I Hope For Better In November

ha, deliciously trite. How I adore you. How I revel in your meaninglessness.

I am now faced with the daunting task of trying to find enough random household items to fill a box to mail to Stacey. I love this sort of bullshit mental exercise. If I could make a career of doing exactly that, I would. Or of making mermaids out of construction paper.

I will get to the random item task later.

What did I do this weekend? Oh, you'll be so glad you asked. A fat lot of nothing. Friday I got so much done in the morning that I decided to take the rest of the weekend (except for tonight, which hasn't technically arrived yet) off to horse around instead of bothering to think about school. So I came home, watched tv for a few hours, got irrationally mad at JD when he was 3 hours late coming home from work because i thought he had probably died when he didn't answer his celly, went to Disneyland with him and my friend Jenn, went to IHOP after the park closed, and then came back and slept a ridiculously long time.

Then yesterday I drank coffee and got pretty pissed off at someone for leaving a shitty comment about how boring and self-important I and this blog are for not being entertaining enough, and though that someone did so anonymously, my sitemeter detective skills have allowed me to figure out who it was. I don't get it. Whatever, though, i guess I'm a massive bitch to people all the time and don't realize it so it's ok to say whatever shit you want.

Then immediately after that the postman rang the doorbell, but JD and I were sitting around in our pajamas (read: undies) and neither of us wanted to answer the door. So I tiptoed over and peeked through the peephole and couldn't see anyone. So we waited awhile and then opened the door and there was this delightfully ghetto looking package sitting there. Yay, from Stacey, yay. And I thought she was just sending me her doubles from this summer. Nothing is as nice as surprise packages full of crap.

Still no trick-or-treaters.

So then I made JD go shopping with me. and shop we did. I'm no good with financial responsibility. But importantly, I got some things I have been desperately needing, like a belt. So could you all stop making fun of my saggy ass old man pants now, please. Thanx

Also, I got some new undies. In some festive new colors. shut up, I haven't bought undies in a long time. So that was good. And an all-day committment. But I got it out of my system, hopefully until Ashleigh is here, and HOLY SHIT that's only a month or so away. YAY!!!!!! I'm so excited already.

We also ate Indian food and then later pizza. Yeah I know, I'm still explosively full from all that. I'm Special! Barf!

And either I am becoming a giant fat ass without noticing (entirely possible) or stores are "adjusting" their jean sizes to make me feel like I am becoming a giant fat ass. Weird that trousers/pants from one store fit me (still) perfectly in the size I thought I was/am but the jeans from the same store are at least a couple sizes too small. Is that chub-hanging-over-the-waistband look that's so popular with teenage girls who are desperate to squeeze into a certain size the new "thing?" I hope not. That'll teach me to live in Orange County. Back to the Batcave for a meeting of the I Hate Pants Society.

So then we watched SNL and I laughed hysterically at the part where "elton john" made fun of ashlee simpson for sucking. Way to go Horatio.

Then today I slept in like a lazy ass bitch and then talked to my mom and then cut up photos Stace sent me to put in my photo album and went to meet JD for lunch and then came home and saw my friend Jenn, dressed like Dorothy from the Wizzarrd Of Ozzz, leaving my apartemnt. I laughed quite a bit at this too. And she was on her way to babysit but had wanted to drop off a "halloween treat" for us. What a sweetie. So on my doorstep are cuuuuuuute cutey cute cute cute halloween cookies!!! YAY!!!! I LOVE COOKIES!!! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!! WHEEEEE!!! Barf.

So then I pretended I was going to do work and then called all of you and left voicemails, since no one answered their g. d. phone or was otherwise home.

Still no trick-or-treaters. Shame on those of you hiding from them. I wish we had them so I could give them all the candy we have.

Stacey and I are wanting to plan another Kwaanza dinner. Who's game? Or hanukah, or whatever.
This time change is freaking my shit out. It's dark and 5pm now. Lame. Barf!

Ok, gotta go work on the box of crap (sound of crap) now. Lovels. Mostly. Some spite mixed in, but mostly Halloween kisses for my sweet friends, eeeeeeeee!!!!

I'll Stab You In The Face

Please, allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to those of you who find my blog to be somehow below your intellectual expectations. I find it kind of hard to believe that there are people who A. Hate Me, and B. Think My Blog Is Stupid yet C. Insist on Reading it, Probably Every Day, in case I say something so incredibly offensive in its pedestrian nature that they can set themselves to the task of creating the world's most perfectly scathing retort, in the form of an anonymous comment on Mel's secret blog. Please, sir or madam, let me personally express to you how abysmally sad it makes me to know that you have nothing better to do than read my blog and get upset about it, and probably never will. I'm special. Barf.

Now, in other news, I just got a package from Stace to the Face. Full of DELIGHT! I'm special. Barf!

Here is what the package contained (WARNING! MAY INCLUDE THINGS THAT YOU FIND BORING OR OTHERWISE INSIGNIFICANT! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO BE DOING! I'M SPECIAL! BARF!)

-tea bags
-cat treats for Jyushin (oooh! Kitties are so so so so so so so cute!!! I HEART THEM SO MUCH AND THEY'RE SO CUUUUUUTE)
-a videotape called, "How To Get Great Results With Nads"
- sparkly "flirt" sticker
-A WWF Austin 3:16 air freshener
-fruit snacks
-cookies, wheeeee!!!
-pencils
-pencil grippers
-NKOTB party invites (where the F did you get those?!)
-a black belt homie
-anatomical template tracing stuff, hahahahahahahah
-photos from the last fifteen years. Hoo-ray

So Stace, I love you so much. I'll be calling you tomorrow. If the cookies are good, I mean. If not, well....we'll see.

OH MAN I AM SUCH A BITCH!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'M SPECIAL!!! BARF!


Hahahah, BARF isnt' that a funny word? Oh it's so so true.

The Things We Think Might Be The Same

So. Thank you, Tim, for your suggestion to stick the cd-rom into my cd-rom slot. Is it my imagination today, or did the iTunes update just improve the sound quality coming through my powerbook's shitty-esque factory speakers. My office is not yet so pimp that I have external speakers for m'self yet. Give it, oh, until I get somewhere in the ballpark of thousands of dollars wired into my checking account on Monday. Who wants to go to Baja with me? Ehh?

I just got to campus. Yeah, part of that was sheer laziness and an overpowering need to sleep until 10am, part was not wanting to fight the honda-driving bitch undergrads for parking until I figured they were all back to the bars. It IS nearly 2:30pm, you know.

Speaking of my car. It's been weird and stormy here lately, and for one of these night storms I had no luck finding a good parking spot in front of my apt, so I parked under a tree that houses these spectacularly large birds that are either condors or vultures or something HUGE and creepy. Anyway. So I had noticed that my car seemed especially covered-in-shit after parking under there, but only today did I realize that what seems to have happened when it stormed was that all the big ass birds swooped down to the hood of my car and proceeded to have abortions all over it. Or something just as gross happened, and I am actually thinking that baby birds may have actually Fallen out of these massive trees and squished onto my car. There's some weird ass shit that looks like hardened goo along with some downy looking feathers all over the place. Oh, and it smells. Bad. It smells like murder.

I think I may actually take it to a carwash tomorrow. Like, I'm not going to wash it myself (and by that I mean drive to the hand wash place so JD can do it for me....even though I always say I'll do it, how chivalrous), I'm not going to touch whatever the fuck is on my car, I am going to let some illegal immigrants scrape off the vulture embryo. Fuck, I am going to throw up that's so gross. But I'm not making it up.

