Then We Usually Bash The Cadillac Upside A Dairy Queen

Hahahah, Stacey, you were so totally right about Shirley Q. Liquor being HEEElarious. Thank you for that stellar recommendation.

81. I am not scared of giving talks. I was scared to have to give my FIRST talk. But I am good at talks. Well, I am ok, and considering it was my first talk and it was vastly more "well-attended" than I expected it to be, I rocked it to pieces. My advisor almost cried she was so proud of me. But she always almost cries she's so proud of all her students. Then after it was all over and no one had any difficult questions for me, she bought me a big ass mai tai and then I got tipsy and drove back to OC. Yeah. I sounded really fucking smartificated right about then. No, I tease, I was fine. The talk went as well as it could possibly have gone. I know what to fix for next month. I know what about the process scares me the most, and I can tackle it. So thanks to everyone who well-wished and supported me, you guys helped a shit ton! And now I'm not a talk-virgin anymore, which is so awesome.

82. Nothing makes me feel lamer than being by myself all weekend with nothing to do. Last night I passed out when I got home (after I ate a whole pizza) but I was up fairly early this morning, have yet to accomplish anything at all, and am just sitting around feeling lame. I have so much shit I could be doing. But I'm bored. If I just started working I wouldn't be bored anymore. But I keep choosing to reflect on how lame I am not to be doing anything on Saturday night. It's not a great habit to get into. Poop.

83. I used to be "able" to read tarot cards and runes and all that shit, in high school. I still remember that my card was Strength and had a picture of a girl with a lion on it. If you tell me your birthday I can tell you your card. I found my deck of tarot cards a few months ago and I have it here now. I haven't looked at it, but I used to like drawing one card and trying to predict my whole fucking day off it. Supposedly, that's a viable way to do it. Anyway, I used to know all these fancy layouts and what the positioning and directional orientation of the cards meant and now all I can think is how naive that was. But I don't mind it. And I still kind of like the idea of things like horoscopes and tarot cards and Stacey used to be able to read palms and I'd always be like, "ooh, stacey read my palm" and she'd roll her eyes and remind me that she'd done it a billion times and palms don't really change all that much. But then she'd do it anyway. I liked being the person you guys and my more drug-related friends would come to for shit like that. It gave me an identity above and beyond Shara's Less Crazy Friend With No Boobs.

84. I don't have any boobs, to speak of. I'm actually, seriously ok with it. In fact, I think my boobs are great, and I love them. And everyone who's ever seen them says they're awesome. Because, really, think about it, they'll never get all saggy and weird shaped, and they're the perfect boob shape. Also, my ass is killer. I've always known this about myself, but I keep remembering it lately and being like, "oh how fucking great, that I always had such an ass." I started realizing my ass was logic-defyingly great when Adam Kinnie developed a fixation on it. Hahahahahahahaa.

85. Just so we're all on the same page, I've never done anal. I never will do anal. With anyone. No matter what. I would sooner stick shards of glass in my vagina. Which, coincidentally, is also pretty low on the list of things I like doing. If you were thinking, "hmm, liz is pretty cool, and now she's single, so maybe she'd like to do anal with me," you, sir or madam, have another think coming.

86. I'm sorry that so many people I know had such shitty childhood experiences with alcohol/ics/ism. All I can say is Look at you all now. You're incredibly awesome, functioning people. I'm sorry you had to go through it but it's part of making you who you are. And you wouldn't have been given it to deal with if you couldn't handle it. Err, you wouldn't have written it into your chart a few years ago if you didn't think you needed to learn something from it. To wax extremely fucking spiritualistic on your asses. It's a lot easier to think about things happening to make you stronger or to help you learn something than to think about them happening to you or being things you have to get through or endure. I think that, essentially, is the criterion with which to divide all people into two groups. Two ways of looking at the world and two ways of coping and I think that is why my mother and I don't always get along. She had a rough time of it her whole life. It destroyed her. She gave up years ago and thinking about it makes me taste bile, so I'm not going to talk about that anymore.

