I was gonna call it "Misoneism, or, you don't have to read this for it to serve as my closure"

I've been a busy girl. It's not even 3:30, my mom's awake and yes, pissed at me again for being up this late (yesterday it was 6am...I really should get to bed soon if I wanna try to fix this silly pattern). I'm going to have to make another list so I can do this as concisely as possible.

* Usually I don't make resolutions, but this year I have a whole pile of them.I would share them, but doesn't that seem to undermine the whole idea? I stick to guns better when people don't know about them.

* JD and I went to visit Dave Walsh last night after driving around and deciding to go see if he was working, which he was, and the night audit, which he no longer works, so we sat around with him until he gave us a hotel room and liquored us up and sent us off to do it for a few hours while he watched "State and Main" and I came crawling home just in time for my mom to scold me for being up so late.

*IMPORTANT:
Tomorrow we are going to "rally the troops" sometime in the afternoon to get our New Year's stuff together. It looks like we might end up at Jeremy's house, cookng and drinking and enjoying each other's company, but before that we have to go see a movie, any movie, because my mom has free passes that include concessions. Hmm. So keep your phones turned on for me to be calling your asses.

* I finished a letter today that I had decided to send. I folded it, addressed the envelope, even put a stamp on it, but I'm not going to send it after all. Keith's not going to read it anyway, so what's the point. It's time to let it go. This way I have everything I wanted to say to him all neatly organized, in the event of my untimely death or natural disaster (provided, of course, that the natural disaster doesn't destroy the letter--wouldn't that suck?). I don't know what made me change my mind. (Sanity? Reason?) There's something nice about knowing I got absolutely everything out with the intention of him reading it, and that it doesn't matter that he'll never read it...I know what it says, and it was for me anyway. So, for those of you who've had to listen to my whining and bitching and boo-hooing about this whole sorry mess, I am grateful. And sorry. And I am pretty sure it's been talked to death enough to have purged it from my system. We all know I would do anything I could to fix it, but since there's nothing I can do, I'm letting it go.

*Before I open that can of disgusting, slime-dripping nightcrawlers, I think I am going to bed. Sweet dreams. See ya'll tomorrow.

PORN PORN PORN
SMUT SMUT SMUT

All fucking day today, it seems. I bought a grab bag at Priscilla's. Well worth the 20 bucks. Included were: solid gold vibrator (seven inches!! reads the package), dental dam, fake slutty tattoos, a "sexy" razor (soon to be my Xmas present to Ash), naughty conversation hearts, and a vial of lube that Evan swore to Stacey is "liquid gold." Adding up to something like 35 bucks worth of stuff. Stacey and Toni and I are planning to return tomorrow so they can both get one.

Also, I came home to find this anonymous quote on my mom's screen saver. I like it. Very much. And I need to go to bed.

"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don't worry about this if we can honestly say that we would right them if we could."

I'm thisclose to not being sick anymore. That good news aside, I have been supressing a rant on here for far too long. However, I can't pick just one thing to focus on, as so many things have been irritating me recently. Instead, here's a fucking list:

Things that Piss Me Off That I Myself Have Been Doing:

* Getting continually, exponentially dumber since last year this time
* Staying awake until 4am
* Sleeping until early afternoon, dreaming lots but forgetting all of it
* Talking something to death, feeling better, talking same thing to death again two seconds later, feeling better, repeating ad nauseum
* Actually feeling guilty when my walking, talking eating disorder of an immediate family comments on either my seeming ability to drop "sixty pounds in a weekend" or my faux-ass nonsense bout with vegetarianism that is clearly a "weight-loss tactic"
* Wanting to punch someone I generally like in the face for implying recently that I was puking in the bathroom
* Let's get a few things straight, instead of me exploding in a few days: I have a healthy body image. I do not think I am fat. My family are the only ones who have ever thought I was "fat" or at least, are the only ones who have ever implied it to me. I do not wish to be the same size as either my mom or sister, I find it unsettling and unhealthy. My weight fluctuates predictably with my amount of exercise. More means I lose weight, less means I pack it back on. I understand this and do not obsess about it. I do not like red meat. I do not especially like any other kind of meat. I feel that a non-meat diet is best for me, at least at this point in my life. Other than that, I do not need to explain myslef eight thousand times to anyone whom I have already explained my reasons to. I do not care if you think they make sense or not. I am not asking YOU to adopt any of these habits, so back the fuck off. I do not weigh myself-ever. I do not care what I weigh. I believe, given the rampant risk of all sorts of cancers in my genetically disadvantaged family, that anything and everything I can do (not smoking, not eating shit, not drinking myself retarded, not skipping gyno appointments, not shying away from whatever test my mom thinks is necessary) to save myself a proverbial "world of hurt" later in life is a good idea.

* Obsessing about things I cannot change and should not fantasize about fixing.
*Wanting badly to visit Hammerhead's just to see how much walk there is in Erik's talk about "kicking JD's ass the next time he sees him"
* Being sick
*Lying on the "which muppet are you" test we all took a long ass time ago because I didn't want to be Fozzie like everyone else, which is what I actually got.(I said Kermit)
* Knowing things I wish I didn't, finding out that all my mean-spirited predictions about a certain person have not only come true, they've exceeded all my worst expectations.
* Being eternally optimistic about unreasonable things.
* Saying too much
* Not saying enough to a couple people who really deserved an explanation from me, about some things I wish I'd handled differently
* Feeling like I'm suffocating in Evansville
*Wishing I still lived in that house in Newburgh, with my cat Cleo, and my own room, and all the memories of my father
* Kicking myself for not yet having learned whatever lesson comes from losing people I care about repeatedly, violently, disappointingly, and knowing that this means I'll have to do it at least once more
* Writing things and tearing them up, deleting them, and otherwise preventing myself from making any real progress
*Realizing that closure is, unfortunately, a myth that no one ever gets


Things Other People Have Been Doing That Piss Me Off:


* Making me feel bad about myself (this can be blamed on one specific person who seems to be the root of all my unhappiness almost exclusively when I am in Evansville.)
* Writing poetry about things that don't need poetry written about them
* Being mad at me for eight months for something I didn't even know I was supposed to (or even allowed to) do that thusly didn't get done.
* Telling horror stories about people getting too drunk and then "talking"
* Pointing out what a bitch I am. And again. And Again. Yes, thank you, we're all quite aware.
* People thinking that for some reason or another, I am required to like them. Nope. No one EVER has to like anyone else.


Things That Have Helped:

* My mom
* My ridiculous optimism
* THe realization that closure is something I can find by myself, and that I don't need someone else to give it to me.
* Briefly, the fact that I predicted some of the worst of this months ago. It's nice to feel validated
* A sudden belief in responsibility, which has led me to accept a lot of the shit in my life I'd like to blame on other people. Also, it's helped me get enough distance to see this mess clearly.
* Knowing that I can write for hours and never send it.
* Stacey
*JD ( my fucking rock)


I'm actually tired.

So last night at IHOP, me and Ashleigh and Stacey and Toni made the tentative guest list for the impending New Year's (note the holiday change to give us more time) Party. Find yourself on it and then RSVP to one of us, please.

Ahem:
Ashleigh, Stacey, Liz, Toni, JD, Kyle, Jeremy, Dustin, Shane, Melissa, Chris, Nick, Amy, Janel, Aaron, Sk8er Boi, TCBY Girl, Ruth Hartke, Mr. Siebe, Our waiter, AKA "Biscuit," Jonathon from NKOTB, Legolas, Avril Levigne, Marci Campagna, Mrs. Cerling, Cathy Labhart, Mr. Gosh Flanders, Thundar the Barbarian, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Petey Pablo, Damon Wayans, Martin Lawrence and Tisha Campbell, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Dewey, Ryan Bernhardt ("lestat"), Katie Cassaro, Billy "no limit" Weingarten, Fox Crane, the Gemini Twins, LUDA, Missy, Dr. Phil, Jimmy Fallopian, Toni's friend Mike, Guy with arm sling with neato car bumpin' Rod Syewart music, Chris Harger, Tim Lockridge, Jaleel White, Nokia pretty boys behind us in the booth, Bisssssscuiiit's children, age 6 and 8--Mini Muffin and Toast, Chicken Snatch lady, Noah Wyle, Wyclef Jean, Yo Quiero Taco Bell Dog, the Hamburgler, Indianapolis' mayor Bart Peterson, Snoop Dogg, Snoop Dogg again, Mary Poppins, Jenny from the block, Triumph the insult comic dog, Buffy, Thom Yorke, Nelly, Ani DiFranco, Kieran Culkin, Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald-Crane, Parker Posey, the cast of Making the Band II, Dracula, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Oliver, Iron Chef Yammamoto, Lil' Kim, Gillette, Cher, Chris Crowley, Sylvia Browne, John Phillip Sousa, Teresa the slut from Cracker Barrel, Also Ott, Lamont, and Bonnie from Cracker Barrel, Beyonce and Jay-Z, Right Said Fred, Gandolf the WHITE (NOT Gandolf the grey), C-Nip, Tinky-B, Guido, Icy Bear, Tatiana Ali, Mr. T., the entire A-team, Liz's leftover pancakes, Kid A, Uncle Jackie, Walker Texas Ranger, La Femme Nikita, Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole's lezzy assistant, Jack Osbourne, The Ted Monster, Jan Terry, Wesley Willis, Mary-Kate but NOT Ashley Olsen, John Stamos, The Swedish Chef, Bronson Pinchot, Mike Reichert, Dave Walsh.


