I Worked Myself Up To A Crawl But I'm Not Fearing It At All

Apparently, when you find your calling, everyone else in the world loves to help you and be friendly. Example:

I went to Petco last night and bought all the necessaries for bringing a baby kitty cat into the apartment. And the checkout dude did his best to flirt with me, of course, but the woman behind me was also buying a litter box/food dishes/scoopy combo dealie and we had a pleasant conversation about how hers and mine differed. And she happily was made to wait in line whilst I filled out an application for a petco card. Then I went to get groceries and there is something about a girl by herself in the grocery store, apparently, that encourages every SINGLE dude in the building to check you out as much and oft as possible, unless perhaps I had something like a tampon stuck to my face. But then I'm leaving and checking out and I don't have my stupid grocery card swipe thing and I try my phone number but mysteriously that's not working, so the Real Live Cowboy in line behind me GALLANTLY says, "why, I have a phone number you can use, little lady" and the clerk is ok with that and I say thanks in my most syruppy voice and bat my eyelashes at him but also make it really obvious that I am perfectly capable of lifting/carrying the bags myself before he can chase me into the parking lot.

And then today I'm walking to stats class, doo doo doo, and I hear quickening footsteps behind me, and it's this guy in my class rushing to catch up to me that I talk to in passing about once a quarter when he does this weird thing where he tries to catch up with me, I'm not even sure of his name, but he caught up and then was like, "wow, this class again, HUH?" all weird. So something in me snaps when I feel confused about why people are interactintg with me and I just become the most friendly helpful nice person, but it feels really genuine. Like, I really enjoyed talking to that dude and the petco people and the grocery guy and the married guy at my stats table later because I have this weird spring in my step grinning all the time like a retard thing going on which probably explains why good shit is happening, or at least why people feel like chatting at me. And then later I came out of stats and I was walking with my friend B and the guy came rushing up again and he was smoking (ew!) and walked by saying something about how bad that class sucks, etc. And I was struck with the idea that as I'd walked out of the class i actually thought, "boy I need a cigarette" which is something I think often these days but since I've never smoked how the FUCK would I know what kind of release it would provide?(not that I'm really ever going to start, don't worry) but isn't that weird?

Huh and then today JD sent me a bunch of free downloads from iTunes/Pepsi that Jess sent him that have to get used by tomorrow so I spent all morning agonizing and finally decided on the following songs:

Jeff Buckley- Sweet Thing (Live) off Live at Sin-e
Jeff Buckley- If You Knew (Live) off ditto that one
The Frames- Fitzcarraldo
the Frames- Your Face/Redemption Song medley
The Frames- What Happens When The Heart Just Stops (live)
Weezer- No Other One (live/acoustic)

HELLS YEAH

today in my adulthood class we discussed tangential bullshit that is really where the coolest discussions in there come from; we talked about the idea of soulmates and I'm struck with how I still manage to entertain that foolhardy idea at times (mostly I think it's bullshit) when I'm feeling less scientific than other days, no one seems to know where the idea came from and I like that about it. Like it jst got stuck in someone's brain one day and they made up all the myths about it and the romance novels and everyone loved the idea and bought into it and ran away with it.

But I like to think that soulmates can refer to a bunch of people in your life. Ok, that means by definition it's something different I guess but still. I care immensely about a lot of people. Do I think I would stop existing/functioning/breathing if any of you died or evaporated tomorrow? No. Not to be a bitch. Not that you would WANT me to fall to pieces though, right?

I'm so glad music manipulates my emotions like nothing else can. Glad that nothing else can fuck around with me quite as well, yeah, but I mean glad that I have something that can make me feel however it is supposed to make me feel at more or less any time I might be listening to whatever it is. I love to assign great meaning to lyrics. How many times have I tried to talk about that before on here? To no avail, the words always fail me miserably.

Oh well. It's my blog, I'll shit all over it if I want to.

melissa i don't know the answer to the research question because I would have to come up with brilliant ideas first. But something that would make their lives a little easier, hopefully.

Then How Come All The Other Unicorns Are Dead?

Oh. My. God.

I stumbled upon My Calling In Life today. Holy. Shit. I'm not even kidding. I've never felt so inspired in my goddamn life.

So I was whining all week because one of the labs I work in (not my advisor's "lab" but the other prof I started working with specifically beCAUSE she has a lab more like what I'm used to and it even has space, which she's constantly fighting to keep, etc. ) was going up to LA today because a couple of the other students are working to get some mildly interesting studies through the LA County Detendency (sic) Court bureaucracy and the school's internal review board and finally, after like the whole year of frustration, things are getting close to being almost set up. Now, neither of these projects were all that appealing to me, as they would involve driving my ass to the far side of LA at ass o'clock of the morning every day I would go to run kids in the study. BUT. THEN.

I agreed to tag along to "check it out" and thought I would be bored stiff but it was a display of solidarity with my lab and so I said I would go and we had to meet at 6:30 this morning to "beat the traffic on the 710" which is smack mid-LA and also didn't happen, but then we got there and it was me, the prof, and the 2 students with vested interests in this panning out in the prof's land rover.

And it's Detendency(sic) court, so it's interesting to this lab because it's maltreated kids, and that's such a hard sample to get, but it's not Juvenile Detinquency(sic), it's the court for ALL of LA county that deals with ALL the child abuse for the BIGGEST county in the state and arguably the largest volume of cases in the world and it's the court where they do adoptions, termination of parental rights, emancipations, etc.

And oh. my. god. The building is huge and really nice and you have to have security clearance to get anywhere and it's swarming with families, and you can tell all the people smiling are there for an adoption and everyone else is in Deep. Trouble.

But we were allowed to sit in on several hearings in one of the courtrooms and first of all, they're designed differently to seem less authoritative and more "the judge is eye-level with the little kids" and they have colorful shit on the walls and are awfully small. But we sat in on one and the first case was a termination of parental rights thing where the woman came in and the judge swiftly and seemingly unfeelingly announced that the mom hadn't done shit and therefore had no claim to her 7 year old who was living happily with a foster family for more than half his life and getting confused by her visits and the mom threw a huge crying fit saying she was his mother, etc. and I thought i was going to throw up and we were allowed to be there but I felt so intrusive, and the kid wasn't there (wasn't in the court, he was probably in the building but in one of the secret back areas which we saw all of....jesus) and it took like five total minutes.

And the next one was way less brutal, we saw a bunch of different ones where this family needs to get this worked out to get this kid back and this other family has the dad needing a background check before he can be declared the legal father of the 7 year old and this other family has a 19 year old getting emancipated from the court system and her mom's trying to get back her four other kids and there's so many babies and baby daddys and and and

this is so not making sense

But what struck me was that these kids all looked like normal kids. And they don't know what the hell is going on, I have no clue what was going on for 90% of the day's events, how could they possibly know. The judge that seemed brutal initially was kind enough to let us into her chambers during a break and talked about how important research is and how it's a shame that it's so hard to get into their system (because attorneys there are already overloaded, of course they don't want to do anything that would require more of them...I don't blame them) but she was super cool and I realized she deals with these kids/parents/families FOR YEARS, she sees them every month or six months and she knows them in some cases better than their parents do and she's really fair and a great giving caring person but SO cool to watch in the courtroom because she would sass the counsel like she was fucking judge mathis or something

but SO nice. And so enthusiastic about seeing what efffect her attempts to make it all less scary/confusing for the kids really has.

Man. Man oh man oh man. I don't know why I'm so inspired. Chris Daniels, what type of law are you going to practice? If you work with kids I want you to grant me access to your clients (assuming you are a public defender, which I guess you probably will not be) and I want to open a business educating attorneys and state employees about how kids need to be handled and what you need to explain to them, etc.

Shit. It was such an emotionally draining day but seeing people be reunited was amazing and yeah it's bad to see a mom freaking out because she can't ever see her kid again but you know it's taken years to get to that point and she most likely beat the hell out of the kid to deserve it.

And all the kids in the hidden secret downstairs playroom (which is giant) were just SO normal. So happy and excited to be playing with these cool toys (there's a whole ROOM of dollhouses) and not worried about anything probably because they don't knwo what the fuck is going on. Suddenly I am absolutely willing to drive to LA every freaking day this summer and talk to these kids if I would be allowed to do everything in my power to explain what the hell was happening to them.

jesus. it's just such a different world. nat, one of the other girls, had to leave the courtroom after the first one cuz she thought she was going to cry and when we found her later she was on the phone with her mom, thanking her for not fucking up her life.

This place made me right-wingedly wish that people had to pass a fucking test before they could have babies, and that at the LEAST they should have to take a class on how to parent...god, it's just such a waste. And such a mess to clean up.

***

anyway.