I have a class in about an hour. I hate classes that go until 6:30. It feels like it's six hours long. And when we get out and it's dark and windy and cold it feels really weird. The weather lately has forced me at times to turn on my heat in my car, and something about the smell of my heater makes me super nostalgic for winter in the midwest. Yes, that's a little lame. But that's probably because I've so rarely had the occasion to turn my heat on out here, that I haven't disassociated that yet. Ha.

I've recently become addicted to tea. It started since JD has been sickish for the last few days, and we stocked up on all things restorative, since I figured I would immediately come down with whatever he has as soon as he gets to feeling better. I wish I had some peppermint tea, that would be really nice. However, I do not. I have a vanilla chai, a red antioxidant green tea, and a normal green tea. And that shit better turn my brain on for this class.

I have decided, perhaps unfairly, that I do not like this class. I have never really decided so far in grad school that I just didn't like a class, but I am happily crossing off the number of times we have left to meet, and the weeks left in the quarter. Even though the faster time flies the more Fucked I Am, in project terms. Ah well. Oddly, I am thoroughly enjoying my other class, which I was warned by everyone who had already taken in (it's a req) that it would blow so hard my face would melt off. I, personally, enjoy classes where the professor talks endlessly about their own personal experiences. I do not, however, enjoy classes where the professor resents having to teach the class and therefore schedules a guest speaker for every SINGLE week, meaning the class never has any continuity in discussion, nor do we benefit from having this famous person instructing us, nor do we ever get past that awkward timidness with the speaker who is only around for a couple hours one day, ever.

I know it's good for me, but shit. I feel stifled in there. It's weird how much I know about what works and doesn't in terms of me learning things. I never really noticed before.

I had a meeting with my advisor yesterday and I'd put a lot of thought into this thing that I need to get going and she was really happy with what I'd done and kept exclaiming how much she liked the idea of this thing now and is feeling more optimistic. Which made me feel loads better. But still not sure if this is a realistic thing to aim for. But FUCK IT, MAN. I'm going to rock the socks off this fucking year. F-YOU, YEAR!

I mean, am I riiiiight?

Ooh, I have to pee. Laters

We Strolled Fatly Into The Kitchen

I can't get over how funny my sister is, with her clever writing. Man, "strolled fatly" is still cracking my shit up. even now.
My cat just tricked me into thwacking my thumbnail into the side of the couch at such an angle that it's broken far, far below the quick. I doused my thumbnail with nail glue that I had lying around from when I dug my fingernail out of the trash and glued it back on, and now my thumbnail is stuck on all sides to my thumb so hard that I fear I may never get it free.

Stupid tricksy cat.

Intolerable Cruelty is on my tv. I heart this movie.
*****
HOOOOOOO SHIT

Freaky freaky freaky!!!
I'm sitting alone in the living room. The tv is on, the cat is scampering about. I have this music-playing china doll thing that my uncle (who's since deceased) gave me when I was, like, 8 or 9. I haven't wound the thing in years. It just, JUST, for no apparent reason, played a few random notes. Stopped. And then played some more notes. Fucking shit. The cat is now sitting as near it as he can, suspicious of something in the room. Errmm, I'm freaked out now.

It's Give And It's Take; I'm Game To Play Along

Unsurprisingly, I am now addicted to that J.E.W. cd that I got last week. Which I was gifted last week. Interestingly, my new favorite verb is "gifted." Additionally, I am going to do a sigh-ko-linguistic experiment with myself to see how many times I can start sentences with adverbs and adverb phrases (you may want to consult a grammar reference before you challenge anythingas not being an "adverb," considering I just read up on this). Maybe, I can innoculate myself against hating the stylistically unfortunate prevalence of unnecessary (but one of few permitted frivolities in academe) sentence starters. Of note, I am sitting in my tower. Whereas usually I would be daydreaming about the time Stacey and I used every letter in her magnetic alphabet to spell out naughty words on her fridge because that is one of the photos in one of the collages hanging on the wall directly facing me, today I am --what, examples of the words we spelled out? OK, but I get to take a break from the adverb thing:

V
D AT
PM RIM JOB HQ
C N
FK G
U
SEXZ
L


Indeed, Blogger will probably eat that and you won't be able to appreciate the genius of the use of Every Letter. Suffice it to say that "PM RIM JOB HQ" will never cease to make me laugh hysterically.

Of course, I am busy and freaking out as usual. Impossibly, I feel strangely optimistic and content with my ridiculous (british accent) pile of work that needs to be done. At this rate, I am hopeful that I will have some things cleared away and crossed off by the end of this week. However, it'll have to be a pretty sleepless week for that to happen. Which is very possible.

Amusingly, one of my favorite JEW songs seems to be about a dude trying to talk a lady into doing anal with him.

Ostensibly, those of you who left comments whining about me not updating could point that finger of blame-for-boredom at yourselves, and could update your own blogs whenever the blog-reading urge strikes and nothing new is available for your perusal. Ostensibly, that is what I try to do. Also, ostensibly, and of note, I blog most often when I am dodging work. Thus, on week-ends and other times I can immerse myself in vapid unrealities (say, when I am on the phone with sixteen different people for several hours each on a Sunday), I am unavailable to you in this forum. Perchance I could suggest that you, ostensibly, try calling me when you are most desperate for an update of my recent activities?

Of importance, I had the greatest weekend. Ostensibly (and actually), my friends and I had a blast on Friday night, I got to see I heart Huckabees for the second time, drank some wheat beer at a local brewery, and had a delicious dinner. Of great humor, we (two of us) wanted to see Team America but my friend K(ristin) protested, insisitng she would be offended and hates South park-esque comedies. Ostensibly, she would have been the last person I would have tagged as being "easily offended" since her selective morality (drunk driving not so terrible, leaving your husband for your currrent boyfriend that you were in love with at the time of your wedding and snuck around with for a year also not so terrible, parodies of American imperialism acted out by puppets; downright blasphemous) leaves me (me, guys) reeling sometimes. However, such was the case, so we decided on the existential comedy over "shark tale." Which, to be honest, I totally would go see if I had a three year old to babysit.

Thus, as discussed above, my Friday was a great deal of fun. Next, on Saturday I woke up (as is becoming tradition and spoiling me badly) to JD having made me breakfast- MMM!- and a bunch of errands needing to be run. Ostensibly, the post office should have been open until noon, but the window was closed and the stamp machine in the lobby was out of service. Accordingly, we then drove to the bank so I could attempt to cash a student loan check that I had received in the mail the day before. Unfortunately, the teller and her supervisor were giant retarded cunts, so that was another wasted attempt to get something accomplished before noon, making me wish badly that I had slept all afternoon as I had initially planned to do. Instead, I called my mom at work and made her tell me what to do, and then I went where I should've gone in the first fucking place, to my beloved copy store with the nosy yet friendly employees who are always worrying about their fantasty football teams when I go in there. So, upon arrival at the store, I was made to feel less murderous rage by the sheer competence of my favorite notary/copy assistant/mail-sending pros, and got my parcels shippedand my loan check overnighted to my mother.

Hence, Jadles and I decided to go to Disneyland, as is our wont, and wanted to eat on the way because the food in the park is, uhh, not so vegetarian. In accord with this goal, we peeled our eyes for somewhere in Anaheim but weren't immediately struck by anything. Eventually, we ended up eating at this place called Mimi's Cafee (sic), where we enjoyed the best meal ever and both wallowed in the blissful discovery of a fabulous new place to eat at all the time. Upon completion of lunch, we trekked over to the park, which was delightful. Then, instead of heading home when we got bored, I dragged Jadles to Downtown Dis and made him help me pick out powder at the high maintenance makeup store for about two hours. Next, we went to borders and I read magazines about shopping while he found a super-technical book about building tube amps that made him really excited and he kept interrupting my mindless glossy picture-gazing to jabber excitedly about something or other physics-related, which I greeted warmly with a blank and vacuous stare each time (I was using all my cognitive resources to eavesdrop on the conversation taking place at the table next to ours), much to his chagrin. Once the store closed and he purchased the book, I offered to buy him In 'N Out (you won't understand until you come visit), since he'd gallantly paid for my lunch and my chai drink. Luckily, he accepted, and we picked up some fabulous grilled cheeses and ate them with a bottle of blush (intriguingly called "white merlot") wine, which really classed up the joint a shitload.

