It Burns A Hole Through Anyone Who Feels It

Yeah, sis, that's one ass-kicking comp you made me. Might be a contender for Best Comp Cd Ever Made.

I'm killing time before I go to my Xmas/birthday/end-of quarter bash at my friend's house in a couple hours. I put myself in charge of making a comp cd of "christmasy music" which I debated making out of that South Park rendition of O Holy Night to the exclusion of all other songs, but even though I tear up laughing each and every time I hear that song, I bet my friends were wanting something more along the lines of sarah macklaucklin (sic). Sigh. So i'm still putting the Cartman song on there, but it's going to be buffered by some really sappy ass carols that they are all sure to like.

Keith had a job interview today. In Maryland. And he totally got the job. Round of applause for one more person getting the fuck out of Indiana.

I've destroyed the living room (like a chihuahua can destory a bathroom) with my packing. I forgot that I let Jenny take my biggest suitcase home with her when she was here. Whoops. I might have to check more than one bag. More likely, though, I will resort to only wearing one outfit the whole time I am in the midwest. Cold kills off stink, right?

It's 80 degrees here today, and the Santana winds are here again, and they're fucking up everyone's respiratory tracts but it made for a magical walk across campus this morning. Nothing seems more magical to me than walking through crunchy leaves with the wind kicking them up and my hair blowing perfectly away rather than into my face like I'm in a commercial for something. Something related to leaves, I guess.

I have one more mornign of obligation and then I am going to sit around, doing absolutely nothing, until I get on the plane and head there to do absolutely nothing. Lovely.

I cant' pack, it's absurd. I have no idea what I'll need for a winter. It's freaking me out, I have had to scrap several packing lists, which is not usual.

I'm tired.

I've been watching the oc season 1 every free second I've had this week. Nice, huh.

I have to go pick up some salad and bread for this thing tonight. Laters.

Typing Your Eyes Out

Uhm. Ahaem.

So, Jenny, you might have been right when you said it's Davis tradition to freak out first and overreact and ask questions later. along those lines, errrrrrrrrrm, I called this morning and the nice but bored-with-my-panicked-tone phone operator informed me that if my shit isnt' there by the end of the week, I'll just have to resend it. And it won't disqualify me. I intend to blame it on the respective registrars of the offending universities. If anyone asks questions.

But. That means I am not actually going to slit my wrists or any other such reactive nonsense. In fact, I am going to do other, more constructive things instead.

I cleaned up my entire life in the span of two hours this morning. Ran the necessary transckript-related errands, bought software from the bookstore, got two books in my mailbox (woot), faxed something from my favorite copy shop where I was greeted with enthusiasm by two of the employees.

anyway. it's another gorgeous day and since my time in socal is limited this month I am going to go revel in the awesomeness of not having fucked myself with the graant and also that my stats class is a hilarious joke. I will be posting, at the end of the week, the various amusing things the "instructor" has said since I am, in true Rob-Cason-style, writing them all down in my stats notebook dutifully to report back to you guys. Because I laughed a lot. Look forward to that. Now, I am going to start (yay! I've been anxiously awaiting this!) my packing list while I also work out some minor travel details with those of you with whom I am visiting next (holy shit!) week.

word to your motha

In A Big, Big Way I Am Really Small

I just realized I shot myself in the foot in a really irreparable way. God. Dammit. I can't believe I'm that fucking stupid. I can't believe that I didn't turn in all the required paperwork for this stupid fucking graant on time, and therefore my application will be unceremoniously rejected. Holy. Shit. I hate myself a lot right now.

I've also felt really sick all day. That kinda sucks. My stomach is all fucked up and I need to get to bed so I can get up early enough to go to this incredibly lame staats workshop in the morning and every morning this week. I doubt seriously that I'll be getting any kind of peaceful sleep. I can't fucking believe I did that. All time most retarded thing I ever did.

**** (letting it goooooo)*****

So Ash left this morning. Waah. I miss her tons already. We had so much fun. La la la. It's JD's birthday today and he's getting pretty old. hahahaha. We went and ate thai food and then saw ocean's 12 for 7 bucks total. Nice. I wish i didnt' have to ruin his special day by feeling pukey. Now I feel extra pukey, now that I just effectively cut off my nose to spite my face just as ashleigh predicted i would.

fuck. just, fuck.

let's see. we went shopping a lot and ate at restaurants a lot and that was good. I had a birthday in there, that was good. THanks a bundle to everyone who called and otherwise made it clear that they remembered. I heart you guys. Thanks for the comp cd Jenny AND Keith, and thanks for the birthday presents you didn't actually buy for me but I told myself you got me to jusitfy buying shit for myself. Stacey, you bought me the loveliest sweater. And Chris Daniels, I had no idea you could pick out such cute earrings. Thanks guys.

we went down to san diego yesterday and it was rad.
we saw closer and ate at cheesecake factory on my birthday. which was an awesome birthday party.

and lots of other fun stuff. if you want to know how fun you'll just have to come visit yourself, huh

ihave to go dry my hair. And then dry heave myself to sleep. I am such a colossal fuckup. god DAMMIT.

Shake You From Your Sleep

I would just like to say, briefly, that I am incredibly grateful for all of my friends, and my family members that are more friend than family. Some unfortunate events over the past couple days have reminded me how unbelievably lucky I was to have you guys ten years ago, when my father died, when he was sick, when my mom lost her mind completely, and every day of the past decade that you pulled me through her bullshit and helped me see the bright side of things. A lot of you probably have no idea how much it meant to me that you were there, and how much it meant to me that you would stay over at my house all the time or sneak out and go smoke pot with me or help me hide alcohol in my closet or get ready for prom with me or write notes to me in high school or be in color guard with me or call me on my shit or let me live with you in college or have karaoke parties with me or make me a vagina cake for my birthday or sit on the roof of a parking garage with me or whatever you did.

I have come to the absolute conclusion that if you hadn't been there for me at some point in my life I would not have turned out as (*modest*) well as I have. My mother did everything in her power to ensure that we were just as miserable as she was and she may well have succeeded if it hadn't been for those of you who were there to help me through the last ten years. Thanks. I love you.

Eliminate the Need For Water

Sewwwwww.

1.) Jenny, stop dropping hints about what "gigantic" present I should collaborate with so-and-so to get for you. I already told you JD's present is going to make you shit yourself. That should be enough. Also, mom has no money this year. She already said she's not buying us anything but shit from Deal$. Which is probably better. But yeah, I'll get you Xmas presents but mostly you're getting a scarf. And I mailed you two very heavy packages of crap yesterday, so you can appreciate that shit too. If I knew how to make attractive mittens or gloves, believe me, you'd get a pair. Sigh.

2.) I am nearing completion of redrafting my hyuge graant prowpowsal. I Will have it submitted before ash gets here next week.

3.) If I werent' updating I could be making real progress on another project that I intend to have redrafted and thrown back to someone else before ash gets here. I have this morning, this afternoon/evening, and tomorrow to get it done. I can Totally Rock it like that

4.) I received the Best email yesterday informing me that I dont' Actually have my thursday class next week after all. Thank goodness for flaky speakers! So I don't have a ridiculous obligation while ash is here. Hoo-ray! So I have it today in a few hours and then I'm DONE!!!! YAY! No final paper, I'm jsut totally done! Except for the dinner party. Pooh. But that's far away and not for days

5.) I pseudo-bought JD's birthday present yesterday. In that he picked it and bid on it on Ebay and then informed me that I had just won him a birthday present. Lovely.

6.) Jyushin is my Lovey Friend

7.) I turned my eye are bee in yesterday. Sweet god i'm glad that's turned in. Also, I met with a potential slave yesterday and she's really nice and may just work out.

8.) K changed his mind and is picking me up from O'Hare now. Bwa haha. Raedy, whatcha doing on the 19th? Wanna hang out withme and Keith? Did you get your scarf yet? I'm still backordered on Mike's, but if he wants one I'll make it.

9.) I think I've bought coffee every single day this week. Ugh.

10.) JD officially put in notice at Rickkkkkenbaaaaaaacker today, and he starts his other job on the 20th? I think so. anyway, he's excited. I'm excited for him not to have to wake up so frigging early.

11.) I mailed some packages yesterday (melissa, jenny, be watching the mail on my birthday. how lame that Your shit arrives on My birthday) and ran some errands and bought some more vast quantities of yarn. I seriously, not kidding, have spent about $90 on yarn this year. I am ending that vicious cycle now, though. No more scarf requests are being taken. Unless you want a leftover color. and we'll have to see what gets leftover.

12.) I look like a thug today

13.) I've been looking for attractive purple gloves for about two months now. Still no luck. They have to kind of match my other purple accessories.

14.) I've had a bad headache for three days now. I am thinking it has to do with being a massive bitch for the three days prior to the headache.

15.) I need to go kill that paper's ass. Lates

It's Depressing Me To See You Struggle

Yhey-

1. jenny, you were right that the Pinback song, "Penelope," is good. I know you told me that like a year ago but I just now, thanks to JD making me a cd, got around to hearing it. I am adicktid

2.that I persuaded (and it always takes such vehement arm-twisting to persuade grad students) my friends to go get coffee with me after lunch where we ran into my other friends and then i was caffeinated enough not to hate my life during the extremely awful lahb meating i sometimes have to endure on mondays. note to self: store-bought coffee before class=good idea. whole pot of coffee drunk by self in office before class=bad idea.

3.i have this feeling i might be getting a digital camera for my birthday. which is cool since my friend E runs a photo lab and said he would get me prints at cost. which is like six cents. or something. for the whole memory card.

4.i got a free lunch

5.i have been productive for three days in a row

6.i got these fuzzy clogs the other day and they are still the cutest shoes ever and i love wearing them. and i keep thinking about how in high school nick brown said to me, "you know, i'm only really happy when I know that I have a new pair of shoes to wear to school the next day. nothing makes me happier. seriously." yet I still insisted on telling myself he liked girls for the longest time. sorry, nick, m'gaydar wasn't working so hot back then.

