Don't Sail Back For Me

It's been a whirlwind of a last few days.

Saturday was The Test, couldn't sleep until 4 the night before, as expected, couldn't stop running through shit in my head. Got up at 8:30. Rocked it washerboard-style. Didn't get to pull off half the cool shit I had planned, but it didn't go all too embarassingly, and while there were times I fucked stuff up, we all fucked stuff up, all knew we were going to, and rolled with the punches. I felt good about it when it was over, which is probably the most important thing.

Just call me Dr. Blackbelt indeed.

So Saturday night was The Karaoke Party to end all Karaoke Parties. This involved me, JD, Raedy, Stacey, Ashleigh, Mike, Brian, and Stacey's Chris, and also my video camera that's right I'll make dvds of the HILARIOUS (we watched it this evening, so trust me when I say HILARIOUS) footage for those of you who want one, if you buy me a blank dvd.

I didn't drink anything. Poo. I had such big plans to get plastered and I didn't even feel like it. We were supposed to meet some hapkido guys at the Bird that night but I was dropping dead tired and Pat wasn't working and I didn't really want to go hang out with certain ones of them, so we called Erik (sic) and changed the plans and instead ran to the liquor store and Taco Bella

Mmmm, Taco Bell, food of the gods.

So then Karaoke Party...erupted, if you will, and my personal highlights were:

Raedy and I dancing to "cry me a river"
Raedy singing "gummi bears"
Ashleigh dancing on the couch, shaking her hips back and forth, continually twirling a strand of hair, and pretending to chew gum disinterestedly
Brian insisting on mouthing the words to Bjork's "All is Full of Love"


But there was so much more. I think we should have one as we camp out.

Then Sunday Ashleigh and I woke up at ass-o'clock to drive down to Evansville for Mrs. Lewis' funeral. I had been not dealing with the whole thing until then, as I am always either really selfish with grief or really unable to show it appropriately, and I never feel like I'm the right level of upset about something like this. It was beautiful and moving and Mike read a poem about her and instantaneously me, mom, jenny, and ashleigh are all yanking tissues out of the box mom is clutching on her lap and not looking at one another, and I was flooded with all these memories of her that I'd forgotten, and then I was double-flooded with the realization that she touched my life one eighty-billionth the way she touched those other people's, but I wanted to cry and scream and tantrum on the floor and it's such a personal thing, Mike's poem was about her sitting on the porch chasing birds away with a pot and then all I could think of was how I ate dinner there once or twice and she tried to get me to eat my own weight in spaghetti

and how it doesn't feel real, how there won't be any ridiculously ornate homemade xmas candy at my mom's from her this year, how there won't be a "Honey-Do" list on their refrigerator anymore, how things will be so different and noticeably lacking in MY life and

and then I think of Jenny. And Mike, and of course his whole family, and my mind reels with the enormity of this loss. I think about how I am on the very fringe of a friend-of-a-friend type of network that she created and how unhappy I am about her not being there and it's so fucking selfish of me to be crying but that it's just testament to the fact that she was really one of the best people in the world, and she really

I am not retarded and I swear I realize that we are all going to die eventually, and a lot of us will have the misfortune (if you want to see it that way) of outliving a lot of others of us, and it's never going to get easier, but there were so many things that sent me right back to nine years ago, and so many things that I, as a 21 year old, still cannot deal with head on.

I'm so sorry Jenny. It always takes the best people away.

It's the Beat That My Heart Skips When I'm With You

Some things are sucking ass, some things are kicking it. Oh, what a fine fine line.

*Who's coming into town this weekend? All are welcome, the test starts at noon on Saturday, and I'm not doing anything ridiculous Friday night, so keep that in mind as you plan your itinerary, but DO come watch. It'sa be awesome. I'm no longer nervous, I feel like we'll all tear it up, and goddammit if I don't want to get as plastered as I'm thinking I'll be able to get (exhaustion and dehydration help you get drunker faster, right?) that night, asuming things go as planned. Which they don't always. But anyway. Prepare for Karaoke Party, learn the lines to some new jamz, and bring it to my house.

*So, let's be redundant: I am not only not nervous, I am actually excited. About the test. And really, about moving. Except for how fucking expensive it is out there. But oh well. Gotta have a nice place for you guys to come visit when you're out there, right?

*I'm tired of these horror stories. Pat the hapkido instructor's girlfriend was in a "boating accident" in which a propeller chopped up her leg and she's in the hospital in PA having multiple surgeries but she's going to be fine, but that's some crazy shit, crazier still is that her uncle saw what was happening to her, pushed her away from the propeller, and threw himself in front of it. His back is chopped up and he's also in the hospital.

*I'm tired of the best people getting cancer. I'm not letting myself deal head-on with those thoughts until after this weekend though, because I will lose it.

