I'm at my mom's apartment in Eville, bored to tears after being here for a whopping ten minutes. Not too surprising, mom's asleep and Jenny's at school, JD went over to Andy's and as far as I know, anyone else I might consider trying to reach has plans by midnight on a Saturday night.

Heh. Drove home tonight specifically to attend the Newburgh Jazz Fest, and by that I mean to watch Janeice and then leave so as not to have to snicker through any poor attempts at "culture" or "jazz." She was absolutely phenomenal, and I mean that with a capital P and several enthusiastic exclamation points afterward. I have never, ever, EVER, niver-ner, neverevernerver, NIVER, EVER (ha, I love you Mr. Show) seen a singer that good live. And I've been to IU school of music operas before. I do not understand WHY she is not super famous already. I advise you all to buy her cd, called "Heart's Desire" or something similar, from Amazon once it is available in early October. Seriously. Good God she's talented. And the trio she sang with were no slouches either. MAN

In the course of the evening, JD's mom presented me with a cell phone that used to be Jess's, one of those Everybody's-had-this-kind at some point Nokia "starter" models, which apparently is just wasting money until Jess's plan expires in October, so she thought I would want it. And of course I did, and I guess now I'll have to think about actually paying for it (and getting a plan that allows me to use it in Blomington, hahaha) or getting free long distance or whatnot come October. I'll keep you all posted, but for now it won't work in Bloomington so there's no point in giving out the number. Sigh. I'm so disappointed, I have the ringer set to play "Stairway to Heaven" but no one will be calling it. MAN

So that's what's happened today. I love JD's mom, a lot, even though she at times creeps me out or I get the impression that she's crazy...she spent a lot of time this evening pointing out to me how great JD is, as though I may have missed this in the course of dating him for the last 3.5 years. It was cute watching Mr. Burns record Janeice with all his nerdy toys and think that, minus the talented singing voice, that'll be him and me in 30 years. Ha. Mr. Burns is one awesome guy. PLus, he asked me again if I'm taking the advanced hapkido class this fall (no, my thesis overlaps twenty fucking minutes on ONE day so I can't register) and when I said no suggested that I talk to the registrar people and see if he can't just sign something saying it's ok for me to miss class occasionally...he's pretty fucking cool.

Yeah, we'll be heading back to school tomorrow early afternoon, to get psyched up for the big FIRST DAY and all...I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but then again, I have nothing better to do, so I might as well be learning.

Anyway, I have an important email to be writing

After closer examination and careful consideration of the facts, I believe that things work out the way they are supposed to, no matter what you try to do to prevent that from happening. I am done feeling like there are things that I personally can and should be doing to make things "right" when every fiber of myself knows better. I've felt like my last post has brought me closure in this thing, which I never thought would be happening. It's bizarre....since I wrote it I gradually have felt more and more calm about it, I've stopped wanting to pick up the phone and see if he'll answer, and I've stopped thinking about what I want to say to him. I don't want to say anything anymore.

I had a dream last night (yeah, the dreams are back again) that Keith and I were at somebody's house and we hadn't seen each other for months but it wasn't a big deal, and we were just talking normally. That's all I want. But, that's the unrealistic fantasy version of what would happen if K and I were really in a room together, and I guess I must admit that even though I thought he was being cowardly for not coming to Stacey's birthday party, I was relieved that he's made this thing HIS albatross instead of trying to make me share in it, if that makes sense. It's like we both know that we'll never have a fully functional friendship again, and that distance is the absolute best thing for us to just forget the other ever existed, but I don't want to take active steps to making sure we don't accidentally bump into each other. But hey, like I said, I've realized that it's for the best. Sometimes distance and time are the best things for a floundering relationship. As much as I didn't want to admit that, it's true in any situation where things get this bad.

So now it makes a little more sense. And I can honestly view this as what's best for both of us. And everyone we care about.

So, that being said, I should update you all about things that matter.
School starts Monday, I can't say I'm feeling anything but numb about that, I have very few classes but a huge amount of time to spend in the lab every week, and aside from human sexuality, yoga (just reminded myself of another dream....George Clooney was teaching a spiritual breathing class in a huge dried up river bed and at one point asked for ten necklaces so he could put them in the small stream right behind us and make them appear up on a cliff...), and a retardo-required criminal justice class that teaches me about the scientific method (hello, i'm writing an HONORS THESIS, I think I know enough about methods), I only have lab stuff. I'm sure I'll keep you posted.