That is all. Please alert me to anyone I may have omitted accidentally.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

*I just peed for a SOLID MINUTE, thanks to the AWESOMEST MOVIE EVER
*The Two Towers is BADASS
*My clock says 3:33
* We had Roommate Xmas Party tonight, I cleaned up (we all did):
-another Sylvia Browne book
- the cookie jar I've been eyeing for what, years now? that's a lion that says "GETCHO HANDS OUT MY COOOKIE JAR ROOOOOOOAAAAARRR"
- this AWESOME thing Raedy made me that's a photo frame with spaces for multiple pictures, and she filled them all with pictures that she stole from my photo site, printed out, photoshopped together with all my favorite celebs, and captioned. Examples? Me teaching Britney how to dance, me in my hapkido regalia with Montel and SylviaBrowne, me at Lindsay Korman's (Teresa Lopez-Fitzgerald-Crane's real name) birthday party, me at a Dogstar concert, me with Crocodile Dundee, and me winking with an Oompah-Loompah on my lap (caption for that one? "liz helps out at the orphanage")

* I haven't slept more than 6 hours or so in the last two nights, thanks to this morning's bizarre sweat-soaking dizzy spell that woke me from my restless nightmarish non-dreams about being on MAKING THE BAND II with P. Diddy that left me perched next to the toilet for two FUCKING hours while my stomach kept being like "welp, ohhhkaaay let's throw up....Now! no, wait, no, wait , wait wait, wait for it" Over and over until I was just like "fuck that I'll just puke in my sleep" and laid back down. Plus puking would've really hurt my throat, which is the worst part as of today.

*I am out of money. Utterly broke. I called the bank today, and with the few presents I have yet to buy, the RETARDO grad school application fees, rent, and bills, I am OUT of money. Period. I don't think I have enough gas to get home.

*I think I'll come home Thursday

I am so fucking sick. Thank crap I dont' have any finals to be worrying about. For the last two days I've been hellaciously sinusy, and my throat is sore and dry and my nose is stuffy and I have a headache.

The Boy Meets World episode where Topanga kisses the boy from the art exhibit is on. This one always makes me sad.

I am so medicated. I woke up at 6 this morning, pissed off because I'd been having nightmarish non-dreams about being part of the Anna Nicole Christmas special (anyone else happen to see this? It was a nightmare) and couldn't go back to sleep. I read a Sylvia Browne book in its entirety and decided that either she instructed the creators of What Dreams May Come as to what the Other Side is like or there are some freakily similar views of the afterlife that I think make sense. I couldn't go back to sleep.

I am such a nerd. I feel so much like crap. I've watched eleventy hours of television today. I'm going to be pissed if I can't comfortably sit through the midnight Lord of the Rings tomorrow night. Fuck.
And Hanako came up with a huge pile of horseshit for me to do before I leave, so who knows when I'll be home now. One thing's for fucking sure, I'm not even thinking about coming to Evansville until I'm feeling better....nothing saps health like that stupid ass place

Anyway, I'm going to go alternate between fever and chills some more. Everyone who's already coming home, drive safe. See ya'll soon

So that stupid html was messing up my blog. It's gone now. Just make a note of the fact that I scored "Very High" in Narcissism. Hahaha, not TOO surprising.

I can't decide if I want to take a nap. I'm sleepy, it's late afternoon (ok, it's practically evening), I just drove all the way back from Louisville, I think my bed looks fantastic...ok, fine, I'll take one here in a minute.
Went down to Stacey's last night, after trying to decide if driving through a nasty snowstorm would be worth it. I wasn't going to go but then she was all "Ashleigh and I made your penis cake" and "I have new pictures to show you" and "the penis cake is carrrrrrrrottt cake" and "you haven't met Titters the Cat yet"
So I went. Chris crapped out on me so I made JD go, knowing that he'd have to be back here to work this evening at 5:30. The roads SUCKED from here to Columbus, and by "sucked" I mean were insanely bad and dangerous.

But we made it in three hours and immediately went to Joe's Crab Shack. And for some reason, there was no party atmosphere, there were no strobe lights or dancing music, there was nothing. Nothing but 13 inch tall tie-dye frozen drink fun (thanks, Stace!) and fish. I'm reminded AGAIN that I don't like fish. Except from the Irish Lion and Cracker Barrel.

So then me and JD and Ash and Stacey and Shane and Aaron and his date (I'm not sure of the name....Dewey?) sat around and ended up playing HOT AND BOTHERED, my ALL-TIME FAVORITE STUPID PARTY GAME, as per last year, and we added some more rules to make it more interesting. It's still more fun with a huge group of totally unwilling people, but I'm sure we'll find occasions to play it again this season.

And then we eventually went to sleep. And woke up and decided to go to Max and Erma's, which we did, and then Shane left for Eville and JD and I had to leave for Bton.

Fun stuff, huh?
Anyway. Count on more month-long birthday partying when I get home. Someone should have an Xmas party. And we should start planning it NOW

Awww yeaaah

That bastard red belt test is finally in the bag. And MAN I am exhausted, and completely covered in soreness, and I feel GREAT

It was an awesome test, as I got to work with JD (thank you Pat) which meant no half-assing anything or worrying about hurting each other and seeming wussy, which is my biggest fear when they pair me up with girls or other boys my size (cause yeah, boys my size are wussy)

I passed, woo-hoo. And with nothing but a mild headache to complain about. I thought my wrists were actually going to break OFF at one point in the test, but they're fine now, and I also thought my nose was broken (not JD's fault, there is this HUGE --he looks like the cave troll from Lord of the Rings--guy that the judges deliberately had try to waist tackle me---because the point is, clearly, to throw their dumb ass across the room for trying to tackle---and when he did so, he went flying but not until I managed to eat a knee or elbow or maybe the bulk of his torso coming at full speed with my nose) for a time, but the thing as a whole was fantastic, I felt like I did well and the girls who weren't testing that are my little clique there came to watch me and JD anyway and confirmed that it was an "awesome" test. And my judge had nice things to say. Fantastic.

I fucking LOVE this art, and I only wish I had more time to do more things....Melissa was talking last night about possibly taking the self-defense class, which is the best idea I've ever heard....every girl I know (and hell, every guy who thinks haymakers are good punches to throw) should be in this....it's so fucking rewarding, it's hard to believe.

I won't rant here. JD's the only one who listens to my hapkido rants anyway. But AHHH, JEEZE, it's so fucking fun. And painful, but in that character-building kind of way, not that crying-like-a-baby kind of way.

And we all went to the Irish Lion after (awesome restaurant, it's becoming a post-belt test tradition) so I've yet to clean the dried blood and sweat off me, so I guess I'll be doing that now.

Also, Mel's blog today is hilarious. Hahahahaha.
Does anyone wanna join a gym with me while we're all home for break? I fear I'll go insane with nothing to do with myself.

Anyway, thanks again to all of you lovelies who made my birthday "special." We'll all go get plastered when I'm home (next Wednesday, it seems)

So yesterday I wake up, go work on hapkido stuff only to find that while I don't feel hungover, I sure as fuck don't feel like aerobic activity, certainly not like jump spin kicks, and this realization that I couldn't have completed the red belt test if I'd wanted to yesterday certainly sobered me up hahahahahah

So anyway, I have a bit to obsess about, between my lack of being in shape and my sucky kicks, but it's more worry for me and how I'll feel afterwards than real concern that I won't pass the test. Although, knock on wood, you never know.

Then I took a shower, putzed around doing some homework, and we (me jd chris mel raedy) went to Red Lobster, where I had a raspberry margarita and remembered why I don't like seafood, but we had a good time. And then was the lab Christmas party, which was super lame but not as bad as I'd almost hoped it would be. And the highlight was that CHAR had made me a CAKE and not only was it a cake, it was a tiny little 3-D bear cake with extremely detailed icing fur and a face, and it sat upright. Cutest fucking thing ever, I think I'll take a picture of it. Ok, as floofy as she can be, she is just the sweetest person. I feel completely bad for the trillions of times I've said something mean about her.

And everyone there sang Happy Birthday, and that was overwhelmingly embarrassing, and we got out of there with a book of logic puzzles, hot sauce, and coke glasses. Hahahaha

Then came presents (actually, I'd been opening them periodically throughout the day): Raedy got me the smuttiest Britney calendar I've ever seen, a retardedly hard-looking puzzle of the capitol building, and puzzle glue. JD got me fuzzy pants I wanted and a Sylvia Browne book and perfume I also wanted. Mel got me a Courduroy book (I have the bear, and actually, I used to have the book and really missed it), a bridal magazine (because I am a freak), a tray and a bunch of nail polish (she was, fantastically, having a very nostalgic weekend, I think), and the Crossroads dvd. Hahahaha. Awesome.

And then later JD bought me Taco Bell. So sweet.

That's about it, I know this past week my blog has been super-boring, but as Chris and I are headed to Louisville this weekend, that should all change shortly. Oh, also, the more I think about it, the more I feel I need to put a disclaimer on those poems of JD's: they're not about ANYONE, but it seems like they could easily be about EVERYONE, so please know that they are NOT intended to be poking fun at ANYONE at all, no matter how many pairs of Sean John pants you happen to own. They are just BAD, stupid poems, as JD and I cannot stand poetry (that's because 98% of it is LAME) and were finding ways to amuse ourselves when we were bored the other night.

Yes, ok. Take that for what it's worth.

Good morning. Yes, it's my fucking 21st birthday. And it's going to be a busy day, that's for sure.
I've just woken up, and am now watching JD's Dim Mak vital point striking video with this crazy guy Earl Montague, so I can pick some pressure points to know for the red belt test. When it's done we're gonna go drill the jump kicks, as my jump back everythings suck pretty bad, and although I'll be exhausted by the time we get to those on the test and they'll probably suck anyway, I'd at least like to KNOW that I can do them well. And also today is the LAME lab Xmas party (7pm), my awesome birthday party (I think we're going to eat somewhere so we can all drink some more) and homework day from hell, but that can really wait. Also, I'll need to take a shower at some point, and as you can see I don't have time to do much of that before the stupid Xmas party.

So anyway, lemme tell you about yesterday.

I realized Friday that my license expired today, which meant that by the time I went Monday to renew it, it would have expired, which JD seemed to think woudl mean I needed my birth certificate and 80 proofs that I'm not a terrorist to get it back, and that was no good. I discovered online that the BMV is not open on Saturdays. Fuck. But there are a couple branches in Indy that were open, so I made JD go with me all the way there at asscrack o'clock yesterday morning. And wow, was it boring, and they made me take the driving written test again, this time with FIFTY questions, which while I cannot honestly say it was hard, it sure as shit was LONG, and I sure as fuck had no idea how many feet a semi would need to stop if going more than 55 mph. Anyway, I passed, and my picture looks like a monkey, it's hilarious, and we finally got out of there about a hlaf hour before the stupid place was supposed to close.

