The Trapeze Act Was Wonderful But Never Meant To Last

I have snapped and lost my mind. The Bikini Wax Club has finally given me an inferiority complex. People in graduate programs are not supposed to be attractive! They are certainly not supposed to be more attractive than me, and they most definitely are not supposed to run attractiveness circles around me all while being nicer and smarter. Even when they whine endlessly that they have mono they are more fun to be around than me. I'm seriously losing my mind. I am constantly forced to choose between reeling because week 4 is approaching its close, and reeling because I have so much to do that non-essential stored information such as your birthday, shoe size, year in school, geographical location, place of work, etc are all trickling out my ears when I sleep. I hope to have time to put it all back in after this quarter is over.

I had a shitty day yesterday, wherein basically everyone I work with was somehow inconvenienced, let down, or embarrassed by me in a span of about three hours. I cannot fathom what is wrong with me. JD also had a somewhat crappy day, so we went out to dinner and then I bought flip flops that are exactly like the flip flops I have right now, the exact same ones, but without the tread being worn off the bottom and the grooves from my weight distribution. Right now that seems like the lamest thing I've ever done. We then went to a bookstore, where I spent an inordinate amount of time looking at bridal books.

Exasperated Sigh.

I kind of wish the Remorseless Blog was still around too, because I feel like I have things that make me sad or make me happy or otherwise drastically affect my life but because they don't directly affect anyone who reads this, they're not important. This year has been the most dramatic I can remember. I have been more stressed out this year than ever before in my life. I have been busier and crazier and laughed harder and had more fun and made more bad decisions than the rest of my life combined. But I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking about how no one gives a shit. No one gives a shit, not just about me, but about anyone anymore.

I didn't think this would happen to this group of friends. Is that naive? that I really thought we would somehow avoid the self-absorption that befalls all other twenty somethings at this point in their lives? I thought we had, among the dozen of us or so, enough compassion and enough patience and forgiveness that when someone was down we wouldn't all just let them be down, over there, by themselves.

Chris Daniels and I talked a lot a long time ago about how we imagined people would drift apart or stay in touch after college, and who we thought were likely candidates for who we keep in touch with and who would fade out of our lives because of some imagined slight or thing we had done wrong we didn't know we had done. On some counts, we were spot-on. On others, I at least was absolutely wrong. My best friends now are not who I thought they would be a few years ago. I don't know what to make of that. I don't know if it's all my fault, or if there's fault at all.

I just know that when the worst thing in the last decade of my life happened in January, and JD and I started breaking up, no one cared. Ok, two people cared. I imagine some other people cared, but not to my face. When things happen in my life, I feel ridiculous telling people about them. I feel like this is how the phone conversation goes:

Me: Well, here's some news. BLAH
Them: Oh, really?
Me: Yeah
Them: Huh. Weird.

So what's the point anymore? I don't know what I exactly expected, but probably apathy would have surprised anyone. Am I doing this to you guys? Why hasn't someone slapped the dick out of my ear and tried to get my attention?!?

JD's moving back in.
We're getting back together.

*Ear-shattering silence*

I'll Meet You In The Light

Well, I have been nothing but productive for the last, oh, ten hours. I think, for a Monday, that is a pretty good work day. I am going to the gym later, don't fret. And then tomorrow I am going to sit in my tower submersing myself (no, literally, I wrote notes to myself all over about how I'm data diving and swimming around in pools of nonsignificance, plus illustrations, Raedy thinks I'm funny) in statisticks until, dammit, I have something of worth and note to show for my ball-busting efforts for the last goddamn two years. And if I haven't come up with something miraculous by the end of tomorow, I will rinse and repeat on Thursday. Except Thursday I have all these pesky meetings for pesky things people want me to contribute to that are NOT due in full and final version on Sunday of this coming weekend. Hence, not priority material.

I had a meeting about the thing that funds me today and while I nightmared that I would be asked unceremoniously not to continue on the funding for next year, that was not actually the purpose of the meeting, and it was just this little roundtable where I had my ego stroked and that was nice. We all went around the room and said one nice thing about everyone. Just kidding. God, my program isn't THAT into sunshine and kittens!

