There On The Timberline, Deep Cold November Shines Through

My Hips Don't Lie



And they're mad at the ab/adductor machines.

Mom The Excellent Photog Whips Out Her Patented "Fat Cam"

The Smell Of Burnt Cocaine

1. I had not been to this website in some time. I just visited the kittens section and I was laughing out loud, by myself, until I was crying. Then I almost peed my pants and had to run to the bathroom. May I suggest it if you are feeling a weensie bit stressed out or cranky? They have horsies, kitties, bunnies and probably turtles, fear not.

2. I made two comp cds this weekend. Am taking requests. Get 'em while they're hott.

Your Data Was Excluded If You Did Not Answer Questions or If You Had Not Actually Seen The Movie



60% Female, 40% Male
























10% were less than 20 Years old, 30% were 20-24, 50% were 25-29, and 10% were 30-34.





























If you were forced to pick, 10% of you would pick horsies, 40% would choose kitties, 40% would choose baby humans, and 10% would choose turtles.





























The most important cinematic element of a film was character development for 20% of you, the emotional content of the storyline for 30% of you, convincing acting for 10% of you, the musical score for 10% of you, and for 30% of you, the most important thing was none of these items (you selected "other"). None of you said that the systematic advancement of the plot, the attractiveness of the actors, or the ultimate happiness of the ending were the most important thing to you. Examples of things that were important to those of you who selected the "other" response are: "I like and dislike things for very strange reasons," "Something that makes me sound smart to my work friends," and "A well balanced orchestration of many sometime elusively fine subtleties."




















The best thing about Brokeback Mountain to 40% of you was the enduring nature of the bond between the two main characters; 10% of you appreciated the way that Ennis's wife protected him; 20% liked the expansion from a short story; 20% liked the cinematography; and 10% of you suggested that a combination of the bond between Jack and Ennis AND the fact that you see that girl from the Princess Diaries' boobs was the best thing. Interestingly, no one chose Anne's boobies (as a stand-alone item), the classicness of the love story, or the soundtrack as the best part about it.























The worst thing about the movie for 30% of you was that Jack and Ennis could never be together; 30% of you regretted that the movie excluded dialogue like, "gun's going off," and another 30% voted for the desperation inherent in being gay in the 1960s. 10% said that anne hathaway's boobies were the worst part of the movie. No one was particularly bothered by the fact that the cowboys hurt their families to be together, that michelle williams wore that hideous wedding dress, that jack's beer gut looked totally fake, or that blue collar comedians have bastardized phrases like, "i wish I could quit you."






















A whopping 80% of you like sad movies because they are sad, while 20% of you dislike sad movies, because they're sad.





















Half of you liked this movie a lot right away, while 20% of you felt somewhat Blah about it in general. 30% grew to like it more after being haunted by it for a period of approximately one week. No one thought Crash deserved the oscar. Though that was a trickily worded question on my part, sorry.





















To you guys, the most powerful thing about this movie was that Jack and Ennis should have tried harder to be together (20%), that situational constraints on their relationship prevented them from ever being together (30%), that they hurt other people in their lives with their need for each other (10%), that they couldn't "quit" each other (30%), and that one person can be willing to explore love and the other can't or won't (10%).




















Now, most interestingly, I'd like to share some of your ANONYMOUS open-ended responses. The question was what specifically about the movie resonated with you. These are in no order. If I thought it was obvious who wrote it I edited some things out.



"All of the gay sex. Kidding. I thought the main characters having to sneak around and not be "out" to everyone was so sad. And I think it's even more sad that in some places people still have to do that. It might have been set in 1964 or something, but in narrow minded towns across America it's still going on. So maybe the narrow-mindedness of society resonated with me? It's not like I personally have to be hush hush about my life, but I'm greatly saddened that some people do."

"The cowpokes (haha) were selfish pricks (haha) who did not care about other people. The guilt was touching... muy Catholic."

