To Think of Cinnamon and Long For You

61. More than anything, i am surprised and annoyed at how poor a singer I am and have always been. I just wish I could fucking sing. Jenny and I have discussed this at great lengths. We're both terrible and we both hate it. One time Jarrod told me that if I just tried to sing more through my nose I would sound less nasally. I slapped his stupid face.

62. Jarrod and I haven't really been "close" in years, but one time a few years after we broke up I was hanging out with him and he gets his wallet out and shows me how he's still carrying around my senior picture, and also he has one of his then-girlfriend Huth Rartke. He tells me, excitedly, how he gets these two pictures of girlfriends out, lays them side-by-side on a table, and asks friends/random people to pick who is prettier. Apparently Huth and I were neck and neck. I think I was supposed to be really complimented, but I almost barfed right on poor Jarrod. Huth had a face that made me want to hit her upside the head all the time. Oh wait, no, I think I hated her because she could sing pretty flipping well. And if you refer to #61, I cannot sing.

63. JD is the only person I can spend unlimited amounts of time with and not be annoyed by.

64. I am giving a talk in The Pretty tomorrow. I am going to try to eat a lot of beans tonight and tomorrow, so that I can cut a fart during the talk and then use that thing Raedy came up with where I say, "Now that we've heard what my BUTT has to say, here's what our data show." I would expect thta to go down in Awesome Lore for all times if I really did that.

65. I look really good in gray, blue, and mauve. I had always been told mauve would look good on me but I never totally knew what "mauve" was so I ignored those people. And then a few months ago I got this Mauve sweater and people can't keep their hands off me when I wear it. Also, I look bad in yellow. One day in elementary school, the teacher was saying how people who have blue-tinted skin look nice in yellow, but people with yellow-tinted skin (sallow, jaundiced, lizish) should never ever wear yellow. Then the teacher looked pointedly at this "popular" girl who was clad that day in a bright yellow track suit. Hilarious. I actually remembered that lesson.

66. I am becoming adept at what my career is going to require of me. I had to co-lead a discussion yesterday for three hours and I not only rocked it's socks off, I was comfortable and rocked it hard enough to make up for (I did about 90% of the total time) my friend J's total fucking inadequacy when it comes to any kind of public speaking, even when it is in a seminar with nice people youve known for years and who are nice and not scary. I swear, sometimes I don't get it. That being said, I will likely fall (SPLAT!) on my face during my talk tomorrow. My talk that's now in less than 24 hours. Yeah, I should get working on that.

67. Jenny and I used to drink IBC root beer, make popcorn, and watch mystery science theater 3000 together. Those were the nights that we got along better than all others when we had to live together, in my psycho mom's house. I miss that. I wish that was still a show.

68. I believe in things like Apple computer, reiki, sylvia browne, vegetarianism, solipsism, karma, fate, and above all things self-efficacy. But if you question me on any of these things I get definsive and can't explain why I like/believe them to anyone's satisfaction. And I used to get really pissed off at Amy when she would argue faith as an explanation for faith. I have faith in things that are probably the same things as she does, but I feel morally smug about it because I have a much more active sense of personal control, and I bypass that whole fucking religion-as-institution bullshit. I still can't believe that anyone could buy into a cult that said Kyle would go to hell for being gay.

69. My dad used to say that there are no mistakes in your life that are so bad that you can't learn from them. I learned a hell of a lot in the last 10 years. i miss my dad all the time.

70. I have the world's shortest tongue. I can only stick it out far enough to touch the spot right below my lower lip. That's not very far, or useful.