We are proooooobably getting a kitten Friday, we have decided to name it:

Aleutia "Fang" if it is a girl or Jushin (Jyushin? I have no idea how to spell JOO-shin) "Thun-dar" Liger if it is a boy. Hahahahahahahah

in other news, before my battery dies, my downstairs neighbors had a prolonged, heated yelling match about a new roommate situation that I found so intriguing that I muted the tv and sat with my ear pressed to the screen door for a long ass time. There is one pissed off cussing dude mad that they're getting a 4th roomie but HIS rent is increasing while the others (including the new guy) is going down, presumably because he has a slightly larger room. But they want him to pay $350/month MORE than the rest of them! And from what Yelling Guy was shouting, I gathered that he has supported the skater/surfer/stoner gang and paid their rent when they don't get the money and set up all their utilities and this is how they repay him??!?!? Hahahaha

I was tempted to waltz out onto the balcony and say, "me and my roommates had a similar situation last year and you should split up the common areas as part and the bedrooms as another part and then try to stop calling everyone 'fat bitch' if you want to not alienate your lease partners"

but didn't

oh ho got to go

Love It Seems Makes Flying Dreams So Hearts Can Soar

Ever driven through a crowded parking garage blaring music from The Secret of NIMH on your car stereo? Neither had I until this morning.

I just wanted to let everyone know that Garaba Jean hasn't bothered to write me back, when last time he seemed verrrry prompt, almost eager, so my childishness may have put him off a bit :(:(:(:(~{O:P
<=======8

Hahaha. Yeah, so, too bad. I guess I won't totally give up on him just yet.

In other news, I have decided that there is no fucking point to moping around wondering if I justifiably hate my life. Fuck that. I am, instead, going to goddamn well be the best fucking graduate student this lame program with its soft science and unstructured bullshit has ever seen. Raedy, I would please to be liking you to be my pseudo-mentor. I.E. Just tell me everything they tell you there that you're supposed to be doing to succeed. For instance, are you submitting something for SRCD? I would love to, and am going to wrack my brain all day trying to come up with something I could use and feasibly carry out by then, but somehow since I don't even have anything in the works I am a little worried. I will try, though. I wouldn't miss an IU reunion party for the world. Hahahahaha

So, also Raedy thanks for marching in the stead of those of us who live as far as possible from DC this weekend, I looked through the website's photo gallery but did not find any of you, perhaps this is a good opportunity for you to post some pics on your website? Hmmm?

Anyway, I have a class and then a class and then a few thousand hours of mentally catching up to do today, just wanted to give a shout out and annnounce that I am done bitching and moaning about my awesome life and I will now get back to it...with all the enthusiasm of the first day of the quarter.

LOVELS! WHOA!

And I Was Gonna Tear Your Ass Up

So, because Raedy said it would be funny, here's what I got so far from the Fraudulent African Money Scheme Lying Bastards. I don't think I mentioned that I received a fourth entirely different email the next day, so I wrote the four emails a mass reply that went a little something like this:

dave_05@myway.com, idriskuta@web-mail.com.ar, garaba_jean@simplesnet.pt, skhoza1@fastermail.com

Hi Everyone!

Let me just say first of all how honored I am that all four of you independently (and within a two day period!) were searching the web for reputable businesspeople and came across my name! That's really something special! Now, I don't know if I could really help all of you out, since I have limited resources and don't know how willing my father would be to let me use his offshore accounts for more than one good cause, but since I know all the account and routing numbers, not to mention the passwords, I guess the decision is really up to me instead!!!! :):):)

So what I need from you is some more information about what you all would need me to do...all your emails sounded important, and I want to help you out any way I can. Besides, the benefits for myslef sound almost too good to be true! Hahahah! Anyway, please write me back if any of you are still interested in doing business, and we'll go from there.

Thanks a million!

Teresita M. Arzipan

And then I got an error from one, which I then went and looked more closely at and realized the sent date was 1997, however that works, so I wasn't too upset. And then later that afternoon I got an email from one of them:

From: garaba_jean@simplesnet.pt
>To: tmarzipan@hotmail.com
>Subject: Re: Helping Opportunities
>Date: Fri, 23 Apr 2004 18:24:39 +0100 (WEST)
>
>Dear friend
> Thanks for your positive response. First, we have to make a formal
>introduction of ourselves, that is getting to know ourselves better in
>this new friendship of mutual trust and long lasting business
>partnership.your full contact as well as your phone number , your age
>,also do you own any company of your own,or are you an employee.is your
>bank account strong enough to accomodate this money, all this information
>i require from to enable me gain more trust and confidenciality.
>
> Please, note, very importantly, that the security company is not aware of
>the contents of these boxes, hence this is a very top secret between me
>and you and you must assure me that you are going to keep this project a
>secret. Hope to hear from you as soon as possible, so that we can
>expedite and facilitate procedures in order to make this claim for the
>benefit of all of us and my late friends little daughter. Thanks for your
>kindness.
> Regards,
> Jean.


To which I callously replied:

garaba_jean@simplesnet.pt
Hi again!!

OK, sorry it took me so long to get back to you, I was away from the internet all weekend :):):)
First, a little about me:

I'm 16 (16 and a half, really!) and I go to Boonville High School. I'm not allowed to give out my home phone number (my mom would totally kill me!) but my cell phone is 812-598-2433. I would prefer that you don't call from any blocked or private numbers as I am not allowed to answer unidentified ones on my cell phone. Seeing as to how I'm 16, NO SILLY I don't own my own company....someday I'd really like to start my own fashion line and daddy said he'd pay for it if I wanted. So in a few years i'll prolly have my own buizness, but not yet!!!!!

Anyway, what else? Oh, don't worry about the bank acocunt. I have a big fat offshore account already set up in my name that my dad puts his fraudulent tax withholdings into, so believe you me, it can hold ALOT of money and it's easy for me to get to...I just have to call some people in Switzerland (we have family there:):):)::)

So now, internet buddy, you can send me all the 411 about YOURself, so we can continue trusting and establishing communication or whatever you said earlier, LOL!!!!

I can't wait to hear all about you. What's it like in Africa? Do you have any kids of your own? How old are you? Do you have any cute sons? Teeheehee!!!!! Write back ASAP, and we'll get working on helping out those friends of yours! I love charity! WHEEEEE!!!:):):):)

Sorry so Silly!

Teresita M. Arzipan


I'll be sure to let everyone know if I hear anything from him again. That phone number is Shaniggra's. Or at least it's what the 300 people a day who call my phone trying to get her act all pissed off about. And that, I think, is totally fair.

9 Times Out Of 10 Our Hearts Just Get Dissolved

It's a weekend and that leaves me with enough free time (read: I have plenty to be doing but since it can get done at some later point I'm not worried about doing it until tomorrow) to sit around while JD's working at his second job, or all day Saturday overtime at his first job, or doing whatever bullshit he's having to do for us to stay here, and it's tiring me out.

Not having free time, thinking. It's getting harder to convince myself that I want to be doing this. Here. I think that's the major thing: here. I like the idea of grad school, I like what I'm learning and the way I'm learning it and I like the people I'm working with but there's just so much deficient bullshit at this particular place that is making me seriously question what I'm trying to do.

Example: At a normal grad school, you would be in a lab working closely with your advisor and other older students on existing and new projects, your ideas would be receptively entertained, and you would receive as much guidance (including monetary support) as you might need from your advisor who essentially becomes your mentor and takes you under her wing and helps you through all the bullshit.

At this school, there are no labs, there is no space for labs or lab meetings, you're admitted and assigned arbitrarily to an advisor who is your "academic" advisor and an advisor in theory only...you are encouraged to meet with her "at least once a quarter" and she has to sign off on the courses you're taking. Any original ideas for projects you suggest are rejected on the premise that they can wait until after your second year is finished to get started. Any work you wish to get involved in requires you to actively seek out an interesting faculty member and beg to "help out" on their projects, which means that for your first few years you do undergrad-slave type bullshit until you are seen to have proven yourself capable of working directly with the professor on whatever the two of you mutually (read: professor only) decide(s) is interesting. And there's no money. None at all, so that you have to TA every quarter for the remainder of your time in grad school, and the faculty put ridiculous pressure on you to find external funding so that they can take your guaranteed TA money and give it to incoming first years so they can admit more and more. Also, and most distressingly, no one will bend an ear to listen to your ideas if they do not line up more or less exactly with what they are already working on, and while you're expected to become expert at a particular topic without becoming a clone of an existing professor, this is not likely in this situation.

Then you figure in how completely lazy I truly am. Truly, honestly, with no hint of irony I was thinking daydreaming yesterday about how if I continue to not be on birth control I could probably trick JD into impregnating me, giving me a better excuse than "I don't wanna" to drop out and move somewhere affordable. And then I realized what i was thinking and felt nauseous.

So I've been really struggling trying to figure out what it is that isn't feeling right to me here; is it the school I'm at or grad school in general? Is it that there's not enough structure or that I'm not motivated enough to help myself? Is it that there aren't any jobs I want or that I haven't figured out what I would ever do with a PhD and it seems arbitrary? Is it that research isn't as interesting as it was last year, or that I can't focus on an end goal and make myself like it?

