Say My Name, Say My Name, Say My Stupid Name

Like the new song? I'm obsessed with it.

So, I really, seriously, totally not jokingly, almost got hit by a car today. Reaaaaaaaallly fucking close. The sweet little retard behind the wheel seemed confused about which pedal was which as she approached the crosswalk. Thankfully I have cultivated the habit of not stepping fully out in front until they stop and make eye contact with me. This is the same intersection where I watched a bicyclist get thrown over the hood of a car a few months ago. The same intersection where one of my professors got hit by a car. *Ahem*

You guys should have seen the killer dirty look I gave this girl. I might as well have spit in her face. It gave me goosebumps, and we all know how excellent I am at dirty looks. I think we are all quite lucky that looks cannot actually kill someone.

Take Your Sweetheart Down To The River

I'm taking requests now! Such is the nature of this blog. ahh, blog. It's been a...not good, exactly...thorough? Yes, blog, it's been a thorough few years. Where is Ashleigh's list? Where has my sistor been? Bad, bad blogging, you guys. It makes me feel lame to bother with this. LE SIGH. Anyway, here you go Stacey:

Five Things I You Hate About You Me:

1. Because I always hover-pee when out and about (including in the bathrooms here at the office, including your bathroom at your house, including my own bathroom, if, say, husbie's relatives are the most recent to have sat their buttocks upon the seat), I am the person who pees all over the seat. Remorselessly! Inadverdently, yes, most of the time, but I just do not give two feathered shits about how rude that is, or how some poor old lady or child might unsuspectingly plop their tush down on a seat decorated with my now-cold pee.

2. I don't think it's necessarily dysfunctional, but for as long as I can remember, I have compulsively counted things in the environment. Not, like: one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish counting. I count how many lines it takes to make up the peripehery of an object. For example, a square has four lines (sides). Doing this with 3-D objects makes for a very large number of lines to count. I like to count the same objects over and over, especially when I know that the resultant sum is a pleasing, whole number like "15" or something divisible by 2. I like JD because his name with the dots is worth five lines ( J . D . ) His other name, James, is worth 10 lines. Usually I try various combinations of lower- and upper case letters within names until I find a nice combination. Stacey =10. Ashleigh =15. Jenny = 10. Keith = 10 (leave the dot off the i). Etcetera. My own name is maddeningly un-pleasing. I write my name with a strike through the z because then Liz = 8. Without it, shudder.

I also count things like vertical blinds hanging in the bedroom window in my new apartment. Old apartment? 15 blinds. New apartment? 19. Ugh. I count and recount ALL THE TIME when I'm in there, kind of hoping I have just been missing one this whole time. Prime numbers are the WORST. Ok maybe in hindsight that is a teeny bit dysfunctional. Whatever, ask my sister how she learned to add.

3. Today I gave a lekshur in a very huge class with approximately nine million attendees. It went great, my jokes went over really well, and I got to gross them the fuck out, which totally broke the ice and made learning fun for all of us. Cough.

My contingency plan, in case it had not gone so great, was for JD to pick me up right after for lunch so I could decompress with him and then come back to work (and change my shoes/pants--because I am physically unable to look nice for an entire day, not because I shat myself or something). Despite it having gone well, I was fucking thrilled to see him, and he had brought pizza from this place that has soy cheeze and veggie crumbles and soy cheeze bread. We went home to eat it and drank a couple of beers while watching a tivo'd episode of family guy and I honestly could have died of total contentment right then. It sounds so fucking stupid, but I really do love him more everyday. And every day I'm all, "waaaaht? i totally though i was at maximum love capacity." Being married? To JD, at least? Fucking Awesome. It feels different than I was expecting it to. But good different.

4. My office, while extremely pimp, needs a makeover. I have collages of old ass photos of most of you guys staring me in the face all day while I work. But we are talking severely outdated photos. Embarrassing, in most cases. I have a post-it on the wall congratulating me on my awesome second year project. I have a coffeemaker that only makes coffee that tastes like ammonia, so I never use it. It is pitiful and dusty, pouting at me right now. I have two plants in a can that ashleigh sent me once. one is doing very well, thanks. the other died an awful, unnoticed death sometime in december. i think if any of you love me you should make a collage and send it to me. You DID get those comp cds in the mail, didn't you? hrmmmm?

