Lay Me Down, On The Ground, Softly Softly

I am having a shit day. I have all this stuff that needs to get done but these walls keep springing up out of nowhere and preventing me from getting anything accomplished. I am sitting on the couch in the living room and keep getting whiffs of what smells like rancid milk, but is probably cat dumpings in the litter box all the way in the bathroom, because little Jyushy Poo has been having some intestinal grossness problems the last few days.

I haven't been this grossed out by a smell for such an extended period of time since Ashleigh left her opened, leaking carton of chocolate milk in my backseat, under the driver's seat, of my car in the summer for a few days. That was a pretty smell, let me assure you.

That's what it smells like in this house right now. No incense or spray smelly stuff or bathroom fan can even temper it.

I walked into the bathroom to take a pee last night and had already started before I noticed the cat glaring at my from his box. So I tried not to look at him, and pretend I didn't realize he was in there too, but the ungodly stench coming from his area of the bathroom was overpowering and I gagged and ran out of the bathroom with my pants around my knees (jd can attest to this) and flung my head out the balcony door and gasped for breatheable air.

It stinks like you won't believe. I don't know what he's been eating. I know I always TELL jd not to let him drink his cereal milk or leave dairy sitting on the dishes in the sink, not because I am cruel and want to torture the cat but because I know he CANNOT DIGEST IT, and stinky ass cat diarrhea is usually low on my list of "desirable outcomes" of feeding the cat.

Gross, gross gross. I'm so consumed with its' grossness right now that I've almost forgotten the rest of my irritating day. I've been hysterically crying for most of it. Running errands for the rest. I have to go to LA in the morning. Sigh.

Never Thought I'd Let A Rumor Ruin My Moonlight

I had some fucked up dreams this morning. And yesterday morning, for that matter. Today I was with Jenny and Ashleigh and sometimes Adrien Brody's character from the Village, and we were trying to escape from Captain Hook and we were stuck in a big house that was my old one in Newburgh but this time it was much bigger and had pirates and shit all over the place. And we ladies were hiding up in a top room somewhere and thought we weren't going to be discovered but then Cap'n himself came in and was leaning over this high balcony railing, so I picked up one of his feet and tried to throw him over, but he just floated over to the top of this replica of a ship in the yard. And he couldn't reach us but he was pissed so we had to get out of that house but we got halfway down through it but then couldnt' get out the front door because David Spade was in there, we could hear him on the phone, and so we had to jump over a balcony and go out a back door, and we needed to get to the basement of my house and the only way we could do that was by going through the neighbor's house, because the staircases to the basements were somehow connected. So we just walk into the house next to ours and it's not the same people who used to live there, it's this Asian family, and we ask if we can just use their stairs, and they say they have to fertilize the green apples first, and by this they mean the ungodly amount of apples of all kinds in bags along the stairs, and we don't really have time to wait for this but then I wake up

And yesterday's dream was way fuzzier, of course it is by today, but I remember waking up suddenly and sitting up in bed and being really freaked out about something happening in the bedroom and then falling back into it, over and over. It was a nice dream, though, whatever it was about.

I went to the gym again last night. Already, in having gone three or so times, my heart rate isn't reaching crazy heights and my overall times are getting better. Plus I notice in everyday shit that i can breathe more deeply and how your'e supposed to breathe instead of my usual shallow chest breathing bullshit. Cool. I really really love fancy pants elliptical trainers. Speaking of, I need to get my ass some flattering workout pants, instead of pajama pants. Hahahaha. Someone farted in the gym last night, and though I have a vague idea of which SoCal boy with armbands and constantly flexed muscles it was, I hate that I couldn't call him out on it because I wasn't sure. Etiquette note: Dont' fart in the gym when you're on a machine and there are rows of people on other machines behind you. It's rude and gross.

We are going to be able to pay our rent on Wednesday with a $6.62 margin of error. Isn't that exciting. Thankfully, with this grant I'll be on, I won't have to freak out about summer money for a couple years. That's just such horseshit. I'm still waiting for that RAship money that's tied up in the frozen account. And about $100 worth of copies and supplies I need to be reimbursed for. Goddammit, bureaucracy.

Also annoying is that I need a schedule confirmation with my name and my school's name on it with my fall classes to send to my bank for this student loan I'm taking out (to pay off the loan to my mom and the credit stuff, and then give us a better cushion between "paying all the bills" and "not eating this month," which I am not a fan of), but I went to get the printout from the registrar and they inform me that my fees aren't paid so I can't have it. My fees are supposed to get paid by the department, but they won't do that until I successfully file for residency, which I thought I had taken care of but had filled out the wrong form, and now for that I need proof of dates of establishment of things like my lease, license, registration, grocery store memberships, library cards, bank accounts and statements for the past year including when they were opened, etc. all to prove I'm living here not just to go to school but because I love it. So that's taking awhile to get all that tracked down. And That needs to be filed before I can get my fees paid, which are going to get paid by the grant, which has a lot of paperwork that is out of my hands that HASNT EVEN BEEN STARTED by the people in the business office in charge of that. So it's all cyclically dependent on each other and the bottom line is that I'll never get anything paid for or taken care of.

Jadles and I had a really nice dinner Saturday at the dining room table with candles and shit and it was awesome. Made me badly want to host a dinner party. My friends here are always up for shit like that, so next time we can afford groceries I might see about that.

The CA lotto reached 100 million earlier this week, so we went and bought a couple tickets. We didn't win the jackpot, but two of our three plays won at least a dollar, so we have $11 waiting for us at a gas station from that. Awesome. One of these days I'll win the mega jackpot. Just wait.

JD is starting an aikido class tonight that's every Monday and Wednesday evening for the next couple months. That's cool.

I liked Jenny's pictures of her apartment so much that I might just clean this shithole and then post MY apartment on MY fotoblog. It's changed a lot since we painted and got flowers and furniture and shit. Ya'll need to come visit! I'll pay for everything except your plane ticket. And even that is negotiable.

Ok, time to buckle down and drink some coffee and think about getting some work done.

LOVELS!

