And

I just found out that I passed. The test.

Fuck, I really needed that today.

Warm Copies Make Everything Better



Awww, isn't that nice? Daily dose of something that reminds me of you guys. Yesss, nice.

I am having a hard time. Just kind of in general, I feel like I'm hitting a wall with a lot of things. I just listened to a tawlk (right, liz, because someday someone might google the word "talk" and find your blog) about relationships. And it actually felt really relevant to my life, which made it a thousand percent more interesting. Basically, women do all the work in a relationship. and then if she's stressed out and can't do the work, the whole thing goes to shit. For whatever reasons.

JD is, like, awesome. I'm not talking about him. I had a meltdown at Keith the other night because I have been really busy and really stressed out and working really hard on a lot of things, personal and professional, business and pleasure, and basically I was so fever-pitched about everything that I had all these pivotal, obvious revelations whilst talking to him that I have all the time (e.g., he doesn't actually care about me; the relationship we have right now exists exclusively because I will it to exist; I put in 300% of myself and not only get nothing back, I am not improving his life either so I am just wasting my energy, etc.) but in a more dramatic and upsetting way.

He really, truly, seriously does not give a shit what my life is about. Does not want to hear it. Cannot bear to hear it. No matter what I say, it becomes a big long defense about how my dislike of this situation is basically my own doing (but not my fault, mind you, there is a fine line between things that I caused and did and it being something we can blame on me) and in so many words he intones to me that not liking the status of things = too fucking bad.

Anyway. I have had a really, really, really high tolerance for that kind of bullshit for a really, really, really long time. Dear reader, you need only click through any of my archived entries to distinguish the following annoying themes of my life:

1. Keith, waaaah. Why is he so mean and stuff?
2. I have _____ coming up that is scaring me and is hard
3. I just successfully completed #2. Yay!

That is so annoying. This blog is annoying. This cycle is annoying. Isn't it annoying that I always "realize" obvious, stupid things? I would want to smack me.

Anyway, so the point is that I noticed that I am alarmingly less able to weather his bullshit when I have depleted emotional/mental resources. I totally fucking fell apart. I just felt dead inside thinking about it. And exhausted. I've never felt numb to that #1 theme before, that I recall. Usually I feel a lot like shit, sometimes I feel optimistic. I just felt...tired. Spent. Empty. Sick of having the same fucking talk. Over. and over. to no avail, with no forward progress in mind, just to have it. Run down the same list of reasons he shouldn't have to be nice to me. The same list of pivotal choices that could have gone the other way. The same boring, deluded laundry list of why things have to be the way they are. Sometimes he says he can't help it, he treats everyone like this. But it all feels deliberate, and it all feels like punishment.

SIIIIIIGH.


Everything today just feels off. I am wearing a shirt with a stain on it that I didn't notice until just now. My pants are slightly too short. I feel really socially inept around my own friends. I have to concentrate on some stuff this afternoon but I finished grading the mountain of shit I had to do last night and all I want to do is get in bed with nothing looming over my head.

I am, in general, feeling like this delicate little web is going to collapse at any moment. I am having an attack of that impostir sin drome that is so fashionable among post-secondary education students these days. I want it to be temporary, but I feel like I am underwhelming everyone right at a time when it is most crucial that I step up my performance and not suck so badly.

Glance, Don't Stare


ALLO CHICAS!

Whatta week, whatta week. I am so tired. all the time now I am tired.

First, YAY INDIANA! Never thought I'd say that. Nice job, you guys! I am so excited. Here in the OC we were less...dramatic with our decisions. No new governator. No awesomely huge tax on cigarettes ($2.60 per PACK, you guys). No alternative energy. Thanks a lot, lie-based counter commercials. Anyway. I got some things I wanted. Can't be mad. Plus, Indiana! And Congress! Holy crap!

The mood among academics here on campus is decidedly smug.

So I have been freakishly busy. We got an on-campus housing offer so we scrambled around this last week to redo our lease so we could break it and don't get me started about the money stuff regarding that, I am extremely mad at my current apartment complex about many things, but since after December 12th they can kiss my fat on-campus butt, fuck 'em. I will say that moving to a smaller (cozier!) apartment within reasonable walking distance from campus with most utilities included in the rent, saving us ~$800 PER MONTH, YOU GUYS is not a bad trade.

So that's good news.

One of my good friends here has been going through a very very bad nasty breakup since last week and that has actually been quite time-consuming for me as well. That's totally fine, but another friend and I are taking her in shifts, kind of, and keeping her mind off it and on fun things means I'm not getting work done on time this week. For example, we have collectively reworked this friend's trip to hawaii for another friend's wedding in december so that she does not have to pay for anything and the ex can cancel the tickets and reservations he already made, and fuck the hell off. We spent most of Sunday in LA with her at her parents' house, and I think JD may come to our yoga class tonight and sit outside the building watching for the Ex so that he can intercept him if he tries to find my friend where he knows she'll be at a certain time. We are also juggling tag-team phone calls and monitoring and every time one of us talks to her we call each other to catch the other up on her status as of right then. It's very busy.

Then there's work. Oh lordy. I felt so completely stupid after my class today that I called JD and made him take me to lunch or else I would've sat and stewed about feeling stupid for the rest of the afternoon. I feel ok now, thanks, but jeeze. I am too busy to be prepared for anything and as a result I am falling behind and disappointing everyone. Hopefully I can dig out of this by Saturday. I cannot believe how long it takes to grade certain types of things. I am hateful of it, for sure.

So we're moving, work is sucky, my poor friend is heartaching, i'm sleep deprived, yay election, yay that i talked to many of you on the phone yesterday for random reasons, yay breaking lease and sticking it to the man. To recap.

Woof.