I want to kill everyone

I am in such a bad mood, and it's the kind of bad mood that's been gradually increasing since last week, and that makes for one angry girl

Let me start with one roommate in particular, the only one whose neck I wish I could wring every waking second and the one whose passive aggressive lethargic childish BULLSHIT has driven me to the breaking point. I love him, I swear, but JEEZUM CROW ....see if you can guess who it is...it's a HE and it's NOT JD. Here's my laundry list I've been making in my head:

I. Annoying Things Done While In The Kitchen
A. While Involved With Dishes
1. putting the can opener in the dish pile each and every time it's used, although it can easily be rinsed off and returned to the drawer with NO CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER (we only have one good can opener, ok, and it's SO FUCKING ANNOYING to never be able to find it)
2. putting the spoon rest thing from the stove top (do you know what I'm talking about?) in the dishwasher each time an unclean utensil touches it, even though it could easily be rinsed off
3. "hand-washing" the dishes as early as possible on his assigned dish day which is not prohibited but is REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE, since then I have ALL his fucking still-dirty dishes to REWASH because they always have 90% of the original food particles clinging to them, PLUS my own dishes, which never ALL fit into the dishwasher
4. putting all the silverware in the basket in the diswasher pointy-end up
5. "covertly" throwing away the effective green scrubbies we have and replacing them with brightly colored, useless sponges and then pretending he has no idea what happened to them
B. While Involved in Preparing Food
1. makes enormous amounts of food that sit out, covered only by a loosely draped PAPER TOWEL for days on end
2. makes things that STINK of garlic every single day, as though garlic is the only spice in the whole world
3. inconsiderately refuses to rinse out any pots or pans he may have used in creating his smelly garlic masterpiece
II. Annoying Things Done While in The Common Areas of the House
A. Involving Television
1. sits three inches from the tv screen with volume barely audible and no lights on, refusing to turn it up or stop being so fucking strange
2. hogs remote control and refuses to change the channel from Ally Mc Beal or the food channel
3. religiously watches American Idol while racking up three hundred dollar phone bill
B. Involving Misuse of the Living Areas
1. prefers sitting in complete darkness and staring at the tv screen (it's off) to human contact
2. sat on the couch on the far side of the room reading OCD-fueling Dungeons and Dragons strategy books while JD and I quietly made breakfast one morning, and he SHUSHED us angrily when our chewing became too loud for him to tolerate
3. sat on the couch on the far side of the room re-reading the ending of a book he'd just reread eighteen times, shushed and whined at me to shut up angrily for asking why he was still reading the same page
III. Annoying Things While in the Bathroom
A. Problems with Flushing toilet
1. Claims to be "afraid" to flush toilet and thus feels it is not his responsibility, which makes for nasty surprises for me and the others (6 times thus far since Saturday this week)
2. Uses 43 sheets of toilet paper each time he goes anywhere near the bathroom, which makes for unsurprisingly clogged toilets that he doesn't even think about plunging and a constant shortage of supply
3. Unrepentantly refuses to change the roll of toilet paper, even though I am presently conducting a scientific experiment to determine how often he does this and how much t.p. he personally uses
B. While Generally in or About the Bathroom
1. showers two or three times daily, without fail
2. spends 45 minutes deciding which of his 17 designer fragrances he wishes to wear on that occasion
3. takes showers in total darkness, sometimes with one candle lit (i know this because I can see the light from it through the cracks in the door between my room)
4. prances, yes, prances around in just a towel held precariously closed for hours after getting out of the shower
IV. Miscellaneous Offenses
A. Money
1. whines about being out of money, then is overheard whining to his RICH ASS DAD that he only has $900 in his account and that won't be enough to get him through the next month, until the financial aid arrives (say WHAT?!?!? I have like 6 bucks to my name and I'm not whining, exactly, or at least I wouldn't fucking be if I had NINE HUNDRED)
2. whines that he wishes he wouldn't have had that unfortunate encounter with IUPD and the local hospital, or he could afford to buy himself a new computer, even though his dad damn well paid his hospital bill AND pays every thing else for him
3. buys $30 D&D nerd how-to books every time he gets near the bookstore, doesn't even play the games, just likes to read about them
4. is always ALWAYS FUCKING ALWAYS the last to pay his share of whatever bill is due
B. Laundry stuff
1. takes your stuff out, unfolded, and dumps it on a pile on the floor if he wants the dryer (we all fold his every goddamn time, i dont' think he's had to fold his own YET)
2. does laundry EVERY THREE DAYS and leaves it in there for six or seven days
3. does sixteen three-sock loads at a time, somehow not managing to get it finished within a lunar year of when it was begun
C. Locking the Door
1. locks the door in broad fucking daylight while he's sitting in the fucking living room (three inches from the tv in total darkness) and he knows people are coming home
2. locks the door behind him if you're sitting in the living room
3. locks the door when jd takes trash to the fucking dumpster
4. stands in the entranceway or kitchen, oblivious to the fact that the door was locked and your hands were full and he could have easily opened it for you
5. wakes up just to lock the door
6. comes downstairs when we're all sitting around and locks the door, then retreats upstairs
D. Inconsiderate Misc.
1. finally loses battle with compulsions and puts everything in living room at right angles, calls this "straightening", then bitchily informs me that since he cleaned the whole house i should vaccuum. i say no
2. sings in the shower at 2:30am when i am sleeping
3. does not listen or care to listen to any problems you care to share with him; turns around and asks for opinions on what he should do about inane "problems", like if he thinks his friends might be mad at him, should he find out or just not say anything


Yeah, that's about all for now. good god I am a bitch, but MAN that feels good to get out. Plus no one reads this, hahahahah. these things may all sound endearing, and they are, until you put a cranky, antisocial, haven't-left-my-room-in-three-weeks jerk with them, and then they're just hilarious

Something today caused the breaking point....oh yeah, it was when I said i needed to do laundry and he quickly ran downstairs to put another load of his stuff in there.

