Bum Pincher Extraordinaire

Yes, I tucked the Bum Pincher claw that I was gifted during Penis Night into my suitcase, not really trying to hide it (I did hide the realistic "Original Dong 8-Inch" in the playboy slippers case, thank fuck), only to have the bag rifled through by pimple-face regional security teen at the Eville airport. Ha. Poor dear tried to keep a straight face. Tried to look stern and professional. Failed. Didn't find my Dong, though.



There's more Here, here, and here.

Enjoy!

I have two brief movies in progress; one of Stacey handjobbery and one of Ashleigh telling a Gross Out Nurse story. More on those later.

AM SEXING

I wanted to get my hair cut today, but my crazy portugese lady is out of town until mid-april. Boo, you will all just have to look at my nasty split ends.

I'm doing laundry!

JD and I went jogging last night in lieu of actually driving to the gym. I have been a touch burned out on the gym for the last two weeks, and we have had to get creative with replacement exercise. A few days ago, we had a full-on spontaneous ninja fight, which was great fun and left us both bruised and sore for three days. Ahh, good times. Takes me back. Anyway so we went jogging. My legs are goddamned tired. Jogging is harder than cardio at the gym.

I am sloooooooowly getting things packed for tomorrow. We leave at butt o'clock (8am) and don't get there until late afternoon. So I downloaded episodes of the office and Criminal Intent to entertain us on the way there. I am totally excited. I don't know who is coming in to town when so I am going to be blowing up your cellies once I deplane.

Jeeze, I don't want to write this stupid chapter. Must get one more draft sent off by the end of tonight. Lame. I am sick to death of it. And she's not going to read it. Don't get me started. But to leave with a clear conscience I have to finish it. Ohhhh, I hate it.

Oh, and laundry needs to be changed over. SEE YOU GUYS IN LIKE A DAY. FUCK, that is awesome.

ATTENTION:

JD just pointed out to me that he wore a hole through his jeans with his balls.

His balls are so big that he wore a hole through his jeans, right where the balls go, with his balls.

I'm astounded.

T-Minus Three Months

It's the first day of spring. Which means we are exactly one quarter of a year away from the first day of summer. Which happens to be the Summer Solstice. Which happens to be the 21st of June. Awesome.

I think I may be bipolar. What? No chorus of surprised gasps from the crowd? No tut-tutting head shakes? Pity clucking?Weird. I'm not sure it's really bipolarness, though. I feel bad sometimes and I feel much better much more of the time. I'm not manic exactly, just totally happy. And it's kind of obviously tied to my Wymynly Cycle, which may mean that I am just a girl? I'm not sure. But then again, knowing MY family (of the, "oh, I KNOW I told you girls about your OTHER secret illegitimate cousin/those abortions/how we sold your aunt to a nice persian couple" variety), I think the Crazy Deck is stacked against me. But I don't feel crazy. But I wouldn't, would I?

Yeah I think it's just hormones. I like my life, but it can stress me out. There's a lot happening all at once, and no matter what, it seems like I am always failing in some regard. Things are falling out the back of my head. I am trying to write here at home today but annnoyingly, someone who isn't JD came home from work early because of "feeling like shit" and is now sitting in the living room breathing up all the available air. I seriously hate being in this apartment with her, it makes me claustrophobic. Two more weeks. Two more weeks. Jesus. I won't even MISS the third of the rent.

Now I'm in a bad mood. I need to get the fuck out of this apartment. Goddammit.

So May The Sun, Rise, Bring Hope Where It Once Was Forgotten

I had to get it out. I'd been trying not to talk about it for way too long. And that is not how I roll, at least not without severe gastrointestinal side effects. I felt much better until I realized that linking him was yet another subversive way of trying to force him to have a dialogue with me. In a way he is pretending that I don't exist, and sometimes I feel like he should be forced to acknowledge that I didn't stop existing, but that's not fair. He's allowed to do whatever he pleases. He's allowed to post things that obviously had a context at one point in time, but no longer do. At the very least, I now understand how he is managing this. His commitment to this separation has been unwavering, and of course it has been. If I ruminated on the most horrible things he's ever said to me, I would want nothing to do with him, either. But I can't do that.