87. One of my favorite things about high school was how when any of us would pass one another in the halls, we would low-five-slap-brush each other's hands. Or we would run and hug each other all the time. No one hugs enough for my liking any more. I loved going to school because I knew I would get about sixty five hugs per day, and I would need every single one of them. I also really liked carpooling to school, and how fucking freed I felt when I got my license and my mom randomly got me a car. I really really like driving, and I think I like it so much because it always took me away from my house and to my friend's houses.

88. When my dad was around, I remember every night there would be some kind of background noise, like the piano (that was the best) or the tv in my parents' room downstairs, or adult professor-types chatting in the dining room, that I could hear from my bedroom when I was trying to sleep. When he died, there was never any sound at all. I'm trying really hard not to retroactively be angry with my mother. But things keep coming to mind that aren't pleasant. She's not coming to visit me this year because I'm going to come there in august again. She's not calling me because she doesn't want to intrude. She burned every bridge my father had ever made or given her. She alienated me and Jenny in her immediate quest to find herself a new man. She never came to football games. She didn't come to state my senior year. She didnt' come to see me in the all-state honor band. JD came, to Indianapolis, by himself. She left my graduation early. Jenny had to force her to sit through my whole college graduation. She stumbled around in a drunken, idiot haze for years. She took pills and left notes and I had to sit up with her all night so she wouldn't die. She painted the house the darkest colors she could find. She sold everything dad had told her not to sell. She replaced our thick gray carpet with the shittiest, thinnest carpet she could find. She frittered away thousands of dollars until she eventually had to get a fucking job and stop living off life insurance. She did so many things that utterly disgusted me while she did them, and I feel like if we went through each decision she made in the last ten years, she would have made zero correct decisions. I don't know what to do with her. I can't abandon her. She's my mother, but I'm not even sure I love her. I feel like I'm obligated to her. And she's my albatross. I can't stnad her but no one but Jenny is ever allowed to say one negative thing about her. I don't get it. She baffles me. I can't see any part of her in myself. Sometimes I like to pretend I was my dad's kid from his first marriage. That's terrible. I just don't understand her.

89. I cleaned my entire house today and it's spotless and I felt very productive while I was doing it. Now I feel lame and lazy and boring and desperate. i think I need to get out of the house. But I don't know where I'd want to go. Man. Sometimes I manage to make such a mess of my life that it's ridiculous. But funny. If not funny, I'm slitting my wrists now. So, funny.

90. I decided the other day that Pinback sounds like oral sex feels. Get some pinback and listen to it, loud, and see what you think. My memory's bad and I'll be alone and miserable the rest of my fool life, so i figured I'd toss that out while I can still remember what 'oral sex' means.

To Think of Cinnamon and Long For You

61. More than anything, i am surprised and annoyed at how poor a singer I am and have always been. I just wish I could fucking sing. Jenny and I have discussed this at great lengths. We're both terrible and we both hate it. One time Jarrod told me that if I just tried to sing more through my nose I would sound less nasally. I slapped his stupid face.

62. Jarrod and I haven't really been "close" in years, but one time a few years after we broke up I was hanging out with him and he gets his wallet out and shows me how he's still carrying around my senior picture, and also he has one of his then-girlfriend Huth Rartke. He tells me, excitedly, how he gets these two pictures of girlfriends out, lays them side-by-side on a table, and asks friends/random people to pick who is prettier. Apparently Huth and I were neck and neck. I think I was supposed to be really complimented, but I almost barfed right on poor Jarrod. Huth had a face that made me want to hit her upside the head all the time. Oh wait, no, I think I hated her because she could sing pretty flipping well. And if you refer to #61, I cannot sing.

63. JD is the only person I can spend unlimited amounts of time with and not be annoyed by.

64. I am giving a talk in The Pretty tomorrow. I am going to try to eat a lot of beans tonight and tomorrow, so that I can cut a fart during the talk and then use that thing Raedy came up with where I say, "Now that we've heard what my BUTT has to say, here's what our data show." I would expect thta to go down in Awesome Lore for all times if I really did that.

