We'll Never Know Unless We Go So Let Me Show You

JD's mom and gparents came into town friday and saturday this past weekend. How lovely to catch up with family, yet how intolerably awful to have to bite one's tongue as much as I had to. It is half missing, you guys. I chewed the end off and kept having to discreetly spit bits of it into my hankie like a proper lady. Then the resulting inability to form english speech with no front palate led to vigorous nodding. Occasionally I would find some way to relate my existence to the topic of "discussion" and would interject if possible. It was usually not possible.

They only like to eat at buffets. Everything that is sold in malls or stores that are not garage sales or swap meets is "cheap junk" that they "wouldn't be caught dead in, not if someone paid" them. Which I found to be an extraordinarily strong statement! Not caught dead in it even if someone paid you? What do you care? you're dead! but the sentiment, I guess, is the key message. It's all cheap junk that's no good and people who buy it are stupid.

Young people today. They have no sense. Buying coach purses just to say they have a coach purse, when it's just cheap junk (jessica, having bought a knock off coach purse at a swap meet earlier that day, shifts uncomfortably when this is barked at her) instead of working hard and earning things like their parents. Buying $200 jeans (here I shift my butt away from her even though my jeans did not cost near $200 and i seriously doubt, in hind sight, that she would have recognized the pocket stitching and identified them as overpriced cheap junk) and credit cards. And young people and debt and family. FAMILY. Kids today and the schools. Target, since it is a french company, is evil because they don't support "our boys." (I just looked this up- target is NOT owned by a french company. Probably we are all thinking the same thing- someone took the Fronch pronunciation of "tar-zhay" a little too seriously without a second thought). I was actually warned not to bring up target because of this french anti-americanism. jessica did not receive such a warning, and since target is her favorite place on earth, mentioned it and got chewed out for essentially being unpatriotic. i did not attempt a counterargument built around wal-mart's labor practices. {Even better, I just found this: the obvious explanation, since I receive dozens of these bullshit forwards from this side of the fam every month.}

Also, college was hard mostly because the shitty professors couldn't teach their way out of a box and it didn't matter how hard you worked, they already decided your grade. and while we're on the subject, elizabeth, it's fine that you want to get the doctorate and of course you worked your butt off for it, but when it comes time to have a family you'll do the right thing, the responsible thing, and not be selfish and say you want to work too. because i don't care, a family can live on the husband's income if they're willing to live at that level, and anything else is pure selfishness. anything else is just wanting to get a bunch of stuff, and that's selfish and raising kids is more important. so it's great that you're getting that phd and you probably want to use it at some point, but the time for working is once your kids are raised and in college, then maybe you can work part time or something because you went to school all this time and worked so hard.

MAYBE I CAN WORK PART TIME WITH MY DOCTORATE ONCE MY KIDS ARE IN COLLEGE, YOU GUYS.

Kids need two parents. End of story. Two shitty parents are way better than one devoted parent who is competent. I should thank my lucky stars that I don't have a "huge horse butt" like those hispanic girls. Welfare is destroying this country because we give a free ride to all the people who don't want to work hard or get a job. People have choices, they can choose to live the average american life or they can choose to be lazy and live on the street. They can choose to have a modest, good-sized house or they can have a too-big house and drown in debt. they can dress to make themselves look like fat pigs or they can wear shirts with sleeves. they can do things wrong or they can do things just like we did. everyone has that choice. that's why so many marriages break up, because people want too much stuff and they both have to work if they want it and that makes you not know the other person.

I'm not going to retype the bits about Jewish people, or rich black people. Or, other than the "horse butt" comment, the stuff about Latinos.

Needless to say, I was totally flabbergasted by all of it. I don't even know that I fully believe that they feel strongly about these things, most of it is loving to talk so much that it all avalanches out once the pandora's box opens. It is hard for me to even imagine people living in this world, this present-day universe, who hold these opinions and hold them tightly. I could not be more fundamentally opposed to nearly everything she said.

But what I find really alarming is the whole, "good for you that you want a phd, but if you're not a total shit wife who sucks at everything you'll stay home and raise your kids while scraping by on whatever jd gets paid."

