this one might be a doozy...

Just got back from Chicago a little while ago, it KICKED ASS on so many levels, but I think my favorite aspect was how MUCH I felt like I was in Ferris Buehler's Day Off the whole weekend. Hahahahahahah.

So me 'n JD 'n Andy drove up Friday afternoon, and I managed to sleep through yoga and then skip my other class, so last week I ONLY attended my hapkido classes, which is pretty hysterically pathetic of me, but hey I felt sick, kind of.

So we're right on schedule, get to the hotel (Andy works where JD used to, gets a phat discount) and check in, and throw our stuff down and watch a bit of the Sopranos and then we head off to the 10:30 Mr. Show, and it is AWESOME, and hilarious, and I would be hard-pressed to describe my favorite part because it was so all-around kick ass....the coolest thing mght have been the assorted stickers that Andy bought, with Pit-Pat, Wyked Scepter, T'aint, and many more.

And the best part was hearing "if education had a dick, I'd suck it"

so then we were hungry so they dragged me to white castle, and we were in the ghetto anyway, and I hate white castle, but whatever. And then Saturday we woke up and the first thing we all did was talk about our freaky dreams that we'd all had...mine involved being chased by a serial killer in a high school with my Asian friends, and then we got up and headed into town. Good fucking god I love Chicago....I don't want to "rank" my grad school choices because nothing will get me rejected faster than having a favorite, but I will be SO happy if I get in to one of the Chicago ones.

We went to the Aquarium, which is awesome anyway and then I love aquariums on top of that, and we spent a good 5 hours there, and then went hiking around and shopping and stuff, and then we went and ate pizza in union station because you have to in Chicago, and I called my grandma to let her know we were in town, and

then we came back to the hotel, and watched more Sopranos, and I studied sort of for the GRE, and eventually went to sleep, and woke up early this morning to go see grandma. JD and Andy dropped me off and went to Omega, this bad-ass restaurant she normally takes me and whoever else is with me out to, and we sat around and talked about the same nothing we always do, and Im reminded that I love my grandma a lot, and she is super cool, which was reaffirmed when Andy and JD came to pick me up, came in for awhile, and Andy exclaimed over every artistic thing in the apartment (which is a lot of stuff; my grandfather was a ridiculously good artist) and then said she was awesome. While there I also spoke to Auntie Denny on the phone, and she's somehow becoming more and more cool to me...but I can still see why she and mom don't necessarily get along.

So then we went to a Cubs game (vs. Pittsburgh) and I don't care for baseball and neither do JD and Andy, but it was actually pretty cool and I remembered that I like GOING to sporting events if not watching them on tv...and we left early and came back home, and here I am now, putting off studying and cramming for the GRE tomorrow night, putting off fixing the methodological problems with my thesis so I can kick it into gear this week, putting off doing anything I need to...

Anyway, it's shaping up to be a busy week. I need to get to it

So I just want to call EVERYONE'S ATTENTION TO THE NEW LINKS OFF TO THE SIDE, INCLUDING A NEW PICTURE LINK

I think you'll all find it amusing. And Stace, as soon as I finish that darned roll of film in my camera you can bet I'll post all the remaining pics from your birthday/My weeklong trip to Louisville. Fear not.

I've been lazy as fuck today, I did absolutely nothing, including leaving the house except to go pick up a pizza a few hours ago, and it has been NICE. I think anyone who can afford to slack off this much once in awhile definitely should, it relieves everything negative.
I would write about WHAT I've been up to, but you all got a long boring email from me today that should take care of any questions about my activities you might have had. And Janel, thanks for your empathy with the GRE....I have been on the phone most of the night with the NICEST administrative person in the whole world who is pulling strings and making phone calls to try to get me in sometime Monday night, when he could've been like "go fuck yourself, we're all full"

I am constantly amazed by people who go out of their way for others. Speaking of things that amaze me...Jenny and I had a wonderful conversation last night that put things back in perspective for me better than anyone else has been able to, and I am grateful for that. Oh, and Mr. Show starts in less than 48 hours, so I am in an awesome mood.

anyway, you guys all need to go check out those pictures, I spent a lot of time making jd scan them into his computer (ha) so the least you can do is go fawn over them...even if you've already seen them a million times. Also, Evan, if you're reading this, THERE YOU GO. If you have any questions about who people are just let me know.

OH! And you'll notice I put a link to my lab over there too....for a good laugh and a face to put the names with, check out the "about us" section

Char's the one who sends out mass emails that say "has anyone seen the stapler?"

Alright, I finally feel like I'm getting on top of things and can probably stop freaking out all the damn time. I've got a final list of schools, I'm thisclose to being able to start running subjects in my thesis, and I can't really find anything to complain about.

