I was gonna call it "Misoneism, or, you don't have to read this for it to serve as my closure"

I've been a busy girl. It's not even 3:30, my mom's awake and yes, pissed at me again for being up this late (yesterday it was 6am...I really should get to bed soon if I wanna try to fix this silly pattern). I'm going to have to make another list so I can do this as concisely as possible.

* Usually I don't make resolutions, but this year I have a whole pile of them.I would share them, but doesn't that seem to undermine the whole idea? I stick to guns better when people don't know about them.

* JD and I went to visit Dave Walsh last night after driving around and deciding to go see if he was working, which he was, and the night audit, which he no longer works, so we sat around with him until he gave us a hotel room and liquored us up and sent us off to do it for a few hours while he watched "State and Main" and I came crawling home just in time for my mom to scold me for being up so late.

*IMPORTANT:
Tomorrow we are going to "rally the troops" sometime in the afternoon to get our New Year's stuff together. It looks like we might end up at Jeremy's house, cookng and drinking and enjoying each other's company, but before that we have to go see a movie, any movie, because my mom has free passes that include concessions. Hmm. So keep your phones turned on for me to be calling your asses.

* I finished a letter today that I had decided to send. I folded it, addressed the envelope, even put a stamp on it, but I'm not going to send it after all. Keith's not going to read it anyway, so what's the point. It's time to let it go. This way I have everything I wanted to say to him all neatly organized, in the event of my untimely death or natural disaster (provided, of course, that the natural disaster doesn't destroy the letter--wouldn't that suck?). I don't know what made me change my mind. (Sanity? Reason?) There's something nice about knowing I got absolutely everything out with the intention of him reading it, and that it doesn't matter that he'll never read it...I know what it says, and it was for me anyway. So, for those of you who've had to listen to my whining and bitching and boo-hooing about this whole sorry mess, I am grateful. And sorry. And I am pretty sure it's been talked to death enough to have purged it from my system. We all know I would do anything I could to fix it, but since there's nothing I can do, I'm letting it go.

*Before I open that can of disgusting, slime-dripping nightcrawlers, I think I am going to bed. Sweet dreams. See ya'll tomorrow.

PORN PORN PORN
SMUT SMUT SMUT

All fucking day today, it seems. I bought a grab bag at Priscilla's. Well worth the 20 bucks. Included were: solid gold vibrator (seven inches!! reads the package), dental dam, fake slutty tattoos, a "sexy" razor (soon to be my Xmas present to Ash), naughty conversation hearts, and a vial of lube that Evan swore to Stacey is "liquid gold." Adding up to something like 35 bucks worth of stuff. Stacey and Toni and I are planning to return tomorrow so they can both get one.

Also, I came home to find this anonymous quote on my mom's screen saver. I like it. Very much. And I need to go to bed.

"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about this if we can honestly say that we would right them if we could."

I'm thisclose to not being sick anymore. That good news aside, I have been supressing a rant on here for far too long. However, I can't pick just one thing to focus on, as so many things have been irritating me recently. Instead, here's a fucking list:

Things that Piss Me Off That I Myself Have Been Doing:

* Getting continually, exponentially dumber since last year this time
* Staying awake until 4am
* Sleeping until early afternoon, dreaming lots but forgetting all of it
* Talking something to death, feeling better, talking same thing to death again two seconds later, feeling better, repeating ad nauseum
* Actually feeling guilty when my walking, talking eating disorder of an immediate family comments on either my seeming ability to drop "sixty pounds in a weekend" or my faux-ass nonsense bout with vegetarianism that is clearly a "weight-loss tactic"
* Wanting to punch someone I generally like in the face for implying recently that I was puking in the bathroom
* Let's get a few things straight, instead of me exploding in a few days: I have a healthy body image. I do not think I am fat. My family are the only ones who have ever thought I was "fat" or at least, are the only ones who have ever implied it to me. I do not wish to be the same size as either my mom or sister, I find it unsettling and unhealthy. My weight fluctuates predictably with my amount of exercise. More means I lose weight, less means I pack it back on. I understand this and do not obsess about it. I do not like red meat. I do not especially like any other kind of meat. I feel that a non-meat diet is best for me, at least at this point in my life. Other than that, I do not need to explain myslef eight thousand times to anyone whom I have already explained my reasons to. I do not care if you think they make sense or not. I am not asking YOU to adopt any of these habits, so back the fuck off. I do not weigh myself-ever. I do not care what I weigh. I believe, given the rampant risk of all sorts of cancers in my genetically disadvantaged family, that anything and everything I can do (not smoking, not eating shit, not drinking myself retarded, not skipping gyno appointments, not shying away from whatever test my mom thinks is necessary) to save myself a proverbial "world of hurt" later in life is a good idea.