No, I didn't mention the piles of research on child care/day care/nannies, on single-parent households, on how our economy is so bad that this generation does not have the OPTION of supporting three people on a single income, etc. There is no point in mentioning these things. It is like talking to a stone wall, but more frustrating.


On a much lighter, weirder note, JD's family brought us a "present" from his aunt who lives in salt lake. What had been initially described to JD on the phone as "a 72- hour disaster kit" turned out to be two months' worth of bulk, canned/dry goods that weigh approximately 80lbs and all require water to use. For example, Janet picked out the "vegetarian" option that the church was offering, taking extra care to ensure that the shortening included (two fat, gallon-size cans of the stuff) was made from vegetable products. Other included items are 20lbs. canned red wheat, which you apparently have to grind before using (?), lots and lots of dried macaroni, white rice, white flour, dried beans, and my personal favorite, two HUGE cans of powdered milk.

Now. Jd's mom's/gma's approaches to the powdered milk were priceless.

Me: wow, that's great, but we won't eat powdered milk
Janet: oh i know, honey, but this way you have it, just in case.
Me: uhh huh, yeah.
Janet: you know, so if there's a disaster you can feed it to the kitties if they don't have any food.
Me: riiiight, right. the cats would probably like that.

Let's, for now, ignore the basic premise that a disaster could occur that trapped me, JD, and two intact cats in our own apartment for up to two months with access to electricity and running water so that we could cook this food. Let's ignore the glaring issue that what is really important when you live in a fancily decorated desert is water, and if there's a disaster all we would worry about is water. Let's ignore, gentle readers, for the time being, what particular type of disaster might result in our being so desperate that either of us would consider touching or ingesting shortening, and instead let's focus again on the powdered milk:

Me: Right so I could feed it to the cats.
Gma: Well I know you don't eat that stuff, honey, but you'd be glad to have it in a disaster.
Me: No.
JD: No.
Gma (ignoring us): Yeah, you'd be glad to have it if you were hungry!

ahh, so that's it. I'm vegan because I just haven't gotten hungry enough to eat meat/dairy lately.

Later (it kept coming up, seriously)

Gma: Well if you need that milk you'll have it
Me: right
Gma: because, think about it, you have two months of food, and maybe you could share it with your neighbors
Me: yeah, good point
Gma: and maybe someone has a baby, and maybe you can use the powdered milk to save their baby when they don't have any food for the baby.
Me (stunned): ...
Gma: so i bet you'll be glad to have it either way, because you can share it with your neighbors and their baby
Me: right. right, yeah, that makes a lot of sense. *snicker* i mean COUGH COUGH COUGH.


Also the cans are all marked, "SLC welfare" which I find utterly hilarious given their stance on welfare in general. I'm not sure why they thought we were either starving to death or would be involved in some sort of disaster that merely jammed our front door for a couple months, but I would eat most of our furniture and all of my clothing and toiletries before I started in on the shortening or the powdered milk.

All Your Diction, Dripping With Disdain

I have been One Hot Mess lately.

Stupid end-of-quarter. I hate it. I finished grading papers already, though, which is excellent. Not the papers. Those were not excellent. Several of my pet students wrote appallingly terrible papers. This makes me feel personally responsible. However, I have enough ego stored elsewhere to pull me through this temporary teaching setback.

I attended a retirement party last week for one of my most beloved colleagues, three hours late thanks to this ridiculous tee ay meeting that was intended to establish "rely-a-bill-uh-tee" in our grading but instead involved two overgrown teenage asshats shouting at each other over one of the sample papers. Dialogue that I found unnecessary included, "You don't understand underground rap. I totally get it, and this kid didn't go to underground shows, he just read a book about it." ... "But at least he has a main argument! I mean, he doesn't ever actually say it or make it clear but OBVIOUSLY he means..."