71. I am incredibly good at being someone's uke in martial arts, if I know I am acting as one and you dont' just sneak up behind me, pick me up, and throw me down on the kitchen floor. I am a really good faller, throw-taker, dive-roller, and technique allower. JD is too. We were talking about no-hand leg takedowns, and I couldn't remember if I'd attempted one of those on the black belt test, and he said I had and he had totally sold it. He was really good at selling things that would have been physically impossible due to his tree trunk legs had I tried them otherwise. I am not one of those girls who whines every time she takes a throw. I'm a warrior, dammit. I'm a ninja. I'm also a badass in my own right, but there are some techniques that someone my size/strength cannot use on someone like JD. This scissor leg throw happens to be one of them. Only because of his legs, though, not because I am not adept enough. Just so we're clear.

72. I have a really poor sense of smell, compared to most people.

73. If Keanu doesnt' stop doing incredibly stupid movies, I may stop wanting to sleep with him.

74. I had to correct the word "corrobate" to "corroborate" yesterday to a roomful of academics.

75. I am a terrible gardener, cook, cat parental unit, etc. I am fastidiously clean and tidy and stuff when I have time. Right now, my house is a wreck. There is no chance of it improvin before tomorrow.

76. The most fun I ever had for a whole continuous week was at Beau's house over spring break when a dozen of us just lived there the whole fricking week. I dont' think I went home once. I thought college would be just like that, with everyone all together in a house being awesome. I still wish it was like that.

77. I started writing this ridiculous "screenplay" about all of us in high school. It was on my old shitty computer, but I think I printed it out when I got rid of that thing. So, There may be a copy of it somewhere, in "storage." I will look for that next time I am home, and then I will post it on the internet. You will all laugh uproariously if I find it. We will all have a hearty chuckle. If you're not in it already I'll write you in as I'm posting it.

78. If you ever want to get tested for STDs, see if they write something like, "Seriously questionable sexual partners" or "Probable exposure to STDs" on the slip ordering the HIV bloodwork. Apparently in grad school, this is how your doctor tricks your insurance into paying for it. I was alarmed a few weeks ago when I noticed this inscribed on the paperwork I toted down to the lab, but then my fellow sexually active lab members informed me they do this so insurance doesn't raise a fuss. By the way, I am STD free. Hoo-ray. It would have been more than a little shocking to some of us if I had not turned out that way.

79. I have weird-ass skin. It has a name, but I don't know it, as I don't have a dermatologist. It's really dry and nowhere near as bad as my dad's was, but it's weird and creeps people out sometimes. On the plus side, I never had a problem with acne, and I can rub gobs of any kind of lotion on my face whenever I feel like it and not break out.

80. I think I have gained about ten pounds in the last few weeks. I am not thrilled about this, but I don't have time to deal with it. It just better not affect what size suit I have to buy (I'm getting myself a suit tonight) because then I'll be double pissed off. I will be able to breathe/exercise/eat normally again after next week. Well, after this quarter. Ok, after this school year is over I will be able to recover. Whatev. Wish me luck on the talk.

I Think That's Sexist and the Word for "Mean To Gay People"

51. Sometimes, after a year of silence, people update their blogs.

52. I have an unsightly cowlick that my sister has always referred to as "a bald spot" on the back right side of my head. My hair always looks retarded, at all times, because of this.

53. I have unsightly scars all over the my inner thighs, right by my Vajayjay, from one time in band where I decided to try to climb a twelve-foot chain link fence (over by the baseball fields where the sabres were practicing) to get inside for a water break and at the tippy top of the fence I hesitated for a split second and almost fell off but instead just effectively raped myself on the prongy spikes. No internal damage, mind you, but I have some really interesting puncture wound gash scars that you don't see naturally-occurring in babies and such. In fact, most of you will never see these scars. Heh.

54. One time Jarrod spent the night in my room in hgih school and my mom came in the next morning and she wasn't supposed to know jarrod was there and he hid, literally, under the covers in the bed (it was a waterbed) and she didn't notice him there. I found this incredibly hilarious because it basically meant my mom was retarded. Lots of times I stayed at jarrod's on saturday night and hid in his closet until his family went to church the next day. plenty of times people hid in my closet when they weren't supposed to be at my house too.