Basically, is it me being a fucking baby about having to jump through hoops or is it that I really am not happy doing what I'm doing?

And I know it's normal to be broke and tired and miserable and questioning it every day when you're in grad school, but the problem is that I don't have some burning desire to finish, except maybe to spite some of my relatives. I don't want to be a professor. i dont' know what there is to do instead.

I like this area but I also hate it. I like the people here but I'm not attached to them. I like this apartment but I would like an apartment that cost a reasonable amount of money even more. I like the IDEA of being in grad school more than I actually like being in it. But the problem here is that I just don't know what I would ever do instead.

So this afternoon I started browsing through job listings. And really, there's nothing I could potentially do. I like to think something like editing would be appropriate, since I'm such a nazi and you all hate it but I'm always totally right on. I like to think that if I found something I was passionate enough about I could open my own business with it. I like to think that life isn't just supposed to be about choosing the thing that seems least repulsive and doing that your whole life. It's really starting to scare me. It's not like I was putting something better off until after graduate school, when my life will really begin, I just dont' know what the crap to do.

And then I started poking around on the gov't website that I got from one of my cjus classes...and there's shitloads of jobs for research psychologists there, and even though i wouldn't be doing my own program of research that just sounds SO much more appealing than an academic job. And there are some that are like entry level-research psych positions that you dont' need a PhD for. Meaning I could apply for them right now. Or I could apply for them next year at this time, when I'll be gearing up to have a masters and a better shot of landing one. And the hiring process takes such a long ass time (a year) anyway that I could stay in school while waiting to find out, and it wouldn't matter if I didn't get it.

Not that I'm seriously applying for jobs, but something about knowing I could if I wanted to makes me feel a hell of a lot better. What's making me feel trapped right now is the lack of viable options we have. JD doesn't get to choose if he works two jobs or not, he has to. We don't get to choose how much we have to spend a month on basic necessities. I don't get to choose if I want to quit because we couldn't pay the bills if I did. We don't get to choose to up and leave this place because we can't afford to. And where the hell would we go?

I like to think Chicago or the Northwest somewhere.

I don't need anyone to try to talk me out of thinking like this. I don't hate it here, I'm just really uncomfortable with the idea of doing this to myself/asking JD to do this to himself for the next 5-6 years. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of having to wait until I'm 27 to get my life/career/family/etc. underway.

I hate to be a total brat here, but I think my dismal outlook would be dramatically altered if I could find some kind of funding for myself. But there's nothing even to apply for at this stage. And since I'm not allowed to do anything I think is interesting, I'm not doing anything. And won't get credited with anything. And won't get funded. Etc.

I'm just frustrated and every quarter I feel this way. But once the quarter's over I can look back and say it wasn't that bad. But then five days later I feel right back at the bottom. And it's getting much harder to talk myself out of wanting to leave this.

God, I never have anything positive to say lately. Sorry. I'm going to go look at jobs more.

Oh, we're thinking quite seriously about getting a kitten Friday. And I think I'll go to Borders and look for a new career tonight. Anyone who might have suggestions about something that involved: correcting others' grammar, children, cats and other loveable animals, creativity, research dorkiness, organization of any kind, or anything else you know I'm interested in please let me know. Also: anyone thinking of opening any kind of establishment that would make you a small business owner please let me know if you want help too

Thanks.

I Have A Large Barge With A Radio Antenna Tower On Top

Best thing in the world? Not having shit to do one Friday afternoon, so instead of sitting on the couch near electricity where you'd eventually start to feel bad about not getting work done, going instead to the beach.

BOY HOWDY IT'S A NICE DAY IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

Let me describe the beach to those of you who are Landlubbing

It's:

1. AWESOME.

2. Clear as shit, so you can SEE the two giant islands off the coast and see them well...and since you normally cannot see them this always surprises/delights me to no end when you can, same with the inland mountains that are crystal clear today as well....but these fucking islands, SHIT, they're huge. And the destination of our pirate ship

3. Speaking of, I FOUND OUR PIRATE SHIP. Apparently it was rich people boat fest so they all crowded the harbor north of my secret beach with their cutesy little sailboats and dinghys and yachts, and ONE GUY has a PIRATE SHIP and kept FIRING A CANNON. Which shook the whole beach every time and made all the birds freak out. But it's an olde-fashioned boat made of wood with sails like a pirate ship and it looks like something out of the Little Mermaid so I think it'll do. If we're going to be pirates we'll need to steal that ship soon, so everyone get planning

4. Also nice at the beach: listening to Godspeed on an iPod while you watch giant waves crash on the shore.

5. Best thing about the beach today: Sand in m'vag

hahahaha just kidding guys
anywah

Thanks for the cookie recipe FINALLY, Stacey. Too bad I made my patentedly awesome brownies like two nights ago. We'll probably need some cookies before the weekend's over though, so THANKS.

Who'd Want To Be Such An Asshole?

alright.

So a lot of you, linked here and not, secret friends and not, have written shit on your blogs in the last few days that has honestly made me cry. And I'm sitting in my office on campus (trying to sound important) trying to figure out why I can't stop crying now and praying that no one is going to walk past the door because it has a window in it and I can't come up with a good reason to tell them I am sitting here, all creepy, hours after everyone else has left, staring at outdated pictures of people I love and sniffling like a retard

Because I wouldn't tell them anything I wouldn't tell the entire internet, and they're not really going to care even if they ask and look sympathetically at me. I would have to say that grad school is hard and that makes me sad.

I'm pretty pissed off at myself right now. My life is not that hard, not that bad, not that trying and not that challenging in any sense. I get frustrated and I have to regroup more than a lot of people but as per always I have a ridiculous social support system in place that has guided me through every catastrophe of the last dozen years or so. Which is a lot of real and imagined catastrophes. And I have friends who are there for me at the click of a send button and friends who are always going to talk sense into me and make me see that Nothing is That Bad and like my dad used to say in so many words you can't fuck up so badly that you can't learn from it. Or maybe it's that you can't fix it. Either way, I've justified a lot of selfish fucking up at the suggestion of my father to myself by its having been a learning experience

I'm sorry that I am really selfish with myself and with my time and my energy and I'm sorry that I cant' be better for the few of you who rely on me occasionally you don't ever need to feel guilty about transmitting any imagined burden to me and I'm sorry that you guys are continually there for me at the drop of a hat when I need you but it's hard for me to remember that and reach out to you. I dont' know why that is. I'm sorry, though, that I bitch so much about my own problems when they pale in comparison to yours and I am sorry that I am so angry and mean and unkind and I am sorry to be in a class this quarter where I have to learn all about what happened to me to make me the way I am and make you all how you are too and it's scary to have that understanding and it's scary to not be able to stop thinking about stupid things you've said and things you wish you could undo because you decided after all this time that just because you come back out from underneath mistake-making in the name of science or education or self-betterment, everyone else involved doesn't automatically come back out from under it too.

I'm sorry that I even pretend my life is hard, or that things are impossible for me to handle. I'm really lucky and really happy and should shut my mouth.

I dont' know why I feel this sense of supreme entitlement to things that I am not necessarily entitled to, and I don't know why I can be so difficult and why I choose to say things and do things that will hurt other people ever and I dont' know what to do to fix it except say over and over that I'm here for anyone who needs me, ever, anytime, ever, especially but not limited to those of you who have recently dropped what you were doing to talk sense into me and I am grateful and indebted to you and sorry that you had to inthe first place, there's something in my head that prevents me from doing logical things sometimes and even when I know I need to ask someone else for help it's hard for me to do so

I'm sorry and I'm trying and taking everyone I love for granted in the process but I can only assume it has to get better

His Most Esteemed And Dearest Friend Is A Fairy

*So, pardon all the boring email copy pasting I did earlier, I am 98% convinced that my school email is infected with some sort of fatal retard virus that will eventually start sending this url to my faculty and any interesting faculty I would potentially ever want to work with, at any institution, ever, in fact I am going to change my format around on here so that I am not as clearly linked to my graduate institution of choice, though I can imagine that any actual damage that could be done has already been done. I would bet you a dollar that my advisor and fifteen of her friends have my site bookmarked and are continually judging me on this instead of my academic self, which may or may not be a bad thing for my graduate success.

*Here's a couple things I know about myself that I always forget:

1. I am ghostly white by nature. When I decide, because it is such a gorgeous day, to sit outside while I read articles, I should pay more attention to why my shoulder is itching after an hour or so. I am pretty sure I burned the hell out of JUST my right side, somehow the sun beating down on the other shoulder was not as effective. Note to self: Liz can only be in direct sunlight for an hour at a time.

