It's Hard to Make the Good Things Last

hahahahhahaha, aha ah ah aha ha ah

Fun with Google. Fun fun fun. Check out JD's new funny funny link for clarification. No, I don't think it's real, and you shouldn't either, but isn't it fun to pretend? Click on the sidebar that says "poetry by author" if you want to read his other poems about heartbreak, love, or religion. Hoooooo hooo

Less than four hours until the lamest month ever is over. thank christ

Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm kicking my group project's ass all over the place, despite the nothing I have to work with, and I just made a fucking powerpoint presentation for it and finished the extremely convoluted group paper so it's NEARLY finished

Also, I forced Ashleigh to promise earlier that she will arrange fun sleepovers for me as often as possible when I am in town, because my sister will also be in town, and sometimes having the Davis Three all in one teeny apartment leads to friction, and I won't have a car or anywhere specific to go to escape, so I'll be counting on nice invitations to slumber parties from you all, and also on being chauffered around the entire time I'm home. So, that plus a birthday party isn't too much to ask, right?

And what I want for Xmas, if you're planning on shopping for me, which you're of course not but it never hurts to be specific, is for you to go buy yourself a goddamn plane ticket and come visit southern california in the near future, because you must believe me when I say it is awesomely hard to be bored here, and I know you're jonesing for the beach, and all the hedonistic unnecessities they have here would be so much more fun if you were here. Or Ikea gift cards. Because there are rooms in this apartment that are comically sparse, and it distracts me like clutter. Organized chaos, has to be a very specific organized mess for me to function.

So, Chris Daniels, when will you be home and do you wanna go see LOTR with me when you get there? And if anyone wants to see any movies at all, I almost definitely have not seen them and probably want to, so let's do that. And sis if you want to go to Chicago at some point let's do that, I promised grandma I would try to get up there but haven't a car. Raedy when are you coming to Eville to visit we should plan one of the sleepovers to coincide with your being there so as to best facilitate Karaoke Party and I'd like to be drunk most of the time I'm home

And I'll be sleeping about 14 hours a day, so I'll be awake when you're free. Wow, I'm really looking forward to seeing all you guys. Only 17 more days! Whee!

Time to go churn out yet ANOTHER paper

Captain Bitter

I'm taking a wee tiny break from wanting-to-kill-myself paper writing to roll my eyes at how badly people who are supposed to be smart write scientifically. Also, no one but Raedy will understand how hard it is to track down professors who are supposed to write you recommendation letters as the deadline approaches; I have three out of four still ignoring my increasingly frantic reminders that the letters are due this Wednesday, which is not helping my overall stress level. Cuz you know what? If I don't have fucking recommendations, I can kiss the chance of funding goodbye, which isnt' funny in light of how much busting my ass I've been (and still have to do) doing for months only to have them crap out on me at the last second.

If I were a pop star, I wouldn't let Shania Twain's stylist anywhere near me

oh wait there's a fat virginal crossword puzzle over there calling my name, gotta go

My Inner Demons Compel Me To Be Here

So we'll do this in two parts; one where I bitch and one where I espouse all the things I'm happy for.

Red and Yellow and Pink and Blue
1.) I am tired of editing together bits of slop my fellow group members send me that don't make sense logically or temporally if you read them straight through; however, they are chock full of words like "evinced," and not in the right context. It's like if a certain ex-boyfriend of mine had decided to write his memoirs and asked me to smart them up for him.

2.) I am not pleased that I have been holding my breath to receive a comp cd in the mail for a whole week that I don't really believe is coming, but it's so exciting to get something in the mail I can't help it.