You know what? It may be bitchy of me, but if you take a class from me, I will not be generously hamfisting-about trying to discern your topic sentence. Hopefully that word choice conveys to you guys the image of me sitting, weeping with boredom, at one end of a conference table whilst a retarded neanderthal at the other end bangs his fist on the table for emphasis when trying to make a point that no one cares to argue about. Yes, you win, this kid deserves a medal for constructing one legible paragraph. Yes, we should give him a hug for being so smart. Yes, you are the best teacher on the planet. Yes, I remember you from my first year when you kept telling me my hair was pretty and your wife wished her hair would look like mine. Yes, I was creeped out forEVER thanks to that. Yes, I noticed that you are no longer wearing a wedding ring. Yes, yes, yes. SNOOOOOOOOOOOOZE.

Oh and then I ran, yes, ran, home to change clothes and then ran back to campus where this party was happening. I caught the last 45 minutes of it, sweated through some gratuitous group photos, returned home pissed as hell about missing the fun part (I showed up just as people were politely greeting the guest of honor and then leaving and there was nothing left to entertain me but schmooooozing), and then realized that I had my skirt on backwards.

Oh yes. One Fine Hot Mess, I am. That explains why I got honked and whistled at when I was running over to the party. Even people driving by me could tell that I was a hot mess. For fuck's sake. I have no idea whether I put it on wrong or it worked its way around me while I was running over to the party. Excellent.

In other, more interesting news. I got a new flat iron. And LAYDEES, I have a product recommendation for ya'll. You may think that the flat iron you bought at target is super great and flattens your hair. Well, I went all Girlzilla and ordered one of the super expensive "professional" ones with all that magic "ceramic" and "tourmaline" crap online after reading about ten thousand customer raves and looking at their before and after pictures and hearing all about how fucking insanely great these uber-expensive ones are. I actually bought a new (cheap) iron recently but then my stylist decided I ought to have bangs, so now the one I had is too wide for the bits of hair in the front that ALWAYS need to be heat styled so I had to get a smaller one anyway.

Well. I used it this morning and my hair looks unbelievably great. Seriously, almost incomprehensibly fantastic. Again I wish I had my stupid camera battery. My hair looks like melted silk. I have crazy shiny hair, most of the time, but this is just sick. I look like a hair model. I can't stop touching it. You wouldn't be able to either, if you were here.

So I think that is fairly awesome but no one else probably will care. If you want the actual link leave me a comment.

Also, Ashleigh and Jim are coming to visit in, like, A WEEK. Oh MY GOD I am so excited. Shit, I have so much work to do before then! Yikes. That's cool, that's cool.

Oh and I have been trying to decide what to do with my career lately too. That has actually been going pretty well but is causing some expected anxiety attacks.

And I want to come to Chicago this summer and I want you all to also be there. But I'll have to leave that to Stacey to orchestrate because she is more popular and well-liked than me. So all of you start daydreaming about that road trip. For serious. You know you want to see this hair of mine, if nothing else.

Gonna Teach You Tricks That'll Blow Your Mongrel Mind

Happy would-be birthday to my dad! He'd be 59 today. Poop on cancer. Have you guys noticed all the attention genetic testing has been getting in the media lately? Maybe that's just because I keep debating whether I should get those tests done. On one hand, yay, maybe I'm no more at risk for it than you guys. On the other, waaaaaay more realistic hand, there's an 80% lifetime chance of at least one (?) cancer and something like six thousand percent chance of a second cancer after that first one.

I don't know what can be done other than to control all the things that aren't genetic that are under my jurisdiction. Veggies are way better off than omnivores. Exercise is good for you. I eat so much fiber you guys would blush if I told you about my bathroom habits. Haha. I have an optimistic and positive outlook on life in general and I am surrounded by people who support me rather than tear me down or otherwise detract from my mental, emotional, and physical well being. I eat antioxidants like candy. etc.

But I will probably still get cancer and die from it. All cancers are terrible, yes. This particular one is ruthless. Everyone dies.

So the scary thing with the genetic testing is more about my hypothetical future kids than knowing for myself. Because then I start doing that math. Yuck.

Oh whatever. I'm so Debbie Downer. At least there are ways to screen for colon cancer and there are lots of options when you catch it early. Speaking of, I'm going to sweat out some negativity in the gym and then come home and stuff my face with acai. I'll pour some berry juice out for the hoardes of family members who didn't move to the west coast to become dirty, crunchy-granola hippies with visible purple auras later today. Hope you're all doing well.