FUCK

Ho hum

I finished my huge ass research paper that's due tomorrow, yay for me, and by finished I mean I just have to type up the references and print it out. JD's on page 6 of 10 or something like that. I wish I could put things off and not freak out like he can.

We had club tonight, which was good but I would've liked to have had more time to free practice (belt test in T minus 7 days), but I guess that's what Thursday's for. I feel pretty ready, though, and that't the important thing

I found out today that our plane to DC leaves Wednesday morning at like 9:30 (good GAWD that means I have to be there early, which means I have to leave to go there at like 6:30) but even better, the one coming home leaves DC Sunday at 8:30, so I have to be there at 6:30 too. How the crap did Hanako manage to do that

So I'm starting to get nervous about the conference, and the fact that this huge paper is a piece of shit and I'll probably be expelled for plaigarism even though there are parts where I cite after EVERY SINGLE sentence, and it's nice that classes are wrapping up and if I can just hold my breath until it's all over I can relaaaaax, job free and uncommitted to anything, until fall semester.

I feel so busy.
Oh, and the weird dreams are back. A couple nights ago it was my dad/George Clooney (yes, the slash is the only right way to describe him...don't ask me why, but it's how I thought of them in the dream) chasing me around in various situations and I thought they were trying to kill me, and last night it was all of us at the skating rink but not skating, just hanging out on the rink and eating a picnic, and Keith announced his engagement....I wish I remembered more about both of those, but suffice it to say that I've been weirded out

Anyway, it's about time to go to sleep, I'll talk to those of you going to the J.E.W. concert Friday later on, I suppose, if we need to make plans. Have great remainder of your weeks if I don't talk to you soon

Oh yeah Stacey next time I call you, remind my dumb ass to dial 10 10 881 or whatever it is, we got the phone bill today and it HURTS the empty wallet, I can't be doing that shit anymore.
And I'll be in Eville this Saturday and early Sunday for mom and sis's birthday celebration since I'll be in DC for Jenny's actual 19th, so if anyone's going to be around lemme know

Other than that, I won't be seeing much of anyone until after the 11th. But then, blammo, I'm out of money and I'm going to come visit you all and mooch until the financial aid arrives

Yeah, time for sleep
Oh and btw I have some exciting news for anyone who might be a Mr. Show fan.

It's 8 and I feel like I have never been so bored in all my life. All fucking weekend I've been bored and just a little bit too warm for comfort, and without money to relieve my boredom, and no one but JD's been here, which is fine but we're doubly boring when we're both bored and we're together, it's like a comunicable disease with us, and today the highlight has seriously been watching King Ralph on USA like five hours ago.

I am SO bored. I have a huge paper to write that I could've easily had finished by now, considering how much time I've had to sit around this weekend, but I chose instead to sit and stare listlessly at the walls and ceilings of my house, half waiting for Old Navy to call (p.s. they didn't, how hilarious is that?) and hlaf waiting for magic money to fall into my hands.

I just finished a cleaning fit, wherein I got all my frustration and aggression about being cooped up in the house all weekend (I don't even want to drive anywhere because I'm THAT broke and I need to conserve my gas), and now I am wide awake. I wish I could go run but it's too damn hot, I just can't bring myself to exercise in 96 degree weather whatsoever.

JD's broke too, and we are so pathetic about it...I've never watched so much tv in this amount of time in all my life. And I hate tv, and I hate it more after this, but there's just nothing else to do. We're out of food, we're out of money and sleeping is too boring (plus I've slept entirely too much lately) and no one's around to talk to, and I seriously feel a little more than stir-crazy.

It's one thing to be bored and be totally by yourself...that I probably could've handled, I could've read a book or actually done my paper. But with someone else who's equally bored, it's like you have an obligation to sit around with them and be just as bored as they are, lest they resent you for having something interesting to do.

Shit, I am so unbelievably bored. The word "bored" is starting to sound ridiculous.....hahahahahah

So this week and next are sure to FLY by....huge paper and huge test tomorrow and jimmy eat worl on friday and mom's birthday and then the belt test and another test and BLAM it's off to DC

I imagine I'll miss the boringness in a couple days. Oh well.

So anyone who's sitting around bored tonight should fucking call me, PLEASE, I am pulling my hair out and if I even hear a tv I will have a breakdown

Anyway, i'm going to go try to make dinner out of two cans of peas and some tomato sauce. Hahahahahahahahah

Holy shit I am broke

Oh, what a great fucking day

So I go in to Old Navy and I just wanted to laugh through the whole stupid thing, they ask the LAMEST questions I've ever heard ("Would your friends describe you as a cheetah, a rabbit, or a turtle, and why?") and I almost told them to suck it and walked out regardless just because I know so many of you were hoping it would come to that, and I hate to disappoint. But it went "well" I guess, I sounded WAY less nervous and less retarded than the other 4 people there, the lady said they're hiring 7 this week and since there was another meeting Tuesday I'm guessing I have a good chance of getting it, but if they don't call tomorrow I can be pretty sure I didn't, so whoop dee doo. If not, I'll live. The people actually seem a little trashy anyway, so I don't know if my heart will break.