On Sunday, I had to drag my ass out of bed and go to my professor's house so I could accidentally give her toddler a giant gash across the cheek, and also so the dog could repeatedly knock my pen out of my hand whilst I was attempting to understand what she wanted. After that ordeal, I talked on the phone to my mother, Stacey, Ashleigh, and Keith for no less than eight combined hours. Ostensibly, that is why my throat hurts today.

Anyway, I am getting sick of this adverb thing, plus I have to go back to my slavery, massa willnt' like it ifin i not finishin thiss manuscript soon.

With Love,

Don't It Feel Like Sunshine After All

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	friendly
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	beautiful
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Yeah I thought Jennifer was onto something. Why don't I have her linked? Wow, I'm a big fat tard.

I am in my tower and should sit here until two hours from now working on shit, but I am dying of thirst and don't have any cash to go get something out of a machine, and I'm kind of starving too and I kind of am probably just going to take my shit and head home and pretend like I can work with the tv on in the background.

I just got out of my class that so thoroughly kicked my ass last week. This week we all had to do presentations on various shit, and may I just say that I returned the ass-kicking favor my class paid me last week in triplicate. You know, in case the class needs a copy of the ass-kicking, and maybe they need another copy to turn in for tax purposes, or in case it loses one, whatever. Yes, on three different colors of paper.

So it went A. better than last week and B. actually pretty good overall, which reaffirmed my personally held belief that I am NOT a total retard when it comes to school-related shit in general. Whatever.

I got an email this mornign from the support staff basically threatening to kill me if I'm using the school's internet (which I am doing right now, snicker) without authorization. Something about my computer having been "hacked" and being bad. Whatever.

Oh blimey, I am so hungry I have to cut this off. I had nothing to say anyway.

No One Else Will Know That Part Of Me

I came home from The Office last night, around 9pm, got the mail that I hadn't gotten in like five days (there was a lot) and upon reaching my apartment found The Boyfriend holding The Cat who was ostensibly holding a gift-wrapped present in his Cat Arms and then JD informs me that Jyushin got me a present. How sweet and thoughtful of Jyushin! So I pick it up and it's shaped suspiciously like a cd and then I remember that the new Jimmy Eat World had come out yesterday. Yippee!

There's a song on it (and thus far I think the whole cd is a little GHEY, gimme a few more listens before that condemnation sticks, though....I like them exponentially better once I know all the words) called "23" talking about how this person's going to turn 23. Man, sometimes the sheer relevance of JEW music (ha, sitemeter, suck that one) to my own life makes me love them. Yeah, sometimes that overrides the gheyness. Are you reading between the lines? Sometimes the sheer relevance of a thing overrides my knee-jerking hate and forces me to love it. Stupid familiarity. Stupid understanding the processes that motivate my thoughts.

Also in the mail was the newest Cosmo. Sweet glorious God-like tits.

I just spent a way too long time closely reading this chapter on stuff that I secretly like (grammar acquisition) but can't admit to anyone here, because they don't want to talk to me about language or why it's cool here. And Raedy, I looked up my science writing grammar complaint from yesterday on a grammar site and because adverbs are so versatile you may grammatically use them anywhere in a sentence you choose, so technically it is NOT bad grammar to say, "Importantly, I scratched my balls more after viewing stimulus X than after viewing stimulus Y." However, I would continue to argue that it is stylistically nauseating. Though not incorrect.

I am drowing in how much shit I have to do in the coming weeks. Not kidding. Not playfully exaggerating like I did all last year and this summer. I. Am. Fucked. My genius plan to dig my way out of having to gradually run subjects isn't going to fly. I am saving the panic attacks for November 1, when I will inevitably find out that a submission got accepted and I have to give a talk with no data to speak of. Two different projects with two different coronaries brought on by needing subjects ASAP. Fuck.

Today, however, was the first day in a long time that I felt like I could consider an academic career and not want to bolt. Usually I try to think of what I'll be doing in seven or so years and I can't come up with anything. Academe is starting to seem slightly appealing to me. After all, I really like to sit in my literal tower and pass judgement on various things. Might as well get paid more to do it professionally. Errm, I guess.

Friday I have Big Plans with my friends. Yay. I love girly outings every now and then. I'm trying to talk them into seeing Team America (which i already saw) but I think some of the more staunchly offendable ones will not like it as much as me and B.
Oh well. I can just as happily sit through I Heart Huckabees again. Though the existential sex scene in that will still offend them. Since it's more like porking than anything else I've seen.

Oh, "porking," reminded me that I forgot to tell you that we got new neighbors. Underneath us. They are also undergrads, and if you can believe it, WORSE than the old ones. No pot smoking, but they had a loud and apparently VIOLENT party last weekend. And then I noticed that their living room window was smashed earlier this week. Nice. They had a yelling match with my other (nice) neighbors at 3am. Nice.

JD didn't have to go to work today because SoCal isn't equipped to handle weather, and we are actually having a shitload of it. It has been really raining, it stormed and winded and blew trees and shit over last night, my plants on the balcony were all akimbo this morning, most buildings are leaking and everything is flooding. Including Rickkkkenbaaaacker. Even the parking lot. So F that. I'm a little jealous, since I doubt it will be drained tomorrow, and that means no work for JD. Yay! 'Cept I have all this fucking bullshit to do before Friday night.

I'll manage. I guess. Shit sandwich.

Lovels like whoa.

Is A Part Of My Soul Asleep Today?

Is it stuck inside the dash with the shitty comp tapes?

Teresa's uterus is too small to carry two fetuses? And more ridiculously, you said that in the following way: "we all know that teresa's uterus is too small to carry two fetuses."

Thank you Passions, for always entertaining. Thank you delicious two hours of blissful nothing-doing that I am claiming this afternoon to watch Passions, eat fake chik'n nuggets, and enjoy the end of Something's Gotta Give on HBO. Other shitty movies I've watched, enraptured, lately? Oh, Alex & Emma. Yeah, I'm embarrassed for myself.

You know what I hate most about academic writing? that people think that saying the following is a good grammatical, academic structure: Importantly, children blah blahed in the blah blah condition, whereas they blahed less in blah.

They start actual sentences with the word "Importantly." Or even more stomach-turning, saying, "Of importance,"

VOMIT!! That is such bad Engrish

Sooooooooooo I am required by the funding agency to provide them with a year-long plan of what I intend to accomplish this year, which I drafted earlier today (while at court sitting on my ass, tee hee!) and was appalled at the sheer amount of shit I have going on this quarter alone. But it made me feel more like I have a reason to be freaking constantly out instead of feeling like I'm just inadequate. I have a great deal on my plate. A great deal of delightful bullshit.

Two good things today:

1. I think I figured out what to do with my seccind yerr progect that I was having fits over (because I thought I would be doing a really lengthy stupd data collection that would run into the early spring, leaving me totally FUCKED) that can revamp the study but still work within the parameters of getting all my data in two swift blows instead of breaking myself.

2. My mom emailed me and said that this loan that I've been trying to get since July finally went through, yay, the money is being sent to me now....so I can pay mom back and pay off my credit debt and get new tires for my car. So yippee.

I'm starting to worry about the election. Like, I am starting to have nervous fits over the idea of Kerry not winning. I don't care if he's kind of lame, vote for him, g.d it.

Whoa, a Jenga commercial just made me laugh out loud. WTF.