* Obsessing about things I cannot change and should not fantasize about fixing.
*Wanting badly to visit Hammerhead's just to see how much walk there is in Erik's talk about "kicking JD's ass the next time he sees him"
* Being sick
*Lying on the "which muppet are you" test we all took a long ass time ago because I didn't want to be Fozzie like everyone else, which is what I actually got.(I said Kermit)
* Knowing things I wish I didn't, finding out that all my mean-spirited predictions about a certain person have not only come true, they've exceeded all my worst expectations.
* Being eternally optimistic about unreasonable things.
* Saying too much
* Not saying enough to a couple people who really deserved an explanation from me, about some things I wish I'd handled differently
* Feeling like I'm suffocating in Evansville
*Wishing I still lived in that house in Newburgh, with my cat Cleo, and my own room, and all the memories of my father
* Kicking myself for not yet having learned whatever lesson comes from losing people I care about repeatedly, violently, disappointingly, and knowing that this means I'll have to do it at least once more
* Writing things and tearing them up, deleting them, and otherwise preventing myself from making any real progress
*Realizing that closure is, unfortunately, a myth that no one ever gets


Things Other People Have Been Doing That Piss Me Off:


* Making me feel bad about myself (this can be blamed on one specific person who seems to be the root of all my unhappiness almost exclusively when I am in Evansville.)
* Writing poetry about things that don't need poetry written about them
* Being mad at me for eight months for something I didn't even know I was supposed to (or even allowed to) do that thusly didn't get done.
* Telling horror stories about people getting too drunk and then "talking"
* Pointing out what a bitch I am. And again. And Again. Yes, thank you, we're all quite aware.
* People thinking that for some reason or another, I am required to like them. Nope. No one EVER has to like anyone else.


Things That Have Helped:

* My mom
* My ridiculous optimism
* THe realization that closure is something I can find by myself, and that I don't need someone else to give it to me.
* Briefly, the fact that I predicted some of the worst of this months ago. It's nice to feel validated
* A sudden belief in responsibility, which has led me to accept a lot of the shit in my life I'd like to blame on other people. Also, it's helped me get enough distance to see this mess clearly.
* Knowing that I can write for hours and never send it.
* Stacey
*JD ( my fucking rock)


I'm actually tired.

So last night at IHOP, me and Ashleigh and Stacey and Toni made the tentative guest list for the impending New Year's (note the holiday change to give us more time) Party. Find yourself on it and then RSVP to one of us, please.

