 pairs of shoes outside on the patio. So I guessed that they were hiding form the cop. Like, pretending not to be there and shit. And then a few mintues later we heard all kinds of running footsteps and their patio door slamming and we figured we guessed right. hahahahaha. That's rich.

We went to this vegetarian restuarant last night. Oh, it's so delicious. I love fake meat. I about crapped my pants it was so good. And then we went to borders, where they closed early, and then we went and saw Birth. Which I hadn't had any desire to see. But we wanted to see something. And that was our best bet. So we saw that. It was weird. Afterward, JD heard some old lady across the theater say, "that was pretty gay!" really loud and angrily. That was funny. We had trouble keeping straight faces through some of the more incestuous scenes. Oh and there's this one part where nicole kidman is sitting in a bathtub and her back is to the camera and jd leaned over and goes, "i didnt' know hilary swank was in this" and I didnt' think it was funny, and after the movie he explains that he thought nicole kidman sitting in the bathtub was the little boy in the movie. So the hillary swank joke should have been funny. Whatev.

Anyway, we're children. We can't not giggle. Too bad.

But we were out celebrating the fact that jd decided to take the job at the center, which he made official by telling the center that, and sometime soon he should be done with getting up at 4:30 and always being tired and working 60 hours a week and only having one day off and having shitty health insurance and being verbally assaulted by the anti-gringo task force and coming home smelling like chemicals and having super glue all over himself and it's going to be fantastic.

He's going to need some dress clothes too, whee!

God, I am so boring. I took a page from Jenny's list-making blog update book.

I need to go take a shower. I am dirrrrrrrty.

Laters!

I Hope You Can Feel This

Ok. I'm not kidding, you all need to tell me what color scarf you prefer. In the lobby. comments section lobby. Your choices right now are:

light urple
charcoal
royal blue
emerald green

or after I raid the fabric store again

beige
white with speckles
dark red
dark purple
black

So, let me know. It turns out, as I've already made a shitload of them, that it really only takes me a couple hours per scarf. I wish wish wish I could make mittens or hats, but alas, I am really not that good. Sign up for colors or you'll have to take what I assign you. Which may or may not please you. Oh, and don't worry about getting me a present in return. Yarn costs, like, four bucks. Buy me a drink if you want a scarf. Ok? Yes, lovely. And actually, they are turning out to be Much Nicer than the scarves I made a couple years ago, so don't worry about looking like a walking Fashion Don't. Plus, they're made with love. So who wants one? Come on, people, fuel my ridiculous compulsion. I need to channel nervous energy into something, and creating something is proving to be a really therapeutic outlet for me.

I'm totally serious, I'll happily make one for everyone who reads this. Just tell me what color you want, and whether or not you want tassels on the end (they look cute, dont' worry, even for dudes).

Thanxxx

Oh and I don't feel any better yet, thanks for asking

Lovels

All Over My Teeth

Get OUT of your car, you lazy honking jackass! There is someone outside honking who has been honking for six minutes and is continuously honking but leaning on different parts of the horn so in essence he or she is playing a really awful tune that is making my skin crawl. No amount of shouting in my living room seems to ba able to shut him or her up. Gawd.

I am really feeling under the weather and am in a bad way of wanting constant attention and pandering-to and am not getting it and have a lot of work to do but just want to sleep and sit around being tended to by my healthy boyfriend. I am so lame when I'm sick. I am such a whiny little retard. I dont' want to do mah waahrk

Ok, I am done pouting about having something potentially career-enhancing happen to me. That was lame of me and I apologize. I just was counting on it being rejected. However, I got confirmation of what I've suspected for weeks with another project I'm writing up today that no, in fact, it won't be ready for submission by the deadline I set that would most benefit me on another project, so I am pretty pissed off. Only because this is the same professor who likes to dangle ridiculous carrots and then yank them away once you're too entrenched in whatever she bribed you to do to back out. I'm getting a little sick of it, frankly, and since her favorite thing about me is my "directness" I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from informing her that she needs to cut the shit.

That did, however, move said project to the Very Bottom of my list of priorities, which takes some of the pressure off me to write that and allows me to write the billionty other things that weren't getting done because of it. So, whatever, I'm annoyed but I guess it all works out. Such is the life of a researcher. Ha.

So in other, more interesting news, JD got an offer from his second job (he's been under consideration for several different positions that are opening up there that are full time) yesterday. And it's big. fat. adult. money. It has been a crazy week for him, job-wise. I'll keep you all posted on what he decides to do. There are pros and cons both ways. Either full-time job will now allow him to quit the second, and still have way more free time than he's had for the last year. I'm fucking thrilled, it's great, and it's a giant relief.