As we're pushing open the front doors, a woman who'd been chatty/friendly with me after the written test stopped us and the folowing dialogue ensued:

Her: Hey where you goin I'll pay you to take me to my hotel
Me: Well, I'm not from Indy so I wouldn't know where your hotel is
Her: It's on Shadeland
Me: Yeah, I don't know how to get there
Her: It's over by 70
Me: Well, we're actually going south
Her: Please, if you give me a ride I'll pay you, let me go inside and get change for this twenty
Me: Welp, I don't care, we can take you
Her: Oh thank you!
Me: As long as you're not going to try to kill us. Are you going to kill us?
Her: (laughing) No, no
Me: Promise? Ok then

Then this kindly old man gave me directions and she gave me five bucks, which bought me lunch, and she was this cute, 40 year old black woman who'd been there passing her truck driving license test or something, and she had a raspy voice and tightly curled hair with blond streaks in it, she was really a sweet person. She was talking the whole way about how excited she was to have passed this test, yack yack yack

Anyway, that was my good deed

So then I sat around all afternoon not getting shit done, trying to decide if I wanted to go out that night or not, and finally JD convinced me, and Mel and Chris went too, and we went to the Bluebird and it was pretty fucking fun. I couldn't stop grinning at the bouncer dude because it was like 12:30 when we got there, and he figured out why after having to check his watch for the date, and chuckled and sent me over to this girl so she could give me a "birthday card" which means I get in there and at Axis (booty club) free for the next 21 days. Fantastic. So we sat around and drank, me trying girly shit like Mai tais, tom collinses, and rum and cokes, and at some point Patrick (hapkido guy who manages at this, the coolest of all bars, as if there's any more need to revere Patrick) appeared and said Happy Birthday and offered me a shot, but I was all "mmm, I dooooonnn't knoooooow, maaaaaybe laaaater"

So then later I wouldn't say I was "drunk" but maybe "pleasantly unable to stop myself from saying whatever I felt like" and Jacki, Pat's preferred whipping girl, my idol, a blackbelt, and the nicest fucking person you'll meet in your life (not to mention most talented martial artist, cutest person, best sense of humor....in short she's just fantastic) who also works there as a bartender/tub girl said happy birthday as we were leaving when they closed and asked again about the shot thing, and I said sure, so she made shots of this "house special" stuff called Willie Hayes after some IU coach who freaked out and beat someone that tasted really good for all of us, and herself and Patrick too. That was fantastic, I don't know about shots, especially when she told us all the shit that was in it, but it was pretty fucking good. Ask Mel and Chris if you don't believe me.

Ok, so that was awesome, Pat got me and JD tickets to go see the midnight showing of Lord of the Rings next week, which is also awesome.

FANTASTIC. Now if I can just fucking pass my red belt test, write my fucking methods section, and finish the rest of my responsibilities, I'd be ok. Today is going to be kickass. Thanks already to the some of you who have sent me silly ecards and brthday wishes. I love you!!!

Time to go watch Dim Mak

HaHHHhHaaaKAKAKAKa

Who took my Friendship test as "Jared" (ironical@moron.com)? Hahahahah, aha ah ah aha ah ah hahahahahha hahaha
Good one, whoever did that. And you missed 5?!?! I mean, sure, 7 of them are trick questions, but come ON

I wanted to say that I LOVE snow, and that I wish it would snow forever and blanket the whole world in a nice white comforter of quietness and calm...nothing, absolutely nothing in the whole world is better than being the first person to tromp about in snow in the middle of the night when it's otherwise completely quiet and the stars are clearer than they've ever been before
Even though I was just taking the trash out, it was gorgeous. I LOVE December, I LOVE snow and weather and ice and I could live fairly blissfully without ever having another sticky July again

I have too much horseshit to do this evening to write much more, including unethically making up data for my survey project, writing a methods section, and getting to bed soon enough to stand a chance of waking up in time for yoga tomorrow morning, but I think if you haven't noticed yet, you should check out JD's blog with his, ahem, poetry on there. I was going to post some of mine as well but realized in the nick of time that they're just too inappropriate. enjoy JD's, they're better anyway. Try to read them with the image of him wearing ICP makeup talking into a microphone in your head, perhaps at some out-of-the-way coffee house

Har. I'd also like to remind you all that SUNDAY is my BIRTHDAY, not to mention my TWENTY-FIRST BIRTHDAY, so if you can't spare the time for a phone call, you can at least send me a nice sappy ecard expressing your undying love (Of course!) for me. And wish me luck, starting now, on Tuesday's mother of a red belt test.

Smooches

So, uhm, check out The Friendship Test over to the left. Take it, I beg you. Make me feel like I did something productive with my day. Oh, and if you think you'll score badly on it, use a fake name. They'll never know!

I don't know what it is about today, but I'm in a fantastic mood.

I went to reading group, spent most of the time correcting Hanako and her RA's about what they thought an article meant and said, found a problem with the actual method of the stupid thing and finally got Hanako to understand what I was saying; basically, that it was flawed and even though it's an article by my own mentor, it'a not good science (excusable because she was replicating another study to make different conclusions, unexcusable because they forgot part of the basic scientific method...although I am SURE that she has a good reason for it, and that Hanako just couldn't come up with a satisfying answer for me)

Now that's thinking like a scientist. Or grad student. Or professor.

this is the first day that a career teaching hasn't sounded repugnant to me. It's not that I wouldn't WANT to teach, I just think I would suck horribly at it. I don't explain things clearly, I'm impatient, I'm sarcastic and need constant feedback that they're listening or understanding, etc.

But then at hapkido club tonight, I somehow got put in charge of running a practice lower belt test, and I started thinking about TAing for it next semester, and how that doesn't seem so retarded anymore...I feel strongly that there aren't enough girl TAs, and (I actually don't think there are ANY) there aren't enough small people being like "ok, if they're way taller than you and this technique won't work, do ___ instead" or non-strong people being like "if they're forty times stronger than you, do ______ and they eat the floor"

I got a little self-righteous about it, really, when I realized that I'm to the point where
A. I'm good enough to think about doing this and never feel like I'm fucking up anyone's foundational learning.
B. I'm, for a girl, and an upper belt girl, "Very Good" (there are a lot of people --girls and boys---who outrank me but, how do I say this, don't bother training outside of the class? do you follow?)
C. If I were a beginning girl and a girl helped me out, I'd feel more confident that I could do _____
D. If I were a girl, just getting into this, and I saw a kickass girl, I'd feel more confident

You get the idea. And I'm busy as shit, sure, and depending on what class I'm helping, I'll get the shit beat out of me daily or I'll have to explain everything to the class, there's no middle ground. But it would be giving something back, and I'm to the point where belt tests don't scare me anymore and I feel confident in most things. I'm fucking Excited about the blackbelt test, about all you guys coming to watch me and JD beat the living crap out of one another, I'm excited to be as much better at the end of next summer as I have become in the last 9 months, if that makes sense. I REALLY like this stuff, it really works, and I'm going to cut this rant off now before I get up on the "all my girl friends need to learn at least a few of these anti-rape moves" soapbox. I finally feel like I could use this stuff if I had to, and while I'd never fucking want to try a gun defense, the rest of it has such fantastically practical applications that I wouldn't hesitate. Let this be a lesson to would-be rapists: you come at me with a knife, you lose an eye. To quote Patrick. See Liz's Photos

Enough there.

JD and I had a "Bad Poetry Writing" Contest last night, on a whim. He totally won. I have a sneaking feeling some of the better ones (and by "better" you should know that I mean "worse") might appear on his blog sometime soon. I won't start in on my "poetry is the single most lame thing in all of existence" rant here, because I fear I might offend some of the more sensitive readers. hahahaha aha ah aha ah ah

So who's coming to my month-long birthday party? I've claimed the remainder (after school's done) of the month of December for my birthday party, and also as a celebration of the fact that now we are ALL of age to do anything we please, ever. It's so weird. We're all still 15 and walking from my mom's house to Old Hickory in my mind. We're still breaking into people's houses and stealing vodka. We're still entitling our exploits things like "Wyld Stallions."

I really think a nice road trip is in order. I had such a good time at the Thanksgiving dinner, probably because I typically have a good time when I'm dressed as Nelly and singing Britney songs, but it was so nice to be around everyone.

I've had this one stupid lyric from an ICP song in my head allll fucking day, on constant repeat, and it goes, "there's no water, it's Faygo on tap, and i wash my hair and my hands and my buttcrack wit it, cause i can, cause i'm mad paid"

and after that I don't remember the words, and even those aren't really right, but oh well

So I promised a rant, and clearly this isn't it, but the more I think through what I want to bitch about, the more I realize that I have to be smarter than my first impulse, and I have to stop. It's a pity I can't get my archives to republish, I've said it all before.

I don't like to think of myself as a weak person, so I won't.

I almost forgot to mention that I got the grant I applied for a couple months ago, that's for my thesis...it pays for basically anything I could ever need, including binding the stupid thing once it's finished, and gives me a nice fat stipend I could definitely use. Awesome!

Also, as of this past week I am addicted to caffeine, as I have a raging headache that can't be caused by anything other than withdrawl.

I had an absolutely fantastic break, thanks to everyone who helped make it so amusing. I can't wait for the next couple weeks of pure crap to be over. I have to write my methods section, finish my grad school apps, do a stupid statistics project for a stupid methods class, do other crap for the same class, pass a red belt test (a RED BELT test, for crying out loud, how did I get this far this fast?), turn 21, attend lame-ass lab Xmas party, go climbing with hapkido club, go with Chris Daniels to visit Stacey, come home for my mom's recital on the 15th, pass hapkido skills test, come home early (or to Louisville) as I have NO finals to speak of, all my classes are bullshit HPER ones or have projects instead of finals.

Hahahaha, the more I think about it, the more awesome it is....this is the most stressful part of the semester and it's really not all that bad, I guess. There are some things to look forward to, like everything that comes after the belt test. Birthday stuff is always fun.

