How Is It You Feel When

His name, I am almost positive, is "Mr. Mingus Darcy," so you can call him either "mingus" or "mr. darcy." But I will still consider really enthusiastic votes, KB and Jenny. Not so sure about "Don Knotts," though.

Smile Politely Right On Through

Uh, so.

JD and co-workers found a litter of kittens living in a storm drain in their parking lot last week. Long story. Very dramatic. Very heart-wrenching. Duh. Gutter kittens? How is that not heart-wrenching? I know, right.

Anyway, we are total softies so we have had this little baby cat living in part of our bathroom for about a week, since I cracked thansgiving eve and called jd as he was driving to the shelter to drop this kitty off and told him to just bring it to our house.

We bathed it- twice- and I have never seen anything so filthy or sad or covered in fleas. We put a drop of adult cat flea killer on it and the next day he finally started acting like a normal ass cat. We've been feeding him and cuddling him and petting him and telling him what a good kitty he is and gradually he's been eating more and starting to play and climb around and jump wildly with no hope of landing whatever he's jumping at like a normal kitten. He's crapping in a cat box and chasing fingers and toes if you wiggle them and we took him to a vet this saturday to have him checked out (the soonest we could get an appointment since Wednesday) and he's got ear mites (no big deal) and the vet applauded us for taking care of his fleas and for how we've sequestered him away from Existing Cat (a very agitated exsiting cat) so there's no chance of them coming in contact. He had blood taken because many times, gutter kittens have cat leukemia or HIV and have to be put down and we had to wait until this morning to find out that he does not, in fact, have any horrid disease like that so we do not have to have him killed. He seems "reasonably healthy" for having been the runt growing up in a fucking storm drain and he's got medicine for his ear mites and he's having his poo tested for worms today and he's super. fucking. sweet now that he's starting to feel better and understand that he'll have food (the first few days he was growling while eating and also lunging at each bite like a hungry hungry hippo game piece) regularly and he is really into climbing up you and sitting on your shoulder right where your neck starts and purring into your ear and the vet said he's only 4 weeks old and that's too young to be separated from mom cat but since she left her babies in a storm drain, fuck her, basically, and if he's eating kitten food already that's totally fine, give him kitten food.

So that's what I'm thankful for. The kitten is healthy and probably not going to die or have to be put to sleep and although doing it this way turns out to be a fuck of a lot more expensive than adopting a kitten that's been fixed and medicated and vaccinated and polished up and ready to go, he is so. obviously. grateful. to not be in the storm drain anymore, and he doesn't run and hide in his carrier anymore when JD or I go into the room, instead he saunters over all swaggery and kittenesque and swats at fingers or toes or hair or imaginary ghosts and looks up lovingly and purrs and likes to have his chin scratched and ears rubbed (duh, the mites tickle like hell, I bet) and he'll lick you now if you're petting him and now the only problem is deciding whether to name him:

Piccard
Rupert
Gordon Ramsey
Mingus
or
Soren

I'm taking a poll. From you guys. So vote. On his name. I'll put up a photo of him later, right now I am late for a job tawlk.

Hope you all had things and people you were thankful for too.

I Killed The Last Snake That Lived In The Creekbed

Well, yesterday was fucking awesome:

1. I found out officially that I and all my friends passed that giant nightmare of a test.

2. I pitched dissertayshun ideeeahs to my advisor and she was incredibly enthusiastic about them and said nice things to me.

3. She asked if I'd seen the Borat movie and when i said yes, said she was planning to go see it with two other female fakultee members which made me laugh so hard I almost cried. If you knew these three women you would have laughed until you cried, also.

4. The prof I tee to the a for was very nice and hugged me when I told her about #1 and then later emailed me saying she'd been singing my praises to my advisors all day because i'm such an awesome tee to the a.

5. JD and I went to lunch at one of our favorite veggie restaurants.


GOOD LUCK SISFACE AT YOUR GIANT-O CONFERENCE!!!! LOVIES!!

Four Naan, Jeremy? Four? That's Insane!

