So it's goddamn 7am and I am wide awake and pissed off about it. I have reading group at 9 at the lab, but surely that doesn't mean I have to get up at 7, right? No of course not. I'm up because one of JD's good pals from his job at the SRSC (workout place) called at 6:45 to see if he could come into work. Not only did she call, mind you, but when she got the answering machine because NO ONE IS FUCKING AWAKE she called right back. Right the fuck back, to be nauseatingly bubbly and asking for "james" cuz it was "BritNEY, from the srsC!!!"

Yuck, yuck yuck. But hey, this will help even out my irrational sleeping patterns I've been getting into...I don't know what my problem is, but night before last I slept for like 10 hours, and the day before I missed a class because I slept through most of it, and even though I'm going to bed earlier and earlier I can't seem to wake up. It's scary. Obviously all I need is to be furious in the wee hours of the morning and I'll perk right up. Fuck.

Oh, so the day ahead of me sucks, I have reading group and then an experiment at 11 and then a test in social psych at 11:45 and then I got back to the lab for the drudgery of STILL MORE stimuli making (Hanako's off her rocker this time) and then I'll probably come home for awhile and try to clean my room before going BACK to the lab for an experiment at 5:40 with this crazy lady who wants to bring the chillins in after work. Of course she does.

BUT I think Stacey might be coming up this afternoon or this evening, and Chris will be in for his Birthday Bash 2002 Saturday, and that might be fun. So in honor of that, I'm going to go grump around the house complaining out loud to myself until I have to go to school.

Oh, and btw, I'm sorry for offending those of you who HAVE to get up early daily, but please understand that this is an anomaly in my schedule and I don't like it at all. I think normally I would be sleepy after only getting 5.5 hours of shut-eye, but since I've been stockpiling my REM sleep I don't think it'll matter.
I keep having fucked-up dreams, so you know, but I can't remember them.

Also, I finished a collection of short stories put called "Speaking with the Angel," which were put together by Nick Hornby (the guy who wrote high fidelity and about a boy) and they were all pretty good. Anyone who wants to borrow it should let me know. Now, do I crack down and actually reread Point/Counterpoint and try to finish it this time, or do I start on Nabakov's Invitation to a Beheading? Hmmmm.

I'll figure it out later.
Great weekends to you all!

Fucking A, man. this week is already over for all practical purposes, and I know that's a badditude to have....but hell with it.
I doubt this will even post, blogger seems out for blood this evening and I'm iin no mood to be trifled with.
So yesterday I was lazy as HELL, sleeping through my class and until 12:30, something I'm proud to say I hadn't done since this weekend, and I was pissed at myself all day. So I tried to wuss out of going to hapkido club because I was "really tired" and JD dragged my sorry ass anyway and I'm glad he did. We did all the normal stuff and then Patrick made us "get an obstacle" which was this big ole blue quadrilateral, and run and roll over it. So I officially kick ass at that, being the ONLY person my height to clear the damn thing at all, and then BY FAR one of the best overall jumpers. Hahaha, I think it's my new favorite thing to do, though. Awesome.

And today was quite boring, I didn't hear from Chris like he swore I would about his plans for the upcoming weekend, and whether we're having Birthday Bash 2002 or WHAT, so hmpf on that.
I'm not going to write anymore today, I've been too boring, this probably won't even post, and Melissa needs the internet

Catch you all on the flip side
*****

So JD and I went to Louisville (Luhvull) Friday and to the Mogwai show I've been hyping for a week, which ended up being a group affair, and it was lovely. As with all "show" type concerts, the tallest person in the room stands directly in front of me and dances enthusiastically, and this was no exception. also, I think it notable that EVERY single guy in the room was sporting dark hair, a carefully groomed Indie beard, and Shane glasses, or any combination of the three. And most of the girls had Stacey glasses and the same black shirt with red pants. Hahahaha, indie kids make me laugh.
And then there was me in my Upward Christian Basketball shirt and JD in his ironic DARE shirt, and I got a big ole kick out of us. So as always, there was that one slutty looking girl decked out in ho clothes, looking totally out of place at a show with Shane Clones, and she gets in front of me first with this also out-of-place looking guy who's obviously trying to do her and then a second time with her actual boyfriend or date, whom she was trying to find initially, and she glances around and then gets up on the ONLY chair in the whole building as though she thinks she's at a Kid Rock show, and puts her ass Directly in my face and realizes she's the only one on a chair (ok, dir) and gets down sheepishly. Or maybe because when she climbed up there I about died laughing and I think she noticed.
And yeah, she's the only slut with red wine in a glass, the only slut with no clue who the band on stage is and the only slut with what I've learned to call "party pants" on, and she's trying so hard but is still unable to ruin my fun time at the show. HA
And everyone I was with ran into a few people they knew....Jer was there, and some friends of Stacey and Shane's, and I kept thinking I saw people who looked familiar (because everyone I know looks like the glasses/beard/dark haired boy prototype) but no one I actually knew.