3.) I forgot to take my comp cds I just made with us when we drove to Phoenix. So, we listened to the same three JD hates over and over and over

4.) It took us eight (8) hours of continuous driving to get there Wednesday. Eight. Eight HOURS. I don't think I hate anything more than driving inland from here and having to go through Riverside where ALL the traffic from the whole southern half of the state is funnelled into one huge construction lane, and then people are such assholes that they probably meant to crash into one another on the freeways and back up traffic for such a long time that people got out of their cars and walked their dogs as we sat there in the middle of the desert with nothing to look at. Eight fucking hours, and the last half my car was out of oil (?!) and shaking and we were 6,000 ft. in the air driving straight up the side of a mountain that we couldn't see because it was dark with 15mph curves that really meant 15mph

Oh, and hence unless it is important, I don't want to ever go to the huge Palm Springs outlet mall when you come visit. Unless you REALLY want to go, because I hate Riverside that much.

5.) If I don't start sleeping like a normal person soon, I am going to a psychiatrist. I am really really worried about it. especially because I had a dream this morning where eminem flicked a tick off my forehead and then I had a third-eye scar there

6.) I think all my clothes are shrinking when I wash them. That, or, as is probably the case, I have gained eight thousand pounds since becoming a sedentary grad student and soon won't be able to move from the couch; or, fit into one plane seat.

7.) The next week of my life, until Friday at noon, is going to suck huge balls. I don't even want to think about it too hard here. It just blows. all over the place.

8.) I need a cigarette, a tanning bed, and a haircut almost as bad as I need a caffeine IV, a full night's sleep, and a bottle of rum. On a deserted island. With all my favorite people.

9.) When you're too busy to sort out your health insurance and get your ass to the gynocologist, and you run out of birth control a couple months ago and you have actual menstrual cramps for the first time in like 7 years, that sucks.

10.) I am sad that my birthday's going to be very probably very dull...JD will have started both his jobs by then and I'll be done with school, so I'll be sitting around studying for the GRe subject test. Hint. Bored off my ass. Hint. With the phone in easy reach. Hint. Also, I am distarught that LOTR comes out on the day I fly home, which means JD and I can't go see it, which means unless one of you volunteers I have no one to look forward to seeing it with that will clap and cheer like all the hardcore Tolkien dorks do when it's opening night. Maybe there's a midnight show.
Hint. Ahem, volunteers? Hint.


Orange and Purple and Blue

1.) I am thankful for family, period. It never used to matter so much to me, but it's so nice that we can go hang out with JD's grandparents and I feel so welcome (you've all met JD's mom, right? they're her parents and it runs in the family) that it doesn't matter that the drive was the worst of my life, or we go to Coco's for thanksgiving dinner and I have cinnamon french toast, because they insist on taking us to see the world's largest collection of themed gingerbreads houses and the world's largest display of animated xmas lights in a park you drive through. And mom and Jenny, whose non-presence made it feel acutely NON-holidayish for me, who I can't wait to see....it's just such a reassurance that there are people who care unconditionally whether you're blood or not, and I love all of them (and all of you as well, pseudo-family!) back

2.) Dave Walsh calling JD's cell phone, apparently drunk, at 3am last night, the only night this week I've been sleeping at 3am, to announce that he, Toni, Dustin, and Shane miss us, and saying that he thought with the time difference it wouldn't be too late to call us. Hahahahahahahahahaha

3.) The Two Towers extended version

4.) The fact that the end of this quarter is in sight. And things are getting done.

5.) JD's fucking kick ass job at Rickenbacker

6.) Mind-numbingly easy crossword puzzles

7.) I have a working car, a fabulous apartment, clothes, food, my best friend, a bed to sleep on, everything I need, plus all the stuff that goes along with Indiana that I get to look forward to

8.) Being at a school I like, in a program I love, with people I get along with and can hang out with, with enough support to feel like I'll be as successful as possible here

9.) Dreams that wake me up thinking they're still real for a few seconds, especially ones with people I don't normally get to see

10.) Everyone I care about is relatively healthy and happy.

what the hell else would I possibly need or want

Oh, maybe a month-long birthday party celebration. Please.
But that's it

Time to watch Legolas Fest II and then sleep until I have to pick my friend up at the airport. Come visit. Lovels to you all, even those of you who are too cool to update or write anymore.