Ahem:
Ashleigh, Stacey, Liz, Toni, JD, Kyle, Jeremy, Dustin, Shane, Melissa, Chris, Nick, Amy, Janel, Aaron, Sk8er Boi, TCBY Girl, Ruth Hartke, Mr. Siebe, Our waiter, AKA "Biscuit," Jonathon from NKOTB, Legolas, Avril Levigne, Marci Campagna, Mrs. Cerling, Cathy Labhart, Mr. Gosh Flanders, Thundar the Barbarian, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Petey Pablo, Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence and Tisha Campbell, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Dewey, Ryan Bernhardt ("lestat"), Katie Cassaro, Billy "no limit" Weingarten, Fox Crane, the Gemini Twins, LUDA, Missy, Dr. Phil, Jimmy Fallopian, Toni's friend Mike, Guy with arm sling with neato car bumpin' Rod Syewart music, Chris Harger, Tim Lockridge, Jaleel White, Nokia pretty boys behind us in the booth, Bisssssscuiiit's children, age 6 and 8--Mini Muffin and Toast, Chicken Snatch lady, Noah Wyle, Wyclef Jean, Yo Quiero Taco Bell Dog, the Hamburgler, Indianapolis' mayor Bart Peterson, Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dogg again, Mary Poppins, Jenny from the block, Triumph the insult comic dog, Buffy, Thom Yorke, Nelly, Ani DiFranco, Kieran Culkin, Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald-Crane, Parker Posey, the cast of Making the Band II, Dracula, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Oliver, Iron Chef Yammamoto, Lil' Kim, Gillette, Cher, Chris Crowley, Sylvia Browne, John Phillip Sousa, Teresa the slut from Cracker Barrel, Also Ott, Lamont, and Bonnie from Cracker Barrel, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Right Said Fred, Gandolf the WHITE (NOT Gandolf the grey), C-Nip, Tinky-B, Guido, Icy Bear, Tatiana Ali, Mr. T., the entire A-team, Liz's leftover pancakes, Kid A, Uncle Jackie, Walker Texas Ranger, La Femme Nikita, Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole's lezzy assistant, Jack Osbourne, The Ted Monster, Jan Terry, Wesley Willis, Mary-Kate but NOT Ashley Olsen, John Stamos, The Swedish Chef, Bronson Pinchot, Mike Reichert, Dave Walsh.


That is all. Please alert me to anyone I may have omitted accidentally.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

*I just peed for a SOLID MINUTE, thanks to the AWESOMEST MOVIE EVER
*The Two Towers is BADASS
*My clock says 3:33
* We had Roommate Xmas Party tonight, I cleaned up (we all did):
-another Sylvia Browne book
- the cookie jar I've been eyeing for what, years now? that's a lion that says "GETCHO HANDS OUT MY COOOKIE JAR ROOOOOOOAAAAARRR"
- this AWESOME thing Raedy made me that's a photo frame with spaces for multiple pictures, and she filled them all with pictures that she stole from my photo site, printed out, photoshopped together with all my favorite celebs, and captioned. Examples? Me teaching Britney how to dance, me in my hapkido regalia with Montel and SylviaBrowne, me at Lindsay Korman's (Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald-Crane's real name) birthday party, me at a Dogstar concert, me with Crocodile Dundee, and me winking with an Oompah-Loompah on my lap (caption for that one? "liz helps out at the orphanage")

* I haven't slept more than 6 hours or so in the last two nights, thanks to this morning's bizarre sweat-soaking dizzy spell that woke me from my restless nightmarish non-dreams about being on MAKING THE BAND II with P. Diddy that left me perched next to the toilet for two FUCKING hours while my stomach kept being like "welp, ohhhkaaay let's throw up....Now! no, wait, no, wait , wait wait, wait for it" Over and over until I was just like "fuck that I'll just puke in my sleep" and laid back down. Plus puking would've really hurt my throat, which is the worst part as of today.

*I am out of money. Utterly broke. I called the bank today, and with the few presents I have yet to buy, the RETARDO grad school application fees, rent, and bills, I am OUT of money. Period. I don't think I have enough gas to get home.

*I think I'll come home Thursday

I am so fucking sick. Thank crap I dont' have any finals to be worrying about. For the last two days I've been hellaciously sinusy, and my throat is sore and dry and my nose is stuffy and I have a headache.

The Boy Meets World episode where Topanga kisses the boy from the art exhibit is on. This one always makes me sad.

I am so medicated. I woke up at 6 this morning, pissed off because I'd been having nightmarish non-dreams about being part of the Anna Nicole Christmas special (anyone else happen to see this? It was a nightmare) and couldn't go back to sleep. I read a Sylvia Browne book in its entirety and decided that either she instructed the creators of What Dreams May Come as to what the Other Side is like or there are some freakily similar views of the afterlife that I think make sense. I couldn't go back to sleep.