The money came a few days ago, thank christ, and unsurprisingly I've been spending it like it's water again, but I actually feel like I won't be spending too much more before I get bored...there are just a couple more things I want, all of which are cheap, and then I can hoard the rest for Vegas.

JD and I went to Indy last night on a whim, just to dick around, and went shopping. Then we ate at Max and Erma's, which was weirdly symbolic for me because the last and only other time I've ever been to that restaurant was this same one, on JD's birthday, and we got in a fight that I picked because I was being retarded. So this time we talked about the future, and grad schools for me and what he'll be doing, and it's not like I ever really thought he should have to pick up and finish his undergrad stuff wherever I end up for school, but the fact that he said he would and wouldn't mind was very reassuring.

I'm blissfully happy with him. Everything works out for the best.

We're going home tomorrow night for the Newburgh Jazz Fest, which I wouldn't normally care about but Janiece Jaffe, wife of Mr. Burns the martial arts coordinator and Reiki Master of the 1st degree, not to mention a phenomenal jazz singer, is performing thanks to JD setting her up with the gig, so we're going to go and show our support. Plus she is the absolute cutest, sweetest woman in the whole world. I think anyone who will be in town should try to go...she's at 7:30 Saturday night.

We had a house meeting earlier this week where it was decided that replacing our sucky prodigy internet with a cable modem would be a good idea, and then I called some people and discovered that if we bumped our service from normal tv to that PLUS some digital channels, we got an all-around price break and are now (soon) going to be paying $22 for phone and cable and internet, instead of just for phone and internet. I love Insight.
Also at this meeting we smoothed over a lot of the things that piss us off about each other, and I feel much better about the prospect of another year with these 4 others together iin one house.

Anyway, I'm sure there's a good reason for everything.
there's your update, Stace. I vote for you to come to Evansville this weekend, although I won't be around much at all. I hope you DO find something enjoyable to do with your time, however.

Smooches

...sigh

What is wrong with everyone? Why are all these people I care about hurting because of angry, shitty things said that aren't going to hold true in a few weeks? What the hell is going on, seriously, it's freaking me out.

the ongoing drama between Stacey and Shane is frustrating because it reminds me very much of the last things that Keith and I said to each other, things that I sure as fuck wish I could take back now, things that are only ever said in an attempt to hurt someone else as badly as you can

Look, it's not worth it. Friendship like the ones we've all found in each other are NOT common, and we should all know better by now. Surely someone is big enough now to realize that never speaking again, storming off from a hugely important relationship to lick your wounds in relative isolation (even if surrounded by doting friends) is not worth it. It hurts more with time, when you realize what a fine line you have to walk in dealing, seeing, being around, even THINKING about this person. I hate to watch this happen and KNOW how much Stacey cares about Shane, know how futile I now think it is but KNOW that if she didn't care it wouldn't hurt her, and not have anything helpful to say.

it hurts because we care TOO much, and the offended/angry/jilted/shortchanged person does the only thing he CAN do by walking away. And with me, it's always a pride thing not to run after them, but for Stacey that's not even an issue and she's

I can't quiet the voice in my head telling me to fucking SAY something, dammit, say something or risk having to kick yourself for eternity for not trying, futile as it obviously is, regardless of the personal cost or infinite number of reasons not to. Some of you know how that is, that itch to DO something and regret it rather than having to regret some action you didn't take because you were being safe, or rational, or sane. I think I am a perfect example of why NOT to act on it, but that's never stopped me before. However, I can't justify actually trying to talk to Keith about this mess for those aforementioned infinite number of reasons (it's selfish of me no matter how you slice it, nothing good would come of it, easing MY discomfort about the way things ended won't do shit for anyone else, i lose any shred of dignity i had left--ha, it won't get through to him, it's not worth it, it's selfish of me, it will just remind him that i still exist, it will make me look like an ass, it's selfish of me, it's selfish of me, it's selfish of me, etc.) and then also because I am a chicken, and I think with amazingly good reason; if someone concocts ridiculous excuses to miss Stacey's birthday festivities because I am there then I don't think it's preposterous to assume that any attempt at communication directly with him would be deleted.

Plus, the main reason not to: It Would Be Astoundingly Selfish of me to think that six months has been long enough for us to pretend the other is imaginary and to move on with everyday things. And then I ask myself, what the fuck would come of talking now? Would we realize that things are spiffy keen now that there's been enough time and distance to wipe the foggy hate from our eyes? No. Would we become instantly close again? No, and the old emails from the practice run last September of this "I never want to hear of or from you or see you or talk to you ever again" give me all the answers I really should need.