Artex, You're Sinking

I want to gouge my eyeballs out with highlighters, because then maybe I could have a nice break from looking at things I don't care about.
This has been an entire day of people coming up to me, slapping me in the face, and going "there, I've effectively tripled your workload-which was already at critical mass-for the rest of the quarter. I'd like a cookie now"
I just posted a big stupid rant about how busy I am, but fuck it. Everyone's busy, everyone's losing their mind (and "everyone" to me, as usual, means "Raedy" because she's representative) and I don't doubt I can live until next Friday, I just kind of don't want to have to jump through all the suddenly appearing hoops to get there. Fucking bullshit tidal waves coming out of nowehre today, everyone asking me to do things that are semi-reasonable when it's just that thing, but I am way overextending myself

Oh wait, I forgot I have a pretty vicious bitchy streak, I'll just tell people no when they overload me with bitchwork that isn't my problem. Nevermind, problem solved.

Jeeeeeeeze oh pete

So tomorrow after my ass-o-clock meeting we're going to Phoenix for thanksgiving, that's nice, that'll be fun, tonight I have to do more work than I can fathom, all while trying not to just zonk out because I haven't slept in two days. Because I've been so worried about oversleeping. Fuck

Hey but JD got a job, check his blog...that's good news. I wish I had something interesting-er to talk about. I'm just busy. And having panic attacks. And spitting while I talk. And NOT holding my breath for a comp cd I was told was in the mail, which has not arrived and never will, because the sender probably "accidentally sent it to wendi" instead

fuuuuck

I WANT A BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I GET HOME

I Wanna Banish You From Whence You Came

I had a dream this morning where I ventured too far into the ocean and found myself in that same stupid can't-move-no-matter-how-hard-I-fight-the-current scenario as Florida only it was nighttime so it was double scary. I had a dream yesterday morning where I was at "disneyland" which was nothing like disneyland but I've "been" to this place in dreams before and this time I decided to go a different way when I first walked in and I discovered this "nature trail" that let you walk up to overlook a huge waterfall thing and I was convinced I was going to fall to the bottom, break all my bones, and then drown in two feet of water.

Also, my sleep schedule has been a little erratic in that I either sleep not at all, tossing and turning and dozing for ten minutes at a time to total not more than 40 minutes of sleep, or I sleep for 14 hours in a 24-hour period and can't function. And no matter which it is, I have a constant pounding headache. I'm starting to think I'm making myself sick by being stressed out all the time. I feel like crying or throwing up all the time. I am so sick of always being out of money. More than anything, I'm sick of having to worry all the time about how we're going to pay next month's bills and how the fuck we're ever going to pay any of our debt back, and it's just exhausting. It's not even school. It's just this continual lump in my throat that's been there for the last four months and isn't going away because nothing has changed in terms of How Much Shit I Have To Worry About since we got here. It would have been perfectly manageable for the first month, or the first two months, or the first two-and-a-half months, but I just can't function at this fever pitch anxiety level anymore. My body's just shutting down right and left and I stare at blank walls for minutes at a time without a single thought running through my head. I think I'm losing my mind.

It's About Damn Time

Well, it's official. If you go to msn.com and search for "euphamism for pooping," my blog pops up as number one.

It's a proud, proud day in the Davis family.

Maybe I Haven't Made Myself Clear

I had a dream this morning that I foolishly left a sweater and a purse, containing all my mom's jewelry, somewhere and forgot it, and when i went back to retrieve it I was delighted to find it still there, sans all the valuables including her wedding band. The idea that her wedding band was stolen was the salient idea in the dream. I'll be accepting explanations all day.