*I was flipping through CosmoGIRL! at Wal-Mart and in the horoscopes they had a picture of which cell phone you should have depending on your sign and HOLY SHIT Saggitarius was the cell phone, in LAVENDER, that I just got (and so did JD, who is also a Sag). IS THAT NOT FREAKY SHIT

*I think my body is going to fall apart after the test, with a loud groan and a "there, we held together for two years, that's enough"
Fine as long as not before

*Savvy

City Sunset Over Me

Hey again. Not much has changed since the last posty. I just kind of wanted to bitch more about how sore and nervous i am, and how our internet at home is sucking massively, and point out that my test is a week from tomorrow. and for the last two years I've noticed how fucking nervous I get before a test, weeks before a test, and I always tell mysefl "gee liz, imagine how bad this'll be when it's your BLACK belt test" and kind of giggled, but now it's just not funny.

Last night JD and I had a "pretest" which was kind of not real, kind of only consisted of one tiny section of the test, mostly because Mr. burns had somewhere to be and U-Haul (the one who asked for the pretest in the first place) and his partner erik(sic) weren't there. assholes. hahahah.

anyway, we now are acutely aware of what needs to be fixed. tomorrow all four of us are going to tear up the stuff that needs to be somewhat synchronized, and fix hopefully a lot of our other faulty shit. I think it'll be better to have the next week be intense training rather than free practicing because it'll take my mind off it. seriously, the only time I'm not nervous is when I'm in the room in the HPER practicing or stretching and am a bout to practice.

sigh. Must channel nervous energy into something productive.

I hope you guys aren't bored.

Other than that, I have a big weekend of nothing planned, hopefully Insite will come fix the internet once and for all, hopefully I will be able to click some more stuff into place, hopefully I will find a trick to reduce my skittishness

If not though, I can't wait to see you guys. smooches to you all, I loveles you

This Blog Has No Idea Why This Blog Is So Goddamn Lazy

In the past week I have:

*freaked out about impending ninja assassin test, especially frustrations that I personally have that make me feel inept, frustrations caused by others that make me feel inept, been unable to sleep regularly because I get to rehearsing in my head when I'm trying to sleep, etc.

*been soothed almost to a ridiculous point by Patrick saying nice things in my general direction, the unspoken confidence in me he and everyone else has, (and sometimes it's spoken), communal bitching about the same frustrations among three of us, validation of all my complaints about things preventing me from being "kunja," and a deep, deep, so deep it's easy to overlook self-confidence about this test that I am just now being able to tap into.

*seen my mom, who is always awesome, but the more she talks like she's going to move up to Chicago and get the hell out of eville the more I get excited for her; she and granny chicago had a good ole time a couple weeks ago and I'm thrilled.

*lazily refused to get out of bed or go to the lab

*procrastinated running stats on the last piece of data I need to look at to determine whether I should throw in the towel

*gotten extremely excited about the prospect of camping, and also the prospect of the inevitable karaoke party that may follow the test

*gotten extremely excited about moving and starting school

*talked to chris daniels at length and am super proud of him

*hung out with dustin, toni, shane, jd, and some other guy at toni's, listened to jd lose a rock trivia contest to Aaron Manager

*come home to Bloomington, on the way we stopped at a gas station, and I went to pee and walked in on a girl on the toilet, I am not kidding, I walked in on some girl peeing because she didn't lock the door.

*gone to target and los bravos with ashpee and jd, thanks for the pitcher of margaritas and letting us play with your pugs, that was awesome!

*been reminded that any bitching that goes on among this group of friends about one another will eventually get back to everyone.

*been reminded that some people have no sense of humor about themselves, and see everything through serious blinders, and it's really kind of sad

*seen pirates of the carribean twice, once with chris, which made it all the more enjoyable

*listened to U-Haul (sic) give his slanted dissertation spiel about how there is no honor or pride or decency or anything good in people generally, and the united states military and government specifically, and how oaths dont' mean shit and people just become cops and soldiers to KILL PEOPLE WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES, all of which spiraled out of a comment that cops in LA are now allowed to carry MP5s.

*started packing. It's kind of early but I figure what the hey

*have discussed in depth several times with several people how busy we're all going to be next year (fuck, most of us start being busy in a month) and how that means there isnt going to be time to push failing relationships uphill

*remembered also that you have to give respect to get it, and some people just don't understand that and then sit there all fucking empty-handed and doe-eyed wondering why no one is respecting them

*been reminded, mostly by the monologue about evil that had the rest of us bristling, that I think people are basically good, and I give entirely too much credit to people sometimes, and entirely not enough to them other times, but I think it balances out, and if you feel i have slighted you the only way I will ever know this is if you tell me. Now is a good time.

*enough. i cant' wait for the next ten days to be finished. and then the next five years. I love you guys a shitload. thank you for being awesome, and for being supportive even when you don't necessarily need to be that way.