Then what the fuck is wrong with me, what is WRONG with me to keep this inane little spark of optimism, this unrealistic, selfish back-of-my-mind thought that if enough time passes and I say the magic words, all will be well again in waking life? (Because, youknow, this is all very simple business in dreams...in mine, this has all been fixed for months). Bullshit. There IS no right thing to say, there IS no amount of time in all of human existence to right these wrongs. There is nothign to be done about it. I don't even think apologizing would help...see, I'm fucked either way here. I don't want to apologize, I want to talk. I am sorry for a lot of things, but I won't use that as bait, I dont' want to use any of the things I want to say as bait, and of course I look at this outline of Things That Need To Be Said in my head and I try to see things as I woudl if I Hated the person saying them to me, and I find everything to be selfish and manipulative, and I say that without the slightest twinge of irony.

I can't DO anything; I'm stagnating in this place of needing desperately to say things that, if not said, will haunt me for a lifetime. I'm pulling my hair out because I don't KNOW if that last "fuck you" was in anger or if

yes i do. I do too know the answer to that. It's my wishful thinking that changes "i've thought this over carefully, and you suck" into "oooh, i'm so pissed i'm not thinking straight so go away for awhile but eventually try to get my attention and we'll talk about this"
See, at the very least I can now see that I am a delusional child. Hahaha. Finding humor in all this is keeping me from being angry.

I have to pause to remind myself that this discomfort is what he intended for me, and what he suggested would happen when I "realize what I did." It is wholly idiotic to think that I would get any sympathy (or any response whatsoever) for disliking my present situation. I don't feel outwardly that my wanting to "fix" things (and don't fucking ask me how, it's just the word that comes to mind; I suppose more fitting woudl be "magically have things be exactly as I want them") is selfish, but I realize at the same time that it, by its very nature, has to be. I don't even know why I want to deal with this. It's not because I think he needs me as a fatuous ray of smiley oblivion in his life, and it's not because I think mine would be any brighter with him back in it. It's not because I think we'll sit down and realize that indeed, we are both in the same place now and being friends again is an option. It's not even that I think I would get things off my chest; I think about this fantastic "meeting" and even in my own mind I can't find the words to speak, and I can't find the place to start, and Imaginary Keith gets up, frustrated with my inept-ness, and scoffs away, vowing never to waste his time with such again.

And who could blame him? I have no good reasons for being preoccupied with this. It's just that stupid, nagging, daunting "you'll be kicking yourself if you don't DO something about it" voice that will not shut up. It's the fear of misinterpreting the unbelievably clear last words, it's the idiotic belief that I could want the friendship to work badly enough that I could force it to. It's the "what if" voice that invades my perfect life, it's the undealt-with skeleton that comes bounding out of the closet at the most inconvenient times, it's the 9% chance that it wouldn't blow up entirely in my face. It's this stupid, unyielding optimism about gloomy things that has made my life one fuck of an interesting ride but also one fuck of an unrealistic, achey nightmare for me to extoll endlessly to people like Stacey and JD, people who easily can say they know more about me than I know about myself. It's this optimism that does not care if wanting this is selfish, because SOMETHING SOMEHOW SOMEWHERE might just come of it.

It's absolutely ridiculous, I realize.

But it's important to me to shut the voice up. I don't really know what it would accomplish. I don't think it's realistic to expect it even to be read. I don't even know where or how I'd send it. I don't know what I'd say. I don't think he would see it as anything BUT selfish, no matter what I said, and he'd be right. Wanting to talk to him is because I want to. If he wanted to talk he'd have said something by now, right? So it IS selfish, because he doesn't want to deal with it anymore, and that's fine.
I may think I need this, but I am a big fan of time healing all wounds, and I think this is no exception. Does this mean that when enough time passes, Keith and I will be able to be friends again, if we so choose? Yes, I think so, but then I think about the fact that we are all almost real adults in the real world, and my chance to say somethign and have it matter is not going to overlap with an appropriate amount of time having passed. Thus, I have to understand that I can't do anything, that writing him is simply out of line, and that it's not fair for me to do it.
I'm upset now becasue I don't want things to have to be like this when there are group events. I don't want to treat people like Stacey like stepchildren (her analogy, I must give credit) to be used as leverage in getting at one another. Thinking this would do any good for either of us is just stupid. It would probably hurt me a lot more than I realize now anyway.