"It was really well shot... that was about it"

"well, number one, the couple in love are gay, which aside from the obvious weight of being forbidden, carries with it the fact that all of the fucking they could comprehend would never amount to a baby. a plus or minus? maybe both. subtlety. yeah. also, the enlightenment following loss theme hit me somewhere deep. not that every story, or any story really, needs to draw to a lesson, but for me this one did. probably a bit of projecting on my part, but then, how good is a story if it remains completely self contained?"

"the short story made me see it"

"I loved the story. I thought it was a novel idea. I read Annie Proulx's storie before I saw it, and was surprised that I actually liked the movie just as much. I think the specificity of the characters actually made it universal. Another criteria I have for movies which I consider truly great is that they must get bigger in my mind as time goes on, and it definitely has."

"I totally loved the fact that the movie told a sad story about two doomed lovers who would never be able to be together, but who couldn't stop themselves from wanting whatever they could get from the other person."

"cowboys"

"I really enjoyed that Brokeback Mountain was a normal movie about two people in love and how it concentrated more on the fact that this was who these men were and these were their struggles as opposed to concentrating on the fact that they were gay. The movie focused more on the gentle moments that two people in love share and allowed the characters to be normal people with their own struggles instead of letting the secondary characteristic of them being gay overshadow what is essentially a true and honest love story."

"I loved the fact that they were gay. We seriously needed a movie like that to be made because it's like "WAKE UP. GAYS ARE PEOPLE TOO." and I hate the fact that gay people get discriminated against. I really think we need some eye openers that make people realize gay marriage and being gay is NOT all about the sex! No matter what, there will always be marriages about sex and money and then marriages about actual love. Gender doesn't matter and should never matter."



********
Thanks, guys. I have enough ammo now, I think. Comments?

Put Cher Stuntin' Shades On

Real, actual conversation that JD and I had on the way back from the gym today:

Me, as some fucktard cuts me off: TURD BURGLER!
Me, pretending to talk for the other driver: Oh hey, nice to meet you, I'm a giant turd burgler, and I was just wondering whether you have any turds you'd like to have burgled. Because that's what I do, I burgle turds for a living, and...
JD: I sell them to my friend the Turd Monger.
Me: Yes, I, the turd burgler, take said turds and sell them to my friend the turd monger, but on second thought, why not cut out the middle man and monger the burgled turds myself?
JD: I'm the turd burgle-monger!
Me: this is so going on my blog.


Results from that survey soon. Did some of you not see that it had two pages? I'm throwing out people who didn't get past liking bunnies/kitties/horsies. I am indeed posting pie charts, or whatever graphic I deem most clearly demonstrative of the findings.

Flying Always Over The Mountain



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEITH!

You're an old, old man now. With old-man problems. I'm sending you a vat of Metamucil and a cat turd wrapped in foil.

**********************************************************

In other news. Could you all please complete this survey I made because I am a giant dork, and also because I want some hard data in my corner because I am drafting an argument to have with someone about the movie Brokeback Mountain? If you've seen it and you have any kind of opinion on it whatsoever I would appreciate it. And no, I don't want comments about how poorly designed or inconclusive you think the survey itself is.

But yeah. It seems like everyone I've talked to about the movie has liked/disliked it for a completely unique reason, so I just wondered what you guys all thought. This is a much easier way of asking you. Please and thanks in advance. Hahahahaha.

A Handsome Man and His Glamourous Female Companion Tuck In To A Full Scottish Breakfast

(Real, actual photo caption in one of the thousand pamphlets we have lying around. It made me choke on my own spit from laughing unexpectedly).

I finally did my taxes. I was putting them off because I knew I would owe and then I did them and was told by the software that I owed about $900. No. I did some simple subtraction that I had overlooked and suddenly I was being given a refund from the feds and owed the state about twenty dollars less than my refund. Subtract the software filing fee and I'm left with a pretty little lump sum of $11. Profit. Oh yes.