7. Ashleigh will be here in a week!!!!!

Neigh-

1. i had to go to lunch with the speeker today, but now that is done for the rest of the quarter.

2. ihave to go to LA in the am. with my prof, who is always a turd sandwich about making us do actual work.

3.no feedback on my awesome grant proposal yet.

4. no eye are bee turned in on my second year projeckt yet

5. i still have to give two talks at two different conferences, take two classes, collect data for three different projects, and write a masters thesis in january. 2005 can suck my nuts

6. in my shit-ass lab meating, there is this girl i totally hate. let's call her "Flindsay." Flindsay has to be the centre of attention at all times. She bothers me. JD is fond of saying that she looks like she got hit in the face with a shovel, but most people throughout her life have probably told her she is incredibly beautiful. She certainly acts like she's always been thought highly of. I personally can't stand her, more so now that I have begun feeling smugly superior to her as I pick up on the fact that her bullshit is really stemming from some deep-rooted insecurity problems. anyway, Flinz interrupted (knock knock. who's there. Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow---MOOOO. Best joke ever) lahb meating to say that she "accidentally" found out that her trust fund boyf is getting her an eye pod for Xmas. So then this happened:

J (the prof): What's an iPod?
Flinz: it's like a --
Me (interrupting): I have one, wanna see it?
J: Yeah! (I hand her mine)
Me: those things are great, i take it everywhere
J: But what does it do?
Flinz: It holds like a thousand songs and he thought i would need it since i'm always carrying my cds around to coffe shops with me when i read and stuff and--
Oz: you can take it to the gym and stuff, it's really handy
J: Oh yeah that would be great, i hate the music they play there
Me (to Flinz): you'll get adddicted to it
Flinz (directed at me but said to J): I don't mind lugging my cds around. It's just a lot of money to spend on something. And I was making fun of them and then Rone said he was getting me one, teehee. so i was like, no, i want one, i'll take it, but i do fine without it

Only later did I pick up on the insinuation that I am lame for having an iPod. What the FIZZUCK ever. This "it's just a lot of money to spend on something" coming from the girl who I have NEVER seen wear the saem outfit twice. I'm not kidding. And it's not because she mixes and matches so well. Fuck that Flinz bitch. I'll kill her with my bare hands.

7. Keith and I (PS, why does EVERYONE who has a name that starts with "K" call themselves "K" in signing things like emails?) had the following "exchange" last night:

Him: Hi, what are you doing?
Me: crocheting scarves
Him: Oh, ha, that's so weird. Did I tell you what Wendi was doing when I called her the other day?
Me (rolling eyes): No.
Him: She was knitting!
Me: God, the odds of that are....astronomically tiny
Him (ignoring me): and i asked what, and she didn't really know. So I said she should knit me a scarf, and she said she was actually planning on making me a scarf. Isnt' that weird? Then I'll have TWO scarves to wear!
Me: My ass you'll have two scarves. Go fuck yourself, I'm not making you a "backup" scarf.
Him: But I'll need both so I can see which I like better!
Me: No, fuck yourself, I'm not making you one. So therefore you're not getting an Xmas present. That actually helps me out cuz I have about sixteen more to make.
Him: Whine, whine whine
Me: No, fuck you for thinking you were going to get to compare the two handmade scarves and pick your favorite. A, that's retarded of you. B, I'm not in the mood for a handmade present competition with your ex girlfriend.
Him: I dont' want to pick you up from Chicago
Me: Really? That's what I want you to get me for my birthday AND it's the only favor I've asked you for in four years AND it would only mildly inconvenience you? Thanks!

*****EDITED FOR PMS PITY PARTY *************

Anyway. The good outweighed the bad. Sis, I'll try you later...wanna call g.ma? She goes in to the hospital for that last procedure tomorrow.

The Effects of Jabbing Your Finger Into Your Own Eyeball: A Meta-analytic Review

I have lots to say but basically am updating because I have just finished my Large Grant Proposal. Raedy knows what I'm talking aboot. The one I applied for last year and didn't get. That I'm reapplying for, to get. I just finished all the little bullshit essays you have to write about what you've done and why you're into science and what you want to do and I made JD read them all in the last couple days and I am pretty g.d. happy with them now. Who wants to read 'em? Huh?

Yeah, no takers, that's what I figured. Markedly better than last year's essay set. Whew.

So now I'm going to crank out the next thing on my to-do list. Which is a paper of massively lame proportions.

Wait, there is some other fun news:

I got sloshed at a champagne brunch on t-day with m'friends. That was very nice, very expensive.
I hung out with my cousin Evan yesterday. We did the driving tour of SoCal coastline.
Celeste, I highly recommend you ask for an iPod. they now make Photo iPods, which are out of my comprehension
JD hasn't had to work in the last three days.
We might see a movie tonight
Oh I saw Alexander Wednesday. Dont' see it.
Jenny, though I still have no idea what to get you for Xmas, JD's present is going to make you lose control of your bowels.
Is the airport express my birthday present, Xmas present, or that uber-lame December-birthday-having combination of both? Just out of curiosity.
I got fuzzy clog shoes today. Woot.
I have to pee.
We got the cat recyclable cat litter which looks like rabbit food and makes him very self-conscious of his bathroom habits.
We're finally today getting new neighbors diagonally downstairs from us

Don't Fool Yourself Into Thinking You're More Than A Man

*it's gorgeous and sunny and not at all Thanksgiving-esque here and I am hating it.

*My childhood class that met last week and had Scotch for us to drink met yesterday and had Sherry for us to drink. What the hell.

*Last night I was at the gym and about to get on a machine and had something of an "exchange" with a fucking bitch who was saving the elliptical next to her for her friend. Oh and the one two down from that for her friend's boyfriend. Here's how that went:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that one.
Me: What? (glaring)
Her: Yeah. She's taking that one. You can't have it.
Me: (nastiest conjurable face) Sure!

So then not three minutes later the one in between the friend and her boyfriend opened up and then I got on it and spent the majority of the time I was on it with my head turned 90 degrees, glaring as hard as I could at the bitch who had been rude to me in the first place. The whole time entertaining fantasies of what I shoudl have said, which goes like this:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that
Me: what the fuck ever. You can't save machines
Her: Yeah. She's taking that one. You can't have it.
Me: (elbow strike to her face)

or maybe just this:

Her: Uhm, she's going to take that
Me: (elbow strike to face)

Basically, I was ready to throw down and beat some walking eating disordered ass into the ground. I havent' felt that murderous in awhile. I know typing the exchange can't convey the absolute snottiness with which she informed me that she was a bigger bitch than me, but trust me, she was a total fucking bitch.

Then I realized I haven't had daydreams about starting a fight so vividly in a long time, since I would go out to bars with people in the martial arts program and the energy was so Bad Ninja and everyone wanted someone to start something so we could all hurt people. Hahahaha. I love pent-up rage. It makes me feel so alive.

Anyway. Nothing came of that. Except I'm getting pissed again thinking about it.

That's the great thing about Thanksgiving, isn't it? All the traffic and hate and unbridled indecency that rears up right before the holidays and doesn't dissipate until January? Yeah, really fucking awesome.

*But then also yesterday I went to my copy shop and I walked in (to mail some scarves!) and the guy goes, "hey you" to me. Not "hey," but "hey you," which made me feel so loved I could have ended my day right then. Good thing I went to the gym instead. Nice.

Have great turkey days. I might go buy some Mystery science theater to keep me entertained.

If You're A Ten, Chances Are You're With Him

You can't break dance on this picnic!

I'm fucking bored. I have class in an hour but I'm bored until then. I've run every administrative errand I can think of that I've procrastinated, I've written organizational emails that are wholly unnecessary detailing what I am going to have turned in to various professors after this weekend to hold myself accountable to my Grand Plan to bust it this weekend and not have to do shit for the rest of the quarter, I have written back to people who I owed emails to, I have written some of you and requested information that you have not yet provided, I have obtained signatures and I have made a new comp cd for myself and I have reviewed the material for class and I have neurotically checked off (that's not true. When i cross something off my to-do list, I scribble it into nonexistence) things on my to-do list that I can do without leaving campus and before my class is over, I have compiled stacks of things I will need over the long weekend to be most productive, I have straightened all the items on my desk several thousand times, I have already eaten my "lunch," I have made a list of things I need to do this evening (mail scarves to those of you whose are finished, watch Harry Pottser, go buy some software from the bookstore, crochet a bunch of scarves, go to the gym), I have even convinced myself that I can get enough done today to irrelevate my coming in tomorrow.

I'm bored.

I want to say, also, that at first I was going to lambast you all for not signing up for the Kwaanza message board, but since it's eaten my last three posts and made me resign up twice, I will not be too surprised if you guys actually were just not able to sign up for it. So. You should all still apologize to Raedy. Maybe we'll work this out via email instead.

You know what I want for presents this year? Fiction. Lots of fiction to read that you guys think is worthwhile. I haven't read something for pleasure all quarter. Which is mostly because I cant' read and crochet at the same time. Drat.

Ok, I'm too bored to post anything interesting. The following people need to tell me some scarf colors before they get something nasty:

Chris Daniels
Toni

thank you.

Actually, since you two didnt' even request a scarf, and may not read this at all, I wont' make you a scarf unless you ask for one. Hmmpf

Time to go. Gawd, I wish I had brought some nice crochet to work on. I can't believe how bored I am in this calm before the storm. Suck suck suck.

That's What I Thought

*You have (almost) all received an email from me today inviting you to join the Kwaanza Planning Message Board. Please comment profusely when you have time.

*I have, since three weeks ago, completed six different scarves, variously with and without tassels. I think I still have six or so left to make, but I should have time. We are all going to match like retarded dorky twinkies.