Like I said, there's not a lot I can do with this situation that's even remotely honest. But I can feel better when I talk with those of you who understand me better than I understand myself, and I can take bitter comfort in the fact that he has convinced himself he is in a better place with potential for personal growth. And that's all I can do. And I suppose that has to be enough. People have had worse. I've had worse. I'm just not sure how to grieve someone who's still out there. I want to hope, but it's going to be easier once I let that go. So thanks for listening, internet. And thanks especially Jenny and JD.
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Ahem. *tap tap* This thing still on? What's awesome in my life? Oh, pretty much everything:

-The Roommate is moving out. Like, soon. Not even waiting until July. A friend needs a roommate the second week of April. APRIL! I am fucking through the roof.
-We went out to WoL to celebrate last night. And it was delicious.
-And we saw V for Vendetta. Which ruled. As we were leaving the theater, though, these "cool" guys with really small heads and matching leather jackets announced, "That was pretty cool. Except what was up with all the political shit? Totally not necessary." Right. Because usually when previews for a movie show some girl having her head shaved in a prison it's got nothing to do with politics. Whatever. Then the one with the smallest head turned abruptly and shouted, "I'm just going to go over here (makes eye contact with me) and take a PISS!" I glared at them and kicked them with my pointy boot. Not really, but I wish I had.
-I've been writing/working dilligently. Yesterday I was told, not by my real advice er who ultimatumed me in February, but by my secondary one, that I have shown a "complete turnaround" that is "very noticeable" and that I have been "more productive in the last month than the rest of the time" she's known me. Which I know is supposed to be a compliment but really only made me think two things: 1) She and my other advisor clearly talked about me in a "what do we do about her" kind of way, and 2) I sucked at this the whole first half of grad school? Well. Great.
-I picked up some cute little favors for you guys. I know, right, you can't hardly wait.
-I got three packages in the mail yesterday when i was expecting zero. My mom sent me some st.patty's day-themed dish towels. And we received two wedding presents. No, you did not! You total ridiculous sweetheart! Which I am not opening, but have decided rather to pile on the dining room table until we have enough to build a fort. Then I am going to live in the fort.
-It's cool though, since I actually picked up thank you cards yesterday. I wonder, is it tacky to send thank yous before you've even thought about invitations? I have no idea but I will do it anyway.

Dude, I am so excited about seeing some of you guys next weekend. I'm having bladder control problems because of it. If any of you ladies are bored or interested I am going to bring my dress and make JD's mom fit it for me sometime on Saturday. It will have to be in my hotel because I refuse to have it exposed to dog hair, cat hair, cigarette smoke, boxes of red wine, piles of nascar magazines perched precariously above it, beer farts, etc. I just need the boob part not to flop to the side and show my goodies to the ruddy faced little registrar man. That's all I need.

Back to chaptering. I'm on the way to total done-ness by next Friday! (I mean, done for the weekend).

The Moon Is Not Only Beautiful, It Is So Far Away

I feel like I need to face some demons of mine. There’s something about having an ipod full of post rock that makes a person start to feel like owning up to things. So. In the name of full disclosure, I want to talk about Keith. Keith and I aren’t friends anymore. Most of you know that, and everyone who reads this probably has his or her own opinion of his character. And probably, those opinions span the entire spectrum of possibility. But hear me out.