So the important thing should be What Keith Needs rather than What I Want. That alone is enough to decide things for me. I have no right to impose my thoughts on him unsolicited, now or ever. And what the fuck did I really expect would happen? I didn't just play with fire, I invited it over to my swingset made of kerosene-dipped straw and newspaper.

Yeah, there are a lot of things I need to say that my journal, various notebooks, computer, blog, friends, and self are sick of hearing. I'm not angry; I haven't been. I understand myself better, and can see the things other people see about me that I couldn't before. I want Keith to know that I am sorry for a lot of things, most notably the way he and I treated each other. I also want him to know that I will always, ALWAYS be here ready to talk or listen at a moment's notice if he ever wants that. But I want him to be able to breathe easy and not worry about me trying to communicate with him. It's not pride this time, but a sincere wish to go along with what he wants and continue "fucking off" until he calls it off.

There's nothing I can actively do to help or fix this, and I guess that's been obvious to a few of you all along, but I like to do things the hard way. Typing this has been more of a catharsis for me than anything else in a long, long time. I think it's safe to assume that he doesn't read this, but maybe now I can rest easy knowing it's out there and he might know what I'm thinking without my having to intrude on his request for silence.

Anyway, it's late and I've said too much already. I would appreciate it if any of you who read this and have questions or comments or just don't know what to say (you don't have to say anything) would please email me, I would prefer to have the first crack at telling the story than have you all gradually hear it third or fourth-hand.

Thank you all for listening

So from now on, refer to me as a manipulative, self-serving, GOLD DIGGING bitch, ok?

Hahahah
Things are still hilarious here, I am having obscene amounts of fun, and today Matt and I went shopping so I could finally get Stace some birthday presents. So 1st we went to Old Navy to try to get her a nice brown rugby shirt (hey, she said she liked it) but they were made of SPANDEX and we couldn't decide so we had a big fight about it (hahaha, no we didn't) and then I found her a nice brown sweater cardigan instead, its pretty and she's pretending to like it

So THEN we bought her a nice blow-up doll, which was especially funny when the guy behind the counter snickered at me when I went to pay for it, and then we went to the salvage store and I got her 11 plaques with spaces for pictures that we're converting into a Wall of Fame in the living room, as I type these very words. So as we wait for the 1-hour film people (Walgreens is fucking awesome to have 24 hour 1 hour developing) to finish so we can go get our newest photos, we are rearranging the posters and Aaron is in here watching me type this...so anyway, lates

uhm, whoops, that posted me mid-sentence. What the shit

so yeah, let's just say it's a non-stop party here where everyone wakes up really early and goes to school and I sleep until noon on the couch and wake up just as Matt's getting home

Which today happened to be earlier than he was supposed to, and he was all excited because he wanted to drag me to Kentucky Kingdom, which would've been awesome except I AM SCARED OF RIDES
So we fought about this for EVER, him finally bullying and pulling me by the hair into his car, which miraculously wouldn't start, hahahahah, but then he had the brilliant idea to push it around and coast down a hill, which then gave the battery enough juice to actually start the car, that fucker. So we get there and I'm crying quietly in the passenger seat because I AM SCARED OF RIDES and the park is closed, fucking closed because the Kentucky State Fair is on, hahahahahahaha

So instead we went to the zoo, which SUCKS BAD here, but we amused ourselves by getting this picture against a green screen that, when printed, looked like I was pushing him into a crocodile's mouth, ahahahah and then we got hilarious stickers made of us looking quizically at a pig, which we then went to show Stacey at her work, and she thought were pretty great.

So that's been my day thusly far, Matt and I are here and he's cooking food for when Stace gets home (can anyone imagine how KICK ASS it is to be staying with culinary students? Last night we had artichoke and spinach basil pesto pizza, and a lot of alcohol...oh that reminds me, I tried Super Happy Fun Drink Hurricane, and it is AWESOME)

And earlier Matt said something about making a version of that corn mush you get with food at Chi Chi's, which as some of you know is my absolute favorite thing to eat on the whole planet, so I am excited. PLus Stacey gets her pics back from her birthday, which should be hilariously amusing.

So I think we're gonna eat and then try to coerce Aaron into giving us his tickets for the state fair, and I am super excited. Matt and Stacey are super super awesome people...I have no money so I've been mooching off them, leech-style, but they don't even care, and I can't even list all the times Matt has considerately read my mind and gotten something for me I needed but was too lazy to get up and get, so that's awesome too.

