Once, Once I Knew How To Look For You

1. Fuck. Fuck if there is not a shitload of crap happening.

2. I'm constantly reading career-related shit now. Things that sound vaguely like concessions about choosing "alternative" careers from what I'm being groomed to do. To me, these things don't sound like concessions at all. I continually waffle on this topic-- what shall I do with myself?-- yet when we break it down into component pieces, I am not cut out for traditional career choices. I like JD. I like free time. I don't think the intrinsic joy of doing independent research offsets the costs of being so far up my own career's ass for such an extended amount of time still to come. And really, judging from the faculty I know who have recently been tenured, it doesn't let up once you cross that bridge. It's a fat fucking fiction that it's only this heavy for another 8 years (which sounds pretty gruesome anyway). I'm leaning. I'm leaning very decisively this time because I took a look around and it's been 4 years and it's time to get the fuck out of here. It will still take forever and there's a ton of work to do, but my fear and trembling about the next chunk of life has been replaced with steely resolve. Ish.

3. Some of this decisiveness is being prompted by JD's career trajectory. Which has recently become just that, a trajectory. It's shocking to both of us how quickly this happened, but in hindsight I am not totally surprised that he's become a rising star in his field, I think everyone who's ever met him has a strong reaction to him. Right now things are in this somewhat awful state of flux-- he has several offers on the table that we are discussing, the most heart-stopping being the idea that he's already at a point in his career at which he could viably choose to freelance himself out as a temporary consultant/contractor, traveling around the globe for chunks of time. This is totally enthralling, tinged both with selfish little whines like, "but then i would have to learn how to cook" and selfish little secret thoughts like, "oh god I could be so productive if he would go live on another continent for a few months."

Adding to the ambiguity of a career cobbled together with consulting opportunities is the abject terror I feel now that I am in my 5th year and even teaching funding isn't always guaranteed. At any moment (before each quarter, anyway), I can be informed that there isn't work for me. But when you work the uni pays your tuition/fees for you. Which are exhorbitant for people who aren't receiving a paycheck. And you have to pay your tuition/fees and be enrolled full time in order to live on campus. See how this snowballs? So I am contractually forbidden to find outside employment, yet I am no longer guaranteed anything from the school. And I am following a totally average time-to-degree course like everyone else in my program, and I am thus fighting bile about how screwed we will/would be if they yanked my funding and in-campus housing.

There are creative solutions, of course. I have friends, I can sleep on couches, especially if my husbie is traipsing around in the south pacific. But I don't want to deal with all this added uncertainty and shittiness now. Grad school bureaucracy is total bullshit. And some days I feel spiteful enough to think, secretly, "Oh yeah? No teaching funding? No on-campus apartment? Well, suck on this, bitches: ABD! That's right! I fucking said it."

What kind of manky fucking system trains people up this well and refuses to make it reasonable to finish a thesis? Honestly.

Anyway. I'm getting fed up, and that irritation is incredibly motivating, and I suppose that's what is important. I'm getting to a good, zen place from which I can crank out a proposal and finish the shit I'm working on, and assume that I'm not destined for a top-tier anything, and be totally content with my 85% effort comfort zone. Even my excellent advice-er has lately expressed intense misgivings about the "crapshoot" that is the trad'l job market. I love her for that. I love the profs who candidly say, "I got a job with 3 publications. you can't do that anymore. you guys are totally fucked." and no, I don't even have three publications. And I'm not holding my breath to have three before I leave here, either.

BOO HISS.

Gonna Teach You Tricks That'll Blow Your Mongrel Mind

Happy would-be birthday to my dad! He'd be 59 today. Poop on cancer. Have you guys noticed all the attention genetic testing has been getting in the media lately? Maybe that's just because I keep debating whether I should get those tests done. On one hand, yay, maybe I'm no more at risk for it than you guys. On the other, waaaaaay more realistic hand, there's an 80% lifetime chance of at least one (?) cancer and something like six thousand percent chance of a second cancer after that first one.

I don't know what can be done other than to control all the things that aren't genetic that are under my jurisdiction. Veggies are way better off than omnivores. Exercise is good for you. I eat so much fiber you guys would blush if I told you about my bathroom habits. Haha. I have an optimistic and positive outlook on life in general and I am surrounded by people who support me rather than tear me down or otherwise detract from my mental, emotional, and physical well being. I eat antioxidants like candy. etc.

