I Won't Let You Murder It

Tuesday morning I was sleeping on Jenny's air mattress, and I had gone to bed around 3am and I knew we all had to get up and leave by 9 because I had to take Keith back to the Indy airport, and then I had to return my rental car and sit around bored and angry about being bored for a few extra hours.

I was having a weird ass dream, the particulars of which have since escaped me, except to know that it was W.E.I.R.D.

And then I feel a gentle tickling on my cheek, and my first conscious thought is that Moe is grazing his whiskers on me out of love because he loves me and can't wait for me to wake up. My next is that those "whiskers" feel suspiciously like legs.

Immediately I am wide the fuck awake and I brush one hand upward, connecting with a body of something as my other hand tears the covers off of me and in less than two milliseconds I am all the way across the room holding back a scream. Because the thing that was crawling unapologetically on my goddamn FACE was the BIGGEST, HARRIEST SPIDER I have ever seen. And I am arachnaphobic.

So Moe, my defender, sees the spider and starts stalking it, but then just as I start to relax he gets distracted and loses it. Gross. I stand across the room contemplating the correct course of action for about ten minutes. It's 7:30am and I am annnoyed at being awake, but there is NO WAY IN HELL I can lay back down on that bed.

Eventually I creep over to the bed and start gingerly picking up individual items (one pillow at a time, that's right, between disdainful thumb and forefinger) and examining them for Treacherous Wretches and fling them against the wall when i find nothing.

Finally I have cleared the bed of all frivolity and find the Monstrous Beast hiding under a fold of the sheet. "Aha!" I cry, grabbing the cat and trying to direct his ADD-addled attention to the Lurking Creature. He ignores it, meows, and I try blowing on the spider to get him to move. Eventually Moe sees him and leaps from my arms. Then I realize I'll have to kill this thing.

I go in search of an appropriate implement and I see that Jenny is awake and reading in Levi's room. I introduce her to the situation, where Moe has chased the Soulless Critter into Jenny's closet, unfortunately strewn with every single item of clothing Jenny owns.

I think at first Jenny doens't believe my story about how huge and gross this thing is, but then he peeks out from one of her bras in the closet and she starts shrieking. We both shriek, because shrieking is totally contagious, and we run downstairs to where Keith is sleeping on the couch to rouse the Man. Yes, that's very embarrassing.

Keith does NOT feel sorry for us, and does NOT feel compelled to get up and harpoon the spider with his own shoes, the only shoes we could find that seem big and heavy enough to efffectively do the job. (This Atrocious Freak was no less than four inches in diameter, I shit you not). We shrieked and cajolled until he finally, half asleep, rose to duel the spider.

We point out the spider, and use Moe to lure him into the open, then Jenny and I grab Moe out of the way (dont' want spider guts dirtying his lovely tabby fur) and Keith proceeds to kill the spider in the only logical way: By hurling his shoe straight down on it from six feet in the air over and over. No one wants their hands or personage to come within several feet of this Monstrosity.

When he is killed he leaves a bloodstain on Jenny's carpet.

And we all jump up and down excitedly, and later we make Keith clean it up too, because we are so freaking scared of it. I cannot believe that thing was on my fucking FACE.

GEEE-ROOOSSS!!

fin

Milky Milky Cocoa Puffs

1. I am a total, undeniable douche. Sorry. Two weeks was clearly NOT enough time to be in the midwest, because I didn't have a chance to hang out with a large number of people that I wanted to see. Nor did I even bother to call you, knowing as I did that I was too lazy or busy to be able to spend any kind of substantial amount of time with you. That makes me a Certified Douche. I am sorry, seriously. I am already thinking I may come back to the middle of the country in September, or something, because I need to see my grandma and Raedy and there's this wedding I might attend and then everyone who's reading this. Yikes, I totally suck. Please feel free to let me have whatever shit you want to give me.

2. Douchiness aside, I had a Killer Time with the few of you that I did get to spend a large chunk of time with. I was not expecting that I would have that great of a time, and I am really really happy that I worked things out with a couple people and managed to laugh myself retarded at least forty times in two weeks.