But then I came home and Mel and Chris D were still here and they and me and JD ordered a pizza and then we went to club, and we were there for almost four hours because we stayed after to work on stuff, and I feel actually pretty prepared for the belt testing, which is awesome as crap. Plus next week is mostly free practice, so there's no way I'll be as nervous as usual. Plus I'm excited to be a new belt color, that's almost the best part, ha

I made some cds last night and they're pretty kick ass. For now though, I'm gonna go finish watching the Big Lebowski with Raedy and JD and then stay up until 3 dicking around because I don't have reading group tomorrow (fucking awesome) and I'm going to sleep until noon. And then wait for the phone to ring. And then cry a little when it doesn't. Hahahahahahahah, NOT

Anyway, I had nothing of real value to say but I wanted to update you about the interview. Btw, I said you'd describe me as a cheetah because I set my sights on something and can be very focused. thanks guys.

Plus, I'm not turtley enough for the turtle club. Tur-tle, tur-tle

Somehow just talking to Stacey makes me feel like huge weights are lifted from my shoulders. She's so much better at listening (actually listening) than anyone else I know that I feel I can talk to about certain issues that may weigh more heavily on my mind from time to time, and she actually offers me solid advice instead of "mhmm"ing and thinking about other stuff. Thanks Stace, I have a game plan now and I feel a billion times better for that. We'll just have to see if I can follow through

Mike and Jenny left a little while ago, they came up to go cd shopping and we ended up dicking around at the mall and eating at Panera (have I mentioned how much I LOVE that place?) and finally back in my room so Jenny could instruct me on what to wear to my job interview tomorrow. She had one with Old Navy a few months ago, and now that she's told me what it's going to be like, I am severely dreading it. For example, I am going to have to find something in the store to sell to the manager, oh I'm sorry, psuedo-sell to the manager, to display my nonexistant salesperson techniques. Hell, I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves, so it should be no big deal.

So everyone think positive thoughts tomorrow afternoon

Our first pirahna death occurred today, and this is the stirring ofishuary that Ready wrote for him:

Scott "Rotface" Baio, the world-reknowned pirannha, died today at 12:54
pm. He was a member of St. John the Baptist Church and the Lions Club. He
is survived by his tankmates Mr. Belvedere and AC Slater. His funeral
consisted of a processional to "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and was buried
to the tune of "Taps". Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

And she's not kidding, she and Mel actually buried him iin the woods and sang slave songs while they did it. Ahh,, I fucking love life

So I have to write a huge paper this weekend, and after that but before the conference I have to pass the blue belt test, which I'm feeling rather prepared for, and then there's the CONFERENCE
Which, since it so impact smy future, I am scared of

I was talking to my mentor/advisor/sponsor for the thesis program, Dr. Linda Smith, and she basically made fun of me for picking only schools in the midwest, and then basically told me i need to apply to UC Santa Barbara (i think) because their social psych is awesome plus it's beautiful. We'll see.

I have $11 to my name until September, since I did some figures and allowed for all my bills and shit, and that means I NEED A JOB, and the only good news is that if I dont' get this thing tomorrow, I can probably find one before all the kids come back to school since suddenly EVERYONE is hiring. Whew.

I've been listening to old comp cds for the last few days, some in honor of finding them behind the stereo on the floor downstairs, and some in honor of my self-destructive mood that will just HAVE TO WAIT until I have time to be this way. I love comp cds. That's all I ever want from any of you for the rest of time. In fact, I love lyrics. I love that I can apply any/everything to my own life and revel in the meaningfulness of what the singer's saying, all without a second thought. I love feeling like everything is written for and about me
HA

Anyway, I have some self-destruction to draft a few more thousand times

So I'm in a fantabulous mood today, and I think it has ever so much to do with the fact that the storms last night cooled the shit out of the weather and now I don't absolutely hate everything and everyone in the whole of the world....

OK, things are great. Sometimes I have to shake my dumb ass out of mopey-feeling sorry for myself mode, but I swear to Dog it passes as quickly as it comes and it never lasts for very long. My euphoric moods, however, last infinitely...hahahaha, I am so unstable. I just need to keep reality around me and not go into super isolation thinking phase, where I torture myself with things that can't be helped now. It's just destructive, ok, so I won't be doing it anymore out loud


So I went and helped the higher-ups move the lab around this afternoon, and the new one is fucking sweet, and it's very nice and clean and spacious and it'll be fantastical

Chris D. is in the process of telling me about his recurring Duck Dreams, which are really freaky but oh-so-funny and you shoudl all go ask him about them....and it's real ducks, not rubber ones

So anyway, let's all hope the interview goes well thursday, since I called the bank tonight and WOO DILLY I am totally out of money...like, I won't be making it much past July and the money doesn't come until September. Fuck.

Anyway, I just wanted to apologize for being moody, and to say that tomorrow will kick ass, since Mike and Jenny are coming up to go cd shopping, and I have little to do except rack up the brownie points in the lab and prepare for that fast approaching (two weeks now!) blue belt test

So it's off to bed

Things are great once again. Today I woke up to Old Navy on the phone telling me to come in for an interview Thursday, which is awesome because I had given up on them ever calling, and I sure as shit need an income right now. Also, Raedy came home from the lab toting these three hideously retro pieces of cloth stretched on frames that are meant to be artwork that I called dibbs on in the lab if we weren't going to take them over to the new lab, so woo-hoo...I hung two of them in the living room and one above the stairs, you'll all have to see them.