Ok I need to stop pretending like I'm not procrastinating.

Everything's Falling And I Am Included In That

I'm having a hard time seeing the humor in things that I know should be funny. I was on campus for 10 hours today but then hunger got the best of me and I came home, and ate some kettle corn and a nutri grain bar and now I feel like a sloth. Popcorn is like donuts for me, where I always think it'll be fun to eat but then once I'm done I feel kind of icky. Thanks a lot, movie theater part-time job.

My grandma is better and at home, she'll have something else in 6 weeks or so but she's fine. My mother (who, it turns out, really did hang up on my aunt) is managing to deny all responsibility while claiming that she's taken responsibility for her mistake and can do nothing more. Errgh.

I'm cold and it's been raining here for about a week, which is so bizzarro that I am trying to equate Bad Shit with Rain for peace of mind's sake.

I cant' shake this funk. I've never felt as completely insecure in what I'm doing in school as I have this past week, and I know all I need is some cheering up but it's not lasting as long as I need it to. Like, seeing a movie Friday that made me almost wet my pants laughing wore off on Saturday. errrrrghhhhhhhtttt

I'm just taking myself and my life too damn seriously these days. Fuck it. YES, FUCK IT.

Someone make me laugh, dammit. AW DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN! AWWW DAMN, DAMN AW

Von Liebe Und Tod

Yerrrm. I'm writing last week off as the lamest ever. In my mind my week starts on Friday night and runs through the following friday workday, so since this weekend was cool that means this coming week is going to be cool and everything has to get better because it spent so much time sucking last week.

So all that about my car and my class both fucking up and thanks to those of you who patiently reassured me that I'm not a retard and having to talk just for time-killing's sake is stupid and for saying you feel the same way sometimes even if you don't and for listeneing to all te whining, etc. and for those of you who commented, thanks.

Then Friday i get an email from my aunt in Chicago, my grandma is in the hospital, and has been since Tuesday. And she's had heart problems for years and has had a couple bypass surgeries and a couple heart attacks and stuff so when she had chest pain she went in and they found some blockages in some arteries or something and they needed to do something where they put "stints" in her arteries because she's not going to be able to have another bypass. So she had one on Tuesday and the email is brief but says she's doing ok and that my aunt will keep us posted (oh and it says that she'll try calling my mom about it this weekend). so I forward it to mom and Jenny since I dont knwo if they got it. And then I call Jenny. And cant' get her. So then when she calls me back we try to call grandma on 3way and we get transferred around by the nurses who finally say she's in a procedure and won't be in the same room when she gets out. So we give up for Friday cuz we think she'll be tired and stuff when she gets out.

So JD and I ditch reality and go to Disneyland, go see Team America: World Police at downtown disney (and for those of you who had mixed feelings about whether you should spend the money to see it, DO, because I have not laughed until I was crying and gasping for breath since the first time I saw super troopers, and it was fucking worth the occasional stupid gag or failed joke for the five or so scenes that had me in hysterics. you will like it) and then when we came out i had a voicemail from my aunt saying g.ma was in ICU friday night cuz her blood pressure had dipped really low during her procedure but she was ok and auntie would try to call me saturday.

So we go back into disneyland and I continue not dealing with anything.

And then Saturday JD and I slept an obscene amount and then I thought seriously about not getting out of my pajamas for the entire day, and then aroudn 6pm I checked my email.

and oh. my. god.

My MOTHER.

I have a series (6-7 emails) of progressively more pissed off email from her (why didn't she just call me? I have no idea) that start off being saccharinely concerned about g.ma's health and move toward righteous indignation bordering on rage that my aunt "didn't even have the decency" to call her directly about this.

Let me just interject that my aunt has a mental patient husband, a child with some kind of disorder that requires him to become other characters like "irish man" and "construction elephant," her sick MOTHER, her crazy bitch sister (my other aunt, dr. auntie), and then she's got work and her own problems plus she's probably the only one bothering to contact g.ma's extensive network of family and friends who care about her about every update and change in status, etc. She's got her own shit. My mother has NO right to be all pissed off at my aunt.

So I email her back through gritted teeth and point out that my aunt is busy and stressed and emailed me knowing I would dissipate it to all relevant Davis family members so she didn't have to go through the schpiel three different times....and i try to be sympathetic to her not knowing what's going on, but honeslty no one knows what's going on, and we're all confused.

So not 20 minutes late my aunt calls, and she's like, "hi, i jsut talked to your mom, i think she's mad at me"
SIIIIIIIIIGH.

I ask why and she says my mom was pissed that no one called her yet since this happened Tuesday and was trying to convey to my aunt that she doesnt' appreciate being slighted like this and then either my mom hung up on her or the line went dead.

SIIIIIIGH.

I apologize profusely to my aunt and tell her to ignore it and it's nothing personal, my mother is apparently crazy, and I will deal with it and she should not even worry about it (which she says she cant' do anyway because, oh yeah, her MOTHER is in the hospital and not doing great and she's trying to hold everything together so yeah, she's kind of all out of emotion anyway) and I feel like shit that my mother feels entitled to treat MY FAMILY (even if they're just her inlaws, this is the family that I acknowledge, certainly not my mom's side that I never had any contact with when I was little and don't care about now) like shit because things didn't happen like she thought they should have.

Urge to kill rising.

But my aunt is more worried about it stressing me out but I tell her repeatedly how incredibly used to this I sadly am, and how much of my mother's shit I have cleaned up in the last 10 years and how much I highly doubt my broken mother will ever not be broken, etc.

I love my aunt. She updated me and my g.ma was out of ICU but the 2nd procedure didnt' work so they have to do another but she can decide if she wants it or not, and she's going home for awhile in between, either Sunday or Monday, and gave me her new phone # and I said I was going to call Jenny and then call g.ma on 3way

So we did, and she sounded fucking great and alert and stuff and so excited to hear from us both at once, she didn't even know three way existed, etc. She was predictably annoyed that she had no clear indication of when she would find out when she was leaving the hospital and said she was "perfectly capable" of taking care of herself and sounded slightly indignant about this whole stupid hospitalization thingy. I love my grandma.

That was good and she sounds good and I'm going to talk to her later in the week, etc.

So today I'm supposed to talk to my mom and I cant' decide how to do it. Last time she pissed me off this bad I tried to tell her and she shut down and basically accused me of attacking her like I was telling her she shouldn't do to other people. She's so irrational I can't even understand the way her mind works. fuck.

I am pissed off, though, so I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from yelling at her. And then she's going to get all self-righteous about how she cares about grandma.....jesus I cant' wait for this phone call.

Then last night, I needed to get out of the house and we went to get Indian food and then delicious coldstone ice cream and then suddenly we decided to go see another movie, so we saw What the Bleep Do We Know, which is probably not so widely released, and that was pretty good too.

Yeah, so. Things have been getting better because they couldn't possibly get worse. I'm done feeling bad, this week just sucked. it wasnt' so bad individually, but it started cumulatively sucking.

Esca-laters

But When I Dream Of London I Can Only See Your Face

I am having a shitty ass day. Fuck, it's so lame.