Anyway. I have shit to get done. Sigh.

Some Water, Please

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUCKK!!! FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK!!!

1.) I called the other day to schedule a loooooong-overdue gyno appointment. I have me planner open and I'm seeing that Friday of this week looks good and I've durn well procrastinated long enough, and I open my mouth to request Friday and this conversation happens instead:

Receptionist: Do you want a male or a female doctor?
Me:(shuddering, remembering how creepy it was that the 1st one I went to was the obsetrician who delivered me) I'd prefer a female
Receptionist: Ok, let's see........ the soonest you can see a female doctor is......... next year.
Me (spit take): What?! Next YEAR?!?!
Recptionist: Yep. Actually, February is probably the soonest. But a male doctor can see you in December.
Me: I'll wait until February
Her: Ok, then we only have Mondays and Fridays available.
Me: Friday, please
Her: Friday February 11th is the soonest. What time?


I have to wait THREE MONTHS to see the girl doctor? Since WHEN???? Damn.

2.) JD and I went to Ikea this weekend and finally bought a light fixtuee to replace the incredibly seventies, incredibly ugly-ass light hanging in the dining room. That we joked around about with the leasning guy when we moved in. That he actually said, "oh what, you want to change out that ugly ass light? Why? Are you serious? No, I'm just kidding I would expect you to want to change it out. Maintenance will do it for you"

So I called last night to put in a request for them to come do that today. Today I came back from LA and they had done otehr stuff but not that. A note told me that they thought I meant to change the lightbulb in it, though I thought I made it clear. So I called the office again, and had this conversation:

Me: Hi, I need to make a service order, i'm in blah blha
Margot: Are you a resident?
Me: Yes, I'm in blah blah
Margot: Are you on the lease?
Me: Yes.
Margot: And ok, what apartment are you in?
Me: blah. blah.
Margot: And what can I help you with today?
Me: i need the maintenance people to come change out my light fixture for a different one. Not change the bulb, but change the fixture.
Margot: *pause* Ok, they could come take it down for you, but you'd have to get someone...you'd have to have someone do the rest for you.
Me: ok, in that case, I can take it down myself. It just unscrews, right?
Margot: Uhh. Yeah but you can't get rid of it!
Me: I know, I'll just store it somewhere.
Margot: Well, You can bring it down here and have maintenace store it here for you
Me: Ok, great, thanks. Bye bye
Margot: Ok, thanks Liz Bye!

Then I sit down and crochet frantically, which is all I've done for three days, and a few mintues later my phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Margot: Hi, Liz? Is this Liz? This is Margot from the office
Me: Yeah, hello.
Margot: I just talked to maintenance and since there is asbestos in your ceiling, it's not safe for you to change and it's not safe for them to change, so it's going to have to stay there. It says so in your lease.
Me: (knowing full well it does NOT say our light fixture is blocking asbestos release in our lease) Oh? When did you guys find out about the asbestos?
Margot: Huh
Me: Because they told us when we moved in, Before we signed the lease, that it would be no problem to switch out the fixture, and that they would do it for us
Margot: *silence*
Me: So I just wondered when that changed
Margot: Well, I cant' be responsible for what they told you that was wrong.
Me:
Margot:
Me:
Margot:
Me: Ok, thanks, bye bye.

So now I have to take that stupid light fixture back. Which is going to kill a whole fucking day. There's nowhere else to put it in this apartment. Oooh, and I hate that gold seventies bullshit that's in there now and forever.

So then I got online and looked up asbestos, because my downstairs neighbors didn't apparently ask before they switched out their own light fixture, and I want to know how likely it is that I'm going to die because I live above retards.

And if "margot" had just explained it to me, I wouldn't have had such a testy conversation with her today. It turns out, as many of you may know, that asbestos is relatively "harmless" so long as you dont' disturb it. So that's fine, I can live with the light looking totally out of place. But also, I learned that "damage" to an asbestos-addled substance, say, my ceiling, can be bad. And it's been raining here, and basically every time it rains a new water damage spot appears on the ceiling in the bedroom riiiight above the bed. We can count how many times it's rained since we lived here. And water damage is one of the things mentioned as being bad. And I went to bed with wet hair two nights ago, and probably gave myself pneumonia, but I'm sick today and havent' been able to sleep soundly in there because it's been so dry and weird. Even though it's been raingin, it's dry. I'm, of course, convinced that I have asbestos poisoning and will be sick liek this the rest of my life.