And She's Touching His Dick Chest, Now

I love:

*Drinking three cups of coffee in quick succession in lieu of eating breakfast or lunch because I am too lazy to fix myself something and

*that I got 2 new flavors of coffeemate creamer (the refrigerated kind!) last night at the grocery and I need an excuse to try them each, plus the old one

*that my friend B came up with a strategerous plan last night to get us out of going to LA today, which actually worked, and also that she called me back to tell me it worked and said, "oh, we have to go," and I bought it, and then she yelled, "JUST KIIIIIIDDDDDDING" in this total valley-girl voice (she's from the valley though so it's ok. She still gets her hair colored --she's not a natural blonde-- in the valley, which she admits with some chagrin) and I, point of story, didn't have to go to LA this morning.

*that instead of getting up early I slept in and have not bothered to get dressed, so I am, as is par for this week, sitting around in my undies (the cute ones that Ashleigh recommended!) and flip flops and am incredibly happy about this.

*that I am teaching Jadles how to play the flute at his request. he's an apt pupil.

*that I found out about a show that's in november in long beach (~ 20 minutes from here) on a haunted ship that's docked in the harbor (the queen mary) that has something to do with All Tomorrow's Parties (though I don't pretend to understand how it is or is affiliated with that) featuring Explosions in the Sky, The Flaming Lips, The Shins, and Black Heart Procession. Holy Shit I am so totally going to that show. courseork be damned! Who wants to fly out for it? Huh? Anyone?

*that my cat keeps jumping on top of this dresser we turned into a tv cabinet and then jumping down behind it, it's about 5 feet tall, and it's stuck in a corner of the bedroom Diagon Alley so's we can see it from the whole room, and there's this little triangle of space he jumps/falls down into and he can never get out.

*that Ready (sic) is soon to be a published auture. CONGRATS!!

*that I figured out what I want to do my dissertation about. Almost completely. And holy shit, it'll be a fun time. I love that I can utilize Jenny's artistic abilities and JD's music abilities to further my career and I'll take all the credit for the measures I am having them provide for me to validate. hahahahaha. I mean, you guys'll totally get thanked in the opening credits of my dissertation. I'm already thinking about making a movie instead of writing the whole thing out. I wonder if anyone would go for that.

*that I found this old email while cleaning out my IU account --that's right, I was bored-- and it's called "The Milk And Eggs Race" and if any of you also received this and remember what it is about, you will surely join me in laughing hyenically. Or I'll send you a photocopy of it.

*that JD said if Ashleigh (or anyone) moves out here, we'll buy them/you Disney passes as an incentive to move here. Also, you can live on our couch forever. We discussed this in depth and that's fine with us. Just buy some groceries and shit.

*that I went to the gym the other night and saw this massively large guy walking around in a sleeveless shirt, with an arband holding a mini iPod on his arm. the proportions of it looked so weird. Hahahah. I need to get me one of them armbands. That'll have to wait though, as all the credit cards are maxxxed out and we're broke for the next week and one day.

*that yesterday was our one year anniversary of this apartment

*that we found out that our apt. complex is now leasing this floor plan, which was leased to us as "one bedroom plus den" as a two bedroom, and that they start at $1615/month. Trust me, that is NOT what we are paying. I'm actually pretty pleased with how accomodating they were when we had to go re-sign that lease. I really like it here. This is a nice complex. Minus the thefts.

*that I randomly discovered this tv station last night while I was insomniacing on the couch in the living room that was showing My So Called Life. Fucking tits.

*that I saw two episodes of SeaLab I'd never seen before last night.

*that there is a Mono show in late September in both LA and San Diego. Hmmm.

*music in general.

*you guys. bunches.

On The Field I Remember, You Were Incredible

If I don't sit here and type until Kinko's opens in 15 minutes there is serious danger that I will not remain awake long enough to get there. I hate being awake. I hate morning, I hate super early morning, and though most days I would embrace being up this long before normal for me, I have to actually get up and go to LA tomorrow so I want to make sure I get plenty of sleep today. Why am I up right now? Because I have to go make copies of these stupid ass materials that I have that no one else has that I stupidly didn't think to just hand over to someone else to do yesterday. Also I completely didn't feel like making MORE copies yesterday. And then B called me and asked if she could come get the stuff last night but I felt bad when I should have done it already so I said I would bring it to them (two others are going to LA today) this morning at Starbux.

Hahahahaha.

The money I'm supposed to be getting, along with the reimbursement for all these copies, miscellaneous supplies, and other bullshit chipping away at my checking account that I am supposed to get is on hold indefinitely. As in, they froze the professor's account because she was trying to pay us all illegally on an expired account. Nice. So now I have to go make MORE color copies of this thing I have made PLENTY of color copies of because same professor has lost her copy. Which is totally fine and all, but man, I hate mornings.

And I hate it worse because I'm not going to drink coffee or anything or I'll be up for the day and that would totally suck balls. So I'm a bleary-eyed monster and will no doubt frighten my poor dressed-for-court friends when I go see them in a little bit. Oh and the guy who works this shift at Kinko's is a total unhelpful douchebag and I need him to put a binding on something, which means he is going to make me feel stupid for not knowing how to do it myself.

I wish I could go visit my boys at the copy store I usually frequent, but they, sensibly, don't open until 8. I will probably see them later on today when I have to go do more bitch errand work and pick up some faxes from there. Sigh.

At least I don't have to actually GO to LA today. It just feels like it. Suck face balls mtoherfucker.

Mocking Us With The Sight Of What We Might Have Known

How dare you say that I haven't been productive today. Why, in the span of a few hours I re-signed the lease (15 months, people, we're now locked in until December 1st, 2005) at a rate of about $30/month less than we were afeared, and then went and bought gym memberships that I've been meaning to do for a whole year and then in a minute I'm getting ready to call Sprint and change to that free and flexible plan bullshit, and save a bundle every month on not having all those wasted minutes. And then I'm going to get groceries and some random shit like cat litter we need at target and then I'm going to get all my work for tomorrow done and then I'll make tomorrow's to do list which has a bajillion errands I have to do, and then hopefully by the end of this week all the paperwork and bullshit and figuring shit out will all be taken care of.

I just sneezed all over the cat who is pitifully balanced on my lap like he's about to fall. Poor cat.