55. One time, and this is the most embarrassing story of my entire life, so laugh it up, jarrod and I were at his parents house, probably on a sunday morning, and *ahem* used a condom and then stuck it in a brown paper bag intending to take it out to the dumpster when we left. Instead, we accidentally left the paper bag on the kitchen table in his parents' house. They totally found it and then I was unwilling to show my face around there ever again. I'm blushing right now thinking about how fucking mortifying that was to realize, hours later.

56. I haven't skinny dipped one-tenth as much as I did my sophomore/junior years of high school in the rest of my life combined. man, was it ever hard to get stacey naked and in a pool.

57. The most pain I've ever been in was when I had appendicitis and had no idea what was happening and got put in the hospital and if I hadnt' been hanging out with adam kinnnnnie at the time (illicitly, of course) I may have died because I kept passing out from how bad it hurt and my negligent mother was in spain trying to nab herself a man. In the end, it took a herculean effort from people who only marginally should have to be responsible for my health (adam, kate's dad, this random boyfriend whose name i cant' recall but who made me this creepy keyboard with lizards glued on it) to get me to a doctor where I was immediately operated on.

58. I really, really, really, not kidding, thought Stacey was going to drown when she and me and Chris were stuck in the fucking Atlantic in low tide. She wasn't taking in water or anything, but I was convinced none of us were going to make it, and that Chris and I would have to watch Stacey die first. I don't think I have ever been so scared of anything in my life as of thinking I was going to watch Stacey drown. I love you, Stacey. I'm really glad you didn't drown. I'm glad those eye-rolling lifeguards appeared out of nowhere. I'm glad Chris had the balls (chivalry?) to stay out there with me when I realized I was stuck. Chris, what the fuck were you thinking?

59. If a door is closed, karate chop it open

60. I hate talking on the phone. I'm bad at it. I don't have anything to say even though I like talking to you guys. I'm just bad at phone calls. I sound phony and disinterested and bored and my sister is always mad at my placating laugh that I developed for seminar classes. Sorry about that.

Parrot-Back It. I'm An Underline Caret Bracket

34. We have some prospies visiting the despartment this week/end. Last night was our gala schmooze fest thing. Four long-ass hours of continual chatting. Wow, it gets tiresome. My friend B somehow got saddled with two of these kiddies, and we all noticed last night that they have this obnoxious rudeness to them that I somehow don't remember posessing when I came here to visit. And these people aren't even admitted yet! The nerve, I swear. Anyway, B had two. One of them developed a badditude halfway through the thing, received a booty call on her cell, and insisted that B give some random dude directions so she could be picked up and return "later." B chewed her out in B's own way by reminding her nicely that she had INTERVIEWS all day today and wouldn't she like to focus on that while she's here? and then I found out today that the girl went anyway, came back at 2:30am after swearing she'd only be gone an hour, and then got into a fight with B about it in which she said, "Geeze, I had no idea my MOM was going to be hosting me," and then I guess B started yelling and then this little skank goes, "you better not ruin my reputation with the faculty over this." So B promptly wrote our gradviser a narsty email detailing this girl's profound classiness. Fuck that girl. She was really snotty anyway. It's just blowing my mind that people act like that at a JOB INTERVIEW with total strangers who are letting you stay at their house. Wow. and then think that you're just a student so your opinion doesn't affect them. Incroyable!

35. I just got mad at my cat, and without realizing the lameness of this at the time, yelled, "Hey! If you want attention from me, you ask me like a normal person! You don't have to claw the couch to get me to chase you around the apartment!" Then I looked at him expectantly for some kind of understanding. Which I didn't get. And then I realized he's a cat. He's currently sitting sidesaddle on his haunches (he's too fat to sit squarely on his rump) and glaring at his new hummingbird best friend, who is really effective at luring Jyushin into jumping (SPLAT!) full force into the window by hovering right outside and saying childish, taunting things to him. Grow up, hummingbird.