Today in class a woman came to talk to us who does research on seismology. Oh good god. There is no doubt in my mind that california will be separating at the San Andreas Fault in the next twenty years and everyone who lives below it (i.e., LA, Orange county, san diego, me) will go swiftly into the sea. Oh my god. She compared the energy release of different earthquakes to comprehendable things, like lightning, and the odds of a huge earthquake somewhere along any of the eight bajillion faults in southern california that is equal to the energy release of 32 NUCLEAR WARHEADS are alarmingly large. Like, every fault in the entire area is overdue to go, and it is not going to be pretty when it does. Oh my god. And everything below the SAF (us included) is moving northwest (!) at a GPS-detectable rate of about as fast as your fingernails grow, separate from the other side of the fault. Which means that all this strain is building up in the fault, and when it finally gives there's going to be a gigantic displacement and probably we are going to sink and die and the world is completely going to end.

Earthquakes, while fucking fascinating, are really unsettling. Hahahahahahaha. "unsettling."

Happy late birthday, celeste. Congrats on turning in your brief, Chris.
I think Oprah could say "poop on a stick is a great holiday gift" and people woudl not only believe her, they'd form a foundation about it. Whereas I don't even have the ability to found a fricking book club.

Also, those of you who have thanked me for the comp cds are very welcome. Those of you whose name is Jenny and MUST have gotten them by now (since they made it to France) but haven't said anything can eat a dick.

You know what's annoying when you have a really tight, neurotic schedule of things you need to do? Not being able to get any of the readings for either of your classes because assholes have taken them and not returned them in days and it's not like you're fucking surprised because they do this every time but it's still really fucking irritating.

Yeah grumble.

I was also required to read some articles for today that discussed Irvine in specific, and how weird this whole area is. You'll just have to come see for yourselves, but I've lost sight of what's weird compared to the midwest (except there aren't any fat people here, and no one smokes, except our downstairs neighbors, but since "chronic" isn't bad for you, who cares) so it'll be fun to watch reactions to the fact that I am wearing a tank top and flip flops and couldn't be more comfortable. And, the jaw-dropping shopping. Hoo hoo hoo. What do you guys want me to bring home for Xmas that you can't get in Indiana? Might be a tough question since you don't know what's here.

Anyway. Earthquakes. Suck.

When It Comes Right Down to It, This Is Really Not Your Fight

I've spent the entire day doing nothing. JD and I tried reading the paper and drinking coffee like tv couples do on Sundays, but when I would ask him for help with the crossword puzzle and he would reply, "Buzzule fweeeberlt oriffythish," I just got frustrated. Not only would he mumble incoherent consonants and loll around on the bed with his wanger hanging out the bottom of his shorts (I'd like to point out the excessive use of the word "wanger" by us all; thanks to Raedy's ex-boyfriend/ninja assassin Shawn for introducing us to it), but his suggesting words like "orangutan" when I say the clue is "baked good" and it's b-blank-e-a-d just sealed the deal. JD is not useful for completing crossword puzzles, everyone.

Other than that, I've read a magazine and watched two consecutive Law & Order:Criminal Intent episodes. I have left the bed only to pee since I woke up. I'm telling myself I don't have to be doing anything productive today because the real deluge of work and stress shouldn't start until, oh, tomorrow morning. So then it's probably non-stop freaking out until the very end of the quarter, which is much sooner than I can wrap my brain around right now. Oh damn it's 11 and I actually have lots I should do tonight. Fuck.

Like Clockwork Markovnikov Processes

Well. It's Thursday and as I live and breathe and sit down to start outlining what may be the most amusing post in the world (to me at least, and perhaps Stacey) my cell phone rings. And, like clockwork, I'm just sitting down to watch nbc, I'm thinking about what reading I need to do, I'm settling into the evening, and since it's been two weeks to the fucking hour, my cell phone rings. ahh, routine. Ahhhh, the feeling of being slotted into the "thursday night after work every other week" phone call circuit.