I've been thinking a lot about karma. I'm not sure why, I've started believing in things like fate and karma more strongly again after a couple years of not knowing what the hell was going on, and it's comforting. I like the whole idea of things being somewhat out of my control. Sometimes I wonder when the other shoe's going to fall, karma-wise, and I can't help but hope that it already has, and that this is as bad as it's going to get.

Anyway, I'll probably rant more on this later when I'm awake.
Here's my list of schools:
University of Chicago
Loyola Univ. (Chicago)
Univ. of North Carlolina
UC Davis
UC Irvine
Simon Frasier Univ (Canada)
Kent State Univ.
and then Tennessee at Chattanooga, Arkansas, and ABERDEEN (this is my guilty pleasure application school) are on the maybe list. I need to look into them some more. It looks like I'll be at least a LITTLE further from Eville. Good, maybe that'll motivate my mom to get the hell out of Dodge, finally.

Alright, so I'm in Evansville and am once AGAIN scouring the online psych article archives from IU to try to find people whose work interests me so I can go apply to their programs, and I'm finding myself drawn to false memories and children testimony, so maybe I WILL end up working in a lab with kids for the rest of eternity. Whatever. Thankfully, I'm starting to find people at schools all over the place I'd be thrilled to work with, as opposed to the handful of forensic/psych and law programs that even exist, let alone that sound appealing or are respectable...

I'm about sick of freaking out over it, and I'm definitely finding that I basically hold my breath for the weekends these days...I've met Karel and Martin, the nice Czech boys that have been here staying with my mom, and we all went out shopping today and I think they're very nice people. Also, JD's grandparents are in town so we had dinner with them, and I just got back from going to Target with JD and Jess and their mom, so I've clearly had a busy, boring last few hours...but the fun's never going to end...tomorrow mom wants to have "brunch" and JD's mom also wants to feed us...and then I come back to school and have to start mucking through it all again..I fucking swear, it's never-ending.

I'm going to take the GRE as soon as possible just so I can get something out of the way...

I just need to take a minute here to say that i LOVE JD's family...his grandpa ALWAYS says the same cheesy thing about how I get prettier every time he sees me and hugs me and says his heating aid buzzes when there's a pretty girl around and cute old man stuff like that, and his grandma is so much like his mom with the whole pointless story thing and then the two of them bickering in the kitchen washing dishes not listening to each other was pretty funny....and then Jess is so much fun to girl around with sometimes, it's really hard for me to think of her as being the same age as me...she's like another sister but the opposite of Jenny, but in a not so bad kind of way...and then there's JD's mom, who fawns over me more than she does JD, and is always telling me how much everyone loves me and how great I am for JD and how much JD loves me and how if he ever treats me bad she'll kick his ass, and and and it's hilarious to me because they all say the same things to me every time I see them for the last four years, and they never get old, and they seem to be more sincere every time now, and I don't know if that's because I'm interpreting them differently or they're just meaning them more...but it's really nice, really fucking nice to have this set of future in-laws. I actually feel comfortable around someone else's family...which is SO bizarre, but so reassuring at the same time.

Anyway, I'm so full of warm and fuzzies that I think I'll go work more on my list of grad school options.

So I started thinking of a list of my all-time favorite cds, trying to limit myself to something like 20, and it spiraled way out of control and I decided, instead, to just list songs that I ADORE and suggest you all make into comp cds for your listening enjoyment.

Ahem

(In NO particular order)

1.) Jeff Buckley- Morning Theft
2.) Ani DiFranco- Untouchable Face
3.) Weezer- Falling for you
4.) Radiohead-How to Disappear Completely
5.) Mogwai- Summer
6.) Earth, Wind, and Fire- September
7.) King Crimson- Three of a perfect pair
8.) Tool- Stinkfist
9.) No Doubt- Sunday Morning
10.) Sublime- Wrong Way
11.) Fiona Apple- Never Is A Promise
12.) Black Heart Procession- It's a Crime I never told you bout the diamonds in your eyes
13.) Tomahawk- God Hates A Coward
14.) Jimmy Eat World- For Me This Is Heaven
15.) Modest Mouse- 3rd Planet
16.) Counting Crows- Round Here
17.)Pedro the Lion- Simple Economics
18.) The Jesus Lizard- Blue Shot
19.) Afghan Whigs- 66
20.) Radiohead- Like Spinning Plates (live)
21.) Mogwai- Take Me Somewhere Nice
22.) Jeff Buckley- Hallelujah
23.) Ani DiFranco- Gravel
24.) Weezer and Soul Coughing- American Girls
25.) Faith No More- The Gentle Art of Making Enemies


heh he heeh hehe
these are all the BEST EVER songs I can think of, right now, off the top of my head
HAH

I don't know what possessed me to do this, but who the fuck cares. I'm sure I'm forgetting another awesome 25 or so, but who the fuck cares.
Anyway, things have been alright over here. I'm starting to be able to see the humor in things that have been stressing me out once again, and THANK CHRIST for that, it's usually the only thing that gets me through the thinner times, and

you want examples? chris my sucktastic roommate is starting to seem more like a certifiable basket case than any kind of threat to my emotional well-being...I find him hysterically unbalanced, and watching him volley between the two outermost extremes of "acceptable" behavior is both stress-relieving (for me) and an entertaining way to spend an hour or so.