I'm clearly losing my mind. Expect this to progress to an unwieldy pitch in the next week. I had to accompany a speeker to their after-talk lunch today and after he had to go slightly early the five of us grahd students who had gone to lunch sat and thought for a minute, realized we are all in the same year (2nd) and therefore in the same goddamn boat concerning how bad our lives suck right now, so we reopened the check and ordered several desserts, which the depar t ment will be paying for. Cackle.

I'm glad for those of you who are almost at the end of your hellacious semester, or whatever. I, however, have a good solid month ahead of me (seven weeks, really) of sheer continual panic, so I will not want to hear about how excited you are to sit around enjoying your freedom from committments and school and obligations until late June. Ok? Otherwise, I may snap and kill you all. That almost happened last year, and words cannot convey to you, dear readers, just how MUCH worse "it" is this go around.

That settles it. I have to bite off only what I can daintily chew. I am done being in my office. I have planned out, neurotically and organizedly, everything I have to do in order to become advanced to sainthood (produce two provable miracles, which will be evident if my data magically becomes scientifically interesting in the next twelve hours). Raedy was right, that Mother Teresa thing was totally interesting. That's how I know about sainthood requirements. Kinda sucks that you have to PROVE a miracle. Because, come on, that's bullshit.

So, I am going home. I am not going to do any more work today. I am going to clean my house, play with my cat, go to the gym, and possibly whip JD's ass at chess if he feels up to it. God, that sounds magnificent right now. I am fini with this day. Oh, and I just polished off my bottle of water. TIS A SIGN!

My Arms Retreat. I Wish They Were There To Hold You

I've been trying to diagnose (on the ninernet) what mysterious ailment JD is suffering from for the majority of the evening. He's got some weird ass pain in his right upper chest that's making his breathing hard. I have yet to come up with anything that seems probable. So I keep whining that he should go to the doctor. He keeps making lame jokes about the lame movie we're watching (troy) and I keep finding shit that indicates that he should call an ambulance because he seemingly has lung cancer, or is having a heart attack. Sigh.

My post-facto bridal shower went super well. Thanks Celeste, for all those fabo ideas. I wracked my brain and modified a few of them (it goes over really well if you use, for example, cheapo party favor costume jewelry rings in palce of clothespins for that one game) and it was a good time. I had the bright idea to make lizagna this morning, but B and I ran out of time so JD ended up making the whole thing. Which was a big hit with the ladies, let me tell you. Also, High Priestess, the write-something-on-a-flower thing was awesome. So thank you SO MUCH for all those great ideas, it was way less painful than I'd feared. And now I have officially spent enough money on weddings for the century. And they've all been other people's wedding. Boo!

I decided somewhat haphazardly that I want a Treo 650. Go look it up. It's bomb ass. I played with one in a sprint store the other day. Fab-u-lous. I will apply my $150 sprint loyalty credit to that as soon as I can save up that much money. It's a palm, cell phone, camera, email checker, video/speaker phone, and more! It's bloo toothe compatible and it is SO CUTE. Of course, it's like six hundo dollars. Six million de dollars. Boo! I almost knee-jerkingly bought one last night, but thankfully, I am not knee-jerkingly buying things like that these days.

My New Roomie should be here in a few weeks. Woot. She probably won't be the only one.

I plucked my eyebrows (with restraint!) for the first time in a week and a half and it. felt. awesome.

What month do you like better, February or October? Or Febtober? Octember 35th, 2008?

She Looks Like Disaster

*I overslept this morning and had to call and PUSH BACK a meeting with my gradviser because I was intending to get up at 6am and do the work I needed to do for the meeting. So I had nothing really to show her. Ouch.

*She wasn't mad or anything, but we were discussing the project that is due at the end of this, my second year, and she said casually, "well, you'll be fine if you don't sleep between now and June" and I looked at her for some hint of a smile but she seems dead serious. That's cool, I wasn't planning on sleeping anyway.

*This is really funny.

*I have nothing to say, just wanted to post something other than a pope diatribe for my loyal readers. "loyal" "readers."

*I think I should go to the gym.