5. I just took a 45 minute break from this update to go look at other people's blogs and various internet sites. I am easily distractable? whatever. I am taking things personally. I really bored. I am now going to get back to that big ole stack of work until i can go home and drink more beer or something.

Another Drink And I'm Ready For Action

In case you are not interested in myspace, and therefore didn't get the memo, please click here to laugh your face off.

Thank you.

It May Break Your Heart To Break Her Bones

Well, I am feeling like a big big asshole right now and the only thing that cheers me up reliably is looking at my own wedding photos. Indulge me, people.

So I had a meeting this morning with my advice-er. Urgh, I have been having a difficult time finding my joie-de-research for awhile now and therefore I was heinously underprepared for any kind of discussion about large-looming shit like The study I will need to do to earn The degree that is really The whole point of this. I was also heartbreakingly underwhelming with most other things I have been doing, unsurprisingly, because as I mention on here almost every day, I am exceedingly lazy and impressing no one with such behaviors.

Anyway, so I thought I was kind of bluffing okay-ish but she abruptly turned on me and called me out, nicely, like with a joke or something, you know, something to make it clear that she knew I was not up to speed on The big idea here and that, really, if I'm not ready to rumble we can't exactly have The important conversations, now can we?

I may have pouted once she snapped at me, I'm not sure. I am sure that I felt very stupid, and small, and childish and embarrassed for myself, but thought I was concealing this masterfully. We carried on, until a few topics later she interrupted me to apologize for giving me shit about not having memorized six different literatures and said that she had been very rude and that it was uncalled for, and obviously (obvious to her from the other topics we hit on, not from my pouting per se) the only reason I have not immersed myself in these literatures is because I am so busy with ninety billion other things.

We had an awkward few moments where I felt grateful that she apologized, because I really had been stung by it, but wanting to make it clear to her that she shouldn't have to apologize because what she said had been true and I knew I was totally lacking in that area, and she felt like an asshole for having scolded me in the first place. I am not sure why, but her apology almost made me cry and then I felt really really mean, like I had guilted or bullied her into taking it back.

Obviously no one else (except possibly Raedy) will care or understand why this was such a huge ordeal for me. I walked back to my office mulling it over and then I sat at my desk and cried a little because I feel like such a jackass for somehow making her feel bad, when I was actually at fault and it's not like she wasn't well-founded in her assertion. How did I manage that? Urgh. I emailed her and tried to say I'm sorry I made her feel bad but now I'm just hoping this isn't a "thing."

Stupid stupid brain. Turn back on, you!

The Road To Awe

Ok, ok. I realize that the movie The Fountain is not playing everywhere, especially now. I realize that even here, it is now only in LA, and probably not anymore as of this weekend. However. You should see it. If you have to wait until the dvd comes out, that's cool. You don't even need to rent it. Just buy it. Seriously. And I hate buying dvds just to have them. It's one of the best movies I have ever seen, and I knew that once I saw it, but also kind of ignored it until yesterday when the soundtrack (played by Kronos Quartet and Mogwai) arrived in a package with a bunch of shit I ordered from Amazon as my xmas present from my mom (yay gift certificates!).

I have listened to the inarguably mind-blowingly awesome soundtrack on repeat since I got it yesterday afternoon. I am listening to it now. I am struggling with the fact that I will have to take it out of the cd player at some point to import it into my computer, so I can also burn copies of this for those of you who have requested comp cds. And my mom, because she would really like it, and she is coming up on a very big milestone-- one month smoke free! (On January 21st--everyone please congratulate her). I am sick with pride for my mom. I can't remember the last time she did something that honestly impressed me this much. She is doing awesome and she keeps sending me emails and photos of the food she's been cooking for herself, and you know what? I am really happy that it is stuff like veggie stir fry, rather than buttered egg noodles with raw steak and boxed wine.

*I like to read science blogs whenever it is the weekend and celeb-gossip sites are not updating, and today I found this beauty of a study which seems like the perfect idea for my Brayne Photography class project. Indeed, it sounds like the best idea for a study...ever. Now, I just need some volunteers from the audience. Ahem.