I decided that, on the one-year anniversary of our great california adventure (we left on August 23rd last year), I need to reappraise my bullshit feelings of disquietude. So I skimmed my blog archives for the past year, and once again they seem to hold all the answers. I don't hate it here at all. I hate that you guys aren't here too. If you all came out here and we all lived together in this apartment, I would be in heaven. This place is really quite nice. And it would be nicer if you would decide to move out here. But it's definitely not the cause of me being unhappy, only the scapegoat because it exists 2000 miles from the rest of you.

I'm going to start planning this Las Vegas trip. Those of you who are seriously thinking about coming along (you're all invited) can start asking questions or something.

I'm going to get my shit together, goddammit. NOW.

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

He's my numbah one DAD.

Servin' Up Snatch

I couldn't be more lazy if I were trying. It's really starting to make me feel crazy. But hey, maybe that's the best way to go, to bore myself with myself so incredibly that I get disgusted with my sloth and get the fire lit back under my ass. Because time is tick ticking away, my friends.

I have managed not to do shit in two whole months, a time longer than I ever dreamed I would have to be so lazy after I graduated. I have done only the most cursory of legwork for projects, manuscripts, personal growth attempts, etc. I am really pissing myself off.

But in the week since I've been back in Cali, I have been all over the place on what i want. Do I want to get married in secret to live on campus, do I want to rent a Uhaul and move home tomorrow, do I want to quit after the masters, do I want to stop resisting and throw myself completely into this career and this education so I can really make something of myself, or do I want to keep sucking and wasting time and daydreaming about bullshit.

Today I met Jadles for lunch and we went to In N Out. Mmmm. And my friend Kristin and her live in boyf were recently approved for a mortgage. Normally the word "mortgage" would make my insides go cold but I started thinkign about how she's a grad student, he works at a film developing store, and they can't make much more than the two of us. Plus I know she takes out student loans all the time to supplement because she feels strongly that they shouldn't have to give up travelling and doing things they like.

But they got approved for a mortgage. I don't even know that I know what that means, but she says now they're saving up for a down payment. And they expect to make an assload when they turn around and sell in a few years. and you know what, you WOULD make an assload selling a house in this place in a few years. Say, when you finish grad school.

So during lunch we got to talking about how we should buy a house. Hahahahaa. Let me paint you a picture. A 700 sq. ft. condo with one bedroom a half hour away from here is $230,000. 2 bedrooms start at $280,000. Plus there's the commute. Hmmm. Not really a good idea. Now, Jadles has a friend who lives in a house with his girlfriend and her brother and they want an apartment. I think the obvious solution is for them to give us their house, which we can make the mortgage payment on, and us to give them our apartment, which they can pay the outlandish rent on. Then we can live in a house in Irvine, in a nice fucking area (I drove by it on my way home to see if it's as nice as JD said; it totally is) and they can live out their apartment dream while everyone pays something they're happy with.

yeah, that's never going to happen.

But I have been looking at real estate online today only to realize that I don't know a goddamn thing about how you go about buying a house, nor do I especially want to learn. I have other shit to worry about right now. Like how we are going to pay rent in a couple weeks, for example. I am really quite worried. That's ok. It'll always work out.

I also have to research changing a cell phone contract and what computer is the best for my sister to buy. and do a LOT of paperwork. And figure out negotiation strategies for our lease resigning meeting tomorrow. Ugh, blah. Plus all my real work. Someone call me, I need a distraction.

Anything For You, Magical Fat Face Talking Pinata!

Have I mentioned on here a million times before how much I love SeaLab? Well, I do.

I mailed some comp cds to a few of you today. Unfortunately, my time machine is on the fritz so stacey's won't get there in time for her birthday. Crazy post office employee man had comments to make about all of your addresses. also, he had comments to make on my choice of stamp (R. Buckminster Fuller memorial stamp), the weights of the items I was mailing ("oh, this one weighs about an ounce more than the last. oh, this one weighs about an ounce more than THAT one!" Which doesn't make sense, since you all get a cd in a card with a playlist and they should, theoretically, weigh the exact same), where he was born in Kentuck, etc.

Then I swung by trader Jose's to get some groceries. and the cashier there, who was weird to start with, had no problem gazing directly at my chest until I noticed, at which point he says, "oh, chatta...huh, what's that your shirt says?" and i tell him and he goes, "hmm, interesting" never taking his eyes off my boobs. Then he puts the eggs on the bottom of the bag. And forgets to give me a receipt. And when I ask for it he makes a snide comment about how he wasn't trying to steal it for himself. But I know better.

I have a kicking party to attend tonight. Kicking in the sense that I have been promised alcohol. Wheee!

I have done so little work this week that in order to meet my deadlines that are all next week, I will be cramming a month's worth of summer activities into this weekend and the days immediately after it. That sucks. But, I haven't had to buckle down and git er done in a long time, so I can dig it. This is, you know, how I roll.

I can't stop listening to Explosions in The Sky. Fucking awesome band, gang. Also, I was out-loud wondering if I can be considered more "indie" or more "emo" because I

1. Like to invite JD to make fun of me whenever I see an opportunity for derision
2. Was thinking how funny it was that Stace met me and Ashleigh in Ear X-tacy but found us in the indie section and said loudly, "Oh jesus, you guys are so fucking predictable" to the amusement of all the cute indie boys also in the indie section.

So I was wondering aloud and JD informed me that I am neither, that I would have to be labelled, "Post Rock" if I were to align myself with any kind of definitive label as such. And I thought about it and he's right. But until he said that I didnt' know what the crap "post-rock" meant. But now we all know. It means me. I mean it. Me and post-rock=synonymous.

Yeah. Someone tell me a good "how many post-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb" joke in my comments section and I'll send you a dollar.

Remember Me As A Time Of Day

Two things making me extremely happy right now:

1. I just got an email from my friend entitled, "Party anyone?" that starts out, "Hi girls." There's something so cute and inclusive about having a little group of friends here that write emails inviting me to parties that start out, "hi girls." I can't really explain it.

2. I was driving home from campus this afternoon and a motorcycle cop passed me on the right, in between two lanes as they're prone to doing out here. And I noticed that he had a license plate frame that said, "Smile, I'm not behind you."