65. I look really good in gray, blue, and mauve. I had always been told mauve would look good on me but I never totally knew what "mauve" was so I ignored those people. And then a few months ago I got this Mauve sweater and people can't keep their hands off me when I wear it. Also, I look bad in yellow. One day in elementary school, the teacher was saying how people who have blue-tinted skin look nice in yellow, but people with yellow-tinted skin (sallow, jaundiced, lizish) should never ever wear yellow. Then the teacher looked pointedly at this "popular" girl who was clad that day in a bright yellow track suit. Hilarious. I actually remembered that lesson.

66. I am becoming adept at what my career is going to require of me. I had to co-lead a discussion yesterday for three hours and I not only rocked it's socks off, I was comfortable and rocked it hard enough to make up for (I did about 90% of the total time) my friend J's total fucking inadequacy when it comes to any kind of public speaking, even when it is in a seminar with nice people youve known for years and who are nice and not scary. I swear, sometimes I don't get it. That being said, I will likely fall (SPLAT!) on my face during my talk tomorrow. My talk that's now in less than 24 hours. Yeah, I should get working on that.

67. Jenny and I used to drink IBC root beer, make popcorn, and watch mystery science theater 3000 together. Those were the nights that we got along better than all others when we had to live together, in my psycho mom's house. I miss that. I wish that was still a show.

68. I believe in things like Apple computer, reiki, sylvia browne, vegetarianism, solipsism, karma, fate, and above all things self-efficacy. But if you question me on any of these things I get definsive and can't explain why I like/believe them to anyone's satisfaction. And I used to get really pissed off at Amy when she would argue faith as an explanation for faith. I have faith in things that are probably the same things as she does, but I feel morally smug about it because I have a much more active sense of personal control, and I bypass that whole fucking religion-as-institution bullshit. I still can't believe that anyone could buy into a cult that said Kyle would go to hell for being gay.

69. My dad used to say that there are no mistakes in your life that are so bad that you can't learn from them. I learned a hell of a lot in the last 10 years. i miss my dad all the time.

70. I have the world's shortest tongue. I can only stick it out far enough to touch the spot right below my lower lip. That's not very far, or useful.

71. I am incredibly good at being someone's uke in martial arts, if I know I am acting as one and you dont' just sneak up behind me, pick me up, and throw me down on the kitchen floor. I am a really good faller, throw-taker, dive-roller, and technique allower. JD is too. We were talking about no-hand leg takedowns, and I couldn't remember if I'd attempted one of those on the black belt test, and he said I had and he had totally sold it. He was really good at selling things that would have been physically impossible due to his tree trunk legs had I tried them otherwise. I am not one of those girls who whines every time she takes a throw. I'm a warrior, dammit. I'm a ninja. I'm also a badass in my own right, but there are some techniques that someone my size/strength cannot use on someone like JD. This scissor leg throw happens to be one of them. Only because of his legs, though, not because I am not adept enough. Just so we're clear.

72. I have a really poor sense of smell, compared to most people.

73. If Keanu doesnt' stop doing incredibly stupid movies, I may stop wanting to sleep with him.

74. I had to correct the word "corrobate" to "corroborate" yesterday to a roomful of academics.

75. I am a terrible gardener, cook, cat parental unit, etc. I am fastidiously clean and tidy and stuff when I have time. Right now, my house is a wreck. There is no chance of it improvin before tomorrow.

76. The most fun I ever had for a whole continuous week was at Beau's house over spring break when a dozen of us just lived there the whole fricking week. I dont' think I went home once. I thought college would be just like that, with everyone all together in a house being awesome. I still wish it was like that.

77. I started writing this ridiculous "screenplay" about all of us in high school. It was on my old shitty computer, but I think I printed it out when I got rid of that thing. So, There may be a copy of it somewhere, in "storage." I will look for that next time I am home, and then I will post it on the internet. You will all laugh uproariously if I find it. We will all have a hearty chuckle. If you're not in it already I'll write you in as I'm posting it.

78. If you ever want to get tested for STDs, see if they write something like, "Seriously questionable sexual partners" or "Probable exposure to STDs" on the slip ordering the HIV bloodwork. Apparently in grad school, this is how your doctor tricks your insurance into paying for it. I was alarmed a few weeks ago when I noticed this inscribed on the paperwork I toted down to the lab, but then my fellow sexually active lab members informed me they do this so insurance doesn't raise a fuss. By the way, I am STD free. Hoo-ray. It would have been more than a little shocking to some of us if I had not turned out that way.