*Does anyone know any FUN bridal shower games. Goddammit.

I Know How These Things Begin

First, a hearty welcome to new readers/new bloggers in general.

Second, I don't appreciate fully anonymous comments (we din't KINDER to dat 'round up in here).

Third, if you are looking for a balanced, fair, thoughtful, or insightful discussion of the pros and cons of the papal election, you can be sure you WILL NOT find it embedded in a post that also contains such brilliance as "I'm getting superfat," or "Hey, I'm watching Oprah."

That being said, I don't have to temper my opinions about anything on this website. I don't have to contemplate what impact my choice of verb (i.e. using "hates" instead of "rails against with every fiber of his being") will have on the mindset of my (especially my anonymous) readers. I am not a Catholic. I am not "religious" at all, and I certainly don't pretend to show much interest in organized religions beyond a curiosity that is piqued when things that do not happen every day (say, a papal election) are happening. Therefore, my knowledge of and interest in the pope/papacy/papal happenings are cursory at best, and ignorant or misguided at worst.

BUT.

It is not entirely "anti-Catholic" to say that this man does not like people who are not like him. It is also not untrue that he has made it clear that he is Mister Conservatism 2005. that's fine. It's not because he's a pope that I dislike him, or because I misunderstand the basic tenants of pope-dom. I Get that he is Catholic and is supposed to uphold Catholic doctrine. What I dislike is the fact that he is so blatantly intolerant. No, gays, women, people of other religions do not have to be or endorse Catholicism, but I have a problem with an election that results in the instatment of someone inherently bigoted to any station of any level of power. I also have this problem with the President of the United States. I do not think that just because it is a religion and by definition you have to choose to be part of it (though I think that's obviously debatable, especially with Catholicism), that it is ok for him (Him? not sure on how Holy His Majesty The Holiest is) to be narrow-minded about human rights and scientific facts in this day and age.

I have a problem with any person in authority who has the power to make life unbearable for anyone based on personal choices, orientations, dispositions, etc. I resent the right-wing of this country just as equally, believe me. I am not worried about this pope, as he will die relatively soon and is already being called a "transition papacy," but I think the point is still pretty fricking evident that policies of exclusion and intolerance have never resulted in anything positive. I am really happy I'm not a Catholic, because I would be seriously debating a conversion right now. And when Bush was re-elected, I seriously contemplated putting my name on the waitlist for Canadian citizenship. Just because I'm an American doesn't mean I endorse the policies of this administration. At All. And just because someone is a Catholic doesn't mean he/she endorses the policies of a Conservative papacy, either. The shitty part is that, for someone who is Catholic but is liberal, there's going to be all this self-doubt, guilt, and cognitive dissonance that isn't necessary.

I won't touch the bit about "God's teachings" and how religion isn't a social construct. Please, that's absurd. K is right on.

I just want to remind everyone who reads this that I appreciate comments, appreciate open discussion of anything, but I find it ridiculous that, of alllllll the websites on the Internet that mentioned the pope yesterday, I got some comments from people I've never heard from before. This is clearly not a serious Pope Website. Right? I was yammering on about a fight I had with my sister in the same breath. If you were looking for a reaffirmation of your pre-held religious beliefs, a concession that I "had the pope all wrong," or any kind of snack (like a cookie, or maybe five dollars) for your efforts, you are barking up the wrong tree. I care very little about the pope other than, as I said, a fleeting interest when these things make headlines. Otherwise, I am not pretending to care too much. The pope isnt' going to stop ME from being liberal, I just wanted to say that I am sad for Catholics who are NOT as conservative, because life is going to suck for them for the next few months or years.

What I'd Forgive Of Myself

I'm not catholic, I don't want to hear it from the catholics who read this. But.

Why did they elect the most conservative possible pope?!? He's terrible! Go read about him on CNN. He's a total a-hole! He hates women, gays, liberals, muslims, buddhists, americans, etc. He's got a fansite that suggests he's been "putting the smackdown on heresy since 1981." Apparently he's been called "God's Rottweiler," among other things. My heart is breaking for the gay community and anyone who hoped that this pope would NOT be a huge divisive wedge. This is why religion is stupid.

