Parrot-Back It. I'm An Underline Caret Bracket

34. We have some prospies visiting the despartment this week/end. Last night was our gala schmooze fest thing. Four long-ass hours of continual chatting. Wow, it gets tiresome. My friend B somehow got saddled with two of these kiddies, and we all noticed last night that they have this obnoxious rudeness to them that I somehow don't remember posessing when I came here to visit. And these people aren't even admitted yet! The nerve, I swear. Anyway, B had two. One of them developed a badditude halfway through the thing, received a booty call on her cell, and insisted that B give some random dude directions so she could be picked up and return "later." B chewed her out in B's own way by reminding her nicely that she had INTERVIEWS all day today and wouldn't she like to focus on that while she's here? and then I found out today that the girl went anyway, came back at 2:30am after swearing she'd only be gone an hour, and then got into a fight with B about it in which she said, "Geeze, I had no idea my MOM was going to be hosting me," and then I guess B started yelling and then this little skank goes, "you better not ruin my reputation with the faculty over this." So B promptly wrote our gradviser a narsty email detailing this girl's profound classiness. Fuck that girl. She was really snotty anyway. It's just blowing my mind that people act like that at a JOB INTERVIEW with total strangers who are letting you stay at their house. Wow. and then think that you're just a student so your opinion doesn't affect them. Incroyable!

35. I just got mad at my cat, and without realizing the lameness of this at the time, yelled, "Hey! If you want attention from me, you ask me like a normal person! You don't have to claw the couch to get me to chase you around the apartment!" Then I looked at him expectantly for some kind of understanding. Which I didn't get. And then I realized he's a cat. He's currently sitting sidesaddle on his haunches (he's too fat to sit squarely on his rump) and glaring at his new hummingbird best friend, who is really effective at luring Jyushin into jumping (SPLAT!) full force into the window by hovering right outside and saying childish, taunting things to him. Grow up, hummingbird.

36. Nothing can compare to when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me.

37. I thought I would be in a constant panic about this week during this week (I have the most heavily-laden week of speaking committments I've ever had to manage at once, plus normal overwhelming work to do) but I am fucking taking it like a champ, and I have decided not to be nervous and also to tear it up old school style and make it clap awesome. 'Tis the value of positive thinking. I'm not nervous. Incroyable!

38. I hate bananas. I also hate mushrooms and olives of any color. I've tried to like bananas, and tomatoes, which I also kind of hate, but I still feel like puking while I eat them. Sometimes I eat them because I should, though.

39. Sandra Bullock's voice gets the Fizzuck on my nerves.

40. I want to go to Hawaii very very bad. Too bad I am broke forever now.

41. My sister stole my idea to post a bullet about how I have adorable feet with all the right-lengthed toes (no narsty second-toe-outdistancing the big toe-bullshit). I guess I will instead have to talk about how I have stumpy little sausage fingers.

42. Jenny and I are more evolved than you, because neither of us had wisdom teeth. This is either from inbreeding on my mom's side of the family, or because my paternal great-grandfather was an alien. No one has any clue who he was, as my dad's grandmother never revealed to anyone the source of her pregnancy. We can guess he was a fabulously talented artist, and tall, and other than that, no one knows. It may have been, but probably was not, an immaculate conception.

43. Jenny recently recommended an Elbow song called "Fugitive Motel" which is indeed awesome. Awesomer is that downloading/listening to it put some pieces of floating bullshit together in my head so I finally realized that this one song I really liked a couple years ago that JD put on a comp for me that I couldn't remember who did it was also by Elbow ("Red"). And now I know the mysterious origins of that awesome song, thanks to me and Jenny's identical awesome music tastes that eventually cycle back on each other and eat itself.

44. No matter how long her hair is, I will never Not think Hillairie Swanck looks just like a boy.

45. JD and I tried to name our guilty 90s music pleasures the other day. Among my top ones were soul asylum's runaway train, the tony rich project's nobody knows it but me, and a richard marx song of unknown titlage. Yeah, laugh it up. That's the backlash when you're only allowed to listen to classical music for the first decade of your existence.

46. I keep having sleepless nights where I'm lucidly aware the whole night of what minute it is and how I'm not asleep and how bad it's going to suck to not have slept a wink in the morning. Then I get the best sleep when I'm hitting snooze in between alarms and that, my friends, is the most depressing way to start your day.