My friend Kristin was in my face all weekend. Not really. But she and B are planning a real honest-to-goodness bridal shower for me sometime in early May and she is nothing if not by-the-book when it comes to these things. Oh and I detect the slightest hint of non-altruism in this shower because she will have one coming in about six months. For none of you guys being married off yet, I have had quite the disproportionate involvment in throwing bridal showers. Well, at least I will be good at it by the time your Special Days roll around.

JD is trying right now to make vegan shortbread. Ha, yeah right. I mean, good luck with that, pumpkin. Needless to say, we spent all weekend mired in Planning. I picked up my dress yesterday and despite the bad luck it supposedly brings, made him look at it so that he can see that when they/I say it is "light gold" in color it is not, actually, yellow or metallic in any way, and would better be described as an ivory or champagne color. Whatever. And today we have been immersed in the details. For the, like, two of you who read this who are coming, there will be directions and maps and vegetarian eating recommendations and whatnot coming to you soonish. Anyway. I am getting a little bit manic about all of this. And at the same time my throat closes up just a bit thinking about it. That's a nice balance.

Mmmm! This Crow Tastes Delicious!

I just went into the ladies bathroom here on the 4th floor of my office building (you know, the one that smells variously like chicken soup or tuna?), to procure a (MENFOLK STOP READING! VAGINA ALERT!) tam-pon. I put $.50 in the thing and then jiggled the ridiculous handle to no avail. It clearly is not set up to dispense products, this thing makes no sense. It is not a normal one where you put change in and turn the crank. It has a knob like an olde-fashioned cigarette machine.

Anyway, I didn't get my tam-pon. So, because this is what you do when you are either desperate or in one of those stupid Tampax commercials, I stuck my fool hand up in the dispensing slot to see what I could grab.

I had a moment where my hand was in up to my wrist where I questioned what in the hell I was doing (I had more quarters in my office, for god's sake) and I almost panicked, but we all know that panicking while your hand is stuffed up a metal box is a surefire way to lose your hand. So I kept my cool.

I felt something under my fingers, so I pawed at it until it dropped down into the dispensing slot and I retracted my hand. And it was a maxi-pad.

We all know how I feel about maxi-pads right now, don't we? I hate their existence. Especially when stuck to my furniture. But like I said, I was desperate. So I am now, unhappily but also smugly (since I now know that I can wrench these things out of there anytime I want) sitting in my tower with a big girl diaper on, hoping that no impromptu pool parties or super soaker fights break out in my office.

Le Sigh.

It Is A Priv-i-ledge To Fight

oops.

Vinyasa

Yeah, I went dress shopping and tried on The Dress. I liked the dress I already had, obviously, but that was because I hadn't tried on this dress that was basically the exact opposite of what I decided I wanted but was so fucking pretty and flattering that I almost died. Well, I may have almost died because the corset was laced so thoroughly. So I was trying dresses on that would amuse me and appease my ladifriends. But that one shocked all of us. It really was incredible. So I bought it. Since it's a sample I can get it on Wednesday. I don't know what I was thinking, since I already had a very pretty dress that was going to pack up real easy and small. This one will definitely not pack up so small. But it looks a bit more like something you should wear if you're getting married in a castle, doesn't it? Oh what the fuck ever.

I was in a supremely foul mood yesterday, and we tried to renegotiate our lease (we did it with great success the last time we resigned) only to meet with a choice of 11 or 12 months ONLY and a lowered price of $15. I almost cried. I was so pissed I couldn't look at the leasing guy for fear I would start screaming and then hysterically crying. That is a $90 increase over what we're already killing ourselves to pay. I basically threatened to break the lease as soon as we can find out about living on campus as marrieds and probably sounded a lot like a six year old. Oh and I am pretty sure I was very PMSing yesterday too, so hopefully I am not just that imbalanced about life in general, or about the inevitable ass-fucking we're getting from the company that has a monopoly on this county, or about the poor leasing guy who was trying to be nice but was really just agitating me with his ridiculous counteroffers.