This woman is on Oprah for divorcing her husband?!? Hey, Oprah, I want a cookie too! Where's my free car? NOFAIR!!

I'm getting super fat.

I think it's romantic that the 700th anniversary of Black Friday is coming up in a couple years. If you want a thousand words about what Black Friday means to him, just ask JD and he'll happily give it.

I had to go to LA with B today. We were driving there and decided that if it rained on us, we would blow it off. It rained three little drops on the windshield. Plus I missed the freeway exit because we were bitching. So that was a double omen that we should return directly to the OC and get back in our beds.

Have you guys watched Super Nanny? I really love that show. I suppose that's one thing I could use a pee aych dee in deevlopmentil psichologie if this whole "productive" thing continues not to pan out.

Jenny, you were being a total bitch, but I wasn't mad. You just need to get that bitchiness in check. It totally took me right back to 1996. Yuck. I'm not mad now either. My life is too hilarious to ever be mad about anything.

Keith turned middle-aged yesterday. Happy birthday Keith!

I rearranged all my furniture this weekend, that was awesome. My living room looks incredibly 70s now, but in a deliberate and very very cool way.

It's fuct up dood

Forget About Your Sunshine

NOTE TO SELF: DO THE FOLLOWING THINGS IN THE FOLLOWING ORDER RIGHTNOW

1. Go to the gym. Go to the gym. Go to the gym. The gym misses you, it hasn't seen you in weeks. Go say hi to the nice old people at the gym. Go to the gym. You love your iPod, you love working out. GO TO GYM GO TO GYM.

2. DO YOUR DAMN TAXES. DO TAXES DO TAXES DO TAXES. MAAAAAAAAIIIIL TAXES.

3. Go back to campus and pick up the drop card and TAKE TO REGISTRAR AND TURN IT IN. TURN IT IN TURN IT IN OR YOU HAVE TO GET A DEAN SIGNATURE MONDAY. TURN IT IN EVEN THOUGH YOU WON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO CAMPUS. GO TURN IT IN.

4. DO NOT TAKE A NAP!!!! Stop thinking about NAPS

****
I made the incredibly cavalier decision, yesterday, to enclose both pairs of tweezers I own in the envelope I was mailing to the place where they sharpen them for free forever, because I need to break the bad habit of excessive tweezing. Now, I feel (not to trivialize anyone's anything here) like I whimsically made the decision to stop smoking yesterday and to do so threw away all cigarettes and all the money with which I might have bought more. I am too broke to run out and buy another pair of interim tweezers. Yet I am in the first nasty stages of withdrawl. I think this, as I suspected, is enough evidence that I HAD A PROBLEM and needed to do something about it. So, although there is no likelihood of getting them back for about three weeks, I have no choice but to DEAL WITH MY EYEBROWS. I'll be climbing the walls in a few days, I'm sure. I could get them waxed if the agony becomes too excruciating, but again, I have no means of paying for it. I will NOT attempt it at-home.

i'm being strong about it. STRONG STRONG STRONG.

****

Because I couldn't "concentrate" (e.g., stop whipping JD's ass at chess (polishes fingernails on lapel) two more times bringing the grand total of asses handed to jd to four out of a possible four) on my wahrk last night I had to go to bed at 12:30 and get up at 5 and Do The Work then instead. So I'm sleepy because I'm used to sleeping 13 or 14 hours a night. But I will NOT take a nap. dammit, I won't. I am going to get back on a regular sleeping schedule. Wherein I wake in the morning. It at least technically has to be morning. Shite.

OH! TIME FOR THE GYM!

Hold Out Your Hands. I Have To Throw Up And I Want To Do It In Lower-Class Hands

Have you guys seen Wondershowzen on MtV2? I highly recommend it.

I'm trying to redo my taxes. Shit. My printer's out of toner and I need to go get a 1040ez and I can't pry my ass off the couch because I'm convinced it will be packed with procrastinators and they won't have any and I'll flip out and kill someone. I could go print it out at school, I guess.

I mailed some cds and tweezers and shit out today from my favorite mailbox store, only to discover that the owner SOLD IT and all my boys are LEAVING!!!