*JD and I have sold out and decided to go with our friends Kristin and Eric to a sham pain brunch at the Hilt Inn on thansgiving instead of bothering to cook for ourselves. Which I am looking forward to mainly because they have all-you-can-drink sham pain. I plan to make a really lame toast about wanting "real pain for my sham friends and sham pain for my real friends" once I've had a couple too many.

*I was driving home from campus Friday, like I always do from the top floor of the parking garage. You continuously make right turns to go down in the parking garage. At some point I cut it a leeeeetle too close and ran my car into a wall. No, I'm not kidding. Somehow I rammed the back passenger side into a concrete barrier. It made a really loud noise, scaring the shit out of the pedestrians who were walking on this floor, but I took a quick glance in my rearview mirror to make sure nothing was hanging off the car, and then I pretended nothing had happened and drove the rest of the way home. When I got home I checked out the damage. hahahahahaha. I am such a genius. It's not that bad, but I definitely cracked the shit out of the saturn-plastic body of my car in, like eight places. I might take photos of this geniusness and post them.

*Not ten minutes after running my car into a wall, I came into my apartment, flung open the sliding glass door, and broke that too. When I flung it open the little plastic toggle that locks and unlocks it slammed into the frame and popped off. Sigh.

*We found a movie theater that has $3.50 evening student prices. On first run movies. We almost crapped our pants that was so exciting. So we saw the Incredibles. That was awesome.

*I have also, as of this weekend, sampled every single local and national chain coffee shop in the irvine area. so when you come to visit I can tell you what's typically sweeter, or gross, or overpriced (all of them), etc.

*Then we went driving around Friday night and I anally planned ashleigh's itinerary for while she's here so that she doesnt' waste an ounce of time being bored while I or JD have stupid responsibilities to tend to. Then when we got home I wrote it all out. And it is now on the fridge. Yikes, i know.

*Yesterday I realized I have shopping bulimia. Some of you may have known this about me for years. Anyway, upon purchasing several items yesterday, like man-hating boots and some replacement jeans (because for some reason all of my jeans eventually develop a big ass hole on the left knee. I dont' understand that), I came home and purged my closet of all it's ill-fitting, uncomfortable shlock. So, I might post photos of clothes I intend to get rid of, and if you like something you can request I send it to you along with the scarf. Ok? I'll do that later though.

*Then last night I was fast asleep, and I have a bedside table that is actually a lingerie chest, so it's a tall skinny dresser rright by the bed. I don't usually mind that the top is way up high. So like I said, I'm fast asleep and then I wake up gasping because the cat got on top of the dresser and knocked a glass of cold ass water directly onto me. It was a direct fucking hit. Me freaking out woke JD up and then we had to strip the sheets off the bedbecause they were soaked and I had to change clothes and then I stuck the cat in the bathroom because he's a bitch. So then every twenty minutes for the rest ofthe night he jumped at the door handle enough to free himself, which then required me to get up and shut him out of the bedroom again, to which he responded by freing himself again, etc. I didnt' sleep very well. I either dreamed or remember yelling at JD that it was his fucking turn to deal with the cat at 6am or so but he didn't get up. Something tells me if we have babies it will also go something like that. Sigh.

*we ate at this restaurant yesterday that had baked acorn squash as a seasonal vegetable side dish. Which I got. Which was about the most delicious thing I have ever eaten. for serious.

*there's a what not to wear marathon on the day after t-day. Rest assured i will be watching that whilst I crank out five separate papers, not shopping. Also, how jealous am I that someone is getting a $50,000 WNTW wardrobe on some special show in December. Man. why dont' you guys nominate me!? I totally dress like an old man.

*Go post on the Kwaaanzaaa board.

My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

Virus= Very Yes

hahahahahaha, I love strongbad. I totally forgot about that site. Lovely.

I'm in a better, less angsty mood now. I decided that i can just roll like that. It is, you see, how I roll. I have to pay the gas bill for this month. It is exactly eight cents. Tell me that's not retarded. I kind of want to call them and make sure they realize they've billed us for eight cents. Maybe they could roll it over to next month and not bother me with these silly details? Yeah I can't believe I have to waste a check and a thirty four cent stamp to pay it.

I didnt' realize the cat was sleeping under the table and I just kicked him. Hard. Oops. Sorry, catface.

I just wanted to say "virus = very yes" and alert you all to the strongbad site. Good god I'm dull.

I Never Saw Rainbows In My Wine

I am going to slit my wrists. No, not really. But I feel like I'm seriously drowning. I need to get a fucking handle on my fucking shit, NOW. I am so annoying myself.

So I have a lot to do. Right, that's like, a given. I just had a meeting in which my professor vetoed my genius plan to only take one class next quarter. Unfortunately, there's only one even passably interesting class. Which means I'm going to be in at least two bullshit classes. Kind of like this quarter.

Sigh.

Which, come to think of it, this quarter and it's ridiculous horseshit approach to quartering are pissing me off. I'm just really negative about all this bullshit. It would probably help if I got some shit finished, got some shit under my intellectual belt, or otherwise started applying my lazy ass instead of whining. But right now, I just want to feel sorry for myself. That sucks that all I do is whine.

Mostly I just update this thing when I feel like whining. So you guys who don't probably care get the brunt of it. Yipes, that's unattractive.

Hahahahahah.

I went to LA today, and B drove, and she was PMSing and driving really weird, and I almost got sick in her car I was so nauseous by the time we got back. So I ate some pretzels and fell asleep until I had this blasted meeting. I just really really wanted to not have to take anything next quarter. I was fantasizing about it. But, alas.

I need to fucking grow some balls. Or something. I hate that grad school seems to be more about how much self-doubt and ambiguity you can personally endure than how well you do. I really think the point is to make you question every goddamn thing you think or say or do. At least, that's what it's become for me. Ha.

Alright, fuck it.

I am making a concerted effort starting now to amend my badditude to better reflect what I should feel as a grad student. Which means I need to start doing a better job of not complaining like this on my blog. Which no one reads or comments on anymore because it's so self-indulgently boring. I apologize. Formally.

With conviction. With purpose.

Can we please start planning Kwaanza? I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

It's Just Enough To Know It's There

So. Kay.

I am sitting in my literal tower, ostensibly completing my to-do list for today, and I am going to have to admit that I am slightly too tipsy to do so effectively. I just came from a party for the new fakultee and students and I thought it was going to suck, but a few of us with the same cheery outlook on life and forced socializing made beelines for the free wine, classed up the joint by mixing various types of chardonnay in our classy plastic cups, and after a little while I was having a grand old time and I love all of them

Really, though, it's totally fucking cool to be laughing my ass off with people who aren't my usual clique and to feel really comfortable with a lot of the older students and to know that they're good people and to make plans to go "out" with some of them that I havent' hung out with before because we enjoy hanging around each other so much.

And I came up with this brilliant idea last week (whilst entertaining this visiting speaker from the east coast (killaz!) at lunch) with another girl that we need to have regular wine and cheese partays. And she ran with it and organized all this shit. So I'm a genius face. They have a book club now but I'm not into reading to discuss it when it's not absolutely mandatory. Other than that, we never hang out. So that was rocking

Raedy and I had the year's first official meeting of the Breakdown Club on the phone last night. No actual tears were shed, but it helps to get perspective. My grad school life is not hard. Sometimes I forget what a cakewalk it is to NOT be at Cornellll, Umish, or Uchikago. Am I only cheating myself? Maybe, but I don't fucking care. Anywya, I heart Raedy and we're gonna be roommates ONCE MORE at this bane of my existence that's happening in april

Also, i noticed that stacey updated. And since she only does so with good reason, we ALL NEED TO START PLANNING KWAANZA. What days will you all be in town? I wil be in Evansville at least from Xmas to New Years. Havent' figured out yet how long I'll spend in Chitown at the end of the visit, but prob a couple days leeway on either side.

So what's it gonna be? I can't wait to see everyone. Those of you who haven't requested scarves are missing out.

Let's figure it all out in my comments section. Now I want to try to break the record of 65 comments. Starting....now.

hahaha yeah right no one ever comments on this p.o.s.

1000 Nights or More, I Travel East and North

Crap. I woke up and checked my email and the first news-related item I see is that O.D.B. died last night. NOOOOO!!! That sucks so bad, I LOVE him. He was only 35, sniff. So it's going to be one of those days where a bunch of people I like but don't know die mysteriously. Shit, that so sucks.

I have a very lot of work to do today. That I don't want to do. I'm starting to get paralyzed by anxiety with the end of the quarter fast approaching. And I know there are some things I won't be able to do this quarter, and I know it's perfectly reasonable to admit that and be ok with it, but I'm worried about the next 7.5 months like you wouldnt' believe.

I just want to scream that I don't have time/inclination to go out to lunch with this or that visiting speaker or do all this extra work for this thing I'm not really interested in and if the 1st years actually show up to the party tomorrow for the 1st years I'll definitely be there but since I don't even know where the allumnye centre is, why should they?

But I think I might only be taking one class next quarter. Which would free up most of my time to collect the necessary data for these projects, and hopefully would allow me to get enough done that I'm not panicking anymore. We'll see about that. I need to make a giant neurotic timeline schedule of when shit needs to get done for my peace of mind. I think I'll do that first thing today.

I'm eating vegan beef jerky. It's kind of strange. I can't say that I ever liked normal beef jerky.

So I'll get right on those scarves, people.

Man, I've been sick for the last week and now it's definitely going away, but I haven't wanted to go to the gym or do any kind of exercise so my muscles are all atrophied and if I go tonight it's going to hurt real bad. Oh well.

I wish it was next week, so that I could have a couple days of class and then it would be a five-day break for thanksgiving. I just happen not to have anything to do on Wednesday either. So I intend to get quite a bit of work done then, but I guess I can't really put it off until then. I don't want to do this week. It just seems so daunting for some reason.

