Mocking Us With The Sight Of What We Might Have Known

I have taken to sitting around in smelly dirty gym clothes for hours after I get back before showering. I don't know why I am doing this. I have started doing this thing at the gym where I set a goal of a certain number of miles to run in a given week, and then I allow my lazy self to split that number up however I please among the days I go work out. This is effective because it allows me to puss out on days that I would rather gnaw my own arm off than go to the gym, but what has happened is that I am a total lazeface the first half of the week and then I am doing a ridiculous amount of exercise (in my opinion...I know some of you reading this do things like "run triathlons" and "train" and "are in shape" so I don't want to hear scoffing, even under your breaths) toward the end of the week to reach my goal. And it's the end of the week, and I am feeling it in muscles I didn't know I had (or more honestly, had forgotten about since high school). Ooof.

But, I think this strategy works for me. I wanted to ease back into things (I took like a whole month off from exercise when I was super stressed out this quarter, probably the most idiotic thing I could have cut out) and I know I won't get much chance to do anything physical while I'm in the midwest, she said generously, so I'm teaching myself that when I get back I can do this and it can be fine to do always. yippee, I know.

Also, I have re-developed an obsession with candles. Blath an Blody Wlorks is having a sale and they have some fucking great ass candles at that store, they burn for 100 hours! And my favorite candle is this one that smells like earl grey tea that ashleigh got me for my birthday. I am continually lighting candles. I am continually staring mindlessly at flames.

I have also recently finished a book that was awesome. I have slacked off entirely on my school responsibilities, I have slept in for the last few mornings, I have not deigned to cook anything since I got paid yesterday and one of my advisors is insisting on giving me money that I don't need but am happily taking to supplement my already adequate salary. Considering my rent has suddenly divided itself in three, as have all the bills, I am doing much better now, thank you.

JD and I have big plans to go places in the nearish future. I think we're going up to San Fran to visit his friends in July sometime, and then he's going to Boston in August for a convention, and I might go too but I doubt it, I'd be bored. We want to go either to Disneyworld or New Orleans in December, and I think my friend Kristin might get married in Hawaii in the near future and I'd definitely be there for that. So that's exciting. Now that everyone has extra money, we're going to start saving some of it in a travel fund and go wherever the fuck we want when we can. Yay.

I have fallen totally in love with This. If you haven't been using it, I recommend it. Since friends of friends of friends of mine and Jenny's and all of their friends and your friends and now, everyone reading this blog can anonymously access it, it is really hard to figure out who posted anything and it's really entertaining to read. The log in is: remorselessbitch and the password is: remorseless. Go to town.

And more importantly:

Stacey-- Thank you, I will be around this weekend and anytime on Monday. Tonight I have plans to go see a concert, but if you want to call me tomorrow I would love it. Or, I can call you. Whatev.

Melissa-- Thank you, I was mostly talking about you in conjunction with a couple other people. I can't wait to see you. I will call you once I get into Evansville and you can tell me what your week looks like.

Jenny-- We may have a slight problem with our brilliant plan. But, if M is willing to drive you up and back, couldn't he just come see you in bton in the first place? We can work it out.

Raedy-- Thank you, I totally love you. I hope you have an awesome time on your trip to FL. When do you get back?

I Totally love you guys, but you totally already knew that.

Summer Is Only When I'm With You

1. But Mina, I'm not un-engaged!

I have been a little, teensy bit stressed out lately. Like, this whole past month, and then really if you think hard about it, the last year. And then. why not throw in the first year here, and then also I guess my last year of college for good measure. But through all of that, I want to think that instead of becoming more and more lame as the good parts of me get frittered away to make way for the productive parts, I have cleverly secreted away enough of what I ever liked about myself to preserve it indefinitely where the stress and bullshit of everyday life couldn't touch it.

But I'm looking for it lately and I'm not quite sure I still have it. Whoops!

I know questioning the purpose of your life is normal in science. I know that, academically, everything I go through is played out ad infinitum in all graduate students' minds, ever. You are supposed to feel like you're wasting your life. Or possibly wasting your life. Or maybe you should think hard about whether you may be wasting your life.

This, however, is getting unbearable. School is fine. School is great now that I can breathe in and not convulse when my eyes happen to fall on a calendar and see the diminishing number of not-crossed-off days between me and whatever horrific deadline was impending. What I am struggling with now, lamely enough, is my personal life and relationships.

I love my friends here. I love all of you guys there. I love my roommates and I love my family. I love my cat. I love what I'm doing with my life and I can't wait to see you guys. What is scaring me, though, is that I am failing miserably at many of these relationships with you and I'm not totally sure why.