So there's something not quite right with me, and I have a good idea of what it is, and although I can't explain WHY I sometimes get urges to do inappropriate things, I can say that they make me a little crazy. This time I'm fighting the maddening urge to write lengthy emails or letters to people who don't want to hear them, as per my ranting last week about doing something like that

I'm sure I'll sign off here shortly and go write several drafts of something that'll never be sent. I need some kind of catharsis, and this thing isn't so much doing it for me anymore, and if I don't get my mind off of it soon I fear I shall implode

I do feel very much like I'm going crazy. There's a whole set of behaviors that is off-limits to me at this point and I keep trying to think of ways to get past that and fix things that I've messed up, but I'm torn between being selfish and saying what I want to and the understanding that if it's too soon for me to be saying anything that I'll have effectively doubled the amount of time that has to pass before it WILL be ok, and I hope that doesn't make sense. It's so fucked up

I always get to this point in things and feel desperately that I should write a blanket statement proclaiming my innocence of the charges and saying that I've changed, I've gotten better, I've fixed my head enough to not behave the same, but it's all bullshit. I know it and I wish I could make it real, but I'm to the point where I'll say just about anything to smooth over this and start over. I've been at this point before and I handled it badly then, so maybe I should let it blow over and not try any fancy anything...it's just so frustrating

So anyway, my weekend was fantastical, thanks, I had lots of fun with everyone and already got my pictures developed, which meant another huge photo project that encompasses my entire door this time (I'm regressing to deal with my stress)...I like weddings I guess

Anyway, I'm going to go write those therapeutic letters now and then burn them, hahahahahahahaha

So I talked to Stacey a little while ago and I feel as though an enormous weight is lifted off my shoulders, and the overwhelming relief I feel from having dumped all the bullshit in my head out on her is indescribable. Thank you a billion times, Stace Face, I love you

Whew, so maybe now the vague rantings about things I refuse to explain will stop. I think they might

I need to go read an article for reading group tomorrow morning, pack to go home, finish my laundry, work on my photo project for my cousin (just so you know, Evan, I haven't forgotten:), take a shower, sleep, etc
See most of you this weekend at the wedding.

P.S. Wear your dancing shoes

It's the smallest things that absolutely zap my strength, I swear

I don't think I've ever had as many surprisingly productive conversations I didn't expect to have as I did yesterday. Jenny appeared at my doorstep on her way home from Michigan (it seems like an omen) and we had a chat about mom and what's going on with her (in general, not like what she did today) and about her family and things I didn't know about, like the fact that there was a year when in the spring, her sister was diagnosed with colon cancer, in the summer, her brother was, and in the fall my dad was. I never knew it was that fast. It blows my mind. And then the falling out with her own mother, which I finally understand and agree with enough to feel more justified in my personal dislike of that entire side of the family, which left her utterly alone with two young children. Worse, two adolescent girls.

I think sometimes about how different things would be and would have been if my dad could be here, and I still can't think about it in any depth without crying my fool eyes out, but nothing would have been like this. Nothing at all. I remember a time when, instead of informing mom about my plans to do this or that, I asked permission. I can barely remember it, but it's definitely there. all in all, Jenny and I are both intact and happy, and even if we lug around loose ends and undealt-with issues, I think we turned out as well as could be expected with our circumstances.
It just blows my mind sometimes. there's so much I don't know/understand about my family and I'm running out of potential people to explain it to me, and suddenly it's important to me to know the little things.

Do you ever reflect on something gone particularly bad and wish you could find a way to say the things you wanted to say? I'm sure we all have, but maybe I just like to torture myself with shit like that to feel extra bad.
There's so much crap and so many people, but I know I could narrow it down to one if I had to. Closure is a fucking joke, I'm finding more and more, and apparently the whole professional community laughs at my childish notions of the way relationships "should" end (with closure) and I suppose I can't really define it very well in my own head either, but it seems like I delight in leaving things painfully unfinished, like walking away mid-argument knowing I'll never get to finish it. I don't think I set out to destroy these things on purpose, I think I just don't know how else to deal with it. Is it because I (and who ever really does, anyway?) didn't get to say all the things I wish i would have to my dad? Is it because this paragon of a father left at the most vulnerable time and I've just struggled with boys since then? I can't complain, I'm happy now and wouldn't trade JD or this relationship for anyone or anything in the world, but I wish it made more sense. It's probably so obvious to everyone else. I just wish I could get my mind around it, I'm still reeling from that first thing you said kind of thing

I wish I had a better history of dealing with things, is what I'm getting at. If anything bothers me about how I "turned out" from all this bullshit, it's that. It's how I think about Beau, or Nick, or Mike, or Keith now and I feel infinitely small. I feel like I couldn't have possibly handled those things worse had i been trying to, and now there's nothing to say. Nothing needs to be said, I'm the only one stewing around in memories feeling sorry for myself about it, and to make any attempt at discussing it now seems laughably inappropriate. there comes a point in these friendships I have where I start to panic that they'll not work out, and so of course I start making sure they don't, and voila, they fall to pieces.