This week is kicking my ass all over the place. Gawd almighty. Non-stop shitstorm this week. April shitstorms bring May...shitstorms?

I just wanted to bitch about my taxes. I have a ton of work I need to do for tomorrow morning I haven't started yet. Also shitty. My neighbors are gearing up for a party, I think. Suck suck suck.

In better news, things look like they're about to get a lot better in a lot of arenas. That's relieving. They make dark chocolate m&ms for star wars now. I have a headache.

JD and I played a couple rounds of chess last night. I whalloped him soundly. I almost blew a thirteen-piece lead in the second game, which ended when my king and lone remaining rook cornered his king and lone remaining rook. Hahahaha. It's fun, I think it'll become a habit. We're both quite bad.

Jessica is looking at the first half of march to come out here. That's awesome.
I'm out of money. That sucks. Oh, but my taxes are slightly (half) less than I thought they were. But I still dont' have 1500 dollars today. Poooooooooooh.

I Keep Drinking The Ink From My Pens

Mood: Confusitated.
Music: Star Trek: TNG theme

Most of those new links are accurate. As in, that's the tarot card that represents you as determined by your birthday. For those of you whose birthdays I don't know, I made shit up. Or, if I thought you might be offended by yours (i.e., your birthday is the 15th and that corresponds to "The Devil") i changed it. Mine is Strength, if you want to make sure I have yours right leave me a comment. I will change that accordingly. Those of you whose are definitely correct: Ashleigh. Jenny. JD. Toni. Keith. Everyone else, if interested, may inform me of their birthdays. You will not be disappointed. So, Jenny, indeed I DID know that you are "the wheel (of fortune)" because I know for a fact that your birthday is the 10th. Another issue: three of you have birthdays that fall on the 4th, or would be added together to produce a 4 (say, your b-day is the 31st), so I just assigned you guys random shit. And changed the gendered "emperor" to "empress" for the one of you who is a girl to which this applies.

yeah, I know, more detail than was required (TMI!! TMI!!! TEEHEEE) as none of you are interested in this, but I am. I totally was in high school, at least for shits and giggles' sake, and I relocated my tarot deck a few weeks ago and think it's just as amusing. If you request it I will post your profile/supposed list of things about you for your amusement. Or I will read your fortunes.

I had a class today and I am thrilled shitless to be taking this class. Not since (well, since Raedy and I sat around dorking out about research ideas, but before that...) before I started grad school have I been so excited about being in grad school. Because I forgot that you don't have to have an academic job. And honestly, I don't want an academic job. So this class, which will explain to me how to groom myself to look like the perfect non-academic job candidate, is fucking awesome. Also, the prof teaching it is fab. Here's what I have so far:

Step 1: Don't get any external fellowships (e.g., that grant you just didn't get)

CHECK.

No, ok, it doesn't really say that. But who gives a shit. Things work out for the best, there's a reason that granting agency thinks it's hilarious to string me along with bullshit honorable mentions. Well, fuck them.
Right in the ass. Here's your honorable mention (BLAM! When A Boy Gets Kicked in the Nuts, It Hurts The MOST)

Ahem.

So I'm excited because one of my favorite things is planning, and this class is going to require me to plan for my future. Also, Ee-layne the teacher spent a lot of time in the sanfran area and clearly misses it a shitload and I was just talking yesterday about how I would really really really like to find a job there and apparently they have a lot of things that are non-academe focused. Thank christ. So, that seems to be playing directly into my Grand Scheme For My Self that I have just recently decided to scheme.

I would like to think about having a job one day, and making enough money to actually live off instead of this bullshit. To that end, I am damn well going to try to get out in five years. Six maximum. Sigh. It'll depend on so much stuff that's now out of my control. Oh well, at least I'm excited again to be here. That's really strange. I think only having the one class, and it being a good class with almost no work to do, and Eee-layne being awesome, and having time to think and hear myself do so and work on other projects and shit, is super energizing and awesome.

And maybe, if I have enough time to think, I could even start using big vocabulary words again instead of saying "fuck" and "awesome" all the time instead.