So we stopped being friends last summer. We want different things from each other, and neither of us can find it within ourselves to compromise. We kind of talked every so often through early fall, and we both knew it was terrible and we were drifting apart, but we both also kind of thought it was necessary to deliberately stop being close. Well, he thought it was necessary. I did for a little while but then changed my mind because I didn’t want to stop having him in my life. Part of me knew it was for the best but the other part of me just didn’t want to let him go. We’d already gone through this crap once before, where he stopped talking to me for a whole year in college. So I guess I realized what it would mean for him to be gone, and I remembered how I hadn’t liked it all that much the first go-round, and I dug my heels in. Or at least, I tried. I’m sure I came off pretty desperate, but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. I wish I could attribute that to loyalty, but it’s pure selfishness on my part. I liked Keith. I didn’t want to let him go. There were things about him that I appreciated having in my life, that I didn’t want to imagine life without. I’m sure we all have people like this in our lives, who we connect with on a different level than anyone else. I thought about how long he’s been a major player in my life (six years) and how much he and I had been through together, and how much I cared about him and valued his opinions on things, and I didn’t want to lose him.

Obviously, I lost him anyway. You can’t really force someone to talk to you when they’ve decided they’re better off without you around. I tried to force him anyway, and for a couple months I was moderately successful, but I was doing it in the most manipulative possible ways, and it was really unfair of me. There is also something wholly unmysterious about an engagement ring and a happy relationship that made my attempts even more abrasive to him, and more pathetic in my own eyes. We talked a few times in October, I finally told him I was engaged (and it was like pulling teeth for me to do it because I knew that was all he needed to steel his resolve), I talked to him when that tornado hit Newburgh and he said his family was ok and I said I had to call my sister and we just never talked again after that.

I miss him a lot. I may have made it (ahem) sound otherwise to you, but I really miss him. There’s not a lot I can do with this situation that is honest, and it’s frustrating. I completely understand why he doesn’t want to be part of my life, but it completely breaks my heart that he’s gone. Every day. It is absolutely selfish to want him to hang around for my benefit, and it’s not something I think I could do either, if I were in his shoes. So I have just been trying to accept things for a few months. It comes and goes. There is so much that is so awesome in my life that it’s really hard for me to justify the pity party I want to have for myself every so often. It hurts because he’s been one of my closest friends for such a long time, and it’s not going to be the duration of a year this time. He’s gone for good, and I feel that absence acutely. And yeah, I think he’s better off without me in his life. It is a bitter thing to realize, but it’s true. I wanted to think that I enhanced his life but I really just made a mess of everything for him. And no one needs that. I’m still trying to make sense of it. I’m still hoping my phone is going to ring. But I do, honestly, know that I have to let that all go. He’s done me a twisted favor by taking himself out of the equation, and I have to respect that, at the very least.

I want badly to launch into my typical “life’s too short” tirade that you’ve all grown so weary of over four years of blogging, but I’ll restrain myself this time. I have tried everything I can think of to argue him back, to convince him that we aren’t destructive forces in each other’s lives, to manipulate him into a logical stalemate wherein he must admit that I am not necessarily right in wanting this, but I may also not be wrong…I have stooped to record lows (those of you who have known me for years are probably gasping in horror at that—not.) to bully him into talking to me, I have been unrelenting in my campaign to challenge his decisions. I have been the worst kind of person to him, and the least compassionate in my recalcitrance. I am totally ridiculous, and utterly self-absorbed. I justify it all by telling myself, falsely, that it may one day mean something to him that I fought him on this. It doesn’t mean anything, other than that I am a pathetic and undignified person who isn’t even strong enough to do the one thing that this person I love beyond measure needs from me. But I am trying. And I will get there. But for now, I miss him like I would miss my arm if someone took it.

Friend of The Night

My life is fairly glamourous. I just noticed it the other day. I am absurdly content these days. I have become the typical coffee-lugging, disheveled-looking, overworked and underslept graduate student, but I am starting to love it. There is something life-affirming about having two papers approximate decency at the same time. The other grad students who read this will understand what Hell your life is when a paper is going through the first two dozen rounds of edits and conceptual rewrites.

I really enjoy coffee. I really enjoy wearing sunglasses and flip flops every day of the year. I really enjoy reading the weekend paper and working the sudoku and the crossword and having research epiphanies while I'm doing the distractor tasks. I really enjoy working on things when at least 20% of my projects are going well. I am very content.

