My Heart's Colder

I'm by myself in this apartment and I feel really weird. I keep picking up the phone to call you guys and then hanging up and not calling you and I know if I talked to anyone I would feel better but I can't bring myself to be proactive. I just kind of want to wallow in how weird I feel right now. It feels like something I should pay attention to and appreciate.

I rode in an elevator today with a british man who literally said, "well played!" when I caught the door to let him on, and then said, "cheerio, then!" when he got off on the floor before mine.

I feel like such a moron. A grade-A ass champ. A real bronx cheer.

I don't have the patience for any of this that I thought I had. I should have seen that coming, I knew myself better than that. Ugh. I just feel so...duped. Like the rug has been yanked out from me and I didn't see it coming but I should've. I keep thinking of that stupid story that I put on here a few weeks ago about the little girl on Venus and how it rained all the time except for an hour once every seven years. The sun's gone back behind the clouds and everything's back to how it's always been and it's worse than before the sun was around because now you have this emptiness because there's the longest possible amount of time between you and the next sunshine. I think I saw a simpsons once where bart and lisa had just gotten out of church and they were celebrating because just getting out of church meant the longest possible time before next church. It's like that only reversed.

The absurd fucking timing of the events of my life in the last couple months is what's most hilarious. It's Shakespearean in its irony. I guess.

I keep finding shiny heads-up pennies where there shouldn't be any new pennies. All around and behind my desk at school. Unless my officemate is planting them, I can offer no good explanation.

I kind of feel like I'm about to cry but I've realized a lot about myself as a person recently, and one of the things I realized is that when I'm upset about something I'm upset for a relatively brief period of time and then I get bored with being upset and I don't feel that way anymore. We'll see how well I can maintain that kind of sy co pathic emoshin regulayshin over the next bit of time.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective and think about the bigger picture and not miss the forest for the trees, etc. But it's kind of hard for me to do that successfully.

Do I own anything that you want? I am going to need money so badly that I will sell you anything for a reasonable offer. My vagina, however, is not for sale. I give that away.

I just watched my cat bite it from about eight feet off the ground. This is not the first time I have watched my cat bite it anti-gracefully from an alarmingly high perch. He just fats over the side and plummets like a brick to the floor. None of that special feline orienting-so-your-legs-come-down-first thing with him. He may be too fat and have knocked himself too retarded by crashing into all the walls so often. Poor stupidface.

This week is going to be hard. But this is just the beginning of it getting hard. I'm totally alone and I'm doing that weird thing where I know I'm about to have a breakdown and I can't figure out how to place my hands in relation to my person and even though I'm typing I can feel the hysterical woman hand-wringing gene trying to kick in. For some reason that's how I know I'm about to start freaking out. I can feel myself being really restless and I can't situate my goddamn hands right.

I just feel so fucking had, like I've been tricked into something. Karma gonna getcha, huh? Way to put the cart with my one basket with all the eggs in it before the horse, self. Maybe I'll write you an email now instead of whining on my stupid faux-outlet. Maybe I'll find something productive to do with myself. I get the feeling I'll be in the gym a lot soon. I dont' think I like February very much.

I'll Meet You On The Other Side

I have a lot of work to do today. Hence, a blog update.

I lost my g.d. debit card this weekend. I also let a big fat loan in personal check form from my mother fall out of my pocket at the mall, only to have it returned to me by the most honest person ever, this guy named Tyler who called my mom and got my cell phone from her and waited at mayceys for me to come back to the mall and retrieve my check. And he didn't want any money or blowjobs or anythin in exchange. hahahah. What a nice, honest, guy. It looked like his girlf was trying on clothes and he had a lot of time to kill anyway, but that was just so awesome of him. I've got my eyes peeled for the next time I can do a good deed for someone and even up that karma.

Last night JD and I were laying around and then I got up and was standing by the bed and I got hit in the face withthis blast of hot air. So I was flailing around trying to feel if there was a draft coming from somewhere, but I was standing right by the window (it was cold outside) and the heat vent was all the way across the room. Jd laughed at me for me weird hot-air-seeking dance, but then a couple minutes later he was doing the same thing because when he got up, HE got blasted with hot air. We both reflected on the weirdness of this, but forgot it.

Then this morning my mom emailed me and the title was, 'Something else weird happened'

Which, as you shoudl know by now, means that she thinks she had a close encounter with a spirit of some sort. So the email details how she was laying in bed, awake, in the "middle of the night" last night and she was blasted in the face with hot air.


WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

Or more speciffically, what the fuck are any of us supposed to glean from that? Weird, weird, weird.
Anyway, just wanted to share with the 0.5% of you who will be just as struck by that as I was. Did someone die last night? Jenny? Are you ok?

Back to work. I have to be disckushin leeder tomorrow. Fuck.

Come Get It I Got It

I just got an inter-campus envelope FINALLY saying that I can start my G.D. data collection. THANK FUCKING GAWD. why, just yesterday I was sitting around with my friends listening to them bitch about how they're not "quite" done with their DATA ANALYZING and they're worried about the time crunch and then I started laughing hysterically because, as I pointed out to them, i hadn't yet been APPROVED to START my data GATHERING, let alone HAVE it and be ANALYSIS-ING it. They all felt much better, but since I have this stupid optimistic part of my brain that always thinks I can pull shit off and everything will be alright all the time, I am CLINGING to the MISGUIDED HOPE that I can Actually Do This.

We will fucking see about THAT. I am going to TEAR UP some data collection ass in the next few weeks.

So that was good news. Relieving and good timing, since I have a meeting in an hour to practice this study on my advisor, and now I can actually be gearing up for it instead of making handjob gestures while rolling my eyes. Which I actually do quite often.

Oh, also, today in my class I was HILARIOUS. I don't know how I do it, but I get on this smart-sounding roll and then the Funniest Fucking Shit comes out of my mouth. I've actually been quite hilarious in my classes for the last few weeks. I'm delighting and alarming myself every time this happens. Are they politely laughing a bit too loud at how retarded I am? No. Are they laughing so they can change the subject? No. Am I really just that able to phrase interesting science-related things in a way that amuses other dorks? So much so that the mood is instantly lightened and everyone smiles more and jumps into the discussion? Why, yes. I think I have a gift.

I say that now, but I'm diskushin leeder in my next class (monday) and that will all probably go flying out the window as my bitch classmates stare unblinkingly at me for three hours while I crack lame racist jokes or something. Then I do an awkward ho-down kind of dance and run out of the room. Hahahahaha.

It's f-ing gorgeous here againn today. Wow, it gets so boring when it's always this fucking pretty. ahahahahaha. not.
I have to babysit undergrads today and I literally have nothing for them to do. I dont' even have anything IN MIND for them to do. Maybe I'll take them some crayons and have them draw me pictures of what sy collogy means to them. I'll tell them it's a way of tapping some kind of cognitive process. Hell, you can tell anyone anything is a way of tapping cognitive processes and they eat that shit up

Anyway. I am in too good a mood for it to be a Wednesday. Nice to see, without peer pressuring her, that Stacey has updated her blog of her own free will. Keep up the good work, Stace Face!