I am such a nerd. I feel so much like crap. I've watched eleventy hours of television today. I'm going to be pissed if I can't comfortably sit through the midnight Lord of the Rings tomorrow night. Fuck.
And Hanako came up with a huge pile of horseshit for me to do before I leave, so who knows when I'll be home now. One thing's for fucking sure, I'm not even thinking about coming to Evansville until I'm feeling better....nothing saps health like that stupid ass place

Anyway, I'm going to go alternate between fever and chills some more. Everyone who's already coming home, drive safe. See ya'll soon

So that stupid html was messing up my blog. It's gone now. Just make a note of the fact that I scored "Very High" in Narcissism. Hahaha, not TOO surprising.

I can't decide if I want to take a nap. I'm sleepy, it's late afternoon (ok, it's practically evening), I just drove all the way back from Louisville, I think my bed looks fantastic...ok, fine, I'll take one here in a minute.
Went down to Stacey's last night, after trying to decide if driving through a nasty snowstorm would be worth it. I wasn't going to go but then she was all "Ashleigh and I made your penis cake" and "I have new pictures to show you" and "the penis cake is carrrrrrrrottt cake" and "you haven't met Titters the Cat yet"
So I went. Chris crapped out on me so I made JD go, knowing that he'd have to be back here to work this evening at 5:30. The roads SUCKED from here to Columbus, and by "sucked" I mean were insanely bad and dangerous.

But we made it in three hours and immediately went to Joe's Crab Shack. And for some reason, there was no party atmosphere, there were no strobe lights or dancing music, there was nothing. Nothing but 13 inch tall tie-dye frozen drink fun (thanks, Stace!) and fish. I'm reminded AGAIN that I don't like fish. Except from the Irish Lion and Cracker Barrel.

So then me and JD and Ash and Stacey and Shane and Aaron and his date (I'm not sure of the name....Dewey?) sat around and ended up playing HOT AND BOTHERED, my ALL-TIME FAVORITE STUPID PARTY GAME, as per last year, and we added some more rules to make it more interesting. It's still more fun with a huge group of totally unwilling people, but I'm sure we'll find occasions to play it again this season.

And then we eventually went to sleep. And woke up and decided to go to Max and Erma's, which we did, and then Shane left for Eville and JD and I had to leave for Bton.

Fun stuff, huh?
Anyway. Count on more month-long birthday partying when I get home. Someone should have an Xmas party. And we should start planning it NOW

Awww yeaaah

That bastard red belt test is finally in the bag. And MAN I am exhausted, and completely covered in soreness, and I feel GREAT

It was an awesome test, as I got to work with JD (thank you Pat) which meant no half-assing anything or worrying about hurting each other and seeming wussy, which is my biggest fear when they pair me up with girls or other boys my size (cause yeah, boys my size are wussy)

I passed, woo-hoo. And with nothing but a mild headache to complain about. I thought my wrists were actually going to break OFF at one point in the test, but they're fine now, and I also thought my nose was broken (not JD's fault, there is this HUGE --he looks like the cave troll from Lord of the Rings--guy that the judges deliberately had try to waist tackle me---because the point is, clearly, to throw their dumb ass across the room for trying to tackle---and when he did so, he went flying but not until I managed to eat a knee or elbow or maybe the bulk of his torso coming at full speed with my nose) for a time, but the thing as a whole was fantastic, I felt like I did well and the girls who weren't testing that are my little clique there came to watch me and JD anyway and confirmed that it was an "awesome" test. And my judge had nice things to say. Fantastic.

I fucking LOVE this art, and I only wish I had more time to do more things....Melissa was talking last night about possibly taking the self-defense class, which is the best idea I've ever heard....every girl I know (and hell, every guy who thinks haymakers are good punches to throw) should be in this....it's so fucking rewarding, it's hard to believe.

I won't rant here. JD's the only one who listens to my hapkido rants anyway. But AHHH, JEEZE, it's so fucking fun. And painful, but in that character-building kind of way, not that crying-like-a-baby kind of way.