3.) Today in LA, the sassy undergrad who meets us from USC didnt' show up. And my friend A went with the express purpose of yelling at this undergrad today, so she was double pissed that D (the undergrad) didnt' show up. D wears see-through white skirts with sparkly blue thongs that you can both see through the skirt and above it as she pulls the sides over her hips in that really classy way, and always her shoes are something that gives us fits. Usually they involve a five-inch lucite heel, or some denim patchwork, but always they are IN A PPROPRIATE. Basically she is inappropriately dressed every time she meets us. Which compromises our whole study, especially BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE IS TWELVE AND THE DAYCARE WORKERS THINK SHE IS THERE TO ATTEND HER HEARING AND DONT LET HER OUT OF THEIR SIGHT

So there was some drama with her sassing us today.

4.) Then, and this is related, I came home, fought with Margot, took a looong nap, and then woke up to check my email. In my email is a notice that my first-authored conferrrrince submissshin that I was PRAYING would be rejected like the one that has my name fourth on it was, the submisshin that I have to PRESENT at the BIGGEST DEVLOPMENTASHALA CONFIRRENCE because my name is first, I HAVE TO GIVE THE DAMN TALK,

GOT ACCEPTED.

WHHHHAT THE FUUUUCK!?!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

shit sht shit shti sthisthsithsithsith sithstihstihstih stishtisht

sith sith sith
Let me remind you why this causes more stress than I woudl like:

I HAVE NO DATA. in three months we have collected TWELVE subjects.

I HAVE TO COLLECT DATA FOR MY 2nd yir project. WHICH IS ALSO GOING TO BE A RACE AGAINST TIME TO GET DONE AND PRESENTED BY APRIL

We havent' started collecting part of the data. I don't know if eye are Bee has even approved it yet.

THIS MEANS I HAVE TO WRITE A TALK AND GIVE IT BY MYSELF ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM ALL THE OTHER SHIT I'M WORKING ON. WHICH IS A LOT OF EXTRA WORK. NOT TO MENTION SOMETHING I WILL FREAK THE FUCK OUT ABOUT FROM NOW UNTIL IT'S OVER

I'm going to aim to be slitting my wrists....now. Some empathy would be appreciated.

It Could Will Be A Cold Night For A Long Time

Yes, it's Sunday. I'm turning into my mother as I notice that I typically spend Sundays watching endless numbers of shitty movies on tv. At least I avoid the Lifetime channel. Today I've watched Just Married (don't ask me why, I know it's lame, but I think that movie is funny. don't tell anyone), Dirty Dancing, and now I'm watching Iron Jawed Angels. Again. all of these I've seen before. And with the exception of the first, none are all that lame.

Plus I just heard this quote:

"when it comes to oranges and women, bravery is often mistaken for insanity," from the HBO movie

that I liked.

So lesseeee. This weekend I did the following:

* kicked JD in the nuts. Hard. On accident, but square in the nuts. How did this happen? I was miming kicking him in the nuts and I misjudged the distance. Yes, I know. I felt bad.

* bought several skeins of yarn with which to make you all Xmas presents that you will inevitably hate. Please let me know your color preferences.

* had celebratory dinner party fun time for jd's raise on friday

* had a fantastic time with my friends last night wherein we went to a "jazz" club that's in a really cool restaurant and we first came over here and the six of us drank about 5 bottles of wine and I got to entertain and feel domestic, which was kind of nice. I'm being domestic more and more lately. Ha.

* called Keith last night at 4:30am his time with the sole intention of leaving him a voicemail of me going, "I'm Rick James, Bitch" in my best Dave Chapelle imitation. Unfortunately, he answered his phone, only to have me laugh hysterically for about three minutes before I could apologize for waking him up

and some other stuff but I dont' feel like typing. My cat is freaking out. I need to go do some crochet. Woo hoo.
Yeah, "sorry" this is so trite

I Won't Always Love These Selfish Things

Ok. So.

We elected Turd Sandwich (I am referring to the president as Turd Sandwich for the duration) the other day. Great. I'm done pouting about it but I still don't get it. O wonder how many domestic terrorist groups this will inspire. With assault rifles. Provided by K. Thanks, K!

I don't know why I watch the View. It always makes me feel murderous rage. Especially when they have a fashion show. Sigh.

So JD called me this morning from work to tell me that his big boss at Rikkkkkenbocher told him that he put in for a raise for him, and is making it retroactive through last pay period because he meant to do it sooner, and just as JD was about to be like, oh, that's nice that it's retroactive but you dont have to do that (because he was assuming it would be a quarter, or something), his boss tell him how much of a raise it it. Holy. Shit. He got a 78% raise from this place. And he's up/interviewing for full time lead positions at his other job. Hmmm. But now he could quit his second job entirely and still make more than he did with them both combined. I'm fucking ecstatic. We're going to have to celebrate Friday. Provided women are still allowed to go out in public without covering our faces.