We've taken Mel's old room (JD's new technical room that's still empty)and all of us have put our Xmas shopping in there, and we're now calling it the present room, and it's ridiculously full of fantastically wrapped presents for everyone...for instance, Raedy wrapped one for each of her roommates and spelled out our names letter by letter on condoms. They look fantabulous.

I got bored for a few hours this week, and when I get bored I start thinking about stuff I don't want to think about, and thankfully before it got too serious Stacey called and we went with Chris, Mel, Janel and Austin to see Harry Potter, and then to IHOP.
Does anybody else think we need a nice group road trip? It came up at IHOP and there's a miniscule chance that JD can get his parents' timeshare for a week in December, so we could possibly all go somewhere. Stacey suggested Florida again, which would be fine with me. I'll keep you all posted on what happens with that.

Yesterday Stace and I went to the Indian buffet, to Goodwill, to WalMart, all the Evansville staples, and had a good long talk. I love you Stace, huge cartloads, you're fantastic. You always make me feel better, even when I don't realize I'm feeling bad in the first place.

OK, I'm getting a bit bored with these oh-so-factual updates, and I want to warn you all that I feel a rant coming on, probably today or tomorrow.

Hahahaha. I just remembered one of my all time favorite jokes:
Q: How do you get an elephant into a subway?
A: I don't know
Q: you take the "s" out of "sub" and the "f" out of "way"
A: (puzzled) but there's no "f" in "way"
Q: Thats right! there's no f-ing way!

HHAHAHAHAH HA Ha ahahaha ahah ah ah ah ......man oh man

Christ alive, I am bored.

Piss on today, piss on having absolutely nothing to do today. Piss right on its head, hahahahahahaha aha ah ah ah ahahahaha.
Everyone's busy or working or not in town, and I just knocked over the cat's water dish with these enormous pink slippers my mom got me that say "princess" and then walked in the water, so I am grumpy. Also, I have tried repeatedly to get some work done while I'm here and BORED and my mom doesn't have MICROSOFT WORD on her computer, only works, so I CAN'T.
So I can't do anything, I watched the Cutting Edge awhile ago, that's been the highlight. What a waste of a day. Oh fucking well.

And how is Oprah losing so much weight so fast? Where the fuck is the cat? Oh fuck I'm bored. Does ANYONE wanna go see a movie? Fuck. I'm so bored. I'm too bored to sleep. I'm going to have to find something to do.

First, happy Turkey Day to everyone. I love that it's already Thanksgiving break, and that soon we'll all (mostly) be home for three more weeks...I can't wait...

Last night was our annual group get-together, which went better than it has in years past, and was quite fun. We all (ok, we most) dressed up like famous singers, brought food, and did karaoke. I LOVE karaoke, but we really could have used Raedy there. You haven't lived until you hear her rendition of Mariah Carey's "emotions"

I went as Nelly, complete with unnecessary band-aid on my face and bling, and won best costume!!! WOOO!!!! Thanks to Stace and Ash for thinking up those awards, that was a cute idea. Stacey Toni and Ashleigh went as Hanson, JD and CHris went as Insane Clown Posse, and Dustin went as Mary-KAte and Ashley, hahahaha. Kyle was Enrique and Jeremy was JC Chavez from N'Sync

Awesome costumes, let me say.

So mom's asleep on the couch and food is cooking and I LOVE HOLIDAYS
I'm gonna see about nine hundred movies in the next couple days.

Good Golly this weekend was jam-packed with interesting things. But I don't really feel like typing, and I'll see you all soon enough, so here's a handy bulleted list:

*Friday I came home, mom and I watched a documentary on Roswell being excavated and talked about Sylvia Browne, she then told me THE CREEPIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD, WHICH I WILL HAPPILY SHARE WITH ANYONE WHO'S INTERESTED

*Later I went over to Andy's, for his Xmas party, where I discovered JD and Andy were almost finished with their "annual" shots of whiskey contest, much to my dismay. JD puked for almost two solid hours. I don't want to talk about it.

*Came home at 8am to go to the Carousel and Sears with mom. She got tired of being in Sears after about fifteen seconds and, giggling, half-ran half-power walked through the masses of holiday shoppers faster than you'd believe.

*Went to Long John Silvers (ick)

* Went to see James Bond (thanks, Troy!) that night, had to sit in the second row

* Sunday I hung out with Mike, we decided what Jenny might want for Xmas that we can pool money on, did other shopping for other people, went to Olive Garden.

*Drove home Sunday night and got a disturbing phone call from Raedy on the way hinting that some kind of shit had hit some kind of fan concerning the Melissa/Josh visit that was planned for the weekend. Worried for the next two hours about walking in and finding her with blackened eyes, casts, or scratches on her face. Vowed that if Slimeball had laid a violent or rapist hand on her that we'd make the trek to Northeastern Indiana to beat the living tar out of said slimeball, inviting entire hapkido club if necessary.

*Got home to find Mel, ok but upset about something, ready to tell her horrific story (which I know she's told Chris and Stacey) which, while I've been dissolving into uncontrollable laughter for most of the day, am thoroughly disgusted by (Josh) and WILL be inflicting physical damage if I ever see his Ass-Face. I think I'll be posting a detailed rendition of what happened, she said I could, but I'll wait and ask her again. For now, know that she's fine, but shaken, and we don't have to worry about him tricking her into being nice to him ever again.

*Mailed my North Carolina application today, am trying to do laundry and pack while I wait for my women's clinic doctor's appt. tomorrow morning which is the sole reason I'm not still in Evansville. Sigh.

*I'll be home tomorrow afternoon if anyone's up for doing something. If you call my cell and it's not on, you will get "Jessa's" voicemail; this is something that neither JD's sister nor I know how to fix, so lump it.

*What time is our shindig starting?

So I'm a big nerd when it comes to things like Sylvia Browne.

Mostly I can't believe how quick I am to swallow every single thing she says about anything, but more than that I WANT it all to be true. I want desperately for someone (and why not a psychic) to reassure me that we don't all just stop existing when our bodies die, which is my single biggest fear and something that's woken me up in a panic since I was little. I WANT to believe that we've all chosen this path for ourselves long before we were born into this body and it's mapped out with goals and obstacles we want to experience for ourselves, and that when we "die" we just return to "the other side"

I want to be reassured that people who are "gone" still watch over us, and that everyone I've cared dearly about in this life is somehow important to me throughout eternity. that makes a lot of things more manageable. Her book on dreams is comforting, because it explains the ones I was having weeks ago where I would run into someone and nothing would happen except we'd be nice to each other, and I know now that those were wish dreams, which have disappeared as I've stopped thinking about that person...I like the idea that we've all had past lives, and that your birthmarks are indicative of some injury you suffered in another life that your cells haven't forgotten yet...I like her predictions for the next 100 years, and that I'll be around to find out how many of them come true. (I especially like that she says the next few years are going to be horrific, as far as politics goes, but that there won't be a nuclear holocaust, and things will calm down in time)

Jeeze...I like that it all makes SENSE, and that I don't actually doubt for an instant that she's for real. She's gonna be on Montel next Wednesday too, so I advise everyone to watch it if you can...she's so unreal. Good lord, she blows my mind, and for some reason the things she says are SO comforting....I feel better this morning than I have in a long time, and that's really nice.

IN other news, I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday morning here, which means I'm going home tomorrow but having to come back up to do that and THEN coming back down for the rest of the week, so that sucks. Tonight's the hapkido award banquet thing, that'll be fun. For now, I need to go take a shower (BADLY) and think about finishing my personal statement. Gotta get that shit done, you know

Ok, so sorry to be all preachy to you guys, I just spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about Sylvia Browne yesterday (on Montel, and then I went to Borders and read her dream book, and then I went to her website) and I think she's absolutely fascinating, and readings with her are only $700, which is less than I thought, so we should all save up and get ourselves one. Dang, that would be fantastic.

anyway. Anyone coming home this weekend?

So I basically "took a week off" this past week, having slept most of the daylight hours away and skipping out on all the rest of my obligations, and managed to actually bore myself into wanting to be productive this coming week, as it is the last before Thanksgiving break (which is nine whole days for me, fantastically, since I have no real classes)

So I'm done being lazy? Is what I'm saying?

Went home Saturday for JD's mom's birthday, we had gotten her this retardo/cute white Boyd's Bear made to look like his body was a snowman, she LOVED it and that was great. We went out to Friday's, I got Jess (sister) a present while in the mall, we stuffed ourselves silly, and then went to Showplace Newburgh to see (and I'm not kidding, Toni can vouch for me here) Half-Past Dead, starring Ja Rule and Steven Seagal. Sigh.

But ok, it was a free dinner and a free movie, JD and I then stayed up watching "bio-Dome" on network tv (yeah I'm serious again) and came home this afternoon

I can't stop Xmas shopping, and Amazingly I'm nearly halfway through my list, and almost everyone is taken care of EXCEPT FOR MY SISTER because I CANT THINK OF ANYTHING TO GET HER AND SHE WONT GIVE ME IDEAS

But she promised, no, SWORE that she'd let me know later this week; we're going to have dinner

SO, let's all suck it up and get through this last shitty week and a half before break, I can't WAIT to see everyone, no matter what the dress code or dinner menu...I have got to find something productive to do with myself or I'll explode

I had the most fantastic weekend.

I went home Friday, knowing that people were actually going to be home (Stacey and Mel) and that I had plans for most of the boring stretches of time that usually get me pulling my hair out (like when my mom's asleep at 9 pm, or whatever). JD went too, and since I drove we stopped by my mom's first, and she wasn't home from work yet but Jenny and Mike were there (I didn't know Jenny was coming home). So that was cool, mom got home shortly after and we decided to order Chinese food, and we called JD's mom who was just getting off work and she caem over too, and then Jenny's friends Celeste and Mark Roberts (who she had come home to hang out with cuz Mark had a week off of Disney or something) showed up, and Mike and I went to pick up the food and then everyone sat around in the living room eating it, hahahahaha

Then Jenny and friends left, Mike left, and JD and his mom and I went shopping. We went to Best Buy (I so wish we had one here) and I got Xmas presents for Mel and Stacey, and a thing of blank cds to make for everyone. Then we went to Target, where I got Raedy's Xmas stuff, and Stacey called.