Kyle, thank you. I almost cried when I read your comment and it really does make it feel less isolating that other people go through these bizarre relationships too. It's easy to let myself make it into the Biggest Problem The World Has Ever Encountered when I know, in the grand scheme of things, it can't be that bad. And thanks for saying you admired what I'm doing out here. There are times where it kind of hits me how far away I am from all of you guys, and my mom, and my sister, and I feel completely at a loss for a good reason for having chosen this. And sometimes this is too hard for me, intellectually, and the people here are too...image-focused, and the people here that I've become close to seem like shells and I can't be myself, and I really miss being able to pick up on weekends and drive to Stacey's, or to see a band in Chicago, or home to see my mom and friends there, and there's no such thing as a straightforward bit of encouragement or validation that I'm on the right track, and it all builds up and feels like it's crushing me. But then I just have to check in with people who are real to me and I remember that I actually can do this.

So thank you. actually, thank all of you who have offered support--ever. It really means a lot and it's hard for me to say that without sounding totally fucking sarcastic. I know you guys care and I'm really lucky and incredibly grateful to have so many people who are so amazing who also care about me in very meaningful ways.

Anyway.

I don't really have anything else to say about Keith. I don't have anything left to give him. I'm absolutely drained.

Everything else, though, is fine and dandy, and the Keith stuff isn't bothering me so much now that the real weight of that sick-ass stress level is lifting. Work's getting better. I felt decently smart in my hard-ass class today and may have cancelled out how fucking retarded I made myself look last week. There's a new vegan restaurant across the street from my office and it's fucking tits. I have a yoga class tonight. My girl friends here and I are planning a slumber party (yes, really) for this weekend. JD has been incredible beyond belief. He's like a fictional husband. I can't believe someone really exists who makes special trips to rite aid in the middle of the night to buy trashy magazines and bath salts and then offers to sit by the tub while I'm in there and read my course textbook to me, if that would help. He takes the car for oil changes on his lunch break so I don't even have to think about it. He's taken to wearing briefs undies that make his junk look crazy huge, and he wore little shorts to the gym last night and I swear, scared everyone in the weight room with his crotchal area. For my amusement. He lets me watch the today show when i'm eating breakfast when he wants to watch the nfl channel. he's been selling/trading his music equipment because we're moving to a smaller place and there won't be as much space for it. He makes breakfast every day. He tells me my hair smells good. And that my armpit smells good. And that my neck smells good. But they're all different good smells. He's making lists of food to make while Jenny and Mike are here. And he's revising those lists. And revising them. He's off work today and he still got up earlier than me to wake me up when I needed to get out of bed. I'm totally fucking happy and it's nice to have two seconds to notice it instead of freaking out from the time I wake up until I go back to bed at night.

I know, I'm really lucky. I don't question that. I love you guys so much, and I wish I saw more of all of you. But I know you're there when I need you, and I am really grateful.

And

I just found out that I passed. The test.

Fuck, I really needed that today.

Warm Copies Make Everything Better



Awww, isn't that nice? Daily dose of something that reminds me of you guys. Yesss, nice.

I am having a hard time. Just kind of in general, I feel like I'm hitting a wall with a lot of things. I just listened to a tawlk (right, liz, because someday someone might google the word "talk" and find your blog) about relationships. And it actually felt really relevant to my life, which made it a thousand percent more interesting. Basically, women do all the work in a relationship. and then if she's stressed out and can't do the work, the whole thing goes to shit. For whatever reasons.

JD is, like, awesome. I'm not talking about him. I had a meltdown at Keith the other night because I have been really busy and really stressed out and working really hard on a lot of things, personal and professional, business and pleasure, and basically I was so fever-pitched about everything that I had all these pivotal, obvious revelations whilst talking to him that I have all the time (e.g., he doesn't actually care about me; the relationship we have right now exists exclusively because I will it to exist; I put in 300% of myself and not only get nothing back, I am not improving his life either so I am just wasting my energy, etc.) but in a more dramatic and upsetting way.

He really, truly, seriously does not give a shit what my life is about. Does not want to hear it. Cannot bear to hear it. No matter what I say, it becomes a big long defense about how my dislike of this situation is basically my own doing (but not my fault, mind you, there is a fine line between things that I caused and did and it being something we can blame on me) and in so many words he intones to me that not liking the status of things = too fucking bad.