79. I have weird-ass skin. It has a name, but I don't know it, as I don't have a dermatologist. It's really dry and nowhere near as bad as my dad's was, but it's weird and creeps people out sometimes. On the plus side, I never had a problem with acne, and I can rub gobs of any kind of lotion on my face whenever I feel like it and not break out.

80. I think I have gained about ten pounds in the last few weeks. I am not thrilled about this, but I don't have time to deal with it. It just better not affect what size suit I have to buy (I'm getting myself a suit tonight) because then I'll be double pissed off. I will be able to breathe/exercise/eat normally again after next week. Well, after this quarter. Ok, after this school year is over I will be able to recover. Whatev. Wish me luck on the talk.

I Think That's Sexist and the Word for "Mean To Gay People"

51. Sometimes, after a year of silence, people update their blogs.

52. I have an unsightly cowlick that my sister has always referred to as "a bald spot" on the back right side of my head. My hair always looks retarded, at all times, because of this.

53. I have unsightly scars all over the my inner thighs, right by my Vajayjay, from one time in band where I decided to try to climb a twelve-foot chain link fence (over by the baseball fields where the sabres were practicing) to get inside for a water break and at the tippy top of the fence I hesitated for a split second and almost fell off but instead just effectively raped myself on the prongy spikes. No internal damage, mind you, but I have some really interesting puncture wound gash scars that you don't see naturally-occurring in babies and such. In fact, most of you will never see these scars. Heh.

54. One time Jarrod spent the night in my room in hgih school and my mom came in the next morning and she wasn't supposed to know jarrod was there and he hid, literally, under the covers in the bed (it was a waterbed) and she didn't notice him there. I found this incredibly hilarious because it basically meant my mom was retarded. Lots of times I stayed at jarrod's on saturday night and hid in his closet until his family went to church the next day. plenty of times people hid in my closet when they weren't supposed to be at my house too.

55. One time, and this is the most embarrassing story of my entire life, so laugh it up, jarrod and I were at his parents house, probably on a sunday morning, and *ahem* used a condom and then stuck it in a brown paper bag intending to take it out to the dumpster when we left. Instead, we accidentally left the paper bag on the kitchen table in his parents' house. They totally found it and then I was unwilling to show my face around there ever again. I'm blushing right now thinking about how fucking mortifying that was to realize, hours later.

56. I haven't skinny dipped one-tenth as much as I did my sophomore/junior years of high school in the rest of my life combined. man, was it ever hard to get stacey naked and in a pool.

57. The most pain I've ever been in was when I had appendicitis and had no idea what was happening and got put in the hospital and if I hadnt' been hanging out with adam kinnnnnie at the time (illicitly, of course) I may have died because I kept passing out from how bad it hurt and my negligent mother was in spain trying to nab herself a man. In the end, it took a herculean effort from people who only marginally should have to be responsible for my health (adam, kate's dad, this random boyfriend whose name i cant' recall but who made me this creepy keyboard with lizards glued on it) to get me to a doctor where I was immediately operated on.

58. I really, really, really, not kidding, thought Stacey was going to drown when she and me and Chris were stuck in the fucking Atlantic in low tide. She wasn't taking in water or anything, but I was convinced none of us were going to make it, and that Chris and I would have to watch Stacey die first. I don't think I have ever been so scared of anything in my life as of thinking I was going to watch Stacey drown. I love you, Stacey. I'm really glad you didn't drown. I'm glad those eye-rolling lifeguards appeared out of nowhere. I'm glad Chris had the balls (chivalry?) to stay out there with me when I realized I was stuck. Chris, what the fuck were you thinking?

59. If a door is closed, karate chop it open

60. I hate talking on the phone. I'm bad at it. I don't have anything to say even though I like talking to you guys. I'm just bad at phone calls. I sound phony and disinterested and bored and my sister is always mad at my placating laugh that I developed for seminar classes. Sorry about that.