2. Stacey, I'm sorry that I pissed you off on myspace. I'm sorry that I can't write a contrite apology, and I'm sorry that I never seem to be able to say what you need me to say to make things better between us. I don't know what to do to help myself. It seems like, literally, every time I am about to come home I inadverdently do something to annoy you, and then we don't see each other much while I'm home, and then when we get past it you're upset with me for not seeing you mroe while I was home. And it just keeps repeating. I don't know what to do, or even what I should do. I don't want you to be angry or upset with me, I just don't know how to fix it. All I know is that it seems to be completely up to me, but I don't know what you want me to do and I always manage to take things too lightly or too seriously and ruin it all. Please talk to me.

3. Jenny, I am really sorry that I told you it was silly to think you had that disease that article was describing about self-doubt. I know it offended you but my self-esteem is just so impervious to any kind of threat that I assume other people's is too, and because I know you're awesome I assume you know that too. You're a fantastic creative non-fiction writer (hahahahaha) and I'll max out my credit cards to go to Boston with you if you want me to. I know you have more or less gotten over my insensitivity about that, but while I'm at this, I thought you should know I still feel like an ass about that.

4. I have this bad habit of not keeping up with you guys. I mean, i read your blogs and consider that informative enough and we're all busy so it's easy to excuse it mentally, but it's ridiculous. I know proximity helps those kinds of things, but I love seeing all of you when I do come home and I hate that it's slightly weird, even if only for a little while, because it's like we're strangers but we used to know each other really well and I just wish that weirdness wouldn't have to be there. But I know that I'm going to be in town and I'll be staying with ashleigh if possible (July 2-8th, if your'e interested; the rest of the time i'll be in bloomington or chicago) and I have your cell phone numbers but I will probably sit around thinking about how I feel weird calling you and then not call and then not see you except if everyone gets together one time or something. I don't really know what I'm scared of, I just feel so far removed from your lives and I don't get the inside jokes anymore and I don't live near you and I can't drive up to see you on the weekends if we want and I miss you guys a fucking lot, but there's something paralyzing about the two thousand miles that makes it hard for me to do anything BUT miss you. So to all of you, in general, I am sorry I am such a shitty friend.

5. In my defense, however weakly, I have been a bit more frazzled than usual for the last 9 months. I've also had some major life event-type things happen and unhappen and rearrange and the bottom's dropped out of a lot of things and I've lost control and any piddling respectability I'd accumulated in the past few years, I realize I've lost all my cred, indie and otherwise, and I'm really ok with that I just don't want to be the crazy, unbalanced person you know who moved far away and you haven't heard from since.

6. I just need a break. Best possible thing, I think is that I'll be in Bloomington with my sister in a week. Nothing pressing to do, nowhere to be, no work to be doing. I just need to get away from the people I like here who I am furious with lately and I need to go someplace where everyone is not a towering supermodel and infinitely rich. I need to see people who are comforting and familiar and low-maintenance and I know that's you guys, but I'm so scared that I've become so self-absorbed (out of necessity and self-preservation, I would argue) in the last year that what I'm counting on to even me out won't even be there. And that's what I deserve for letting all my relationships go to seed. But right now it sucks. I'm only apparently capable of maintaining two or three close friendships at a time. I just don't have the capacity to manage my life the way I want to. And I'm sorry about that.

7. And I'm sorry if you ever felt personally attacked or let down or insulted or embarrassed by me recently. Trust me, you are not the only one if you have. I have hurt more people more thoroughly than I ever thought possible just by getting careless with the things I was saying. My brain gets full and I cant' regulate the words and I don't mean to hurt you, I just do.

8. I'm not sure how to make things better. But I'm sorry I made them so bad in the first place. I really miss you guys, everyone who's reading this, and I hope I get to see you sometime soon.

Why Do I Assume These Things Are Bad! Bad! Rundown, Rundown!

I had an extremely involved dream this morning in which I was a contestant on Amerikaa'z Next Topp Modele and I was competing in these idiotic, not even sort of related to modeling contests. I had to take a taxi (in Japan) from one hotel to another across the street but I had to tell them to drop me off at a secret entrance and I couldn't get there and the taxi driver was helping me as much as he could but we just couldn't find the secret door, I kept ending up at the main lobby entrance and I was sure I would be eliminated.

And then later I was participating in a really weird hat-making contest, where people were making hats out of shiskabobbed tissue paper and mine was really stylish.

Then I woke up and it was noon. Whoa!