And it's nothing major, I just have anxiety attacks about things that most of you would consider miniscule but are so vital to my successful functioning in graduate school that not being able to do them well sends me into fits of self-doubt. No, I'm serious. I get kind of tired of always being appraised by the faculty and of feeling pressure to be talking in classes for talking's sake, not because I have anything necessarily important to say. Literally, I lose sleep over stuff like that. Specifically about that. And it's a little childish, sure, but it's something that I feel strongly about and take very personally when people feel the need to "call me out on it," that if I have nothing meaningful to say I'm not going to fucking talk just to be filling my talking time quota, and if I have no interest in this particular topic it's really hard for me to come up with anything substantial to say, and yes I feel large amounts of Catholic-level guilt about it, but I just can't open my mouth to spew bullshit unless I feel like it's somewhat intelligent. And jesus, I feel like crying because it's a ridiculous thing to be fixated on but it really controls how well or poorly I feel I'm doing in grad school in any given week, and it's so tied up in so many things I don't have control over, and I feel like shit and yes it is a big deal to me. And I don't have any excuses, I just feel so deficient and I'm going to feel this way until I have a chance to "fix" it in class next week. I'm just so fucking tired of feeling pressure to say something just for hearing myself talk's sake. There's a guy in my class who does just that, and for the life of me I can't see how anyone could ever view that as being more engaged in the conversation, or interested in the material. The dumbest shit comes out of his mouth. Fuck, i'm just frustrated with myself and nothing stings more than having a professor say something like, "oh, do you not talk in class" to me offhandedly when I'm already acutely aware of its being a problem today and I can't dig mysefl out of feeling bad and then worried about it.

So it's more of a pathology for me than most people. But it makes me very aware of how lacking I am in the most basic of grad school related skills. And that makes me feel like I'm going to throw up for a few days. I'm seriously really really anxious.

I Am Such An Asshole

So, errrrr. My sincerest apologies to my silent reader Forgie who got wrongly and embarrassingly -Lizishly singled out for derision in my last post. Stupid hotmail filtering my stupid mail. Really, I am sorry and I'm glad you still read this and I'm glad you pointed out to me that I am retarded. Seriously. And it won't happen again. Hahahahaha

I just hauled ass to get an assignment done and mailed off before 9pm (which was six minutes ago). And thanks to the debate, I couldn't start it before 7:30, and that meant a scramblejamble effort. Man, it was the most boring chapter I've ever read. The most boring 197 page chapter I've ever read. And critiqued. And written discussion questions about. And am not prepared to discuss in class tomorrow.

I had an eventful day. Yesterday I was driving home from campus around 8:30pm or something, and my car had started sucking badly ont he way there. Like, when I would try to go after stopping completely it was hard to get it to go, no matter how hard I was stepping on the gas, and it never kicked in or anything, it was just like me forcing it to go. So, I, uhh, ignored this as long as possible, but on the way home from campus I not only had trouble getting my car to move on green lights, but also realized my dash lights were super dim, my headlights were ostensibly not casting any light ahead of me, and then my cd player started cutting out and then went totally dead and wouldn't come back on, and I realized that yes, there was a problem with the electrical system.

So then I got home and by the time I coasted (coasted) into the parking lot the service engine light was on and I was cackling like an idiot because I was such a driving hazard all the way home. And I did what anyone would do when they're me, and I called Keith in a panic and made him explain cars and how they work to me, and that made me feel better when he diagnosed in about two seconds my "textbook" case of a shot alternator and reassured me that it wouldn't be that expensive. Which is kind of what I thought anyway, but he pointed out that if the alternator was shit then even if I had a brand-new battery in it (which i just happened to have), that it woudl only be able to power my car for a total of about an hour or so. Which is about all I'd driven it since getting the new battery. Let's all take a second to be relieved that I hadn't driven to LA on Tuesday, that would have SUUUUUUUCKED.

But anyway, knowing what it was made me feel better. So then JD came home and we tried to figure out what to do about it, and basically he decided not to go to work today but I had class at 9:30 and couldn't miss it, so we ended up not getting up early enough to call AAA for a tow (plus the mechanic wasn't open until 9) so I said we coudl just sort it out after my class.

So after class (he had to drive me around all day too) I ballsily decided that probably the car would make it to the mechanic in Santa Ana that was maybe 6 miles from here, and that he coudl follow me and if worst case scenario i broke down on the way, no big deal, we could call AAA from there. Never in my life have I been so happy that my mother insists on paying for AAA (the Plus membership, no less) for me and Jenny.

So like a big fat retard I'm all "yeah it's lunch rush hour but let's fucking ford the river in our covered wagon and see what happens" (huh? Huh, stace, like my oregon trail reference?? huh????)

And we're driiiiving and there are sooooo many stoplights that we sit at, and after about the third one my car's not doing so well, but I'm still optimistic, but then we come up to a BIG. FAT. Intersection of two BIG. FAT. Arterial roads, and I pull up behind the suv in front of me and realize I coasted the last couple feet. So it's a red light and I try to restart it a few times, but it's making that ungodly "no juice, hahahah" clicking noise that dead batteries do. And it was soooo dead. And this is, like, rush hour bad traffic. Oh and it just happens to be in this construction area where four lanes of traffic are being funnelled over to the far right lane, where I'm stuck. So JD pushes it onto the sidewalk (it just happened to die right next to this construction gravel pit with all these bulldozers so we stuck it on the sidewalk on that little rampy thing that goes into a business or whatever) and he pulls his car up into the construction thing behind mine and we get out and I call AAA and then we hang tight for like 40 minutes. With people cussing and honking at each other about the surprise construction merging and I suppose at me for deliberately breaking down in their way right when they needed to get back to work after lunch and jeeze, aren't I such an asshole. yeah, fuck you, richies.

Then the tow guy comes. And he's like, "whasss the problem" and I tell him it's dead, it's the alternator, I know where I wanna go (oh btw JD called the mechanic in the morning and he was like expecting us all day. I love this guy). And we, with some herculean effort, get it on the flatbed (oh yeah it was a flatbed tow truck, totally cool!), and I get in the cab with him and JD is somewhere behind us. So then we're driving and I realize quickly that "oscar" is not a good driver. But he has a big truck so i figure we're fine. Then we get stopped at some more construction and it's for a substantial amount of time and he's yelling at his dispatcher and then, I shit you not, we start rolling slowly forward until we're precariously close to the BMW directly aheda of us and I cant' squelch the backseat driver in me and I kind of make this weird throat clearing noise and he slams the brake down two inches from the car in front of us and says, "Oh man, I fell asleep, thanks for waking me up in time!"

And he's serious.

So we careen through the streets after that and we are having the Strangest fucking conversation, and at one light he repeatedly stomps on the brake while we're waiting there like a fifteen year old boy would do and he thinks it's funny and this old man in a car next to us is looking up at me like we're crazy and then we get to the mechanic and he had to do some fancy maneuvering to get us over to where we needed to be and then he just basically took off. Free. I love AAA.

So this mechanic is named Carerra, and if you didn't know how nice he was you'd think he might be completely illegitimate, as he only does electrical and only takes cash. But he's an alternator expert and JD's gone to him before and I love him. And he was nice and moved other shit out of the way to get to my car ahead of his other shit, and said he would be working on it until 5:30 but if it wasn't done by then he'd have to get it to me tomorrow because he needed to watch the debate.

So we left and around 6 he said we coudl come get it, so I got him $140 in cash plus the $24 in cash I had in my wallet for the $163.61 he said it cost (that is $95 for an alternator and $60 for labor...he worked on it for like 4 hours) and he tried to give me a dollar back but I said he could keep the extra forty cents (I know, right?) and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He's so nice and fun.

And I love that it wasn't too expensive. And it's fine now. My car is tits again.

Oh except as we were waiting for the tow truck we realized that I badly badly need new tires. JD too. Errm. Shit.

But thanks for all your concern.

Oh and one more thing, we came home from the gym last night and were walking up to our apartment and JD says, strangely, "Jyushin, stay there honey" and I'm all "dont' say it like that it sounded like you were talking to him and he was outside" (as opposed to in the windowsill as usual)

So Jd doesn't answer until he's at the front door and he goes, "he IS outside"

So the cat, the big fat ass cat, was lazing his ass on the screen window in the dining room and ripped out the bottom, and climbed out onto this PRECARIOUS FUCKING FLOWER POT LEDGE that is NOT designed to hold a cat because it has BIG CIRCLE HOLES IN IT and it's FIFTEEN FEET IN THE AIR. And Jyushin is just sitting there, like, "yeah"

JD got him back inside, but I about had a retroactive heart attack. Anyway.
My computer is about to die of not having my power cord-ness, so I'll smell ya later.