Grad school isn't so scary any more...I'm starting to realize that life won't end even if I don't get in anywhere, and if I end up having to go far away, oh well. That's why we all have email. The GRE isn't so scary...i can't BELIEVE how fast Raedy and I have learned so many words, and our verbal scores on practice tests weren't all that bad to begin with. I don't really care how I do...

My thesis is hilarious to me now because I have decided I like the class, after all, and somehow I think having deadlines and pressure to keep up will actually be the very best thing, and it'll make it LESS stressful than all this "I'm totally clueless and on my own" feeling shit

The lab in general is amusing, and being in there for ungodly amounts of time prompts Char to initiate wacky discussions about the MOST random stuff ever, and I'm finally laughing at how overwhelmed I am instead of really caring. So what if Hanako's back and she thinks that raedy and I are still her slaves even though she has hired NEW slaves and we're technically writing our theses? So what if I walked in this morning and she immediately busied me with PUTTING AWAY HER STIMULI AND GETTING RID OF EMPTY CARDBOARD BOXES, something she could have fucking done herself in like five seconds, like all tasks assigned to me and raedy by whichever grad student doesn't feel like wiping their own ass that particular day, so the fuck what

thank christ I'm finally seeing the humor in The Way Things Are. that was getting tense for a couple weeks. I don't feel right in my own skin when I can't sit back and laugh at things that worry me, and for awhile there I really couldn't. Hmmm

Anyway, I'm tired of writing, I'm going to do something wholly unproductive with my evening

First things first:

I had a dream this morning where I was in some kind of Road Rules show, with Ashleigh, Keith, Mike Flaherty, and however many other people there are supposed to be in someting like that. I needed a tissue so I opened Ash's bedroom door to get one and she screamed at me and called me a bitch and told me to get out and leave them alone because I'd done enough already. I grabbed the tissue and got out, and tried for the majority of the dream to figure out why she was mad at me. Eventually I realized that she had been in there with Keith, and since I just emailed him, he was upset about that and bitching to her about how much I sucked. I remember us all having to do a bunch of silly dares that all seemed really familiar to me, but I don't know how

Yeah, so I'm officially feeling under the weather, which is something I've been fighting for weeks and it finally caught up to me last night. My throat is super dry and my nose is dry and runny at the same time, and I feel weak and achey all over. I'm trying not to jump to the conclusion that I have West Nile virus, but considering how many mosquito bites I've been getting at club, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised. At least if I'm dying I will have said everything I need to say to people.

Well, most of what I need to say to people. I'm not going to start thinking like that.

I spent about 7000 hours online last night figuring out that what I want to do in grad school DOES TOO have a name, it's just an insanely small area that's insanely new and there are only a few schools that even offer it. It's either "forensic psychology" or "psych and law" which I never would've dreamed to sound interesting, but there it is, in the description, exactly what I want to study. So there are SOME good places...a lot of universities in California, a lot in British Columbia (which actually would be pretty awesome) and then the rest are scattered across the country. I'll end up applying to CUNY, U of British Columbia, U of Nebraska, U Illinois at chicago, U texas el paso, a school in Fresno, CA, John Jay college of cjus, and then some generic "social/personality" programs that will be my fallbacks. I can't believe that I've spent years scoffing at the doe-eyed undergraduates who think that they're going to be the next Profiler, gleefully announcing that they plan to go into forensics, and now I'm thinking about it. It's not so bad, they didn't understand how NOT in demand "profilers" are, and I'm being realistic about the fact that "forensics" does not mean "guaranteed job with FBI" but I still like it.

I'll keep everyone posted on how things work out.

I wish the dreams would stop sometimes. I mean, I like that I have ones I can remember, but they're all mostly about the same thing, and I wake up more tired than I went to bed because of it. Oh, and Cosmo this month has a section about what certain dreams mean, and none of mine are in there, but I would bet that mine are exactly what I think they are, as mundane and obvious as they seem to me. In this dream I was wearing a lot of dark eye makeup and a weird black cape thing with a furry hood, which I had to have on at all times, and I was chasing someone walking to his car to leave somewhere, and I wanted to catch him and see what he was doing later, and then I was with a friend at his house, I think Janel was there somewhere, and Shane, and this house was really nice and fancy and sad, and the only other part I remember was when my friend and I went to sit down on the bed to wait for this guy and it was made of really smooth wood, and oddly enough it was really comfortable, and we had a doozy of a time sliding around on it and laughing until the guy came in and seemed mad that we thought the wooden bed was for fun.