I do, despite all my bitching, love quarters, and love being on quarters instead of semesters. Weeks fly by when there's only 10 of them. And holy shit it's week 8 tomorrow. Which means that Ashleigh's going to be here in 3 weeks. And that I'm goign to the midwest in 5 weeks. I think once we hit thanksgiving it'll be a blur.

god, I'm so boring. too bad. deal with my boring ness.

My downstairs neighbors introduced one of themselves to us last night by ringing the doorbell and announcing that they were having some friends over form out of town so if they ever got too loud we could feel free to tell them to knock it off. And he gave his cell phone # to jd. so's we could call if the noise got out of hand, presumably.

So we left and came home a few hours later and there was a cop car sitting right out front and the downstairs neighbors' apt was completely dark and allllll the blinds were closed. But there were like 900 pairs of shoes outside on the patio. So I guessed that they were hiding form the cop. Like, pretending not to be there and shit. And then a few mintues later we heard all kinds of running footsteps and their patio door slamming and we figured we guessed right. hahahahaha. That's rich.

We went to this vegetarian restuarant last night. Oh, it's so delicious. I love fake meat. I about crapped my pants it was so good. And then we went to borders, where they closed early, and then we went and saw Birth. Which I hadn't had any desire to see. But we wanted to see something. And that was our best bet. So we saw that. It was weird. Afterward, JD heard some old lady across the theater say, "that was pretty gay!" really loud and angrily. That was funny. We had trouble keeping straight faces through some of the more incestuous scenes. Oh and there's this one part where nicole kidman is sitting in a bathtub and her back is to the camera and jd leaned over and goes, "i didnt' know hilary swank was in this" and I didnt' think it was funny, and after the movie he explains that he thought nicole kidman sitting in the bathtub was the little boy in the movie. So the hillary swank joke should have been funny. Whatev.

Anyway, we're children. We can't not giggle. Too bad.

But we were out celebrating the fact that jd decided to take the job at the center, which he made official by telling the center that, and sometime soon he should be done with getting up at 4:30 and always being tired and working 60 hours a week and only having one day off and having shitty health insurance and being verbally assaulted by the anti-gringo task force and coming home smelling like chemicals and having super glue all over himself and it's going to be fantastic.

He's going to need some dress clothes too, whee!

God, I am so boring. I took a page from Jenny's list-making blog update book.

I need to go take a shower. I am dirrrrrrrty.

Laters!

I Hope You Can Feel This

Ok. I'm not kidding, you all need to tell me what color scarf you prefer. In the lobby. comments section lobby. Your choices right now are:

light urple
charcoal
royal blue
emerald green

or after I raid the fabric store again

beige
white with speckles
dark red
dark purple
black

So, let me know. It turns out, as I've already made a shitload of them, that it really only takes me a couple hours per scarf. I wish wish wish I could make mittens or hats, but alas, I am really not that good. Sign up for colors or you'll have to take what I assign you. Which may or may not please you. Oh, and don't worry about getting me a present in return. Yarn costs, like, four bucks. Buy me a drink if you want a scarf. Ok? Yes, lovely. And actually, they are turning out to be Much Nicer than the scarves I made a couple years ago, so don't worry about looking like a walking Fashion Don't. Plus, they're made with love. So who wants one? Come on, people, fuel my ridiculous compulsion. I need to channel nervous energy into something, and creating something is proving to be a really therapeutic outlet for me.

I'm totally serious, I'll happily make one for everyone who reads this. Just tell me what color you want, and whether or not you want tassels on the end (they look cute, dont' worry, even for dudes).

Thanxxx

Oh and I don't feel any better yet, thanks for asking

Lovels

All Over My Teeth

Get OUT of your car, you lazy honking jackass! There is someone outside honking who has been honking for six minutes and is continuously honking but leaning on different parts of the horn so in essence he or she is playing a really awful tune that is making my skin crawl. No amount of shouting in my living room seems to ba able to shut him or her up. Gawd.

I am really feeling under the weather and am in a bad way of wanting constant attention and pandering-to and am not getting it and have a lot of work to do but just want to sleep and sit around being tended to by my healthy boyfriend. I am so lame when I'm sick. I am such a whiny little retard. I dont' want to do mah waahrk

Ok, I am done pouting about having something potentially career-enhancing happen to me. That was lame of me and I apologize. I just was counting on it being rejected. However, I got confirmation of what I've suspected for weeks with another project I'm writing up today that no, in fact, it won't be ready for submission by the deadline I set that would most benefit me on another project, so I am pretty pissed off. Only because this is the same professor who likes to dangle ridiculous carrots and then yank them away once you're too entrenched in whatever she bribed you to do to back out. I'm getting a little sick of it, frankly, and since her favorite thing about me is my "directness" I don't think I'll be able to stop myself from informing her that she needs to cut the shit.

That did, however, move said project to the Very Bottom of my list of priorities, which takes some of the pressure off me to write that and allows me to write the billionty other things that weren't getting done because of it. So, whatever, I'm annoyed but I guess it all works out. Such is the life of a researcher. Ha.

So in other, more interesting news, JD got an offer from his second job (he's been under consideration for several different positions that are opening up there that are full time) yesterday. And it's big. fat. adult. money. It has been a crazy week for him, job-wise. I'll keep you all posted on what he decides to do. There are pros and cons both ways. Either full-time job will now allow him to quit the second, and still have way more free time than he's had for the last year. I'm fucking thrilled, it's great, and it's a giant relief.

Anyway. I have shit to get done. Sigh.

Some Water, Please

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUCKK!!! FUCKING SHIT FUCK FUCK!!!

1.) I called the other day to schedule a loooooong-overdue gyno appointment. I have me planner open and I'm seeing that Friday of this week looks good and I've durn well procrastinated long enough, and I open my mouth to request Friday and this conversation happens instead:

Receptionist: Do you want a male or a female doctor?
Me:(shuddering, remembering how creepy it was that the 1st one I went to was the obsetrician who delivered me) I'd prefer a female
Receptionist: Ok, let's see........ the soonest you can see a female doctor is......... next year.
Me (spit take): What?! Next YEAR?!?!
Recptionist: Yep. Actually, February is probably the soonest. But a male doctor can see you in December.
Me: I'll wait until February
Her: Ok, then we only have Mondays and Fridays available.
Me: Friday, please
Her: Friday February 11th is the soonest. What time?


I have to wait THREE MONTHS to see the girl doctor? Since WHEN???? Damn.

2.) JD and I went to Ikea this weekend and finally bought a light fixtuee to replace the incredibly seventies, incredibly ugly-ass light hanging in the dining room. That we joked around about with the leasning guy when we moved in. That he actually said, "oh what, you want to change out that ugly ass light? Why? Are you serious? No, I'm just kidding I would expect you to want to change it out. Maintenance will do it for you"

So I called last night to put in a request for them to come do that today. Today I came back from LA and they had done otehr stuff but not that. A note told me that they thought I meant to change the lightbulb in it, though I thought I made it clear. So I called the office again, and had this conversation:

Me: Hi, I need to make a service order, i'm in blah blha
Margot: Are you a resident?
Me: Yes, I'm in blah blah
Margot: Are you on the lease?
Me: Yes.
Margot: And ok, what apartment are you in?
Me: blah. blah.
Margot: And what can I help you with today?
Me: i need the maintenance people to come change out my light fixture for a different one. Not change the bulb, but change the fixture.
Margot: *pause* Ok, they could come take it down for you, but you'd have to get someone...you'd have to have someone do the rest for you.
Me: ok, in that case, I can take it down myself. It just unscrews, right?
Margot: Uhh. Yeah but you can't get rid of it!
Me: I know, I'll just store it somewhere.
Margot: Well, You can bring it down here and have maintenace store it here for you
Me: Ok, great, thanks. Bye bye
Margot: Ok, thanks Liz Bye!

Then I sit down and crochet frantically, which is all I've done for three days, and a few mintues later my phone rings.

Me: Hello?
Margot: Hi, Liz? Is this Liz? This is Margot from the office
Me: Yeah, hello.
Margot: I just talked to maintenance and since there is asbestos in your ceiling, it's not safe for you to change and it's not safe for them to change, so it's going to have to stay there. It says so in your lease.
Me: (knowing full well it does NOT say our light fixture is blocking asbestos release in our lease) Oh? When did you guys find out about the asbestos?
Margot: Huh
Me: Because they told us when we moved in, Before we signed the lease, that it would be no problem to switch out the fixture, and that they would do it for us
Margot: *silence*
Me: So I just wondered when that changed
Margot: Well, I cant' be responsible for what they told you that was wrong.
Me:
Margot:
Me:
Margot:
Me: Ok, thanks, bye bye.

So now I have to take that stupid light fixture back. Which is going to kill a whole fucking day. There's nowhere else to put it in this apartment. Oooh, and I hate that gold seventies bullshit that's in there now and forever.

So then I got online and looked up asbestos, because my downstairs neighbors didn't apparently ask before they switched out their own light fixture, and I want to know how likely it is that I'm going to die because I live above retards.

And if "margot" had just explained it to me, I wouldn't have had such a testy conversation with her today. It turns out, as many of you may know, that asbestos is relatively "harmless" so long as you dont' disturb it. So that's fine, I can live with the light looking totally out of place. But also, I learned that "damage" to an asbestos-addled substance, say, my ceiling, can be bad. And it's been raining here, and basically every time it rains a new water damage spot appears on the ceiling in the bedroom riiiight above the bed. We can count how many times it's rained since we lived here. And water damage is one of the things mentioned as being bad. And I went to bed with wet hair two nights ago, and probably gave myself pneumonia, but I'm sick today and havent' been able to sleep soundly in there because it's been so dry and weird. Even though it's been raingin, it's dry. I'm, of course, convinced that I have asbestos poisoning and will be sick liek this the rest of my life.