And then Saturday Stacers had to work so Shane and JD and I went to the Science Center, and played around in the drunk driving simulator and the blue screen where we played volleyball, soccer, the drums, and HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm watching the Trading Spaces marathon, including the three top episodes, and they just had the revealiing of the new rooms, and this big fat trash couple who were lucky enough to be assigned Doug as their designer, and although they had insisted for him not to touch the trash fireplace with the trashy multicolored bricks, he made a big white wainscoating thing to cover it up, and painted the room brown and made it all modern-like. So Fatty Wife opens her eyes and the first thing she says is "oh, you guys are gonna be fixing this" and then she has to LEAVE THE ROOM TO CRY because she so detests it, and Fatty Hubby says "all i see is a bunch of firewood, there's nothing left here from what it used to be"

HAHAHAHA, ahah ah ah ahahahahahahaha I won't even elaborate on how funny I think this is and how dumb and fat these people are because anyone who watches the show already understands and anyone who doesn't just won't care. Hahah, though, hoo hoo hoo

And then yeah later we all went to Joe's Crab Shack, and Dustin is hilarious, at least when he has a metal bucket on his head hahahahahahaha
I vote we go there for every birthday and special occasion from here on out, it was rockin'.
and then for the last two days I've sat around and eaten, that's about it.

And now I'm home, I just realized Jenny reads my blog, so that's awesome (hey lil sis) and I talked to Chris earlier and he gives us all a shoutout, will try to come up this weekend for his 21st but may have too much work to do, but will let us know. Also, there's a Jimmy Eat World concert on August 2nd in Indy, I am going now and everyone else should too, it will kick ass.

For now, I'm gonna go talk to my cousin Evan and then go to bed.

I got back from hapkido club a little while ago, and suffice it to say that I got the shit beat out of my forearms by a stick, and I'm in pain. It was fun, though, and now I know stick disarms better.

I was just looking through the testing requirements for blue belt, which is what I'll be wanting at the end of the summer, and DAMN there are a lot of new things to learn. Most excitingly, a running waist tackle, and most unnervingly, a diving roll over an obstacle, which I tried earlier this week and discovered isn't too bad...but if you stop to think about it for one fraction of a second it's really hard to get your mind around the "yeah, and when I come back down on the other side, I'll be in perfect position to land on my head and snap my neck" hindrance bullshit. I like to think that my rolling's good enough that I won't ever forget what I should be doing in mid-air.

So we played with sticks at club, and working with JD is always helpful because I absolutely have to do the technique right or it won't work because he's so much bigger than me, and i really like sticks. And oh gawd I'm sore from Tuesday.

So there's that to look forward to in the near (ish) future

I've been having the most fucked up dreams lately. this time, this morning, I was walking through some restaurant (in the dream, mind you) and I passed Ashleigh and she was sitting on the ground smoking, wearing one of my shirts. I got extremely pissy and demanded that she give it back, cuz I thought I would never see it again if I didn't take it right then. So she rolled her eyes and took it off and wanted to know if I needed the one underneath mine as well, which wasn't mine, so I said no, and asked her where my "castle marching knights" shirt was (??!?!?). She pointed me across the room, which I think was an IHOP, and it was floating in the air. I went to try to grab it but it was a trap, or something, and someone was suddenly hugging me really tightly. I keep having dreams wherein a certain someone is hugging me ferociously and I am trying to tell them it's ok but they are choking the air out of my lungs and I can't speak. Hmmmm. And then I woke up and forgot the dream until I was walking into the bathroom and noticed my tshirt and remembered the whole thing. Creepy.
I'll keep a daily dream journal, you'll all get a kick out of it

What else? My roomie Chris is coming home tonight, yay, Mel went to Indy to get him earlier tonight, and I'm excited to see him. He's been in Florida for a few weeks at his mom's, and it'll be nice to have 5 people around. also, Raedy's pirahna named Scott Baio is dying, or seems to be, we can't figure out if he's just diseased or if the other (meaner) pirahnas have eaten him slowly, but I think we might have a funeral ceremony for him later tonight if he shows no improvement. Fine by me, they stink and the novelty of having one (or three) as a pet wore off on me long ago.

I finished the rules of attraction (bret easton ellis) the other day, and since Shane told me it's becoming a movie, I thought it relevant. It's pretty good, and one of the characters turns out to be the brother of the American Psycho guy (Patrick Bateman). So, now I have to decide whether to finish Point/counterpoint (Huxley) or try another Nabakov book. sigh. I love summer. I love free time. I love mogwai

So, for those of you who don't know/don't care, I'll be in Louisville for a good amount of time this weekend for the show, and won't be updating (frowny face)
Keep saving money for VEGAS, and tell yer friends

Where is my Mind?

You're smart, shy, and often nonsensical. You have dreams of being famous, and you're quirky enough that you just might pull them off. Some would call you a genius, others would call you insane, but in reality you're pretty well-adjusted. Take a vacation once in a while- it'll help take your mind off of your troubles.

Which Pixies song are you?


So tonight, the definite highlight of the evening was when I realized I was sitting around with Melissa, Raedy, and JD, the last two of whom were drinking FORTIES (Raedy had the Old English, JD opted for Colt 45) whilst we all watched Celebrity Boxing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I love my life.