Anyway. I have had a really, really, really high tolerance for that kind of bullshit for a really, really, really long time. Dear reader, you need only click through any of my archived entries to distinguish the following annoying themes of my life:

1. Keith, waaaah. Why is he so mean and stuff?
2. I have _____ coming up that is scaring me and is hard
3. I just successfully completed #2. Yay!

That is so annoying. This blog is annoying. This cycle is annoying. Isn't it annoying that I always "realize" obvious, stupid things? I would want to smack me.

Anyway, so the point is that I noticed that I am alarmingly less able to weather his bullshit when I have depleted emotional/mental resources. I totally fucking fell apart. I just felt dead inside thinking about it. And exhausted. I've never felt numb to that #1 theme before, that I recall. Usually I feel a lot like shit, sometimes I feel optimistic. I just felt...tired. Spent. Empty. Sick of having the same fucking talk. Over. and over. to no avail, with no forward progress in mind, just to have it. Run down the same list of reasons he shouldn't have to be nice to me. The same list of pivotal choices that could have gone the other way. The same boring, deluded laundry list of why things have to be the way they are. Sometimes he says he can't help it, he treats everyone like this. But it all feels deliberate, and it all feels like punishment.

SIIIIIIGH.


Everything today just feels off. I am wearing a shirt with a stain on it that I didn't notice until just now. My pants are slightly too short. I feel really socially inept around my own friends. I have to concentrate on some stuff this afternoon but I finished grading the mountain of shit I had to do last night and all I want to do is get in bed with nothing looming over my head.

I am, in general, feeling like this delicate little web is going to collapse at any moment. I am having an attack of that impostir sin drome that is so fashionable among post-secondary education students these days. I want it to be temporary, but I feel like I am underwhelming everyone right at a time when it is most crucial that I step up my performance and not suck so badly.

Glance, Don't Stare


ALLO CHICAS!

Whatta week, whatta week. I am so tired. all the time now I am tired.

First, YAY INDIANA! Never thought I'd say that. Nice job, you guys! I am so excited. Here in the OC we were less...dramatic with our decisions. No new governator. No awesomely huge tax on cigarettes ($2.60 per PACK, you guys). No alternative energy. Thanks a lot, lie-based counter commercials. Anyway. I got some things I wanted. Can't be mad. Plus, Indiana! And Congress! Holy crap!

The mood among academics here on campus is decidedly smug.

So I have been freakishly busy. We got an on-campus housing offer so we scrambled around this last week to redo our lease so we could break it and don't get me started about the money stuff regarding that, I am extremely mad at my current apartment complex about many things, but since after December 12th they can kiss my fat on-campus butt, fuck 'em. I will say that moving to a smaller (cozier!) apartment within reasonable walking distance from campus with most utilities included in the rent, saving us ~$800 PER MONTH, YOU GUYS is not a bad trade.

So that's good news.

One of my good friends here has been going through a very very bad nasty breakup since last week and that has actually been quite time-consuming for me as well. That's totally fine, but another friend and I are taking her in shifts, kind of, and keeping her mind off it and on fun things means I'm not getting work done on time this week. For example, we have collectively reworked this friend's trip to hawaii for another friend's wedding in december so that she does not have to pay for anything and the ex can cancel the tickets and reservations he already made, and fuck the hell off. We spent most of Sunday in LA with her at her parents' house, and I think JD may come to our yoga class tonight and sit outside the building watching for the Ex so that he can intercept him if he tries to find my friend where he knows she'll be at a certain time. We are also juggling tag-team phone calls and monitoring and every time one of us talks to her we call each other to catch the other up on her status as of right then. It's very busy.

Then there's work. Oh lordy. I felt so completely stupid after my class today that I called JD and made him take me to lunch or else I would've sat and stewed about feeling stupid for the rest of the afternoon. I feel ok now, thanks, but jeeze. I am too busy to be prepared for anything and as a result I am falling behind and disappointing everyone. Hopefully I can dig out of this by Saturday. I cannot believe how long it takes to grade certain types of things. I am hateful of it, for sure.

So we're moving, work is sucky, my poor friend is heartaching, i'm sleep deprived, yay election, yay that i talked to many of you on the phone yesterday for random reasons, yay breaking lease and sticking it to the man. To recap.

Woof.