36. Nothing can compare to when you roll the dice and swear your love's for me.

37. I thought I would be in a constant panic about this week during this week (I have the most heavily-laden week of speaking committments I've ever had to manage at once, plus normal overwhelming work to do) but I am fucking taking it like a champ, and I have decided not to be nervous and also to tear it up old school style and make it clap awesome. 'Tis the value of positive thinking. I'm not nervous. Incroyable!

38. I hate bananas. I also hate mushrooms and olives of any color. I've tried to like bananas, and tomatoes, which I also kind of hate, but I still feel like puking while I eat them. Sometimes I eat them because I should, though.

39. Sandra Bullock's voice gets the Fizzuck on my nerves.

40. I want to go to Hawaii very very bad. Too bad I am broke forever now.

41. My sister stole my idea to post a bullet about how I have adorable feet with all the right-lengthed toes (no narsty second-toe-outdistancing the big toe-bullshit). I guess I will instead have to talk about how I have stumpy little sausage fingers.

42. Jenny and I are more evolved than you, because neither of us had wisdom teeth. This is either from inbreeding on my mom's side of the family, or because my paternal great-grandfather was an alien. No one has any clue who he was, as my dad's grandmother never revealed to anyone the source of her pregnancy. We can guess he was a fabulously talented artist, and tall, and other than that, no one knows. It may have been, but probably was not, an immaculate conception.

43. Jenny recently recommended an Elbow song called "Fugitive Motel" which is indeed awesome. Awesomer is that downloading/listening to it put some pieces of floating bullshit together in my head so I finally realized that this one song I really liked a couple years ago that JD put on a comp for me that I couldn't remember who did it was also by Elbow ("Red"). And now I know the mysterious origins of that awesome song, thanks to me and Jenny's identical awesome music tastes that eventually cycle back on each other and eat itself.

44. No matter how long her hair is, I will never Not think Hillairie Swanck looks just like a boy.

45. JD and I tried to name our guilty 90s music pleasures the other day. Among my top ones were soul asylum's runaway train, the tony rich project's nobody knows it but me, and a richard marx song of unknown titlage. Yeah, laugh it up. That's the backlash when you're only allowed to listen to classical music for the first decade of your existence.

46. I keep having sleepless nights where I'm lucidly aware the whole night of what minute it is and how I'm not asleep and how bad it's going to suck to not have slept a wink in the morning. Then I get the best sleep when I'm hitting snooze in between alarms and that, my friends, is the most depressing way to start your day.

47. Pet peeves:
*Girls who can't blend their foundation into their chin
*Signal fading on cell phones
*Ugly toenails on the ladies (in that sense P.Diddie and I have a lot in common)
*Jyushin at 4:30am every fucking night (teehee, I'm punny!)
*People who think it's ok that birth control costs so g.d much (condoms don't cost that much)
*People who think evol. psychallagie explains why women are monogamous and men are, by design, phillanderers
*neighbors hammering at 2am
*people who point out to me that I am sweating when I am sweating

48. My favorite thing to eat is edamame, mashed potatoes, buffalo wing fake chikn nuggets, and chocolate. Put that bitch in a blender on "puree" for a couple minutes, and Damn

49. My adviseer numbero twos ( i should call them pee pee and poo poo) left the little schmooze fest gala last night and was waving to some of us (her current students) and walked right into a doorframe. I lauuuuuughed and lauuuuuuughed.

50. My mom wrote the world's worst email to BOTH me and jenny yesterday that was like, "i'm not going to call either of you today. I'm busier than I thought I'd be on my day off. Call if you need anything. Liz, good luck on your presentation next week." For some reason I laughed really hard at this then reflected on how uninvolved and unconcerned my mother is with my life and has always been and I got mad. I mean, props for remembering what week the talk was, but still. Could she BE more avoidant-aggressive?