I am currently embroiled in a snarky little battle of wills with the other girls invovled in one of my studees for which I collect dater in LA. We all do not want to go tomorrow, but we are reverse bickering because someone HAS to go meet this ug from unisocali and take materials to her and we are all volunteering ourselves through gritted teeth. and goddammit, it will end up being me, I can gua-ran-tee it. That's fine. I just hate HATE driving there by myself. And considering I told people LAST WEDNESDAY that they needed to take supplies for this girl on thursday, and they didn't listen, I am super pissed that I might have to go, because in my opinion this is not my mess to clean up. But I only have meetings scheduled tomorrow, I am not working on a draft that needs to be turned in or having lab meeting, just normal meetings. Damn damn damn.

Boooooooo. Nothing's turning up millhouse. Serves me right.

It's Up To The Trees With The Firestorm

You can all start thanking your lucky stars that I didn't feel like walking in my panties from my bed to the living room, where my laptop was located, last night to get it when I was up all night sick and bored off my ass. I seriously considered it, people, and I was just bored enough to do things like fabricate fake myspace accounts and upload pictures of bottoms.

Stacey, I think you should know it's not just me who you're hurting by changing your password, but also Jenny, and Ashleigh, and everyone else I gave the password to who won't create their own account and just want to log in from time to time. Boo, you're totally humor impaired. I know the butt comments thing was funny because (1) I laughed until I cried as I was doing it (2) I showed JD and asked him for help thinking up different ways to spell farts, and he laughed until he cried (3) When I saw the finalized version I laughed again until I cried (4) JD told his work friends and they laughed until they cried. And everyone said how nice your butt is, in that photo and otherwise, so everyone wins.

Just my two cents.

I am a little unsteady this morning. I had my last Official Responsibility as a Seccind Yr last night, which was a "party" that I did not think was going to be fun. Instead, it was totally fun, and as my friend Kris tin progressed through her one beer, she divulged all sorts of information that I had never expected to have come out of her mouth, like how she was kind of a skank in college and then she proceeded to lecture this firrrst yr sitting next to her about how their whole group needs to respect the older groups and try to befriend them or it's really going to hurt them in the long run. Yikes.

I spent most of the night talking to Os Kar, and if I haven't explained him, he's from Pwerto Reeco and he thinks he is kind of a pimp. Or so I've always assumed. Until I hung out with him just before my talk a few weeks ago and realized he's pretty cool. So he and I were determined not to talk about school or work, so instead we talked about music (I tried to explain the concept of "indie cred" to him and he justifiably made fun of me for the rest of the night), about movies, and then as he plowed through several bottles of red wine (I was at this point drinking diet coke) I started being shocked at what came out of his mouth as well as Kris tin's.

At one point, Os Kar divulged that he was married for three weeks and was actually going through the divorce when he started school here. Then Kris tin tried to top his story about his bitch ex-wife taking his tv to miami by saying how her bitch ex husband took everything and left her in bad debt. What Kris tin always fails to mention when she uses that as a trump card is that she left him for the guy she is now with, and she snuck around with her now-boyf the whole time she was married, AND knew before she even went through with the wedding that she wanted to be with this guy instead. But still went through with the wedding, and was actually very calculating about how she would eventually leave him (i.e., getting a new cat so that cat could be her husband's favorite so she could be assured of keeping the one they already had that she was attached to when they split up). Anyway, Kris tin makes me laugh.

Os Kar also makes me laugh. He was informing me how hot he is, and I was kind of gaping at him, confusedly (not that he's not hot, I was just appalled to hear someone in this context fishing so blatantly for compliments), and he reached over and touched the corner of my mouth and said, "Oh, I thought you might be drooling." I laughed so hard that I didn't realize the entire room had stopped talking to see if they could figure out why I was laughing, and therefore didn't realize it had quieted down when I yelled, "Why don't you go back to Co Sta Rica and open a taco stand" in response. Now, if Os Kar hadn't laughed harder than anyone (he's not from co sta rica, we had been making jokes about how people ask him to teach them to speak mexican and ask him where in mexico puerto rico is located, and then irony of ironies, kris tin leans over and asks him what kinds of food is traditionally eaten in puerto rico and I almost peed myself) I would have felt really bad, but he explained through snorting laughter that I was making reference to other jokes we were making. And thus absolved me of having made a giant ass of myself in front of all these people.