At least I fucking talked to Stace today. Laughed my ass off. Good metaphor, good stuff. I'll put it up here next time I feel like typing. It's going to be a new game where you try to guess who the composite asshole I'm describing is. the answer will surely stun you.

I rocked a midterm today, check it out Raedy, it had MULTIPLE CHOICE questions on it. absurd that they even offer matching sections on a grad exam. Fuuuuuunny. The professor thought he was pretty hilarious too, I guess the idea that we all way over-studied really amused him. Great. Oh fuck it I tore it up.

How are you guys? I AM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TO MY TRIUMPHANT RETURN, FINALE TO MY FIRST QUARTER OF GRAD SCHOOL, MONTH-LONG BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION FOR WHICH STACEY HAS PROMISED TO MAKE A CAKE, AND MULTIPLE ROAD TRIPS TO ANYWHERE ANYONE WANTS TO GO, IN YOUR CARS.

Fabulous-o

You Can't Call A Baby An Asshole!

Wowie wow wow, look at all that introspective ranting I'll take credit for inspiring! Very hilarious and thought-provoking. Makes me nostalgic for books like 1984, Brave New World, Season of Passage (heh), The Prince, and Nausea. We should start a book club. I tried to start a book club with Keith a couple weeks ago, this is how that went:

Me: Let's start a book club, if you're so bored and unfulfilled with your life
Him: Ok.
Me: What should we read?
Him: I dunno.
Me: Nabokov, Dostoevsky, Sartre, LOTR trilogy, the hobbit, Dune, Dr. Doolittle (some of you who aren't me or Jenny may not realize how AWESOME the Dr. Doolittle books are), 1984, Brave New World..
Him (interrupting): Actually, I havent' read 1984
Me: Oh! Then we should read that!
Him: No, I'm kinda proud of never having read it. Stupid required reading I never had to do in high school
Me: It's not stupid! It's one of my favorite books. What about Brave New World?
Him: I've read parts of that a long time ago, I think that's all I need to know about that stuff

(Meaning, I guess, dystopias?)

Me: Ok, then how about..
Him (interrupting): So did I mention that I made you a comp cd three months ago but have been listening to it myself since then and have no plans to actually send it to you because my girlfriend doesn't want me making cds for you?
Me: So, we'll just nevermind about the book club then

Yeah. So Let's start a nice book club.

Also:
*I caught my own fingernail in my jeans zipper today and ripped it. That's a first.

*Jenny, Andy; Your much-anticipated comp cds are in the mail. Pardon the fricking Sanrio stationary overload. Aric, your dvd is en route. Keith, I sent a cd to you care of Wendi's parents to the Indianapolis address you provided. Hahahahahaha.

there was something else I wanted to comment on and I've forgotten it.

Oh yeah: Guys, in keeping with Andy's suggestion to not just blanket-ly state that I love you (which is a good and frustrating point to make), I have some compliments to dole out:

JD: your ass looks killer in those jeans today (have any of you ever seen JD wear jeans? it was weird and never happened until he got this pair. HOLLA)

Stacey: I'd like to wish you a sincere congrats on reaching your six month anniversary! That's quite a feat. You also have a lovely storytelling style!

Ashleigh: You are so thoughtful to send holiday cards! I know I'm proud to find gossip out about you, and your blog always makes me laugh aloud. Especially your fresh-off-the-street slang. I always look to you for the latest greatest phrasings.

Raedy: You are SO kicking ass in grad school! We're both going to be wildly famous and collaborate on thousands of studies! Also, you have a very entertaining photo blog.

Chris: Pumpkin, I'm sorry school is hard. At least you have your dashing dark hair/blue eyes combo going to keep you afloat, with the ladies at least.

KyKy: Super congrats on the photography thing! If it's really in December instead of January you bet your ass I'm going to come see it!

Shane: Man, you tell such wacky stories on your blog! they always give me a chuckle (thanks, dustin!)

Toni: You have an ass that just won't quit!