But I will probably still get cancer and die from it. All cancers are terrible, yes. This particular one is ruthless. Everyone dies.

So the scary thing with the genetic testing is more about my hypothetical future kids than knowing for myself. Because then I start doing that math. Yuck.

Oh whatever. I'm so Debbie Downer. At least there are ways to screen for colon cancer and there are lots of options when you catch it early. Speaking of, I'm going to sweat out some negativity in the gym and then come home and stuff my face with acai. I'll pour some berry juice out for the hoardes of family members who didn't move to the west coast to become dirty, crunchy-granola hippies with visible purple auras later today. Hope you're all doing well.

And Bloodlust Tanks and Crave Gets Slaked

1. Yes, I saw the OpEd in the NYT about how veganism kills babies. However, veganism didn't kill that baby, stupid fucking parents did. I'm too pissed about this characterization of veganism of a totally left-wing, radical, granola-chomping cult of ignorant hippies to do the whole rational counterpointing thing, but luckily there is a whole community of people who are better writers and better tempered to say something meaningful. Babies aren't "made of fish oil," for christ's sake. I know more about babies and JD knows far more about nutrition than Pissy Pants McHates Veggies anyway. When we decide to have babies, rest assured that they will be completely well-fed and their cognitive development will be provided for. Without fish oil or raw milk or any number of diabetes- and cancer-promoting ingredients. Jeeze.



2. We went to/participated in a lovely weddding last weekend. That was nice. I like talking to brides who are all, "uh, did you feel cold feet and think about running away right before you got married?" to me, because that makes me feel less crazy. Also I like talking to the ones who are all, "I can't even imagine having to do this in front of a bunch of people," because that is also how I felt. No offense to any of you. But having my mom's friends or random cousins or people I just don't give a shit about seemed really unnecessary. Whatever.



3. Keith came to visit for a couple of days last week. That was fun too. I don't have any illustrations of that. So here's more from that wedding.

Gimme Back My Fishnets

So last night I had an awesome dream. In it, Janel was dragging me out onto a marching band field. I was supposed to be a drum major, but for some reason I had decided to be the topless drum major. Once I started walking out to the football field I began to rethink the decision to be topless, but by that point it was too late. Had to own it. Owned it.

Then, also weirdly, Janel then started pulling on a pair of really slutty fishnets (I happen to own this exact pair of slutty fishnets) that matched her slutty lingerie she was wearing (which I also own). I was kind of like, "hey, why are you wearing my slutty lingerie? don't you have your own?" but instead I felt like it was the uniform and everyone should wear it.

Then in the same dream I was on myspace and saw that JD, my husband also in the dream, had left me a myspace comment and I was so excited because I hadn't talked to him in awhile. Wtf.

You Tell Me To Keep Things Quiet

Got bored. Actually, got sick of this thing I was doing so I fucked around with this for an hour instead. Thanks a fat lot, blogger, for forcing the change in the first place. Not the template change, but W-E! I don't need a google account. But I guess the other template was pretty hard to read.

Am boring today. Felt sick all day yesterday. I love being a womyn. Did not get anything done thanks to it. Which is a real pity since I am so swamped right now. Obviously.

What was I going to tell you, blog? Oh who cares. Something uninteresting, probably.

We had a good anniversaire, thanks. Nothing interesting. I don't have any funny stories to tell you. I'm going to go to Boston in March and hang out with Jenny and possibly Raedy and see the Decemberists again. That's really exciting.

Mostly I slept, have slept, have been sleeping. That was nice. I'll be up late tonight, though. We are supposed to hang out with some of JD's friends and I have a lot of work I need to get done so I am getting cranky thinking about hanging out. I will have to put my face on, for example, and change out of pants that make my butt look like a saggy, concave trucker butt. I will need to apply some sort of heated implement to my hair and I just don't want to. I will need to polish up my small talking skillz, which I will also need tomorrow night for the Stupid Prospie Dinner that I also don't want to go to. Oh, it hurts me too.

Today I signed up for a free version of this: Backpackit and it's awesome. You guys should do that too if you like being neurotic about everything.

Uh, what else?

Christ I'm boring. Just checking out the new look.

The Road To Awe

Ok, ok. I realize that the movie The Fountain is not playing everywhere, especially now. I realize that even here, it is now only in LA, and probably not anymore as of this weekend. However. You should see it. If you have to wait until the dvd comes out, that's cool. You don't even need to rent it. Just buy it. Seriously. And I hate buying dvds just to have them. It's one of the best movies I have ever seen, and I knew that once I saw it, but also kind of ignored it until yesterday when the soundtrack (played by Kronos Quartet and Mogwai) arrived in a package with a bunch of shit I ordered from Amazon as my xmas present from my mom (yay gift certificates!).