I laughed my ass off at this.

Swimming Through Sick Lullaby

Disregard previous post. Yeah, waaah, I miss my friends. Boo fucking hoo. It's time I found some goddamn strength in myself for once. I'm just being a baby, and being really selfish, and that's typical Me-ness but it grates on the nerves, doesn't it? Hmmm.

So things are fine. This is where I live. We were supposed to go re-sign the lease yesterday, at the obscene new increased rate that's $70 more/month than we're already breaking ourselves to pay. But I didn't feel like talking about the lease, or pointing out all the shit that's been stolen because of their shitty (crime-wise) landscaping and layout of the spots. I didn't feel like arguing with some dumb bitch about how bullshit their monopoly on this town is, and how much I wish we could afford to lve somewhere else.

Sometimes it flashes through my mind that going to the courthouse and secretly getting married, so we could live on campus for about one eightieth what we pay now, and not telling anyone, would be the best possible option. Sometimes it flashes through my mind that marriage and the prospect of it terrifies me and I'm never going through with it. Mostly I just waffle around in the middle.

Ugh. Accck.

So at 4 this morning JD woke me up. I thought it was strange that he was waking me up by walking into the bedroom instead of accidentally rolling over on top of me and cutting off my breathing or snoring so loud I woke up, so I was instantly alarmed. Plus he was kind of dressed.

He annnounces that the cops caught the guy who keeps breaking into his car. That he's just been outside talking to them, and this loser and his buddies were going to hit all the saturns in the lot. And that my back driver's side door was unlocked when JD went to check on it, but the only thing he could find missing is the mobile phone circa 1984 that I had in my glove box, that JD would take out at stoplights and pretend to be talking on to my great amusement, that weighs about ten pounds and looks ridiculous. They only took the fucking ancient-ass mobile phone? JD seemed annoyed that the bad guys were so neat with my car. Like, my stereo that I bought in fucking high school and would weep openly if ever it were stolen is still there, untouched. The Deery-Lou air freshener is still there, as is the Indiana Jones action figure, my photos of shirtless Nick licking an amp, of Keith taking a photo of himself in the mirror, a polaroid of me and jarrod, my parking permit, and all my cds, which are in one of those visor flap things above the passenger seat. So they ONLY took the comical phone that hasn't worked in a decade and no one would EVER buy from them.

I havent' been down there to check it out yet, I'll have to do that this afternoon, but I didnt' have anything valuable in there anyway, mostly because I've just been waiting for this.

But let me express my sheer delight in the fact that the cops fucking caught those assfaces. JD woke up suddenly around 3:30 and saw cop lights right outside, and went out to talk to them, and they were like, "they're arrested but we can't prove anything about all the other times they've been here" so jd tells them everything he knows about his car, about how we had to get it from cerritos, etc. And the cops think this is super interesting because the guys they arrested came down from a town right the fuck next to cerritos.

I hope they can link them to all this bullshit. Apparently they WERE using a shaved key, which is so fucking annoying because the idea that any retard can make a key that opens the door to EVERY saturn is really bothersome. I'm so pissed that they, like clockwork, have been trying this about every 30 days all fucking year. But I am in love with the cops for actually catching them in the middle of it. That must have taken a little bit of sneaky cop work to do. I love that these assfaces thought that by driving an hour south to over-priviledged orange county and robbing SATURNS that they would never be caught. Or, I'm assuming that's what they thought. Fuckers.

Anyway, neither of us ever fucking expected anyone to get caught. Just for our shit to keep slowly disappearing and no one to do anything about it. It's really fucking frustrating the first time it happens, but it gets exponentially worse when it happens FIVE TIMES in a span of as many months. This is the FIFTH time our shit has been stolen/broken into. I hate people. I hate people who steal directly from other people because they can. It's so much bullshit. They should steal from people with enough money not to care about having to replace the cd player every fucking month. But I guess those people don't drive saturns, and don't make such easy targets.

But that was good news. Strange that it all went down right the fuck in front of our apartment, where the two of us have been parking in the hopes that we would wake up and see something if it happens again. Whatever.

Them being arrested makes me happy but I don't feel any less like all my shit is up for grabs at all times. I want to hit something. Oh, and I got an email hinting that I am supposed to go to LA by myself sometime this week and work on the study. Fuck that. I really will hit something, and that something will be someone's FACE, if Ihave to go allllll by myself and do allllll the shit all by myself. Bullshit!

I Should Be Stronger Than Weeping Alone

Well, I'm sooooo glad I posted that blow-by-blow account of my visit home so that no one could read/comment on the damn thing. Except sisface.

I've been up since 5:30. That's like early morning your time. I had some work to do before this meeting I had this morning. I am the queen of wanting to be talked into things, I guess. I went and was actually well-prepared despite not having done anything resembling production while in the midwest, and every time I meet with her I get a nice condensed reminder of why I'm out here and why I want to be in school and that's about all I could ask for at this point, so I'm lucky.

That meeting aside, I am having something of a major existential crisis these days. We are in serious danger of not being able to both pay September's rent and buy enough food to eat at the same time. I have an eighth of a tank of gas that needs to last me until September 4th or so. I have a dying fuschia on the balcony and bird shit all over my car. The apartment needs to be cleaned. I've been promised some money but am not holding my breath until it's arrival. But none of these things are even registering on the freak out radar. Well, maybe that worrying about paying rent thing is a little bit.

But mostly, I am trying to remind myself why we are doing this. Why we are out here, in this place that doesn't fit quite right, with people that are nice and decent for the most part but not dear to either of us, with money problems and my perpetual desire to do only enough to skate by with top marks and not ever really apply myself in a devoted way to academics. I bet that last bit sounded retarded. But think about it, I picked a comparatively easy school (I think THINK that Cornell or Chicago would have been more challenging) and am doing comparatively little to apply myself but people are tripping all over themselves to congratulate me on doing well at this. It feels a little phony. I went to a big public undergrad university ---

wait, breaking news, my idiot neighbors (I am sitting typing this out on my balcony, I love wireless internet) are discussing this chihuahua's dumping schedule and habits. Here is what they are saying:

"God man this little fucking chihuahua shits like a horse and ive been living with him for like two days and he can't stop shitting himself and he just SHITS for reals dude, this dog, and the worst part is that it's SOFT shit and it just seeps into everything I own and you gotta understand it's hard cuz the other dog here and man, dude, and like are you fucking kidding me? And the dog's dookies are everywhere, man, there's shit everywhere, you should see the fucking bathroom, it's demolished..."