So then I went home, Stacey and Mel came over, I saw pictures of her FABULOUS wedding cake, we went over to Jeremy's, and we all played board games. And it was actually a lot of fun, Toni came over later, everyone was joking around, and Stacey and I were playing boob tag.

I got home around 4 or so and woke up fairly early-ish, called JD and made him come out to my mom's when I got out of the shower so we could find something to eat...and then I dragged him to the mall. Now, I was supposed to be getting a call from Mel in the afternoon so she, me, Stace, and Toni could go see 8 Mile when Stacey got back from going to see Kyle's photos on display in Owensboro. So to make a long story short, she TOTALLY called and I didn't hear the phone ringing...and I didn't think to check the missed calls until 90 minutes later. So, sorry to everyone, I kind of am a retard and I wish I would've seen you more:(

But anyway, JD and I are in the mall, bored after 45 seconds, and we walk past Helzberg Diamonds, where Beau works. He's there, and we go to say hi, and we end up in the store playing with rings for TWO HOURS. Unintentionally. And I found one I, heh, want. Beau made me try on this $15,500 rock for fun and practically every single engagement ring and diamond and then everything he thought was particularly ugly and so on. JD tried on a bunch of "pimp" "gangster" rings that would only fit on his pinky, and it was ugly.

SO I was taking this all in stride, joking around about things, talking about other people's engagements and rings, (mostly Lauren and Alicia) and then JD asks Beau a question about payment plans and I get hit with this wave of nausea and then BOOM JD's mom and sister show up, they just happen to be in the mall and they come over, JD's mom starts complimenting me on "my ring" I've picked out (ok, ok, there's one in particular that I happen to like a lot and didn't want to give back to Beau, but that DOESN'T mean it's "mine" or that it's affordable (the diamonds are colorless and internally flawless and yes, that's plural diamonds) or that I even WANT it, really) and this also adds to my being seasick.

Finally Beau is getting enough dirty looks from his co-workers that he admits he should stop playing around with us, and I need to not be looking at sparklies anyway, so we move on. And then JD gets a call form his friend Paul and he leaves, and I end up shopping with the girls for awhile longer. I get Jenny a present, find piles of stuff I want to get for JD, and realize I missed the phone call, probably when I was entranced by the biggest rock I've ever had on my person.

I LOVE Xmas time, I LOVE shopping for people, and I've done the math with my budget enough to know that I am in serious trouble once grad schools and bills are paid, but I can't help it, I LOVE spoiling people, especially my mom and sister, and I am not quite sure why that is. I don't give a shit about loans, so what if I have to pay them back. I'd rather be able to do nice things now than live my life in fear of debt. Plus, there's just so many good ideas that I can't help myself from acting on. Heh

I LOVE this time of year, and it's not even Thanksgvigin but MAN oh MAN I love this weather, the trees, the way the mall is already super-crowded and it WEEKS until holidays, the planning that goes into one of our little group events, the semester wrapping up, being COMPLETELY broke after I spend everything I have on oter people, MAN

I think someone fucked up when they put all the holidays that are awesome so close together. Thanksgiving, my birthday, Xmas, and then there's a stretch of MONTHS before anything cool (Valentines Day sucks, St. Patrick's Day sucks, nothing happens until 4th of July) happens again. That sucks. I love winter but I hate the bleakness of January and February. Maybe I mean I love fall.

ANYWAY, things were awesome, I went home and Mike called and we went to see The Ring, which might have been actually scary if I hadn't been sitting next to the dumbest guy in the world, who kept asking his date "What'd he say?" and not understanding the plot. I still curled up in a big Liz-Ball with my hands over my eyes for the majority of the movie, and despite some GLARING plot holes, I recommend. And then Mike and I went driving around talking about stuff, which was FANTASTIC, and something I hadn't even realized I really missed. I was expecting things to be at least a little strained between us, just cuz we haven't hung out just the two of us in forever, but I didn't really feel that way, and it was awesome. Awesome.

Came home, went to bed. In the morning I had to get up early to call the woman from Univ. of Chicago I want to work with, as per her request, and although I'd been dreading that for days, she did all the talking, LOVED that I have a double major in psy/cjus, and basically said she'll send me a huge package with things I need to know, I should read/learn it, and then let her know if I'm stil interested so she can bring me up there for a few days for a visit. Heh, awesome. She was super nice and made it sound like I'll have a good chance if I want it. And the more I think about schools in general, the less I'm freaking out about not getting in anywhere. Come on, how much stronger could my application really BE? I can't control it all now, I just have to do what I can.

Yep. Oh, also Saturday, before I went out with Mike, my mom and I had a fantastic talk about things we've never talked about before, and things that are looming on the horizon, like my probable engagement, and it was just amazing. I love all the people in my life so much....and sometimes I forget how much I like being with them, but I haven't had this fantastic of a weekend in recent memory. Thanks guys, you all kickass.

I'm done ranting. This morning I had a test at 9 so I woke up, went to it, came home, and slept until 2. Hahahahahahah, ahaha aha ha ah aha

Whew

OK, so FINALLY my Methods guy Mike wrote me back yesterday, he was predictably out of town at a conference, and said he'd be happy to write me a letter. THANK GOD

So that's my three, and they'll all be nice letters, but most importantly I have a stable base of three different professors who are ridiculously supportive and willing to help me with every single step along the way...it's actually very soothing. I wrote and distributed my lousy first attempt at a personal statement a couple days ago, and the project for today is to get packets of info for them together about me so they can write the best possible letter. Another of Mike's ideas, how fabulous.

And just today I feel very on top of things, I have 9 people scheduled to run in my thesis tonight, 6 more tomorrow, which will let me finish up Experiment 1 and get a quarter of the wat through Experiment 2, and I'm becoming constantly more optimistic about the future...one of the professors (from North Carolina) wrote me back this morning and was also, predictably, at a conference and sounded thrilled to hear from me, practically gushed about Linda, and made me feel oh-so-confident in my decision to only choose six schools. Now, Mike still thinks that's a risky idea, and I realize it is, but even if I get in nowhere, I can stay here for a year and bum around, JD can teach, and I don't think the world will end. Of course, school is my first choice, but whatver. Things work out the way they're supposed to.

Anyway, I am SUPER EXCITED about how helpful everyone involved with this is being, causing me to lament never bothering to talk to professors in the past...but still. It's really nice. And very good at de-stressing me. Usually. Then again, there's still the five billion things I need to do at all times, but I have a couple weeks still. Jeeze. That December 1st deadline is SO close.

I finished Glamorama, and oh DILLY it is a good book....oone of my favorites, probably my all-time Bret Easton Ellis favorite. And it is GRAPHIC, I'll warn you, including scenes of terrorism, a REALLY disturbing description of a plane crash, a two-boys-on-girl threesome, lots of oral sex, torture scenes, lots of torture scenes, etc. But it was GREAT. Highly recommend it. Yes, you can borrow it from me. I really like how all his characters tie in to all the different books...if you've read Rules of Attraction, this one's main character is a model named Victor, who Lauren was obsessing over in the other book, who went away to Europe or something and was a big dick to her. And of course, they run in the same social circles as Patrick Bateman

Anyway, yeah, now that I'm done reading that I'll actually have time to get stuff done. Wheeeee

We did sparring drills all last night at club and when I took the glove off I had busted all the little blood vessels under my skin between my pinky and fourth finger. It looks super cool, like I'm always bleeding, but it's internal. Ha.

Today I have a big fat chunk of time to do nothing, and then I have to go run my thesis at 6. Fantastic, I'll get a lot of things checked off my neurotic little list. And I'm coming home this weekend. I have plans Saturday night with Mike, but the rest of the time is up for grabs, so form an ordery line and we'll start penciling you in. Hahahahaha. Stacey, call me when you get in. Unless you want me calling your mom every five minutes annoying the crap out of her.

OK, so, enough stalling. Time to eat and shower and leave the house and be productive.

This weekend was fairly boring, it FLEW by in much less time than I'd hoped it would, which was annoying

The Hapkido Fall Seminar was Saturday, and 7 hours long, and we learned some cool things. Mostly though I struggled with my ridiculously girly emotional imbalance I had going on since Thursday, wherein I hated JD for no real reason for hours at a time. I tried to go get more pills at PLanned Parenthood last week and they wouldn't give them to me because my prescription expired (bullshit)

And from there I was continually pissed. Could it be because I needed those pills for yesterday and didn't have time to schedule an exam before then? God, I hate secretaries, all the ones in Bloomington minus a few select people are ASSHOLES

Started reading Glamorama, which is already pretty good, I like that all the characters tie in with all BEE's novels...so officially for Xmas I want good books, and piles of them. Ok?

I spent all day yesterday in the lab printing and filling out grad school apps...two of them are already sent and paid for, leaving me with just a handful of things left to do. Hopefully I'll get this all taken care of in the next few weeks

Sigh. I emailed the third letter-writer I'm asking, everyone cross your fingers he says yes, because if not I am in some shit

I have another huge pile of crap to do this week, I am growing quickly sick of always being busy....but the holidays are fast approaching!! Hooray!!

Ok, clearly I have nothing to say. Let's all email more about Thanksgiving, I find those brighten my day

So then when I went BACK to sleep this morning, after posting this subconscious projectile vomiting that makes SUCH OBVIOUS sense to me hours later, I had a continuance of that dream. Seriously.

These two fat police officers were getting back into their two enormous tan-colored SUVs outside my old house in Newburgh, parked on the street over by the mailboxes. this time I was aware that they were investigating a series of murders in my old neighborhood done by those same weird boys from the earlier dream sequence. Now, in this I could float around and be whomever I wanted, rather than being myself, which gave me the impression that I was dead or dying or something, probably those a-holes killed me while I was awake and typing the first half of the dream. (Dream continuity is a scaaaaaary motherfucking thing)

So I "was" this cop, and suddenly a large wild tiger stalked by, and I drove my SUV up into the driveway and over the bushes in front of the neighbors directly across from my old house and then around the far side of the duplex. Rounding the corner of the houses, I found that MANY more wild tigers and lions of all colors were running around, clearly having something to do with the bad guys being nearby. (Clearly).