Other than him being a bully and starting an icing fight at Stacey's bakery, he's about the nicest guy in the whole world (hear that, Chris, you're getting a run for your money, ahahah)

Anyway, more about that later.

Hey everyone

So I'm still at Stacey's, and I must say I am having a fabulous time, although I've drunk more hanging around

I think I had a few of the words wrong in that last post, but you get the gist. That song has been in my head for five days now, and shows no signs of leaving. Anyway, I have things to say about that and then things to say about what I've been up to, but not in that order

I came home Thursday, and Jenny came home and said she was hanging out with Jake Fuller that night, and for some reason I ended up with them. Jenny, Jake and I went grocery shopping for my mom, and then we got home and mom and JD had ordered a pizza, and then JD and I went to Lowes's for like three hours with the intent of getting me new apartment keys since I lost mine but ended up walking around with his dad and looking at all the cool appliances. It's decided, I want to be insanely rich so I can have a stainless steel kitchen

Anyway, so then we came back to mom's and Jenny and Jake were gone and then JD left and I waited for Stacey to call me, which never happened, even though she claims they tried to, and then Jenny and Jake came back and we all sat around amusing ourselves until 3am

I like Jake a lot, oh and I found out Jesse is getting married, which blew my mind, especially since I asked Jake if it was to the girl I saw him with last Xmas at the movie theater and Jake was like "no, that was the girl before this one. This one has the biggest boobs in the whole world"

So that's that.
And Friday I called Stacey and she and Aaron came and got me, and we went to go meet Kyle at Shyler's, and we ate a huge pile of fried food, and it was fun. And then Kyle decided he wanted to go to the mall and try out for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, so we all went and stood in line forever and right before we got in Kyle went off somewhere with Jeremy and missed his Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with that new host souvenir gold coin that doubled as your admission ticket, so he didn't get in the thing. Stacey and Aaron and I, all thinking we were pretty smart, abysmally failed the scantron test and were NOT invited to stay for an interview. Ha. The Mr.Lockyear lookalike-guy who had been right in front of us in the line and kept answering the practice questions the radio station people were asking, and thus KEPT winning prizes, annoying me because I would have my hand in the air and be jumping around like an ass to get their attention and he would casually use his HUGE ASS ness to obscure me from their view, in which case he would get to answer ANOTHER question right and get ANOTHER hat or t-shirt or free something, of course sat right next to me during the test and of course passed it with flying colors. Ha.

So then we had to hurry over to BW3's because it was nearly 6, and we all went in, and getting tables wasn't too bad, and Stacey started getting plastered, and Sarah Bourdeau was working there, and she didn't look happy to see a huge table of Castle people, and we stayed at the restaurant for about three hours.And somewhere in the course of THIS day I find out that Amy is now engaged, and the wedding's scheduled for MAY, and again my mind is blown by this. And then we all went over to Nick's, which I had never seen, and was thoroughly impressed by

And yeah, I got pretty drunk, but I had a ton of fun with the other drunkies and Stacey made out with everyone there, etc.

Then Saturday everyone came over to my mom's and then we went to Cafe Asia, which had pretty good Thai curry, and then to Showplace to see Blue Crush, where all the boys promptly crapped out on us and went in Triple X, so fuck them. And then after we ended up unsurprisingly at Friday's, and then to Super Walmart, and we all bought hair dye whcih we used on each other at Jeremy's house. So now me and Kyle and Stacey and Aaron have the same color hair, hahahaha

And then Sunday I went to lunch with my mom and we figured out a way to get her out of this fucking rut, and I am super optimistic about it. And then Stacey and Aaron came to get me from Applebee's, and I drove her car to Louisville. And that's where I am now, with a shitload of time to kill, since she's working and having school probabaly every day I'm here, so anyone who wants to come visit me should definitely do that, you don't even have to tell me you're coming

HA
So in other news, I keep mulling this one specific problem over, and what to do about it, and I finally realized the other night that I have all the answers in front of me from a year ago, and if I want to know what will happen in any given course of action, I can just pull up the old emails and remind myself why it's a bad idea. And that seems disappointing, but then when I realize that I can finally see the pattern, and the things about it I couldn't even see a month ago, I feel like I'm in a much better place than I have been. I still can't promise that I won't snap and write something before my brain can kick in, but at this point it's much less likely to be something I'll thik better off the next day.