Melissa: You're going to change the world fer serious!

Andy: Way to kick ass being in France! I wish I had the balls to do that!

Sis Face: I am so proud of all your academic accomplishments, and you are totally rocking that internship you're totally going to get. Can't wait for you and the Levester to come visit!

Anyone else who reads this: You're special too!

LOVE YOU GUYS!

Don't You Feed Me Lies About Some Idealistic Future

I have been burning comp cds for those of you who have requested them for the last, oh, four hours. Too bad I couldn't stop myself from making more cds while I was burning the existing ones. Those of you receiving this extravaganza in the mail will be averaging 4 comp cds. Happy Thanksgiving!

In other news, I'm ignoring the pile of work next to this screen with all my willpower. Fucking end-of-quarter horseshit.

Why don't you guys ever update regularly? It so hurts my feelings. I'll figure all these links out eventually. Blakckkka-ka-ka

I Want So Badly To Believe; That There is Truth, that Love is Real

So, with the resoundingly supportive response to my venty-ranty post (hahahaha, did you guys even notice? perhaps I should rethink that comments section) I find myself at a loss for who wants comp cds. Now's the time to get em, fresh off the powerbook.

Those will have to be your Xma presents, I'm afraid.

So JD got a letter in the mail from the cops, saying "Congratulations! You passed your orals! If you haven't heard from us in SIX MONTHS you have to reapply."

And that's all it says. So, he's going to go work at Rickenbacher (sp?) making basses instead, which might suit him a little more. At least, that's the plan. We'll see.

I too turned in a huge pain-in-the-ass grant proposal this week, it was nice to see it go and not get an error message when I clicked the submit button. Still to do: round up those elusive letters and take the subject test, vomit sauce.
I have a midterm this coming week, and other than that it's week 7 of a 10 week quarter, holy shit.

Back to the trite bullshit, I see. It's a lot easier than pretending I'm insightful or clever.

I Believe In A Thing Called Love; Just Listen to The Beating of My Heart

Oh yes, I've been in hyper-introspective mode and have been making comp cds. The latest batch (How Can It Be/That We/Defy This Tragedy) is a 3-disc set that all of you will be wanting copies of. I plan to only make comp cds with pretentious titles, from now on. Also, I've been kind of thinking about things in general, and I'm a little annoyed with myself.

On one hand, this is my fucking blog. I rant on it all the damn time. Except lately all I've talked about is "wah, grad school is hard. I went to disneyland for the thirtieth time today. the sunset over the ocean is rad. we don't have weather. i'm being burninated. my neighbors smoke chronic. i have to read a lot. i can't get enough high-end shopping and credit debt. i heart ikea to the point of absurdity." And that's about it. I feel like I'm in school and actually learning shit that's interesting for the first time in my life but it leaves me so cognitively spent that I can't formulate Hazen-esque posts anymore. I took the comment about stooping to the level of blogs that vomit up a synopsis of the day's activities on Shane's blog to heart not because he necessarily offended me, but because it rang too true and I like to categorize myself among the MOST pretentious bloggers; in that I think my random thoughts are important enough to be shared with all cyberspace, rather than my itinerary for the day....I guess they're both pretty fricking pretentious when you think about it...

Anyway. On one hand, it's my blog. It's my space to air whatever grievances I have with whomever I have them with. I should be able to say whatever I want, but I haven't been talking about anything lately and when I do rant, it's always about a certain abrasive someone which I immediately delete after a few hours only to feel dirty about having written and then deleted it. On the other hand, I feel like it's a passive-aggressive, snipey little attempt to say things I should really be saying in a nice concise email instead. Or bottling up inside of me because I lack the courage of my convictions when it comes to risking instigating unnecessary/undesired change. Heraclitus I am none.