2. I don't like jogging. I wish I did, it's definitely the most effective way for me to feel like I am Working Out. It's the most cardio-esque thing for me, and ultimately it's the most efficient, but I can never start a jogging "programme" that I will stick to for more than a couple weeks because I'll run like three miles the first time I go and hurt for the next two weeks and not want to do anything, especially run, ever again. But because it's so gorgeous here everyday now ("winter" is finally over) I can't bring myself to want to exercise indoors, so I am currently trying to Ease into something that will hopefully be more permanent and less eventually seasonal than most jogging things for me. JD is helping. Also, we found a park a block away that I'd never been into that is probably one of the best places on the planet. It's way bigger than I thought and it has lots of little lakes and turtles and bike trails and jogging trails and picnic areas everywhere but most importantly, because there are also beaches here, it is basically empty which makes it "mine" and I feel immediately attached to it. Note to self: Easing into exercise routines is the best way for you to go.

3. I am completely socially inept, especially when the conversation does not fit into the schema I have of a particular environment. Example: Today after my stats class I was getting up to leave when Leahcim, the White-Collar accusation guy from a few posts ago who I am actually finding quite entertaining having at the same table as the rest of my friends, initiates the following conversation with me:
Him: (looking in my direction) I like that.
Me: (baffled, looking immediately down at boobies, realizing I am wearing plainest possible outfit) Huh?
Him: Your hair, I really like your hair
Me: Oh, uh, thanks
Him: My wife is thinking about doing that
Me: (baffled again, points to unfortunate splotch of highlight on frontmost chunk) Not this, though, this is unfortunate and was unintentional
Him: (laughing) No, not that
Me: (aside) Gee, thanks
Him: She has blond hair, but she's thinking of going back to her natural color
Me: (awkwardly) Oh, she should definitely go back to dark hair, it's great
Him: Actually, her hair is more like (scans room for color example, points to the BLOND guy behind me)...his
Me: Oh, ok
Him: But I mean the cut, she's thinking of cutting her hair like that
Me: Oh, right right. I just did this like a month ago, it's really--
Him: (interrupting) So does your hair curl like that naturally?
Me: Yeah, if I don't blow dry it, usually it ends up like this
Him: Wow, you're really lucky, a lot of girls have to work really hard to get that look
Me: (shifting weight uncomfortably) haha, thanks, yeah, it's nice, I don't have to do anything to it
Him: She's always trying to get me to grow mine out (runs hand over hair, pauses in case I want to compliment his hair)
Me: Oh, uh huh?
Him: See, I have naturally curly hair too, and apparently that's cool again
Me: (lamely) yeah, perms were all the rage when we were little
Him: Yeah, hah, asofndfsdfndfg? (unintelligible)
Me: (checking watch, backing away) yeah, uh huh, well, see you later

Then of course I turn to walk away but the path is blocked by people in chairs so I have to turn 180 degrees and walk the other way, back past him, feeling as awkward as I ever have in my life, to get out.
Note to self: Learn to gracefully accept unexpected compliments. Stop being so socially retarded.

I think that's all about me.

Dr. Phil today is doing a hilarious show about Mean Girls the movie by having a group of idiotic mean girls on to talk circuitously about how they're not gossipy bitches. This is highly amusing. Also, Dr. Phil is apparently losing his voice, hopefully from one too many stupid southern sayings. The mean girls are trying to make the non-mean girls look like bitches for snubbing them and it's outrageous. I hope you guys all watched this today, it's making me really mad.

Also because I watched some interview with Tina Fey (she wrote the movie) where she talked briefly about how certain people from her adolescence will probably not recognize the exact conversations they had with her if they see them in the movie. And then how relationally aggressive girls are in general. Which is actually something I've been reading a lot about and is super interesting.

For those of you who aren't giant dorks, boys are physically aggressive and for a long time no one thought girls were at all aggressive, but now it's being shown that girls take their aggression out in snipey little ways on their friends and people who are close to them, and that they hold grudges and do malicious little things in really subtle ways instead of challenging people to duals. It's fucking fascinating. Relational aggression. And the theories about WHY girls are that way are even neater.

Also, my readings for my "adulthood" class for this week include a lot of articles about love relationships. I hate attachment theories. But I can pretend these are interesting (and not totally dry and the most unpoetic ways of conceptualizing romance I've ever had to deal with) because I just impose you guys onto the different theories. He heh heh.

Gawd, I am boring. My mom wrote me an offensive email entitled "GAWD this tickles me" in which she insinuated that until very recently I have been irresponsible with money. I had to do some deep breathing relaxation exercises, especially in light of my Cleo-being-taken-away-memories, to not reply to that.

Also, I realized today that my cousin Evan (hey cuz!) looks exactly like a young Matthew Broderick, circa "Biloxi Blues."

Yes, I think that's about it. Time to stop procrastinating.

FROM: Senator: Idris Kuta
REPLY TO:idriskuta@web-mail.com.ar


My name is Senator Idris Kuta, a member of
the Senate committee on Pension,Insurance and Manpower
Development in the National Assembly of the Federal
Republic of Nigeria.

I am writing you to earnestly Solicit for your
assistance in helping to receive some sum of money
into your account for safe keeping. I got your e-mail
address through an internet marketing firm while
searching for a reliable and reputable person to
handle this transaction.

THE PROPOSITION:

We have the sum of US$29,000,000.00 (Twenty Nine
Million Dollars) that we intend to transfer overseas
through theassistance of a foreign partner. This money
came as a result of Over provision in the budget for
unclaimed pension and accident insurance. This over
provision was done by my committee, but all payments
have been made to beneficiaries leaving behind the
over budgeted amount which amounts to US$29,000,000.00
which is deposited in the Nigeria Deposit Bank here in
Nigeria.

I have agreed to transfer the funds overseas for my
campaign funding and other investment purposes,
private use and for investment purposes with your
help. I am contacting you therefore, to stand in as
the beneficiary to process this fund into your
custody. As soon as you consent to this I will
immediately send you title documents to the fund in
your name so you can make claim for it.

I will provide you with 30% for assisting us and 5% to
be set aside for reimbursement,for expenses that may
arise during the process ofconcluding the transaction.
The fund shall be transferred to you legally in
accordance to all laid down procedures governing
transfer of funds.

I have perfected all modalities for the successful
transfer of this money to you as the beneficiary.

Finally, I have to reassure you that this transaction
is 100% risk free and should be kept absolutely
confidential. Presently, you can reach me by return
mail, you should also include your telephone numbers
if any, for secured communication between us.

Thank you for your anticipated cooperation. I await
your response.

Also Note that we need to conclude this transaction
before the end of next month as we can still make
payments on last years budget till this time.

Best Regards,

Senator Idris Kuta

Look! somebody wrote "gullible" on the ceiling!

So I've heard lots about this stupid south african money scheme email fraud thing, but never had I been so lucky as to RECEIVE one of the emails, and then today, this morning, in the space of about ten minutes I get not one but TWO eerily-similar sounding emails. Huh.

Please Acknowledge Receipt.

From:  
"Dr.Steve Khoza" 

Date:  
Tue, February 11, 1997 10:22 pm

Dear Friend,

I am Dr.Steve Khoza, a native of Cape Town in South Africa and I am an
Executive accountant with the South Africa Department of Minerals &
Energy
First and Foremost my apology, for using this medium to reach you,
for a
transaction/business of this nature. Be informed that a member of the
South
Africa export Promotion Council (SEPC) who was at the Government
delegation
to your country during a trade exhibition gave your enviable
credentials/particulars to me. I have decided to seek a confidential
cooperation with you in the execution of the deal described hereunder
for
the benefit of all parties and hope you will keep it as a top secret
because
of the nature of this transaction.

Within the department of Minerals & Energy where I work as an
executive
accountant and with the cooperation of four other top officials, we
have in
our possession as overdue payments bills totalling twenty-one
million, five
Hundred thousand U.S Dollars ($21,500,000) which we want to transfer
abroad
with the assistance and cooperation of a foreign company/individual to
receive the said funds on our behalf or a reliable foreign company
account
to receive such funds. More so, we are handicapped in the
circumstances, as
the South Africa Code of Conduct does not allow us to operate offshore
account hence your importance in the whole transaction.

This amount $21.5m represents the balance of the total contract value
executed on behalf of my department by a foreign contracting firm,
which we
the officials over-invoiced deliberately. Though the actual contract
cost
have been paid to the original contractor, leaving the balance in the
tune
of the said amount which we have in principles gotten approval to
remit by
Telegraphic transfer (TT) to any foreign bank account you will
provide by
filing in an application through the Justice Ministry here in South
Africa
for the transfer of rights and privileges of the former contractor to
you.