Mother Nature Lets It Rip

So, things are steadily improving. Our internet is now working every now and then throughout the day, which is a big improvement over it never working, and I keep sleeping to noon and dreaming more and more since I said I don't dream, but don't remember any of it. Usually I wake up with a certian feeling and can't place it, and it's annoying.

I met with my profs today to get the bad news; that my study is dead and hopeless, which is what I see when I look at the data. But I forgot that they are brilliant, extremely insightful women, and they both took one look at the sad sad little piles of numbers and went "combine this with the data from the year, you can say you sampled some of the subjects with sound and that won't sound the slightest bit ridiculous since you now have 25 people in a condition. From what we see here it's still going in the right direction, and you probably have some effects here (point) here (point) and here (point)" So I'll rerun some stats this weekend or early next week, and if we all hold our breath and say we believe in fairies, maybe it'll come back to life. thank God for endlessly optimistic mentors.

I'm turning in my kunja paper tonight, which I just reread and printed, and am actually quite happy with. Weird. It was affirming to read all this shit I wrote about how virtue is personal and elusive but you just keep looking for it. the one I find most elusive? Fortitude, or not getting retardedly frustrated with myself every goddamn day when things don't go as planned.

anyway, just wanted to write and remind you I am coming hom tonight, late, let's all hang out, it'll be awesome, I'll be home until sometime Sunday

Jesus and I love you

gotta get my ass to club!

Shut up, just shut up, shut up

Hi guys!

So, the black raincloud of doom and despair hovering over me for the past week is evaporating nicely. Sorry to be such a downer. I was just not wanting to deal with anything and things that needed to be dealt with were piling up on me.

Now it's all a little clearer.

I'll be in Eville this weekend if anyone is going to be around, or wants something fun to do. Call me. I don't feel like typing paragrpahs, so I'm resorting to a list today.


Shit
*Going to visit Keith
*Getting yelled at by Hakano (sic) for having a badditude
*Stupid hapkiod (sic) tards that try to make me feel incompetent
*The oppressive weather
*The thought of how hot it's going to be in the HPER for the black belt test
*JD drinking my frappuccinos when I'm gone
*Jenny calling me "Lala"
*My own inability to deal with frustration
*My excessive jealousy of Raedy for going to New Orleans tomorrow, and Jenny for going to the east coast tomorrow
*This itchy bridge-burning feeling I get when I am about to make a major life change
*Dr.Phil being right sometimes
*My study not working, which means I won't get published
*I hate the lab
*I sleep a lot and dream very little these days


Awesome
*I keep finding my back door on the driver's side unlocked. When no one's been in there. Dad, cut it out!
*I am starting to see the bigger picture, and understand why certain relationships fall apart
*I love you guys
*Pat the hapkiod instructor can say two words and make my day, single-handedly renewing my confidence in my abilities and making it fun again. thank god for him.
*The new Black-Eyed Peas album is fucking sweet, and it has a song called "Let's Get Retarded" that I think you'll all like. Check it out, or have me burn it for you.
*My mom is awesome, and she went up to Chicago all by herself last weekend, which is amazing. Every day I realize more how amazingly strong she is.
*Jenny showed me her photo project. the theme was my dad's not being there. Oh my god I cried so much. But it's so fucking good. especially the second to last page. Which I want a copy of. To blow up.
*everytime my emotions reach a breaking point, nature throws a series of impressive storms my way and fixes everything.
*I made Jd watch Brown sugar last night. hahahahah
*He's making me watch Pootie tang tonight. hahahaha
*It may be sad that some of my relationships are sputtering and gasping for air, but it's also becoming clear to me that there are certain people I will stay in touch with next year and beyond, and that makes me really happy.
*there's more, but I'm tired of thinking.


Love you guys!

Your Time Is Up

Ok, Liz, let's cut the shit already.

I have cried more today than I ever thought possible. In fact, I have been crying more lately than ever before, and it's sapping my everything.

There's a lot of shit blowing up in my face, thanks for asking, but the absolute worst is my stupid, stupid, stupidstupidstupid fucking stupid clinging to things that are unrealistic and improbable, and then getting disappointed when they (surprise!) blow up in my face.

I don't know what to do. Nothing makes any sense.