This may be picky, but I don't think he meant that the chihuahua's poop literally demolished the bathroom. But that's what he said.
_____

Anyway, so. I feel like I'm still managing to get by on as little effort as possible and it hasn't caught up to bite me in the ass yet so there's no reason for me to change it.

But I don't like doing that. I just do it because I can get away with it.

It's so pretty here and so temperate and mild and comfortable but I miss all of you and I miss the seasons and I don't know why I need a PhD anymore. And this is like another planet compared to the midwest. It's so easy to lose sight of the point of any of this. JD does it too, and i can imagine it would be hard to remind yourself why you're working 2 jobs that pay shit just to make ends meet and thinking about taking night classes or martial arts classes on top of that and life just piles up and I don't like that what I feel is right is also really hard

I'm trying to make the point that it's hard to be doing what I think I should when what I want is 2000 miles away and deceptively easy and could be in my grasp within a few hours. I'm trying to make the point that when I have to make decisions and the choice is between doing something difficult and doing something easier that will require less of me, I almost always choose the easy way out.

That probably speaks to my strength of character more tellingly than I would like, but it's the truth.

Why should I be out here for the next 4-5 years when 90% of what I love isn't here? I hate the way life post-college funnels us all into these isolated social sanctions, where you stop meeting people that are interesting and your life becomes a routine and nothing changes and you get bored and lonely and you are supposed to pick the one person you want to have in place to save you from your boredom and loneliness and the two of you are to go off together and carve out your niche in the world and be everything to each other.

It's just bullshit. Not to knock relationships or their obvious benefits, I wouldn't be out here if JD hadn't wanted to come along, I wouldn't be so far away if I hadnt' been trying to leave something behind, I wouldnt' be who I am if it werent' for the vast majority of you reading this.

But it's just bullshit that life is supposed to evolve in these prescribed ways. I don't see the point in finishing school anymore, I see the end of this year and the dangling carrot of a masters' degree like a bright light in the darkness and I don't know if I can let myself down like that but I can't remember why it would be letting myself down in the first place so I don't care. I'm fucking 22 for christs' sake. I dont' want to think about a wedding or a phd or a job market or a family. I don't want to get married because we've been together such a long time and everyone expects it or we feel like we owe each other something.

My heart is aching for you. Not since I moved here have I missed being there so much. And as my life gets ridiculously hard in the next two months, and forever on, so will yours. I want to move to chicago. I want to get my masters and find a cushy job in chicago doing some kind of research that has nothing to do with academia. I want to live in chicago and make frequent trips to see all of you. I want to win a life-altering amount of money, build a giant house, have you all come live in it, and let everyone I know do what they love and not what they have to in order to get by. I'm sick of all this bullshit making ends meet, doing what you have to crap. I know life is supposed to be hard and your heart is always supposed to be breaking for one thing or another, but I never believed it would actually be that way until now.

My heart is (figuratively, allegorically) breaking continuously and I don't know what I should do about it.

Why am I out here, why the fuck am I subjecting myself and JD to this? We could go rent a Uhaul today and be home in a few days. We're supposed to resign our lease today. I think that may be contributing a little to this knee-jerking panic. We would be in Chicago for a week before anyone detected our desertion.

I am having trouble breathing. I just can't see the point in being so far away and so far removed from your lives. It doesn't seem worth it anymore. The music scene out here is fucking dead. I was wrong to think I was doing JD a favor by picking this place. midstate new york would have been more indie-friendly. i've come up with all sorts of inventive little lies I could tell the faculty here. about my ailing relative who needs my help. about how i'm knocked up and only have six months to live. about how tired I get of my insides twisting up all the time and how sick I am of the knot in my throat. About the twenty minute conversation i overheard about chihuahua poop a little while ago. About the cars getting stolen. Anything. Anything seems preferable.

I just want to run away. I'm so sick of it being this hard to eke out a living here. I'm so sick of feeling always like I'm going to vomit.

And today, right before we go sign the stupid lease and before my stupid traneing grant kicks in and i become the property of the people who would like to push me into an academic career because the school will look better than if I don't go that way, today seems like the perfect time to just trash the whole last year of getting used to things and settling in and finding my way around and forging friendships with people and enjoying the weather.

Oh, except JD renewed our Disneyland annual passes while I was gone.
We're stuck after all.

Choking On Your Alibi

My top five favorite bands/groups/artists right now?

1. Damien Rice
2. RJD2
3. The Killers
4. Explosions in the Sky
5. Mono

Check them all out if you haven't already. Or, hit me up for a comp. We swung by Ear X-tacy on Friday the 13th and I remembered how nice and gratifying it is to actually be holding cd cases and looking at the packaging and owning the stupid thing out right. And knowing what order the tracks are supposed to go in, and not having that annoying corrupt file noise that you sometimes download along with your stolen music. Not mine, mind you. Yours. Your stolen music.

Yeah, I love music. I love that Ashleigh let us listen to nothing but Damien Rice all the way to Louisville and we both sang at the top of our lungs. I love when I go into a cd store and am just browsing and by chance I flip through a certain band's little divider and find that they have a cd out that I didn't know about. Thank you, Mono. God I'm so happy to have so much new shit to listen to.

Then yesterday Jadles realized he was extremely jealous of all my new music (especially the I Heart Ear X-tacy mug I got) so we went to Beste Buye and he got a Coheed & Cambria album (that, David Walsh, is the band you asked about at Hammerheads. I may have slurred my speech a little when I tried to tell you their name before), and a Dillinger Escape Plan one too. Nice. Oh and I cracked like a bitch and bought a Damien Rice B-Sides cd. Teehee.