And by the time I realize this (it's been over 5 years in some cases) it's way too fucking late, and I'm left to sit and smack my head with my fist. I wish I'd been a big enough person to not hurt the people I have hurt by doing this, and I know in some cases it was much more complicated than this one trait of mine, but it's still something I feel responsible for and

fucking shit I'm ranting again

So there's a better place for moods like this, and I guess the absolute best place would be in a journal, but since I feel like typing, I suppose that anyone who's relevant enough to figure out where I might be putting the more private thoughts could feel entitled to them

Yeah how's that last bit for vague

I'm still soaking wet, Raedy and Mel and I had a water fight, aahahah ahhah hahah

It was a nice relaxing weekend but now I'm right back in the midst of things I wish I could put off another few days, or weeks...

I went birthday shopping for mom and lil sis and found a couple neat things for them both, and I have a good idea of what I'll get them to round it out, and I feel good about the ideas I have. I wish I had more money to waste on them and "things" that don't really mean anything in the long run, but i do so like to shower people with crap on special events.

And somehow, ridiculously, I have fallen in love with Apple's pseudo-new toy, the iPod, which is several hundred dollars and is an amazingly huge mp3 player/palm pilot for mac, neither of which I need but both of which I suddenly want really bad, and it's just ridiculous, I know
And besides, all I want for Xmas is funding for my Las Vegas Encounter
I have too much stuff as is

So today was awesome, I was pissed off to be at the lab bright and early this morning to run an experiment, but as I was waiting outside this car that was exactly like mine pulls up and parks in our lot, and this familiar looking couple gets out. I realize quickly that it's Mike, my methods teacher from a few semesters ago, who has since gotten his PhD and taken a professor job at a college in Pennsylvania. To my shock he recognized me and was thrilled to pieces to hear that I'm working in a lab for Linda and blah and blah and I mentioned that I've started thinking about grad school and it's freaking me out badly and he actually reassured me by pointing out that I'll have "stellar" letters of recommendation, tons of research experience, a thesis, and publications to boot, all of which will get me into the serious consideration pile for any place I want to go, plus I'll have the grades and test scores (we hope) to make it easy on myself.

Raedy and I already have plans to live together if we both get in someplace in chicago, although at this point I'm not sure how realistic that is since my top three are Michigan, IU, and Illinois, but it would be rad. Anyway, Mike actually gushed about how I was the best student in that class and when I laughed he insisted that he was serious, yada yada, and basically made me feel mucho better about the future. And then he gave me his email and told me to write with any concerns I had, which I will definitely be doing pronto, like right after this fucking stressful conference, but that was the highlight of my day

I wish I could stop freaking out about the next couple years, I wish to crap I could, but for some reason I just seem to be getting more and more worried...about my thesis and the fucking stress of taking standardized subject tests, and money, and getting a black belt, and being a good person

HA

Time to learn some relaxation techniques
Anyway, I want to talk some more about some vague things I keep bringing up and vaguing around about, because it makes me happy to do so.

It's such a scary time right now because with one false step the whole thing might crumble into pieces, but not if the people involved are better people than the vast majority of us, at least about this stuff. It's not to be taken lightly when a friendship changes into something different (better? possibly) because there's so much risk involved, but I'm tired of naysaying and I want to let go of all the shit I carry around because of my experiences with similar situations and just be happy for them. It's wonderful, it's hard to imagine this ending badly for anyone, and I'm thrilled to pieces that someone (although I must admit I'm floored that it was her) got up the balls to say something to the other about it.

I feel like I shoudl shut my mouth

Friendship is such a wonderful thing, and I've always taken my very closest ones so much for granted, and usually that causes immense problems. I worry that I've learned that lesson so many times over now that I won't let myself have to learn it again, if that makes sense. I am scared to death to be very close to anyone these days, and I'm starting to understand that about myself. Maybe I'm scared to death of everything all the time and me thinking it's just now is absurd. Whatever, I just feel like I should stop warning people about things not to do or ways not to fuck up that will never be applicable because I'M the only one who does that bullshit and they won't have to worry. I feel like all I can do is jump to say "now, be careful, this part's tricky" when they should just be left alone to figure it out themselves, and my tongue's sore from the incessant biting.

Anyway, I've thrown away too many good friendships to even know what to say about this whole thing. I don't think I have had a single successful one (at least with boys) in my whole life. They seem to be more frequent and come easier than with the girls but you'll notice they're so much more fleeting. Maybe it's because I get into them for the wrong reasons in the first place, or maybe it's because I'm too selfish to actually function in a true friendship. I regret all the dumb things I've done to mess up these friendships, all the idiotic fights I started and immature things I said, but I'm also happy with the way things have turned out in most cases. Eventually people stop hating whatever it was about me that pushed them away in the first place, and we move on like normal acquaintances should without ever spekaing of anything important again.
I HATE this more thatn anything in the world, I hate that I'm like this and I hate that I STILL haven't figured out how to properly deal with it. I feel like a spoiled child when I sit and do serious reflection on all the friendships I have personally, sometimes single-handedly fucked up. I've been really introspective today, and I didn't intend to write this at all, or for this to turn from some "awww that's so cute" mooshy girly post into "things I dislike about myself that have nothing to do with two friends I have who recently made a decision about the direction their relationship was going" .... i still haven't figured it out, and I guess it'll take me another 4 months to begin making progress, but
FUCK

I'm in this class called Child Abuse and Neglect, and I thought it would be lame, but it's actually one of the most interestingly practical classes I have ever taken. It's taught by a family/marriage therapist and basically I feel now like I am perfectly competent to raise children because I know what to do and what not to do. But anyway, we started talking about sexual abuse today, and the whole time we've talked about abuse period and how it fucks a whole family up, and i started applying things I know that I didn't to people in my life and people I know and it blows my mind how much more SENSE everything makes to me about these complex individuals that I never would have imagined understanding before.

this is unrelated, i know, but I had to stop my rant before it all came pouring out, and there are better places for something like that to happen

Anyway
It's time to go run. A looooooong run, I think

So blogger is being a monkeyfeather and not posting the things I write/changes I make on here, and it's really irritating.