I went to get my prescription today, and since my mom had called and fixed everything for me (thanks mommy) they were much nicer, and instead of $80 for four pills I only had to pay $20, but considering that's what my co-payment'll always be and soon I should get more than 4 pills in a prescription, I am sitting pretty.

And whilst at CVS we noticed that these mysterious condoms were back, after someone had spotted them earlier in the year but we never found them again. I guess they restocked. But anyway, these "magik" condoms are in a silver sunglasses case, cost $15 for 12, and have stickers quoting Cosmo praising them. So I couldn't figure out what brand they are, except they boast "ultimate super duper pleasure for him and her, the best sex ever, instant orgasms guaranteed" etc. on the package, and show a profile shot of the actual condom, which is designed "to bring back the wonderful feeling of sex without a condom" blah blah blah

but because I have no money, I held myself back from buying all they had in stock

hahahahahahahah ah ah ahha hhahaha

So on a lighter note, Shane, thanks fro getting me those tix, I will see you all in Louisville this Friday
and there's still time, if anyone out there has heard of Mogwai, the show is this weekend.

I have to go roll around in my new sheets now
*****

I'm home, finally, today has been one clusterfuck of a 12hour period thus far, and I am really looking forward to it not getting any better. How liketh you my bubbling optimism

SOOOOO
Yesterday I made JD go sheet shopping with me, after me and him and mel and raedy had gone to bombay house (MMMMMM) and stuffed ourselves silly, and I had sworn I wouldn't spend any more money until I need gas to go to Louisville to see Mogwai (yay!!) this weekend, but my bed is also atrociously uncomfortable and I was determined to do something about that. So I decided (thanks Cosmo!) that i couldn't live with anything less than 100% cotton 300+ thread count sheets, which as you might think is somewhat expensive, and places like Kohl's don't have them. So Bed Bath and Beyond had a shitload, and I finally chose these pretty blue stripey texturey ones and they're niiiiiice and soooooft and I love them. Oh, and I got an eggcrate thing for helping the terrible mattress. Mucho better, I must say.

So in addition, I have been noticing more and more that I get unbearably godawful headaches every now and then, which I may have mentioned my mom has diagnosed (thanks, Dr. Mom!) as migraines, since she gets them, and I am inclined to agree. So I was thinking I would go to the health center next time I got slammed with one, which I was expecting during my wymynly time, if you catch my drift, cuz that's where they usually (for the last 6 or so months) have been. but HA, I started getting one yesterday, and my "time" is nowhere in sight, so they've started occurring more frequently. I am starting to suspect (but do NOT wish to allow myself to believe) that Indian and other spicy foods are a trigger. Anyhoo, so I get these headaches and yeah they last 3 or 4 days and yeah I can't sleep at night and yeah I feel like I want to die, so this afternoon I cracked and went to the health center. And I am a total baby about that stuff, I like to go only when I'm sure it's smallpox or chronic asthmatic bronchitis-pneumonia, so this was a big event for me. And I went all by myself (woo, i know) and the nice doctor made me do a "hit" (her wording) of Imitrex through this nasal inhaler, which initially freaked me out but wasn't what I was afraid it would be (for some reason I assumed I would have to snort some coarse powder into my brain; it turned out to just be medicated air) and worked almost immediately.

So I'm thinking woohoo, it's migraines, write the prescription and get me out of here, and eventually she does, and then I go home and bask in the "oh do you feel ok you poor thing" from everyone at home, and then I go to get it filled.

And the nice pharmacologist is patient and I've never gotten this done before and after 20 minutes he decides that I'm not covered by health insurance, and if I want the prescription filled (four total pills, mind you) it would be 80 bucks. Which, since I am a spendaholic now, I don't have. So I couldn't get them. So I called my mom a little while ago when I got back from hapkido club (that's how much better I was feeling...I could go abuse my body whereas an hour before i couldn't sit unaided by walls) and she laughed at me for using the WRONG insurance card, although try as I might I couldn't find the Anthem one she (I remembered her doing this) swore she gave me last time i was home. SIGH. So although I don't need the drizugs until I get another one, STILL, you know, some peace of mind would be welcome.
I LOVE IMITREX, woo hoo

So it seems all I had to do to get people hyped about Las Vegas was have Stacey do it for me. T to the B, welcome aboard Vaca-SIN 2002
Lets' all start saving our pennies for the slots, ok?

Heh heh eh

oh, and sorry I didnt' really talk about what "happened" in Louisville. I didn't realize S would put it all on MY head to give the details to you all. Bug her if you're interested.
We DID go to Ear X-tacy, where I got three new cds, I love music
and we DID go eat, but aside from that nothing "happened"

I'm going to go revel in being able to feel something other than my head pounding

OK, ok
So I'm in Louisville, and it's almost 5am here but I am wired for some goddamn reason, and although I have a feeling I'll be updating more tomorrow while Stacey's at work, I feel like sharing my insights with the world now. Unfortunately, none of my buddies are online, so I have to do this here

I heard that I need to type in more of a reader-friendly "paragraph" form, so I'll be working on that for you guys from now on.