I'm still missing two songs I desperately want from my Damien Rice catalogue: Eskimo, which I cannot find illicitly, and this Silent Night song that Ashleigh has on a cd that I gave her a long time ago that is awesome and I am kicking myself for giving to her. But not really, because I want her to be happy.

*********************

I went to the midwest a couple weeks ago. Yes, it was lovely. Yes, I had a smashing time. Yes, I am madly in love with all of you all over again. No, I don't know why I'm out here doing this either. But such is life. Err, Life is pain, princess.
Whatever.

This will sound really juvenile, but I am finally developing the capacity to be empathetic. And being around all of you reminded me in a very overt way that we're only given what we can handle. Not to wax totally ghey here or anything, but it made me tear up a couple times while I was home. Those of you who are still in college, stay there as long as you can. Real life isn't what you're expecting or hoping it'll be. It's worse. Get your sense of humor out and dust it off, stat.

**********************

So, highlights from my trip? I thought you'd be clamboring for them. You're so predictable. I can read you like a fricking book. In chronological order? Oh ho ho, you blindsided me.

1. Raedy picked me up from O'Hare. And we went to a restaurant with Mike and ate fried ravioli and an awesome sandwich. Their apartment is really neat.

2. I tried to get on a bus the next day, as per Raedy's instructions, to get to Union Station, but the bus never came. So Mike had to drive me downtown. Sorry Mike, and thanks a lot, that was awesome. There's nothing scary about the southside of Chicago. You can get your shit stolen anywhere you live.

3. I took a Metra train out to m'grandma's. And got snubbed by Doctor Auntie. Which was actually fine with me. I sat up late both nights I was there talking to my grandma about everything under the sun. We both got a little choked up at times. Like whenever we talked about my dad, or the burdens people have to shoulder, or her husband (he died when I was 3), etc. She gave me the recipe for the family tradition Irish Cake and made me watch her make it so I would know all the little tricks. She informed me that I am indeed Portugese, more so than anything else, and Irish and Welsh and Cherokee. That explains the hotness. hahahahahaha.

4. Went to see Spiderman 2 with my cousin Construction Elephant and Grandma. We all liked it exactly the same amount. And to think, I worried he wouldn't get the girl.

5. Rode back into the city on a Metra train and met Raedy at Union Station to hang out for a little while before my Amtrak train left for Ft. Wayne. Ended up sitting around for like 5 hours. Forced Raedy to eat irish cake. She almost had a seizure it was so delicious. Raedy left for Indianapolis and a friend's birthday party and I plunked myself in the Amtrak waiting area. And waited. And waited. And then the train was delayed indefinitely. And then this nun next to me starts making small talk. And then this crazy Jamaican woman on the other side of me starts shouting at the train and sneezing her head off. i offer her some sinus medication, and she tells me that it's not sinuses, it's a problem with her nose that's giving her a headache and making her sneeze. Hmmm, not sinuses? Whatever. But then she told me she would find me on the train if she needed me. And then we (me, her, the nun, and this other crazy lady) all complained about how bullshit the train delay was. And then two hours after it was supposed to leave they put us on it. Then about ten feet before my stop the train slows down and stops. We're not at a station, and I can see the conductor walking along the train with a flashlight, looking underneath for something. At this point I almost get out and walk to Waterloo.

6. I arrive in Waterloo shortly afterward and no one bothers to announce what station it is so I almost don't get off the train. Keith is still there and we go to the airport so I can pee (which I have been holding for about six hours because they forbade us to leave the waiting area in union station when they delayed the train, and there aren't bathrooms in the waiting area, plus it was so fucking crowded I never would've gotten my seat back, plus I couldn't bring myself to pee on the train. Nasssstay). At the airport I see his office and he shows me all the planes in the hangar. It was really weird to put a context with the idea of my friend being a flight instructor. Validated something about him for me.

7. Watched about a thousand movies while at K's, including Kill Bill Vol. 1, Scotland, PA (which I HIGHLY recommend), Matrix Revolutions, Bourne Supremacy, and a bunch of others. Took a lot of lazy-ass naps. Drank a lot of bomb-ass wine. No, I didn't pick it out, I don't know shit about shit when it somes to wine. I don't know shit-thing one.

8. Went flying. At night. He made me do all the things a flight student would have to do, like walk around and check shit to make sure it's not falling off. Taxied over to the runway and then he goes, "Ok, you're going to take us off." I about shit myself. But it turns out all you have to do is pull back on the throttle (?) and the plane goes up. I about shit myself. Then we flew around for awhile and he talked all professional to the air traffic people and I died laughing. Then he goes,"Ok, pull the nose up, I want to show you something." and there's this flicker of bastard-ness in his eyes as he says this, so I try to Not do it, but he makes me. When the nose goes up the engine stalls. The engine stalls. And this little alarm goes off and the plane corrects itself by nosing down really suddenly. So, I willfully put myself in a situation where the plane plummetted a couple hundred feet extremely fast because the engine had shut off. I about shit myself. I screamed like a little girl when it nosed down. It was the fucking coolest thing ever. It was fucking awesome to see K in his element, doing what he loves, being really good at it (I screamed but I was never actually scared for my life, which is an important distinction...I had total faith in his abilities as a pilot).

9. Taught K a thing or two about cooking a decent lizanga. Hahahaha.

11. Jenny and Levi came up on Wednesday to get me, in the morning. K shuffled some things so he didn't have to go to work as early as he thought, and the four of us hung out and ate at a Mexican restaurant. K and Levi immediately fell in love with each other. Silly boys and their crushes on each other.

12. Drove down to Bloomington with J and Lee. Slept in the car, zonked out on the couch upon arrival. I am a lazy girl.

13. Hung around there for a few days, J had lots of articles to work on, so I tried to help come up with ideas but mostly I sat around and watched adult swim and one time I made them dinner and I felt very domestic. I made another irish cake, with a slight dark chocolate tweak of the recipe, and it was awesome. As per my other posts while I was in Bton, I felt awfully like I should be out enjoying the Bloomington-ness of the place. Oh well. I picked J up from the education building one day and deliberately drove down the street that runs in front of Read to get there. My heart about stopped. I loved my sophomore year. Melissa, I liked living with you in the dorms a lot. I still miss meal points that allowed me to get a bagel and soup from starbucks in the dorm every fricking night. I miss bloomington a lot. I wish J had been 21 and not super busy while I was there. We did go to La Cha, though, so that was awesome. The same guys who have always worked there were there. I miss them. I miss that every time I order a Vegetarian G they write it down and then show me the notepad to make sure they wrote down a G and not a J by mistake.