*Ashleigh, did you and Jim get kittens?

*I washed and did my hair yesterday morning (I am sick but doing that, "well, there's no reason I have to goddamn LOOK sick" denial thing) and put makeup on and went to my tee ay class and my friend All ison was all, "wow you look really pretty today! something about your face!" And that really knocked me off my game (she is very straightforward with compliments and I admire that about her but it always unbalances me) so I muttered something about makeup and then slunk back into the crowd of children multitasking through her intro class. Yesterday's offenders? Two kids in front of me looking at the the iPhone and a girl next to me who sighed loudly every few seconds. Elbowed me while writing. Glared at me when I unwrapped cough drops. Hey, you sat next to me. It's not my problem that you didn't want to sit by someone with obviously contagious respiratory problems.

*I saw the movie The Queen the other day. Pretty interesting. What? I see movie when I'm stressed out. It's the only thing that helps. Other stuff just lets my mind keep running while I'm trying to relax. Movies are nice and escapist.

*My ladiefriends are coming over this afternoon to eat pizza and watch tivo'd episodes of the office. B tells us that she (she is the blond one in the photos, not the married one) has recently dyed her hair back to its natural color- a darkish brown. I am DYING to see this. She has been blond the whole time I've known her. I'll let you guys know what I think. I cannot picture it, but for some reason I am proud of her. We had yoga Wed and Douchebagg McExboyf is somehow taking that yoga class (I do not understand how he gets into the building with no student id) and she looked surprised to see him there and then after class we had some really awkward conversation with him (like, really awkward. he's such a weirdo) and then he stopped to talk to the instructor and we ran away. I asked her about him and she made it sound like she hasn't ruled him out completely but they're not seeing much of each other and that's what she needs right now. I almost hugged her. I like it when people make good decisions on their own (and that's not an imposition of my will, I think it's an objective thing that this guy is a piece of turd).

*JD signed us up for blockbuster's version of netflix. so yesterday we got five new movies in the mail. Excellent, right? No. Sigh. Last night we watched that zack braff movie The Last Kiss ( I think it ALMOST went straight to dvd). Not as bad as you'd think. Still pretty baddish. and I really like rachel bilson (not her acting, ok, but i think she's precious) so it had that going for it too. One really good line about your own feelings of love for another person not mattering to anyone but you and all that really matters is what you do. I agree. Anyway, if you're going to rent or watch a movie, or if you're considering road trips to cities with art houses, find a city with The Fountain still playing and see that over almost anything else. Except I would also push for Pan's Labyrinth, that was a kickass movie too. See that if you can't find the Fountain.

*I am trying, all the time, to radiate gratitude. Even though I am unfairly sick (again!) this week, and even though skool is totally hard and shit. I am very very lucky. I have everything I need. and everything I want, except pineapple orange banana juice. Ah well, I'll content myself with a pot of coffee and a few hours of nerdly data finagling before my friends come over for party time.

*LOVE YOU GUYS! I hear rumblings of a possible visit out here, and I won't jinx it yet but I am already SO EXCITED to see those of you who may be considering coming out here. YOU ARE TOTALLY GOING TO LOVE IT, JUST ASK JENNY. At least you will love the food and weather. Kisses.

Culling Of The Fold

Shit, Fuck. Bad Wrong. B-Dong. Shit, Fuck, Fuck.

Today was a long day. A long, long day. Today, as you, my astute readers will note, is not even fucking over yet, and it is already mopping the floor with me.

Okay, so there was nothing really especially, acutely awful about today, I just now have this simmering (simpering? maybe that works better) apprehension rumbling in my tummy. My tumms. You catholics may recognize this feeling as what I imagine the "fear of god" to be like. Catholicism is just the only religion i can think of right now, on account of this day's extraordinary length, and the churning anxiety in my bowels. It is a global feeling of unease and very slight dismay.

Hrmmm.