47. Pet peeves:
*Girls who can't blend their foundation into their chin
*Signal fading on cell phones
*Ugly toenails on the ladies (in that sense P.Diddie and I have a lot in common)
*Jyushin at 4:30am every fucking night (teehee, I'm punny!)
*People who think it's ok that birth control costs so g.d much (condoms don't cost that much)
*People who think evol. psychallagie explains why women are monogamous and men are, by design, phillanderers
*neighbors hammering at 2am
*people who point out to me that I am sweating when I am sweating

48. My favorite thing to eat is edamame, mashed potatoes, buffalo wing fake chikn nuggets, and chocolate. Put that bitch in a blender on "puree" for a couple minutes, and Damn

49. My adviseer numbero twos ( i should call them pee pee and poo poo) left the little schmooze fest gala last night and was waving to some of us (her current students) and walked right into a doorframe. I lauuuuuughed and lauuuuuuughed.

50. My mom wrote the world's worst email to BOTH me and jenny yesterday that was like, "i'm not going to call either of you today. I'm busier than I thought I'd be on my day off. Call if you need anything. Liz, good luck on your presentation next week." For some reason I laughed really hard at this then reflected on how uninvolved and unconcerned my mother is with my life and has always been and I got mad. I mean, props for remembering what week the talk was, but still. Could she BE more avoidant-aggressive?

...

21. I have a really, really sexy and mysterious bruise on my lower left back/kidney area. No one knows where this came from, but JD and I are in agreement that it's hot.

22. When I have a lot of things to do and not a lot of time in which to do them, I pro-cras-ti-nate. Hence the dual blog update and the fact (you can't know this since I'm just now saying it) that I've spent all afternoon downloading new (EEEEE!!!) music to make myself a nice inspirational comp cd. I am practically creaming my pants with happiness, as I am "obtaining" (shout out to "corn" on that verbiage) some really kickass stuff. I knew I would like the fiery furnaces, but I'd never heard them. I knew I would like the soundtrack to Friday night lights, since EITS did it, but I'd never heard it. Mmmm.

23. I make comp cds to relieve stress, relieve boredom, do nice things for my friends, communicate thoughts and feelings to people I couldn't otherwise express, perpetuate the assumption that I am an "elitist," and because there is something base and undeniable about music (oh ho, i think it may be in my blood!) that compels me to do so. I honestly have a compulsion when it comes to making me/you guys comp cds. I compulse about comping and tweezing. Jenny would add "shopping" to this list, but that's really not something I have problems controlling.

24. If I had to pick how I was going to die, I think I would want to freeze to death.

25. I have been experiencing a bizarre number of heads-up pennies lately. Today I had a meeting with an UG and she came in and exclaimed, "Oh! There's a penny on this chair!" And when I asked her if it was heads up or tails up it was heads-up. I think, Raedy, that Manuel (my spirit guide) is indeed fucking with me. I am unnerrved by all the pennies in illogical places. But then I think of Manuel and I am comforted. *Something* has been terrorizing the cat lately, and I like to think that's Manuel too. Oh, and I saw a man, by the sink, in this apartment the other day. I told JD and he casually says, "oh, weird, I normally see him over by that window."

26. I furrow my brow a lot. More than most people, I would say. I am going to look extremely angry all the time when I am old and wrinkly.

27. Until today, I hadn't had any diet coke in about 6 months. I just decided not to drink it anymore. Today my officemate came in with shitty dominoes pizza and a 2-liter of diet coke and i gobbled them both up. she let me take the diet coke home, and i drank the whole thing.

28. On my 7th birthday, I was bored and being ignored (my perception) by my mother, so I was being annoying. I was pulling on a bookcase in the hall that wasn't attached to the wall, and my mom yelled at me. So then I went and pouted behind my dad's chair in the dining room (it was a huge throne-type thing that he had made, along with the table and me and Jenny's "booth"). While I was pouting back there, the space heater that was plugged in began sparking and caught the wall on fire. I ran and got my mom and she sent me running over to the neighbor's and the fire department had to come and stuff. And we all had to stand around in the back yard and my dad had to come home from work early and I always wonder what would've happened if I hadn't been pouting back there and hadn't seen that little fire start. Would the whole house have burned down? Would we all have been stuck in it? My mom certainly wasn't one to deal with a crisis.