But oh well.

I'm doing an ok job of not spending any money this weekend, I've barely left the house except to go to the Indian buffet with JD and Chris yesterday and then to rent movies and to Wal-Mart:) hahahahah, I know, i know

speaking of food, I'm starving, but I have to go do something exercisey first

Raedy and I have been practicing taking the GRE (on Mel's computer) all day today and then laughing at ourselves as we score at the FIFTIETH percentile on important areas...hahahaha, she's retaking one right now and I think we'll make flashcards to drive ourselves crazy later tonight.
I've been doing that obsessivey-grad school freak out thing again today, complete with panicking because I will not get in anywhere and will have to get a REAL job in the real world and it will SUCK

I've since calmed down a little, though

I received a note today instructing me not to write any gushy, girly emails to any certain boys I know about how cute I think certain behaviors of theirs are under penalty of having something bad done to my face, so i guess making vague references about how cute and adorable I think these things and happenings are on my blog is entirely ok, right? great.

PS to anyone going to "the wedding" next weekend:
JD's parents are off to Florida (popular place this month) as of Friday and have given us permission to have a raging post-wedding drunkfest while they're away, so if anyone coming into town (I suppose this applies primarily to my roommates) needs a place to stay, let me know, it will be of no problem

So more cutesy gushing vague references?
I think I should probably wait to consult with the other person(s) involved in the whole debacle before I drop too many hints. Those of you (Stacey) reading this already know what's going on anyway, so why embellish it further without permission. I promise, girly gushy emails will be on their way early next week, I would guess. teeheeheeheh eheheh eheheh

If my sister is reading this, a note: I have the Jimmy Eat World tix I promised you for your birthday and I wasn't sure if you'd be happier taking someone else or going with me, so if you want them all for yourself that's fine but please let me know...also....Raedy and I might be going up to chicago not this next weekend but the one after that but before the JEW concert to scope out grad schools we may or may not decide to apply to, if you get my drift, so if you'd want to go up and see gram again let me know that too. Also, what are you getting mom for her birthday? I'm almost entirely out of money, so we should think of something GOOD

Isn't it great when something you've been rolling your eyes and hitting things about because it's not happening for years and you wait HALF YOUR LIFE for people to get their heads out of their own asses and take action about actually happens and you already knew KNEW beyond a shadow of a doubt how it would "go down" and you'd gigglily (word?) played the scenario over and over in your head for years (YEARS) expecting it to happen sooner but HELL better late than never, I always say, and this just happens to restore my faith in friendships that become something else (which has been dead and lost for a long, long time now) because I KNOW this one time is the only time this crap is perfectly situated to work out well (Brilliantly, even) and with nothing bad attached, how could there be anything negative in this at all? I do this in lieu of writing my "typical girly emails" that I don't even know I write (you out there pointing fingers tell me the most recent "girly" email I've written you...or even name just one) because it's more fun and this way we can all share in my bubbly effervesence.

Yeah, speaking of emails, I went through a couple old-ass folders of email I had stuck in my school account and threw out all the bullshit and old shit and stupid shit and basically just got rid of everything I didn't find relevant to my present-day world, and it felt great. That's going on my list of super stress busters.
Also, I was thinking about listing my favorite things. It might be a long list, but I keep getting all weird and "ooohhh, ahhhh ey" about little things that I want to share with you, the people out there threatening to do things to my face (ha "do things to this") if I don't slap the idiotic grin off my face

I think it's time to go running

Sorry I've been so scarce lately, I must admit I've been busy but boring as usual.

Lots of lab stuff going on, I know it's not interesting for anyone else, but now that my study's almost up and running, expect me to come by and see you guys and make you do it...it's not too hard, and you can have a gift like a book or t-shirt that says IU Psychology if you do it. Or a nice stuffed animal.

I'm totally out of money, so I keep spending like I have endless amounts...it's scary. i think i'm almost out of stuff I could possibly want to buy, though, so that's good. Plus I can scare myself into stopping by realizing that grad school applications are going to be about 60 bucks a pop including transcripts, and I want to apply to several. Oh, and there's testing fees and shit like that, and Las Vegas...we really need to find a nice free hotel room there, I think that would cut down on my stress level a lot. Or free flights, or hell, both.

I keep getting overwhelmed with how happy I am and how content and then how perfect everything is. I don't have anything to complain about (except for certain things and upsetting people and other shit that JD just takes the brunt of so that by the time I sit down here, fuming, intending to peck out a scathing rendition of whatever's bunched my panties all I can type is that I'm boring) and it seems like everything's going to fall perfectly into place

Damn, what a weird ass feeling

The highlight of my day thusly far has been listening to Hanako mispronounce (and then laugh about it) words like "simultaneously", "parallel", "perpindicular", and "readily"

ha, I love hanako

she also said "billy hilly", meaning hill billie

So who's coming to visit this weekend?