3. I am really relieved to be back in my apartment, where I have such luxuries as scented candles and unlimited quantities of shampoo, and can choose clothing from more than two or three remaining clean shirts. I also am very happy to become reacquainted with my bed, upon which I lazed away the vast majority of this morning, trying to recover from sleep deprivation and jet lag. (Ha!)

4. So, here is a list of all the cool shit I did while home:

*Hung out with Jenny and Levi
*Ate at every restaurant in Bloomington I wanted to eat at
*Drove to Evansville with Jenny and Keith
*Hung out with my mom and her new kitten
*Drove back to Bloomington and then Indianapolis with Keith to pick up rental car and send him back to work
*Hung out with Keith's friends Matt and Laura, and Laura's mom
*Drove back to Bloomington
*Drove back to Evansville
*Hung out with Mike
*Hung out with Ashleigh
*Hung out with Mike and Ashleigh and Keith
*Made plans to go to Boston
*Went to Boston using passes from Keith
*Boston/Cambridge was awesome
*Went to a bridal shower with Keith in Indy
*Drove back to Evansville
*Drove back to Bloomington
*Drove to Indianapolis


5. I did a lot of driving. I also went to Hammerheads on Saturday where I briefly saw Melissa, who looked ridiculously cute. And I met Jessy (sp?) though I'm not sure she knows who I am. And I walked in on a girl peeing in the bathroom while I was there. Because she didn't close the door. And I shrieked and apologized and she was like, "no biggie, just don't want to touch ANYTHING." Didn't follow her logic entirely. Watched two other people walk in on the same girl, have same conversation. Watched Ashleigh dance with Melissa and Jessy. From the safety of the creepy circle of voyeurs that had formed at the perimeter of the dance floor. Drank. Won the four-person basketball tournament that Mike and Ashleigh and Keith and I started. Won fair and square. Sorry, Keith, you took it way too seriously. I can't help it if the balls were jumping up of their own accord and hitting you in the face. It IS totally weird. No, I didn't cheat. Drove to Ihop. Listened to loud drunk lesbians talk about wanting vodka with a side of nipples. Watched M and K eat dry pancakes like they were woodland critters. Watched M lick syrup off the table (see fotoblog chronology later today).

6. other than Hammmerheads, I ate at the Carousel, ate twice with janet, ate at biaggi's, etc. Ate. Period. A lot. gained thirty pounds in the span of a week. Slept very little and then wasted other whole days sleeping in. Had really really good talks with everyone. Went to a bridal shower turned pool party. Fun. Walked around Harvaard in the rain. Fucking awesome. Found the only urbin outfittersh in america with a bargain basement. That's right, got 5 shirts for 40 bucks. Neener.

7. Am currently sweating from having laptop on lap for so long. Will finish this later.

And If You Start Asking, I'll Be Hostile-Acting

Ok, so, not a lot of time. To those of you I still haven't contacted since I've been in the area for over a week now, I am a douche and I'm sorry, I've been running around all over the goddamn southern half of the state picking up rental car, hanging with jenny, etc and now I'm helping her get ready for her Baastiin interview that we're flying out for tomorrow (thanks again Keith!) and we have to leave from indy super early and I won't be back in eville until saturday, I'm thinking, or really late on Friday, so could you please all check your schedules and see if you have any free time on Saturday, Sunday, or potentially Monday that you would like to spend with me maybe eating lunch or something, let me know by calling me on the phone. I will try to stop being such a freaking douche when I get back, but that leaves very little time and I know it and I feel bad but if it makes you feel better I didn't have time to go see my g.ma either, so this whol two weeks thing was rather a whirlwind of not enough time. Hopefully, though, I will get ahold of some of you or whatev. If not, don't take it personal. Raedy I will probably be flying to chi with jd later in the summer to see my g.ma, so I'll try to hook up with you then.

Anyway, I have to tend to my sister more now, she is too hardcore and awesome and I'm so damn proud of her I'm going to bust. Lates Gates.