14. I distracted J from work a lot by being so fun to hang out with. She eventually got about half of what she needed done, so that was ultimately ok.

15. I didn't sleep very well or very much in Bloomington. May have had to do with the accomodations. the world's most squeaky futon with the most uncomfortable mattress ever invented. I kept wanting to get up and go sit in the Arboretum in the middle of the night. In my jammies. That would have freaked out anyone walking by at 2am. I love Bloomington. It feels more like home than most places do. It feels like I left a giant chunk of me there and I am only allowed access to it if I go there. It's like I buried someone there and for the rest of my life I'll be making pilgrimages there.

16. Saturday we drove to Eville. Lee came too, and we were meeting mom and going out to dinner for mom and J's birthdays. It was a little tense, but ok. After dinner we had them open presents. Mom got Jenny about 78 individually wrapped things from Deals, which tried my usual generous patience because i had nothing to open. I suppose that's pretty childish, but I whined until J let me open a few of them. Hahahahaha. then she opened the ones from me and Levi, which we had secretly conspired about to make even more awesome, and she about shit herself. I got her an iPod, and stupid me didn't bother checking that it would work with her dinosaur of a computer. And no, of course it doesn't. So I also got her a USB 2.0 card, which I hope she installs soon so she can join the ranks of the incredibly devoted iPod fans. Levi got her a digital camera that is super fucking pimp. She about shit herself again.

17. Then Ashleigh came to get me and J and L went back to Bloomington and Ash and I went over to Toni's house where there was a swinging party in place. And I got to see everyone that I wouldn't get to see again while I was home, like Kyle and Toni and Chris and Melissa and other Chris and Dustin and Leo and Rob and Jamie. And Stacey brought Asheigh a Poison shirt to wear and A kept getting macked on by Leo, and I kept leaving the room and stranding her and pissing her off. And we played this weird boardless board game. And the bartender made a good Mai Tai but then I had to flush my margarita down the toilet because it tasted like someone had pissed in a beer and blended it with ice. I had a great time. I was glad to see everyone.

18. Then A and I left and went to her apartment, where I was staying, and it is ridiculously cute and nice. And there was a cute air mattress all made up for me in the 2nd bedroom and I love Ashleigh.

19. Sunday we hung out with my mom and I was being grilled about my impending wedding and my mom chided me again for expressing an interest in wearing a color other than black or harlot-red, and I realized 2006 is pretty soon.

20. Monday I hung out with Janet and her pseudo god-grand-children, these three-year-old twin screaming babies. She showed me this scrapbook she had made of our recent trip to Utah, with pictures Jadles' grandpa had taken, and captions she had made up. I was surprised to see a photo of me and JD with a caption that reads, "Liz and JD, engaged, July 2004!!!!!!!"

'Scuze me? We're not engaged. I told her this in a slight panic, as she intends to hand these scrapbooks out as Xmas presents to everyone she knows. She looked at me like I wasn't thinking clearly and then said firmly, "Well, you guys are engaged in my mind," to which I said, "Yeah it feels like we're married but we're NOT ENGAGED." She ignored this and patted my hand, which I'm sure was supposed to reassure me that Janet knows best, and if she says we're engaged we're engaged. then the twins started having a shrieking contest and I vowed never to have babies. Then I buckled one of the screaming monsters into the carseat successfully (those fucking things are tricky) and stood up only to find Janet hugging me and saying, "see, that's not too hard at all!" as though now I could go right ahead and give her some grandkids since I had successfully mastered the hardest part of childrearing. I about fainted.

I love Janet but I felt oddly attacked.

21. Hung out a lot with Mike and Ashleigh. Mike when Ash was at work, Ash when Mike was at work, both most of the time. had some really really really good talks. (actually, this trip was kind of defined by having really good talks with almost everyone I saw. I love you guys). Went to dinner with mom, Mike, and Ashleigh on my sister's birthday. Drew pictures of her on the tablecloth and sent them to her via camera phone. She thought we were sweet.

22. Wednesday Jenny was coming down in the evening because I twisted her arm and also she loves her sister and wanted to go out to Hammerheads, which I like the only bar I like in evansville, and the casino, which is something of a novelty until you've been there once. Or until you get to Vegas once, and then you'll never like it again. But anyway, she drove down by herself and she me and Ash proceeded to have an awesome fucking time. We ate at Los Bravos and drank a pitcher of strawberry margaritas straightaway, and then went to the boat and no one won any money and then we went to Hammerheads around midnight. And Jake Fuller was there, which made J happy, but a very bad ex-boyfriend of Ash's was there too, but she sat with her back to him and I could look over her shoulder at him and he barely took his eyes off her the whole night. Fuck that guy. he's a little trollop.

23. We werent' there very long before Mike and Dave appeared and I had run into Mike R earlier in the week and told him we'd be at hammerheads this day and time and Lo, they found us, and Dave had to work at 7am but proceeded to hang with us because it was such a special occasion. And man, I had a great time. We monopolized the jukebox and played every cool song on it, and tried to out-cool each other with our selections, and I called Chris too late and I feel like an asshole about that. And then Greg, Mike's roommate, showed up and came to say hi to Ashleigh and Jenny and I met him and he said Mike had been right behind him but M wasn't there for another half hour or so. But then he got there and everything was cool. He went to talk Greg and whoever and came back and says, "Liz, I don't want this to make you feel weird or anything, but I thought you'd want to know, that my friend Greg thinks you're gorgeous. He was like, 'THAT'S JD's girlfriend?!?' And then Brandon, that's the guy in the plaid shirt over there, agreed. So the consensus is that you're gorgeous. But don't DONT tell him I said anything, he would be so embarrassed."

And Jenny, Ashleigh, and Dave all puked all over themselves and told mike to stop inflating my already-dangerously large ego. hahahahahaha. That's the nicest compliment I've had in awhile, bitches. I can loll around in it for awhile if I feel like it.