So I just woke up from a dream in which Miguel from Passions, a girl who looked like Charity but wasn't, and I were all slated to perform in a version of Disney's Poccahontas for some townspeople, and Ursula the sea witch from the Little Mermaid was our tormentor/director in this. I was, of course, Poccahontas, and during rehearsals I became jealous of the obvious attraction between Miguel and Non-Charity, but there was nothing I could do about it, and I discovered that in this dream I had a lovely singing voice, even though I was trying to learn the whole show the day before it opened. I can't remember details, but Ursula was a bitch and kept trying to kill/maim those of us in the play, and Miguel is a bitch too.

I'm watching JD play Smackdown, which isn't really surprising because it's a day that ends in Y AND he's awake, so what else would he be doing, right? No, not go to class, that would be BORING

I looked more closely at potential grad schools and I think I narrowed it down to six where I'll think seriously about applying. If anyone knows anything good or bad about U. Michigan at Ann Arbor, U. Wisconsin at Madison, U. of Illinois at Champaign Urbana, Northwestern, U. of Chicago, or IUB, let me know. I think Michigan's going to quickly become my dream school that I'll surely be rejected from, so let's all get ready for THAT, hahahahahahahaha

I don't want to take the GRE, it's insanely hard (for me) and I can't bring myself to study well for it. Plus there's so much other crap going on in the lab and in my class and I'm BUSY, dammit, and I just don't HAVE an hour a night to cram for some test I haven't even figured out when to take. Sigh

I'm tired of the frantic pace everything is moving in the lab for me and Raedy because of this conference we're going to in August. Everything has to be done, and perfectly, and it's just not working that way. People keep not showing up for the experiments and that totally fucks us over plus wastes our time and I know we're both super annoyed by it, and Hanako thinks it's reasonable to add and code 30 some people in the next couple weeks even though we're moving our lab across campus and have to shut down for most of that time...it's just ridiculous. Sigh

Oh, and I've been cramping worse than I ever have before, which sucks, and although I think it's over it sucked really bad yesterday. Just wanted to mention that, hahahahaha, I love talking about menstruation, hahahaha

Anyway, time to shake the sleep off me

This weekend Chris (roommate) and JD and I went home because it's easier to drive to Holiday World at 9:30 in the morning from Eville than from here, and we had a lovely boring time. I feel bad that someone else had to see how boring JD and I and my family can actually be, but at the same time, it was really nice to be home even for a couple of days and I love seeing my mom...so we did some normal Eville things, got bored, went to the mall, ate at Lucky Dragon (YEAH), spent money, and played with babies.

Yeah, good old Eville. Oh yeah we went to the fireworks Thursday, THAT was ok enough, except for the people. I am really starting to think that I don't like anyone at all. Or maybe it's just the ho-clothed hootchie pre-teens who didn't fit into their tight-ass clothes and self-consciously crossed and uncrossed their arms in front of their chests, making me want to yell that if they're not comfortable wearing something like that, they shouldn't wear something like that.

So then yesterday we went to Holiday World, which is always kind of boring for me since I am a big big wuss and will not go on coasters, but we spent most of the day in the water park, so it was never an issue. I love waterslides and water parks SO much:) I don't even mind the foggy, pee water in the wave pool. We amused ourselves to no end by sitting on the ground in the shallow end and trying in vain to resist movement when the waves crashed over us. It was hilarious and I have scrapes all over my ass now, but so worth it. The zoombabwe, their new "water coaster", is also somewhat cool, being surprisingly long and entirely dark, but my favorite thing was Chris (roommate again) screaming like a little girl in my ear on one of the smaller waterslides. Heh ehehe heheh, the rumors are true about him and screaming like a girl.

So we're all burned, JD and I came back to school last night because he had to work this morning, everyone else is here now....today has been especially boring, I slept a lot and watched a Real World marathon and went to La Charreada and Target and then went running (I've been going by myself at night more and more now, and I think that's a bad, arrogant habit for me to get into, but at the same time a little part of me wants to start a fight), and then took a shower and now JD and I are bad-assifying my Superstar wrestler character (Fang, but you can also call her Nightmare) so we can be up all night playing that.

yeah, like I said, nothing's happening
I haven't dreamt since that last cool one

So it feels like I've been dreaming this for days on end:

I fell asleep and found myself, with an assortment of you guys, in Disneyworld (sort of), with a couple rides and things that made me realize they were sort of Disney. At some point, I stumbled upon a video called something misleading like "Muppet Family Disney Christmas" or something, and since we were in a part of the store where things were free to borrow, I took this video. I thought it might be fun for us all to watch that night.

So I put the video in and realize it's more of a virtual reality thing than a video, and it's really "the Disney Game" which I have never heard of but slowly start figuring out the rules of. In short, it's an enormous interactive virtual reality game that spans all of history and most of America (I think, so far, I've only been to America in it). It's not traditional virtual reality (VR for now) in the sense that you hook yourself up to an outfit and computer and whatever, but that you're actually there interacting with these people and places BUT they're Disney's latest and greatest animatronic actors and animals, so you can't really tell the difference between them and real people.

At first the game goes slowly because a lot of us are still together and no one has any idea how long it will last. We're in a village in the Ohio River circa 1790's, and we're all spreading slowly out to investigate different things because the game is REALLY well made and really cool. As time goes by, I move through several buildings, going into different rooms and moving things around, looking for "clues" for something I'm not quite sure of. Everything is very Victorian-looking, the staircases are super-narrow and decorations are basic. Most places we go don't even have people to interact with, which is fine, because it seems easier to gather information without them fussing about our disturbing their things.