And Stacey left last night after being here since Wednesday, and I love her a lot, and I am really sorry that I bored her to tears at several points in her stay, and we didn't do anything fun at all except eat, and that sucks, but she didn't seem too pissed about it. Ha.
Yesterday was Raedy's 21st birthday, so me and Mel and Raedy and her other friend Melissa and both of their thirty-year-old boyfriends went to La Charreada and then they all went out to the bars, and as I had instructed them to, called me in the middle of the night and needed a designated driver. Ha. But they had fun, and Raedy had a good birthday, and our doorbell just rang...
I'm thinking it's Melissa's mom, who was coming to visit today.

Anyway, that's what I've been DOING, but I'm more concerned with what I've been THINKING, and that is where things get ugly. Chris (the loser roommate) managed to FORGET Raedy's birthday entirely, except for a call to her cell phone right before we all went to the restaurant, which she decided not to answer. So basically everyone is super-pissed at Chris, which is his own fault because he is the BIGGEST ASSHOLE I have ever met. Anyway, words don't do it justice, all I can think about him now are names to call him and profanity, and thats not going to convince anyone that he's as fucktastically worthless as I happen to think he is. He's in the shower now (amazing, since I just woke up...I don't even know HOW he times it like that) and I want to fling the door open and throw acid on him, but I don't have any and I would rather gouge my own eyes out with silly putty than see him naked. Oh, and I've decided that the best new description of him is NOT "Gay Asian" but rather "six-year-old girl with OCD and an Electra Complex" which for those of you who aren't familiar with Freud, is the girl counterpart of the Oedipal complex, where the little girl supposedly wants her dad.

Yeah, he's a big ball of useless to me, and I haven't been so thoroughly disgusted at someone else's behavior in a long time.

So I'll make sure to let you all know if he tries to apologize. I've thought it through, and although I know it's not very mature, I'm to the point of just wanting him to move out so bad that I could care less if he hates me. Thus, I have some humorous options open, at least of things I'd like to say to him, if he DOES come near me.

Raedy and Mel can forgive him, that's fine, and that's their business, but I don't, and I don't think I'll ever care to. He just isn't a very nice person, no matter how you try to look at it, and he IS the most self-absorbed yet somehow non-individualistic person I've ever met. Fuck, he just makes me want to throw up

And then I've been hunting for appropriate schools to apply to for next year, and I'm finding a weird spattering of things in a bunch of different places...there are forensic psych programs that seem like they might be good for what I want to do, and then personality programs, but I am having trouble finding specific people I want to work with only because I'm not sure what I want to study. Anyway, that's another project for me to finish this afternoon.

In other news, nothing interesting is happening. I'll let you guys know if something changes.

I have had a bitch of a past 24 hours. I think all the stress, imagined and actual, from obsessively worrying about my future caught up to me, and then the dam broke when my roommate Chris and I got into a SCREAMING MATCH in the middle of the night.

Let me tell you WHY, exactly, he picked a fight with me:

He hasn't been home for more than 20 minutes in the last four days. No, I take that back, he is somehow able to arrive home from not sleeping here in the early hours of the morning JUST iin time to get into the bathroom before my alarm goes off, which he then hogs for upwards of 45 minutes. I'm not exaggerating. And the kicker is that HE has class at 10:10 while JD and I have to leave for class at 8:30, and he gets in there at 7:40 to get ready for his fucking class which is LATER THAN OURS ARE

So it seems like he should relinquish the bathroom, at least for 10 minutes so we can both get ready.

Anyway, I hadn't seen him in four days or so, and since it's a day that ends in "y" his dish day has come and gone three days hence, and they're piled up to the ceiling again, and we're all annoyed. Plus he came home long enough to dick around and pretend to "clean" the bathroom when he should've been doing his dishes, but then of course he had to leave. SO, it was midnight and I was getting ready for bed, and I wrote him a note that said:

CHRIS
you need to:

do your dishes
start doing your dishes on your dish day
pay jd for the cable he got you
put the date next to any chores you want us to recognize you having done

thanks, liz

OK, not meant to be shitty. I swear it wasn't. I was even half joking about the dishes. So I taped it to the front door, figuring he could find it eventually and then he'd know what he needs to do around the house, because if someone isn't standing over him with a hot cattle prod, he doesn't do shit.

So I get out of the shower and JD says Chris wants to talk to me, so I walk down to his room and say hi, completely unaware of what's coming (i feel really ignorant for not having seen it) and smiling, actually feeling good to talk to chris since he's never around, and he WHIRLS on me and grabs the paper, waving it in the air and starts shouting at me about how it's "disrespectful" of me to leave a note for him, and that "this shit has to stop, liz"

So I'm agog, absolutely bewildered, and all i can say is "what are you TALKING about??!?! That wasn't even a shitty note!!"