24. Then after the bar shut down we went over to Mike's house, where we sat around on the porch with Greg, Brandon, and Greg's girlfriend Sally. Who is a 19 year old cheerleader. Greg juggled some oranges. We all did that thing where you try to crush an egg in the palm of your hand and you can't. We sat around trying to think of bands that contain the word, "head" in them because we were listening to Portishead and Greg said it was the best band that had the word "head" in the title. Ashleigh said Blonde Redhead, which was awesome. I said Motorhead and Greg about shit himself, because he had been trying to think of that one. Mike said later that when I said that it was as if Sally had just gotten up and left the room. hahahahahahahaha. Shameless. I'm fucking shameless.

25. We left after awhile and we girls went back to Ashleigh's and went to bed.

26. The next day Jenny and M went to lunch and A and I took showers (separate showers, pervs!) and discussed how we needed to go to the mall to buy me some undies since I had run out of clean ones (I checked the math on how many I would need for eleven days twice....but I was there for FIFTEEN days. I am retarded). Jenny left for Bloomington. Waaaah. I miss my sis. Hahahahaha. Mike called and wanted to come run errands with us. We were gearing up to drive to Louisville that night, the three of us, get a hotel and hang out with Stace. Unfortunately, it took us a ridiculously long time to get up and going that day. I think we woke up around 1:40. In the PM, my man.

27. Went, bought undies. verrrry cute, thanks to ash for turning me on to them. Went to Mike's so he could pack for Louisville. Called Stacey when we were about to leave (it was like 8pm) and she pointed out that she needed to go to bed about when we would get there. Felt stupid. Changed plans. Went to see The Village with M and Ash instead of driving to Louisville. M had to work on Friday, A didn't, so Ash would drive me in the morning.

28. M and A and I decided after the movie (which was very good) to go eat at Max and Erma's at the boat. We drove down the Lloyd and traffic all had to get in the far right lane and was backed up and a big mess. We get in the lane we need and we're just chilling with the windows down. Then this car drives slowly past us on the right-hand SHOULDER. The following exchange takes place:

Me (to the girl driving by us who is about two feet from my face, with her window rolled all the way down too): Are you retarded?
Her: No, we're trying to get to the gas station.
Ashleigh (yelling, from the backseat): Well, so are we!
Guy in other car (as they drive past): No, You're Retarded!

I didn't mean to say anything. I certainly didn't mean to say anything right to her face as she was looking right at me and I was most surprised by the fact that she wasn't mad or offended, just wanted me to know that they were trying to get to the gas station. We then watched them pull into the gas station and cut through it just like you're not supposed to do to avoid traffic. hahahahahah

29. Food was good. Mike came back to Ashleigh's and we sat around and then did a bunch of shots of vodka a grape juice and went to sleep. Woke up and left for Louisville. Said bye to Mike first. Listened to Damien Rice the whole way there. Ashleigh was brave on the bridge. Stace called on the way and was rightfully pissed at me. I'm not very good at time management. She'd gotten off work three hours early so she met us at Ear X-Tacy and then we ate giant burritos and ice cream from cold stone, which is my new favorite thing. And then they drove me to the airport and I said goodbye and that sucked.

30. Then I sat in Louisville's shitty airport for a long time and my plane to chicago was delayed and I honestly thought I would miss my connection and have to stay overnight in Chicago, which really wouldn't have been all that much of a tragedy. I nearly didn't get on the second plane. I don't know why, I just kind of sat there in the gate watching all the Orange County business people shoving in front of each other and the moms with their obvious plastic surgery and their stilettos and outside I could see Chicago and I felt strangely compelled to just sit there until the plane pulled away and then inform the gate attendant that I needed a different flight. Not that there would have been less of SoCal on the next plane, or the next, but I was sorely tempted. (You should have been weaker than sending me home).

31. The flight to the OC was uneventful. Freezing cold and I kept doing klutzy things that I hate when I do when I'm by myself, because people think you're insane. I dumped half of my drink on my self and almost tripped on the girl on the aisl when I got up to pee. And I think I went ahead and elbowed her in the face for her trouble anyway.

32. I'm back, and things are great. And I love this place and this apartment and my cat and my safe happy life. This was entirely too long and detailed a post. I miss you guys already. More on the day-to-day nothings in a bit. Happy early birthday Stace. Please don't hate me. I'm a shithead. I love you guys. I can't wait to see you in December. I'm counting down the days already.

I Need You So Much Closer

I feel a little better. Thanks Raedy. I'm at my mom's for a few minutes before I go hang out with JD's mom. My mom isn't here. I've had a really great time with all of you guys so far. Seriously ass-kicking. Thanks for entertaining me. The nervous shaking kind of stopped, I think that's because Eville tends to kill any kind of emotion or feelings anyone wants to have. I'm still a little rattled.

Asleigh's apartment is awesome, I am so glad I'm staying with her. Everyone's fabulous. I don't feel like posting anything worthwhile. Ash has a funny story that needs to go on her blog, though. Alright I'm gonna go. That's how I roll. Hahahaha.

Happy early birthday sis face

You And Me Are A Disease

I'm in Bloomington. Tomorrow sometime we're heading to Evansville. I feel strangely like I've wasted my time here. I love being in this town. I feel strange in general. I've been shaking and nervous and sleeping fitfully for a week. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Being here and seeing you guys is making me want to cut the shit, quit school, and get a 30 hr/week job that allows me to road trip my ass all over the state whenever I please and visit you whenever I want. This is such bullshit. Where's the lottery money? Fuck.

I do believe in fate sometimes. I believe in arbitrary things at arbitrary times, when they seem to suit my preferences. I don't want my life to be hard and make me feel this trapped. I dont' know what the fuck I want or what I'm doing. I'm losing it. This is a very inopportune time to start second-guessing my existence. I would be, honestly, just as happy if I worked making collages all day long and could read whatever I wanted in my free time. I'm losing sight of all the big pictures and I feel my throat closing up and I'm not going to sleep tonight. I didn't think I was running away from anything by going as far away as possible.

Compulsion, compulsion, compulsion.