After awhile, I have lost the rest of my group somewhat unintentionally and am several buildings further down the town than they are. I'm starting to understand that there's a point to this game, although I can't quite grasp it. Suddenly I run into Eika, a guy from hapkido, and he looks a little different than I'm used to. He has braided yarn into his forearms in colorful patterns for some reason, and his longish hair fits in perfectly with the setting. He asks if I want to go around with him for awhile, so I say sure, and as soon as I do there are lots of people we run into. Townspeople marvel over his weird forearms and keep speculating about why he's done something like that to himself. I vaguely remember him teaching me something useful about fighting, but I can't remember what.

Time passes, and I become sure that he is the only real person I have seen since I left my group. Eventually he tells me he has to go, after we participate in a big town ceremony involving Tom Sawyer and presents for Eika. People give him a tea set, a dog, and a chunk of cheese, and he seems really pleased with that. I'm pretty surprised to see Tom Sawyer, of course, but it seems that we're in whatever little town he grew up in.
After this meeting/present ceremony, Eika abruptly tells me he's leaving, so I don't see him again.

I keep going on my own, travelling through lots of buildings and rooms, marveling at how realistic they all look. I get tired at one point and check the back of the video box to see how long the "video" is supposed to last. Running time: 900 hours.
Damn!

SO I go back to the simulation in time to see this small, dark-haired girl come running out of the woods, terrified. She sees me, sees the Ohio River behind me, and looks relieved. Without talking to her I know that she's Becky from the Tom Sawyer stories, and that she's come all the way to Evansville from Louisville to find Tom but she was really upset about losing the river along the way. She knows I know this about her, and she tears toward the river, not caring that the steep bank along which the town is built will be impossible to climb back up if she slips over the edge. She ignores my warning and, I guess really wanting to touch the river (this is back before it's so polluted), she clambors down the bank and I don't see her again.

I move on, I'm soon in a different time and it becomes clear that I'm working with my roommate Chris to accomplish something. It's modern-day, and we're only together for a few moments to figure out our gameplan...we both know that one of us will be corrupted into something bad (like a gang or a white supremacist group) but we don't know who and we don't know how we'll have to save them...So he disappears and I stay in the same basic place, and I'm exploring this house and find what is clearly supposed to be Chris' room, and I go through the stacks of papers and writings for clues since by now I'm a little more hip to what's supposed to be happening, and I find a note from me to him, signed with my name, that i haven't written. I read it and it doesn't make much sense but immediately I am concerned that Chris has other things from me that I didn't write that he thinks I did and believes.

I look around some more and find little else, so I go to the next house. This whole area of the game is rich people, and everything's decorated very poshly. This next house is a mansion, and I go into one room upstairs and decide it's a teenage boy's. There are a lot of suicide warning signs around, and I find some mroe notes from "me." I explore the house further, since no one seems to be home, and I open the door into a teenage girl's room. The closets are packed with ho clothes, and everything seems normal in the room except for a huge cardboard bix full of machine guns on the floor. I hear noise and hide in one of the closets as the girl and a friend come in and sit down on the bed. They see me, begin to shoot at me, so I run out of the room covering my head and slide down the fancy banister on the stairs.

Down in the living room, I find the dad's study and go through the desk. Clearly, Ed Norton lives in this house, and chris is the one who's in trouble. I start to understand that he won't believe that I want to help him because of all the fake notes from me I've been finding. I'm not quite sure what the point of this mission is, but I have to keep looking for him.

I go to more buildings and start to drift in and out of consciousness, eventually waking up and becoming unable to sleep anymore. This has been one of the coolest dreams thus far...the scenes and settings were all extremely real but infused with Disney magicalness so they look almost TOO real, and I really hope I can get back to that dream again. It was awesome.

I am so fucking freaked out. It's 6:30 and I haven't been up this early on purpose since high school, but here I am. I just slept a restless 4 hours and had a nasty little nightmare, and most of me doesn't want to go back to sleep in case I go back to it.

In this dream, JD and I were staying in this cute little summer house that I assumed was in Maine but now am not sure of...anyway, we were staying in there and I had thought there were an awful lot of closets in the place, but liked it well enough. So as we're staying there we find out that there was a crazy guy in the town a few years back who had kidnapped and killed a bunch of kids but who had never been caught.
Then the report goes into great detail about how a scary guy had kidnapped two sisters from the house we were in because he'd thought they were really pretty, and that he'd tortured and killed them in a shed on the house's property, ten feet from the front door. Also, he'd made use of a closet that opened into the bathroom to sneak into and out of the house, and also some how to get pictures of the girls.

So I am freaked out by this and JD and I decide to pack our stuff up and go, so I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth so we can leave when OF COURSE the little closet door flies open and a knife-wielding psycho comes rushing at me. I scream and run out of the bathroom toward JD and actually find myself going over my knife defenses in my head even though I know that this guy's too big and crazy for me to stop him from cutting me

I wake up about 20 minutes ago and have been going over my knife defenses since. There's no hope of getting back to sleep, I went to pee a few minutes ago and actually assumed that there was someone with a knife waiting to kill me in the hallway.

I don't know what this is....am I watching too much Smackdown! Just Bring It combined with James Bond, or is my subconscious trying to tell me that I need to work on my knife defenses/limb destructions, or am I seriously in danger, or do I just need to catch up on my sleep deprivation so my body decided this was the best time to wake up and it's just too bad that I want to sleep until noon? One of my shoulders hurts too bad to sleep on that side, and it's hot in here and too bright now that the sun's up, so there's just no chance of falling back asleep.


I guess I'll find plenty of hours in this day.