He's crazy. Also, there's this firrst yr named Will who is really weird around me. At the end of the night, this girl I've never talked to came over to me and said, "will wants to know if you permed your hair" (my hair was really curly). I told her no, it happens when I don't blow dry it, and it's been especially wavy lately. So she shouts this across the room to will, which is weird, and will is like, "oh! Well, it looks nice" and then does what can only be described as blushing furiously. HAHAHAHAH.

So then everyone was leaving and me and Kris tin and Bri ana decided we needed a celebratory drink, which we have previously had problems scheduling, so we went to a brewery over by campus and sat and drank. And I haven't had anything to really drink in a long time and the (snicker) cosmos I was drinking were strizzong and before too long we were all pretty plastered. I love them. They are my favorite school-related people (and obviously, my best friends, since I don't gripe about having to clean their cat's boxes when they're out of town) and I really like hanging out with them and I laughed a whole hell of a lot with them. We now have big plans to go fake tanning, to go swimsuit shopping and to the beach, to go to a spa that Kris tin found, and to go camping sometime this summer. Wheee!

Then when the bar closed we went home. And I was starving and nauseous so JD made me tatertots after I puked up whatever narsty greek food I ate at the party. Gross. But eating tatertots didn't make me feel anybetter and I fell asleep but woke up at two and read for four hours and then fell back asleep later and woke up just now, feeling a little like I want to die but I had so much fun it was totally worth it. Hahahaha.

So anyway. I'm going to eat lunch and go to the gym later (that's going to hurt, I bet) and do some random work.

I'm so glad I could entertain you myself with this post.

There Is Nothing Like Bare Mattresses, Underneath The Stairs

We had another earthquake today. I am getting slightly freaked out by all the shaking. And the tsunami warning that we had the other night. That was freaky. Anyway.

Your IQ Is 140

Your Logical Intelligence is Genius Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius Your Mathematical Intelligence is Genius Your General Knowledge is Genius

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life. “Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.” “It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.” --Jean-Paul Sartre “It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.” --Blaise Pascal More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page... Existentialism 95% Hedonism 80% Strong Egoism 60% Utilitarianism 45% Kantianism 35% Justice (Fairness) 25% Nihilism 20% Apathy 5% Divine Command 0% What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03) created with QuizFarm.com

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires. And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek. You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships. It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Why Must All Those Pretty Things Be Sad! Sad! Somehow, Somehow. Sad! Sad! Somehow, Somehow.

Best chorus ever. no, I mean it. EVER.

I made a comp cd last night because I had to drive to LA alone this morning. Yuck. If I don't have stuff to sing to on that drive, the freeway swamps of sadness overwhelm me and I sink into the asphalt.

Things are good. I am about at wit's end with a couple pesky little issues. Maybe you guys can help me brainstorm. First, I would like to publicly announce that I am not your goddamn maid. So, maybe you could pick up after your damn self. Second, if I loan you money to see a movie on Saturday, I think you should pay me back on Saturday. I think it is unacceptable to not ever pay me back, or to get cash out and then not pay me. Oh, and I don't appreciate the eating of the groceries doubly right now. You have some money. I know you do. Take that money, and your own car, you dont' need a chauffeur, and drive your ass to the grocery and get the food YOU like to eat. And bring it home and make it yourself. And then clean up after your damn self.

These things are sucking:

* I am still paying all the bills. I am not sure how to politely broach this subject since I never imagined it would be an issue. I'm flabbergasted that I'm going to have to ASK my roommate to pay for the following things:

food
electricity
cable tv
gas
phone
rent

all of which seem incredibly obvious to me. And honestly, here's how I feel about it

*She knew she would be moving out here to live. Not to be entertained, or to be indulged. To live. With a job. Which was no problem for her to find. But, although I know she was told at one point that she would need to contribute financially, that has only happened when she has cash in her pocket and someone wants to eat fast food. Excluding pizza.

*I hate clutter. I especially hate clutter in the common areas. I honestly could care less what someone's bedroom looks like. I can close the door and not have to see it. But for shit's sake, the living room is the only common space in the apartment. And it has been continually trashed for three weeks. I almost started throwing things last night. I can't concentrate when things are cluttery. I can't sit still and not be picking up and


GRRRR. I think the worst is that I feel like it's not my place to say anything to her about any of it. Ahem. AHEM. SOMEONE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING. I can't ask your sister for money, dear. AHEM.

God, I'm such an insufferable bitch. But at least I don't leave childish little comments about farts on people's myspace accounts. THAT would just be the last straw.

When There's Nothing Left To Burn

I had a dramatic weekend.