3.) Today in LA, the sassy undergrad who meets us from USC didnt' show up. And my friend A went with the express purpose of yelling at this undergrad today, so she was double pissed that D (the undergrad) didnt' show up. D wears see-through white skirts with sparkly blue thongs that you can both see through the skirt and above it as she pulls the sides over her hips in that really classy way, and always her shoes are something that gives us fits. Usually they involve a five-inch lucite heel, or some denim patchwork, but always they are IN A PPROPRIATE. Basically she is inappropriately dressed every time she meets us. Which compromises our whole study, especially BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE IS TWELVE AND THE DAYCARE WORKERS THINK SHE IS THERE TO ATTEND HER HEARING AND DONT LET HER OUT OF THEIR SIGHT

So there was some drama with her sassing us today.

4.) Then, and this is related, I came home, fought with Margot, took a looong nap, and then woke up to check my email. In my email is a notice that my first-authored conferrrrince submissshin that I was PRAYING would be rejected like the one that has my name fourth on it was, the submisshin that I have to PRESENT at the BIGGEST DEVLOPMENTASHALA CONFIRRENCE because my name is first, I HAVE TO GIVE THE DAMN TALK,

GOT ACCEPTED.

WHHHHAT THE FUUUUCK!?!?!?!?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

shit sht shit shti sthisthsithsithsith sithstihstihstih stishtisht

sith sith sith
Let me remind you why this causes more stress than I woudl like:

I HAVE NO DATA. in three months we have collected TWELVE subjects.

I HAVE TO COLLECT DATA FOR MY 2nd yir project. WHICH IS ALSO GOING TO BE A RACE AGAINST TIME TO GET DONE AND PRESENTED BY APRIL

We havent' started collecting part of the data. I don't know if eye are Bee has even approved it yet.

THIS MEANS I HAVE TO WRITE A TALK AND GIVE IT BY MYSELF ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY SEPARATE FROM ALL THE OTHER SHIT I'M WORKING ON. WHICH IS A LOT OF EXTRA WORK. NOT TO MENTION SOMETHING I WILL FREAK THE FUCK OUT ABOUT FROM NOW UNTIL IT'S OVER

I'm going to aim to be slitting my wrists....now. Some empathy would be appreciated.

It Could Will Be A Cold Night For A Long Time

Yes, it's Sunday. I'm turning into my mother as I notice that I typically spend Sundays watching endless numbers of shitty movies on tv. At least I avoid the Lifetime channel. Today I've watched Just Married (don't ask me why, I know it's lame, but I think that movie is funny. don't tell anyone), Dirty Dancing, and now I'm watching Iron Jawed Angels. Again. all of these I've seen before. And with the exception of the first, none are all that lame.

Plus I just heard this quote:

"when it comes to oranges and women, bravery is often mistaken for insanity," from the HBO movie

that I liked.

So lesseeee. This weekend I did the following:

* kicked JD in the nuts. Hard. On accident, but square in the nuts. How did this happen? I was miming kicking him in the nuts and I misjudged the distance. Yes, I know. I felt bad.

* bought several skeins of yarn with which to make you all Xmas presents that you will inevitably hate. Please let me know your color preferences.

* had celebratory dinner party fun time for jd's raise on friday

* had a fantastic time with my friends last night wherein we went to a "jazz" club that's in a really cool restaurant and we first came over here and the six of us drank about 5 bottles of wine and I got to entertain and feel domestic, which was kind of nice. I'm being domestic more and more lately. Ha.

* called Keith last night at 4:30am his time with the sole intention of leaving him a voicemail of me going, "I'm Rick James, Bitch" in my best Dave Chapelle imitation. Unfortunately, he answered his phone, only to have me laugh hysterically for about three minutes before I could apologize for waking him up

and some other stuff but I dont' feel like typing. My cat is freaking out. I need to go do some crochet. Woo hoo.
Yeah, "sorry" this is so trite

I Won't Always Love These Selfish Things

Ok. So.

We elected Turd Sandwich (I am referring to the president as Turd Sandwich for the duration) the other day. Great. I'm done pouting about it but I still don't get it. O wonder how many domestic terrorist groups this will inspire. With assault rifles. Provided by K. Thanks, K!

I don't know why I watch the View. It always makes me feel murderous rage. Especially when they have a fashion show. Sigh.

So JD called me this morning from work to tell me that his big boss at Rikkkkkenbocher told him that he put in for a raise for him, and is making it retroactive through last pay period because he meant to do it sooner, and just as JD was about to be like, oh, that's nice that it's retroactive but you dont have to do that (because he was assuming it would be a quarter, or something), his boss tell him how much of a raise it it. Holy. Shit. He got a 78% raise from this place. And he's up/interviewing for full time lead positions at his other job. Hmmm. But now he could quit his second job entirely and still make more than he did with them both combined. I'm fucking ecstatic. We're going to have to celebrate Friday. Provided women are still allowed to go out in public without covering our faces.

So I finished pouting all day yesterday and then came home and got a Halloween card from Ashleigh with photos in it!!! YAY!! Thank you ashpee, that made me so happy.

And we got this flier in a money mailer coupon thing for plane tickets to Hawaii being $300 in winter quarter. We might go. Oh, and also there was a coupon for flights to europe for $499, which we might also use. Who wants to go see Slint in February in England, huh? Come on people, it's not THAT many thousands of dollars.

I also got that fat student loan finally the other day. I believe it was Tuesday. So now I'm trying hard to exercise willpower and not do anything crazy. Like defect to Vancouver. I'm tempted to start applying for Fullbright positions across the pond. Anygay.

I have a headache, a lame class, a shitload of work, and a frustrating parking situation to look forward to today. I also need to shower, eat breakfast (it's still morning here, bitches!) and put clothes on. And take my prideful "I Voted" sticker off my bag. And the Election Day pin that's affixed next to it.

I forgot to say yesterday that Cali passed some cool shit, even if the rest of the country choked on its own vomit. Oh and good job Indiana on electing Bayh. (really)

Hey, local news, stop calling this presidency a clear mandate.

So we passed a stem cell research proposition, which lets scientists do reseach without getting thrown in jail, so that's nice. We also didnt' fuck over the Native Americans one more time, which made me happy. We got some money for building children's hospitals and helping mental illness by taxing people who make over a million bucks a year, so that was good too. And our senator, the very lovely and democratic Barbara Boxxxer, is pro-women's rights even in her tv spots. Woohoo.

Not that she or Evan B will have any say in anything since the rightwing has somehow fearmongered their way into a gigantic majority.

I need some coffee or myhead will explode. LOVELS!

This Plane Is Definitely Crashing

Holy. Shit.

I keep almost crying and then I forget about it for a second and then I pass someone else who looks like they're about to cry (it's a nice change, this living in California thing) and then I remember and almost cry some more. I just got out of a grad seminar where it was extremely obvious that many many people had been up all night crying their eyes out. The whole department is hushed and no one is making eye contact, and my friend Kristin came into class and burst into tears and though there were some other reasons on top of this Colossal Bullshit it had something to do with this too.

Then in the break of that class we turned a tv on, just in time to catch the beginning of Kerry's concession speech. Which caused a lot of sniveling among us. And then I could do naught but pout the rest of the class. We had a brief discussion in which one of the girls reminded all of us that this means Roe V. Wade is trashed, and there's a rumor that W wants to appoint Clarence Thomas to head justice. I want to slash my wrists. I want to bolt for canada, but I know they're not letting us in. My class actually talked about how Canada won't have us. No one would, and can you fucking blame them? We re-elected that fucking retard. I can't bear to check the guardian's website today.

I can't believe this. The fucking popular vote? From the people who got stomped on the most by this piece of shit administration? What the fuck are they thinking? MORAL VALUES is the most important thing to vote on?!?!?!? Kerry wasn't going to imoralize this country! Just say it, you fucking heartland bastards. You voted on gay marriage (and ps, WTF is this unanimous rejection thing about?!) and abortion and who's the loudest about being a christian lunatic. I hate this.

I hate that map, of allllll the red in the middle. I want to secede. This makes me want to rethink my entire life plan. Where was the goddamn youth vote? I thought P. Diddy had that covered! I'm going to cry if I don't stop thinking about it. The Supreme Court thing especially. And fuck, anything having to do with women's rights. Get your free specch in now, ladies, you won't have it for long. This offensive blog will probably have to go. Along with

GOD DAMMIT. This is so embarrassing. And the Republicans have control of everything. By a lot. What the fuck are we all supposed to do? We're already as far from the middle of that fucking map as possible. And it's not like there aren't people trapped in that fucking red blob who tried. but christ, people, what the fuck happened? I was so optimistic yesterday. I just need to lay down and sleep for the next four years. I'm going to either hibernate or move to europe. It's not just that he won, it's that he won by a lot, and that means there are more people who want to rollback everything decent about the last forty years (slavery probably included) than there are who bother to pay any kind of attention to anything at all that happens in reality.

Listen to me, I have nothing to say. Don't look at me, stop looking at me don't look at me don't look at me EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME I'M SO PRETTY EVERYBODY LOOK

I'm going to go have an abortion now jsut because I can.

I Hope For Better In November

ha, deliciously trite. How I adore you. How I revel in your meaninglessness.

I am now faced with the daunting task of trying to find enough random household items to fill a box to mail to Stacey. I love this sort of bullshit mental exercise. If I could make a career of doing exactly that, I would. Or of making mermaids out of construction paper.

I will get to the random item task later.

What did I do this weekend? Oh, you'll be so glad you asked. A fat lot of nothing. Friday I got so much done in the morning that I decided to take the rest of the weekend (except for tonight, which hasn't technically arrived yet) off to horse around instead of bothering to think about school. So I came home, watched tv for a few hours, got irrationally mad at JD when he was 3 hours late coming home from work because i thought he had probably died when he didn't answer his celly, went to Disneyland with him and my friend Jenn, went to IHOP after the park closed, and then came back and slept a ridiculously long time.