Anyway, I'm having plenty of time to be introspective while I'm here, and I'm hoping I'll come up with some solutions.

time takes care of the wounds
so i can believe
you had so much to give
you thought I couldn't see
gifts for bootheels to crush
promises deceived
i had to send it away to bring us back again

your eyes and body are bright and silent waters deep
your precious daughter in the other room asleep
a kiss goodnight from every stranger that I meet
i had to send it away to bring us back again
morning theft
i'll pretend i left
ungrateful

true self is what brought you here to me
the place where we can accept this love
friendship battered down by useless history
an example in failure

but am i still to you
some thief who stole from you
some fool drama queen
whose chances were few
love brings us to who we need
a place where we can save
a heart that beats as both siphon and reservoir

you're a woman, i'm a calf
you're a window, i'm a knife
we come together making chance in the starlight
meet me tomorrow night
or any day you want
i have no right to wonder just how or when
though the meeting fits
there's no relief in this

i miss my beautiful friend

i had to send it away to bring her back again


(Morning Theft, by Jeff Buckley)

I just had a neato dream

I was visiting a big nearby city like Indy and in the same place but not Indy, because it was cool and reachable by train from all directions, including Bloomington, and I was going there to meet up with Jarrod and Keith and their friend who was a lot like Monty's friend Jake who I met at the Jimmy Eat World show a couple weeks ago but wasn't the same guy, if that makes sense.
So we all met up in the train station which was a big tall building decorated like the Jungle from Eville rather than a sprawling complex like most Union Stations are, and everyone was excited to see each other. We all went around and did stuff in the city but I don't remember anything specific.
Then we were back in the restaurant of the train station and sitting at a long banquet table with some other people, I think AndyEDIT and Janel were among the newcomers, and Jake was delighting everyone with his witty stories and many talents. It turned out that he had a really great voice, for speaking, and made his living doing commercials and things. I pretended not to believe him so he'd prove it, and he did by reading some greeting cards aloud to the whole table like they were Shakespeare. He was wonderful, and everyone agreed that he was very talented. So then he seemed to know everything about everything else in the world btu it wasn't annoying like it would be if most people did that.
And then I was walking up all the stairs trying to find the boys because I'd gotten separated from them and we were supposed to meet back up for dinner somewhere, and I couldn't find them in the restaurant and my train was leaving soon. So I was climbing endless stairs looking in every floor of the restaurant and I couldn't find them, and finally I got frustrated and yelled, "Where are all the Castle people?" and a passing waitress, EDIT: Ramone Sace, helpfully pointed me to the back corner where, sure enough, they all were sitting. I went over and they were putting their coats back on and getting ready to leave, and they said hi and I was kind of pissed that they'd eaten without me and hadn't bothered to try to find me. So then Keith was talking about how he's in "his third year" of school which means he's in intense training for real world flying, and instead of riding his train back he was just going to have to rent a plane and fly, because his school didn't want him to use any other mode of transportation to get around. And then I was sad that we'd all be going back the ways we came and I was walking down the stairs alone when Jarrod came up and handed me a pack of cigarettes that I put into my purse without thinking. I remember I was wearing a dark coat and a scarf at this point. And then I thought about how Jarrod had $150 in his wallet that I felt he should give to me. And then I woke up

So that's maybe 90% of the dream, but I'm keeping the rest for myself, teehee

I'm coming home this afternoon and I'll be in Eville through Sunday, most likely, and hopefully I'll see everyone who reads this at Stacey's birthday party tomorrow.
After this weekend I think I'm going to go stay at Stacey's for about a week and just ignore my responsibilities in Bloomington for a good chunk of time
so if anyone wants to come along with me, let me know, ha
Anyway, I have to go shower and pack and eat

Smooches
*****

I wake up and feel like I'm still asleep these days.
Fucking shit. I had a weird dream yesterday, see if you can tell me what it means:

I was at Stacey's roommate Matt's house in Newburgh, but I know what his parent's house actually looks like and this wasn't it. I think this was Toni's parent's house. So we were standing around in the driveway talking about something and it was really tense, like there was something we were trying hard not to talk about, and he was drinking something out of a glass bottle. I was playing with the cap of his drink and accidentally stuck it in my pocket. Then I decided I had to get going or I'd be late for church at St. John's, so I took off sprinting down that road (Lenn?) and ran the whole way.
I get to church and I'm out of breath and Amy is sitting just inside the door and she doesn't say anything to me, just looks kind of disgusted with me, and then Nick and Kyle walk in with Stacey. And they're dressed alike, with bright pink hair and shirts and jean skirts. And I remember noticing that Nick's skirt has a diagonal hem while Kyle's is straight across, and before I have time to wonder about that, they start getting crappy at me for being late to church, even though I beat them there. Stacey starts telling me she has a weird surprise for me, that I'll be thrilled to hear that Keith is in her car and is planning on coming into church even though I'm there too, and I get really excited. And then I remember that I have Matt's bottlecap and I feel like a jerk but I have to leave and give it back to him because I'm convinced he'll be pissed. So I leave and on the way out pass Stacey's car but it looks like no one's inside it

then I wake up

And I also had a dream where I wanted to put my flipflops on but they were made of compressed bananas, and were really squishy, and I think in this "dream" i was quite awake because I remember JD being like "wouldn't banana shoes be too slippery to wear" to which I snottily replied "NO, cuz they have graham cracker crust bottoms"

it all makes sense in the dreams

I keep typing the next bits and then deleting them, convinced that there is a better place for thoughts like the ones I can't shake lately but unsure where that better place is. In letters I won't be sending? Probably, except for knowing beforehand that I won't send them defeats the purpose of writing an honest letter.

Anyway, I'm far too introspective this morning to be writing about it on here

I'm not quite sure I know what day it's supposed to be. It's dark outside and I've been sleeping for hours and JD just left to go get me chicken noodle soup and I'm having to assume that it's 11 PM and that's really going to fuck with my already-bizarre sleep schedule

Obviously I am back from the conference, our plane left DC this morning at 8:30 DC time, so I got up at 4:30 Bton time, and it sucked. And I think planes are cool but they make me ever-so-slightly nauseous and I can't have fun when I'm seasick

Ok, so the talking about the conference will have to wait, I still have mixed feelings about it and am not sure I can be totally objective about what I've learned from it or what I thought of it as a whole, it was very instructive in the ways of "this is what you'll be doing with your life if you actually decide to go into research, liz" so that was good, and if it had been anyone other than Raedy with me (sharing a bed, no less) in the hotel for that long in that setting I would've killed them, so that's good, but suffice it to say that there's a reason I want to do social rather than cognitive science, and I'll just get into that later

This week is another lame-o cram session of running kids for Dr. Smith's study she's publishing, and after it's finished I am taking a fucking vacation, meaning I want to go visit Stacey for about a week and a half before school starts

Speaking of, I need that refund check.....ooooh yeah, any time now would be great

Anyway, I thought I'd say I'm back, it was fine, I've slept about 16 hours since I've been home so I'll be up all night if anyone reads this and wants to call and chat, ah hahahaha
I am sick, I have a sore throat that sounds worse than it feels, but I am all about feeling sorry for myself over it,and I would hope you guys would too
Ha

So I'm going to go try to look pathetic and see if JD will make the soup for me so I don't have to get dressed or leave my room
I am SO happy to be home. With things to do, and transportation, and people I like to talk to or just sit around with not frantically discussing my latest research project...it's a lot more competitive than I ever imagined it could be in this community.

Yeah, nevermind. I'm getting back in bed

So I just got back from the blue belt test and it was AWESOME, Patrick and Mr. Burns were the only ones judging the five of us who were testing for various ranks, and Patrick had my sheet, which meant that everything I did was punctuated by encouraging syllables for "good"

he sounds like a thesaurus, I swear

His favorites are "fanTAStic", "OUTstanding", "pheNOMenal", "EXcellent, excellent, excellent" and so on

Really makes a girl feel good about her kicks, you know?
Chris knows what I'm talking about...anyway, the test went fanfuckingtastically, although as usual there are things I now know I need to work on BADLY, but I'm already looking forward to brown. Hehhhhh

In other news, I leave for the conference in DC tomorrow morning, which means no updates for awhile, which I know is so depressing to no one at all since I'm the only one who reads this, but hey, who cares.

I'm annoyingly nervous to be getting on a plane, and I know it's retarded, and I know it's not going to crash into anything, but just in case, I love you guys. All of you. Even the sucky ones hiding there in the back. Just so it's been said

Dr. Smith, my lab boss, is now officially my lab boss, as she's hired (created jobs for and pulled strings to hire) me and Raedy as her personal bitches/honors students, which means we'll be paid to do extra bitch work in the lab for her as well as our honors projects, so I'll be in there roughly 395984598437847 hours a week from now on, but since I've been whining about needing a job/wanting an income, this one just fell into my lap and it's something I'm good at doing. It was really unexpected of her to ask, and there's a SLIM chance we could be able to get C permits instead of E, which would expand our parking options exponentially, and that would be the icing on an already super sweet cake.