I also have a series of recommendations for you:

1. If you've never had nice sheets, go buy them right now. I'd never had nice sheets. The ones I've had forever are from eye kee ah and feel a bit like sandpaper, but you get used to them. I had a coupon for Bed Bath and Beeyond (watch out for that beyond section) and I bought some decent ones this weekend. Holy mother of god, they're amazing. Best sleep of my life, this weekend.

2. If you've never tried soy milk in a coffee drink, you need to. I highly recommend iced soy lattes. Roll your eyes harder, why don't you. It's baby step one on the potentially thinking about maybe possibly becoming vegan. Not to mention, healthy and delicious.

3. If you've never bought a pair of pants specifically designed to be worked-out in, and you work out often enough to warrant such a purchase, for the love of god, go do that right now too. I was just wearing sleep pants and sweat pants for the most part. Last night I wore exercise-specific pants and they really do all that crap they're supposed to, like wick sweat away from your skin and keep you cool and looking fly. Ha.

4. If you plan to do grocery shopping at the Persian market across the street and you go by yourself, put a fake wedding band on your left hand. Otherwise, you will have to endure this conversation:

Creepy old guy: Ahh, you are farsi?
Me: No.
COG: But you speak Farsi?
Me:No.
COG: Do you speak Persian?
Me: NO.
COG: Ahh. Then I can ask you a question?
Me: Mhmm
COG: (glances wildly around for produce to ask about) What is the difference between a "sweet potato" and a "yam?"
Me: Uhm, yams are orange.
COG: Oh, oh, but you cook them the same...?
Me: you cook them all like potatoes, they're just sweeter.
COG: Oh. (eyes my basket) You cook a lot? You a good cook? You cook for yourself, like me?
Me: No, I can't cook. My roommates cook. I just buy the food.
COG: Oh, your roommate, is she Farsi?
Me: Bye.

Attention Orahnge County:

I am not Latina, Chicana, Spanish, Farsi, Navajo, or any kind of Asian by descent. Just because I have black hair, I swear to god, people, does not an exotic ethnicity make me. Stop asking. And no, I am not at the grocery store shopping for a husband. That place is super creepy. Women go there with fehndii bags and stilettos and have just come from the hairdresser and reek of parfum and that's cool, but I go in flip flops and my hair tied in a knot and a scowl on my face and I still get approached by wife-seeking men. Bah. I'm never going there at night by myself again. Freshest produce in town be damned.

5. If you would like another comp cd, I recommend you voicing that in the comments section. I believe Jenny tried to do this subtly a few weeks ago by saying she'd never heard Mono or EITS. Well, sis, you will just have to ask for things. And yes, I do need a ride from Indy, but we can discuss that later.

I Know You're Drowning Slow

I booked a ticket. I'm going to fly into Indianapolis on June (this month!) 28th, that's a Tuesday, I get there around 6pm. Be around until July 12th. Leaving from Indy also. Let me know, starting now, when you want to hang out. Some of those days are going to be devoted to seeing my g-ma in chi-town. Maybe 3 days. And that will eat up a weekend, since Jenny wants to go and she has a job and stuff.

I'm going home. This day has been plenty long, it's had plenty of chances to kill me.

You Found Some Love For Me, Thinking I'd Go

I know you didn't ask, but I am in the process of making another comp cd, and I realized that I am so post-rock it totally hurts.

example: My all time favorite bands are

1. Mogwai
2. Explosions in the sky
3. Mono
4. Blonde Redhead
5. Godspeed! You, Black Emperor

These have not changed with the exception of the #2 slot, which I was only introduced to last year. These are permanent, people. That is crazy. My heart leaps and rends and plummets any time I listen to these bands. I love these bands. So. Much. If you haven't heard them, please, please, hit me up for a comp in the comments section. I am HAPPY to send you one. God, they all rule so hard.

You know how many of you have recently quit smoking? I am about to do something comparable. Moral support would be appreciated. I am very proud of you guys. It is so totally awesome to do something hard that's worthwhile.

In other news, I had it pointed out to me (no, by JD) the other night that I have "Big Fish in a Small Pond Syndrome"

Which is exactly right. And explained a lot. Maybe that's the one lousy thing I inherited from my dad. Concert pianst teaching at U E indeed! Ridiculous. You can apply that metaphor to every aspect of my life, and it holds. I won't give examples. You can all think of plenty. Have yourselves a good chuckle at that.

I am going to plan/book a flight to the Midwest in late June or early July. See you guys soon. Lovels.

When I Press The Keys, It All Gets Reversed

So, I can't STOP quoting bright eyes lyrics. Everywhere I go, I quote bright eyes lyrics.