29. On my 8th birthday, my mother was locked up in the nuthouse, and I couldn't see her. I remember my dad trying to explain to me that she needed to be there, but all I could feel was abandoned because she hadn't even gotten me a card. I think that was the point in my life where I realized that I was always going to be more of an adult than my mother.

30. The only ice cream I've ever genuinely liked is ben and jerry's oatmeal cookie flavor.

31. Very few things give me as much sheer childlike joy as riding my bike around in the park. When I don't have a place I'm riding it TO and don't have a schedule, I love riding my bike. I make zooming noises while I do it. Oh, and JD usually goes with me, and he stands up and pedals, shouts, "TURBO POWER" and makes fart noises while he pumps his tree trunk legs. He can go much faster than I can.

32. If I had a choice between a fancy espresso drink and food, i would take the coffee. every time.

33. If I had a choice between a fancy espresso drink and sleep, on the other hand, I would take sleep.

More About Me

11. I had my iPod on yesterday as I was walking back and forth from one building where I have an office to the building where I have a lab. I was listening to that Damiien Ryce song from Closer and pretending I was Natalie Portman as hard as i could. I was, I think, making a very convincing Natalie face. Unfortunately, no matter how much I tried, my boobs wouldn't bounce around quite as obscenely. Darn.

12. Nothing sends me into fits of irrational joy quite like hearing the opening notes of the Harry Pottser music.

13. I think katie courrick has little to offer to humanity. I don't understand if she's supposed to be a hard-line journalist, a chatty talk show host, or one of those people who insists on reminding you all the time that a. she is a mom! and b. she has a basic understanding of pop culture, as demonstrated by her oft-inappropriate references to it.

14. I could give two shits less about the oscars, except natalie is nominated and I really want her to win. Mostly, I just want to see what she's wearing and pretend I am her.

15. When I was in junior high, my dad agreed to buy me my first cd player (yeah, i know, a little late) and in exchange, I had to listen to vast amounts of classical music and agree to be quizzed on it by him periodically. I had to be able to identify, in a few measures, what piece, movement, etc I was hearing and if I didn't do well he would take the cd player away. Even now, I can readily identify the pieces I had to learn. I can't tell you anything else about classical music. Except I mostly like it. I would probably have liked it more if my dad weren't such a nazi. haha

16. Also when I was in junior high, I went to a city where they had a hot topik (not evansville at that point) with my mom and i was sooooo into green day and I begged her to buy me a dookie sticker. the guy at the counter giggled when I went to buy it and joked that he hoped it wasn't scratch-n-sniff. I didn't get what he meant by that until, like, six years later.

17. Until JD explained it to me last night I thought a tsunami and a tidal wave were the same thing. I have nightmares about tidal waves all the time.

18. My dad always had a stockpile of planters dry roasted peanuts and twix bars in his nightstand. Jenny and I would constantly beg for one or the other. Occasionally he would indulge us. Mostly, though, he would do that "funny" dad thing where he ate a twix bar in front of us as slowly as he could and refuse to give us any. haha

19. Jenny and I used to have a purple bedroom with all this crazy furniture that my dad built, like a "zoo." and a bunkbed, which I had the top of. And when either of us would have a nightmare one of our parents would come in with "bad dream spray" which was aerosol air freshener that my dad had taped a piece of paper around that read, "Bad Dream Spray," and they would spray that around and, shockingly, it worked incredibly well and prevented any further nightmares. Genius.

20. JD brought me a griffyndor shirt the other day, which I have been sleeping in and am wearing now. It is entirely too small. But I like pretending I am a harry pottser character. So I'll keep wearing it. It's awesome.

Is That A Horse Bandwagon? Let's Get On It

Wow, even with my PUNS I'm Punnier than I mean to be. I'm joining the relentless beat of the Melissa Drum now. I felt lots of negative energy coarsing through me once I posted that big gripey bitchfest earlier. And I LOVE it when Stacey updates so so much that I update doubly (dolby) just to say thanks.