It'll Be Just as Quiet When I Leave

Well. I am totally addicted to that Rachael Yamagata cd. That would be obvious to some of you through my latest post titles if you knew who the crap she was. Therefore, I WILL be making Jenny a comp cd, and anyone else who pipes up wanting one in the comments section. Unless that random dude who I mailed one to in, like, May, wants one, because I honestly sent him a cd and I never got so much as an acknowledgement that he received it. So, uhm, piss off, buddy. (sniffs indignantly)

Stacey, I received your 3:30am booty call text message the other night, it woke me from a turbulent slumber but my brain wasn't working enough to write you back. So I wrote you back yesterday. Which you may or may not have gotten. But I wrote that you should call me when you're not at work sometime. I have class tomorrow morning but then I'm free. Or Thursday, I have class until 4:30 but otherwise I'm free.

Everyone else, I have been screening your late-night booty calls to my cell. Unless you've woken me up from a dream and I think I'm answering the phone in my dream, which happened yesterday. And then did you really start talking about the weather? I may have made that up.

I had to drive to LA today. It was triple scary because B drove, and she's not a good driver, and it rained here last night and this morning so all the other LA drivers are freaking out. Oh and we missed every exit we needed all the way there and back. Which is so so lame when it's rush hour traffic.

And there were no kids. Surprise! But luckily, I dont' give a shit. When this gets rejected from a confirrence I want to go to in the spring, I will have no pressure to finish this, and I might not. Hmpf.

So the battery light on my dash came on the other day. And yesterday JD and I went to autozone and got a new battery after the woman tested mine and ostensibly said I needed to buy a new one. I honestly have no idea what she said, I wish i spoke more spanish. But JD put it in and everything seemed fine until I tried to drive here (campus) later this afternoon. And my car will go, but it's like I have the parking brake on (I don't) and it doesn't WANT to go. And the battery light never went off after we changed it yesterday. Anyone know anything about cars? Hmmmm? I don't want it to stall or something. Which is what it kind of felt like it wanted to do. Fuck. If I cant' get out of the parking garage tonight I'm going to cry. Also, if the repairs are expensive I'll cry.

Ok I have to go do actual stuff.

Your Falling At His Feet Isn't Lovely or Stunning Today

Here is a list of words that I have encountered in my reading for this week that I had to look up:

Monolithic
Ineluctable
Recuse
Ilk
Cadre
Auspice
Abnegate
Deontological
Dialectical
Philippics
Inimical
A Fortiori
Hortatory
Apostasies

Granted, some of these I kind of knew. But whew, those psychologists can really summon up the verbiage when they're heated about a controversy. My favorite is "philippic" which is misspelled as "phillippic" in the article I am reading.

When It Comes To You, I'm The Winner Of Cards I Can't Play

Soooooooo I had that dinner party last night. I am going to kill my "good" friend B, who didn't show up. Luckily I made JD go, because otherwise it would have been just me and everyone and their boyfriends. Not that I don't like them, and all, and oh was it ever nice to meet these boys that are potentially going to derail them from their academic prospects, but six hours was pushing it in my book. And to make it worse I didnt' feel like socializing. But it wasn't that bad, and I was terrified that JD would stick his nuts on the sliding door and make off color comments, but I had nothing to fear, as these people are WAY less out of line than you would expect them to be upon just meeting other people. It was hilarious. And I like them all better. Except for my friend who didn't go. She, I am a little pissed at.

But then this weekend has been nice anyway. I have more or less decided that from now on, weekends are mine and I'll have no part in any school-related bullshit while it's Saturday and Sunday. Thus, Saturday is intensive hang out with JD time and Sunday is alllllll miiiiiiiine. Yessss. Usually i end up slacking Sunday away and feeling bad about it, but by rearranging things so that I don't feel bad, I get a whole guilt-free day off. Yeeee!!

So that's that. That means more long hours in the office, which I am also totally fine with, as I love having an office and stuff. So I have a whole day to read nonacademic slop and get pedicures and shit if I so desire. To eat bon bons and catch up on the Real World, which I never see right when it airs. And yeah, that'll be great.

Did you all see Friday's debate? Yes, please watch the one on Wednesday. Oh please, pleasey please. I mean, if you dont' already know. Maybe Senator Kennedy can answer some more questions about the internets. Hahah

Leap

So, I am working again this morning on that project. I thought you guys deserved the opportunity to be just as snively as me, so click here if you need a good fucking tear-jerker.

Love you guys.

Spill Your Wine

Ok, two updates within llike five hours is lame even for me. But I'm sitting in my office and I am convinced that the rest of the building is deserted and the lights in here have a motion detector that keeps turning them off every 20 minutes or so, because I am not moving in an exaggerated enough fashion as I work at my desk (as I sit in my fucking tower) and it is freaking me out every time it happens. They shut off with this loud, silence-splitting "click" and everytime I whirl around to see who has snuck into my locked office and is going to kill me but turned the lights off first. Oh, and the last time I whirled around I slammed my knee into the side of my desk and, in grand over-caffeinated fashion, yelped and fell out of my chair and rolled around on the floor. Which also did not trigger the motion detector. So I got up and went over to the corner where the thing is and flapped my arms at it in a very pissed-off manner.

Oh, and I'm working on compiling statements about 9/11 for this project I'm doing. I'm not explaining it here, but I have spent the last four hours reading personal narratives about what happened and who died and last words and tragic coincidences and shit and I keep breaking down crying and that's adding to my freaked-out, there's-a-serial-killer-in-the-building feeling. Stupid attribution.

Anyway, this is slow going. And I am freaked out. And will be here for a couple more hours. Pooh.

We Are Bound By Symmetry

Lovely afternoon, isn't it? Yes, I complee agreetly.

So, I am in one of those moods where I love school and everything about it and feel really competent in my abilities and I know you guys think I'm like that all the time, conceit overflowing from the corners of my eyes and shit, but it's nice, so so so so so nice to be a second year. Fuck, it's nice. And I'm remembering what school means, and fuck if I don't love beinga grad student.

We had a meeting yesterday about this funding thing I'm on. That Raedy is also on at her institution, let's all clap for Raedy. *clap*

In the meeting they basically told us to spend money on shit that will make us better people. Well, you certainly don't have to tell me to spend someone else's money more than once. Consider it f-ing spent. My advisor pops up with, "hey, liz, there's a conference in new zealand this year that you and I should go to." I will shit my pants if this grant will pay for me to go to New Zealand for a conference. I will probably shit my pants every time this grant pays for anything at all, from photocopies to books to posters to etc. Plus I continually shit my pants knowing that I'm not TAing.

I'm wearing a t-shirt today that has a picture of a sad-looking pig holding a bouquet of flowers and the caption, "Please dont' eat me, I love you." Ok, some of you have seen me wear this shirt before. So I am walking across campus to a meeting I had at 1 and I pass a dude wearing the same shirt. I don't know if they make it for dudes now or what, but I about fell over. Since he and I were staring angrily at each other's chests I felt I had to lighten the mood (especially since he had his buddy with him and I can only kick one boy in the nuts at a time). So I'm all, "hey, I like your shirt, tee-hee" and he's like, "NO, I like YOUR shirt" but angrily, like I set out to wear this shirt and embarrass him. Like, "after you, ma'am." "No, after YOU" "No, I insist, after YOU"

I think we can all agree that this is s very girly t-shirt I am wearing. It looked all wrong on him, perhaps because he didn't have these fabulous boobs to stretch the pig out in all directions. I bet he wishes he had worn a push up bra today.