I'm stuck in a really reminiscent mode these last few days. Random shit from years ago is popping mercilessly into my head at the strangest times. I miss you guys. Not because I'm way over here and don't get to see people on the weekends anymore, but because we're all so fucking busy that we never talk. And woo, I'm proud everyone's growing up and doing what they need to do to get by and get better, but I miss having everyone I know in the world living within two square miles. I miss carpooling to school in the morning. I miss sleepovers. I miss my skylights. I miss Cleo. I miss being able to walk from my house to Toni's, or to Dairy Queen. I was walking through a big parking lot at Disneyland tonight and it was empty except for like a dozen idling charter buses and I missed marching band (I am such a dork). I miss, not high school, god forbid, but all the shit we/I pulled and got away with. I miss writing notes and sleeping through entire classes. I miss passing Beau in the hallway and slapping hands with him. I miss the total irresponsibility of living in a house I didn't have to pay for, of staying up until 2am and going to school at 7, of sneaking out of my damn house every other night, of what a big deal it was to find out someone was fucking someone else, I miss the drama.

And things aren't exactly boring now, but I miss the constant, never-ending drama of those relationships we all had. I miss breaking into people's houses to steal liquor when we were 15, I miss skipping school to do other things.

It was just such a simple time.

And I talk to everyone now and no one seems totally happy. Not that we ever were in high school, and most of you probably think I'm crazy to miss it at all, but you have to admit we had a good time with a lousy situation. Now we're all doing things young people do to stand on their own two feet and it's just such a ratrace already. I see my friends hunting for jobs, worrying about money all the time, worrying about the future, scrambling to find someone to spend the rest of their life with, scrambling to find someone to sleep with in the meantime, scrambling to adjust to grad school, law school, reality. I still want us all to live in one big house and film my movie. I still want everyone I care about to live within two-square miles.

But then I kind of try to distance myself from the never-ending stressors I feel are present in my own life, and it's weird. It's like I'm always worrying about money, always terrified that JD won't get hired as a cop or anything else and we'll be back in Indiana in a month when my stipend stops paying the bills adequately, always worrying that school will get too hard and I'll get frustrated and quit to become a professional babysitter or something....but when I can hold it all away from me, it's fucking fabulous and I am wildly happy here. I love this school, I love this apartment, I love JD, I love that he and I are stressed out about money but it doesn't get that tense, and we can still make each other laugh. That would absolutely not be possible with any other person I have ever met. I love this area, I love that if I get bored Disneyland is 15 minutes away, the beach is even closer. I thought I would hate not having seasons but it is fucking glove-and-scarf weather tonight and I doubt I'll miss the slushy blizzards the way I assumed I would. I love looking forward to flying home, to having people (anyone who reads this is more than welcome to come visit) come stay with us....my major complaint with all of us is that we're all (me included) just going through the motions. And while high school felt like we were all just enduring it to get to something better at the time, I look back on it now, on all the fucking bullshit that happened, and it makes me smile.

Life is in the details, right? I'm really bad about losing sight of what's important when I'm stressed out, but it struck me yesterday that if I ever DON'T have the luxury of eating lunch in bed with JD while we make fun of Dr. Phil and he makes juvenile fart noises (JD, not Dr. Phil, though I wouldn't be too surprised), I would be supremely miserable for having lost that.

I think it's that I'm too sentimental in general, which probably has a couple of you rolling on the floor laughing to think. When I was little I cried a LOT, and I remember a few instances clearly of my father telling me to stop being a baby and stop crying, while mom would secretly reassure me that I was just "sensitive" and it was ok to cry. But since then, if I felt like crying I would fight it with every fiber of my being. Or cover it up with my trademark (yes it's registered and patent-pending as well) "caustic wit." Or just detach from the whole situation. And how much of everything I've done with my life since he died has been some desperate, half-baked attempt to make him proud of me post-hoc, like if I wasn't the violin prodigy doogie howser kid he wanted when he was around, I could somehow take my fucking resume (or now, I suppose, it'd have to be a vitae) to show him when I die and he'd be reticent-ly pleased with my as his daughter? It's creepy to think about. Like if I can get into Mensa now I can stop feeling like I disappointed him. Fuck, Jenny has the world's worst abandonment issues and I have some sort of overcompensating-for-never-being-good-enough complex that motivates every single action I take and requires me to burn bridges as soon as I sense a closeness fading to avoid the whole messy ending by choice rather than inevitability.