Then (this has made me laugh hysterically all day) I saw a huge HOUSECAT with a normal-sized head and an extremely elongated cat body (we're talking something like eleven feet long) all puffed up and furry like it's pissed off or something, jumping gracefully down the hillside like some weird kind of deer. MAN, that was a weird creature.

Then I was riding my dirt bike down to the neighborhood behind mine back there (where Jeremy Roby used to live, and Andy Thompson, and Jay Cockrum) and I was having to ramp over all these obstacles, and in the middle of one I realized how silly it was that I'd gone back to this dream and then heard the phone ringing.

And then woke up

In other news, there's a mighty email train pulling out of the station with Thanksgiving plans in tow, check your email to find out more

Also, Chris is going to have to be out of my life for good in T-24 hours and counting, give or take 45 minutes.
He hasn't started packing his stuff yet, which is SO annoying

One of my professors (recommendation letter writer) told me it's a good idea to send a little tooting-my-own-horn email to professors I'm going to apply to work with to express my interest in the program and see if they're taking on students for next fall. And I did, and already MOST of them have written me back, been more than helpful about everything, and have made me WAY less worried about getting in (don't ask me why). My person from U of Chicago is trying to set up a time to CALL me and have a chat about things. Crazy, and I've been in the best mood all damn day because of it

Tonight JD and I went to Barnes and Noble and I read the new Glamour and the new In Vogue in their entirety, and there was something very nice and calming about blowing off any responsibilities I had for this evening. Tomorrow, however, is going to suck ass. Except for it being HALLOWEEN and Chris' last day as one of my (unofficial) roommates.

Anyway, I've done more than my share of updating for today and the rest of the calendar year, I think

Alright, I'm now convinced that too much MtV makes you crazy. I watched a couple hours of the slop last night and just woke up from this three-hour long you-go-back-to-it-even-if-you-wake-up-fifteen-times-during-the-night nightmare. And I mean I JUST woke up...I'm only even out of bed this early to try to make sure Raedy's awake so she can take the GRE this morning

OK, here's the dream:

At first I'm on vacation somewhere out west, somewhere that seems to include a hotel or casino type place but also has interesting things to do, like ice climb or snowboard or whatever. I know Mike and Keith are there, and the whole thing has the quality of the time the three of us went to Denver. Meaning for this part of the dream they're teasing me about something so I finally (I think I had the wrong shoes on) crack and agree that I'll go back to the hotel and change whatever it is that's disagreeable. I get there and our room's at the end of the hall. I leave the door unlocked while I'm putzing around, wondering why the relfection of myself includes perma-ho eye makeup (I happened to glance in the mirror in te dream--weird in itself---and I had dark black eye makeup all around my eyes but I remember thinking that it wouldn't come off last night so there was no point in trying anymore).

I putzed some more, taking a ridiculously long time to change shoes, and just as I was about to leave I turned to look out the window, standing by a bed. I heard the strangest muffled sound, like someone trying to talk through duct tape. I looked over to the bed, and saw that the covers were piled up so that someone could easily be hiding underneath. I yanked the blankets aside and found TWO people, wrapped so tightly in sheets they looked like mummies, under there. I freaked out and let them out, and called the police number on the hotel phone, who told me that it would be at least two months before they could come because I had just missed them the last time (cut to weird image of spokesperson girl for police wearing huge diamond ring around her neck repeating what they told me about it being two months)

So later I was telling the people I was there with, and they seemed to think it was not a big deal whatsoever, and that I was just being silly wondering how the bad guys had gotten in there in the first place, who they were, etc. JD and I were talking here and decided that they'd probably let themselves in the other people's unlocked room, attacked them, and then snuck them over to ours. Don't ask me why that made sense in the dream.

The middle of the dream is really blurry...I know that I figured out that the "bad guys" were two of boys who could change appearance instantly and reminded me of the guys from jackass...I remember encountering them in several different contexts, usually them appearing suddenly any time I was alone or almost alone and attacking me, which never really consisted of hurting me too bad, and me fighting them off as best I could. There was one weird scene where I was visiting my mom in her log cabin house that was nowhere near this hotel place, and her mother was there, and we were all having a nice jolly chat in a living room ,until I felt some danger....so I left them chatting obliviously in there about someone's terminal illness (it might have been oneof theirs) and went prowling around the house looking for the boys. I finally found them (they found me?) and we actually got into a scuffle this time, one of them choking me and shit...I remember beating the hell out of both of them, mostly because I was mad that they would come near my mom

So then I'm back in the casino type hotel and I've figured out that these boys are local kids, and that they play basketball for the university around here (even though they're both really short) so I go to the indoor basketball practice arena within the hotel and march myself up to the coach. The boys see me doing so and keep practicing but I know they're going to try to get away so I'm watching them. The coach I have to adress as "your honor" and he looks like brian dennehy crossed with that big white haired guy from coach

He listens to me more than i was hoping he would, when I tell him that I know who's responsible for all the attacks that have been happening, especially to me. He sits all the players down so I can show him the bad guys even though I've already given their names, and of course they're not there. I tell him this and he smirks at me like I'm an idiot and basically tells me to leave, even though it's clear that half the team isn't there.

I walk out of the gym into an empty hallway and realize I'm in trouble. I hear them saying more malicious things like headlines from a paper talking abotu how their crimes have escalated into murders and rapes and thngs, and in the dream I'm aware that this hasn't happened yet but is going to. I grab the nearest thing I can find, in this case the countertop and sink basin of a nearby waterfountain (yeah i don't know either) and chuck it over my head back into the gym to try to get some help. No one notices. Sure enough, they appear, and there's three of them now. The first two grab me and smack me around and I remember one telling me to kick him in the face as hard as I could as many times as I wanted because it didn't hurt, another letting me hit him, etc. The third one, who I soon realized was Eminem, beat the shit out of me and raped me (no, this wasn't extremely vivid or anything, I just got the impression afterward that this is what had happened) and then a group of my friends appeared and chased the boys away unintentionally. This group was all my girlfriends, and everyone was wearing peacoats. I was lying on the ground still, crying about what had just happened, and Ashleigh glared at me and called me a slut.

I got up to try to leave and discovered it was like trying to leave WalMart through the wrong doors, and that I was actually in some kind of super store trying to go out the wrong door with my face all bloody and my clothes a mess and me having to argue with the Wal Mart greeter, who I noticed at the same time I noticed I had that song from 8 Mile in my head was Eminem.

FUCKED UP, HUH?

No more Real World, Jackass, hapkido, etc. for me for a couple days. I'm going back to sleep

Hahahah

OH MAN

I am SICK to DEATH of thinking I can relaaaax for a couple days and then WHAM finding shit in my inbox that's like "Oh hey, Liz? And Raedy? Could you go ahead and do TWICE the amount of work you were already going to have to bust your asses to finish by next Monday? Thanks. And could you guys also redo some of the stuff you've already done on a digital (Degital, if you listen to Hanako) camera this time? Thanks." (Actually, no one says thanks ever)

Ok, we have NO TIME whatsoever to do ANY of this and I swear to crap they just DOUBLED the amount of kids they want for next Monday, and it's IMPOSSIBLE as is, and sometimes I just want to be like "Hey you know what, I am supposed to work for YOU 10 hours a week and I end up in here and stressing out for WAY MORE TIME in any given week than I do over ANYTHING else, so can you SHOVE this the fuck up your ass and get out of my face? Thanks."

And I have SO MUCH stuff to do, just this fucking week....so many errands and so much stuff for grad schools....oh and get this, I found someone else I want to work with at HARVARD, hahahaha, HARVARD, hahah, I can't even type it without dissolving into giggles at how big a waste that $80 application fee is going to be...I have EIGHT TRILLION little things that HAVE TO get done this week for ME, aside from my thesis or hapkido or the lab, and it's REALLY IRRITATING to NEVER FUCKING FEEL ON TOP OF THINGS EVEN WHEN I AM WAY THE FUCK AHEAD OF WHERE I NEED TO BE RIGHT NOW

Jeeze

It never fucking ends, is all I'm saying....it's not even "homework" type stuff, I'm a pro at juggling assignments, it's all this HUGE stressful shit that I don't see time to deal with....things like writing a sissy little note to all the professors I'd like to work with telling them about my interest and asking them questions, things like collecting and filling out all the freaking eight-part applications, some of which are due in a FEW WEEKS, things like writing a personal statement I couldn't be less motivated to do, things that are STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT

AARGAHRGHHAH

Alright

It's been a fantastic 48 hours, although I'm now extremely bored and sick of waiting for JD to get off work tonight. I thought about driving to Louisville this morning to see Stace but decided that I had too much to do .....hahah, I'm kicking myself now

So the belt test went well, I can't complain....it was better than it was bad, and I didn't get hurt. I DID bruise the fuck out of my partner's shin on the very first kick defense, which left a nasty purple spot on my kneecap, but otherwise, it went well. I know what I need to improve

I asked one of my people for a recommendation yesterday, and the meeting went surprisingly well and she said sure, and gave me a bunch of advice for other stuff having to do with grad school. I'm starting to feel worse and worse about wanting to go away to school when JD desperately wants to teach here and they'd love to have him....maybe I won't be too torn up if I don't get in anywhere at all

I'm sure it'll all work out for the best, whatever happens

So yeah, nothing much happening here. A bunch of us went out to dinner after the belt test, and OH the highlight was when it was all over, Patrick (see photo) the extremely encouraging (adjectives like "pheNOMenal" and "out STANDing" are all he knows) and extremely funny (can place any of JD or my retardo vague references to any vague comedy sketch troupe, can then recite more specific sketches than either of us, thinks the "Hey, did you get your tickets" joke is funny, even added the HILARIOUS "click click boom" sound effects at the end (while flexing and then extending his bicep, obviously) to make the joke all that more hilarious) instructor who teaches both my advanced class and most of club, came over to me, looked me square in the eye and shook my hand, saying enthusiastically "good test, really good test....nice job, that was a GOOD test" even though he hadn't been my judge, and in fact was judging the temp test across the room. That made me feel fantastical about what I considered a middling performance at best.