I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that should
you be
willing to assist us in the transaction your share of the sum will be
30% of
the $21, 5 million, 60% for us and 10% for taxation and miscellaneous
expenses. The business itself is 100% safe, on your part provided you
treat
it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. Also your area of
specialization
is not a hindrance to the successful execution of this transaction. I
have
reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me.
Endeavour to contact me immediately through my email address
skhoza1@fastermail.com
whether or not you are interested in this deal. If
you are not, it will enable me scout for another foreign partner to
carry
out this deal. I want to assure you that my partners and myself are
in a
position to make the payment of this claim possible provided you can
give us
a very strong assurance and guarantee that our share will be secured
and
please remember to
treat this matter as very confidential, because we will not
comprehend with
any form of exposure as we are still in active Government Service and
remember once again that time is of the essence in this business.

I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.

Yours faithfully,

Dr. Steve Khoza.

Subject: Need Your Help

From:
garaba_jean@simplesnet.pt

Date:
Tue, April 20, 2004 8:00 am

Sir,
My name is Garaba Jean-Mario, a national of Central African Republic.
Though, we have not met before, and i consider this as an unusual way of
presenting a business cooperation, i pray that you forgive me because i do
not have any other option rather than soliciting your cooperation through
this means. I got your contact while i was searching the net for a
reputable company or individual with whom i can transact this business
with. I was a protocol officer to Ange Felix Patasse, the former president
of Central African Republic, who is deposed and is now on exile in the
republic of Togo. In the event of the rebellion that removed Patasse from
power, i made away with two well-sealed boxes each containing the sum of
USD 25,000,000 from a secret vault in the presidential villa.With the help
of my German friend, who was a diplomatic courrier to the President, he
assisted me in transporting these boxes from central african republic to
Cotonou, in the republic of Benin through a diplomatic channel. For
security reasons, he assisted me in lodging these boxes with a security
company in Cotonou and registerd the boxes in his name as ontaining FAMILY
CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND FILES. He gave me the secret code and a copy of
the DEED OF LODGE. Unfortunately for me while i was still in detention for
political reasons, my German friend died 3 months ago of Cardiac
complications. This may have been as a result of numerous matrimonial
problems. Now that i have been released from detention, i have gone to the
security company to raise claims to these boxes but the security company
has refused to honour my request, saying that the boxes were not
registered in my name but the name of my late German friend. Now, the
security company has requested that they can only release these boxes to
any of my late friends family members or foreign associates on provision
of necessary proofs such as the SECRET CODE, PHOTOCOPY OF THE DEED OF
LODGE AND DEATH CERTIFIC ATE of my late friend. All these informations and
documents i already have in my custody. But i need a foreigner like you
who can assist me in raising this claim by putting in an application as my
late friends associate. I cannot treat this business with my late friends
ex- wife for two obvious reasons:
1) if i treat this business with her, i may loose all my money to her
because she may not understand that this money belongs to me and not her
former husband.
2)i never knew her and never met her, but i know she was a major factor to
my late friends death because he always mentioned how she was cheating on
him despite all he had done for her.My late friend has a 9 month old baby
which he had from a relationship with a Central African woman, he so much
loved his daughter, now she is left without a father and adequate care. I
have mapped out 10% of this money to be paid into a child's welfare
account for her, immediately the money is released.
Before my friend died,i had plans with him to invest this money into real
estate business in Germany as a joint venture with him, that is 70% for me
and 30% for him. I want you to assist me in raising this claims so that
this money will be released for both of us. We can invest this money in
your country in a joint partnership, 65% for me, 25% for you while 10%
goes to Anita, my late friends daughter's welfare account. If we have a
deal, contact me immediately so that we can talk.This whole secret is
shared only between me and my late friend, now you are the third person.
No time to waste. Regards.

Garaba Jean-Mario.

**I especially like the part where the one guy talks about how terrible his friend's wife is. Riiiiiiight.

I Need You So Much Closer

Chris: I am not going to tell you who to vote for. Shame on you for looking to someone else to make that decision for you. All I said was that those websites encouraged me to get informed, which I am/was not. I will never ever volunteer to argue politics with you or anyone else because I am aware of how lacking my political education is. So make up your own mind. Neeener

Raedy: Celeste has promised never to say, "dead bunnies" again.

Stacey: If you do not send me a recipe for cookies slash update in the next couple days my head is LITERALLY going to explode.

Ashleigh: How's the apartment? How was grocery shopping? Do you feel super grown up? Considering you had a real grown up job years before the rest of us, that might be a retarded question. But anyway.

Attention Everyone: My neighbors wanted me to inform you that they got some bongos last week. JD wanted me to inform you that our neighbors don't know how to play the bongos.

Also, everyone: Our power went out this morning as I was trying to get dressed. It's not all that dark in the closet, but I still managed to come to school wearing mismatched socks, entirely too much mascara, a shirt that looks retarded with my pants, a hairbrush stuck to my head, etc.

Also, everyone: I stuck photos of you all up in my office above my desk this morning so now I can gaze upon your loveliness every time I need a break from Boring City. However, I was dismayed to find that I only have pictures from like eleven years ago, so if anyone has doubles of anything cute or entertaining that they are not using and would be so kind as to send them my way, you can find my mailing address in Melissa's comments section or I will email it to you if you say you'll send me something. Puhleaaaaaase send me pictures.

*click*

I Forgot The Start. Use My Hands To Use My Heart.

I think the single most irritating thing about Sundays for me is that at 9pm, I want to watch The Sopranos, Law & Order:CI, and Arrested Development all at once. Which doesn't ever happen because the Sopranos doesn't have commercials, and I end up watching just that. And we could always tape something OR I could watch the Sopranos on Monday nights, when they show it again, but I can't bring myself to not watch it on Sundays. It's too awesome some times. Isn't that sad that the most annoying thing I have to deal with on a particular day is not having Tivo to enjoy all that delicious programming. It's rough.

It is rainy, freezing, and windy here this weekend, which is making the whole area feel and look a lot like Indiana, which in turn is making me want to move to scotland. And it also meant that when we went to disneyland yesterday we were like the only people there and got to go on all the rides we wanted. Heh. So predictable, Californians. Later this afternoon I am going to meet JD for lunch but since we shouldn't spend money at Baja Fresh like we normally would, I am packing a picnic lunch for us, isn't that sweet of me. Isn't that necessary of me.

Speaking of how broke we are, we're Quite Broke but it's ok. It's like things could Not get worse than this, barring some huge natural disaster that ruins us, which wouldn't even be surprising. We had A Talk last night so now we're finally on the same page about what we need to do with the money and where it's all going every month and what we'll have left over and what we can afford to do and buy and how it's going to change for the worse when I'm TAing for a pitance next fall...but knowing stuff in advance means I can plan for it, which is like my third favorite thing to do, so it's all planned for. We just have to be on the same page. And every summer is going to be ridiculously hard, not just this one where we have credit debt. I hate money so much, but I honestly feel like I've disabused myself of many of the extremely bad habits I've had up until as recently as a few weeks ago. Seriously. No, I mean it.

I don't think I ever felt more like we were married than when we were having that conversation. Not in a bad way. It's just that this whole joint money thing is probably not something most unmarried couples go through, at least from what I can see. If we could split everything 50/50 and keep it all separate we would, but that's completely unrealistic and unfair to us both. I'm not going to explain. But hopefully that just means that we're going through the whole angsty early 20-something couple money situation now and by the time we actually get married we'll be done with all that. Hahahahaha. It's nice to be unrealistic.

I just want a cat, goddammit. We started talking about what ind of resources it would take to hunt down Cleo and bring her out here instead of getting a kitten, and I was tearing up thinking about her. I fully believe that some old lady loves her dearly now but I bet she could be bought off. Fuck.

In my "adulthood" class that sounds so ridiculous but is going to be fascinating and probably force me to change my age range to, narcissistically, my young adult peers because that's easier to get famous with and easier to get subjects, plus I'm always interested in myself....anyway in the class we were all talking about where we consider "home" to be, and allt he older students, married with kids students, other first years, etc. all said their parents' home was their real home. And I vehemently disagreed and said that home was where I was, and had been since I moved out and went to college and was paying my own bills. they were all totally shocked by that, and I had to stop myself from elaborating that also my dad died, my uninvolved disaster of a mom lost all the money he left and then had to sell the house, gave away my cat under the pretense of "starting fresh" and then immediately bought herself a new kitten, moved to an apartment too small for me to come home and feel comfortable (or have a bed or any privacy), and hasn't been financially supporting me since I was old enough to work at Showplace. Yeah, reflecting on that it somehow doesn't surprise me that I don't consider my home to be where she is. Sad, maybe, but she went about destroying our home when we had it (oh, I mean "renovating" with all the money) until it was unrecognizeable, destroying every relationship she ever had with anyone that had anything to do with my father out of spite and imagined persecution, GAVE AWAY MY CAT (which, ultimately, is the thing I am least able to forgive her for. That may seem childish to a lot of you but no one but JD understands how much I loved that fucking cat, and how many desperate temporary arrangements for the cat i had made that included her going to stay at JD's mom's, who is ALLERGIC to cats but at least understood how upset I was. Whereas my own mom literally wrenched her out of my arms, feigning mutual sadness, and dropped her off at wherever she went. And then got "tinky" the lamest cat ever, not jsut because I hate her for giving Cleo away so much

