So May The Sun, Rise, Bring Hope Where It Once Was Forgotten

I had to get it out. I'd been trying not to talk about it for way too long. And that is not how I roll, at least not without severe gastrointestinal side effects. I felt much better until I realized that linking him was yet another subversive way of trying to force him to have a dialogue with me. In a way he is pretending that I don't exist, and sometimes I feel like he should be forced to acknowledge that I didn't stop existing, but that's not fair. He's allowed to do whatever he pleases. He's allowed to post things that obviously had a context at one point in time, but no longer do. At the very least, I now understand how he is managing this. His commitment to this separation has been unwavering, and of course it has been. If I ruminated on the most horrible things he's ever said to me, I would want nothing to do with him, either. But I can't do that.

Like I said, there's not a lot I can do with this situation that's even remotely honest. But I can feel better when I talk with those of you who understand me better than I understand myself, and I can take bitter comfort in the fact that he has convinced himself he is in a better place with potential for personal growth. And that's all I can do. And I suppose that has to be enough. People have had worse. I've had worse. I'm just not sure how to grieve someone who's still out there. I want to hope, but it's going to be easier once I let that go. So thanks for listening, internet. And thanks especially Jenny and JD.
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Ahem. *tap tap* This thing still on? What's awesome in my life? Oh, pretty much everything:

-The Roommate is moving out. Like, soon. Not even waiting until July. A friend needs a roommate the second week of April. APRIL! I am fucking through the roof.
-We went out to WoL to celebrate last night. And it was delicious.
-And we saw V for Vendetta. Which ruled. As we were leaving the theater, though, these "cool" guys with really small heads and matching leather jackets announced, "That was pretty cool. Except what was up with all the political shit? Totally not necessary." Right. Because usually when previews for a movie show some girl having her head shaved in a prison it's got nothing to do with politics. Whatever. Then the one with the smallest head turned abruptly and shouted, "I'm just going to go over here (makes eye contact with me) and take a PISS!" I glared at them and kicked them with my pointy boot. Not really, but I wish I had.
-I've been writing/working dilligently. Yesterday I was told, not by my real advice er who ultimatumed me in February, but by my secondary one, that I have shown a "complete turnaround" that is "very noticeable" and that I have been "more productive in the last month than the rest of the time" she's known me. Which I know is supposed to be a compliment but really only made me think two things: 1) She and my other advisor clearly talked about me in a "what do we do about her" kind of way, and 2) I sucked at this the whole first half of grad school? Well. Great.
-I picked up some cute little favors for you guys. I know, right, you can't hardly wait.
-I got three packages in the mail yesterday when i was expecting zero. My mom sent me some st.patty's day-themed dish towels. And we received two wedding presents. No, you did not! You total ridiculous sweetheart! Which I am not opening, but have decided rather to pile on the dining room table until we have enough to build a fort. Then I am going to live in the fort.
-It's cool though, since I actually picked up thank you cards yesterday. I wonder, is it tacky to send thank yous before you've even thought about invitations? I have no idea but I will do it anyway.

Dude, I am so excited about seeing some of you guys next weekend. I'm having bladder control problems because of it. If any of you ladies are bored or interested I am going to bring my dress and make JD's mom fit it for me sometime on Saturday. It will have to be in my hotel because I refuse to have it exposed to dog hair, cat hair, cigarette smoke, boxes of red wine, piles of nascar magazines perched precariously above it, beer farts, etc. I just need the boob part not to flop to the side and show my goodies to the ruddy faced little registrar man. That's all I need.

Back to chaptering. I'm on the way to total done-ness by next Friday! (I mean, done for the weekend).

The Moon Is Not Only Beautiful, It Is So Far Away

I feel like I need to face some demons of mine. There’s something about having an ipod full of post rock that makes a person start to feel like owning up to things. So. In the name of full disclosure, I want to talk about Keith. Keith and I aren’t friends anymore. Most of you know that, and everyone who reads this probably has his or her own opinion of his character. And probably, those opinions span the entire spectrum of possibility. But hear me out.