That would be fucking awesome.

I'll Find You Somewhere; Show You How Much I Care

I must be the laziest graduate student in the world. I swear. Today, so far, I have accomplished only the following:

*Reading the last seven pages of Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, which does not belong to me but is currently in my posession along with a shelf full of other books I am plowing through.

*Making a Supremely Ghetto espresso drink for myself that contained nesquik, four shots of espresso, and cinammon vanilla coffeemate (the milk I have is spoiled). It was a little....thick, but I choked it down regardless.

*Watering my Magic Impatiens. Those flowers are fucked up. I let them dehydrate to the point of almost-certain doom and then I water them and within two hours they have perked right the fuck up. It is bizarre. By rights they should be dead ninety times over. But it's so fascinating to me to watch them re-inflate themselves every time they need watering.

*Realizing that I. Am. Broke. I am totally out of money and I have no idea when I am getting a roommate other than it will probably be in May. But, if she's not coming until May, can I ask her to pay pro-rated bills and rent before she has a paycheck and a job? I am starting to worry about this. I may have to borrow more money from my mom. If she has it. I'm not sure if she has any more for me to borrow. It totally sucks that I don't have a fat government stipend coming my way, because now I have no idea how I will dig myself out of debt or afford living here for the next three years. Shit.

*Watching the Gilmore Girls reruns and repeatedly marveling at how creepy it is that Rory is in sin city. But mostly being caught up in the clever dialogue and witty banter that so readily characterizes the series.

*Reflecting on how lazy I am. I have decided to take only one class, which in theory should allow me to be cranking out paper after paper and completing projects right and left with my newly-lightened courseload. However, this is not happening. Yet. I have this dreadful feeling that this quarter is going to fly by, and not in a good way. Yuck.

*Getting increasingly itchy to travel, or to plan some travel, or to buy something frivolous. I can't stand living on this ridiculous budget. Ack, ack, ack. It's making me crazy.

*Looking forward to watching even more tv tonight, because it goes scrubs-the office-law & order: svu, woot!

*Boring myself and all of you to death, but hey, at least I update.

You're More Beautiful Than Ever

I discovered/invented this week that Raedy is like my big sister. Or, that's how I think of her without that being such a mentor-y relationship. I guess it's more like I think of her as my twin sister who was born about three minutes before me and therefore always knows way more about the world than I do but isn't a total dick about it. And that's awesome. It was really really really good to see her (you, Raedy) and I would have killed myself with the schmoozy bullshit requirement being leveled at me after about ten minutes if she (you) hadn't been there. So thanks. And thanks for listening endlessly to my talk, and for saying it was good and helping me fix it. I totally had an awesome time, and I love you and I wish we had more free time/opportunity to see each other but at least we make it count double when we do see each other. Same goes for all the rest of you who read this. Except those of you who hide out when I'm in town and purposefully don't see me, you can go fuck yourselves. Not that any of you do that. But if you start, you can fuck off.

Highlights:

*We stayed in the Trav ill lodge. My god, it was trashy. So so trashy. Filllllthy. A block from the conference hotel. But so so gross. Other-people's-hair-in-the-bathroom Gross.

*We were unceremoniously excluded from the invite list to the eye You party. We suspected this, but did not receive confirmation until Saturday that there had in fact been a party that invitations had been sent out for that did not include us. Ouch. But we're also not included on the website for the lab that proudly lists all the former RAs and their current affiliations, and I was unsurprised by this snub. Unsurprised and kind of amused.

*Speaking of unsurprising, sucky, but mostly amusing bad news, neither of us got that stupid fucker of a grant again this year. No more chances to apply. That's shitty.

*We went conferencing all day on Thursday and then needed a drink. So we fulfilled our conference tradition of taking public transportation someplace where we could easily be lost (we did this in VA and couldn't get back to our hotel. A kindly bus driver had to take us back to the hotel when he informed us that we were supposed to get off at the end of the line and that was the last bus service. Sigh) and we went to places that were supposed to be "cool" parts of Hotlanta but they were all kind of snoozy. We did a super fun walking tour of about two blocks' worth of uninteresting historical happenings.