And he's all "you have NO RIGHT to say anything like this to me, and if you want to say something to me, you need to come TALK to me about it"
(and here's where I stopped being civil and started screaming)

Me: CHRIS, YOURE NEVER FUCKING HOME, HOW THE SHIT AM I SUPPOSED TO "COME TALK TO YOU ABOUT IT" IF YOURE NEVER HERE
Chris: then YOU need to call MY cell PHONE and leave me a VOICE mail, it's YOUR problem
Me: i don't HAVE a problem, what are you talking about?!?!
Chris:that's too bad, you need to stop this note shit, and don't you EVER put one on the door for me, I DO NOT appreciate it
Me: What do you want me to do instead?!?!?!
Chris: That's YOUR problem, you need to deal with that AND YOU need to be more respectful to people who call here for me
Me: WHAT?!?! I am perfectly decent to everyone who calls, no matter who they're calling for, and what are you talking about? Give me one fucking example of someone I've been rude to
Chris: My friends and FAMILY
Me: Like WHO?!?!?! What the fuck are you talking about
Chris: YOU need to be more RESPECTFUL, cuz I don't fucking APPRECIATE how you treat other people
Me: ?!?!? !?!?!? I dont' understand what you want me to do about any of this
Chris: (with as much gay fanfare as this POSER can muster) Well, that is YOUR problem, and YOU need to deal with it
Me: I take messages if they want to leave them, and you always get them, and IM NOT YOUR FUCKING SECRETARY AND IF THEY DONT LIKE IT THEY CAN CALL YOU ON YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE
Chris: Well, that;s YOUR PROBLEM
Me: Maybe if you were EVER FUCKING HERE I WOULDN"T HAVE TO TAKE MESSAGES
Chris: Well, I'm "out" so that's JUST TOO BAD, I'm NOT HOME BECAUSE I'M OUT DOING SOMETHING, SO THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM
Me: No, I don't HAVE a problem, UNTIL NOW. YOU ARE SO FUCKING PATHETIC, YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH ANYTHING
Chris: Ok, That's YOUR Problem to DEAL With
Me: Do you feel BETTER now that you've told me all this
Chris: Yeah, I DO Feel better because I DON'T APPRECIATE THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR FROM YOU
Me: I can't even stand to LOOK at you
(slams door)
Chris: (in high-pitched fake nicey voice) PLEASE don't slam my fucking door

Then I ran downstairs and told Mel and Raedy all about it, and they were nice and sympathetic, and as I was going downstairs I started crying, and at first I thought it was just because I was super pissed off, and then I couldn't stop, and it turned into me having some kind of asthma/anxiety attack where I couldn't catch my breath enough to speak and I seriously sat on Raedy's couch sobbing, unable to talk, for 15 minutes (I even tried her inhaler) but I couldn't calm down. And then I was pissed at Chris, but not enough to be that upset, and today all I can think is that EVERYTHING I've been trying not to cry about for the last six months caught me right then and the dam just broke and I've been shaking and almost crying at the stupidest things all fucking day.

I feel like I am having a breakdown
Seriously, I cried for something like three solid hours last night, and I haven't cried that much that hard or had a screaming match with ANYONE (other than my sister) in something like 8 years. But now that I've opened the floodgates, every SINGLE thing that's at all emotionally relevant to me is killing me, and I feel like this is the unstable secret me that exists under the guise of "I have it all together and am super sarcastic and bitchy" Liz that I feel people usually see. I guess I don't deal with this because I don't like crying, except for right after when you've run out of expendable water and all you can do is fall asleep and you feel much better, if only for a little while. Also I guess I don't deal with ANYTHING on a realistic level.

I fucking hate Chris, and I know I have a problem with burning bridges too easily, but I haven't liked him since last fucking spring, and he's becoming more shallow, self-absorbed, and pathetic in my eyes every day. I dont' feel like I did anything to bring on that barrage, and if nothing else it wasnt' fair for me to walk into that "confrontation" unprepared. Also, I have never, EVER in my fucking life been so close to punching someone in the face, and if he tries to offer me some formula, insincere apology to make himself "guilt-free" in the situation, I just might break his nose. I have never been so infuriated by someone (again, other than Jenny) EVER in my life. And he only gets more selfish, and more childish, and more unlikeable, and more easy to write off as some stupid friend of Raedy's that does everything wrong. And I mean it, I could rant for days here, I have PLENTY of examples, but no one wants to hear it.