Anyway, i have a shit ton of things I should be doign rather than this, like packing, and sleeping, and finishing my homework for this stupid class, so I'm out. If there are any crashes in the news, I'm on United 7744. Ha. I'll be home Sunday

Smooches

I have to apologize for my ranting about my roomie last time, I felt a million times better but then extremely bitchy and my conscience has been nagging me to update so that's not the most recent thing everyone sees. Anyway, since then of course he stopped being so antisocial and strange, and his dad is here now which is really weird for all of us, and he thinks Raedy is his girlfriend and that he is not gay, and they're flying to Oregon later this week.

Anyway

It's been a busy weekend, up until nowish. Friday was the Jimmy Eat World show, and I got to see Jenny, Jennifer Miller, Monty, his friend Jake, Jennifer's friend Jill, Toni, Dustin, Raj, Troy's Toni and the kids, Chris, Dave, a bunch of Chris's sister's friends, and a thousand hoey little kids

It was an ok show, I thought (unsurprisingly, since they suck) that the Promise Ring sucked, and JEW played all my favorite songs but will never come close to topping that St. Louis show with Hey Mercedes, which might actually be my all-time favorite show ever.
But it was good, we all went to Steak N Shake after (not all, toni and dustin left and raj and the other toni didn't) and I was surprised at how much I liked Ryan's friend Jake (apparently he goes to Purdue too, and he's really awesome), and I have a big group picture of all the people who were there that I'm sure will be hilariously amusing for me. Man, what a weird group of people

So then we dropped Ryan and Jake off at their car (I love Monty) and me, Jenny, and Jennifer drove back to Bloomington where we found Chris and Dave and all his sister's friends waiting

whoops

So everyone spent the night, yay
And then the next day they all left and me and Jenny and Jennifer drove back to Eville cause it was my mom's birthday and we (me and JD and mom and Jenny and Mike) were all supposed to go out to eat

So we went to O'Charley's where the service was terrible and I realized that I'd HAD this same waiter before, once when Mel and toni and Stace and I had gone there, and he had SUCKED. For example, I remember ordering raspberry tea and receiving raspberry syrup. I told him, and he BROUGHT ME A GLASS OF WATER AND SUGGESTED I DILUTE IT WITH THE WATER. Same kind of stuff went on for mom's birthday dinner. We ordered spinach dip as an appetizer, and he forgot it and brought it right before our food, and mom complained (like she always does, heh heh heh) through the whole thing and was hilarious and everything was nice and hilarious...and I asked the waiter if they did anything for birthdays and he looked at me kind of shitty and was like "I'll see what we have" which didn't make sense but then he re-appeared with a huge ass piece of awesome chocolate cake

Ha

So then last night JD and I came back to Bton cause he had to work this morning, and I got up when he came home at noon and made him go look for shoes for the conference with me, and BLAM I found a cute pair of flip flops I "needed" and he found me dress shoes that are perfect on clearance for $5, so it kicked ass. And then we went to the mall and I got a pair of green khakis, also for the conference, and I've just begun packing stuff and already my conference wardrobe looks like I'm trying to be Hanako or a Gap ad and only involves neutral boring colors. But I suppose that's what research is all about

So yeah, nothing much happening today. Jd and I might go play at the HPER later, but I don't really know what we'll do. Tuesday's my big suck-fest of a day, so I'm just kind of sitting tight until it's all done. And then Wednesday I leave for DC.

Not much to say other than that. The show was really fun, I had SO MUCH FUN with Jenny and Monty it's hard to believe how hard we laughed at some things...awesome though.

I wish JD would update his blog. He actually has interesting things going on in his life. this soundtrack thing for troy's movie and the album project....I keep catching myself daydreaming about what he'll finally decide to end up doing with his life, and how interesting it'll be to watch. Very few people are as multi-talented as he is, I think, and its kind of fun to watch him try to figure it out. I think he'd be equally happy teaching hapkido or being a federal agent or writing philosophy books about Disney shows or scoring films or playing in a band, and most people can't say that they have so many things they love to do. that they could make a living at, anyway

I'm gonna go clean my room for real now