So Stacey took me to see Star Wars and it WAS AWESOME, I thought, although we couldn't agree on what happens in the thrid one. I heard (from JD, a mega-star wars dork) that Padme cheats on Anakin with Obi wan, which drives the precariously edgy Anakin over to the dark side. Stacey heard (from Shane, a mega-star wars dork) that Padme dies in childbirth or something, thusly pushing Anakin to the dark side like so.
So which is it? Who, oh great nerdy friends, has the correct version of the story? And how are they getting past the whole "Jedis aren't supposed to fall in love and get married" bit? And if I'm right, shouldn't Padme especially not sleep with TWO Jedis if even one is expressly forbidden? I need answers

Also, there were these people in front of us who STANK first of all and were DRUNK secondly, and two of them insisted on making out every so often, and the woman's (?) bad perm was so big I could barely see over it. No I'm not exaggerating.

So I've just finished breaking Stacey's VCR by cramming one too many home videos into it, but since she's asleep she might not notice, so don't say anything. Yup, I just watched the Florida Fiasco tape, and I just want to say how mooshily retarded it made me.
I LOVE YOU CHRIS, thank you a billion times for saving my life, even if you didn't do anything. I still occasionally wake up freaked out about that, and what might had happened if we'd gotten caught out there that first night when we arrived, with everyone in jeans and it being pitch black.

I love the ocean, and Stacey and I want a road trip.

SO

Back to my Vegas rant, which is gaining steam as I confront you individually ( no one pays the slightest bit of attention when I mention it generally on here). So far, me Chris and Stacey are gung ho, JD thinks it's stupid and is trying to talk me into New Orleans, and no one else has said anything. There are surely package deals fer real cheap that we can find, and we've got months and months to raise the money. And fuck, I'll finally be of age, and I plan on winning enough to travel Europe before grad school while I'm there. So who's with me? I'll keep plugging it until you all come around, and hell, if it's me Chris and Stacey, woohoo. (I promise I'll get them drunk enough to do each other if that's the case)

More on that later, though.

IMPORTANT:
There is a Mogwai show (YAY) here in Louisville next Friday night, and I desperately want to go but also desperately need someone to go with. Thus, if anyone out there is into Mogwai and has $10 and enough time to get here by 8 Bloomington time 9 Louisville, PLEASE email me and invite yourself along, I am REALLY wanting to go. Plus the Monday after is Memorial Day so that means automatic three day weekend....so whoever wants to go would get to spend three whole days with me if they wanted. I know this is a long shot, I can only think of a couple people I know who like the band or have heard of them, and only in my wildest dreams will they be emailing me.

Anyway. Not surprisingly, the fact that it is SO past my bedtime is catching up to me, and if I don't force my face into a pillow soon I shall never shake this "exhaustion flu" or whatnot I seem to be weighted with.
Teeheehee
I'm going to go crawl into bed with Stacey and beg her to let me suck her cock, if you know what I mean. (If you dont, shut the hell up, I'm talking about the Asshole's latest blasphemy) and then

No nevermind, I'm being gross because I'm sleepy.

I just wanted to say I love all you guys, and watching videos of us all from early college just rammed home how much we've all changed (for the better!) and I think we're hilarious and I could watch Oral Sex Macarena Dance all day long, just as I could watch Keith eat or Amy flirt or my chins on the Florida tape, just as I could stare endlessly at the collages on Stacey's wall like they're tv....I love you guys, and I know we all know that this kind of lasting (fuck...some of you I've known for 12 years or so)friendship isn't common, so I thank you for it

I am so curious to see where we end up after graduation. Hopefully all in Chicago like it seems we might.

I keep getting this nagging feeling that I should get my affairs in order, and straighten out the loose ends in my life, and I think it's a healthy "things can't be this perfect for long" pessimism in me, but in case I end up dying on the way home tomorrow, or in some sort of freak accident, or whatever, you guys know I love you, and you guys who don't like me these days know I love you too, and that's all I need to say tonight
*****

I can be so melodramaculous. I swear, i think I just wish my life were as interesting as i like to pretend it can be. I'm boring.
I really wanna go see Star Wars but all the people I can think of who would go see it with me have seen it already, which means I'll have to wait for JD to get back from Eville to make him go again. I hear it's awesome.
So I'm just getting out of bed, the wedding I was supposed to go to is just beginning (who has a fucking wedding at 11:30am? Don't they need time to get ready?) and I'm reflecting on how boring my day will continue to be. I think I'll probably snap here soon and drive to Louisville, when Stacey gets off work. I hate sitting around with nothing to do, it makes me feel itchy.
And why the crap is it so cold outside?

I'm all alone in the house and for some reason, although I like to think I "don't spook easily" every little sound is freaking me out. I'm in one of those bizzarro introspective moods I fall into every so often where I'm by myself for long enough to actually start reflecting a little bit on myself, and I'm worried that I'll soon start writing emails to people I shouldn't and making messes out of things that are progressively getting better (are they?) and it boils down to a need for me to expel this ridiculous nervous jumpy philosophizing in some written form, and this has to be it.