So I finished pouting all day yesterday and then came home and got a Halloween card from Ashleigh with photos in it!!! YAY!! Thank you ashpee, that made me so happy.

And we got this flier in a money mailer coupon thing for plane tickets to Hawaii being $300 in winter quarter. We might go. Oh, and also there was a coupon for flights to europe for $499, which we might also use. Who wants to go see Slint in February in England, huh? Come on people, it's not THAT many thousands of dollars.

I also got that fat student loan finally the other day. I believe it was Tuesday. So now I'm trying hard to exercise willpower and not do anything crazy. Like defect to Vancouver. I'm tempted to start applying for Fullbright positions across the pond. Anygay.

I have a headache, a lame class, a shitload of work, and a frustrating parking situation to look forward to today. I also need to shower, eat breakfast (it's still morning here, bitches!) and put clothes on. And take my prideful "I Voted" sticker off my bag. And the Election Day pin that's affixed next to it.

I forgot to say yesterday that Cali passed some cool shit, even if the rest of the country choked on its own vomit. Oh and good job Indiana on electing Bayh. (really)

Hey, local news, stop calling this presidency a clear mandate.

So we passed a stem cell research proposition, which lets scientists do reseach without getting thrown in jail, so that's nice. We also didnt' fuck over the Native Americans one more time, which made me happy. We got some money for building children's hospitals and helping mental illness by taxing people who make over a million bucks a year, so that was good too. And our senator, the very lovely and democratic Barbara Boxxxer, is pro-women's rights even in her tv spots. Woohoo.

Not that she or Evan B will have any say in anything since the rightwing has somehow fearmongered their way into a gigantic majority.

I need some coffee or myhead will explode. LOVELS!

This Plane Is Definitely Crashing

Holy. Shit.

I keep almost crying and then I forget about it for a second and then I pass someone else who looks like they're about to cry (it's a nice change, this living in California thing) and then I remember and almost cry some more. I just got out of a grad seminar where it was extremely obvious that many many people had been up all night crying their eyes out. The whole department is hushed and no one is making eye contact, and my friend Kristin came into class and burst into tears and though there were some other reasons on top of this Colossal Bullshit it had something to do with this too.

Then in the break of that class we turned a tv on, just in time to catch the beginning of Kerry's concession speech. Which caused a lot of sniveling among us. And then I could do naught but pout the rest of the class. We had a brief discussion in which one of the girls reminded all of us that this means Roe V. Wade is trashed, and there's a rumor that W wants to appoint Clarence Thomas to head justice. I want to slash my wrists. I want to bolt for canada, but I know they're not letting us in. My class actually talked about how Canada won't have us. No one would, and can you fucking blame them? We re-elected that fucking retard. I can't bear to check the guardian's website today.

I can't believe this. The fucking popular vote? From the people who got stomped on the most by this piece of shit administration? What the fuck are they thinking? MORAL VALUES is the most important thing to vote on?!?!?!? Kerry wasn't going to imoralize this country! Just say it, you fucking heartland bastards. You voted on gay marriage (and ps, WTF is this unanimous rejection thing about?!) and abortion and who's the loudest about being a christian lunatic. I hate this.

I hate that map, of allllll the red in the middle. I want to secede. This makes me want to rethink my entire life plan. Where was the goddamn youth vote? I thought P. Diddy had that covered! I'm going to cry if I don't stop thinking about it. The Supreme Court thing especially. And fuck, anything having to do with women's rights. Get your free specch in now, ladies, you won't have it for long. This offensive blog will probably have to go. Along with

GOD DAMMIT. This is so embarrassing. And the Republicans have control of everything. By a lot. What the fuck are we all supposed to do? We're already as far from the middle of that fucking map as possible. And it's not like there aren't people trapped in that fucking red blob who tried. but christ, people, what the fuck happened? I was so optimistic yesterday. I just need to lay down and sleep for the next four years. I'm going to either hibernate or move to europe. It's not just that he won, it's that he won by a lot, and that means there are more people who want to rollback everything decent about the last forty years (slavery probably included) than there are who bother to pay any kind of attention to anything at all that happens in reality.

Listen to me, I have nothing to say. Don't look at me, stop looking at me don't look at me don't look at me EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME I'M SO PRETTY EVERYBODY LOOK

I'm going to go have an abortion now jsut because I can.