Then I'm in this meeting and one of the new faculty pops in, and I've met her about sixteen different times, so my prof introduces me to her again, and I'm introduced as an "exceptional" second year student. Oh and also in this meeting she finally gave back a draft of something and proudly announced that I am an "extremely strong writer," and that for some reason made my day. Oh, I remember why: Academic writing is hard to do because it's so unnatural. So that was a big fat compliment, especially since this is the first thing I've written that might matter.

Classes are going well, thanks for asking. They're both actually less intensive than I had feared. But there's a shitload of readings. Which is fine. Natch.

Let's see, what else? Oh I went and bought the new Bjork and a Rachael Yamagata cd last night. both awesome. Who wants comp cds? Ehh? Who's overdue for one? Hmmmmmm?

Sis, I called you Sunday and Monday and you are a douche for not returning my call. But I won't screen you if you call in the near future. I suppose.

I slept in until like 10:30 today. That was amazing. I love days that I don't have anything but meetings. I can dress like a total slob and instead of doing my hair can stick my sunglasses on m'head and call it even. God, I love this office. I can't wait for you guys all to come visit and see it!!! EEEEEE!!!

Ok, I have to actually get some actual work done. But I knwo how two of you love to read updates every day on here, so I try to oblige. Yes, I am very busy otherwise, but I love you guys so I update. *clears throat pointedly*

And Raedy I'll address your new comments in a while. I swearest.

I Can Sing Better Than Her With My Hands Tied Behind My Back

Actually, I bet I can do lots of things better than lots of people with my hands tied behind my back. Heh. I watch Jet Li movies. I got "moves." And stuff. Oh and I totally meant that in a sexual way too.

And I am referring to Ashleeeee Simpson. No DUH. (Fetch)

So. Before I move to addressing Raedy's thoughtful yet challenging comments/questions from the last post, i want to state again for the record that Dick Cheney is the most evil person on the planet. Though I sat with my mouth hanging open as he forfeited his turn to respond to the gay marriage thing. I guess they haven't figured out an appropriately partisan "hook" for him to use in response to queries about his gay daughter. I don't know who won tonight. Blah.

Ok, so, the reason I don't oft dabble in politick shit is because I grow quickly angry and bored with the whole of it, and I can't bear to expend the cognitive effort to keep up. Plus I'm lazy. Oh and usually I get so righteously indignant at people who are strongly in favor of something I disagree with that I have to distract myself with shiny objects or chocolate or something to avoid making a stink or otherwise "blindsiding" someone, god shield, in a public forum with my own, contrary, opinions about something.

Mostly though I just don't bother taking the time to know enough about their "issues" and "differences" to give a shit. And yes, I think partisan loyalty and bias are stupid, but in this election I cannot fathom a more evil possible administration, or one more in conflict with everything I value in my life and for my loved ones, so my mind was made up a long time ago. Not because of a deeply rooted desire to remain uneducated and happily oblivious and vote a straight democratic ticket, but because what I have noticed about the issues are so glaringly terrible, in my mind, that I don't even feel like I especially need to be convinced in the other direction. That is, I can hear someone say they want to amend the Constitution to include a ban on gay marriage, and as long as the other guy thinks anything else, I agree with him. I can see a MILLION women march on DC and stand up for our fucking reproductive rights and then hear Stacey gripe about her birth control getting more expensive and I don't give a shit what the other guy thinks, as long as it's not putting conservative bible thumping retards on the supreme court bench and passing abortion legislation under the table, I agree with him. There are lots of things to feel passionate about, but for christ's sake, you dont' really NEED more than one.

My little "rant" was inspired by the willful apathy of my own mother, who honestly is content to just let the world and civil rights come crashing down outside as long as she's safe in her hermit cave, who doesn't feel that there is even ONE major issue to feel stringly about, possibly because she doesn't know anyone in the military, has had her children, has no chance of falling even into the middle class tax bracket, already pays out the ass for health insurance, isn't corporate, isn't gay, doesn't NEED to care about anything.

That, and the fact that it characterizes MOST of Indiana, is what scares me.

I just said I'm totally uninformed about 98% of the issues. But I picked a couple to matter, the ones that I find most personally relevant. My problem is the unwillingness to put forth even THAT much effort, even enough to dick around online and try to find out what could polarize you.

Errgh.

Dont' do as I do, kids, do as I say.

So Raedy, in response to your questions:

1.) Yes, Cameron Diaz DID say that bit about rape. She was not coming across in general as very cogent during that interview. But she seemed like she was really worried that she wouldn't adequately convey the depth of her passion about hating the president so she got choked up a few times. Basically, what she was getting at (in a roundabout way) was that she thinks that, basically, women not having any say in what happens or doesn't happen to their bodies is like rape. Women not being allowed to exercise control over their own reproductive organs is like rape. So thus, basically, Bush's views oon abortion and women's health issues are comparable to rape. So if you're a woman, and you either vote for Bush or don't vote at all, you're saying you're cool with being raped. And if your'e a dude and you either vote for Bush or dont' vote, your'e also saying you're cool with women being violated/otherwise raped. but she just couldn't get that all into one coherent sound bite.

2.) You can reject your right to wear pants. I reject the wearing of ill-fitting pants. I also would like to move that we (the ladies) not be required to wear anything at all on the bottoms. Because I am not so great at wearing skirts. You, however, are welcome to not wear pants, or to wear pants. What I protested in the last post is not having the choice of wearing or not wearing pants. See? I just want to preserve my right to choose. Choose to wear or not wear pants, choose to abort or not abort unwanted unplanned pregnancies, choose to complete or drop out of graduate school. I wanna pick for myself. ME DO. MYself.

3.) that's right, I am a badass.

4.) Errmm. Extreme feminism, now, hurrrmmm. I dont' like to put such restrictions on myself and my self-expression like, "being able to define things I talk about." That seems so repressive. But, uh, Let's see. I suppose what I meant, and you could take it multiple ways, but what I meant was, to ME, it just seems logical that women should be allowed to choose things for themselves. I know that a lot of people would not automatically think that abortion=something we should wholeheartedly support, ok, but to me that's what I think. There are other things concerning women and women's rights that I (shamefully?) could care less about. Issues that I don't even pay attention to, even though they affect me directly just like abortion. But I realize that some other people, and probably a majority of all women in this country, pay more attention to that stuff because they find it personally relevant in a more compelling way, and perhaps by virtue of the issue being a gender one they are interested in learning about it and understanding it. I am somewhat limited in the extent of my gender issue interests. and in that sense, I'm a big fat hypocrite. But.

I said something about liberal tree huggers And something about extreme feminism. But basically I didnt' mean that Melissa is a tree-hugging liberal hippie, or that you are a feminazi, but that I am not passionate or inspired about, really, much beyond my g.d. right to have an abortion if I feel like it. So I guess I would be, if I am going to continue using wrong labels, "a psycho pro-choice nutjob" who's egging the cars of those people who come to college campuses with blown up photos of aborted fetuses. I mean, i would egg their cars if they were here.

So yeah Raedy you're definitely a feminist, where I am mildy interested in some issues that affect me and not at all in others, so I cant' really call myself the same. Which, I guess, means I am less liberal than I like to think. But whatever, I did not mean it to insult you. not that i think it did, though. right?

ok that's it for now.
more questions? aim at comments section

I'm Up For The Little White Lies

So, I discovered that my awesome window in my awesome office faces directly west. Yes, that's the sun setting, alright. It won't actually set for another hour or so, but that sure is a lot of bright sunshine in m'gawdammed face right now. I could pull the blinds, but I want to relish the fact that I have yet to turn the overhead lights on in this office since I moved in.