Then yesterday I drank coffee and got pretty pissed off at someone for leaving a shitty comment about how boring and self-important I and this blog are for not being entertaining enough, and though that someone did so anonymously, my sitemeter detective skills have allowed me to figure out who it was. I don't get it. Whatever, though, i guess I'm a massive bitch to people all the time and don't realize it so it's ok to say whatever shit you want.

Then immediately after that the postman rang the doorbell, but JD and I were sitting around in our pajamas (read: undies) and neither of us wanted to answer the door. So I tiptoed over and peeked through the peephole and couldn't see anyone. So we waited awhile and then opened the door and there was this delightfully ghetto looking package sitting there. Yay, from Stacey, yay. And I thought she was just sending me her doubles from this summer. Nothing is as nice as surprise packages full of crap.

Still no trick-or-treaters.

So then I made JD go shopping with me. and shop we did. I'm no good with financial responsibility. But importantly, I got some things I have been desperately needing, like a belt. So could you all stop making fun of my saggy ass old man pants now, please. Thanx

Also, I got some new undies. In some festive new colors. shut up, I haven't bought undies in a long time. So that was good. And an all-day committment. But I got it out of my system, hopefully until Ashleigh is here, and HOLY SHIT that's only a month or so away. YAY!!!!!! I'm so excited already.

We also ate Indian food and then later pizza. Yeah I know, I'm still explosively full from all that. I'm Special! Barf!

And either I am becoming a giant fat ass without noticing (entirely possible) or stores are "adjusting" their jean sizes to make me feel like I am becoming a giant fat ass. Weird that trousers/pants from one store fit me (still) perfectly in the size I thought I was/am but the jeans from the same store are at least a couple sizes too small. Is that chub-hanging-over-the-waistband look that's so popular with teenage girls who are desperate to squeeze into a certain size the new "thing?" I hope not. That'll teach me to live in Orange County. Back to the Batcave for a meeting of the I Hate Pants Society.

So then we watched SNL and I laughed hysterically at the part where "elton john" made fun of ashlee simpson for sucking. Way to go Horatio.

Then today I slept in like a lazy ass bitch and then talked to my mom and then cut up photos Stace sent me to put in my photo album and went to meet JD for lunch and then came home and saw my friend Jenn, dressed like Dorothy from the Wizzarrd Of Ozzz, leaving my apartemnt. I laughed quite a bit at this too. And she was on her way to babysit but had wanted to drop off a "halloween treat" for us. What a sweetie. So on my doorstep are cuuuuuuute cutey cute cute cute halloween cookies!!! YAY!!!! I LOVE COOKIES!!! SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!! WHEEEEE!!! Barf.

So then I pretended I was going to do work and then called all of you and left voicemails, since no one answered their g. d. phone or was otherwise home.

Still no trick-or-treaters. Shame on those of you hiding from them. I wish we had them so I could give them all the candy we have.

Stacey and I are wanting to plan another Kwaanza dinner. Who's game? Or hanukah, or whatever.
This time change is freaking my shit out. It's dark and 5pm now. Lame. Barf!

Ok, gotta go work on the box of crap (sound of crap) now. Lovels. Mostly. Some spite mixed in, but mostly Halloween kisses for my sweet friends, eeeeeeeee!!!!

I'll Stab You In The Face

Please, allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to those of you who find my blog to be somehow below your intellectual expectations. I find it kind of hard to believe that there are people who A. Hate Me, and B. Think My Blog Is Stupid yet C. Insist on Reading it, Probably Every Day, in case I say something so incredibly offensive in its pedestrian nature that they can set themselves to the task of creating the world's most perfectly scathing retort, in the form of an anonymous comment on Mel's secret blog. Please, sir or madam, let me personally express to you how abysmally sad it makes me to know that you have nothing better to do than read my blog and get upset about it, and probably never will. I'm special. Barf.

Now, in other news, I just got a package from Stace to the Face. Full of DELIGHT! I'm special. Barf!

Here is what the package contained (WARNING! MAY INCLUDE THINGS THAT YOU FIND BORING OR OTHERWISE INSIGNIFICANT! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO BE DOING! I'M SPECIAL! BARF!)

-tea bags
-cat treats for Jyushin (oooh! Kitties are so so so so so so so cute!!! I HEART THEM SO MUCH AND THEY'RE SO CUUUUUUTE)
-a videotape called, "How To Get Great Results With Nads"
- sparkly "flirt" sticker
-A WWF Austin 3:16 air freshener
-fruit snacks
-cookies, wheeeee!!!
-pencils
-pencil grippers
-NKOTB party invites (where the F did you get those?!)
-a black belt homie
-anatomical template tracing stuff, hahahahahahahah
-photos from the last fifteen years. Hoo-ray

So Stace, I love you so much. I'll be calling you tomorrow. If the cookies are good, I mean. If not, well....we'll see.

OH MAN I AM SUCH A BITCH!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I'M SPECIAL!!! BARF!


Hahahah, BARF isnt' that a funny word? Oh it's so so true.

The Things We Think Might Be The Same

So. Thank you, Tim, for your suggestion to stick the cd-rom into my cd-rom slot. Is it my imagination today, or did the iTunes update just improve the sound quality coming through my powerbook's shitty-esque factory speakers. My office is not yet so pimp that I have external speakers for m'self yet. Give it, oh, until I get somewhere in the ballpark of thousands of dollars wired into my checking account on Monday. Who wants to go to Baja with me? Ehh?

I just got to campus. Yeah, part of that was sheer laziness and an overpowering need to sleep until 10am, part was not wanting to fight the honda-driving bitch undergrads for parking until I figured they were all back to the bars. It IS nearly 2:30pm, you know.

Speaking of my car. It's been weird and stormy here lately, and for one of these night storms I had no luck finding a good parking spot in front of my apt, so I parked under a tree that houses these spectacularly large birds that are either condors or vultures or something HUGE and creepy. Anyway. So I had noticed that my car seemed especially covered-in-shit after parking under there, but only today did I realize that what seems to have happened when it stormed was that all the big ass birds swooped down to the hood of my car and proceeded to have abortions all over it. Or something just as gross happened, and I am actually thinking that baby birds may have actually Fallen out of these massive trees and squished onto my car. There's some weird ass shit that looks like hardened goo along with some downy looking feathers all over the place. Oh, and it smells. Bad. It smells like murder.

I think I may actually take it to a carwash tomorrow. Like, I'm not going to wash it myself (and by that I mean drive to the hand wash place so JD can do it for me....even though I always say I'll do it, how chivalrous), I'm not going to touch whatever the fuck is on my car, I am going to let some illegal immigrants scrape off the vulture embryo. Fuck, I am going to throw up that's so gross. But I'm not making it up.

I have a class in about an hour. I hate classes that go until 6:30. It feels like it's six hours long. And when we get out and it's dark and windy and cold it feels really weird. The weather lately has forced me at times to turn on my heat in my car, and something about the smell of my heater makes me super nostalgic for winter in the midwest. Yes, that's a little lame. But that's probably because I've so rarely had the occasion to turn my heat on out here, that I haven't disassociated that yet. Ha.

I've recently become addicted to tea. It started since JD has been sickish for the last few days, and we stocked up on all things restorative, since I figured I would immediately come down with whatever he has as soon as he gets to feeling better. I wish I had some peppermint tea, that would be really nice. However, I do not. I have a vanilla chai, a red antioxidant green tea, and a normal green tea. And that shit better turn my brain on for this class.

I have decided, perhaps unfairly, that I do not like this class. I have never really decided so far in grad school that I just didn't like a class, but I am happily crossing off the number of times we have left to meet, and the weeks left in the quarter. Even though the faster time flies the more Fucked I Am, in project terms. Ah well. Oddly, I am thoroughly enjoying my other class, which I was warned by everyone who had already taken in (it's a req) that it would blow so hard my face would melt off. I, personally, enjoy classes where the professor talks endlessly about their own personal experiences. I do not, however, enjoy classes where the professor resents having to teach the class and therefore schedules a guest speaker for every SINGLE week, meaning the class never has any continuity in discussion, nor do we benefit from having this famous person instructing us, nor do we ever get past that awkward timidness with the speaker who is only around for a couple hours one day, ever.

I know it's good for me, but shit. I feel stifled in there. It's weird how much I know about what works and doesn't in terms of me learning things. I never really noticed before.

I had a meeting with my advisor yesterday and I'd put a lot of thought into this thing that I need to get going and she was really happy with what I'd done and kept exclaiming how much she liked the idea of this thing now and is feeling more optimistic. Which made me feel loads better. But still not sure if this is a realistic thing to aim for. But FUCK IT, MAN. I'm going to rock the socks off this fucking year. F-YOU, YEAR!

I mean, am I riiiiight?

Ooh, I have to pee. Laters

We Strolled Fatly Into The Kitchen

I can't get over how funny my sister is, with her clever writing. Man, "strolled fatly" is still cracking my shit up. even now.
My cat just tricked me into thwacking my thumbnail into the side of the couch at such an angle that it's broken far, far below the quick. I doused my thumbnail with nail glue that I had lying around from when I dug my fingernail out of the trash and glued it back on, and now my thumbnail is stuck on all sides to my thumb so hard that I fear I may never get it free.

Stupid tricksy cat.

Intolerable Cruelty is on my tv. I heart this movie.
*****
HOOOOOOO SHIT

Freaky freaky freaky!!!
I'm sitting alone in the living room. The tv is on, the cat is scampering about. I have this music-playing china doll thing that my uncle (who's since deceased) gave me when I was, like, 8 or 9. I haven't wound the thing in years. It just, JUST, for no apparent reason, played a few random notes. Stopped. And then played some more notes. Fucking shit. The cat is now sitting as near it as he can, suspicious of something in the room. Errmm, I'm freaked out now.