And we all went to the Irish Lion after (awesome restaurant, it's becoming a post-belt test tradition) so I've yet to clean the dried blood and sweat off me, so I guess I'll be doing that now.

Also, Mel's blog today is hilarious. Hahahahaha.
Does anyone wanna join a gym with me while we're all home for break? I fear I'll go insane with nothing to do with myself.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you lovelies who made my birthday "special." We'll all go get plastered when I'm home (next Wednesday, it seems)

So yesterday I wake up, go work on hapkido stuff only to find that while I don't feel hungover, I sure as fuck don't feel like aerobic activity, certainly not like jump spin kicks, and this realization that I couldn't have completed the red belt test if I'd wanted to yesterday certainly sobered me up hahahahahah

So anyway, I have a bit to obsess about, between my lack of being in shape and my sucky kicks, but it's more worry for me and how I'll feel afterwards than real concern that I won't pass the test. Although, knock on wood, you never know.

Then I took a shower, putzed around doing some homework, and we (me jd chris mel raedy) went to Red Lobster, where I had a raspberry margarita and remembered why I don't like seafood, but we had a good time. And then was the lab Christmas party, which was super lame but not as bad as I'd almost hoped it would be. And the highlight was that CHAR had made me a CAKE and not only was it a cake, it was a tiny little 3-D bear cake with extremely detailed icing fur and a face, and it sat upright. Cutest fucking thing ever, I think I'll take a picture of it. Ok, as floofy as she can be, she is just the sweetest person. I feel completely bad for the trillions of times I've said something mean about her.

And everyone there sang Happy Birthday, and that was overwhelmingly embarrassing, and we got out of there with a book of logic puzzles, hot sauce, and coke glasses. Hahahaha

Then came presents (actually, I'd been opening them periodically throughout the day): Raedy got me the smuttiest Britney calendar I've ever seen, a retardedly hard-looking puzzle of the capitol building, and puzzle glue. JD got me fuzzy pants I wanted and a Sylvia Browne book and perfume I also wanted. Mel got me a Courduroy book (I have the bear, and actually, I used to have the book and really missed it), a bridal magazine (because I am a freak), a tray and a bunch of nail polish (she was, fantastically, having a very nostalgic weekend, I think), and the Crossroads dvd. Hahahaha. Awesome.

And then later JD bought me Taco Bell. So sweet.

That's about it, I know this past week my blog has been super-boring, but as Chris and I are headed to Louisville this weekend, that should all change shortly. Oh, also, the more I think about it, the more I feel I need to put a disclaimer on those poems of JD's: they're not about ANYONE, but it seems like they could easily be about EVERYONE, so please know that they are NOT intended to be poking fun at ANYONE at all, no matter how many pairs of Sean John pants you happen to own. They are just BAD, stupid poems, as JD and I cannot stand poetry (that's because 98% of it is LAME) and were finding ways to amuse ourselves when we were bored the other night.

Yes, ok. Take that for what it's worth.

Good morning. Yes, it's my fucking 21st birthday. And it's going to be a busy day, that's for sure.
I've just woken up, and am now watching JD's Dim Mak vital point striking video with this crazy guy Earl Montague, so I can pick some pressure points to know for the red belt test. When it's done we're gonna go drill the jump kicks, as my jump back everythings suck pretty bad, and although I'll be exhausted by the time we get to those on the test and they'll probably suck anyway, I'd at least like to KNOW that I can do them well. And also today is the LAME lab Xmas party (7pm), my awesome birthday party (I think we're going to eat somewhere so we can all drink some more) and homework day from hell, but that can really wait. Also, I'll need to take a shower at some point, and as you can see I don't have time to do much of that before the stupid Xmas party.

So anyway, lemme tell you about yesterday.