Grumble, what a long-ass day. I've been on campus for the last ten hours, actively doing stuff the whole time. My one personal goal for this quarter? I'm so glad you asked; it's Time Management. Like, compartmentalizing my life as best possible so I can hang out on campus and work while I'm here and get it all done before I go home to my non-academic non-stressful apartment with my delightful boyfriend and cat. And occasionally, I may have the chance to hang out with friends and shit. You know, outside of school.

Is it bad (in a socially retarded way) of me to not be able to conceal the intense dread (rather than sheer, squealy joy, as the rest of the lab apparently was feeling) when one of my professors too casually asked, "so what's everyone doing saturday night?" in our little meeting today? I mean, I couldn't really be like, "hanging out with my overworked boyfriend, as I do every Saturday night, without deviation," when she invited us all to a barbecue at her house. Her beach house. With her corporate banker husband and perfect two year old. yecch. I think the grimace on my face, that I was fighting to force into a weak smile, probably made her think I hate her. Truth is, I hate hanging out with the girls in that lab. I like them all as people and they're nice and smart. But. I just don't know as much about bikini waxing as they do. I can't keep up. It drains me. They make me feel really weirdly insecure. In a way that no other people do. Hmmm. So yee-haw, I am more or less required to hang out with them on Saturday. Not that it's necessarily bad. God, llisten to my bitching, I am such a skank. I just would rather lay around the apartment in my underwear and order pizza like usual. Maybe I can ask the gals about Revlon versus wet 'n wild lipstick brands. They would sure the fuck know.

My cohort's 1st departmental meeting went smoothly today. I was in charge of setting shit up. Which then became setting everything up, running across campus to get my power cord for the speaker who hadn't brought hers, setting up the projector and making it work when Retardo who volunteered to be the media guy this quarter didn't know how to turn on a mac, clean up, etc. sticking the pasta salad in the fridge. which i might have thought to grab before 5 so i could take it all home. Damn. Damn you, lab meeting.

Anygay. I hope you all in Indiana have registered. Today is your deadline. I know because my mom was pretending like she was going to register herself, and knew all about what she needed to do, but then pulled that uber-uninformed, "well, i just haven't been convinced yet that it's worthwhile to vote for Kerry instead of not voting for either of them." Newsflash, mom and all you other apathetic Indianaians: if you don't vote, it's not a big F-You to the politicians, the system, or the goddamn man. They would probably rather you DIDN'T vote, so they could continue ignoring you while campaigning.

Here's my problem with middle-aged women who are supporting Bush. Just because you're in a place in your life where you don't forsee yourself ever needing to have the option of an abortion, because you're married and have enough kids or whatever, doesn't mean other people won't need the option. It's so shortsighted, I think, the way people go about looking at issues. For christ's sake, my mom should vote for Kerry just because she was a stupid twenty-something once and her daughters have a whole decade before them to be stupid, and we should goddamn well be able to abort any egregious mistakes. Not that I ever personally would/could do that, ok, but I fucking absolutely think you or your mom or sister should be able to. If you are sitting there, unconvinced that anything in this year's election merits your attention, can't find an issue to be passionate about, if you need just one goddamn thing to make your mind up for you, it should be all the fucking civil rights rollbacks that have snuck by under your nose in the last four years. It should be the idea that your little sister, or your girlfriend, or your mom, could be raped to shit tonight on the way home and how your life would be different when she's not allowed to do anything about it.

My favorite thing the overzealous celebrities appearing on Oprah recently to encourage people to vote said was Cami Diaz saying, through stammered words and near-tears, the following: Well, yeah, I think if you're ok with rape, and you think everyone can be raped and that's not a problem, then go ahead and not vote, that's cool.

The Oprah audience, as you might expect, sat there with their fool mouths hanging open until one ofthe other, more people-friendly celebs jumped in and lightened the mood.

But seriously, folks. If you need a deciding factor. it shouldn't even have to be pointed out to you. It's not just abortion. In four more years I probably won't have the right to get an advanced degree, vote, or wear pants. I'm not a tree hugging liberal hippie either. I'm fairly (cringe) moderate on most things. But all the "maybe he did ok, kind of if you squint at it" aside, he is TRYING TO NEGATE THIRTY YEARS OF THE WOMEN'S MOVEMENT. And not just extremist feminism. The kind that seriously, seriously, affects you and the females you care about. Just think about your girlfriend getting raped and having to fucking have some rapist guy's baby.

It's not that every rape victim should abort their pregnancies. But to not be able to decide for yourself? That's fucking bullshit.

Sorry. Wait, no I'm not fucking sorry. You owe me and every woman in your life a fucking apology if you're not registered to vote.

Mais les yeux sont aveugles. Il faut chercher avec le couer.

I heart saturday. Got some cool shit for my office. Like, office supplies. Like a very necessary coffee maker. Hey, fuck you, it was totally cheap. Plus I have wanted to get a coffee maker for my office all year, but now I have a cool office and it's much more fun. Also I got some More of these expandable file folders that Target sells that are in different colors and patterns every time I go in there. I have like five but I'm addicted and they're so fricking cute I can't stop stuffing them full of papers.

Right now JD is cooking my all-time favorite lunch: mashed potatoes, corn, edamame, and buffalo wing fake chicken nuggets. Mmmmm.

I haven't gotten dressed yet, and unless we come up with something pressing to go do, which I doubt will happen, I may not get dressed at ALL. I made some collages of your pictures to decorate my office and various parts of the apartment. Hey ashleigh that reminds me can I PLEASE PLEASE have your doubles from when I was home? I don't even know what's on them but I really badly want more recent tangible photos. I hate digitial media sometimes.

Oh also at target yesterday we bought a printer, for SEVENTEEN dollars. I love it. It totally works. I needed a g.d. printer so bad. And we got a water filter that screws onto your faucet. Which came with coffee and a travel mug. Oh and a bunch of other shit. But it's the first of the month and the welfare check came in so we had to blow it all on bubblegum and trading cards, right?

I got through my first week with minimal scarring. Now that I know what's expected of me all year, I am fucking gearing up to rip this grad school thing a new asshole. In its face. Because it needs a new asshole in its face. I have decided that my motto for this year is going to be, "get used to it, Hitler" anytime I feel like complaining. Thus, when I get frustrated and want to slit my wrists, I will take deep breaths and say, "get used to it, hitler" to myself a few dozen times, and then my stress will melt away as I dissolve into giggle fits and everything is right in the world again.

Might go see the ballet tonight. Probably not. Might get some of my incredibly a lot reading done tonight, will probably shove that off to tomorrow morning. Monday is going to suck balls. But after Wednesday of next week I am basically on the weekend already. Sans reading and other responsibilities. But you know. It's cool.

So yeah. I escaped having to do any kind of prosocial introducing of speakers and schmoozing at lunch for the quarter. This time. Next time I'll probably get saddled with about sixteen people, but whatever. I looked at my course requirements and I only (after this quarter) have a couple things left to have to take. Mostly stats (i'm getting a minor) and then anything interesting, of course. Riiiiiight. Like I'm going to do extra work. Maybe I'll audit your interesting class, professors. God I am so excited to be done with this quarter. Next and spring don't actually look so bad. i should only be doing one or two labor-intensive CLASSES. Projects, as per always, are a different story.
Anyhoo.

Gotta jet! Photos on fotoblog (again) sometime soon. My cat won't stop being adorable. And there were new ones a week or so ago for those of you who aren't reading the comments

Those of you in the midwest: please please please register to vote. like, today. i think it's one of the last days. please please don't lame at me that you missed the deadline when disaster strikes again in november. Puhlease. Maybe Indiana doesn't have to be republican this year. come on. try. care bear stare or something.