One of my classes deals with some superbly boring stuff, and I was kind of zoning out during the three-hour lecture yesterday, when suddenly the prof was talking about studies done with children who lose a parent at a relatively early age and what happens to them. And this has nothing to do with the course material. But research indicates that these kids are more creative, better adjusted, more ambitious, generally more emminent (however that is supposed to be meant) and have a better outlook on life. No one really knows why. Some kind of coping thing that forces the kids to learn how to deal with pink elephants early or something.

I could posit some fucking interpretations of that data. They all have fucking issues with loss. I would guess that this miraculous "coping ability" that emerges is really an overcompensation or abandonment issue. That all these over-achieving kids are doing so great because they have to be, because there's a little voice in their head telling them it's not good enough to be average.

Then again. Having death shoved in my face so much (there's a long list, ask my mom what family members of hers are left) made me supremely aware of the fleetingness of life. And you guys reading this have had to sit through a bunch of fucking Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald-Crane-ian diatribes about what I think about fate, and how I feel connected to a lot of you in a way that transcends the fact that I may have known you for a decade. I have real problems letting go of that. I have real, definite problems admiting that people I care intensely about have started sucking irrevocably. I hate change. I can't stand it when I'm close to someone and then I'm not. I can't stand being someone's acquaintance, and dammit if developmental psychology doesn't explain to me why I am the way I am, and why I have such a weird take on friends and acquaintances, and this whole fucking post has come out of the shit I read that unlocks the mysteries of the universe until I realize that I now whole-heartedly agree with something Raedy said last year about development being the closest thing to real science psychology could offer.

There's a reason we're all doing what we're doing. And I don't know how much of my life has to do with making up for things I feel responsible/guilty for and how much of it is that I'm compelled to do something with my life that contributes something in humanity's quest for ultimate truth. But I know I'm bursting with proud-ness for all of you, and I love those of you who have proven yourselves to be real friends more than I could ever express, especially on this fucking pretentious blog.

The tiniest things kill me. And the eternal optimism that everything works out how it should tries to fix it, but isn't enough all the time. I miss a lot of people. I miss qualities that once existed in particular relationships that I can't put into words well enough to not delete that will never be there again. I miss the past every time I think of it, but this day-to-day isn't something I would trade to have it back. Plus, I know I'll be looking back at this charmingly romantic struggling twenty-something college graduate time when no one knows where the grocery money or the minimum payment will come from with fondness once I reach the next stress threshhold, wherever and whenever that will be.

Blehck

I feel all the time like the world is ending, that life is too short to accomplish anything, that if I don't make a conscious effort to tell someone I love them every chance I get that they or I will die and for some reason they will never understand that I cared about them. I feel this ridiculous pull to resist the future because it's uncertain, and no matter where or when I am I would be content to curl up in a time-space-continuum-defying ball and stay there with everything just as it is when I can pinpoint "happy" forever. I would prefer stagnation to turning in circles and wearing out.

I know I sound crazy, and probably pitifully lonely, but I'm not. I'm not upset, I'm not sad. I'm not worried that relationships are failing. Mostly I'm distressed that life is flying by and I think everyone of us stopped noticing.

I love you guys. Lots.

My Name is Liz, I am The Needy, Whiny, Clingy, Annoying, Worthless Friend Who Feels Jilted Unless You Have Five-Hour-Long Phone Conversations with Me on a Bi-Weekly Basis

Oh my god I have no balls.

Important Pregnancy Update

This will explain everything.