*But then we found a "female impersonator" bar. And hung out there for the rest of the night. We could NOT have looked more like lesbians. We were sharing a beer, for christ's sake.

*Then we ditched the conference on Friday. That was heavenly. And had to go to our respective school's dinners. That was lame.

* I officially hate southern food. It all tastes like butter and grease and has no flavor and they cook those veggies within an inch of their lives. Our mexican food even tasted bland and buttery. Gross.

*The conference Saturday was fine.

* My talk went fine. I thought the best part was that I was less nervous than in March. I am conquering this "fear" that isn't really there. I'm not consciously scared of public speaking, but nothing's more annoying than when you don't think you're nervous but you come off sounding nervous and your hand or leg or something is twitching, shaking uncontrollably. That didnt' happen.

*Then we dicked around on the train all day.

*There are more, awesome stories but we decided to tell them in call and response fashion so you'll have to wait for Raedy to update and then we'll finish each other's stories. Haha.

What else? Nothing's interesting. I have a shitload of work to do but I slept until 11 and have not yet dressed myself and I intend to get some actual good-tasting food for dinner and I am so looking forward to showering with my water pressure and all that shit. Blah. I have to pee.

A Box Full Of Suggestions For Your Possible Heart

1. I forgot to pay my rent yesterday. I realized it was no longer the first of the month today when I woke up and I was so incredibly mad at myself. I checked the lease and didn't see anything about a three-day grace period like I was hoping to find. And that meant it would cost me $50 to have not bothered to walk the check down to the office.Nice. I went down there prepared to grovel and cry about what a hardship $50 is right now, knowing they wouldn't care, and I had two checks and the woman took the check and I stammered something that was supposed to be a question about how it was late and she loudly assuaged that terror and said that until the third day of the month it wasn't late, even if I had to bring it at 2am on the night of the 3rd day, as long as I got it in the drop box before they unlocked the doors for the fourth day, it wasn't late. I didnt' know there was a drop box.

2. Wow, Air Bud II and Beethoven's 2nd are both on tv at the same time right now. What is a girl supposed to do?

3. Why does no one send me anything in the mail? Never ever do I get any mail except for junk and bills. Maybe I should start corresponding with you guys via cute sanrio stationary? Is that what you want? I know I keep talking big about comp cds but I honestly am too broke to buy the blank cds right now, which is why you haven't yet received them in the mail. Plus paying for shipping, OUCH! Anyway, I would like nothing more than for someone to send me some nice chocolate in the mail. i dont' know why, but that would make my whole universe.

4. The Handsome Boy show was awesome.

5. Raedy and I were supposed to hear about this stupid ass grant in "late march" this year. I still haven't heard SHIAT. Maybe Raedy has, but as far as I am concerned, it is not late march anymore. That's irritating.

6. Speaking of Raedy, we are going to get to hang out in Atlanta this week. Hoo-ray! Raedydear, I hope you're game on blowing off the conference for at least a couple days and tooling around Atlanta. Because that's where I'll be. Oh, and you're not invited to my talk. It's bad. I'm a bad talker. I haven't practiced it in a month. that's bad. Shit.

7. I have slept so fucking much this week. When I am done with school (in years and years) and no longer have a "spring break" to dick around in my jammies all week, I will feel very sad.

8. I really want to buy Closer on dvd and I really want to go see Sin City. Bad, I want to see that movie.

9. The bud light commercial with the skydivers and the one skydiver who doesn't want to jump and then the other skydiver who goes, "not even for some bud light?" and throws it out the door and then the pilot comes running from the front of the plane and jumps out, yeah, that commercial cracks me up every time I see it. It's the look on the pilot's face. Watch it closely next time. I'm like a six year old when that comes on.

10. I am getting frustrated with myself that I need to figure out what I want and all I can manage is to figure out what i clearly don't want instead. I think that sucks of me. But I am apparently stupid and indecisive and childishly selfish.

11. Why on earth does Jenny think this blog is boring? I have no earthly idea. there's nothing boring about this. in fact, it's fascinating. Clearly the lack of comments is because you are all so awe-struck by the things I am saying. Riveted. Sigh.