Things About Myself In No Particular Order That You May Or May Not Care To Read, Part One:

1. My url is misleading. I realize that. Do I care if you think it's as hilarious as I did when I came up with it? no. To be quite honest, I tried to enter "shutyourslutface" when it asked for a url when setting this blog up, but it told me that was too long. I swear. To. God. That's true. I know it's Jenny's url, and that's incredibly freaky, but I honestly did that. I think by the time Sis got a blog they let you type as much as you wanted.

2. I have no problem whatsoever with wearing the same pair of jeans for three straight weeks.

3. I spend an inordinate amount of time with tweezers in my hand. I tweeze eyebrows, gray hairs (thanks, dad!), then eyebrows again, usually while multitasking, but I've been known to sit on the sink counter and tweeze at imaginary eyebrows for hours. Not kidding. Ask JD if you don't believe me. I learned this from my mother, who once plucked all of her eyebrows totally off in junior high and had to draw them back on for a year. I learned this, but still I don't learn.

4. I like living by myself for the following reasons:
A. I can put the large, serving spoons in their own section of the silverware container like they're supposed to be instead of having all the spoons in one Spoon Conglomerate Section
B. I can take a dump with the bathroom door wiiiiiide open.

HAHAH

C. I can talk to the cat in whatever creepy Felinese voice I choose. I can sing weird cat songs (and I do) while I'm tidying up the apartment and not feel like the world's biggest Lame-Ass.
D. If I'm eating something and I made too much, I can put it back in the fridge instead of offering it to JD. There are always leftovers when you're allll allllooooone

5. I hate living by myself for the following reasons:
A. If I am too lazy to do something, I can't bark at JD to do it because I am too "busy" with "schoolwork" (read: tweezing my g.d. eyebrows)
B. I suck at cooking. Real bad. I intend to live on canned food and instant things like yogurt.
C. My laundry is heavy because there's so much of it. Normally I would whine until JD came and carried it for me. Poo.
D. I can't make espresso drinks for myself that taste as good as the ones JD makes.
E. It's fucking expensive to live here by myself!

6. I think unicorns are kickass

7. At various times in my life, I have spent a great deal of time becoming "proficient" at some thing or another (e.g., playing the flute, obtaining a black belt). However, this does not mean that I could play anything on the flute today that would not make you double over in agony, clutching your now-bleeding ears as you hurled protestations at me. Also, I am a little concerned that I feel like I could kick only a small majority of people's asses these days. I get nervous when I think about that pattern and the fact that I think I arbitrarily want a PhD

8. I change my mind a lot. I think sometimes, I am a vegetarian only because it narrows down menu choices to a manageable number.

9. I've been prancing around in my apartment lately. Not just, "oh, she's happy, look how she's skipping around like Melissa does when something goes well" but flat out PRANCING. Here and there. To and fro. Tra la la. I get halfway across the apartment and I have this intrusive thought that has my sister saying, "i'm PAN, the GOAT-GOD" and then quickly on the heels of that comes "I am CATFISH MAN," also a la my sister. I dissolve into giggles and then catch myself prancing and giggling and then I get weirded out by how girly I am and I have to rip a big fart or something.

AHHAHAHAH

10. I love making lists. So much so, that I often make the same list 4 or 5 times. Once I start crossing things out, the list looks super messy and I have to make a clean one with only the non-crossed off items included. It's no wonder I get Jack Shit done with my "free" time to work on things.

I have to go do laundry and go to thr gym and do eighteen hours of work in three. Way to enable me, internet. FUCK YEAH

In A Bunker, Underground

Today can lick my nuts.

Except, I have a sweetface catkins curled up, albeit precariously, on my lap as I'm typing this and he's way too fat to balance there but he's insistent about how cute he wants me to think he is. Awww, kitterskins, I love you. We might have to have joint custody of you after all. I'm soggy and rain-soaked and he's still snoozling away like he doesn't mind how wet my jeans are. I am such a cat person.

Last night (I must share this, though I'm the only one who witnessed it and some of you will surely doubt its veracity), I was terrorizing the cat by making it clear that it was time to Go To Sleep, which always elicits this super annoying freakout session from him that consists of him running the length of the apartment at full throttle several thousand times, making this annoying fucking cat noise in his throat. So usually I antagonize this inevitable process by jumping at him, giving him a better reason than Nothing At All to be running around like a loon. So last night I was laying in bed and scared him on purpose, but instead of turning and running down the hall, he turned, without looking where he was going, and ran full speed into the slightly-ajar bedroom door, slamming it shut with him on this side of it, and concussing himself to boot. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and I'm laughing now thinking about how surprised he was. Poor kitty. JD didn't see it, so he heard the terrible crash but didn't know what the cat did. I don't think he believes me that Jyushin ran right into the door. hahahaha, man, that's funny.