So we stopped being friends last summer. We want different things from each other, and neither of us can find it within ourselves to compromise. We kind of talked every so often through early fall, and we both knew it was terrible and we were drifting apart, but we both also kind of thought it was necessary to deliberately stop being close. Well, he thought it was necessary. I did for a little while but then changed my mind because I didn’t want to stop having him in my life. Part of me knew it was for the best but the other part of me just didn’t want to let him go. We’d already gone through this crap once before, where he stopped talking to me for a whole year in college. So I guess I realized what it would mean for him to be gone, and I remembered how I hadn’t liked it all that much the first go-round, and I dug my heels in. Or at least, I tried. I’m sure I came off pretty desperate, but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. I wish I could attribute that to loyalty, but it’s pure selfishness on my part. I liked Keith. I didn’t want to let him go. There were things about him that I appreciated having in my life, that I didn’t want to imagine life without. I’m sure we all have people like this in our lives, who we connect with on a different level than anyone else. I thought about how long he’s been a major player in my life (six years) and how much he and I had been through together, and how much I cared about him and valued his opinions on things, and I didn’t want to lose him.

Obviously, I lost him anyway. You can’t really force someone to talk to you when they’ve decided they’re better off without you around. I tried to force him anyway, and for a couple months I was moderately successful, but I was doing it in the most manipulative possible ways, and it was really unfair of me. There is also something wholly unmysterious about an engagement ring and a happy relationship that made my attempts even more abrasive to him, and more pathetic in my own eyes. We talked a few times in October, I finally told him I was engaged (and it was like pulling teeth for me to do it because I knew that was all he needed to steel his resolve), I talked to him when that tornado hit Newburgh and he said his family was ok and I said I had to call my sister and we just never talked again after that.

I miss him a lot. I may have made it (ahem) sound otherwise to you, but I really miss him. There’s not a lot I can do with this situation that is honest, and it’s frustrating. I completely understand why he doesn’t want to be part of my life, but it completely breaks my heart that he’s gone. Every day. It is absolutely selfish to want him to hang around for my benefit, and it’s not something I think I could do either, if I were in his shoes. So I have just been trying to accept things for a few months. It comes and goes. There is so much that is so awesome in my life that it’s really hard for me to justify the pity party I want to have for myself every so often. It hurts because he’s been one of my closest friends for such a long time, and it’s not going to be the duration of a year this time. He’s gone for good, and I feel that absence acutely. And yeah, I think he’s better off without me in his life. It is a bitter thing to realize, but it’s true. I wanted to think that I enhanced his life but I really just made a mess of everything for him. And no one needs that. I’m still trying to make sense of it. I’m still hoping my phone is going to ring. But I do, honestly, know that I have to let that all go. He’s done me a twisted favor by taking himself out of the equation, and I have to respect that, at the very least.

I want badly to launch into my typical “life’s too short” tirade that you’ve all grown so weary of over four years of blogging, but I’ll restrain myself this time. I have tried everything I can think of to argue him back, to convince him that we aren’t destructive forces in each other’s lives, to manipulate him into a logical stalemate wherein he must admit that I am not necessarily right in wanting this, but I may also not be wrong…I have stooped to record lows (those of you who have known me for years are probably gasping in horror at that—not.) to bully him into talking to me, I have been unrelenting in my campaign to challenge his decisions. I have been the worst kind of person to him, and the least compassionate in my recalcitrance. I am totally ridiculous, and utterly self-absorbed. I justify it all by telling myself, falsely, that it may one day mean something to him that I fought him on this. It doesn’t mean anything, other than that I am a pathetic and undignified person who isn’t even strong enough to do the one thing that this person I love beyond measure needs from me. But I am trying. And I will get there. But for now, I miss him like I would miss my arm if someone took it.

Friend of The Night

My life is fairly glamourous. I just noticed it the other day. I am absurdly content these days. I have become the typical coffee-lugging, disheveled-looking, overworked and underslept graduate student, but I am starting to love it. There is something life-affirming about having two papers approximate decency at the same time. The other grad students who read this will understand what Hell your life is when a paper is going through the first two dozen rounds of edits and conceptual rewrites.

I really enjoy coffee. I really enjoy wearing sunglasses and flip flops every day of the year. I really enjoy reading the weekend paper and working the sudoku and the crossword and having research epiphanies while I'm doing the distractor tasks. I really enjoy working on things when at least 20% of my projects are going well. I am very content.

Also, we got those eight bajillion post rock cds. Fucking hell, they're awesome. When I get them more under my belt I'll start shipping out comp cds. Or maybe I'll make one of songs that remind me of you specifically :)

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, one more class to muddle through. Then there's filler-- finals week and spring break. Ahh, sweet relief from slotted time obligations. I can't wait.