And I'm in a place where these days, I don't have much to complain about. I like my classes, I like my work in the lab, I love my roommates and I love my friends. My mom and sister and I all get along splendidly when I'm not living in the same house as them, as has always been the case, and things are comfortable. I'm close to the end of this part of school, the rest of my classes save my thesis writing are fluffy GPA boosters, everyone assures me I'll have my pick of grad schools, yet there are a lot of things that nag at me. It's like I've ripped a tiny hole in the knee of my favorite jeans and I'm trying to pretend I haven't, which is only making it worse.

No amount of scribbling in a journal brings me any more clarity on this.

I've written the part that goes here about five times now, deleting paragrpahs each time, unsure of how much I want to get into here, and how much I should bite my tongue about, and that in itself makes my decision for me.

Time to write things I'll never send
*****

Oh, and just a note or two:
I'm not REALLY "with child," I was just saying what I'd do if I had (inevitably, the way I make fun) a retarded child

I'm serious about this screenplay

I think I'm going to write a porn. It'll be loosely based (ha) on my own personal, sordid, dirty dirty dirty fantasies, and on Stacey and Chris' inevitable coupling. YOU GUYS KNOW YOU WANT IT
Just give in, as they say. Didn't Montel or someone do a whole show about people wanting to sleep with their best opposite sex friend because they'd be more comfortable with them? I fail to see why you guys shouldn't, if you haven't already, mwah hahahahaha. Neither of you have morals, right? Ha.

I just want to make fun of things.
For example. My new kitten? At my mom's house? It's a little black girl kitten and her name (cringe) is TINKERBELL. Not "Fang" or "Professor Murder" or even "George Clooney" as I suggested, but tinkerbell. I thought she'd let it go, but as soon as Jenny and I slowed our rallying cries of "no, please god, not tinkerbell, you can name it anythng but tinkerbell" she pulled the momish "oh, let's just call it tinkerbell because then I can call it TINKY"
So all her life she's wanted a cat named Tinky, or tinks, or tinkers
Jeeeze

Does everyone in the whole fucking world have a screenplay? Cuz if that's the case, I'm damn well going to write a new, updated and revised version of my Epic Story from high school. And it'll be rad, and Billy Bob will produce it and WHAM fame for us all. I think that would be a great project for us all to do during our senior years. I'll start the script tout de suite. Or maybe I could make another blog for it and you could all add your artistic input.
HA

I realized a few days ago that I am blissfully happy. Sometimes you don't even notice shit like that until it's gone, or until you're NOT happy, and I am thrilled shitless to have discovered it in time to enjoy it...although I must admit, I have this creeping feeling that someone I care about will die or something (or I'll have the baby and it'll be born retarded and I'll have to drown it) so all of you should be CAREFUL and take precautions NOT to die so that isn't a problem.

Thanks to everyone in my life for making it rad. Even the shitty stuff isn't so bad in my memories.
Hmmm. I like this peaceful feeling.
PILATES FOR EVERYONE

What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty

hahahah haha hah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahahahahahaha
GET CHO DICK OFF MY ELBOW MOTHAFUCKER

Only in Evansville can you be hassled by twelve year old shirtless boys in the back of their dad's pickup truck in the parking lot of Dairy Queen not once but THRICE. "Big Dick" and "Picnic" both technically make sense, but since neither was true, it seems likely that "you guys look like queers" was also probably not true. Whew. I mean, Janel and Stacey and I are definitely prime fodder for a well-constructed "you guys look like queers" taunt, but Chris? Come on, the boy is as straight as they come. And sitting around with a bunch of girls, one of whom badly wants in his pants (I'll leave the determination up to you, but here's a hint: rhymes with "NStacey" and isn't Janel or Liz) shouldn't prompt such a poorly thought out "insult." I don't remember so much trash existing in all the world when I was their age, let alone all in the back of one truck.
Hahahahah