In other news, I found out today that what I want to do in grad school DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING NAME and is going to be "tricky" for me, to put it mildly, which is upsetting. Also, Stacey is currently on her way here, thank christ, I am desperately needing Stacey time so I don't off myself in the next couple days. I figure the only thing I could do to make it worse for myself is to try calling Keith "just to talk" and see what choice words he has for me. I think I'll postpone all that shit for another time
I'm fucking shaking again, I need to go find fucking schools I can apply to

So I've been pulling my hair out all night. I don't even think I have yet realized (until this evening) just HOW stressful this semester is really going to be, with or without "classes." There is SO MUCH STUFF TO DO. Tonight Raedy and I crammed for the GRE vocab section (we're going to learn 509 ridiculously obscure words in the course of the next few weeks by doing 50 new ones a night...tonight featured such words as "perspicious" and "perspicacious" which are INDEED different) and I get "sagacious" confused with "salubrious" and "perspicacious" and I already have a headache from learning so much shit.

Anyway, we kicked that into gear tonight and until we actually take the test (mid October?) we'll be reviewing EVERY FUCKING NIGHT, which sucks but is what we both need.

Also making my list of Top Ten Crises I Don't Need Today is the fact that I have come to the realization that I don't want to do "social" psych, per se, but in fact I want to find a nice "social-developmental" program that would better fit my interests. Too bad this doesn't exist, and I'm starting to think that since (for some ungodly reason) social is about as hard as clinical to get into (and that means H-A-R-D), that I should apply to developmental programs with social influences and just try to do my work in areas that interest me. BUT then there's the whole issue of ever being able to pass my quals if I don't think the vast majority of the literature is interesting, and I'm thinking I should apply to social anyway. thank christ I'm meeting with Dr. Smith tomorrow afternoon expressly for this purpose of hashing through things, so let's all cross our fingers that Liz gets her head on straight, and fucking SOON.

I made a timeline of things I need to get done and when, this semester, regarding grad school apps and thesis writing stuff, and I am fucking swamped. Add to this the fact that I am now an official hapkido club officer (social coordinator, no less, everyone laugh it up) and have things to do with that, AND get my brown and red belts, AND whip all my other "classes" to make sure my GPA is undisputably magnificient, AND do bitch work for anyone in the lab who sees fit to boss me around because I'm getting paid, AND train and eventually do all the work for the new research assistants of Hanako's, AND my own work

I think it's safe to say that I will be needing Las Vegas badly by mid October at absolute latest.

So that's my bitchfit for this evening. I called Stacey freaking out in the middle of the night last night, woke the poor dear up and probably scared her if she remembered it at all this morning, so Stace Face I'm sorry. I just needed some moral support. Do you ever have wildly uncontrollable impulses where you have the number half dialed and you keep hanging up and talking yourself back out of calling and then dialing and hanging up all over again? Well, I do, especially after I'd stared at a blank email screen at a blinking cursor for what felt like a thousand years, trying desperately to know what to say or how to say it, and not coming up with anything of any worth. I'll try again this weekend, if there's time.

Oh, and I'm heading home to Eville not this coming weekend but the one after, to meet the Czechs and (she sent me a picture! they're cute!) see the in-laws (heehaw) and I think that's basically it, so anyone with some free weekend time should aim to come home too, or call me on my cell-y, hahah aha ah ahha hahahahahahahahah

And then the next weekend I'll be in Chicago

But then after that I'm up for road trips and having people over...if *ahem* Stacey wants to come visit this weekend, that would be fine by me

Are we all this busy? I know it can't just be me, and I have to have one of the lightest class loads of any of us. It's blowing my mind. It's almost like some of us are really adults now. Anyway, I'll feel like one after I've been in a bar, maybe.

Also, Char (lab coordinator? page-boy haircut?) is making it her personal crusade to take bad digital pictures of everyone in the lab and post them on the Lab's website, so when that's up and ready to be made fun of, I'm sure I'll add a link for all ya'll's vewing enjoyment.

Anyone have any advice on where I should go to grad school? I'm pretty much taking suggestions at this point. Fuck, I wish I was kidding.

FUCK

So it's been a little while.

Classes are fine, not really worth mentioning anymore, I'm sure eventually I'll get a routine figured out and then I'll be much less pissed off about things like how it took me A HALF HOUR of solid driving around to find a parking space today, and how worried I am about grad school application stuff.

anyway.

I did a whole lot of nothing this weekend, which was really nice. I saw Mr. Deeds one night and Full Frontal another, both of which served their purpose and weren't all that great. I'm pretty boring, I realized yesterday. Yeah, for the first time. Yeah, I know

I don't really feel like writing this. I DO feel like writing something else, so I'll go do that. I finished a huge puzzle I started this weekend, I hate puzzles. It's Norman Rockwell, which makes it even worse. It was driving me crazy. Now it's finished.

Ok, anyway, I have something more important to be writing.

*****

OK. Lots to talk about, I'll get right to it.

*Watched American Idol last night again, actually caught myself jumping up and down and cheering when Kelly won over Justin, but didnn't really feel that self-conscious until I saw the look on JD's face while I was doing it. Hahaha.