It's Give And It's Take; I'm Game To Play Along

Unsurprisingly, I am now addicted to that J.E.W. cd that I got last week. Which I was gifted last week. Interestingly, my new favorite verb is "gifted." Additionally, I am going to do a sigh-ko-linguistic experiment with myself to see how many times I can start sentences with adverbs and adverb phrases (you may want to consult a grammar reference before you challenge anythingas not being an "adverb," considering I just read up on this). Maybe, I can innoculate myself against hating the stylistically unfortunate prevalence of unnecessary (but one of few permitted frivolities in academe) sentence starters. Of note, I am sitting in my tower. Whereas usually I would be daydreaming about the time Stacey and I used every letter in her magnetic alphabet to spell out naughty words on her fridge because that is one of the photos in one of the collages hanging on the wall directly facing me, today I am --what, examples of the words we spelled out? OK, but I get to take a break from the adverb thing:

V
D AT
PM RIM JOB HQ
C N
FK G
U
SEXZ
L


Indeed, Blogger will probably eat that and you won't be able to appreciate the genius of the use of Every Letter. Suffice it to say that "PM RIM JOB HQ" will never cease to make me laugh hysterically.

Of course, I am busy and freaking out as usual. Impossibly, I feel strangely optimistic and content with my ridiculous (british accent) pile of work that needs to be done. At this rate, I am hopeful that I will have some things cleared away and crossed off by the end of this week. However, it'll have to be a pretty sleepless week for that to happen. Which is very possible.

Amusingly, one of my favorite JEW songs seems to be about a dude trying to talk a lady into doing anal with him.

Ostensibly, those of you who left comments whining about me not updating could point that finger of blame-for-boredom at yourselves, and could update your own blogs whenever the blog-reading urge strikes and nothing new is available for your perusal. Ostensibly, that is what I try to do. Also, ostensibly, and of note, I blog most often when I am dodging work. Thus, on week-ends and other times I can immerse myself in vapid unrealities (say, when I am on the phone with sixteen different people for several hours each on a Sunday), I am unavailable to you in this forum. Perchance I could suggest that you, ostensibly, try calling me when you are most desperate for an update of my recent activities?

Of importance, I had the greatest weekend. Ostensibly (and actually), my friends and I had a blast on Friday night, I got to see I heart Huckabees for the second time, drank some wheat beer at a local brewery, and had a delicious dinner. Of great humor, we (two of us) wanted to see Team America but my friend K(ristin) protested, insisitng she would be offended and hates South park-esque comedies. Ostensibly, she would have been the last person I would have tagged as being "easily offended" since her selective morality (drunk driving not so terrible, leaving your husband for your currrent boyfriend that you were in love with at the time of your wedding and snuck around with for a year also not so terrible, parodies of American imperialism acted out by puppets; downright blasphemous) leaves me (me, guys) reeling sometimes. However, such was the case, so we decided on the existential comedy over "shark tale." Which, to be honest, I totally would go see if I had a three year old to babysit.

Thus, as discussed above, my Friday was a great deal of fun. Next, on Saturday I woke up (as is becoming tradition and spoiling me badly) to JD having made me breakfast- MMM!- and a bunch of errands needing to be run. Ostensibly, the post office should have been open until noon, but the window was closed and the stamp machine in the lobby was out of service. Accordingly, we then drove to the bank so I could attempt to cash a student loan check that I had received in the mail the day before. Unfortunately, the teller and her supervisor were giant retarded cunts, so that was another wasted attempt to get something accomplished before noon, making me wish badly that I had slept all afternoon as I had initially planned to do. Instead, I called my mom at work and made her tell me what to do, and then I went where I should've gone in the first fucking place, to my beloved copy store with the nosy yet friendly employees who are always worrying about their fantasty football teams when I go in there. So, upon arrival at the store, I was made to feel less murderous rage by the sheer competence of my favorite notary/copy assistant/mail-sending pros, and got my parcels shippedand my loan check overnighted to my mother.

Hence, Jadles and I decided to go to Disneyland, as is our wont, and wanted to eat on the way because the food in the park is, uhh, not so vegetarian. In accord with this goal, we peeled our eyes for somewhere in Anaheim but weren't immediately struck by anything. Eventually, we ended up eating at this place called Mimi's Cafee (sic), where we enjoyed the best meal ever and both wallowed in the blissful discovery of a fabulous new place to eat at all the time. Upon completion of lunch, we trekked over to the park, which was delightful. Then, instead of heading home when we got bored, I dragged Jadles to Downtown Dis and made him help me pick out powder at the high maintenance makeup store for about two hours. Next, we went to borders and I read magazines about shopping while he found a super-technical book about building tube amps that made him really excited and he kept interrupting my mindless glossy picture-gazing to jabber excitedly about something or other physics-related, which I greeted warmly with a blank and vacuous stare each time (I was using all my cognitive resources to eavesdrop on the conversation taking place at the table next to ours), much to his chagrin. Once the store closed and he purchased the book, I offered to buy him In 'N Out (you won't understand until you come visit), since he'd gallantly paid for my lunch and my chai drink. Luckily, he accepted, and we picked up some fabulous grilled cheeses and ate them with a bottle of blush (intriguingly called "white merlot") wine, which really classed up the joint a shitload.

On Sunday, I had to drag my ass out of bed and go to my professor's house so I could accidentally give her toddler a giant gash across the cheek, and also so the dog could repeatedly knock my pen out of my hand whilst I was attempting to understand what she wanted. After that ordeal, I talked on the phone to my mother, Stacey, Ashleigh, and Keith for no less than eight combined hours. Ostensibly, that is why my throat hurts today.

Anyway, I am getting sick of this adverb thing, plus I have to go back to my slavery, massa willnt' like it ifin i not finishin thiss manuscript soon.

With Love,

Don't It Feel Like Sunshine After All

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	friendly
Your eyes...	sparkle like the stars
Your touch is...	irresistable
Your smell is...	beautiful
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	eternal
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Yeah I thought Jennifer was onto something. Why don't I have her linked? Wow, I'm a big fat tard.

I am in my tower and should sit here until two hours from now working on shit, but I am dying of thirst and don't have any cash to go get something out of a machine, and I'm kind of starving too and I kind of am probably just going to take my shit and head home and pretend like I can work with the tv on in the background.

I just got out of my class that so thoroughly kicked my ass last week. This week we all had to do presentations on various shit, and may I just say that I returned the ass-kicking favor my class paid me last week in triplicate. You know, in case the class needs a copy of the ass-kicking, and maybe they need another copy to turn in for tax purposes, or in case it loses one, whatever. Yes, on three different colors of paper.

So it went A. better than last week and B. actually pretty good overall, which reaffirmed my personally held belief that I am NOT a total retard when it comes to school-related shit in general. Whatever.

I got an email this mornign from the support staff basically threatening to kill me if I'm using the school's internet (which I am doing right now, snicker) without authorization. Something about my computer having been "hacked" and being bad. Whatever.

Oh blimey, I am so hungry I have to cut this off. I had nothing to say anyway.

No One Else Will Know That Part Of Me

I came home from The Office last night, around 9pm, got the mail that I hadn't gotten in like five days (there was a lot) and upon reaching my apartment found The Boyfriend holding The Cat who was ostensibly holding a gift-wrapped present in his Cat Arms and then JD informs me that Jyushin got me a present. How sweet and thoughtful of Jyushin! So I pick it up and it's shaped suspiciously like a cd and then I remember that the new Jimmy Eat World had come out yesterday. Yippee!

There's a song on it (and thus far I think the whole cd is a little GHEY, gimme a few more listens before that condemnation sticks, though....I like them exponentially better once I know all the words) called "23" talking about how this person's going to turn 23. Man, sometimes the sheer relevance of JEW music (ha, sitemeter, suck that one) to my own life makes me love them. Yeah, sometimes that overrides the gheyness. Are you reading between the lines? Sometimes the sheer relevance of a thing overrides my knee-jerking hate and forces me to love it. Stupid familiarity. Stupid understanding the processes that motivate my thoughts.

Also in the mail was the newest Cosmo. Sweet glorious God-like tits.

I just spent a way too long time closely reading this chapter on stuff that I secretly like (grammar acquisition) but can't admit to anyone here, because they don't want to talk to me about language or why it's cool here. And Raedy, I looked up my science writing grammar complaint from yesterday on a grammar site and because adverbs are so versatile you may grammatically use them anywhere in a sentence you choose, so technically it is NOT bad grammar to say, "Importantly, I scratched my balls more after viewing stimulus X than after viewing stimulus Y." However, I would continue to argue that it is stylistically nauseating. Though not incorrect.

I am drowing in how much shit I have to do in the coming weeks. Not kidding. Not playfully exaggerating like I did all last year and this summer. I. Am. Fucked. My genius plan to dig my way out of having to gradually run subjects isn't going to fly. I am saving the panic attacks for November 1, when I will inevitably find out that a submission got accepted and I have to give a talk with no data to speak of. Two different projects with two different coronaries brought on by needing subjects ASAP. Fuck.

Today, however, was the first day in a long time that I felt like I could consider an academic career and not want to bolt. Usually I try to think of what I'll be doing in seven or so years and I can't come up with anything. Academe is starting to seem slightly appealing to me. After all, I really like to sit in my literal tower and pass judgement on various things. Might as well get paid more to do it professionally. Errm, I guess.

Friday I have Big Plans with my friends. Yay. I love girly outings every now and then. I'm trying to talk them into seeing Team America (which i already saw) but I think some of the more staunchly offendable ones will not like it as much as me and B.
Oh well. I can just as happily sit through I Heart Huckabees again. Though the existential sex scene in that will still offend them. Since it's more like porking than anything else I've seen.