First off, I think we should all take a minute to reflect on how BAD this ex-boy of Stacey's sucks. It's always annoying when something that seems potentially cool fizzles, and then to find out only months later that indeed he had a mysterious girlfriend, and to find out that he was saying bullshit about the whole thing, would be too much for me to swallow maturely. People who talk made-up shit need to be put in their place, be it with the power of reason, my feet, or my fists. After careful consideration and closer examination of the facts, I think that boy is a manipulative, self-serving bitch of a person and deserves nothing but contempt. Sometimes people make honest mistakes when they get themselves in over their heads and then, sometimes, we have examples like him. All you ever did was try to show him a semblance of love, and it seems like you've been lacking since. The hidden girlfriend was nothing you could even kind of prepare or defend yourself against, and he knew better. You don't try that hard to get into someone's pants and then try to cover your ass later by lying as hard as you can...I'm so revolted by his behavior, and so disturbed.
I wonder if he even meant to hurt you. It's a possibility that he thought somehow it was better to say the things he did rather than the truth, but obviously it wasn't the "best" thing for you. Thus, the boy is selfish, and all selfish people eventually get what's coming to them, even if it takes a couple years for the karma to catch up. Does he really think he'll get sympathy from bashing you and your insatiability (give me sex I need it i can't go ten minutes without it i dont care if you have a girlfriend please just do me) to people who know you better than he ever could have hoped to? Didn't he realize that the decent people you know form instant, lasting loyalties to you and would run to tell you? Surely this means he thought it would get back to you, and probably he thought you had already heard it by now. I imagine he thinks you heard, didn't care or weren't bothered by the news, and have continued to be nice to him. I think the mature thing to do would be mention it when he's being nice to you, as you've already stated you'll do.
The thing I would do, on the other hand....not so mature. I tend to fly into rages over things like this, stupid things based in some fictitious world where the person with the most to lose refuses to be honest with anyone (you, your friend Melissa, himself) and instead SELFISHLY tries to do you and keep the girlfriend on the side. I dont' think this boy was a very good "Player" and it's lucky for all of us you didn't fall harder than you did. I would hate to see any more time wasted mooning over this retard.
He's not worth your being upset, or your wasted time thinking about how things could have turned out differently, and I know you know it all already, but maybe it needs to be said for everyone's benefit all the same. Selfish people who hurt other people deserve all the shit we want to throw in their faces, and although you might never speak to him again and migt never really care whether he "got" the message, he will have heard you loud and clear, and if he has a shred of decency will bow out of your life for good.

I hate that you're upset, and I hate more that I can't wring his neck from here. I think the cathartic thing to do would be to write something scathing, something carefully constructed to hurt him as much as you possibly can with words...call him every mean name you can think of that applies to him, and say it in such a way that he knows you mean it. Tell him everything he's lacking and how worthless you now find him, and then throw in a dash of something unnecessary to make sure he understands your frustration. Then, if you feel ballsy, memorize the speech and yell it at him in front of the cafeteria. Or, if you never feel like that's an option, send it to him or tack it on his door, or put it somewhere he'll trip over it.
Part of you will feel better just for having written it, and even if you never give it to him you'll always know that you could, and if you did it would at least ruin his day. I find that my most overwhelming anger is usually calmed by putting thoughts on paper, no matter how little intent I have of sending it.
So I think you have some options, and I know you'll end up doing the mature thing and waiting for an appropriate time to confront him, and you should be commended for it. You always have the ability to tell him exactly what you think of him, and although it may not seem like much of a weapon, chances are good that he'll come away from your non-sexual tongue lashing with some soul-searching to do. Maybe he'll actually hear what you say, and who knows, maybe he feels guilty about what happened with you. Maybe you'll find the one button to push that makes him question everything about what he believes and how he behaves. Maybe you'll get through to him and stop it from ever happening to another person. then again, there's the chance that nothing you say will make a bit of difference, and all your smugness from having the last word will fade in time, and you'll be left with nothing to show for all your pain-staking Scathing Letter Writing. He might just be worthless, you know, and now that you know it you might just be better off taking the moral high ground and walking away. Dignity intact, of course, which is the most important thing.
Let him go be with those who can't or won't see him for what he really is. You're through with him.

And as far as the blow to your self-esteem, look at it this way. Of course people desire you. Chris wants quite badly to sleep with you, he told me himself (teehee). But really, you've had action since him and you'll always find more if you want it. This most recent guy liked you a lot, and Asshole even liked you, at least enough to want to sleep with you. He wasn't doing anything to hurt you specifically, I think he just didn't realize how special you are, and how observant and smart and cared for. I think he wanted an easy lay, and when he didn't find that in you it became too much of a struggle to balance the two sides of his existence. So he chose the Guaranteed Fucking route, and as much as that may suck since there were such cool things about him, he's just not worth your time. He ran like a fucking coward, and to make himself even more pathetic, he lied about something he should have been forthright about from the start. Oh, and then he lied to people whose loyalties lay with you, and that's where he crossed the line.
I think you'll recover nicely from the shock of all this; you are more resilient than anyone I know. Dont' let it get to you. It, as much as it may seem otherwise, was probably not about Hurting You. It was just a failed attempt to get more play than he needed and when he saw it collapsing, he bailed. Now you know. Good thing you weren't engaged and talking about baby names when you found out.
Trust is such an important part of any functional relationship, and once it's broken it's pretty much gone. You can't rebuild it overnight and he sure as shit can't expect you to want anything to do with him now that you know. I suggest you do what you think is best (duh) but know that I (and we) am always here for you if there's anything I can do to make this easier, or clearer, or something. Anything.
He didn't do this because youweren't good enough or pretty enough or anything enough, Stacey. He did it because he realized that you weren't going to make it easy for him to use you, and the effort he would have had to expend to keep everyone meaningful in the dark was too much for him. He's not good enough for YOU, and you know that. Don't let it get to you. Assholes come and go, and we've all had our share of ruined friendships and relationships that failed when people wanted more than we could give them, and as much as I hate to see you upset by this, I know you'll be completely fine. It's the rest of us we should worry about.