I just can't imagine a more perfect way to solidify the way i felt about my mom the entire span of my adolescence than to sum up with, "and then, just as I was old enough to go off to college and could have gotten my own apartment and had my own cat, she got rid of her on the fucking pretense that she didn't want any pets in her new apartment"

So I just noticed how angry I really am about that. But that's just one example of absolutely typical mom behavior in the years 1993-2002 or so, and you could argue more than that.

anyway. speaking of moms, jd's hasn't sent me my fricking sunglasses yet. That's right, it's been like 2 months, and that means I'm either wearing JD's immense dorky ones or I'm squinting in springtime in California. also i'm having an ongoing issue with that fact that a certain bill is in my name but goes to her and doesn't get paid. seriously. it's starting to give me panic attacks and when I discreetly go and pay it (we can't afford to pay it) she doesn't question how it got paid, just that it did, and then she doesn't bother paying the rest when in reality she's only paying half of it a month so it's always half past due and it's really frustrating. I don't even want to know what continually having a past due balance (CONTINUALLY) did to my credit, in conjunction with all the other bullshit we're doing to my credit.

anyway, so that's frustrating too. Neither of us likes to talk to her about it. But now we have to, as it is going to make me throw up if its not resolved Asap.

Hmm, what else. Jenny nice new blog,thanks for liking the comps. They're awesome, I told you. I'll try to call you later on. Feel free to screen. Speaking of, I got an angry call that I must assume was for Shaniggra yesterday that went like this:

Me: hello?
Them: HE-LLO?
Me: Yes?
Them: WHO is this?
Me: Who is THIS?!
Them: Naw, WHO is THIS?
Me:(click)

What the fuck. I just wanted to be like "look at the goddamn numbers as you dial them if you're that fucking retarded, assface"

Celeste, I didnt' say "dead bunnies" because Raedy cries whenever anyone says "dead bunnies" so I deliberately changed it to be more friendly. Also, my zip code is NOT 90210. But you're not the first person I got to believe me, however briefly

Ashleigh, hope you got moved in ok and you LOVE your new apartment. I'm sure you do, I'm sure it's awesome. And you'll get a little package sometime next week.

I have to go pilates/shower/make lunch/go meet jd/do schoolwork/write emails/talk to my mom/call my sister/watch sopranos/go to bed now

In The Name Of Garnering A Book Deal

Tonight Girlie was squealing loudly as her boyfriend pounded her mindlessly ("tilt-a-girl" comes to mind for any other Cosmo readers...for some reason I always picture her taking it from behind) in the living room and to fight back JD took his beloved whoopie cushion out onto the balcony and employed it thusly. Over and over and over. The noises changed abruptly from predictable squeaks to confusion and when they finally looked out the living rooom window and saw JD, standing there with my digicam and the whoopee cushion, they may finally have learned their lesson(s).

Take that, you inconsiderate fornicators. Not that it really bugs us anymore, the dude rarely lasts more than 5-7 seconds and we surely get a kick out of that so I think our raucous laughter aimed pointedly at their living room conveys that quite adequately

JD got the coolest Tat ever that I drew for him, finally, he's been wanting to get this for such a long time...it's something I used to doodle on the backs of all my notebooks in high school...it's a heart with "JD + Liz" in the middle with an arrow going through it and flames behind it all but the heart/arrow is contained within the top loop of an Ankh and this ankh is three-dimensional and casts a shadow on the mountain landscape it sits atop.

I went to the Post Office today where the desk clerk with the speech impediment that made him nearly impossible to understand starting either hitting on me or asking me if i "still" play basketball, I wasn't entirely sure what his hand gestures were supposed to mean. It was unnerving because I was using such cognitive effort to try not to offend him when all I wanted to do was scream that me no comprende, hombre

Also at the post office, the nice clerk next to mine was helping a small Asian girl mail a very very large package, and loudly said, "Ok, so let's see, this will get to Japan around..." and the girl interrupts him to point out that the package is addressed to the United Kingdom, not Japan, you racist fuck, and he backpeddles "gracefully" by saying, "oh, well, it'll stop in Japan on the way, no charge to you" as if to reassure her that her Japanese package would, indeed, be returning to her Homeland before venturing on to Eastern Europe, because clearly she was concerned that the contents of the box might never know how beautiful Kyoto is

I just watched a segment on the evening news about earthquakes and how We Are All Going To Be Killed By One Tomorrow (which the skeptical newsanchor practically rolled his eyes through) during which they displayed a photo in the corner of a man wearing a ski mask captioned "Serial Molester On The Loose" that seemed rather inappropriate considering they were talking about earthquakes.

earlier I gave JD a haircut and he let me wax his eyebrows and bikini area as well. They go nicely with his new tattoo.

Also today I spent an inordinate amount of time during a meeting with a prof being complimented on my "fashion sense" and "personal style" which I was actually offended by because my personal "style" consists of buying the same shirt in 14 colors and only wearing that, occasionally with unflattering sweaters or old-man pants. And goodwill t-shirts, which is probably why the Nice Man at the Post Office was so curious about whether I "still" played. Yes, I obviously play CHRISTIAN basketball. I think I told him I used to play when I was little and then he either congratulated me on still fitting into my shirt from childhood or he suggested that I ought to model. I'm not entirely sure.

I called Keith and left a voicemail saying I needed his address, here is the conversation we had when he called me back:

Me: Hello?
K: Hey, I'm out of day time minutes, let's make this quick
Me: Ok, let me grab a pen...ok go with the address
K: I actually got something in the mail from Ashleigh saying she's a candidate for a BS in nursing this May...
Me: Yes
K: But strangely, no invitation. I wonder if this is my invitation
Me: Uh, no, that's what's known in college graduate circles as "an announcement" it's not an invitation, you're supposed to send her money
K: Ha, that's not goin-
Me: Ahem with the address, I'm on the other line with Stacey
K: Oh, right, ok, it's BLAH BLHA BLAH
Me: mhmm
K: And there's no "e" on the end of "point"
Me: Duh
K: well, my parent's house address has an "e" on the end of "pointe" so I didn't want you to get..
Me: I don't have you rparent's address memorized.
K: (disappointed) Oh

hahahahahah

Ok now, I'm going to sit down with a book of mad libs and see what other ridiculous shit I can cook up.

Yet I Am Just A Man, Still Learning How To Fall

So. I was seriously considering not updating until Melissa gave me a personalized spot on her blog, but I can't help myself. I love to talk endlessly and arrogantly in public forums about the trivialities in my daily life. Because I know it's important.

First, I was sitting down to make comp cds when I had this naaaaaggging feeling that there was one particular song I had meant to get on Limewire and look for. And there went the afternoon. BUT, I got a LOT of cool shit, including the new Blonde Redhead that's so awesome it not only made me cream my jeans but also melted my face off with its awesomeness and made me praise jesus that they still rock so hard. Actually, they rock harder than ever, and I think pitchfork's lil' review of the new album says it pretty well. So check it OUT, or request it of me.

As if you couldn't gather from that, I didn't quite finish or start the actual comping. I feel like I need to reevaluate some of my choices now that I have all this music I'm really absurdly excited about to include. But they're coming, I promise.

Next, I have been talking up my plans to meet you all in Las Vegas in mid-December (ostensibly for a celebration of December birthdays....someone will have to call Chris Harger and Amy Watson and invite them, I doubt they read this) with a few of you, the date's still flexible but has to be a time when no one is in school and everyone can get out there for a few days. It'sa kick ass. Anyway, to help with the planning aspects I made this, and in case there was any doubt the password is Ahem one you should probably already know and feel free to use, coughcoughstartswithanRandrhymeswithCemorseless. Let's not run this into the ground, self

anygay

Someone explain to me why it would be hypothetically risky to post your home address online.
No, I'm being serious.

I was accused of being a "white-collar criminal" by a criminology student today because I was discussing with one of my friends how she reported her tuition waiver as income (or didn't, or whatever would be most misleading to the gov't) and he interrupted and said something to the effect of white collar crime being below the radar and it took most of my restraint not to go, "yeah iiiiii have a criminal justice BA too, shmuck" but he's in grad school for it (he's in my stats class) but the tension was eased when I pointed out that to be "white-collar" you have to be living marginally above the poverty level, haha I am so funny. They thought I was, at least. Sometimes I'm appalled at how easy it is. Everyone's always so goddamn polite it's fucking refreshing to have someone cracking sarcastic jokes. Know whut I mean?

What else ridiculous happened today? Oh, I was standing in the kitchen with JD and he was making mashed potatoes and I was looking through the cupboard and decided I wanted some tea and went, "i want some TEA" in this strange angry old lady voice that is FROM SOMEWHERE, for some reason I thought if Jenny most when I did that, could someone please tell me what or where that's from so JD understands why I laughed myself to bits after saying it?