I realized Friday that my license expired today, which meant that by the time I went Monday to renew it, it would have expired, which JD seemed to think woudl mean I needed my birth certificate and 80 proofs that I'm not a terrorist to get it back, and that was no good. I discovered online that the BMV is not open on Saturdays. Fuck. But there are a couple branches in Indy that were open, so I made JD go with me all the way there at asscrack o'clock yesterday morning. And wow, was it boring, and they made me take the driving written test again, this time with FIFTY questions, which while I cannot honestly say it was hard, it sure as shit was LONG, and I sure as fuck had no idea how many feet a semi would need to stop if going more than 55 mph. Anyway, I passed, and my picture looks like a monkey, it's hilarious, and we finally got out of there about a hlaf hour before the stupid place was supposed to close.

As we're pushing open the front doors, a woman who'd been chatty/friendly with me after the written test stopped us and the folowing dialogue ensued:

Her: Hey where you goin I'll pay you to take me to my hotel
Me: Well, I'm not from Indy so I wouldn't know where your hotel is
Her: It's on Shadeland
Me: Yeah, I don't know how to get there
Her: It's over by 70
Me: Well, we're actually going south
Her: Please, if you give me a ride I'll pay you, let me go inside and get change for this twenty
Me: Welp, I don't care, we can take you
Her: Oh thank you!
Me: As long as you're not going to try to kill us. Are you going to kill us?
Her: (laughing) No, no
Me: Promise? Ok then

Then this kindly old man gave me directions and she gave me five bucks, which bought me lunch, and she was this cute, 40 year old black woman who'd been there passing her truck driving license test or something, and she had a raspy voice and tightly curled hair with blond streaks in it, she was really a sweet person. She was talking the whole way about how excited she was to have passed this test, yack yack yack

Anyway, that was my good deed

So then I sat around all afternoon not getting shit done, trying to decide if I wanted to go out that night or not, and finally JD convinced me, and Mel and Chris went too, and we went to the Bluebird and it was pretty fucking fun. I couldn't stop grinning at the bouncer dude because it was like 12:30 when we got there, and he figured out why after having to check his watch for the date, and chuckled and sent me over to this girl so she could give me a "birthday card" which means I get in there and at Axis (booty club) free for the next 21 days. Fantastic. So we sat around and drank, me trying girly shit like Mai tais, tom collinses, and rum and cokes, and at some point Patrick (hapkido guy who manages at this, the coolest of all bars, as if there's any more need to revere Patrick) appeared and said Happy Birthday and offered me a shot, but I was all "mmm, I dooooonnn't knoooooow, maaaaaybe laaaater"

So then later I wouldn't say I was "drunk" but maybe "pleasantly unable to stop myself from saying whatever I felt like" and Jacki, Pat's preferred whipping girl, my idol, a blackbelt, and the nicest fucking person you'll meet in your life (not to mention most talented martial artist, cutest person, best sense of humor....in short she's just fantastic) who also works there as a bartender/tub girl said happy birthday as we were leaving when they closed and asked again about the shot thing, and I said sure, so she made shots of this "house special" stuff called Willie Hayes after some IU coach who freaked out and beat someone that tasted really good for all of us, and herself and Patrick too. That was fantastic, I don't know about shots, especially when she told us all the shit that was in it, but it was pretty fucking good. Ask Mel and Chris if you don't believe me.

Ok, so that was awesome, Pat got me and JD tickets to go see the midnight showing of Lord of the Rings next week, which is also awesome.

FANTASTIC. Now if I can just fucking pass my red belt test, write my fucking methods section, and finish the rest of my responsibilities, I'd be ok. Today is going to be kickass. Thanks already to the some of you who have sent me silly ecards and brthday wishes. I love you!!!

Time to go watch Dim Mak

HaHHHhHaaaKAKAKAKa

Who took my Friendship test as "Jared" (ironical@moron.com)? Hahahahah, aha ah ah aha ah ah hahahahahha hahaha
Good one, whoever did that. And you missed 5?!?! I mean, sure, 7 of them are trick questions, but come ON

I wanted to say that I LOVE snow, and that I wish it would snow forever and blanket the whole world in a nice white comforter of quietness and calm...nothing, absolutely nothing in the whole world is better than being the first person to tromp about in snow in the middle of the night when it's otherwise completely quiet and the stars are clearer than they've ever been before
Even though I was just taking the trash out, it was gorgeous. I LOVE December, I LOVE snow and weather and ice and I could live fairly blissfully without ever having another sticky July again