I have listened to the inarguably mind-blowingly awesome soundtrack on repeat since I got it yesterday afternoon. I am listening to it now. I am struggling with the fact that I will have to take it out of the cd player at some point to import it into my computer, so I can also burn copies of this for those of you who have requested comp cds. And my mom, because she would really like it, and she is coming up on a very big milestone-- one month smoke free! (On January 21st--everyone please congratulate her). I am sick with pride for my mom. I can't remember the last time she did something that honestly impressed me this much. She is doing awesome and she keeps sending me emails and photos of the food she's been cooking for herself, and you know what? I am really happy that it is stuff like veggie stir fry, rather than buttered egg noodles with raw steak and boxed wine.

*I like to read science blogs whenever it is the weekend and celeb-gossip sites are not updating, and today I found this beauty of a study which seems like the perfect idea for my Brayne Photography class project. Indeed, it sounds like the best idea for a study...ever. Now, I just need some volunteers from the audience. Ahem.

*Ashleigh, did you and Jim get kittens?

*I washed and did my hair yesterday morning (I am sick but doing that, "well, there's no reason I have to goddamn LOOK sick" denial thing) and put makeup on and went to my tee ay class and my friend All ison was all, "wow you look really pretty today! something about your face!" And that really knocked me off my game (she is very straightforward with compliments and I admire that about her but it always unbalances me) so I muttered something about makeup and then slunk back into the crowd of children multitasking through her intro class. Yesterday's offenders? Two kids in front of me looking at the the iPhone and a girl next to me who sighed loudly every few seconds. Elbowed me while writing. Glared at me when I unwrapped cough drops. Hey, you sat next to me. It's not my problem that you didn't want to sit by someone with obviously contagious respiratory problems.

*I saw the movie The Queen the other day. Pretty interesting. What? I see movie when I'm stressed out. It's the only thing that helps. Other stuff just lets my mind keep running while I'm trying to relax. Movies are nice and escapist.

*My ladiefriends are coming over this afternoon to eat pizza and watch tivo'd episodes of the office. B tells us that she (she is the blond one in the photos, not the married one) has recently dyed her hair back to its natural color- a darkish brown. I am DYING to see this. She has been blond the whole time I've known her. I'll let you guys know what I think. I cannot picture it, but for some reason I am proud of her. We had yoga Wed and Douchebagg McExboyf is somehow taking that yoga class (I do not understand how he gets into the building with no student id) and she looked surprised to see him there and then after class we had some really awkward conversation with him (like, really awkward. he's such a weirdo) and then he stopped to talk to the instructor and we ran away. I asked her about him and she made it sound like she hasn't ruled him out completely but they're not seeing much of each other and that's what she needs right now. I almost hugged her. I like it when people make good decisions on their own (and that's not an imposition of my will, I think it's an objective thing that this guy is a piece of turd).

*JD signed us up for blockbuster's version of netflix. so yesterday we got five new movies in the mail. Excellent, right? No. Sigh. Last night we watched that zack braff movie The Last Kiss ( I think it ALMOST went straight to dvd). Not as bad as you'd think. Still pretty baddish. and I really like rachel bilson (not her acting, ok, but i think she's precious) so it had that going for it too. One really good line about your own feelings of love for another person not mattering to anyone but you and all that really matters is what you do. I agree. Anyway, if you're going to rent or watch a movie, or if you're considering road trips to cities with art houses, find a city with The Fountain still playing and see that over almost anything else. Except I would also push for Pan's Labyrinth, that was a kickass movie too. See that if you can't find the Fountain.

*I am trying, all the time, to radiate gratitude. Even though I am unfairly sick (again!) this week, and even though skool is totally hard and shit. I am very very lucky. I have everything I need. and everything I want, except pineapple orange banana juice. Ah well, I'll content myself with a pot of coffee and a few hours of nerdly data finagling before my friends come over for party time.

*LOVE YOU GUYS! I hear rumblings of a possible visit out here, and I won't jinx it yet but I am already SO EXCITED to see those of you who may be considering coming out here. YOU ARE TOTALLY GOING TO LOVE IT, JUST ASK JENNY. At least you will love the food and weather. Kisses.