Thank you, ladies, for all those niceties in the comments section. I appreciate it. I had sucha nice time bonding with my entire cohort (minus a few super lame-os that no one missed because they're jerks) after our talks yesterday. Os kar and I had this conversation as we were waiting around for Ed win inthe morning:

O: I would rather eat a live chicken than do this.
Me: I wouldn't. But, I would rather fake tap dance for fifteen minutes.

(I then proceed to pretend to tap dance in my dress shoes in his office, to his great amusement)

O: So, did you used to be a cheerleader or something?
Me: (snorting) No.
O: Maybe my loud vertical striped shirt will hypnotize everyone and they will fall asleep.
Me: Yes.


And then we all talked about how we want a drink. I think it would be fun if we actually did all go out for drinks. Maybe that would actually happen! Cool. I like everyone a lot. I'm really lucky that the people who are my grad sckool bros and sisses are so awesome. I heart them.

Today has been a waste so far. I was fooking exhausted all last night, but JD and Jess and I went out to dinner anyway. I kind of wish I had just gone to sleep.

Jess and I are going to get our hairs cut in a couple hours. We had talked about having a big ole girly spa day where we'd go get haircuts and mani pedis and mystic tans, but for some reason I dont' have the energy for it. I think it's this stupid thing I'm supposed to be working on that I've put off that's draining me of energy to have fun.

I also have to cat sit for my lame friend (she's been really lame lately, usually I guess she's not so bad) and do some homework and help JD pack the rest of his apartment and go to the gym. Yay! I am so excited to work out. I seriously have not had time in WEEKS. I am going to have to start over from scratch with the whole "getting in shape" thing, but that is ok with me because I am excited about the gym.

I also caught up on sleep this morning, which was literally on my to do list, but I feel groggy for having slept too much. I won't wake up for real until it gets dark, and that's about the time I wanna fight

hahahaha.

I am going to go assail that stupid thing I have to write. Get ir done and all that.

Now I'm Drunk As Hell

I'm done.

Sweet god, I'm so happy that's over. I got a phone call from my friend Ed win this morning (it's what woke me up, sadly) that my graphs didn't go through. I so went to campus earlier than I wanted and sat and remade them on the school computer. Lame. Then Os kar and Ed win and I sat around in os kar's office, where I showed them how I can fake tap dance when I'm nervous and trying to burn off excess energy. Then we finally went over to the conference room and set everything up and promised to hold hands and hug each other right after each of our talks. Which we more or less did. It got more awkward as the session dragged on because we all ended up sitting a few rows apart and the speakers were playing musical chairs so we had to hug, like, over people and around obstacles. Just kidding.

I did fine. I was no more or less nervous than I expected to be, and I was able to give a lot of the talk instead of reading it like I was scared I would do. I made eye contact (and extensive eye contact, and held it, dammit) with many very frightening people in the audience. It was fine, and it was lovely to look up and see Kris tin grinning hugely at me, I almost cracked up a few times when she did that.

And then the questions. Oh good lord, the questions. I didn't get a SINGLE question that I'd thought about or prepared for, not even the obvious ones. My harshest/most inappropriate question came from a girl one year my senior in the program who I had never in my wildest dreams expected to try to assassinate my study. For the most part, though, even the question part went well.

The whole time I was getting questions about stupid shit, I wanted to scream, "THIS ISN'T THE STUDY I ORIGINALLY DID. EITHER LAST FUCKING YEAR WHEN I FIRST DID IT, OR THIS FUCKING MARRRRRRCH WHEN I WAS STILL COLLECTING DATA. I AM BULLSHITTING YOU. I HAVE HAD TO CONCOCT A COMPLETELY NEW STUDY IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS. STOP ASKING ME RETARDED QUESTIONS. I AM TRYING TO PULL SIGNIFICANCE OUT OF THIN AIR, PEOPLE, I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE OBVIOUS"

But then afterward, Ell en, who I was sitting next to, told me I did great. Lin da came up to me after and looked like she was going to crap herself she was so proud (not really going to crap herself) and said a bunch of things I immediately forgot but one was, "oh, you definitely have to do this for a living, you were so incredible! And you weren't even phased by the questions!! You sounded so authoritative! I'm sorry, there's no getting out of it. You HAVE to do this with your life."

Which I thought was bit over the top, but hey, I'll take it.

I really wasn't that nervous. The worst thing was that my mouth immediately and permanently got incredibly dry and it felt like my lip was sticking weirdly to my teeth when I talked. So that made me feel retarded. But otherwise, I think it went really well. I DID feel like I did a good job. And I'm sure I will feel better the further from it I get in the next few days. Right now I'm still not totally sure what came out of my mouth during the questions, and I got about six of them, and five of them were hard-ass, mean questions, but apparently I did those well too. Whatev.