I have too much horseshit to do this evening to write much more, including unethically making up data for my survey project, writing a methods section, and getting to bed soon enough to stand a chance of waking up in time for yoga tomorrow morning, but I think if you haven't noticed yet, you should check out JD's blog with his, ahem, poetry on there. I was going to post some of mine as well but realized in the nick of time that they're just too inappropriate. enjoy JD's, they're better anyway. Try to read them with the image of him wearing ICP makeup talking into a microphone in your head, perhaps at some out-of-the-way coffee house

Har. I'd also like to remind you all that SUNDAY is my BIRTHDAY, not to mention my TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY, so if you can't spare the time for a phone call, you can at least send me a nice sappy ecard expressing your undying love (Of course!) for me. And wish me luck, starting now, on Tuesday's mother of a red belt test.

Smooches

So, uhm, check out The Friendship Test over to the left. Take it, I beg you. Make me feel like I did something productive with my day. Oh, and if you think you'll score badly on it, use a fake name. They'll never know!

I don't know what it is about today, but I'm in a fantastic mood.

I went to reading group, spent most of the time correcting Hanako and her RA's about what they thought an article meant and said, found a problem with the actual method of the stupid thing and finally got Hanako to understand what I was saying; basically, that it was flawed and even though it's an article by my own mentor, it'a not good science (excusable because she was replicating another study to make different conclusions, unexcusable because they forgot part of the basic scientific method...although I am SURE that she has a good reason for it, and that Hanako just couldn't come up with a satisfying answer for me)

Now that's thinking like a scientist. Or grad student. Or professor.

this is the first day that a career teaching hasn't sounded repugnant to me. It's not that I wouldn't WANT to teach, I just think I would suck horribly at it. I don't explain things clearly, I'm impatient, I'm sarcastic and need constant feedback that they're listening or understanding, etc.

But then at hapkido club tonight, I somehow got put in charge of running a practice lower belt test, and I started thinking about TAing for it next semester, and how that doesn't seem so retarded anymore...I feel strongly that there aren't enough girl TAs, and (I actually don't think there are ANY) there aren't enough small people being like "ok, if they're way taller than you and this technique won't work, do ___ instead" or non-strong people being like "if they're forty times stronger than you, do ______ and they eat the floor"

I got a little self-righteous about it, really, when I realized that I'm to the point where
A. I'm good enough to think about doing this and never feel like I'm fucking up anyone's foundational learning.
B. I'm, for a girl, and an upper belt girl, "Very Good" (there are a lot of people --girls and boys---who outrank me but, how do I say this, don't bother training outside of the class? do you follow?)
C. If I were a beginning girl and a girl helped me out, I'd feel more confident that I could do _____
D. If I were a girl, just getting into this, and I saw a kickass girl, I'd feel more confident

You get the idea. And I'm busy as shit, sure, and depending on what class I'm helping, I'll get the shit beat out of me daily or I'll have to explain everything to the class, there's no middle ground. But it would be giving something back, and I'm to the point where belt tests don't scare me anymore and I feel confident in most things. I'm fucking Excited about the blackbelt test, about all you guys coming to watch me and JD beat the living crap out of one another, I'm excited to be as much better at the end of next summer as I have become in the last 9 months, if that makes sense. I REALLY like this stuff, it really works, and I'm going to cut this rant off now before I get up on the "all my girl friends need to learn at least a few of these anti-rape moves" soapbox. I finally feel like I could use this stuff if I had to, and while I'd never fucking want to try a gun defense, the rest of it has such fantastically practical applications that I wouldn't hesitate. Let this be a lesson to would-be rapists: you come at me with a knife, you lose an eye. To quote Patrick. See Liz's Photos

Enough there.