I had to go to la today with this undergrahd and she's sweet but I was SO CRANKY this morning that I was surely being snappish with her because

1. I haven't had any caffeine today. I forgot to make coffee this morning and I don't want any now that it's late afternoon
2. I had an awful night of sleep where I was conscious of the fact that I wasn't really asleep all night, so I just laid in bed being uncomfortable for five hours then had to get up and drive in the retarded Weather that we are having that makes all the non-midwestern drivers drive like there arent' lines on the road anymore. Fucking annoying
3. I think I lost my iPod. I realized this as I was walking out the door to go to la. I've looked everywhere it could possibly be now except jd's car. I have no idea where it could be, I've tried all that retracing my steps bullshit and I didn't GO anywhere or DO anything this weekend except with JD and possibly my friend jennifer. I'll email her but I think she would have said something if she'd found it. Sigh.
4. I have a lot of work to do but all I want to do is sleep.

Right now, this evening, I have a lot to do, but I find myself inexplicably drawn to not do it because afternoon is the MOST unproductive time of day for me. I would rather switch my schedule so that I sleep all day and then work all night. I wish people would be cool with that.

There are zero classes I want to take for next quarter. i wanted to take a stats class with this teacher I like but it's being given to the older students first, annoyingly enough, so there's nothing at all I want to sign up for. that blows, that means I'll end up being forced to take something really painful. Fuck.

I have to meet with one of my advisors on Saturday for this impending talk. How bullshit is that.

What else? I don't know, I'm done bitching. I might write again when I'm in a NON bad mood. Grrrrumble

I Like The Peace of the Back Seat

*I smelled great all day until I got to my class this morning (so, that "all day"-ness didn't last very long) and I sat next to this guy (actually, he sat next to me) who smelled just like a wet potato. So much so that by the middle of that class I was choking down bile because that, in conjunction with many other factors (e.g., not having enough caffeine, having too much caffeine, not getting enough sleep, working out too hard last night so my neck is sore, being pregnant, not eating enough for breakfast, taking a vitamin on an empty stomach) was bringing me just to the edge of barfing all over the conference table and my peers in waves so strong that I seriously debated the likelihood of it being morning sickness rather than any logical combination of the previously mentioned contributors. I kept getting whiffs of this potato man and I looked down at the floor by my feet each time to make sure my bag was sitting there at the ready in case I needed to grab it and puke right in my own purse. Ashleigh has a funny story about that you may never hear since she doesn't update her blog anymore. Anyway. I was concerned for my well-being all day until a Massive Headache set in a couple hours later and then I realized that it wasn't pregnancy causing this barfiness, it was a Migraine. I haven't had a migraine in a few years.

But, it's here in all it's textbook symptomatic glory. I almost puked for the first half of my day. Now I can't focus my eyes on anything and I have a throbbing pain in my skull that Cannot prevent me from accomplishing all the things I needed to do tonight. Because I dont' have time for a migraine. I think I have one little prescription pill leftover from when I got a prescription filled three years ago for this that I could find and take. But the problem with the medication was that it made me sicker and dizzier than a simple headache ever could. I mean, ok, maybe the issue is that I'm not really having a Migraine in the first place, so the medicine fucks my shit up. But I know right now that this will last for the next three days and that thought is really hard to stomach right now. FUCK YEAH

Anyway. One of my migraine triggers appears to be, "guys who smell badly of wet potato" and not "vindaloo" or "mango" as I had previously thought. Do Indian restaurants smell like wet potato?

*I went to the Girl Doctor (the vaginacologist) last week and she gave me a prescription for birth control and I thought I'd be adventurous and try the patch this time instead of the boring old snoozefest pill. I'll let you ladies know what I think once I get my lazy ass to the pharmacy and fill that prescription. I too think having a sticker on your ass at all times is retarded. But I've heard good things about it too, mainly that it won't make you stop wanting the good sausaging that you so desperately need.