*Went to my Human Sexuality class with Jarrod, who was 10 minutes late so he wasn't sitting with me, found out that class is nothing but lame-ass bullshit, walked out at the break she gave us halfway through and won't be returning. (Why? Well, for one thing, the class meets once a week and is 2.5 hours long, which is fine, but there's a surprise DISCUSSION section--I fucking HATE discussions--that they randomly assigned us to that are led by undergrads who have already taken this class--yeah, that's the only requirement, and THEY grade all our assignments. Considering I'm taking classes now only to bring my GPA back up---damn you bioethics---it's not fucking worth the risk. PLUS the discussion sections are SOMEWHERE ELSE ON CAMPUS, so you have to walk there in between, which I am just too much of a princess to be doing. Add that to the fact that I had nightmares of Jarrod raising his hand during lecture and putting his arm around me and saying "this lady here and I used to date...." and then telling a horrific story that would make me vomit all over him and this class was doomed to start with. There are other reasons, I can't remember them all now, but as the teacher--I dont' even think she was a professor--talked about it more and more, I had to fight the urge to bolt more and more). Now, I don't think I have to say that I have NEVER walked out on something like this before, I'm usually a big baby when it comes to school stuff, but I just could NOT handle the thought of having to deal with bullshit. Plus, the whole class was freshmen and sophomores and 95% girls and they were ALL dressed like hootchies. Every single one. Like they thought that was part of the class, to be dressed like a slut.

*I just had severe deja vu.

*So I came home from school and realized that dropping that class puts me at a whopping ELEVEN credit hours, which includes advanced hapkido (yay!) but does NOT make me full time, so I needed to find something to make 12 or risk having my financial aid taken away. Hahaha. So I looked through ALL the offered classes for HOURS last night and found NOTHING I can stomach. Everything I considered has long been closed, and finally I decided that I would make my thesis worth 7 hours this semester and 5 next, and just deal with it next semester.

*Matt (Stacey's roommate) called me drunk last night to tell me that he and Stacey were having a drinking contest in my honor and that they were almost finished with it. And then he invited himself and Stacey here for Monday-Thursday of next week, which OF COURSE is completely fine, except for how they'll be viciously bored while me and the rest of the roomies are at school and extra-curricular activities. But like I said, of COURSE ya'll are welcome here.

*I tried to call Matt back after I went and got a pizza (zucchini with garlic pesto sauce, MMMMMMM) with JD and no one answered, which is alarming only because they probably drank themselves into a coma, so Stacey or Matt, go ahead and let me know you're not dead when you read this.

*My mom's (oh man, this is fucking hilarious) CZECHOSLOVOKIAN PENPAL Karl and his friend (?!?!??) are COMING FROM CZECHOSLOVOKIA TO STAY WITH HER FOR TWO WEEKS, starting this Friday. I urge ANYONE who is in Evansville at ANY point during the next two weeks to CHECK THE FUCK UP ON HER because Stacey planted the unsavory idea in my head that they will somehow "rob her blind" while she's at work. They've never left the country before, and wanted to come to America, so they fucking come to Evansville. I think they'll be sorely disappointed. Anyway, the boys are our age (mom finally stopped trying to set me and Jenny up with them recently) and will probably be BORED TO TEARS since mom has to work and is just not a "party animal." If anyone feels like showing them around, call my mom's house and feel free. Seriously. I'm sure they'll thank you later.

And Jenny and I will probably be home at some point during their stay, if Stacey's not coming to visit until Monday I can go home this weekend and make sure I feel alright leaving mom with them (she says she trusts them and they come from a good family...whatever) and I'm sure if not this I'll go home next weekend because in addition to these Czech boys,

*JD's awesome RV-living-until-recently-when-they-bought-a-house-in-Arizona grandparents are coming into Eville, ALSO this Friday, for the express purpose of selling a rental house they own, or something. So I'll want to see them, and if I don't get home for that they said they'll come up to Bloomington for a day, which is fine too.

*Mel chopped her hair off and it looks SUPER cute.

*Chris my roommate is back to being a Pig Fucker, only DAYS after the House Meeting. Examples: I walked into the bathroom this morning to find it UNFLUSHED and DISGUSTING. There is a THIRD new roll of toilet paper in there since I've been back to school THIS WEEK. (remember the TP experiment? yeah, he's taking whole rolls and stuffing them in the toilet to clog it up on purpose, I think). His dish day was last Friday. He got around to doing the ENORMOUS pile Monday night. He didn't actually finish them, but got pissy, said he was tired, and crossed his name off. We tried to make him do them Tuesday but he was really shitty. So, last night was his night again, so during the day yesterday he WENT AHEAD AND CROSSED HIMSELF OFF FOR THE DAY (yes, that's right, without doing any dishes) because, as he told Raedy, he'd "just done a lot of dishes and didn't think it was his turn" even though we have a fucking SCHEDULE that lets you know when EXACTLY is your turn to do what, and it's his own damn fault he had to do them twice so close together. Mother FATHER

*i was reading Shane's blog and HMMMM, I keep checking my inbox for the long-promised email that he owes me and yeaaaahhhh there's nothing there. So Shane, get cracking.