OK, so the highlights of the test:

*JD having Yuvall pointing a gun at him and saying "gimme yer wallet" to which JD replied "I don't have a wallet, sir, I'm dressed in martial arts attire"

* Yuvall doing kick defenses to JD's kicking and JD throwing in a thunder kick, which Yuvall accidentally caught in mid-air, powerbombing JD's neck and head into the ground from a height of at least 6 feet.

* Me and JD being the ONLY people in the group of 6 testers to sufficiently clear the obstacle we were supposed to dive roll over without touching it or flomping onto it or crashing headfirst into the ground on the far side of it

* Mr. Burns seeing the GIGANTIC knot that swelled up on Lindsay's (my partner) shin moments after my knee connected with her and calling me "vicious" while shaking his head and chuckling to himself

* My second knife defense, which went flying into the wall behind us, where my friend Brian was sitting watching the test (he very nearly got hit in the face)

And so on. I don't remember the rest, but I feel bad ASS now that I have a nice shiny new belt. Red belt, December, here I come, heh ehe he he

So I wrote my infernal intro today, in something like four solid hours, and it's the absolute worst thing I've ever churned out, and I know it's terrible, and it's already 4000 words and I've only talked about a third of the stuff I need to, and it's basically half paper half outline half plagerize, and I know Dr. Smith's going to kill me.

Sigh. I couldn't stop myself from sending it to her in this extremely rough phase kind of just to see what she does with it.

So I go to club tonight, and JD and I are working on some basic things we want to run through a final thousand times before the test tomorrow, and we're doing gun defenses, and horsing around (he's pointing the gun at my head and saying things like "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again") and then we're scrabbling over the gun and SOMEHOW I step my leg behind me, kicking his foot with my heel in the process, and BREAK HIS TOENAIL OFF

Completely. It started bleeding immediately, and I was giving him this quizzical "what's wrong with you" look because he stopped doing the serial killer voice, and finally I looked at his foot and JESUS CHRIST

Oh man it's gross, and what's worse, it's clearly quite painful, and I didn't even feel it happen...I didn't even realize I had kicked him....and to make things worse, this is his pseudo-broken toe, and both his knees are killing him, and now his shoulder and hip aren't working right either. I suck, and I feel REALLY bad....it's the night before the goddamn test for crying out loud

Fuck, you know? Just FUCK

We just went through an ordeal in the bathroom with me pouring capfuls of hydrogen peroxide over it and cringing as it bubbled and fizzled everywhere...I feel like a domestic abuser

Well, now at least I can't complain about feeling tired or nauseous or anything during the test, since JD is FALLING APART and is testing

hahaha, I guess the inflictor is allowed to tend the wounds every now and then

You're anakin. Congratulations.
You are the one who is destined to
bring balance to the force, Whatever the hell that means. Until
that time comes, however, you're happy
just being a really annoying and angsty teenager. Yeah, you might
end up being all kinds of awesome
once you're Darth Vader, but just cool it for now- you're likely
to make many more enemies being the
shithole Hayden Christiansen portrays you as.



Which Sith Lord are you? go to:the quiz!




Which Middle Earth race are you? go to:the quiz!



Which Soviet Leader are you? go to:the quiz!


What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

Yeah, that's right, I should be writing my thesis

OK, so once again I'd like to call everyone's attention to the fact that I have added some new (old) pictures to my photo thing, and done a little reorganizing, so now you can look at photos by category. I suggest using the "slideshow" feature for some real nerd fun.

This week is already shaping up to be extremely terrible or extremely kickass. Brown belt test Thursday, which is the major stressor...although I'm prepared and not really nervous about the test, I am worried very much about making it to the end of the test.

This weekend I vowed to do a bunch of important stuff for graduate school and for my thesis, I did none of it, choosing instead to laze around endlessly and eat myself into several comas

I think you'll find me to be in a much better mood after this week is finished. This is the time where I have to grow balls and ask for recommendation letters if I ever expect to have them in time to send out, and NOTHING about applying to grad school terrifies me quite like asking for letters, and it's really not because I don't deserve them, but because I feel like an ass marching up to people I respect and asking. I feel "schmucky" about it.

Anyway, I also have my thesis class to dread, which I had happily forgotten about until just now, in which I'll have to explain my method to a large group of hoity psych majors who erroneously think that by ripping into someone else's method, they are saving theirs from scientific scrutiny. Sigh.

I'm sensing a need for an extended visit to Louisville, heh heh. Don't know when the crap there will be time for that, and mother father, it's nearly Thanksgiving. Where did the semester go? Or at least, it's nearly Halloween.
Hahahahahahaha

I think I'll be around more when I get my freaking introduction finished, if ever I start on it. It's due a week from Tuesday but I have to have it done in a couple days so Dr. Smith can approve it before she disappears to some weird conference for a week...and I turned my grant proposal in last Friday, and I'm on top of the rest of the application procedure, so at least I still feel good about that.

So basically, this week consists of the three most stressful things I have to do all semester: write my thesis intro (the bulk of the theoretical part of the paper), ask for letters and pass a brown belt test. Piss.

Alright though, it's nothing I can't handle. Riiiiight

I don't even have anything uninteresting to talk about. I should be doing cardio stuff right now, but I got another violent case of the lazies right about when I was getting ready to go and decided that spending fifteen hours messing with those stupid photos was in itself a workout.

I miss everyone. I feel like I am very isolated and very boring, and that we all don't see each other nearly enough, and that if there is any general feeling of wanting to have some kind of thanksgiving get together, I would LOVE to hear something about it via email.

And that reminds me: Are we still going to Vegas or what? I wrote a big email that went COMPLETELY unanswered by EVERYONE I sent it to, so if no one else wants to go anymore let me KNOW so I can make alternate plans (like going BACK to Disneyworld), ok? Please?

Yeah, so I SHOULD go rinse the thin film of lazy off of myself and get to work on something. I've been tired for months, and it's starting to really bug me...I think there's something actually wrong with me...or maybe it's just burning out on everything in the whole world.

I went and saw Austin Powers Friday, and it was funny enough to cost 2 bucks. And JD and I got the Care Bears movie and watched it last night. Awesome weekend, even though I did NOTHING AT ALL and will PAY THROUGH THE NOSE for it later on this week.

Anyway, I'm going to go shower, or rearrange things, or putz
I need something interesting to happen

So I'm kind of a sap sometimes. Oh well.

Things are going swimmingly over here, I have decided that I can and will have everything stressful taken care of in the next two weeks, so keep a sharp eye out for Liz's TBA meltdown that will probably come along with that. I feel on top of everything at once, and that's just fantastic. Turns out grad school applications are going to cost me about 100 bucks less than I thought, which is awesome.And my thesis class met yesterday and I now feel like I'm very ahead of the rest of them and very on track to actually get this finished.

Mhmm, today's going to be me dicking around n the lab until I can run people in my thesis and then hauling ass to get to club, which is delightful free practice, and then going to "do some cardio" so I don't pass out during the test next week, and then coming home and sitting around and going to the grocery and such

No, not exciting. Why on earth do I even have a blog? I have no fucking clue either

I'm wanting to pour my heart out here instead of the small talky stuff, and rant about all the things I felt all weekend about all the people I thought about, but at the same time it's not thought-out enough to be public, and it won't be made any less a big deal to me by talking about it.
I realize things about how warped certain memories of mine are from time to time, and it naturally upsets me and my weird balance, and it takes me a few days to deal fully with them. This time it's got a lot to do with my father, and suffice it to say that I'm better understanding WHY I wait until it's far too late to start saying the things I'm feeling and then scramble to make up the ground and fix things...and not to be melodramaculous, here or ever, but I think about my father, and I think about how the world seems to be ending around us, in our lifetimes, and how Stacey writes an email on Sept. 11th saying she loves everybody, and I wonder why we don't all tell the people we love how we feel more often. I can't Shake this preoccupation with the fleeting quality of life, and I can't make anyone else see it as being as big a deal as I do, and I never want to feel again like I SHOULD HAVE tried to express something to someone I loved harder before it was too late. What's the point in waiting...what if tomorrow never comes? I'm not sure how I can make this relevant to people who have never actually lost someone (I mean lost for good, not the kind of quixotic "lost" that fuels middling poems and acoustic guitar songs), or if it will ever really matter until that loss
happens, but

The point is this: there are things that need to be said for all of us to find peace in our lives, and no one can make that a big deal until it clicks into place for YOU, but take it from me that there is no greater pain than regretting NOT having said what you needed to a person you care/d about before it's too late and you have a whole lifetime to be haunted by it.

and maybe that makes me too quick to speak my mind to people who don't care to hear it these days, but I'll take the years of measured silence knowing Keith can hear me if he wants to over coming around and getting over whatever hurt or anger at being left I felt as a 12 year old kid just in time to realize that it was too late any day


I have a lot of things to deal with yet about the loss of my father, and the 8 years that he was sick and the things I didn't say and hate myself now for, and my need to be the one leaving, and the one who can't open herself up to anyone for fear of being that vulnerable and that empty-handed and that fraction of a moment too late ever again...

I am suddenly aware of what a bad place I'm in for writing this and that i need something else entirely

Going home for the weekend. Anyone cool going to be in town?

Everything's comin' up Milhouse

OK, sometimes no one but my sister gets it.

It's taken me a long ass time to realize that she's been through everything I have, involving family, and that she's also happened to have gone through just about everything else I ever have. We talk about it, it's creepy. I'm not going into detail. Suffice it to say that she understands where I am now regarding certain relationships and I understand her situation as well.

Sometimes it's really hard not to feel like everything is completely out of my hands. Like no amount of random chance or genetics or environment could ever make us so parallel to one another, and that it has to be something bigger than that...

I've just been thinking too often about death these days.

Anyway, I'm grateful I have someone who knows what to tell me when everyone else can only say "that must be hard"

"I won't bore you with the insipid realization that the greatest emotional trespasses are only solved in dreams, and that waking to reality is painful because that notion hits you faster than your consciousness."