I went to get the mail as I came home from school today and the Most Helpful and Nice Mailman Ever was standing there putting mail in and was all, "Hi there! Howdy! Which box ya need?" And I told him, "96" because as you know from other comments sections I live at 96 promenahahahahaha that's probably une mauvais idee but he and I had a little contest to see who coulld be the most genuinely smiley and sweet and pleasant, it was very fun. I won so he had to jump in the duck pond

I pointed out to Keith that he lied incorrectly recounted the Chicken Breast Incident in my comments section, to which he replied, "well, that is how I am going to remember it, so too bad." How diplomatic. P.S. your birthday comp will probably not get there in time for you to turn Over The Hill so too bad. If you would tell the truth I might priority mail it. No, probably not.

That reminds me how broke we are. But then JD told me a story about how his family used to have popcorn for dinner when he was little and they were really broke and I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

Speaking of, I called his mom the other night to get a recipe from her and she explained her political views to me. Ouch. I didn't even care to have political views until I participated in Melissa's comments section and realized how personally I am taking it in the ass from a poorly trained monkey president and then went to Kerry's website and also this one which both helped me get furrrrrred up (ha ha, I furrd) to pay attention. Vote, guys. Vote with all your might.

Attention Raedy and others skilled in html: How might I link an mp3 or other audio to this blog? I would also like to make it more pictureful, but alas I am a programming language retard. Please mail instructions to my home address, of 96 Prombulglade, Encino CA, 90210. Thanks in advance. Or, I have the email now.

How bout a show of hands for those of us who wish our parents/grandparents would get with the Technology already? Huh? Huh?

Raedy could you please start being more frequent with your photoblog updates?

Celeste, I think you should know that the day before you updated I thought about putting an incisive remark directed at you on here so you would feel compelled to update. So I did care. But I decided that your breath didn't smell too much like bunnies yet.

Darci! Congrats on the cool job. And the cute dog. Hope Sadie and Violet love each other.

Yes, what else. what else. I went running (literally) away from my problems yesterday and haven't tried to do anything intentionally active in such a long time that today I am sore in muscles I didn't know even got used when you ran, like my brain. Waaaah and my heart. No just kidding.

God, this blog is hilarious, I don't even try anymore these days. WHARS M'BOOK DEAL

I think you have to have snazzy pics to get a book deal. And probably interesting subject matter. I'll start making shit up more often.

Let's have a quick Grammar Lesson for those of us who Are Stupid:

1.) There is no such word as "nother." Example: "That is a whole NOTHER story/stats class/topic" Instead you could say, "that is a whole OTHER story/stats class/topic" or "that is an entirely different story/stats class/topic" etc.

2.) When you are needing to tell your flight students to be faster in doing something while they're with you, it is not correct to say, "you need to be more quicker with that." also unacceptable: "you are the most quick student I have," and "I can be more quicklier than you," and "Quickishly! Do it quickiestly you can!"
Instead, try using the word correctly: quick, quicker, quickest. More quickly, quickly. Now go say spoon a thousand times out loud to yourself while reading about how Mr. Toad dropped his spoon behind his stove and couldn't eat his pea soup so he cried and the word spoon sounds as ridiculous as the word "quick" looks in print right now.

3.) There is no Jimmy Eat World song called "Here You Me," Limewire patrons. That makes no sense. The song is called, "HEAR You Me," and it's about someone (you) hearing (with ears) the speaker (me). Make a quicktesh note of it. Thaaaaaanxxx

All These Robots Fucking In The Middle Of The Jay-Z Video

So, to Jenny and the ever-confused-about-her-apparent-identity Raedy, at least when she takes outdated quizzlets about my friends, I apologize for twisting your arms to have you post those results. Totally forgot that the pics never showed up the first time around and prooooooobably wouldn't be showing up today. So scratch that suggestion that you all take/post that thing. Maybe I'll make a new one, heh. I have lovely pictures of most of you on my camera phone. Heh.

I am so bored. So so so so so so bored. Duh, that's why I'm updating. But more bored than usual.
Let's see, what have I done today?

Slept as much as I could stand to. Far longer than I needed, or my body wanted to. I just didn't want to have today. Maybe we could reschedule it for another time.

Then I sat around in my pajamas watching stupid shit on tv. The plastic surgery show that always makes me want boobs and the tap dancer who isn't actually Made and stupid movies on hbo and then I got so bored I decided to take a bath and "exfoliate" myself which was time consuming (why I decided to do it) but other than making me feel like I was going to pass out (something about baths always makes me feel like I'm dying) and that I'd effectively scraped a quarter inch of dirt and living skin off myself, it wasn't that great. I smell like whoa, though.

Realized my neighbor with the dog and the penchant for getting porked in her boyf's living room withthe windows open is incapable of making any noise that doesn't sound like porking. Example: She calls her dog, Rachel, like this

"RACHIE!!!!RAAAACHIE!!! CMERE RAAAAAACHIE!!!! RACH RACH RACH RACH RACH RAAAAAAAAACH!"

At all goddamn hours of the morning and night. And likewise, everything she says (HI!!!HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!) comes out the same, leading me to conclude that she's incapable of not speaking like she's in the middle of something. The dog is a retard, it won't "bark at strangers" (BARK BARK BARK BARK!!! STRA STRA STRA STRA!! NGERS!!! BARK!!!) like she told us she wanted it to do, it won't heed her commands, it won't do anything but nip at passerby ankles and get yipped at by the girl who owns it.

They had a party again last night. Siiiiigh.

Checked my email, finally there are signs of Ash being alive, whew. I thought it only fair to post on here that she will be naming her hairbrush Keith, in honor of his lost and fallen. Just kidding. Or AM I? Hahahaha.

I might be able to work coding bullshit uninteresting videos this summer which would supplement my income of "zip" to "almost we can pay all the bills" but it looks like that won't happen. It would have definitely been nice though. I'll keep hoping. Ha.

School's good, this quarter is more seminars and less bullshit requirements, though those are still there. I have a feeling I will feel overwhelmed in a couple weeks. Oh well.

I'm in a bad mood. It feels like this day cannot go by fast enough. And everytime I look at the clock I want it to be 10pm or something and it's like I'm really aware of the minutes passing. I don't know why I hate today so much, I'm just fucking bored. Yeah I could do work. Yeah there's a sneak preview of 13 Going On 30 tonight. Sometimes I just get really pissed off at how broke we are and I get bitter about not being able to do stuff I want to go do. I think that's the problem.

Also I got a phone call from an unrecognized number, that had the Irvine area code in front of it, so I answered it, and they asked me how late I would be open tonight. Hoo hoo hoo. So many funny things I could have said but I just got snotty instead.

In better (?) news, I have figured out the ordering I want for sixty something songs on a series of comp cds so now all that remains is you guys requesting them. And yeah, there's one song with the lyric, "All these robots fucking in the Jay-Z video." In case you were curious.

I think I'm going to move to Europe. Things aren't making me happy anymore. This area of the country is so hollow and soulless. Bahh.

Less Than A Moment

1.) I keep fucking forgetting to mention that I updated my fotoblog like a month ago. And Sis, I swear I'm going to email you photos someday soon.

2.) Keith, you are not actually on my shit list. But don't fib on the chicken breast thing.

3.) I am sensing myself slipping into Comp CD Making Overdrive. Who wants one? I have 275 new songs burning a hole in my iPod

4.) Day 2 of multiple regressions? Twice as confusing as Day 1. Shit.

5.) In a minute I have to go to a 3 hour long class called "Adulthood" which I am going to treat as "clinical psychoanalysis for research psychologists." Once it's finished, I will be able to inform all of you exactly what is wrong with you at all times. And I will.

6.) I found THIS GEM in my archives. Please take it and post your results on your own webpage, if you are somehow ridiculously bored today. I think most of you are included, and if not email me and I'll make a new quiz, heh. Any excuse to label people.

7.) Check out Melissa's comments section, WHEW!

8.) Raedy, despite your best intentions I think you need a comments section too. And give my best to that College you so like to donate to.

9.) Darci congrats on job. Kyle congrats on boyf. Jenny congrats on scholarship.

10.) Jesus and I love you!

The Most Blowjobs!

I love HBO. Reasons Why:

1.) The Sopranos. The episode this week was seriously the most action packed into one hour I've seen on tv. Ever. And honestly, it makes other shows not worth watching.

2.) The 4th season of Mr. Show, which I have not seen in its entirety. Two episodes were on the other night. One had this dialogue, in reference to a blowjob contest:

Girl: You were giving blowjobs?!?
Bob: The MOST blowjobs!

I laughed my ass literally off my self. Who remembers how clever we thought we were in high school when we first thought to say "literally" in front of that. I do.

Lesse, what else. I was browsing through my archives and I still think I'm hilarious about a lot of things. Choice of titling, i.e. However, you guys all stopped commenting like you said you would. Verrrry uncool. So why don't you get back on that, lest I take it down.