Also, we got those eight bajillion post rock cds. Fucking hell, they're awesome. When I get them more under my belt I'll start shipping out comp cds. Or maybe I'll make one of songs that remind me of you specifically :)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, one more class to muddle through. Then there's filler-- finals week and spring break. Ahh, sweet relief from slotted time obligations. I can't wait.

Travel Is Dangerous

Ohhhhhh I love the new Mogwai. LOVE IT. And GoF coming out on the same damn day? I'm amazed I've left the house. JD and I also ordered a shitload of cds (including the new Mono preorder OMG!!!1) that should all be here by the end of the week. It is gorgeous soundland around these parts. Oh, I love post rock. I know it only gets more retarded as I keep stating that, but it's so true. JD having recently joined a post rock band just cements our marriage vows in my mind.

So we tried to get our passports today, but we can't find JD's birth certificate. So instead, we took care of all the other miscellaneous crap wedding errands that we needed to do. We found him a shirt and tie that actually match his weird suit, we bought invitations to have printed to satisfy our damn mothers who have separately nagged us to send "real" invitations to everyone even when we know they aren't coming to the actual ceremony. So that will happen. You're all going to get invites too, because we will have way too many and I know you love receiving things in the mail.

And I got some jeans and I got my shoes. Teeeheehehehehehehe. Shoes. And how. They're lovely. They're this pretty icy slate blue color and they're d'orsay cut and they make me about a foot taller and they have the cutest raw silk edges. I will try to take photos but I know no one probably cares.

What else? I finished a paper tonight that I said I'd have finished tonight. That rules. It's a paper I've been working on in some capacity since I got here. Yes, in 2003. Sigh. It's suddenly shot up the priority list, though, so we're trying to get it out by the end of the month. Maybe April. But it'd be my first one, and I actually have another one that I'll be working on all day tomorrow that's also very close to being ready to go out. It's totally sweet. I mean, they will both be roundly rejected from every journal we send them to, but still.

JD has perfected a vegan recipe for snickerdoodles, and they are so good I cry with joy when I eat them.

Tomorrow is Jen's birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEN! She is totally awesome, everyone tell her so in my comments. Or tell her personally. Whatever.

Yeah Yeah Yeah. Can't wait to see all of you guys super soon. I am counting down the minutes.

The Impact Bias

There are, approximately, eighteen things I need to catch up on today. In that sense I totally fucking hate Sundays. I think all grad students treat Sunday as their catch up day, but it feels like Extra Monday and I resent that right now.

Jess is housesitting for a couple weeks. She did a weeklong stint a while ago, and it was heavenly. I am delighted that she's away for a good chunk of time, and that it happens to correspond with the busiest time of the quarter for me. Usually, I am on edge all weekend because she is camped out in the living room watching some horrible MTV marathon, and when I venture out to dig the sudoku out of the paper I am assaulted.

Speaking of Assaulted, did anyone watch SNL last night? Fucking Natalie. That was the greatest episode I have seen in years. The comedic duo of chris parnell and that new guy writing music videos is priceless. I was in a bad mood all night and I still laughed until I almost peed.

I am so sick of having my computer in front of me. Since I dropped His Majesty the battery life has been shot. So now I have about five seconds of unpluggy time before it dies. And I had to get a new power cord a month or so ago because mine fell apart where it bent against my knee if I sat cross legged. So now I have to sit with my computer flat on my lap so I don't fuck this cord up too. Sigh.

God, I am just so whiny. I'm going to go eat lunch. And then chapter the hell out of this thing.

Tragedy! When You Lose Control And You Got No Soul, It's Tragedy!

Too Too Too much stuff going on. I'm doing that thing where I'm paralyzed with busyness and not getting anything done. Although, to be totally fair to myself, Wednesday is my "day off" if there is one to be spoken of. So. I guess I only feel halfway bad about not yet getting things done.

I do still have a giant list of work-related things that have to get crossed off before tomorrow, but today I've gone to the gym, showered, eaten a bucket of guacamole, and am currently doing laundry. It's really sad when I feel guilty about exercising and doing laundry because they are not explicitly research.

And with that.