Thanks for being supportive, guys. I have now officially completed my first official graduate school hurdle. Bring it on, qualifying exams. Bring it on, diss er tayshun orils. Etc.

FUCK YEAH!!!! (Bracelet still intact, in plain view throughout my talk).

The End Of Paralysis

It's my dad's birthday today. I hate days like this, where I have to be like, "oh, I mean, it WOULD be his birthday if he hadn't died." He'd be 57. That is crizazy.

I am spending today mentally preparing for my talk tomorrow. Mentally and somewhat physically, as I intend to do lots of girly things like soak my feet in this smelly foot bath and do a facial mask and flat iron my hair if I feel like it and definitely try on lots of clothes to decide what to wear.

And that reminds me.

Those of you who think I am shallow but read this anyway, and I assume are never surprised to find that I am still shallow, especially on this blog, even if you don't check it every day, well, you people can take a flying leap off a cliff. I am sick to death of having to defend the shit I want to say on here. Do you really think this public website represents the deepest, most thoughtful, most insight-driven and compassionate parts of me? That's ridiculous. You should know it's ridiculous. Unless, of course, the things you post on your blog/website really ARE the best parts of you, in which case double fuck off.

I don't need the "anonymous" comments about how you don't appreciate the way I worded something. Or I didn't give enough credence to this or that cause that you feel strongly about. This is what I'm proposing: piss off. Piss off and stop reading my blog that you so obviously hate, or piss off and keep reading but stop posting comments "anonymously" when you want to let me know that you think I'm lame. I already know you think I'm lame. I don't care. Just, please, nothing annnoys me more than knowing who's posting comments and knowing you think I'm a horrible person and knowing you're going to keep reading this, looking for times that I'm sufficiently politically incorrect to warrant one of your swooping, sarcastic little anonymous barbs to really drive the point home, to me and to the others who read this, that I am a shallow person.

Grow some balls and sign your name. Or, go away. Honestly, nothing pisses me off worse. I'm not trying to convince you to like me. I'm not goddamn going to watch what I say on here for the sake of being nonoffensive. That goes for all of you, but usually doesn't have to go for all of you.


Anyway.

I am about 94% ready for tomorrow. I have to hammer through some of the finer details of how I'm going to answer potential questions. I feel good. More importantly, i feel ready. And everyone is telling me I'm ready. This whole process has just reminded me to be patient. It may take six hundred rounds of revisions but then when it clicks it's awesome. It's really good. I just haven't had to do something this well before. It's painful but it's kind of nice. Now.

Here is a list of things that I like about having a new roommate:

*She buys trashy celeb gossip mags that i won't spend money on but like reading.
*She is going to go to the beach with me, have a spa day with me later this week, shop endlessly for shoes with me, and spilt the costs of buying the brown-hair only crap that we're both in love with so that we can both use it exclusively.
*She represents a very large bargaining chip in the way of convincing families to come here for christmas instead of us all trying to go there.
*She is fun and I like her.

Here is a list of things that I may not be able to stand for much longer:

*For three full days, a used press-on nail, an open pantiliner, and a tube of bikini lotion (the kind that prevents razor bumps) were sitting on the back of the toilet for no apparent reason.
*I like law and order. She likes CSI.
*She has six thousand romance novels on the bookshelf in the living room. JD and I can feel our indie cred slipping away.
*Yesterday she said, "I actually like this toby keith song"
*She is chatty. Reaaaaal chatty. I am not so chatty.
*In four days she and her mother went through three WHOLE rolls of toilet paper. This tp thing has been an issue for me in the past. I hope it doesn't become one again.
*She knows the words to every song that is ever played on any radio, and she sings along to them no matter where we are. Usually this happens in public.
*She, like her mom, has this slightly annoying habit of going, "look, Jay, look at this thing that you will think is hideous but I think you'd like." His name isn't "jay" Mine isn't "lizbeth" either.
*She can have whole conversations at you without caring if you're listening or awake or having another conversation with someone else. Wow, that one is really weird and special. It's mind-blowing. Outside of Jay's (snicker) family I'd never met anyone who could do that trick.