*I was reading Shane's blog and noticed the trip to Chicago to see Mr. Show on the 27th at 10:30, which I was already planning on attending, so I'll see you there (anyone else going?)

* I need to go take a shower and get my ass thinking about going into the lab this morning. If not, I need to sit around and watch tv until it's time to go to hapkido.

I'm embarrassed for myself. I'm watching American Idol.
Justin sucks. If this Kelly Clarkson doesn't win, I'm puking all over the first person I see.

So today I went to my honors thesis class. Ha. Ok, until then I was thinking this semester would be E-Z and I'd just skate by with minimal effort. i don't know how I forgot THIS. Jeeze, that class is intimidating. I need to start busting my ass like three weeks ago. fuck, fuck fuck fuck.

I just got off the phone with Jarrod, who was SHITTY with me when he realized all I wanted was to know if he's going to be in class tomorrow still (human sexuality) and that I didn't want to come over and hang out or meet him at Denny's or do anything really except ask him if I can split the book with him

Man, things are so funny. Do you ever have to just stop and laugh your ass off sometimes?

I just emailed the registrar begging them to do SOMETHING that would allow me to take both my thesis AND adv. hapkido, which conflict time-wise, and I don't think there's much hope in that. I wasn't going to try, I was just going to be content with getting ready for the brown belt test during club, but then JD told me that Mr. Burns thinks highly of me and was talking about how great and special I am today, and that made me feel so great I changed my mind. Ha. Plus I want to be in a class where I outrank everyone. I don't even want credit for it, dammit, I just want to be able to practice with the class.

Hahahaha
I can't believe I'm watching American Idol. In fact, I can't believe how BAD the contestants (Justin) are. eeek, he's making my skin crawl.
And I just called Stacey and bothered her while she was trying to play Halo and drink

Man oh man

I've added some new links, I hope you all check them out, several of them are pretty hilarious. Also over there is one about my pre-applying to grad school crisis I've been having this week, wherein I got a really wild hair really far up my ass to NOT go directly to grad school next year but instead to "do something" else, which I think means travel.

Now, since I am not a millionaire (YET, come on Vegas), I can't afford to jet around the world just for shits and giggles, so I need to find a REASON to. There are all the Peace Corps-type dealies that ship volunteers off to various areas of the globe to help people, but in looking at the requirements I think I fall abysmally short in the area of "past volunteer work experience."
So, hmmm, what now....I could always get a job in another country and use that to support myself while I travel and take every opportunity to see the sights, but where to go....anyway, the site over there is amazing, I'm thinking about New Zealand and I'm not sure how serious I actually am, but there's a panicky part of me that isn't READY for five more years of intensive schooling, and another part that desperately wants to hightail it overseas just for a year or so before I allow myself to become a "real" adult. So yeah, I've all but talked myself into wanting it badly, hahaha, I have a feeling I could live fairly comfortably without Things if I had to, if I were, say, backpacking around New Zealand and finding odd jobs to be doing all over the place.

I guess it's not that I DON'T want to help people, it's just that I don't think I could get into any of these programs where you're there TO help people because I'm really not the most philanthropic person in the world (that's putting it mildly, yes, haha) and I seriously don't think I could pass their interviews.

Now, there's always the "Liz, why not try to get a JOB with the government that'll ship you overseas?" which is also tempting, but jeeeze, my french isn't good enough to be a spy, and i want to be able to go All Over the place. Basically, I'm too chicken to buckle down and start my career now (hell, maybe working is going to help my chances of getting into grad school....maybe I should wait to go back to school until JD is making money at his music stuff and I don't have to panic about loans....maybe I am being extremely childish. Whatever.)

The point here is that I DO NOT feel ready for grad school. I don't even know if I should APPLY now, or wait until I feel ready, or what. I mean, who needs a PhD when they're 26 anyway? It's ridiculous. I need to go have some memorable life experiences before I sit down to make a name for myself. Honestly.

This sucks that I'm having this "revelation" right now, right when I need to be picking schools and getting application stuff together and taking the GREs, and I don't have the motivation to do any of it. I just want some good excuse to get OUT of Indiana, and preferably out of the midwest as a whole, and going to school far away would do that but I'm not wanting it.

Sigh. Fuck.

I need some feedback from people who care where I go next year. Oh, and school started today. Nothing interesting there, I only had one class. Oh, and my cell phone is NOT on roam anywhere up here, so I guess it's working fine, heh.
I am exhausted. I need to go running