Right on, Shane. I've had that same feeling every fucking morning for the past 7 months. They're the most boring dreams ever, with nothing at all happening except things that will never happen for me in waking life. There's no sex, or violence (usually) or fear or running away or falling or being chased by anything, there's nothing but this vague feeling of things being right and usually a brief conversation that ends up meaning the world. I wish I knew a way to make them stop...and not because the dreams are unpleasant, but because I can't stand waking up from them every damn day, knowing that I'll have the same one again that next night. I'm tired all the time because of it. And they don't stop.

And the worst part is remembering them all.

I've been jonesing for a journal all damn day, and I have one, and I can see it, but I don't feel like it. I just feel like wanting an outlet and not finding one and harumphing around in that kind of mood

I open my Dove Dark Chocolate Promise to find this written on the inside of the label: "Music touches feelings that words cannot"

A fucking men to that. How many times have I wanted to compile a list of cds or songs to communicate with a person rather than having to talk things out? I get dumb when I talk, and I used to think that writing was the saving grace for me, that I could write and make sense when I write, at least when about something I find inspiring, and even that is seeming to be gone now. So I can't make sense even to myself, and I sure as shit can't make my point to other people, and wouldn't it be better if I could make comp cds of what I wanted to say to people I can't get through to and mail them off? what a brilliant, stupid idea, liz

Just to get the mood I'm in when I'm writing to them across, you know, to try to get rid of some of that annoying online ambiguity that pops up any time anyone wants to talk about anything deep, that i-can't-tell-if-you're-kidding-or-not that has caused SO MANY fights with so many of us over the years, that bullshit feeling of not being sure where the other person's coming from and what they're trying to say....I just feel like certain things should have a soundtrack

And maybe I'm too easily moved by music, but I can't see that as a fault. Certain songs make me cry every time I hear them, even now, and certain songs can prevent me from remaining in a foul mood no matter how hard I try, and there's something to be said for the power of music. If I have time and want a nice big pity party, I know which cds to go for, and I know you all do the same thing. It sounds so fucking juvenile, but it comforts me, and it seems like there's always an appropriate music choice for anything I would ever want to do.

It's been a long weekend, somehow.

Sometimes it's not the biggest problems that floor me. I keep having to recover from the realization that I am almost out of college and I have to grow up some more really really fast and it's not going to happen fast enough to stop this from being a nasty shock. Looking at apartments in other cities really fucks with me. I'm not old enough to be thinking about weddings and apartments and PhDs and compromise....I feel like I've just started understanding the most selfish things about me, and that it's going to take me longer than I have to completely feel at ease with the worst parts of me

Chris is moving out, which is fantastic only because he and I don't get along anymore, since that one little incident, and I can't say I'll miss him. JD's going to take over his spot on the lease, and he'll leave sometime this month.

I'm tired of having the same dream.

I only get like this when I have time to myself. I don't want to think about what that means.

Hahahaha

So I went to yoga this morning, which I'm realizing more and more is a FANTASTIC class to have on Friday, even early in the morning...but the story's not about how great yoga is, it's about this guy named "Dennis" who's in the class.
Now, as you may have guessed, there aren't a whole shit ton of boys in there, I think JD is one of three or four out of like 50 people. But anyway, there's this guy Dennis. He's huge, clumsy, LOUD, and always wears a bright yellow (I mean BRIGHT) t-shirt to class. And we're in the dance studio which means we all spread out facing the big wall of mirrors so we can vainly watch ourselves contort. Anyway, Dennis is a source of shameful hilarity to me, if only because not a day passes that he doesn't do something that totally breaks my yoga-focus and causes me to have to fight desperately to re-control my breathing and look ANYWHERE but at JD because we've had enough discussions about this guy out of class that I KNOW Jd's waiting for me to look over so he can make some sort of inappropriate face and I'll lose it in the middle of this meditative gymnasium.

So for example, Dennis is mildly retarded, but in that oh-my-god-you're-a-chem-bio-double-major-but-your-social-skills-didn't-make-it-out-of-kindergarten kind of way. So to me, it's not endearing, it's creepy, it's like the guy that (ahahah aha ah hahah) was in my metaphysics class....he was JUST like that weird guy from Office Space, I'm serious, have JD do his impression of him if you get a chance. And then have Jd ask you if you got your tickets, teehee

So today Dennis runs in late, and gets his mat, and proceeds to the very center of the room ANYWAY, even though we've already begun and there's NO space for him there, and three very pissed-off bitchy looking girls get all huffy and have to move their stuff, and he's oblivious, and then about 30 minutes goes by and there's this huge noise, and of course it's him, it's always fucking him, and he "fell over" doing one of the poses that requires NO balance whatsoever. So this is funny only because he falls over at least once an hour in there, and the teacher always has to stop what she's saying and ask him if he's ok, because he always does some cartoonish reaction thing like sitting up and comically rubbing his head with his palm UNTIL she asks him if he's ok, and it's really annoying.
So then what almost got me was when we were on our stomachs with our hands right under our shoulders about to do that one where you push up into a cobra-looking thing (you know) and we were first moving ourselves around just by pushing and pulling our palms to see how great the range of motion was, so everyone's kind of gliding around on the floor, but not Dennis....he's herking back and forth and from side to side like a (I'm sorry) beached whale, his t-shirt riding up just far enough that his stomach is what's sliding on the floor, and it makes this TREMENDOUSLY horrible sticking/pulling blubber noise and I avert my eyes so I don't crack up laughing only to find that JD is looking right at me, making a ridiculously inappropriate face.

Sigh.

I'm exhausted

But, there are new photos for you

Alright:

* I rocked the GRE, thanks, well enough to not have to worry about retaking it, which is all I really wanted out of it...now I can worry about other things pertaining to grad school, like applications and recommendations and personal statements

* If I hear the word "skater" or "boy" I get that STUPID Avril Lavigne "sk8er boi" song in my head for at LEAST three hours

* I posted my thesis online finally and made times for tonight and Saturday just yesterday afternoon, and LO they're all full already, which is crazy and so fucking awesome I don't know what to do with myself

* I slept through my only actual class AGAIN this morning, I think because I've allowed my sleep schedule to become severely off and will pay for it if I somehow ruin my GPA with this one lousy semester of no real classes

* I went to a club sports meeting last night and sat next to ORION wellinghoff, who some of you may remember from high school, and I thought of Stacey's crush on him the whole time he was saying things like "we use our club dues to buy beer" and "whoa, I totally sat in this exact same seat earlier today"
But he seems like a nice enough person, and he's JD's new best work friend, so that's....nice

* I was in a pissy mood last night and muttering under my breath and staring at the wall and

JD: So, did you get your tickets yet?
Me: What tickets?
JD: you know, your tickets
Me: (not looking at him) What the hell are you talking about?
JD: for the gun show?
Me: (totally confused now, turning to look at him like he's stupid) What?!? What fucking gun--

And then I die laughing as I see him flexing his biceps one at a time, lovingly touching them with alternating hands, making his best The Rock face (which is a pretty hysterical face to begin with), and he repeats "you know, the gun show"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It made me feel like an ass for being so cranky
That's a perfect example of why I like JD....I can't be pissed off around him

Anyway, I have to get my butt to the lab and get ready for ROUND ONE OF LIZ'S THESIS

this one might be a doozy...

Just got back from Chicago a little while ago, it KICKED ASS on so many levels, but I think my favorite aspect was how MUCH I felt like I was in Ferris Buehler's Day Off the whole weekend. Hahahahahahah.

So me 'n JD 'n Andy drove up Friday afternoon, and I managed to sleep through yoga and then skip my other class, so last week I ONLY attended my hapkido classes, which is pretty hysterically pathetic of me, but hey I felt sick, kind of.

So we're right on schedule, get to the hotel (Andy works where JD used to, gets a phat discount) and check in, and throw our stuff down and watch a bit of the Sopranos and then we head off to the 10:30 Mr. Show, and it is AWESOME, and hilarious, and I would be hard-pressed to describe my favorite part because it was so all-around kick ass....the coolest thing mght have been the assorted stickers that Andy bought, with Pit-Pat, Wyked Scepter, T'aint, and many more.

And the best part was hearing "if education had a dick, I'd suck it"

so then we were hungry so they dragged me to white castle, and we were in the ghetto anyway, and I hate white castle, but whatever. And then Saturday we woke up and the first thing we all did was talk about our freaky dreams that we'd all had...mine involved being chased by a serial killer in a high school with my Asian friends, and then we got up and headed into town. Good fucking god I love Chicago....I don't want to "rank" my grad school choices because nothing will get me rejected faster than having a favorite, but I will be SO happy if I get in to one of the Chicago ones.

We went to the Aquarium, which is awesome anyway and then I love aquariums on top of that, and we spent a good 5 hours there, and then went hiking around and shopping and stuff, and then we went and ate pizza in union station because you have to in Chicago, and I called my grandma to let her know we were in town, and

then we came back to the hotel, and watched more Sopranos, and I studied sort of for the GRE, and eventually went to sleep, and woke up early this morning to go see grandma. JD and Andy dropped me off and went to Omega, this bad-ass restaurant she normally takes me and whoever else is with me out to, and we sat around and talked about the same nothing we always do, and Im reminded that I love my grandma a lot, and she is super cool, which was reaffirmed when Andy and JD came to pick me up, came in for awhile, and Andy exclaimed over every artistic thing in the apartment (which is a lot of stuff; my grandfather was a ridiculously good artist) and then said she was awesome. While there I also spoke to Auntie Denny on the phone, and she's somehow becoming more and more cool to me...but I can still see why she and mom don't necessarily get along.

So then we went to a Cubs game (vs. Pittsburgh) and I don't care for baseball and neither do JD and Andy, but it was actually pretty cool and I remembered that I like GOING to sporting events if not watching them on tv...and we left early and came back home, and here I am now, putting off studying and cramming for the GRE tomorrow night, putting off fixing the methodological problems with my thesis so I can kick it into gear this week, putting off doing anything I need to...

Anyway, it's shaping up to be a busy week. I need to get to it