So I went up to Lafayette yesterday to see Keith, which was in itself kind of a big deal, and I think was the worst idea of the worst kind that I've ever had. What was I thinking? I knew a few days ago that it wasn't going to be all sunshine and puppies, and still I am surprised when I get in my car to leave and sob for a fucking half hour before I can start the car. I am so fucking stupid sometimes. He looked at me only when he had to, dodged any kind of eye contact, and treated me like I was a cardboard cutout of myself. Such unbelievable fucking apathy, and I am appalled at my own shock about this. I thought I had played out every possible scenario that could possibly happen when I went up there, but I forgot the one where he doesn't care, we have nothign to say, there's no fucking point in my being there and I am consumed with a ridiculously desperate feeling in the pit of my stomach that we will never see each other again and for some reason this upsets me and I can't say anything and the whole time I am making the pathetic about-to-burst-into-tears face and he just doesn't care beyond the cursory "something eating you?," and it's not intentional, it's not pouting for attention, it's the despairing realization that yeah, it all went the way I'd dreaded it would, and as soon as he was strong enough to be my friend he wouldn't want to, and it's these subtle fucking things that are killing me guys, it's the SUBTLE woman-hating evil ninjas, it's the SUBTLE asking me for a favor but wording it like you are asking for a kidney and insulting me and my intelligence and it's the SUBTLE being shit on by the fucking lab that we have busted our asses for the past two years that

you know what? it's the culmination of the goddamn last two years

but i was up there and it was horrible, I was miserable, I was there for about 29 hours and I've never felt so fucking unwelcome anywhere in my life, I woke up this morning and stayed in my room for, I am not kidding, two hours before I came out, doing nothing, and it was just a bad idea, I am just a retard for thinking anything good could come of it. At least I know. At least I can't regret not going.

Ok, I'm in the worst place in the world and have been stuck here for the last few days, I am sorry to keep scaring you guys with crazy posties and I realize these are more pretentious than most but it's not like i agonize over the wording of it and i'm nto trying to sound intelligent, i am just emoting and trying to find the appropriate outlet for all this frustration that has nowhere to go and typing distracts my stupid stupid stupid fucking mind from sweeping fatalistic generalizations that start the water works agian

Nevermind. Fuck.

You Have Not Be-en Paying Attention

Ok, I am going to suppress the rant that's been rising (urge to kill rising) in my mind for the last 24 hours or so, because I am still too blown away by all the shitty things happening to formulate it adequately. I wouldn't even know where to start. I know, chronologically, when it started, but I'm not sure when I realized there was a more sinister accumulation of emotionally taxing bullshit happening.

Now, I will keep this brief. Until I've better thought this through, I will regret saying the things I feel like saying right now. I don't really feel like I AM the gigantic worthless helpless incompetent impolite moron that some people have inadverdently suggested I am, for what it's worth. However, my own self-worth is faltering right now as a function of how much shit is getting thrown in my face, and there's not enough time or clever wording available to me in a given month to write or say all the things that I should say to the people making me feel this way.

I don't feel like typing this anymore. There's no fucking point in vaguing around all vague-ily

{T minus eighteen seconds and counting to total core meltdown}

I am either going to explode and break someone's arms or collapse in a huge weepy puddle of "hey look it, you can set your watch by it" incoherent sobbing.

If I make it to next Monday night, you guys can have all the gory specifics. However, I don't trust myself to make it through Thursday night. Oh lookie, that's today.

three, two...

Pink is a Sexy Lady's Color

Nothing is happening; here is a list of it:

*Mike the methods guy (he wrote me one of my letters) is in town so his wife can work with Kinda on some paper she's writing, this means he is firmly entrenched in the lab, Cogsci ponytail and facial hair and extremely old powerbook in place, chatting at and with any/everyone who walks through the back room. Fine, awesome even, since he really really wanted to talk about NSF funding yesterday.

*I finished coding all (ALL) my data yesterday. How ambitious of me.

*I am selling a bunch of shitty clothes on ebay and no one wants them:(

*I had a fun weekend, thanks guys!

*Jenny, what the hell are you talking about "Liz check your email?" I never got any email from you or about you.

*My mom is super sweet and I love her.....we went all over the town Saturday, and I cleaned up at some Goodwills.

*I am up fairly early but still pissy about my inability to go to sleep before 3:30am.

* I clearly have nothing to say but updating my blog was on my mental to-do list so I am, even though it's retarded. I feel like this is why people think blogs are pretentious. Ouch.

Ahem, Jenny, I have a present for you from JD and his mom. You'll like it. Also, I have a bag of miscellaneous crap for you, including an IU sweatshirt and graduation attire. Whenever you want it. But you're eventually taking it.

I'm hoping that pilates will pound the shit out of my muscles and get me back to normal. I think I'm gettting a cold. i wish I had a horse to ride. I think I'm gettting a rash.

I was thinking I would go to Louisville, or Chicago, this weekend, but now I'm starting to think I'll stay here for the 4th....or not. I can't decide. If I go to Louisville I'll probably go Thursday night. That cool with you, Stace? Who's with me?

Also, our internet sucks balls all the time now, and only works every fourtieth time you try to use it, so keep that in mind. For some reason.

Good god that was boring. Pilates, shower, eating, lab, club, jogging, eating, kunja paper writing(?), article reading, room cleaning, packing, sleeping.

IN THAT ORDER.