Sigh. That's not good. I'm going to send in an application for campus housing, but they're switching to some new system over the summer so I am not optimistic about getting any kind of offer before next winter. We are going to be very, very poor. I hate southern california sometimes. I know rent is super high in most places worth living in these days, but jesus H. christ. They're literally forcing us out of our complex because we cannot afford another $100 hike every year. Fuck. That.

Anyway. I'm getting furious just thinking about it again. So nevermind that.

This is going to be a very quick quarter. It's already flying by. Shit!

Whoops.

Dammit, that is what I get for looking so fucking awesome in a corset strapless dress.

No, YES, We Have To

I have been a lousy blogger and an absentee Sister and Friend to All. My sincerest apologies. But I have been busy and that makes for good bloggering. Am I right?
Our fucking party was fantastic. I love you guys. Tons. Everything was pretty and perfect and delicious and totally fucking awesome. I am still raving about the cake. I am still raving about the sheer niceness of Ashleigh and Jim's house, and their insane hospitality. Fuck. You guys are all completely awesome, and I wasn't even letting myself think about how much I missed you since I hadn't seen very many of you in so long, and I'm thrilled that I got to and I'm thrilled that I'll see you all again in a few months. More marriages need to happen to facilitate return trips to Evansville. hahahaha. Stace, get on that.

So. Things are back to "normal" around here. I mean that in so many ways it's going to blow your minds:

1. The quarter started. I don't have "class" per SE, but I do have shitloads of things that must be done before the end of the quarter (that's nine weeks, yo) so that I can leave the country and so I can study to the exclusion of all other things until Ashleigh's wedding. Man, that two months is going to suck balls. anyway, though, I am writing in my tower today and meeting with slaves and it is kind of really good to be back here (I haven't come to my office in weeks).

2. The roommate moved her shit out of my house last night. Oh, Fuck. The amount of trash she left behind was just incredible, but I took it as a personal challenge to clean the whole of her living space within an inch of its life and reclaim it as useable space. Among the gross things she left behind were, believe it or not, several maxi-pads. Not all of them were unused, shall we say. And a very interesting glass vase that was stuffed to the brim with what I can only guess were dirty panties, used kleenex, and scraps of paper. I briefly considered salvaging the vase, but I ended up not being able to bring myself to do that. Into the trash went the dirty panties vase. Anyway. I rearranged some furniture and I am fucking ecstatic that her stuff is out. I don't even dislike her, I just can't stand her clutter. Nor do I understand the abundance of maxi-pads.

3. We ran a thousand wedding-related errands yesterday such that I now think everything that can be done has been done. Sorry for the delay on the itinerary, sister, but please stop threatening to not come to my wedding. That hurts me right here. I'm pointing to my heart. And frowning. Maybe winking at you too. But still, my heart. But anyway we got out passports applied for (you'll be thrilled to know that i took a characteristically horrific photo in which my hair looks like a rodent that is attacking the side of my face), the stupid fucking invitations taken care of, and the majority of the visa paperwork done.

4. I have lied to my friends here about my wedding dress (I told them I didn't have one yet so that I could go shopping with them...my friend Kristin is getting hitched in December and I want to have that whole girly try on party thing where we cry and barf or whatever you do. So we're doing that on Saturday. I think it will be crazy madness. A Saturday in April? Yeah bridecity. But it's going to be girly, and I'm excited about that.

5. And this one's a doozy. When I got back from Evansville I talked to Keith. And I went to visit him. That's where I was last week, if you called and were annoyed that I didn't get back to you. Everything's fine. I'm incredibly happy about that. It's a long story, though, so you will have to call me for details. If you want them, I mean. You are not all required to call me. Duh.

In short, my life is great as usual. But it's a bit greater since I saw all you guys, and patched it up with K, and have my apartment back. Lovels.