She then proceeded to narrate my vagina whilst examining it. Some of you may be interested to know that my cervix is off center. FUCK YEAH. I wasn't particularly interested to find this out, but she thought it of great import, so I now share it with all of you. What that means for my future, I have no clue.

*There is some extra drama going on with my little circle of friends right now, which is upsetting. Apparently K doesn't like J but told B this instead of J. I have no idea why. B shared this with me in the stairwell of the building we had our Bikini Wax Lab mtg today, where she and I were having the first quarterly meeting of the Breakdown Hysterics Club. K emailed this thing to B saying that while she likes me and B a lot, she has a "problem" with J because she offended her...or something. B said she didn't read it closely, was too upset to give it thought. Was clearly distraught. So I took this opportunity to tell B about me and Jadles breaking up. She said nice things. I like hearing how strong I am, because that's what I keep telling myself. I say, "look, self, look how hilarious all these unrelated spheres of your life are! look how funny things are individually! now smmoosh them all together into reality, and see how they compund?! That's silly!!! Wheeee!!"

But like I've said before, I'm fine. He's fine. We're fine together. I liked that she made a point of saying that I'm the only person she could imagine handling my school bullshit AND this at the same time and not crumpling under it. Amen, sister. FUCK YEAH.

I'm going over to her house (i've never been before, I'm so excited!) to watch newlyweds and ashlee simpson tonight. she's a sweetie. she might move in way down the road. she's excited to have someone else be single. I told her for the next indefinite amount of time, I am virtually asexual, but if she wants to get all tramped out and go trolling for boys, i'll go with her. as a chaperone. hahahah. FUCK YEAH

I realized today that I am wearing a bracelet that says FUCK YEAH on it (thanks again, Raedy) and I intend to wear it until I survive this year and specifically, this quarter. It's very inspiring to me. It gives me comfort when I need it. I can totally do this. Hell, I don't really have a choice. Put up or shut up, self. FUCK YEAH

My Family Tree's Losing All Its Leaves

Ermmm. Did I really just see a movie preview for something with Vin Deesil as a stay-at-home dad? Holy crap that's lame.

Here is a list of hilarious things that have happened recently:

1. JD and I broke/are breaking up. You totally already know that and I don't mind that it probably spread like wildfire. If you want to talk about it, call me. If you want to talk to him about it, call him. We don't hate each other. Everything's cool between us. No, really. We've been breaking up since the beginning of January. Things are pretty much worked the fuck out now, except for some really smallish logistical problems.

2. Tuesday would have been me and JD's six year anniversary. Instead, it was the day his new lease for his new apartment started. hahahaha, let's all laugh along with me at how fucking absurd that is. Ha ha ha. He's not moved over there yet, we're managing that this weekend.

3. Tomorrow I have a Girl Doctor appointment that I had to schedule in October because that's how booked up they are, so I can get back on the pill. No, I don't want to hear admonishments from you ladies out there about how I should have been on the pill this whole time. I know I'm fucking retarded. But you have to admit, the only thing that could make 2005 suck harder would be an unwanted pregnancy. *knocks frantically on coffee table* This is funny because I don't need to be on the pill. Because I don't have time to have sex ever again. ha ha ha.

4. We decided to break up at a time where together, we have more money coming in than either of us has ever seen before. Separately, we are both broke as shit. I, in this outlandish apartment by myself, will have approximately $16 after I pay all the bills and rent with which to buy groceries, gas, and any miscellaneous supplies I may need. Neither of us had anything saved, and now we both owe relatives more money. ha!

5. Everyone else in the whole goddamn world is engaged, or getting engaged, or otherwise talking about engagement. HAHAHA

6. I had to tell someone about this in person today for the first time (the rest of you i told over the phone) and of course she kept telling me it would be ok and even though I've held it together for the last 6 weeks, having someone tell me in person that it's all going to be ok, especially when we are in public and i don't like to deal with my emotions, makes me cry and then i feel like a child. No one ever means for that to upset me MORE when they say nice things, I know, but that's always had that effect on me. I think that's why I don't like kind people. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

7. I need to get a roommate. Keith would have been incredibly convenient, but he came out here and didnt get the job he interviewed for and now instead he's going to take that regional job he got months ago that's based in maryland. So not only is he not coming here, he's actually moving as far further away from here as he can. HA! HA!