I had my Totally Hard, Over My Head Class About Brayne Photography today. Sweet balls! Although I whinged mightily about it last kwarter, I think that this portion of the class will blow that out of the water. IT IS GOING TO BE BALLS-HARD. It is already balls-hard, and do you know what? That fucking sucks for me, because a perfect storm of Balls-hardness is brewing. Maybe THAT is what I am feeling in my tumms. A Perfect Storm of Balls-Hardness on the horizon.

Ok, you may be thinking, "but you always pull it out cha ass at crunch time and end up rocking everything you touch!"

No, not everything.

So that Brayne Class will be fucking challenging. Something about either being killed or made stronger inserted here. That's how it goes, right? Either would be fine with me.

Also, I know I already brought it up on here, but I have to give a lekshur soon. Waaaaahhh. I sat in the trenches with the students in that class today, between two people oblivious to the fact that I am in charge of their grade, one of whom text messaged the whole time, the other of whom was signed onto myspace (myspace name? "bee-ing mayde kleen" if you care to look her up. spell it right when you do that, though) and taking notes on the lecture in faux-cursive font. Ugh.

My advisor appears to think (rightly) that I am a lazy sack who has done nothing for two months while all her other students went out like good little akademiks on the job markit and have made her look really good and awesome and I have just annoyed her. There are a series of things concerning her that I am just dropping the ball on, right and left. Like, par example, my dissertayshun ideas/proposal.

I feel blecky. There is a bunch of other stuff that's hard and "challenging" and shit but I just got really sick of writing about how much I hate my life today. Fuck it. This malaise is the cost of taking a whole fucking month off to like my life for a little while. everyone can get up off my shit now. I'm awesome.

Thank you, this has been another installment of Twenty Bipolar Minutes in the Life of A Floundering Grad Student.


OH and I made, yesterday, what might literally be the Best comp cd I have ever made. Seriously. It is FUCKING awesome. Requests in the comments section, yo. It includes the title track. Oh yes, those of you who recognized that title (no one? one-half of one person?), I hunted down the crane wife B-side thusly named. Ohhhhhh it's awesome.

I Go To The Flower Stall And I Get A Violet Violet To Put In My Jet Black Hair

It totally skeeves me out when I see on my site meter thing that someone found and read an archive of this blog by googling the full name of a girl i went to HS with. I always feel like I need to write a disclaimer, such as that I don't even remember why i would have written anything about her especially using her full name, or that if you're vain enough to google your own name and you have a weird name, well, yeah. Whatever. Creepy.


So when J and M were here, we went to the beach. I sat, matron-style, far away, watching the kids play in the sand. And took paparazzi photos of them with my digital zoom.

See how cute they are? SO cute.


Hold my shoes, mom?


I took kitten to the vet for booster shots yesterday. The vet is insanely nice and I fell in love with him this time because he seemed (A) amused by the kitten's name (Mingus) and (B) very pleased with how much kitten is thriving. Kitten gained 2.5 lbs since thansgiving and the vet told me that we are doing a very good job with him. That was cool since the first time kitten went to the vet, he was nice but cautious, saying how little kittens "can go really fast" so we needed to watch him. But now kitten is fat and happy and healthy and that makes me very happy too. Oh and we can get him fixed any time. Gulp.

I also got a haircut yesterday. Nothing dramatic. Our new apartment has a fluorescent light in the bathroom that ages me dramatically (I hope it is the light, I mean), which may mean I try to actually get haircuts when i need them instead of going eight months between cuts and wondering why my hair looks so fried and crazy that it is single-handedly ruining K's wedding photos. She said she didn't mind, but I bet she secretly totally minds. Oh whatever.

JD is fighting sick the last few days and for some reason I cannot sleep enough. I think it is self-defense against all the looming work this next week brings with it. I am slated to give another of those cute guest lektshirs this quarter, again in the class I am tee aying, but this time in front of 400 people. Urgh. Oh and it's in 2 weeks and these things take me forever to write and I haven't started. And it's on my research area but it's an intro class so my area is not really the appropriate level. Dick. At least it will be over before the quarter really kicks in with a vengeance. Right? Positive thinking.

Oh, babe is home early. Like, five hours early. laters.

As A Birthday Present For Melissa, Here Are Some Photos Of A Kitten Looking Totally Cute:

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