But the good outweighs the bad. I like having another girl around. I am going to break her of the lingering evansville. This was the best possible thing she could have done for herself, in my humble opinion. She didn't need to be living with her mom and going to night school and working full time and being a surrogate aunt/mother to her teen pregnancy friend's twins. I'm amazed that she up and came here, I could see most people in the situation she was in (which I should add wasnt' all that miserable whatsoever, she had a nice niche) never wanting to upset the way things were. So I'm impressed with her balls in coming out here.

Yeah, so, I'm clearly a little stressed out. I'll try to check that for the next 24 hours. Ooh, less than that until this nightmare is all over. God, that's awesome. Wish me luck tomorrow. Lovels.

Meu Pai, Meu Rei

Things are getting better. My talk is done and "ready." My paper was good. I am finally convinced that it was good. It took a day for it to sink in that I had actually (as mom #1 put it) had "pulled it off without getting away with anything."

That was probably the nicest thing she could have said. For fuck's sake, I was collecting the dater through March. It didn't work. The analyses had to be redone several thousand times. We had to reframe the whole thing conceptually about six times. We're both pretty impressed with me, and ourselves. And I started to be ok with that, once my talk got to where it needs to be.

It's pretty good. It's fun. I like it. I am almost (ALMOST) looking forward to giving it. Ok, not quite, but it is a damn fine talk. So this should be ok.

I just needed time to sleep it off, and be able to see that I really did do a good job. Urck.

Jd's family is here. i have a new roommate. This is already fun. I forgot how much I like having people around all the time. She's good at gardening. I suck. So, we went and got new flowers today and planted them on the balcony. they are preschie. hahaha. I'll take photos eventually.

We also got me an oil change today and it was exPENSIVE! but now my car drives well. Like, I probably should have had that done awhile ago. Jess is already on my shit about car maintenance, so that'll be handy too.

What the hell else have we done since they got here? Not much. The plan for tonight is to make pasta and stay in, I guess. That's fine with me. I'm almost totally out of money. That sucks. This is going to be a really tight month. Boo.

I'm going to practice my talk and practice my talk some more, and then also practice my talk. Three more days now. Bear with me. I'm almost out of the woods.

I'm thinking I'll come home in July sometime. How's July for you guys? I want to start planning something.

Life Goes Easy On Me

Well, it's the first of the month. Which means that finally, this monstrous paper is due. Today. Signatures and everything. I spent all of last night writing it. No, I'm not kidding. One of my moms wanted me to take the talk that goes along with the paper and squish it into the paper. Basically, rewrite the paper as the talk, but more paper-like. Wow, that blew. I was in my little tower until later than I've ever been here before last night. It sucked. And Jessica and Janet got here last night, but I didn't see them until this morning. That also blew.

But worst of all was the feeling in the pit of my stomach all night, when I finally gave up and went home and made JD read sections of it and couldn't convince myself that it was anything but total slop. I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like it was very possible that I would send it to my reeeeders and they would refuse to sign it. And if they did that, I would have childishly refused to give the talk, and would drop out of school. I'm not kidding. If it's not done today I get my funding cut off.

So I felt like shit all night, felt like shit this morning when I was running around getting things together (my stupid figures didnt' go through on one of their versions, so instead of them figuring out that you can double click it into being there, I had to make hard copies and take them over), felt like shit as I trudged over to hand off the figures, felt like shit when she started telling me how great and how incredibly improved the paper was and how it's beautiful. I continued feeling like shit as she insisted on getting the signature page and signing it right then, before my class, and I felt like shit all through class and then into my next adviser's office as I handed her the signature page.

So it's done, but I feel like shit anyway. Maybe it comes with knowing all the ins and outs of the thing, and where it's methodologickalie weak and why it's crap and maybe it's my very acute understanding of my lack of knowledge about the things about it I should know, but I almost broke down cryin with relief in both of their offices, and I am about to walk the signature page over to the administrative person's office and if I don't burst into hysterical, inexplicable tears right there I shall consider this day a victory.

Everyone else thinks the paper's really good, but I had convinced myself last night that there was no possible way they would okay it, and I am so full of self-doubt right now that I can't even hear the positive stuff. It's really weird. I can honestly say that I've never been this stressed out in my life. The last 24 hours have sucked. Balls. And it's not letting up until Tuesday. Shit, Monday afternoon. I can totally make it through Monday, but I'm dreading it with every fiber of my being.

My adviser is like the caring, involved, supportive mom I never felt like I had (see, real mom? I told you to stop reading this), and the thing that makes me most nervous is disappointing her. I dont' care if I make an ass of myself in front of the whole depart mint, I'm just afraid to let her down and make her look like a bad adviser. Ugh. Christ.

Just, bleccck.

5 days. 5 more days. Holy crap.