8. My friend Kristin told us at dinner tonight (it was laydays night) that she had a procedure on tuesday and she had to have something biopsied and she might have cancer. I was planning on telling them all about this breakup thing but then I couldn't bring myself to do it after she said that. So I just told one person. That's about the maximum amount I can handle per day. The cancer thing's not funny, at all, but my life is so fucking ridiculous right now I'm still laughing at this one.


I swear to god, my life couldn't be more hilarious. Seriously, though, if I were the kind of person who overreacted to things and wasn't a psychopath (meaning I cant' feel emotions like the rest of you) and wasnt' so busy that my eyes are bleeding, I think I would be severely affected by this all to the point of maybe shutting down and turning my back on reality. But. I'm not.

I'm fine. JD's fine. He and I are fine together. We're also fine apart. I have friends here. He has friends here. Just, you know, try to be polite if I call you and stuff way more than I used to. I still don't totally know what to do with myself, and you're all being really supportive but I don't know what I'll need and when I'll need it.

JD's sister might move in with me. Two of my friends here might move in with me. I might get a random roommate. I won't starve. I dont' need money. I just want you guys all to hear it from pseudo-me that everybody's fine and this is what happened. I can't bring myself to put the details of Why on my fucking blog, though. I'll accept any care packages you guys want to send. Haa! haa! haa!

I'm hilarious. You have to fucking be able to laugh at yourself. I mean, am I riiiight?

My Heart's Colder

I'm by myself in this apartment and I feel really weird. I keep picking up the phone to call you guys and then hanging up and not calling you and I know if I talked to anyone I would feel better but I can't bring myself to be proactive. I just kind of want to wallow in how weird I feel right now. It feels like something I should pay attention to and appreciate.

I rode in an elevator today with a british man who literally said, "well played!" when I caught the door to let him on, and then said, "cheerio, then!" when he got off on the floor before mine.

I feel like such a moron. A grade-A ass champ. A real bronx cheer.

I don't have the patience for any of this that I thought I had. I should have seen that coming, I knew myself better than that. Ugh. I just feel so...duped. Like the rug has been yanked out from me and I didn't see it coming but I should've. I keep thinking of that stupid story that I put on here a few weeks ago about the little girl on Venus and how it rained all the time except for an hour once every seven years. The sun's gone back behind the clouds and everything's back to how it's always been and it's worse than before the sun was around because now you have this emptiness because there's the longest possible amount of time between you and the next sunshine. I think I saw a simpsons once where bart and lisa had just gotten out of church and they were celebrating because just getting out of church meant the longest possible time before next church. It's like that only reversed.

The absurd fucking timing of the events of my life in the last couple months is what's most hilarious. It's Shakespearean in its irony. I guess.

I keep finding shiny heads-up pennies where there shouldn't be any new pennies. All around and behind my desk at school. Unless my officemate is planting them, I can offer no good explanation.

I kind of feel like I'm about to cry but I've realized a lot about myself as a person recently, and one of the things I realized is that when I'm upset about something I'm upset for a relatively brief period of time and then I get bored with being upset and I don't feel that way anymore. We'll see how well I can maintain that kind of sy co pathic emoshin regulayshin over the next bit of time.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective and think about the bigger picture and not miss the forest for the trees, etc. But it's kind of hard for me to do that successfully.

Do I own anything that you want? I am going to need money so badly that I will sell you anything for a reasonable offer. My vagina, however, is not for sale. I give that away.

I just watched my cat bite it from about eight feet off the ground. This is not the first time I have watched my cat bite it anti-gracefully from an alarmingly high perch. He just fats over the side and plummets like a brick to the floor. None of that special feline orienting-so-your-legs-come-down-first thing with him. He may be too fat and have knocked himself too retarded by crashing into all the walls so often. Poor stupidface.

This week is going to be hard. But this is just the beginning of it getting hard. I'm totally alone and I'm doing that weird thing where I know I'm about to have a breakdown and I can't figure out how to place my hands in relation to my person and even though I'm typing I can feel the hysterical woman hand-wringing gene trying to kick in. For some reason that's how I know I'm about to start freaking out. I can feel myself being really restless and I can't situate my goddamn hands right.

