Hippo Like You Belong In The Zoo

Well, time just flies by when you don't get dressed for three days because you gave yourself carpal tunnel writing ad nauseum, "this is not a sentence," and, "do not change tenses within a single sentence," and "this is not a word," and "no, you have not proven anything to me, you have merely made assertions that I find entirely questionable, probably because you do not back up your ideas with research, you simply speak in trite colloquialisms."

I will be the world's bitchiest teacher. I can't even help it.

oh dear lord, JD is laughing himself to tears watching this sketch show on BBC America that appears to be targeted at adolescents. I think we're going to defect.

Speaking of, we leave Thursday morning in the early ass A-M. I am so excited I can barely concentrate on anything else and I keep looking at Jenny's blog, at her itinerary, and crapping my pants at the thought that my sister and Mike are in Iceland right now and holy shit, my mother is in Scotland hanging out, just scanning the water for Nessie. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. My face might melt I'm so excited.

And because for some reason I delight in reading Jenny's itinerary, and there is no chance in hell I'll be updating this tomorrow or anymore before we leave, here is ours:

THURS, 15th June:
Fly LAX to Newark. Be bored off ass but also slightly jazzed. Fly Newark to Edinburgh.

FRI, 16th June:
Arrive in Edinburgh 10am. Exchange money. Pick up rental car. Drive to The Falkirk Wheel, drive to Stirling Castle, Drive to the wee little town on the west coast where we are staying in a bed and brekkie and meeting up with my mother (isn't that the cutest thing you can imagine? meeting my mother ever-so-cazzie in a foreign country? You guys have seen how she acts when we come to Indiana. I somehow think she will be even more excited to see us there). Check out the town and That thing on the hill called McCaig's Folly. And probably sleep for eleven thousand hours.

SAT, 17th June:
Hit up the local Tesco supermarket for groceries. Ferry the car and the mom and finance over the Sound of Mull and to Craignure. Go check out Duart Castle and Torosay Palace and then go get the keys to the real castle and start calling dibbs on all the cool shit; such as bedrooms and stuff. Hang out. Wait. At some point JD's entire family arrives in one big group. Whee. Go for long ass hikes. Everywhere. Oh fuck, I am so excited about hiking around.

SUN, 18th June:
Mike and Jenny arrive in afternoon! Pick them up from nearest town and go hike some more. Ruined towns from highland clearances. Stone circles. Cliffs. Etc.

MON, 19th June:
Back to town. Meet with registrar, photographer, potentially someone who sells flowers. Figure out details. Hang out with family.

TUES, 20th June:
Boat trip to Iona, then to Staffa then if there's daylight we'll bag a munroe.

WED, 21st June:
Get hitched. Yeee!

THURS, 22nd June:
Awkward breakfast with entire family. Haha. Fun family hangout time. More walks and shit. Jenny and Mike, sadly, back to bus station to head back into Glasgow. Last night with families. Can't say I'll be sorry. Ha!

FRI, 23rd June:
Send away all the family people. Castle to ourselves. Oh, that will be so nice. Maybe hang out in town? Mostly just hang out in castle.

SAT, 24th June:
Sad. Leave castle for Inverness. Drive past Loch Ness and tons of cool tourist shit. Aleister Crowley's house. Stop to do each touristy thing because I am a sucker for that. Buy up lots of Nessie paraphanalia. For you guys. You know you want it. Hang out in Inverness. We are staying in "the tartan room" of a particularly lovely little inn.

SUN, 25th June:
Day 2 in Inverness. Tear it up! And stuff.

MON, 26th June:
Drive to Aberdeen along whisky trail. Stop at every distillery. Will take days to get there. Also stop to see castles, since whisky and castle trail are essentially the same route. Check in to lovely hotel in the same town where I took baby ballet. Find old house. Bother new owners. Check out the "granite city" and try not to hate los angeles.

TUES, 27th June:
Day 2 in Aberdeen. Fuck, so awesome. Storybook Glen, bitches. that will only matter to Jenny. I'm tired of adding links. But I went there when I was little. I am DYING to see it again. I still dream about that place. Holy god. we'll do grown up stuff too, don't fret.

WED, 28th June:
Drive to Edinburgh through Perthshire. Check out Scone Palace and check into the fucking nicest hotel I've ever even imagined. I believe we are staying in the Library the first night and the Old Rectory the second. Drop off stuff. Guzzle champagne. Hit town. Oh my god I am so excited about Edinburgh. SO. EXCITED. ABOUT. EDINBURGH. I miss history. I love sixty degrees. Oh fuck, I love Scotland. Do touristy shit. Maybe we will have a nice dinner or something?

THURS, 29th June:
Edinburgh. All day. All of it. Go to Rosslyn. Fight DaVinci Code crowds. Le Sigh. More Edinburgh. More champagne. Lovely. Last night in Scotland, boo.

FRI, 30th June:
Return rental car. Fly back to Newark. Fly back to LA. Pick cat up from Aunt Kristin's on the way home. Sleep.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, this is so awesome. Can't wait. I cannot believe my mom and sister are already over there. Love you guys. I am really excited to get married, not just travel. Love JD. Lurve? his family. Anyway. Be safe. Smoochies everyone. Talk to you when I get back. Thanks for all the well wishing, you guys are kickass. HUGS!

U Hott Mami? Let's Make Luv

So, one of my and JD's favorite pastimes appears to be watching the Dateline series, "to catch a predator." If you haven't seen it, please watch it next week. It is fucking hilarious. This Chris Hansen guy is fucking brilliant. Hysterical. The way he sits them down and reads the transcripts of their im conversations back to them, verbatim, sends us into fits. I highly recommend it, I have laughed until I cried everytime I've seen this show. Plus the girl they use as bait looks just like jen miller's younger sister. Only adds to the hilarity.

In the past two days JD's car crapped a big one on us and dropped its fucking trannie and it was going to cost three thousand dollars and it was long and dramatic and we seriously almost bought a corolla today but then decided, nah, fuck it, we can share one car at least for a few months so he sold it to the transmission shop owner. *Wipes hands on apron*

There, squared away. Yes sir, squaaaaared away.

Oh and I am so busy my eyes are bleeding and I don't have time to take a shit. That's a lie. You have to make time for bodily functions. And stuff. Anyway.

I Love You So Dearly, I Love You So Fearlessly

today, by the same person, I was told the following. In this order:
1. My hair looks great today (thanks, it does).
2. I am a very strong writer (thanks, I needed that).
3. I am doing a bang-up job with this hulking beast of a chapter and she is very proud of me (thanks, also needed that).
4. When I write paragraphs like this, it "is much too basic for this audience. In fact, a statement like this one would insult people. It's written for undergraduates." (harrrummm).

Dudes, I am getting SUPER PSYCHED AND NERVOUS for next week! JD's car is probably on its last pathetic leg. FUCK! We are FUCKED! hahah!

love you guys