I love you, and I'm not the only one
*****

Today was the first day of summer school, my first ever day of summer school, and since all I'm taking is social psych (and the lab) and it's at 11:45, I already love the way this pseudo-semester is shaping up. I think routine will be much easier with a regular daily schedule, and that kicks ass.
I like my class already, whew, since this is one of my big possibilities for grad school that I can't seem to narrow down in my mind, and I'm hoping I love it.
And Hanako had time to sit down and talk to me about my honors thesis today, which is a big deal only to me, and that was cool of her. I think I pretty much know what I'll be going after, which is the hard part.
I've been watching Celebrity Jeopardy and laughing my ass off (all by myself) for about an hour now. I think that is my very favorite all-time best ever SNL skit. Possibly the greatest sketch comedy skit ever. I think a few of you have seen my cry and roll around on the floor watching it, so you'll understand. I loooooove that shit.
I've been on a baby kick lately, what with Hanako's latest and greatest being constantly around in the lab for me to hold and coo over, but I think I'm coming off the initial "OOOOOH a BABY" that I had. That baby poops a LOT, and eats a LOT, and although she's cute as all get out, well, um, she is really heavy after a couple minutes, and she's only 6 weeks old. I can only imagine lugging that around all the time. So I think it's safe to say I won't be making any silly pregnancy announcements lately. I'm officially off my baby kick.

Now. About all the summer birthdays and the fact that I won't be eligible for bar-hopping until finals week next semester. Chris I know, and everyone else should start planning ahead, is coming up to Bton for his 21st, and even if you're not old enough you should come too, or else I'll be crying all alone at home whining by myself. I think a grand birthday party for Mayor McBirthday is in order.

Eeh, I got bored writing about that. In fact, I am bored with typing. Do you ever wonder if anyone has a secret blog? I do all the time, and I swear I spent over an hour the other day typing in clever or witty addresses ending in blogspot.com and didn't find anything cool. Except for one you should check out, www.skyharbor.blogspot.com, which sounds SUSPICIOUSLY like Tim L but isn't ( at least, I think it's not...) he even talks about a girl named Hannah and his band. it's amusing.
I don't know why I am convinced that there are cool sites out there that aren't being linked to Stacey's, but I seem to be. Then again, I don't understand how these search engine thingys work, and I can't ever seem to get anything to bring up my page, let alone something rad like "hot babe pics college coeds" or whatever
eh. someday maybe

I vote that people I won't see as much this summer (I'm talking to Chris) start making their own blogs, so that I can read about their daily activites and stay caught up without having to write pesky emails (ahahah hahah ahah ahha ah)

Anyway, I'm going to go find more unintentionally funny blogs.

I've got this song in my head and it's called the Gentle Art of Making Enemies, or something like that, by Faith No More, which is not a band I personally listen to, but JD and I have spent a lot of time in the car in the past week and now I know the song almost well enough to perform at karaoke party. NOT.
Here are the lyrics I can remember, see if you can put it to a catchy tune and get it stuck in your head as well:
Don't cha look so surprised/Happy Birthday, fucker/and if we make it alive/I'm gonna kick you, kick you
and then there's the chorus, something about making excuses and putting up one hell of a fight
and then (my favorite, and the part that's been on repeat in my head)
I deserve a reward/cause i'm the best fuck that you ever had/and if i tighten up my hole/you may never see the light again

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
everyone go download that shit, it's an awesome song

SOOOOOO
I don't wanna talk about my weekend, it was 90% boring and only a little exciting and I'll just say the exciting part involved Stacey and me and Ashleigh and Toni and Amy, and since all we did was go and eat and shop and watch a movie, you won't think it too fascinating.
I start summer classes tomorrow, how bad does THAT suck, it's neverending. Oh, and it looks like I have to go home the next 95 weekends in a row, for things like Mother's Day and this wedding (anyone remember Tim Young and Beth Dazey?) and Jessica's ballet recital, and for some reason I don't want to deal with it.
So I brought my old couch up here today, you all remember that atrocity that used to be in my room? (If not, come visit, you have to see it) and it made me all mooshy reminiscent of high school, as did my finding two of my favorite photo albums and making Melissa sit and go through them all with me, and I just want to say how awesome high school was. You guys all kick ass, thanks. I forgot how cute we all are in group pictures, and how some of us had braces once, and how dorky we all looked at different points on the timeline, and and and and and and how adorable everyone is when they're dressed up, and that time we all went camping, and all the girls' nights, and AWESOME

I wish so badly I had a scanner and could post all the pictures I have on here. I wish I could waste the last 4 pictures on this roll so I could get it developed; I've been using this since earllllly February and I'm super curious to see what's on it

So i've been thinking for awhile now that I want to go to Las Vegas for a few days over Xmas break, and I know I've mentioned it to a couple people and everyone's been all "yeah how will I pay for that"
Yeha I don't know either