Oh, "porking," reminded me that I forgot to tell you that we got new neighbors. Underneath us. They are also undergrads, and if you can believe it, WORSE than the old ones. No pot smoking, but they had a loud and apparently VIOLENT party last weekend. And then I noticed that their living room window was smashed earlier this week. Nice. They had a yelling match with my other (nice) neighbors at 3am. Nice.

JD didn't have to go to work today because SoCal isn't equipped to handle weather, and we are actually having a shitload of it. It has been really raining, it stormed and winded and blew trees and shit over last night, my plants on the balcony were all akimbo this morning, most buildings are leaking and everything is flooding. Including Rickkkkenbaaaacker. Even the parking lot. So F that. I'm a little jealous, since I doubt it will be drained tomorrow, and that means no work for JD. Yay! 'Cept I have all this fucking bullshit to do before Friday night.

I'll manage. I guess. Shit sandwich.

Lovels like whoa.

Is A Part Of My Soul Asleep Today?

Is it stuck inside the dash with the shitty comp tapes?

Teresa's uterus is too small to carry two fetuses? And more ridiculously, you said that in the following way: "we all know that teresa's uterus is too small to carry two fetuses."

Thank you Passions, for always entertaining. Thank you delicious two hours of blissful nothing-doing that I am claiming this afternoon to watch Passions, eat fake chik'n nuggets, and enjoy the end of Something's Gotta Give on HBO. Other shitty movies I've watched, enraptured, lately? Oh, Alex & Emma. Yeah, I'm embarrassed for myself.

You know what I hate most about academic writing? that people think that saying the following is a good grammatical, academic structure: Importantly, children blah blahed in the blah blah condition, whereas they blahed less in blah.

They start actual sentences with the word "Importantly." Or even more stomach-turning, saying, "Of importance,"

VOMIT!! That is such bad Engrish

Sooooooooooo I am required by the funding agency to provide them with a year-long plan of what I intend to accomplish this year, which I drafted earlier today (while at court sitting on my ass, tee hee!) and was appalled at the sheer amount of shit I have going on this quarter alone. But it made me feel more like I have a reason to be freaking constantly out instead of feeling like I'm just inadequate. I have a great deal on my plate. A great deal of delightful bullshit.

Two good things today:

1. I think I figured out what to do with my seccind yerr progect that I was having fits over (because I thought I would be doing a really lengthy stupd data collection that would run into the early spring, leaving me totally FUCKED) that can revamp the study but still work within the parameters of getting all my data in two swift blows instead of breaking myself.

2. My mom emailed me and said that this loan that I've been trying to get since July finally went through, yay, the money is being sent to me now....so I can pay mom back and pay off my credit debt and get new tires for my car. So yippee.

I'm starting to worry about the election. Like, I am starting to have nervous fits over the idea of Kerry not winning. I don't care if he's kind of lame, vote for him, g.d it.

Whoa, a Jenga commercial just made me laugh out loud. WTF.

Ok I need to stop pretending like I'm not procrastinating.

Everything's Falling And I Am Included In That

I'm having a hard time seeing the humor in things that I know should be funny. I was on campus for 10 hours today but then hunger got the best of me and I came home, and ate some kettle corn and a nutri grain bar and now I feel like a sloth. Popcorn is like donuts for me, where I always think it'll be fun to eat but then once I'm done I feel kind of icky. Thanks a lot, movie theater part-time job.

My grandma is better and at home, she'll have something else in 6 weeks or so but she's fine. My mother (who, it turns out, really did hang up on my aunt) is managing to deny all responsibility while claiming that she's taken responsibility for her mistake and can do nothing more. Errgh.

I'm cold and it's been raining here for about a week, which is so bizzarro that I am trying to equate Bad Shit with Rain for peace of mind's sake.

I cant' shake this funk. I've never felt as completely insecure in what I'm doing in school as I have this past week, and I know all I need is some cheering up but it's not lasting as long as I need it to. Like, seeing a movie Friday that made me almost wet my pants laughing wore off on Saturday. errrrrghhhhhhhtttt

I'm just taking myself and my life too damn seriously these days. Fuck it. YES, FUCK IT.

Someone make me laugh, dammit. AW DAMN! DAMN DAMN DAMN! AWWW DAMN, DAMN AW

Von Liebe Und Tod

Yerrrm. I'm writing last week off as the lamest ever. In my mind my week starts on Friday night and runs through the following friday workday, so since this weekend was cool that means this coming week is going to be cool and everything has to get better because it spent so much time sucking last week.

So all that about my car and my class both fucking up and thanks to those of you who patiently reassured me that I'm not a retard and having to talk just for time-killing's sake is stupid and for saying you feel the same way sometimes even if you don't and for listeneing to all te whining, etc. and for those of you who commented, thanks.

Then Friday i get an email from my aunt in Chicago, my grandma is in the hospital, and has been since Tuesday. And she's had heart problems for years and has had a couple bypass surgeries and a couple heart attacks and stuff so when she had chest pain she went in and they found some blockages in some arteries or something and they needed to do something where they put "stints" in her arteries because she's not going to be able to have another bypass. So she had one on Tuesday and the email is brief but says she's doing ok and that my aunt will keep us posted (oh and it says that she'll try calling my mom about it this weekend). so I forward it to mom and Jenny since I dont knwo if they got it. And then I call Jenny. And cant' get her. So then when she calls me back we try to call grandma on 3way and we get transferred around by the nurses who finally say she's in a procedure and won't be in the same room when she gets out. So we give up for Friday cuz we think she'll be tired and stuff when she gets out.

So JD and I ditch reality and go to Disneyland, go see Team America: World Police at downtown disney (and for those of you who had mixed feelings about whether you should spend the money to see it, DO, because I have not laughed until I was crying and gasping for breath since the first time I saw super troopers, and it was fucking worth the occasional stupid gag or failed joke for the five or so scenes that had me in hysterics. you will like it) and then when we came out i had a voicemail from my aunt saying g.ma was in ICU friday night cuz her blood pressure had dipped really low during her procedure but she was ok and auntie would try to call me saturday.

So we go back into disneyland and I continue not dealing with anything.

And then Saturday JD and I slept an obscene amount and then I thought seriously about not getting out of my pajamas for the entire day, and then aroudn 6pm I checked my email.

and oh. my. god.

My MOTHER.

I have a series (6-7 emails) of progressively more pissed off email from her (why didn't she just call me? I have no idea) that start off being saccharinely concerned about g.ma's health and move toward righteous indignation bordering on rage that my aunt "didn't even have the decency" to call her directly about this.

Let me just interject that my aunt has a mental patient husband, a child with some kind of disorder that requires him to become other characters like "irish man" and "construction elephant," her sick MOTHER, her crazy bitch sister (my other aunt, dr. auntie), and then she's got work and her own problems plus she's probably the only one bothering to contact g.ma's extensive network of family and friends who care about her about every update and change in status, etc. She's got her own shit. My mother has NO right to be all pissed off at my aunt.

So I email her back through gritted teeth and point out that my aunt is busy and stressed and emailed me knowing I would dissipate it to all relevant Davis family members so she didn't have to go through the schpiel three different times....and i try to be sympathetic to her not knowing what's going on, but honeslty no one knows what's going on, and we're all confused.

So not 20 minutes late my aunt calls, and she's like, "hi, i jsut talked to your mom, i think she's mad at me"
SIIIIIIIIIGH.

I ask why and she says my mom was pissed that no one called her yet since this happened Tuesday and was trying to convey to my aunt that she doesnt' appreciate being slighted like this and then either my mom hung up on her or the line went dead.

SIIIIIIGH.

I apologize profusely to my aunt and tell her to ignore it and it's nothing personal, my mother is apparently crazy, and I will deal with it and she should not even worry about it (which she says she cant' do anyway because, oh yeah, her MOTHER is in the hospital and not doing great and she's trying to hold everything together so yeah, she's kind of all out of emotion anyway) and I feel like shit that my mother feels entitled to treat MY FAMILY (even if they're just her inlaws, this is the family that I acknowledge, certainly not my mom's side that I never had any contact with when I was little and don't care about now) like shit because things didn't happen like she thought they should have.

Urge to kill rising.

But my aunt is more worried about it stressing me out but I tell her repeatedly how incredibly used to this I sadly am, and how much of my mother's shit I have cleaned up in the last 10 years and how much I highly doubt my broken mother will ever not be broken, etc.

I love my aunt. She updated me and my g.ma was out of ICU but the 2nd procedure didnt' work so they have to do another but she can decide if she wants it or not, and she's going home for awhile in between, either Sunday or Monday, and gave me her new phone # and I said I was going to call Jenny and then call g.ma on 3way

So we did, and she sounded fucking great and alert and stuff and so excited to hear from us both at once, she didn't even know three way existed, etc. She was predictably annoyed that she had no clear indication of when she would find out when she was leaving the hospital and said she was "perfectly capable" of taking care of herself and sounded slightly indignant about this whole stupid hospitalization thingy. I love my grandma.

That was good and she sounds good and I'm going to talk to her later in the week, etc.

So today I'm supposed to talk to my mom and I cant' decide how to do it. Last time she pissed me off this bad I tried to tell her and she shut down and basically accused me of attacking her like I was telling her she shouldn't do to other people. She's so irrational I can't even understand the way her mind works. fuck.

I am pissed off, though, so I don't know if I'll be able to restrain myself from yelling at her. And then she's going to get all self-righteous about how she cares about grandma.....jesus I cant' wait for this phone call.

Then last night, I needed to get out of the house and we went to get Indian food and then delicious coldstone ice cream and then suddenly we decided to go see another movie, so we saw What the Bleep Do We Know, which is probably not so widely released, and that was pretty good too.

Yeah, so. Things have been getting better because they couldn't possibly get worse. I'm done feeling bad, this week just sucked. it wasnt' so bad individually, but it started cumulatively sucking.

Esca-laters