I just feel so fucking had, like I've been tricked into something. Karma gonna getcha, huh? Way to put the cart with my one basket with all the eggs in it before the horse, self. Maybe I'll write you an email now instead of whining on my stupid faux-outlet. Maybe I'll find something productive to do with myself. I get the feeling I'll be in the gym a lot soon. I dont' think I like February very much.

I'll Meet You On The Other Side

I have a lot of work to do today. Hence, a blog update.

I lost my g.d. debit card this weekend. I also let a big fat loan in personal check form from my mother fall out of my pocket at the mall, only to have it returned to me by the most honest person ever, this guy named Tyler who called my mom and got my cell phone from her and waited at mayceys for me to come back to the mall and retrieve my check. And he didn't want any money or blowjobs or anythin in exchange. hahahah. What a nice, honest, guy. It looked like his girlf was trying on clothes and he had a lot of time to kill anyway, but that was just so awesome of him. I've got my eyes peeled for the next time I can do a good deed for someone and even up that karma.

Last night JD and I were laying around and then I got up and was standing by the bed and I got hit in the face withthis blast of hot air. So I was flailing around trying to feel if there was a draft coming from somewhere, but I was standing right by the window (it was cold outside) and the heat vent was all the way across the room. Jd laughed at me for me weird hot-air-seeking dance, but then a couple minutes later he was doing the same thing because when he got up, HE got blasted with hot air. We both reflected on the weirdness of this, but forgot it.

Then this morning my mom emailed me and the title was, 'Something else weird happened'

Which, as you shoudl know by now, means that she thinks she had a close encounter with a spirit of some sort. So the email details how she was laying in bed, awake, in the "middle of the night" last night and she was blasted in the face with hot air.


WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Or more speciffically, what the fuck are any of us supposed to glean from that? Weird, weird, weird.
Anyway, just wanted to share with the 0.5% of you who will be just as struck by that as I was. Did someone die last night? Jenny? Are you ok?

Back to work. I have to be disckushin leeder tomorrow. Fuck.

Come Get It I Got It

I just got an inter-campus envelope FINALLY saying that I can start my G.D. data collection. THANK FUCKING GAWD. why, just yesterday I was sitting around with my friends listening to them bitch about how they're not "quite" done with their DATA ANALYZING and they're worried about the time crunch and then I started laughing hysterically because, as I pointed out to them, i hadn't yet been APPROVED to START my data GATHERING, let alone HAVE it and be ANALYSIS-ING it. They all felt much better, but since I have this stupid optimistic part of my brain that always thinks I can pull shit off and everything will be alright all the time, I am CLINGING to the MISGUIDED HOPE that I can Actually Do This.

We will fucking see about THAT. I am going to TEAR UP some data collection ass in the next few weeks.

So that was good news. Relieving and good timing, since I have a meeting in an hour to practice this study on my advisor, and now I can actually be gearing up for it instead of making handjob gestures while rolling my eyes. Which I actually do quite often.

Oh, also, today in my class I was HILARIOUS. I don't know how I do it, but I get on this smart-sounding roll and then the Funniest Fucking Shit comes out of my mouth. I've actually been quite hilarious in my classes for the last few weeks. I'm delighting and alarming myself every time this happens. Are they politely laughing a bit too loud at how retarded I am? No. Are they laughing so they can change the subject? No. Am I really just that able to phrase interesting science-related things in a way that amuses other dorks? So much so that the mood is instantly lightened and everyone smiles more and jumps into the discussion? Why, yes. I think I have a gift.

I say that now, but I'm diskushin leeder in my next class (monday) and that will all probably go flying out the window as my bitch classmates stare unblinkingly at me for three hours while I crack lame racist jokes or something. Then I do an awkward ho-down kind of dance and run out of the room. Hahahahaha.

It's f-ing gorgeous here againn today. Wow, it gets so boring when it's always this fucking pretty. ahahahahaha. not.
I have to babysit undergrads today and I literally have nothing for them to do. I dont' even have anything IN MIND for them to do. Maybe I'll take them some crayons and have them draw me pictures of what sy collogy means to them. I'll tell them it's a way of tapping some kind of cognitive process. Hell, you can tell anyone anything is a way of tapping cognitive processes and they eat that shit up

Anyway. I am in too good a mood for it to be a Wednesday. Nice to see, without peer pressuring her, that Stacey has updated her blog of her own free will. Keep up the good work, Stace Face!