JD and I had a "Bad Poetry Writing" Contest last night, on a whim. He totally won. I have a sneaking feeling some of the better ones (and by "better" you should know that I mean "worse") might appear on his blog sometime soon. I won't start in on my "poetry is the single most lame thing in all of existence" rant here, because I fear I might offend some of the more sensitive readers. hahahaha aha ah aha ah ah

So who's coming to my month-long birthday party? I've claimed the remainder (after school's done) of the month of December for my birthday party, and also as a celebration of the fact that now we are ALL of age to do anything we please, ever. It's so weird. We're all still 15 and walking from my mom's house to Old Hickory in my mind. We're still breaking into people's houses and stealing vodka. We're still entitling our exploits things like "Wyld Stallions."

I really think a nice road trip is in order. I had such a good time at the Thanksgiving dinner, probably because I typically have a good time when I'm dressed as Nelly and singing Britney songs, but it was so nice to be around everyone.

I've had this one stupid lyric from an ICP song in my head allll fucking day, on constant repeat, and it goes, "there's no water, it's Faygo on tap, and i wash my hair and my hands and my buttcrack wit it, cause i can, cause i'm mad paid"

and after that I don't remember the words, and even those aren't really right, but oh well

So I promised a rant, and clearly this isn't it, but the more I think through what I want to bitch about, the more I realize that I have to be smarter than my first impulse, and I have to stop. It's a pity I can't get my archives to republish, I've said it all before.

I don't like to think of myself as a weak person, so I won't.

I almost forgot to mention that I got the grant I applied for a couple months ago, that's for my thesis...it pays for basically anything I could ever need, including binding the stupid thing once it's finished, and gives me a nice fat stipend I could definitely use. Awesome!

Also, as of this past week I am addicted to caffeine, as I have a raging headache that can't be caused by anything other than withdrawl.

I had an absolutely fantastic break, thanks to everyone who helped make it so amusing. I can't wait for the next couple weeks of pure crap to be over. I have to write my methods section, finish my grad school apps, do a stupid statistics project for a stupid methods class, do other crap for the same class, pass a red belt test (a RED BELT test, for crying out loud, how did I get this far this fast?), turn 21, attend lame-ass lab Xmas party, go climbing with hapkido club, go with Chris Daniels to visit Stacey, come home for my mom's recital on the 15th, pass hapkido skills test, come home early (or to Louisville) as I have NO finals to speak of, all my classes are bullshit HPER ones or have projects instead of finals.

Hahahaha, the more I think about it, the more awesome it is....this is the most stressful part of the semester and it's really not all that bad, I guess. There are some things to look forward to, like everything that comes after the belt test. Birthday stuff is always fun.

We've taken Mel's old room (JD's new technical room that's still empty)and all of us have put our Xmas shopping in there, and we're now calling it the present room, and it's ridiculously full of fantastically wrapped presents for everyone...for instance, Raedy wrapped one for each of her roommates and spelled out our names letter by letter on condoms. They look fantabulous.

I got bored for a few hours this week, and when I get bored I start thinking about stuff I don't want to think about, and thankfully before it got too serious Stacey called and we went with Chris, Mel, Janel and Austin to see Harry Potter, and then to IHOP.
Does anybody else think we need a nice group road trip? It came up at IHOP and there's a miniscule chance that JD can get his parents' timeshare for a week in December, so we could possibly all go somewhere. Stacey suggested Florida again, which would be fine with me. I'll keep you all posted on what happens with that.

Yesterday Stace and I went to the Indian buffet, to Goodwill, to WalMart, all the Evansville staples, and had a good long talk. I love you Stace, huge cartloads, you're fantastic. You always make me feel better, even when I don't realize I'm feeling bad in the first place.

OK, I'm getting a bit bored with these oh-so-factual updates, and I want to warn you all that I feel a rant coming on, probably today or tomorrow.

Hahahaha. I just remembered one of my all time favorite jokes:
Q: How do you get an elephant into a subway?
A: I don't know
Q: you take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way"
A: (puzzled) but there's no "f" in "way"
Q: Thats right! there's no f-ing way!

HHAHAHAHAH HA Ha ahahaha ahah ah ah ah ......man oh man