I made cookies tonight. For some reason I can't make them look right no matter how much I dote on them. stupid fuckers. they're always too pale and too fluffy. I also ate 90% of the batter, so I will most certainly have salmonella tomorrow. Stace, I need some culinary advice. Ashleigh, I'll need some food poisioning advice.

I had my first multiple regression class today. I'm already rethinking that whole "minor in stats" idea. Fucking shitballs, she just dove right back in. I don't LIKE the residual, no matter how important it may be.

I cant' remember what the crap I meant to post about. I'm really tired, I'm in the midst of trying to adjust my sleep schedule to a more suitable one where I get up early enough to get a decent parking spot. Which, by the way, is awesome. I lovvvvvvee parking on campus.

Let's start planning the Vegas trip. Also, those of you who are coming to visit this summer should begin fantasizing about how rad it's going to be. Except I hear it's foggy in June (?!?!) so maybe you should come in July instead. Stace, any big birthday plans yet? I am trying to figure out when to come home in August, I was going to try to hit all the major August birthdays/weddings.

Ok, I have to watch Scrubs now.

You Were Never A Good Lay, And You Were Never A Good Friend

I'm not even supposed to be here today. There's no Monday meeting this week, but I'm still on campus dilligently sitting in my office acting like I have piles of work to be plowing through, which I probably do. It was kind of depressing when I realized the deja vu feeling of first-day-of-the-new-quarter excitement I had a few minutes ago means that I was this alert, motivated, and determined to get my shit together this time LAST quarter, and this will probably wear off by week 5 too. Piss. I am trying in vain to get ready for a meeting I have in an hour that will be totally useless because I have done nothing to prepare for the meeting, and all I have written down about it is a cryptic "question numbers" in my planner next to the time. Yeah, nice going Self. Sheesh.

Did anyone else happen to check Maddox's page on April Fools Day? Hilarious. But the post today is even more hilarious.

Also hilarious: talking to Keith the other day, he was cooking chicken breasts. And he says, "mmm, these chicken breasts look so good, I think I'll name them Ashleigh"
WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT?

Yeah, he then proceeded to say the following things about my sister:
-is she still pretty?
-is she still hot?
-does she still have bigger boobs and a smaller ass than you?
-she was always the hot one, you could stand to lose a few pounds and then maybe you'd look more like her

and then, later, he called me, "Davis, but not the hot one" after I told "ball" to "stop calling me Davis."

And then I barfed. Hahaha. Then he said something about belly dancing and I fell asleep to preserve the contents of memory. Too bad you had to be so hateful, Ball, I will now be deliberately forgetting your birthday and then telling Ashleigh all about how I deliberately forgot it on purpose.

ASHLEIGH I JUST FIGURED OUT WHERE YOUR DICK-IN-THE-COFFEE TITLE CAME FROM!! FUCK YOU, YOU SNEAKY BITCH!

That brings me to my next paragraph. I heart Limewire. I downloaded, oh, something like 275 songs a couple days ago. One of which contains the lyrics to Ashleigh's coffee stirring dick post title. Not what I was expecting it to be from. Hint: Not Missy Elliot. Hahahahahaha, Ashleigh, you're so delicious, I think I'll name my diet coke after you.

I had the following dream last night:

I was dressed unusually nicely, as I happened to be the other day when we went to the topless ballet, and I walked into a gym where a pep rally of some sort was about to begin. Very crowded with people I went to high school/college/etc. with, along with basically everyone I have ever met. Across the gym from where I come in is Adam Kinney, with his whole entourage of lame-asses all seated nearby, but with exaggerated "gay" spaces between them. And I noticed Adam notice me without looking right at him in that way you can in dreams and then I watched him turn several shades of bright red. Then I spotted Melissa Shockely off to my right, and went and hugged her. And then I basically left.

What a stupid dream. Stupider was that I made a point to try to remember as much of it as I could because I had it in the middle of the night instead of the morning, and for some reason that seemed important. I think Adam's presence was directly caused by my listening to certain Ani DiFranco songs earlier in the day. Yeah yeah.

You need to sausage her fears, sweetie. Sausage them right away. Christ Almighty.

Oh dear, lookit the time. Hahahaha, way to start the new quarter off on the right foot, self. Hahahahaha.

Furious Angels Will Bring You Back To Me

Shut up, I don't get on your cases when you go months without posting.

So, I've been attempting a badditude adjustment in the last week or so. Not sure how much progress I've actually made, but I'm gradually coming out of the darkest part of the existential crisis funk so I guess that's a good sign. And I'm not going to be too cinematic about it, anymore, here, today, but it's just not something I'm personally used to fighting off. I think it's a widespread early 20-something angsty realization of the disparity between what we're taught our whole lives (get a degree. it doesn't matter what, jsut get a degree and doors will open. you'll be much better off with a degree) and what's actually happening (people with good degrees can't find jobs in their fields, can't find satisfying employment at all, can't reconcile the societally ingrained desire for accumulation of material possessions with the youthful doe-eyed idealism of really thinking one person can make a difference). Security versus personal fulfillment. Trust versus passion. Settling for security versus sticking your neck out for happiness. etc.

When I say it's something new to me, I don't mean precisely that I don't wrestle with the same issues I assume all people in this demographic wrestle with. I mean I never put a whole lot of thought into what I wanted to be or do, and psychology was arbitrary, grad school was arbitrary, everything I did throughout high school and college (academically) was with the goal of getting into grad school in mind, and now that's been accomplished, I'm unsure of what the next goal should be. And since this quest to get into school has been in the back of my mind for such a long time, it's new to me to be wondering what comes next. Five years off isn't coming up so quickly, but like I said, I was plotting this in high school. I like to have my ducks in a row as early as I can. Necessary or not.

It comes down to me feeling this intense self-doubt because I don't have The Ideal Job in mind. Other than being a professor, which as of right now holds LITTLE appeal for me, I'm not really sure what my options are. Of course, there's always learning for learning's sake, which actually sits well with me, but it would be nice to be able to secure some kind of stable career path since by the time I'm through with this I'll be near thirty, and something tells me I'll be wanting kids by then. Also, it would be nice to have something in mind now that I can tailor my grad school experience to, and take steps to be as competitive as I need to be. So I realize that I need to figure out what I ultimately want to do. And there are some options, I'm just not all that familiar with what they are. That would be step #1 to relieving this unpleasantness.

In other words, I now have a better handle on what the problem actually is, so I can shake it to and fro and break its neck and kill it.

It was just a lame fucking week back there. Thanks Raedy for coaxing me out of hating grad school.

What else is new?

I just took the longest bath I've ever taken. This week is spring break for me, so between cat sitting and my forays into the culinary world, I have taken to staying up until JD gets up to go to work because I noticed that no matter when I fall asleep, I will sleep until 1pm. therefore, I can stay up all hours and pretend I'm going to do something more productive than watch HBO all night and get a decent amount of sleep and wake up in time to cook something and feel stupidly proud of how domestic I've been all week.

Went to a show at the House of Blues in Anaheim tonight, we didn't stay long because quite frankly, it wasn't good. JD got free tickets from some girl he works with and wanted to check out the venue anyway so that worked out. We got to ride Big Thunder Mtn. RR beforehand too, which is getting less scary everytime we go on it, since that guy got killed.

I'm getting a little tired of hearing celebrities talk.

Last night we saw a modern dance company perform three modern short pieces that were ridiculously awesome. There were boobies for an extended period of time in the third piece. Nice. There's something about modern dance that makes me seriously, intensely regret not pursuing it as a potential career when I was younger. I remember one time going with my dad to a modern dance recital at UE and being so enthralled with it that I pleaded to take dance lessons. I remember vaguely declaring my New Year's Resolution one year to be "to convince you guys (parents) to let me take dance lessons." I also remember how that was met with such a chilly reception (whether because I wanted dance lessons or because they disapproved of my choice of "resolution," I can't say for sure) that I never broached the topic again, and silently resented them for not being encouraging for a very long time. I thought it was such a strange reaction, since my father had seemed so pleased that I had extremely enjoyed the performance. But that's neither here nor there. Quite frankly, I am probably too chickenshit to make a career as any kind of performance artist in the first place, so I guess it all works out. That's something that has just been coming to mind lately, and a lot lately. I think it's probably a weensie bit late to start training for a dance career.

Anyway. So the ballet was great. Things are great. GreatER than they have been, anyway. I'm back to remembering how supremely lucky I am to be getting paid to go to school with this economy, yah yah yah. And how self-motivated you have to be to succeed in grad school, which is why I am floundering right now, but then how feeling like I'm falling behind or drowning makes me want it twice as hard, so hopefully this little freakout will light a fire under my typically-overachieving-ass and get me back on track.

Yeah, so. There's other stuff happening but I have typed entirely too much for one day.