I need to go clean my room

THE GENTLE ART OF MAKING ENEMIES

The words are so familiar-
All the same greats, the same mistakes
It doesn't have to be like this.
If you don't make a friend, now
One might make you-
So learn
The gentle art of making enemies
Don't look so surprised
Happy birthday...Fucker
Blow that candle out,
We're gonna kick you
[Don't say you're not because you are]
[Don't say you're not because you are]
[History tells us that you are]
[History tells us that you are]
All you need is just one more excuse
You put up one hell of a fight
I wanna hear your very best excuse
Never felt this much alive
Your day has finally come -
So wear the hat and do the dance
And let the suit keep wearing you.
This year you'll sit and take it
And you will like it -
It's the gentle art of making enemies
I deserve a reward
Cuz I'm the best fuck that you ever had
And if I tighten up my hole -
You may never see the light again
[There's always an easy way out]
[There's always an easy way out]
[You need something wet in your mouth]
[You need something wet in your mouth]
Never felt this much alive

Hey Stacey and anyone else who's going home and might read this between now and when I get home:

I have your mom's number, and some other people's phone numbers, but if I don't get in until like 11 I don't wanna call them and piss someone off, so if you would, please call my mom's (it's ok if youwake her up but it's more likely I won't get the message) and either let her know where you'll be or what cell to call, or just come by there (you remember....off Morgan) anytime after 11 and see if you can find me. Or leave me a note. Or you can page me, fax me, email me, call my cell (HA ahahah ahah hahah)
I jus playin
So yeah, I hope ya'll read this this afternoon
And if no dice, I'll be calling you tomorrow morning, I was going to suggest the indian buffet myself:)

Ok, love to you all, see you tonight or soon
*****

Hey everyone
meaning, hey Stacey. hey to my one regular reader. Ha, ok, I know THAT can't be entirely true, since my counter recently broke 100 (WOO-HOO, way TO GO PEOPLE) after a little over a week. I can tell you all are just as bored as I am.
SOOOO
How has my awesome week been so far?
Ok, I had only one final to take (boo hiss, etc., I know) and it was tonight, and I rocked it, and it's bioethics, which sounds deceptively cool, but it was tonight and it is over! Yippee!! So I rocked it hard, thanks for wondering, and I'm sure JD and Chris did the same.
So JD and I went to Evansville Tuesday afternoon to kill time and because my mom was moving (don't worry, same phone number) and I wanted to help her. So on the way, we're somewheres between Elnora and Newberry (the smallest towns in all the land on Hwy. 57) and i'm watching this Jeep Wagoneer behind us swerve a little, and then BAM it goes plowing off the road and down the side of the ditch type thing and into some trees. For a second we thought it had made a weird turn onto a side road, but then noticed there wasn't a road. So we turned around, and at first we don't see the car, but it's further down, and this girl about our age is standing by the side of the road so we pull over and gape at her totalled car. She was fine, no one else was in the car, but it was smoking and had smacked into a tree. And she takes one look at JD and starts laughing and goes "You went to Castle, didnt' you?" and it's this girl named Shakina (yes, Shakina) from his drama class. And she's more embarrassed that he's someone she knows than about wrecking her car. So she uses his celly and calls what seemed to be an apathetic boyfriend, to whom she explained that she had been turned around and wasn't watching the road...and then she calls 911 and they dispatch....the Elnora volunteers. And I swear, like 8 beat up cars with cop lights atop them appeared within thirty seconds of her hanging up the phone, and the first guy that gets out is skinny and has bug eyes and is wearing a Sting (the wrestler) shirt that looks like it's been washed a bazillion times, and the rest of them form a sort of line behind my car and keep asking if anyon'es hurt and basically just sitting there looking at the car in the woods because none of them have towing capacity. And picture me and JD and Shakina, who keeps saying things like "I'm just a blond, I guess" (I could see three inches of roots) when the Elnorians ask her how she went off the road, all standing around and no one's really sayng anything and there's not much more for us to do. And she tells us we can go if we want, and although neither of us really wants to leave her with the swarm of bad-teethed rednecks, we hop in the car and speed off. And JD later remembers something about her being a Marine, or something, and we figure she can hold her own.
So then we get home and me and JD and the moms all went to Chili's, and even though I had to drag my mom kicking and screaming out of the house, she had fun. And then I spent most of the evening moving her into her new place, which is mucho bigger since jen'll be home all summer, and she's much happier there already. She's talking about getting a cat, which I think has been the problem all along. She needs a kitty to make her feel less isolated, I think. And she needs to go hang out with JD's mom, who is a hoot, and makes up for any shyness my mom may have.
And then we went to Kmart, and the next day to the Indian restaurant for lunch buffet (best idea...EVER) and and and
it's all a big boring blur, really. So we came home this afternoon and are going right back to Eville tomorrow night, so that means I need EVERYONE TO EMAIL ME with their phone numbers and cell phone numbers, cuz we is all doing something fun (who wants to go see Spiderman) when I get in, which might be actually around 11, so maybe no movie...but anyhoo, call me at my mom's (476-5630) anytime, it's never too late at night, ok?
And I have to go help JD pack up his dorm now, and watch Friends (teehee)
But I will see everyone who's coming home tomorrow, and I cannot wait!!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMWAAH
*****